♪♪♪
and all the men and women merely players". AHHH!
- Sorry about that, I did it on purpose.
- Oohhh... whatcha workin' on, Courtney?
Sounds boring! Is it boring?
- You know what it is!
My one-woman Shakespearean recital
that I've been practicing all year
for our upcoming talent show!
Chef! Where are the new props you promised me?!
- A little busy, Courtney.
Can someone please go into my office
and get Courtney's props.
Top left drawer in my desk.
Don't look anywhere else!
(bang) OW! OW! OW!
- Format computer? Okay! (Beep)
- Whoaaaaa!
Uniforms from Chef's jobs before he started teaching!
- Wait. Chef was a CHEF?
My brain hurts!
- LOOK WHAT I FOUND!
All: (impressed) Oooh!
- Hey! What's takin' so long? (Music sting)
Uh-oh.
- We found your mask! - Were you a wrestler?
- Y'ever fight a bear?
- Huh. Haven't seen this old thing in a while.
Sorry kids, but the history of this mask is so painful
I can't talk about it.
- Okay. - (Sigh)
It was three long years ago...
- (Gasp) I was just a kid!
- Ahem...where was I?
It was three long years ago...
The O.W.W.
had just given me my first pro wrestling contract.
I was in a tag team called 'Hot Lunch'.
My ring name was Soup and along with my partner, Sammy,
we were headed for STARDOM!
But right before our title match,
the Commissioner forced me into a double cross!
I performed his own signature move against him:
The Ham Slamwich.
It knocked Sammy out of wrestling forever.
And I felt so guilty I quit the OWW
and took the worst job I could think of...
teaching kids.
- I wanna be a wrestler! - Me too!
- Totally! - Time to bring the pain!
- My Mom calls me pain. Oof!
- Aghhh! (Fighting grunts)
- (Phone buzzes) Hi, Bargain Basement Beat Down?
I need 10 of your most painful chairs please.
- Chef, where do you get two-by-fours with nails
sticking out of them? - On it.
- Oh! Sweet. Never mind.
- See? Now if anybody tries to grab me in a headlock,
these guys will bite their arms off. Easy peezy.
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
Folded chairs? Concealed squirrels?
That's not wrestling!
That's just fighting dirty!
And it's what got me into trouble in the first place!
Look, if I'm coaching, we wrestle clean.
Got it? - (Sighs)
I guess clean wrestling is better
than no wrestling at all.
- Let's give wrestling a bath!
- Now if you kids wanna be real wrestlers,
you gotta create your alter egos.
- You guys know what that means...
All: MAKEOVERRRRRRRRRS!
- (Snoring) - To sleep,
perchance to dream -ay, there's the rub,
for in this sleep--
(Light clicks off) Noah: Wrestling fans!
- Huh? - HEY!
- Put your hands together
for the hottest new wrestlers
in the whole school district!
MEAN GREEN!
- (Roars)
Noah: THE DRAMA QUEEN!
REFRIDGE O' RAIDER!
- (Big belch)
Noah: The SQUIRREL'S NEST!
And... The Towel?
- Kids! You look amazing!
I don't think I've ever been so proud.
- What about the time we saved all those orphans?
- Nope, THIS.
In fact, we're gonna put on a wrestling show
instead of that boring thing Courtney wanted to do.
- But Chef-- - Now let's jump ahead
three weeks and see how great you're doing!
♪♪♪
(Slapping, groaning) - Take that, and that.
- Nestor! Get back here!
- Chef, I absorb blood and sweat!
- I don't understand. How is this possible?
- Because I'm a towel. - NO!
- I mean, how is it possible that you kids are worse
than when I started coaching you three weeks ago?!
- That's cuz your kind of wrestling is boring, Chef!
If you just gave us some barbed wire and thumbtacks
then maybe-- - No! No! No!
That's fighting dirty!
And we're not wrestling that way!
- We can do better, Chef! Watch!
- WEEEEEEEEEEEE!
- Oh, this is a disaster!
Everybody will have to watch Courtney's horrible thing!
(Crying) It's over!
It's all over!
- He tried to share a special part of his life
and we failed him.
You know what that means...
Chef is a lousy teacher.
- Hold on.
I think I know someone who might be able to help.
(Doorbell rings) - (Whistling)
Ugh, can I help you, stranger?
(Gasps) SAMMY!
- Oooooh BABY! It's me!
How you doin', Soup?
- But (stammering) I thought
you were never gonna speak to me again?
- Eh, you kiddin'? I been tryin' to find you for years.
- Really? Because I sent a bunch of friend requests.
I left voicemails.
I even order you a meat bouquet
every year on your birthday.
- We told Sammy about the big show!
- And it's not too late to cut
Courtney's boring junk out, right?
- (Grumbles)
- Aw, wouldn't miss the opportunity to get back
in the ring with my pal, Soup!
Oooh yeahhhhh.
- Well, all right then!
C'mon kids, we got some training to do!
All: (Cheering)
- Oooh baby-heehee. Just like old times.
(Evil laugh)
- Oh yeah, his laugh didn't sound evil at all.
- HIYAH!
- Oof! Nice work, Duncan!
You're only missing your kick by a couple feet now!
You guys have really stepped it up since Sammy got here!
Wonder where he is?
- Hm. Why would Sammy not be out there?
I thought he wanted to train for the big show.
(Welder sparks)
- Breakaway chair welded solid.
Electric animal trap.
Angry beaver.
Everything I need to turn this show
into a down and dirty revenge match!
And the best part is no one suspects a thing
because no one is listening to me talk right now.
(Evil laugh)
- Sammy's not here for a re-union!
He's here for re-venge!
He's gonna fight dirty in the big match!
Why am I telling you this, I have to tell Chef!
(Bell dings)
Noah: WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME!
In this corner,
weighing in at a combined weight of 110 pounds
and hailing from... here!
It's the total dra-maniacs!
And in this corner...
it's Hot Lunnnnnnch!
- Chef, you can't do this! You need to cancel the fight!
- Courtney, I'm sorry I cut your Shakespeare talk-alogue
out of the show but trust me,
this is gonna be much less boring.
- But--
- You know, back in the day, my partner, Soup,
did a lot for me. And to me.
Now, I finally have a chance to pay him back for all that...
kindness!
- NOW LET'S! GET! RASSLIN'!
(Bell dings)
(Running thumps)
EE! EE! OW! OOF!
- (Giggle) Nice one kids!
Tag me in, Sammy, TAG ME!
(War cries)
- Oof! GAH!
Ack! Oof! ARG! AAAH!
(Giggle) You're up, Sammy.
(Yells in pain)
(Squirts)
(Metallic snap, electricity crackles)
(Zapping) Kids...
All: (Gasp)
- Why?! SAMMY WHY?!
- I'll tell you why...
'cause you're a dirty, weak,
double-crossing cheat!
And now it's my turn to get... dirty!
- Please, Sammy! Don't do this!
Fighting dirty only leads to more pain!
It won't fix what happened in the past!
- Maybe not.
But Oooh babayyy I'm really gonna enjoy it.
(Grunt) Huh?
- Hey bucko, if you're gonna play dirty,
then we're gonna play dirty too.
- Yeah. You think you can play dirtier than us?
HA! I don't even know what soap looks like.
- Okay, let's do this!
(Light clatter, bones crack) WHOA!
OW! OOH! OW!
- ICE BLASTER! (Ice cubes clatter)
- ATTTTTAAACCCKK! (Squirrels chittering)
- WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
AHHHHHHHHH!
- Looks like this match really was scheduled
for one fall.
- Well, Sammy, are you ready to throw in the towel or what?
- Ha! I'm not about to be pinned by a bunch of toddlers,
no matter how dirty they're fighting.
Hey, do you guys hear, like, a whistling sound?
(Whooshing through air) - I'm a projectile!
Ahhhh! (Boom!)
(Birds chirp)
(Slaps mat) - ONE! TWO! THREE!
IT'S OVER! (Bell dings)
All: WE DID IT! WE DID IT!
- You kids were amazing!
I guess that sometimes in life we do have to fight dirty
if we want-- Courtney: (Ah-hem)
Yes, the ravages of betrayal.
Perhaps the bard summed it up best in Julius Caesar:
"This was the most unkindest cut of--
- (Whistles)
Ahhhhh! All: Yeah!
- (Growls) This ain't over.
I'll have my revenge yet, Soup!
I'll have my REVENNNNNGE!
- Revenge? (Chuckles) Oh my.
Not for a while you won't.
You're lucky to be alive! See?
It appears you have a small 'Cody' lodged in your sternum.
(Doctor chuckles)
- Can we get more rice pudding?
I love hospital food!
(Sammy screams)
♪♪♪