RICKY: While all of London slept, the horrid cat-mummy
was busy ransacking an apartment.
"Ooh, I am cat-mummy.
"I'm tearing open cupboards.
"I'm cracking open safes.
"I'm digging through the freezer. Crash, bang, roar!"
Until the plucky hero of our story,
Ricky Gervais,
comedian, actor, writer, producer, director, singer, philanthropist,
and, uh, obviously, highly-skilled puppeteer
got out of bed and confronted the mummy.
"Can I help you? Do you mind not going through all my stuff? Cheers."
And whoosh. Bob's your uncle. Mummy was gone.
-(APPLAUSE) -Thank you. Thank you.
Ah. I'll be here all week.
Well, 'cause I live here.
That was amazing. I love puppets.
I do, too, Scooby-Doo.
Oh, and so does my lovely cat, Ollie. Look at my beautiful cat.
She can't get enough.
-Can you, girl? -[growls]
Ow.
Well, I have to say, getting our own private puppet show...
ALL: (IN UNISON) From comedy legend Ricky Gervais...
...is certainly something, but what does it mean?
Yeah. Like, dude, was it supposed to be funny?
-I don't think it was funny. -RICKY: Ugh.
Cheers, Shaggy. Yeah, but it wasn't meant to be funny, okay?
It's a cry for help.
Most comedy is, Mr. Gervais.
Yeah, no, okay. Listen. Maybe I wasn't clear... (CHUCKLES)
You lovely, kooky, but slightly dense teenagers.
I asked you here 'cause I need your help.
There was a mummy in my apartment, tearing up the place.
An actual mummy.
ALL: (IN UNISON) Oh, why didn't you say so?
-I did say so. -Then, why the puppet show?
What's life without a little art?
(MOANING AT A DISTANCE)
What's with all the moaning?
Like, dude, it wasn't us.
(MOANING CONTINUES)
-(GROWLING) -(ALL GASP)
(GROWLING)
(EXCLAIMING)
(BATS SCREECHING)
â™ª Scooby-Dooby-Doo and Guess Who?
â™ª We know you're one in a million
â™ª Scooby-Doo
â™ª We can count on you, Scooby-Doo
â™ª To catch and unmask that villain â™ª
FRED:Hold the phone, it's Ricky Gervais.
(GROWLING)
Give me my statue. (GROWLS)
(BUZZING)
SHAGGY: Like, where'd that thing go?
(GROWLS)
(EXCLAIMING)
(EXCLAIMS QUIZZICALLY)
Oh!
(LOW GROWL)
-Huh? (GROWLS) -(GASPS)
(GRUNTS)
(ROARS)
Cat-mummy!
(CAT-MUMMY MOANING)
(SHAGGY WHIMPERING)
Sorry. Occupado. Keep moving, you two. Go on.
No way, dude. Like, there's plenty of room in there.
RICKY: Oh, you're getting drool on me, you hairy mutt.
SCOOBY: Sorry. RICKY: No, I meant Shaggy. Stop it.
-Ugh! -Anybody else feel a draft?
Scooby, your backside is giving us away.
(SCREAMING)
(GROWLING)
-VELMA: Back off, mummy! -Huh?
-(WHOOSHING) -(VELMA GASPS)
Oi, Velma, I was saving that for my next birthday. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
-Huh? -You know, it's a joke.
Fire extinguisher, birthday cake.
I'm getting older.
Lots of candles, that... Ugh, Scooby,
you're a good boy, but you're thick.
-(GROWLING) -(RICKY GASPS)
(GROWLING)
Oh, I can get you a toothbrush, free of charge.
-(OLLIE CATERWAULING) -(CAT-MUMMY GASPING)
(CAT-MUMMY WHIMPERING)
-Oh, poor Ollie. -(HISSES)
Listen. I think I know what the mummy's after.
It's one of Ollie's toys.
Wait. That's an ancient Egyptian statue.
It must be worth thousands of dollars.
Pounds, actually.
What can I say? Ollie's a bit of a spoiled little girl.
-(MEOWS) -Ain't ya?
Why does the mummy want this statue?
There doesn't seem to be anything unique about it.
Hmm. The cat-headed mummy
resembles the ancient Egyptian goddess Bast.
(STUTTERING) Bast? Who's that?
Ah, I thought you might ask that, Scooby.
So, I took the liberty of creating some visual aids.
Bast was the daughter of Ra, the sun God.
She was the ancient Egyptian goddess of protection and cats.
Kept you safe, and purred a lot, apparently.
(EXCITEDLY) Oh, oh, oh.
And, like, maybe the statue once belonged to Bast.
Yeah. Very good, Shaggy.
Well, gang, it looks like we have a real mystery on our hands.
What do you... Of course it's a real mystery.
You just saw... There's a cat-headed mummy
-trashing my apartment. -(OLLIE GROANING)
And now, look, you've upset Ollie. Oh.
Don't worry, fango. Daddy's gonna do your favorite dance.
We've all got our own thing.
I mean, you wear a cravat, Fred.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHANTING)
(CATERWAULING)
Oh, no! We've got to find Ollie.
Oh, poor Ollie. I hope she's okay.
(LOW GROWL)
Here.
This is where I bought Ollie's Egyptian statue.
(BELL DINGS)
(OLLIE MEOWS AND PURRS)
RICKY: Aw.
-(OLLIE MEOWS) -Come here, Ollie. (KISSES)
Aw, good girl. Good girl.
This is my jar, cat. Lay off!
Don't talk to my Ollie like that. You lay off.
-(HISSES) -Did...
Did she just hiss at me?
-Did you just hiss at me? -(HISSES)
-Yeah. (HISSES) -SHAGGY: Uh, Mr. Gervais,
maybe you should leave that old lady alone.
-I'm scared. -And look, you're scaring Ollie.
Oh, sorry, Ollie. Is that scarin' ya?
I didn't mean to upset you. I'll...
Let me make it up to you, all right?
(PLAYS GUITAR)
â™ª A man and his cat
â™ª They know where it's at
â™ª A purr-fect feline
â™ª Will get you every time â™ª
And take it, Ollie!
Weirdo.
I'm not the one hugging a jar full of sand, am I?
It's not sand. It's ancient Egyptian catnip.
My father found it years ago in the tomb of King Tut.
-He was an archaeologist for the British Museum. -(SNIFFS)
Hmm. I know that smell.
Hello. You gots to pay for that.
It's mine!
I should never have let it go.
I want to buy it back.
-Strange old woman. -Jar full of ancient catnip?
Can you say suspicious?
Can I say "suspic..." Yeah, of course I can. Suspicious.
Oh. I see, you're doing a, "Oh, it's one of your mystery things..."
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I get it. Sorry, sorry.
Go ahead. As you were, go on. And?
Give us the money, then. Pay up.
Weirdo.
Oh, Mr. Gervais, how wonderful to see you again.
Oh, dear. Did you come to return that?
I'm so sorry, sir. I don't take returns.
Well, not normally,
but, obviously, I could never say no to you.
Yeah. It's my charm, ain't it? You know.
Or my pheromones or something.
Basically, people love me.
But, anyway, no. Sorry, mate. I can't sell you the statue back.
-It's Ollie's favorite. -Ah.
How cute.
But I must apologize.
I didn't make full disclosure on that statue.
It is said to be cursed.
That would explain the mummy.
DEALER: Mummy? What mummy? ALL: Nothing.
Truth be told,
I need your help.
I don't trust that young man.
The none-too-bright act of his
might be just that, an act.
I fear he's some kind of devious,
criminal mastermind.
No one's that stupid.
He's trying to throw us off the scent.
Devious, criminal mastermind says, "What?"
Hello.
Devious, criminal mastermind says, "Hello."
-What? -(SCOOBY CHOMPING)
Tasty.
It's good.
Right. I don't know about you lot,
but I can actually feel the IQ levels
dropping off a cliff around here.
Yes. There's something else.
-(OLLIE MEOWS) -Follow me.
I found this old door.
(CREAKING)
-Like, man, I hate creepy old doors. -Me, too.
My assistant spends a lot of time
skulking around back here.
So, I did a little digging.
This doorway leads to an abandoned wing of the British Museum.
Apparently, this building used to be a house for the museum's docents.
I'm thinking this must have been a way for them to get to work.
The British Museum?
Home to one of the largest collection
-of Egyptian antiquities? -Let's check it out.
I better put Ollie in her cat-carrier.
-SCOOBY: Huh? -There you go, Ollie.
-Aww. -(MEOWS)
All your toys, in there too.
(SQUEAKING)
(OLLIE MEOWS)
So small.
No, it's all right, Scooby. Plenty of room in there for her.
Storage space, clothes, closet.
It's even got a little food dispenser there.
Personal Jacuzzi.
-(OLLIE PURRS) -(TOILET FLUSHING)
And her own flushable toilet, had it made especially.
Ooh, nice.
VELMA: Wow. The British Museum after hours?
It's like a dream come true.
SHAGGY: Like, zoinks, V, it's more like a nightmare.
(SHAGGY WHIMPERING)
All of you have your own little catchphrases, don't you?
Like, Daphne's got, "Jeepers."
Velma has, "Jinkies."
Shaggy, "Zoinks."
All right. Even Fred says, "Hold the phone."
And?
I mean, well, my point is
you just say your name. You just go,
"Scooby-dooby-doo."
I mean, you say it in a funny way,
but it's just your name, it's not a catchphrase.
Do you know what I mean?
I don't get it.
You need a catchphrase.
Do you know what I mean?
You know, like, uh...
Um, like, "What's up, Doc?"
You can't use that 'cause it's someone else's.
But you could use, you know... why don't you use...
Um, "What's up, Vet?" You got a vet...
I assume. You know, like, "Hey, what's up, Vet?"
I don't know, just think about it.
Oh. (CHUCKLES) I don't get it.
Come up with something better than if you're so smart.
Just stop saying your name.
It's ridic... It's a name.
(MIMICKING SCOOBY) Ricky Gervais! Ricky Gervais!
It's mental.
(SCREAMS, GROANS)
Mr. Antique dealer, are you okay?
I, uh, I don't think I'm alone down here.
-(SOFT MOANING) -DEALER: Oh! What was that?
Oh. The mummy, I think it's down here with me.
No. No, stay back!
-(GROWLING) -(DEALER SCREAMING)
DAPHNE: Where'd he go?
(ALL GASP)
(GROWLING) Statue.
(MENACINGLY) Statue.
(MUMMY CHANTING)
(MEOWING)
(LOW GROWL)
Well, Ollie, that's another fine mess you've gotten me into.
-(OLLIE CATERWAULING) -(ALL GASP)
Not the face. Not the face.
(SHRILL MEOW)
(CAT-MUMMY GROWLING)
-(ALL WHIMPERING) -(CAT-MUMMY GROWLING)
Mmm?
(GROWLING)
-(SCOOBY SIGHS) -CAT-MUMMY: Hmm?
(GRUNTS)
(CONTINUES GRUNTING)
Achoo!
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
(SNARLING)
Huh?
Whoa!
(SCREAMING)
(EXCLAIMING)
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
Hmm. Hmm.
-(VELMA GASPS, SCREAMS) -(MUMMY GROWLS)
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SHAGGY WHIMPERING)
We're gonna have, like, 178,000 years of bad luck, Scoob.
(WHIMPERING) Yeah.
(GROWLING)
(BANGING)
FRED: It sounds like someone's trapped in there.
SHAGGY: Or something.
(BANGING CONTINUES)
Just a quick FYI. I'm not sure I approve
of opening strange sarcophagi. You know, curses.
I mean, not without a note from its mummy. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
-See what I did there? They love it. -(LAUGHING)
-(ALL WHIMPERING) -SCOOBY: Oh, no.
(SIGHS IN RELIEF) Oh, thank goodness. It's just that creepy,
-weird, old lady. -(MUFFLED) Weirdo.
(SNIFFS)
I know this tape.
Oh, me too.
That's it. It's a type of acid-free packing tape.
Of course.
Looks like this mystery is really starting to come together.
Velma, you can't just say that
and keep it a secret, right, gang?
I mean, just... I'm just saying
if she understands the mystery, she should just say
who the bad guy is, just blurt it out, and we can all go home.
So, come on, who did it?
Mr. G, that's not really how we do things.
-SCOOBY: Uh-uh. -But all will be revealed.
Because right now, it's trapping time.
Fine. Have it your way.
-(INDISTINCT MUMBLING) -Wait.
(LADY EXCLAIMS)
I know how we can hoist this cat-mummy
by its own petard.
-SCOOBY: Huh? -Uh, in English?
We'll use this ancient catnip
to nip the ancient cat-mummy right in the old catnip-napper.
Uh, again, in English?
Go and hold your phone somewhere else, Fred. I've got this, all right?
Yeah, Fred, let's do Ricky's trap.
Well, maybe Ricky should drive the van, too.
ALL: Yeah!
This is never gonna work.
The apex of the fulcrum is off like 30 degrees.
(BOTH WHIMPERING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Huh?
(LAUGHS)
I told ya. You should have let me do the ropes.
I know, Fred. It's just so hard for me to listen
to a young guy who wears a cravat.
I'm just being honest. It's, you know...
Never mind that. We have to fix this.
And fast. Before the mummy gets away.
(CAT-MUMMY MOANING)
RICKY: You've got to get the mummy on to the spot in the middle.
Get him back to the middle.
On it, Ricky.
-(SHAGGY BLOWS RASPBERRY) -(MUMMY GROANS)
-The statue! -(CHUCKLES)
(GROWLS)
Like, go, Ricky. Run!
Come on, mummy. Come on.
Now, Daphne!
(STRAINS)
(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)
Oh, it's funny, is it?
Oh, you think it's all fine, don't ya?
Statue.
-Statue. -Ugh. You still need that toothbrush, mate,
-I'm serious. Oh. -(SOFT GROWLING)
(CATERWAULING)
(CAT-MUMMY EXCLAIMS QUIZZICALLY)
Yeah. Looks like the cat's out of the bag.
And by cats, I mean cats. Lots of cats.
All the cats, yeah. (LAUGHS)
(CATS MEOWING)
(CAT-MUMMY GRUNTING)
Time to wrap up this mystery.
Or should I say unwrap it?
Come here, Ollie. Come to Daddy.
Now, Shaggy. Now, Scooby-Doo.
(CAT-MUMMY EXCLAIMS, SCREAMS)
Now, let's see who this mummy of Bast really is.
(OLLIE MEOWS)
ALL: (IN UNISON) The antique dealer?
-What? -Why?
It's really quite simple.
He's not actually an antique dealer.
He's a world-renowned jewel-thief.
The antique store was just a cover,
and a way for him to access the British Museum unseen.
Glasses McGee here has it right.
I've been on a stealing frenzy in this place.
Then, I managed to steal the prize of all prizes,
the ruby of the Nile.
The greatest gem in the museum.
I spirited it out of the museum.
But once back in my shop,
I hid it in an old cat statue.
There it would stay,
until I could safely ship it to my buyer overseas.
But, when my truly dim-witted assistant
sold the statue to Mr. Gervais,
well, I had to get it back.
That's when I invented the Bast mummy costume,
as a way to hide my identity and steal the statue.
I used that old woman's ancient catnip
to get you and the cat out of the apartment
so I could steal it back.
(MUFFLED) Weirdo.
-Sorry, are you not gonna... -What?
You're not gonna say, you'd have gotten away with it
if it wasn't for you meddling kids.
No, well, I mean, I can. If you...
-I think you should. -All right. (CLEARS THROAT)
And I would've gotten away with it, too,
if it weren't for you meddling kids.
Yeah. Good. And me.
Mention... I think you should mention me in this particular episode.
I mean, I've been...
I've done a lot more than most,
sort of, guest stars.
You know, say... Say comedy legend, Ricky Gervais.
And comedy legend, Ricky Gervais.
-And Ollie. -And his cat.
(MEOWS)
Well, gang,
we didn't just solve this mystery,
we solved the heck out of this mystery.
It was quite an adventure.
Right, Mr. Gervais?
Mr. Gervais?
Sorry. I wasn't listening.
I just rubbed that ancient Egyptian catnip
all over meself, and look, I can't...
Oh, I love cats. Yes, I do.
Do you know what Dickens said?
"What greater gift than the love of a cat."
And they love me.
Now, do you know what else Dickens said?
"Well, get out and leave me alone. Scram. Bye."
(LAUGHS) You're just silly.
I don't think Dickens ever said any of that.
Doesn't matter. Just go now, though.
We've had... We've had a good time.
Let's not spoil it.
Let's not outstay our welcome.
This has been long enough. Thank you. Lovely to meet you.
All right, bye. Bye. See you soon. Not soon.
Not soon. Probably never, but do write.
Or not. Doesn't matter.
Don't, don't call. Bye. Thank you.
-Phew. Oh. -(CATS MEOWING)
â™ª Rick-dooby-doo and Ollie too â™ª
(HUMS TUNE)
It was quite fun, wasn't it? (CONTINUES HUMMING)
(GASPS) He stole my line.
That's my line. That Scooby-dooby-doo.
Whatever.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)