PODCASTER: [over headphones] Sight, touch, smell
are animal senses we need to connect. [car horn honks]
We are chronically disconnecting our empathy muscles.
We are becoming these meaty robots
who are bypassing the spirit... ‐ Hiya.
‐ ...of who we are. Humans.
In this week's episode... ‐ God!
I'll be talking to Professor of Anthropology‐‐
[phone ringing]
‐ Oh, fuck.
Hiya, James, you all right? What's up?
‐ Hey, Aine, um, you're not at your desk.
AINE: [over phone] Uh... No, it's lunch.
I'm out. Wait, are you at my desk?
‐ Uh...
Yeah, no, it's just you always eat your lunch at your desk.
‐ No, I don't.
JAMES: [over phone] Yes, you do.
‐ I mean, yeah, I do, but you don't have to point it out.
You know, sometimes I...
go to the loo or...
Um, anyways, do you need me?
‐ Any chance you could come back early? I'd really love to talk to you.
Also, do you nap under‐‐ ‐ Um...
JAMES: [over phone] Never mind. Are you nearby? Uh...
‐ No, I've, uh... I've‐‐ I've got an appointment.
JAMES: [over phone] What time will you be back? Before your class?
‐ Not really 'cause it's a...
gynecologist's appointment.
So I don't really want to...
‐ [stammering] Wow, um...
‐ ...rush it. JAMES: Yeah, no, no, no. Please.
Please don't‐‐ don't rush. No, no, of course, um...
‐ Yeah, just 'cause it's my health, James.
JAMES: [over phone] Without a shadow.
Uh, I hope everything's, uh, good...
uh, uh, there.
‐ Right, okay. Well, you are okay, aren't you?
‐ Yeah, no, great.
‐ Yeah, okay. Bye.
[phone ringing]
Huh?
[knocking on door]
[chuckles] Your arse just called me.
‐ Aine, nice to see you. [Aine chuckles]
‐ This is very good acting, Richard.
WOMAN: Oh, Aine, is that you, love?
‐ Oh! Hiya, Marcia.
‐ Oh, oh, ho, ho. RICHARD: I, uh, completely forgot that you, uh...
you were coming around for coffee.
‐ You forgot that I was coming for coffee? RICHARD: Yeah.
‐ So you wh‐‐ wh‐‐ He's an idiot.
What's he like?
‐ Silly egg.
Go on, give us a hug. ‐ Oh, what an idiot!
‐ Aw.
‐ Oh, this is nice. It's new?
‐ Oh, yeah, do you like it? Well, it's, like, kind of new.
I robbed it off my sister.
Bit old‐fashioned... [humming]
‐ Lovely, that figure.
‐ Oh, now, come on, look at this.
Figure year round. ‐ Oh, well, you know, you know...
‐ Well, you...
both look great.
MARCIA: Aw.
‐ So, um...
Yeah, I should probably make those forgotten coffees.
‐ Oh, yes, please.
‐ Oh, do you have time, Marcia?
‐ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
‐ Great. Oh, God.
But my mother actually loves the royal family,
but she'd only admit to Diana.
‐ Oh, don't. Don't, no, no, no. You know what, she was a bit of me.
You know, when you see yourself in someone?
‐ Yes. RICHARD: Oh, Aine.
Uh, recyclable pods.
‐ Oh, very good. Good boy! I'm very proud of you.
Oh, lunch breaks are just so short.
RICHARD: Yeah.
You know, you're supposed to, like, down it like a shot.
So... So...
‐ We know what an espresso is, Richard.
Let us live.
[laughing]
Someone in a rush?
[laughing] [Richard clears throat]
Ah! Bloody delicious.
Ooh. ‐ Christmas come early?
‐ Oh, I feel like I've come early, to be honest.
[both laughing]
Right, I'm off. AINE: Oh.
‐ I've got a color booked.
I look like bloody Worzel Gummidge with my roots.
AINE: You do not.
‐ Oh, aye, and I got a really good go at Etienne's room,
and the good news,
no crackly socks, it seems,
which should be a relief for us all because‐‐ ‐ Jesus!
‐ Well, I'm sorry, I was keeping an eye out.
Well, I've got two sons, haven't I?
‐ Oh, God, that's quite... ‐ Yeah.
My two when they both suddenly,
"It's all right, I'll wash my own sheets, Mum."
Disgusting. AINE: Oh, gosh.
MARCIA: Anyway, all ahead of you.
Your school's right by Shepherd's Bush, ain't it?
‐ Yeah. Yeah, it is, yeah.
‐ All right, would you want a lift back then?
My salon's right there.
‐ Ohh! Yeah‐‐
Oh, do you know though, um...
I'm gonna finish my coffee.
‐ Well, just knock it back like a shot.
‐ Oh, yeah.
I got to have a wee as well.
And a walk. Do you know what? I'm gonna walk. I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna walk.
‐ Well, don't just have that for your lunch, will you?
AINE: No, I won't.
MARCIA: All right, love. Okay, I'm off.
Lovely to see you, darling.
And you, Aine.
[laughing]
‐ Bye. MARCIA: Bye, love.
‐ Bye.
Sorry.
[door closes]
‐ I feel bad.
‐ Hey. ‐ Hey.
♪ up‐tempo music playing ♪
‐ Hey, could you set a time for Charlotte to come in and talk to me?
‐ Can you not just go in to her?
‐ Yeah, no, I'd like her to come in and‐‐ and talk to me.
‐ Yeah, I mean, you could just text‐‐
‐ Julie, can you just...
sort that? Thank you.
Thank you.
‐ Fine, fine.
[loudly] Charlotte!
Shona wants to speak to you.
♪
‐ Hmm. ‐ No, but‐‐
Honestly, I don't‐‐ I don't‐‐ It's fine.
I don't want you to be, you know,
more frustrated than I am.
‐ No, it's‐‐ I just feel like it's unfair on you.
You know? Has it happened‐‐ Like does it‐‐
Would it happen, like, with other‐‐
Like, does it happen‐‐
‐ I mean, yeah. Sure.
Yeah, sometimes, I mean‐‐ ‐ Yeah. Yeah.
‐ You must have had times, you know, where you didn't...
come‐‐ ‐ Oh, God, yeah!
'Course. Oh, my God, yeah.
Like, 90% of all of the times of always.
You know, for most of every...
every woman ever.
Always. But... ‐ Right.
‐ ...I am determined. [chuckles]
It will happen.
Ay, ay, ay, ay. ‐ You got to go?
‐ Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Hey, do you know what I, um... Do you know what I love in movies?
‐ Uh, no. What do you love in movies?
‐ Um... Uh...
I love when, you know‐‐ when you see two characters in a scene
who've clearly just had sex and obviously seen each other naked.
But clearly an actor isn't comfortable
and they've got something in their contract, so they're like,
"Okay, well, I'm just gonna slip to the bathroom."
And then they're like... [grunting]
‐ Uh, no! Aye! [Aine laughing]
‐ When was your last relationship?
‐ Wow, that's a gear change.
[Aine chuckles]
Uh... about a year ago.
[gasps] [urinating]
Yeah, it, uh, ended around the time
that, um, Etienne dropped from the sky.
‐ Oh!
So not that long ago.
‐ No.
‐ And, uh...
[ripping toilet paper]
what was her‐‐ their job?
‐ Uh, she was a human rights lawyer,
of all things.
‐ Wow, what, um, uh...
a cunty job, eh?
It's a bit try hard, you know, Richard?
Nothing like me,
your humble, old English teacher, you know?
‐ Well, you're more useful to me. [toilet flushes]
‐ God, you know, I actually love my job, though.
Like, I know you're not supposed to say that,
but I actually love teaching.
‐ That's great.
‐ I, um... I did a session with Etienne this morning over the Internet.
That actually went surprisingly well.
‐ Oh, yeah? Uh, how‐‐ how‐‐ how was he?
‐ Oh, have you not spoken to him?
‐ Uh... No. Um...
‐ Oh, uh, yeah. 'Cause we have this scheduled in for school anyway.
So it's probably, you know‐‐
‐ Yeah.
‐ Yeah, but he seemed good.
‐ Good.
[chuckles]
What are you, uh... What are you doing this evening?
‐ [sighs] Wedding dress shopping.
[laughing]
‐ You Catholic girls move fast.
‐ Yes.
Right. Next time.
Yes, we can.
♪
CHARLOTTE: All okay?
‐ Yeah, yeah. Hi. Come‐‐ come in.
Uh... Um...
We‐‐ we should close the door.
CHARLOTTE: Julie can still lip read through the window but fine.
[Shona clears throat]
‐ Right, um...
‐ Yeah?
‐ Um...
Yeah. Are you in a snot with me?
‐ I'm not in a snot.
‐ Okay, 'cause it‐‐ It just feels like you're in a snot.
CHARLOTTE: I'm not.
‐ Right, well, as long as you're not.
‐ A snot would be if you stole my stapler and didn't give it back.
This is more...
"The woman I was seeing sent me
a save‐the‐date for her wedding through the post."
That feels a little bit more than a snot.
‐ Okay, Vish did that.
Not me. ‐ Oh.
‐ I would never have done that. Obviously.
‐ So I'm not invited then?
‐ Oh, do you want to come?
‐ I'd rather be set fire to in a bin.
‐ Well, I'm sorry to hear that but‐‐
‐ "I'm sorry but." [scoffs]
‐ I knew you were in a snot.
And just, you know, practically speaking,
we‐‐ we have a ton of pitches to get through.
And even, like, that aside...
Okay, forget all that, moving forward...
I want us to be, uh, friends, you know.
I want us to be colleagues.
I want us to build a business
together‐‐ ‐ Have you made notes?
‐ No, I haven't made‐‐
I've made a few...
notes because, you know,
I'm fucking frazzled
by‐‐ by‐‐ by this energy.
And do you know what? You've seen them now, so why don't I‐‐
So why don't I just... I'll just‐‐
[exhales]
‐ Read away.
‐ "Charlotte.
[sighs]
After our situation‐‐"
‐ "Situation"?
Shona, are you actually a robot?
We were sleeping together.
‐ Can you‐‐
We've been over this.
‐ No, don't do that.
Don't‐‐ Don't write off my feelings
'cause they don't suit you.
SHONA: Great! She's looking.
They don't suit me,
and they don't suit you either.
We've‐‐ we've gotten over all this.
And now just because of a piece of paper‐‐
‐ It's hard not to be in a snot with you
when you talk about us like you were on a week‐long gay safari
and left with a nice, fucking rug from the gift shop.
It's fine. Sorry, I'm not trying...
Keep reading your notes. ‐ No, I'm not gonna read the notes.
I feel stupid now.
Don't read the last line.
‐ I read it.
"We're in business together. We need to not have feelings."
That's fair.
‐ You deserve to be with someone great because you're great.
‐ I know I'm great.
I am fine. We're fine.
You're great too, and so is Vish.
‐ Yeah. Yeah, he is.
‐ I've actually started dating someone great, so...
‐ Oh!
Who? Great. Who?
That's great.
‐ Just a great woman.
Not suddenly a guy.
Bad joke.
I'll be great and not in a snot
by the time we need to work on the pitches.
We're clear.
[door opens and closes]
‐ [mouths] You okay?
‐ [mouths] Yeah.
Thank you.
Can I get coffee?
♪
‐ What, start a school together?
‐ Yes! Online mostly at first.
But, you know, still keeping that one‐to‐one in person.
‐ Oh, God!
‐ And as much as it pains me to say it,
and despite your terrible personality‐‐
‐ Thank you.
‐ The students love you,
and the parents love you. ‐ Oh!
‐ All the feedback stuff you've been sending me over the last couple of months,
it's, uh... It's so good, Aine.
‐ Oh!
‐ I don't want to be sat at my desk all day,
just filling out forms for someone else's business.
‐ We could properly start our own education service.
‐ Build on what I've already set up. ‐ Yes!
‐ So we're no longer working for the man.
‐ Yeah! I mean, I work for you, so I always thought you were the man but‐‐
‐ No, no, no, the main man, the big man.
You know, the man, man. You know?
‐ That's Jesus!
[both laugh]
‐ Look, I know you have to think about it.
‐ No, of course, but I'll do it.
‐ Really? ‐ Yeah, of course.
‐ Oh! Yes! ‐ James, I do.
It feels a little bit magical.
Must be how Bill Gates felt when he discovered that first Window.
‐ I mean, he had to discover 94 bad ones
before Windows 95.
‐ Ayyy. This is why we work. This is why we work. [James laughing]
[school bell ringing]
‐ We can't tell anyone here until we have it set up, okay?
‐ God, yeah. Wow, so many secrets.
‐ What do you mean?
‐ Uh...
Life, James.
As Des'ree once said, "Oh, life."
[both laughing]
‐ Yes!
‐ I'm getting fierce Wolf of Wall Street vibes off you right now, James.
Fierce!
Oof. ‐ You hear that?
[laughing]
‐ Yeah. Ooh.
Tough on the tits, that one.
Oh, my God.
This might literally be one of the best days of my life.
SHONA: Starting a business with James? AINE: Mm‐hmm.
SHONA: Like, setting up a business?
Aine, this is huge. ‐ I know.
‐ No, but I mean, it might be too big. ‐ Fuck off!
‐ No, but starting a business...
‐ Yeah, I'll be a business woman. Just like my hero, you.
‐ Do you even know what HMRC is? ‐ Yes, bitch.
‐ Oh, God, this lemon one is shite.
‐ His Majesty's...
Royal Casino.
[laughs] Casino Royale. HMRC.
‐ I mean this in a nice way, okay? ‐ Uh‐oh.
‐ So don't get all‐‐ But why is he asking you?
‐ Oh, actual fuck off now, Shona. ‐ I said I meant it in a nice way!
But does he know you got no money to invest?
Are you gonna have to leave your job?
You know, is he gonna be your boss? Are you working together?
‐ Shona, these are all meaningless questions.
Oh, my God, this lemon macaron tastes like actual pure cock.
‐ What do you mean, "macaron"? Macaroon! ‐ Macaroon. My fault.
‐ Did you get that on the fuckin‐‐ Jesus, what‐‐
‐ [clears throat] Dressing rooms are set up for you ladies.
‐ Oh, thank you very much. ‐ Thank you.
‐ Oh, my God, these are delicious.
Whatever they are.
SHONA: What do you think about a white trouser suit?
‐ BigFatNo.com
SHONA: Why?
‐ Because people won't know who is the boy and who is the girl at the wedding.
Especially not with your big, manly shoulders.
‐ I don't have manly shoulders.
Well? [sighs]
‐ No, yeah. ‐ Yeah, no.
The top of that one's nice though. Just the...
‐ Yeah.
‐ Oh, maybe I could wear a trouser suit
as a professional business woman going to the wedding.
‐ No. Trouser suit's my idea.
I'm gonna try a different dress.
‐ That color is nice though. SHONA: [sarcastically] Ha!
Also, you know, sleeping with one of your clients
is not the best move for a professional business lady.
‐ God, shut up. Anyways, you slept with someone at work.
‐ No.
What? No, I didn't.
‐ You're saying that you and Vish waited until after you'd finished working at
De... Belnm... Belabenham.
SHONA: Balanem Brothers Finance.
‐ [speaking gibberish] Finance, yeah.
‐ Yeah, but that was... different.
I was working with him, not for him like you.
‐ More like under him, am I right? Hey‐oh!
Aw, she's so pretty!
‐ I feel like a sad old ghost bride. ‐ Aaah.
‐ I feel stupid. Do I look stupid? ‐ No, you don't look stupid.
You‐‐ Honestly, you look stunning. You could wear anything.
I mean, you looked stupid in the dress before,
and in your normal, daily, regular clothes‐‐
Ow! Shona!
That's my skin! Please!
‐ This is all we have left.
‐ Aww! ‐ Aww!
‐ Okay, thank you. ‐ Oh, thanks anyways.
[whispering] Scabby!
‐ Maybe with, like, a jazzy shoe.
You know, then you got, like, hair and makeup, so you have to‐‐
‐ Yeah, obviously, hair and makeup.
I don't‐‐ Yeah, you could go with jazzy shoe.
I just sort of feel with that one, it's sort of,
I dunno, neither here nor there.
Well...
‐ Okay, I'm gonna FaceTime Mam.
‐ Oh, no, please. ‐ I just wanna involve her, you know?
‐ Oh, my God, shall I try one on?
Oh, my God. Oooh!
‐ Hey, Mammy. AINE: Hi, Mammy.
MAMMY: Hi!
‐ Put your whole head in the‐‐ ‐ Oh.
‐ Yeah, yeah, that's it.
Okay. What do you think?
‐ Maybe‐‐ Maybe with a brooch?
‐ [sarcastically] Yeah, a brooch. Or maybe, like, a peacock feather or?
‐ Yeah. Yeah, maybe a feather.
Otherwise, it's sort of neither here nor there.
AINE: That's what I said!
‐ Unless, of course, that’s the look you’re going for.
[Aine laughs] ‐ Well, no. I mean, clearly,
"neither here nor there" is not the look I'm going for for my wedding.
I want it to either be really here or really there but‐‐
‐ Maybe with a tan, you wouldn't look so washed out.
‐ Yeah. What? But, yeah, like a light winter tan.
‐ Now, I have been talking to Kavita. SHONA: Uh‐oh!
‐ And I think I'm going to wear a sari
out of respect for Vish. [Aine laughs]
‐ A sari?
‐ And she's going to get me one in green, white, and orange for Ireland.
‐ Fuck off, Mammy. A‐‐ a tricolor sari?
‐ Jesus! Shona, do not speak to me like that.
‐ No, sorry. But, Jesus, what‐‐ [sputters] An Irish flag sari?
You'll look like an Irish‐Indian Geri Halliwell.
‐ Who is Geri Halliwell? I never heard of Geri Halliwell.
AINE: She's a Spice Girl, Mammy.
‐ What? An Indian woman?
‐ Well, Mammy. Dress for the job you want, am I right?
‐ Take that off. It's Shona's day. That's bad luck.
AINE: Bad luck? ‐ Take it off if it's bad luck.
‐ Oh, what does it do?
MAMMY: It brings an early death.
[line disconnects] ‐ What? Mammy?
That was quick.
[both laugh]
Shall I call her back?
‐ Oh, no. God, don't. It's too annoying. Please.
‐ A fucking tricolor sari?
‐ This is kinda nice on me, isn't it?
Like, obviously, with my hair and makeup and stuff like that, but‐‐
Look!
‐ I really worry about you getting carried away.
‐ Shona, come on. Carried away? Don't be silly.
Oh, Ow! Ugh. God, my nose!
Sorry. Sorry. [chuckles]
Hiya, um, do you have this, um, tiara in just, like, a smaller size?
'Cause I've got quite a petite head. ‐ No.
‐ Oh. ‐ No.
‐ That's...
All right, okay. Well, thanks for trying anyways.
‐ What a bitch!
‐ [whispering] She's right there!
SHONA: You never told me how it went with Richard the other night.
Was it good? Was it awful? ‐ Shona!
God! No, it wasn't awful. Ugh. ‐ What?
I wasn't‐‐ I was asking about the date, not the sex.
But go on then, now that we're here.
‐ Ugh. ‐ What?
Did he upset you?
Aine, did he cross a line? ‐ Cross a line? Shona, come on.
No, he didn't cross a line.
If anything, it was the opposite, you know? Because he's just‐‐
Like, because he's a bit older,
he really knew how to... [sighs] You know...
‐ What? ‐ Oh!
Well, it was more that, like, he didn't.
You know, I think it‐‐ Just in the middle of it, it sort of went...
‐ Oh, my God, it went soft. ‐ Oh!
‐ His penis went soft. ‐ Shona!
‐ It was soft? That's normal for, you know, older guys.
It used to happen to Vish sometimes.
Actually, when‐‐ ‐ Um, stop. Vomit.
‐ When his granny died, he couldn't get it up for two months.
We just had to do other stuff.
‐ What, Vish could only get the horn when his granny was alive?
‐ Shut up. It's just it's‐‐ You know, it's up and down, isn't it?
Attraction in a relationship is like a scale. Spectrum.
‐ Have you ever fancied someone else?
‐ What?
No.
Don't be stupid.
I gotta go. Whoops, bye!
‐ Love you, bye!
♪
SHONA: Do you want both or do you want the good one?
VISH: Ah!
‐ Sorry.
Here's both.
‐ Yeah, yeah, yeah, they look really big.
‐ Yeah, I'm due my period, so‐‐
‐ Are your hands down your pants?
‐ Uh, they are now.
[chuckles]
VISH: Oh, drop that camera a bit. Drop it down.
‐ Okay, uh... I'm gonna put it‐‐
Is that okay? Does that work?
‐ Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's good.
Oh! You're so beautiful!
Oh, I love you.
‐ I love you too.
‐ Oh, oh, I love you. Oh, I wish I was there now, baby.
SHONA: Me, too.
VISH: Okay, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
[softly] Oh, fuck.
[breathing heavily]
VISH: Oh! Oh!
Uh, what happened? ‐ Oh, God!
‐ Um, uh, Shona, where are you?
‐ What?
I'm here, I'm here. Sorry. Where are you?
‐ You just‐‐ You just‐‐ It's fine, it's fine. ‐ Sorry.
‐ Just quick‐‐ Just sh‐‐ show me‐‐ show me your tits again.
‐ Yeah. VISH: Your ass. Your ass, actually, yeah.
‐ Oh, uh, really? It's just I haven't waxed there.
VISH: Baby, just turn around. ‐ Okay, hang on.
‐ Uh...
[Vish moaning]
Okay. Oh, oh! I'm gonna come, baby.
Oh, where do you want me to come? Where do you want me to come?
‐ Um, just, uh...
All over, just everywhere.
All over my‐‐ all over my back.
VISH: Oh, here I come. Oh, God!
[exhales]
[Vish grunting]
[panting]
Oh! Oh, I love you.
‐ I love you too.
[both panting]
I really love you.
♪
‐ ♪ Work it, baby ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ Free your mind! ♪
♪ Hey, ai, ai, ai, ai, aa ♪
♪ Work it, baby ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ Free your mind! ♪
♪ Hey, ai, ai, ai, ai, aa ♪
♪ Do what you wanna do Be who you wanna be ♪
♪ Live like you're about to die Break hearts and make them cry ♪
♪ Dance to your favorite tune Shaking that thing with attitude ♪
♪ Work it, baby Work that room ♪
♪ Live it like you know you should ♪
♪ Work it , baby ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ Free your mind! ♪