- Where's the girl?
- What girl?
- Where's the girl?
- What girl? I really don't know
what you are talking about.
- How come we found one of her shoes out your chimney?
And there's a lock of her hair in your top pocket.
- I've never seen this before!
Oh please make this stop.
- Look what you've started Jeeve.
I'll lug you around like a fuckin' toby jug!
Where's the girl?
- All right! I'll say anything! Please stop.
- And that's just one of the things policemen do all day.
Thank you very much indeed Mr Milsom for helping us.
Now, who wants to see how we fish
opium out of sailors assholes?
(Theme music)
- London Fog
Toppins in a jar
London Fog
Toppins in a jar
- All over murders fucking pictures and everything.
- Oye! It's a penny each you thievin' God Bless you Sir.
- Boy have you reached that smell.
On the happy source already are we Rabbit?
Trying to stop the voices in your head?
Oh me old lady they found in three suitcases
Why didn't you save me Rabbit?
I'm the flower girl what got dismembered in the alley way.
- Rabbit!
My office now!
- It's funny Tanner, your mates' reckon that hat
makes you look like an asshole.
I reckon it suits you.
- What did you say?
- You heard.
- What the cockaded goes through your head?
What happened?
- What?
- Shut your pipe!
You put a teacher in hospital you div.
This came today, know what it is?
- I don't know, a letter?
- Dear Inspector Rabbit, your visit yesterday
really inspired me.
When I grow up, I want to kick wrongings
in the bollocks then string the wankers up.
Signed Lily, aged nine
Nine.
- Just working together for a safer city.
- You made me look a proper tit!
Remember to watch your ass!
In you come lad.
- Who the fuck is that?
- I need you to play the game Rabbit.
So you're getting a partner.
- Sergeant Wilbur Strauss, delighted to meet you sir.
- I bet you are boy.
I don't want a partner.
- He's from Cambridge, top of his year in Criminology.
- Full disclosure, I also came bottom
It's a brand new course you see
and I was the only one in the class.
- You've got something on your shirt.
He even fell for that old gag.
- I want you to stick to this boy like shit to a blanket.
Or you're out on the cobbles.
- Father you forgot your sandwiches and did I get the job?
- Mabel, Darling, a woman can't be police.
- When you adopted me, you said
you wanted the best for me.
- I was merely talking about hats.
- If a woman can be a nurse or a novelist
then why can't she find the stolen jewels
or drown a nonce because a child's too good for him?
- Because it's never been done
and for other socioeconomic reasons.
- The only opportunity for a young woman
in this field is strangled girl in fog.
I'm aiming higher, I'm going to be
the first female copper
or fopper or lady filth or
- Bacon Dolly
- Femmie Plod?
- Shut your holes!
- We have not been introduced,
I'm Strauss the new police chair
- Fuck off!
- Watch your saucepots madam, now be off with you.
- Kids today
- Aye, oh this one's yours, now skidaddle.
- This is so exciting, I've only
ever read about East End in pamphlet.
It truly is the gateway to Solomon.
Oh a pub!
This is our first case, the Case of the Pub.
- Back already Rabbit, what you having?
Gin's literally blinding
you better take it with a mixer.
- I'll have a whiskey Gwen.
- What about your fancy pal?
- He'll have the same.
Gwen, why is there a sewing machine hanging from your roof?
- It's a push bike you mutton button.
It's a talking point, makes the place nice.
- Oh I bet it does girl.
- I'd say Mr Rabbit, I'm having the most tremendous time.
- You aren't cut out for this are you boy?
I'd quit while you can.
- Quit?
You and I are working together for a safer city.
- This is a rat eating it's own babies,
babies made of shit.
And once it's eaten it's own shit babies,
it shits them out again and then it noshes them
and that goes on and on until the sun turns cold
and the sea goes back up into the sky.
- How come you've only got one eyebrow?
- The dog chewed it off last year.
- Murder! Horrible Murder!
- Good.
Get out of the way for health reasons
by that I mean if you don't I'll kill you.
Get out of the way.
- So sorry.
- What's going on here fishface?
- Found her in a river, she drowned.
- Not before someone shot her.
- She's very beautiful.
- She's dead mate you can't say shit like that
when a bird's a brown bread.
- Excuse me, excuse me please, okay what have we got?
- None of your biz, just some old docker blow
- It's another young woman isn't it?
Can't you cockneys be a little more original?
- Stand aside underclass wretches
Tanner of the Yard is here.
- Why don't you bugger off Tanner, I've got this.
- Oh yes, like all those cases
he failed to solve ladies and gentlemen
because he was so tit ripped on booze.
He couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground.
(crowd laughing)
better leave this to the real police.
All gathered here pray silence
that I may solve this mystery.
(loud groan)
- Fuck's sake.
- Second it.
(choking noises)
- That's it, the victim wore blue gloves
that man over there has a blue hat
Blue and blue inclination's clear
You sir are the murderer.
(crowd gasps)
- Hold on!
No, wait!
- They didn't fall for that.
- I've heard Londoners are famous for their savvy.
- [Someone In Crowd] Three cheers for Inspector Tanner
Hip hip
- [Crowd] Hooray!
- [Someone In Crowd] Hip hip
- [Crowd] Hooray!
- [Someone In Crowd] Hip Hip
- [Crowd] Hooray!
- [Tanner] Don't touch me.
- Nine hundred times Rabbit,
"Killer in Blue Caught by Boys in the Above"
the papers love it.
- But the wrong man's gonna swing sir.
Give me two days, I'll bring him in by his ball sack.
- The case is solved Rabbit, so drop it
and remember who wipes your ass.
- Does he actually?
- No I think it's a northern expression.
Can you stop saying it?
- I should say what I bloody like, now move!
- Good day officer, Sir Giles Linley
standing for re-election as your member of parliament.
You caught a right ugly brut there.
Where can I find your inspector?
I'm here donating books to the inmates, improves them.
What you think for this repulsive savage?
I've got amputation, a cure for masturbation, or
do Irishmen have souls, the twist is, they do.
- But he-
- Illiterate, not surprised.
He probably eats with his feet.
What happened to his eyebrow?
- His dog chewed it off last Christmas.
- Is that a fact?
Look at his skull, criminal bone structure
a swirling vortex of lust and rage
which judging by the look on his face
has damaged his brain rendering him mute.
What's he called?
- I'm called Detective Inspector Rabbit.
- We thank you for your service.
- What are we doing?
- If anyone asks, we're snoring in our beds.
- Which one's the beautiful maiden?
- You can't be saying shit like that
about the dead birds.
- But you have to admit it sir, she's adorable.
- She WAS adorable, I won't fucking tell you again.
Here we go.
Give me a hand.
Good Lord I can see all her privates, oh do excuse me madam.
And we've revealed her lady pantry.
- Help me turn her over.
- I've done some things, Heaven take me Inspector Rabbit
I feel the Devil is into my bridges
- A second bullet hole, that's a bit bloody odd.
(clanging)
- Whoever you are you want to step out now
or I'll smack your head so hard
they'll find it on the fucking moon!
The MOON!
(loud sighs)
Mabel what are you doing?
- I'm solving this crime because unlike you
I won't spunk it up at wall.
- [Rabbit] What's your problem?
- You have an awfully fruity mouth for a lady.
- I'm not the one with an erection Sergeant Fucksicle
They shot her twice.
- I just said that.
- Checked her clothes?
- In my own time.
- Sorry Love
- I know what that is, it's one of those
little round things for the ladies' toilet money.
- A compact for make-up.
- A compact for make-up?
- A symbol could be a clue.
- I doubt it.
- You don't mind me having it then?
That's mine!
- Its police evidence now bugger off!
- I'm buggering nowhere.
- What time does that library open boy?
We should go and find out what this symbol means.
- If anyone's going to the library it's me.
- Just you try.
- Just you try and stop me!
- We didn't stop her.
- I know, I was mugging her off.
- Of course you were.
- We my boy, are off to the slums.
- The what?
- That rancy shitpit syphilitic craphole
known as Limehouse
- Fantastic!
- Lambs! Buy a lot!
- This place is extraordinary
does it always smell like this?
- I'll have a garden salad, no it's a treat day
I'll have jam squares
- Absolutely Mr Merrick, I'll get some pronto.
- Stare all you like but it will cost you thrivens
Merrick don't freak for free.
- I'm dreadfully sorry sir.
- Joe, I need you to take a shift against something.
- You saved my life once, I was set upon and nearly killed
by a cruel and vicious mob afterwards I said to him
"Rabbit I say, if ever you need any help
come and see the elephant."
But he's been pushing it, haven't you love?
- Nonsense, he loves it, we go way back.
- I traveled the world young man.
FIVE STARS in the New York Times!
If you see one hideous deformity this year
- Clearly I'm very well on it, good living suits you sir.
- What do you make of this, it's called a compact.
- Oh I know Ducky.
Solid silver, worth a pretty penny.
- Yeah what about the symbol?
- Jam squares Mr Merrick.
- Oh thank you dear, black currant?
What the Hell have you done?
I am terribly sorry boys.
- Quite all right.
- We've eaten.
- You young freaks, they think they don't have to
put in the brav, well you DO!
- I don't know what this is
but yes this is theatrical.
(licking)
There's only one outfit in town uses make-up this cheap.
Go here and Rabbit, my debt's paid.
- Your debt's paid when I say it's paid.
The sooner you get that into your massive head
the better for everyone but believe me
I wouldn't intentionally mock your appearance
but your head is fucking massive.
He doesn't mind.
- I know this gaff, it's one of those peepholes
- Beg your pardon?
- A peephole, tom shop, knock knock hide your cock
somewhere you go and see a bit of Jack and Danny
and maybe a bruman who tickles your pickles.
- It all sounds very creative Inspector but-
- An erotic cabaret
- Oh, I see
- Total filth they say
- Interested room straight away?
- We could do or we could watch the whole show first
- For clues
- Now you're talking my language
- Do you like it?
- Oh yeah, that is so good
- Would you like to see my other ankle?
- Oh yeah, that is good
- Do you like it?
- I do like it, it's so good
- Do you want to see the first ankle again?
- Throms for this knobwhack?
This is bollocks, it's usually much better than this
- [Lady On Stage] Do you like it?
- What do you mean?
- Well they get in the role for a start.
- The what?
- I'm gonna jump up, just do exactly what I say.
- All right.
- One, expect very bad word of mouth
Two, we're the Met and you're fucking nicked
- I'll cover the stairs gov
- Nobody move unless you're putting your hamptons away
- Speaking french
- Put that away me old mate
STOP
Sit down, what's your name?
- Claudette (long french name)
- Bloody Nora, I'll just call you french lady. Who is this?
- Edith Bates, she's in the show
but we haven't seen her for a week.
- I have seen her.
- Thank God
- She's dead
- (gasps)
- I probably should've started with that.
- I can't believe she's gone, she could do anything
Bored housewife, naughty housewife, limitless range
- Right, tell me who would want Edith out of the picture?
- All she had was admirers.
Somebody ici ce soir.
- Does that mean they are here this evening?
- Of course it is.
- I told you to put that away
- Hold your horses.
- (remembering) Get out of the way.
- [Someone In Crowd] Murder, horrible murder.
- Get out of the way.
- So sorry
- You
- Oye!
- Stay where you are.
- Come on, closer!
Come back!
- (loud groan)
I need you to punch me in the chest boy.
- Punch you?
- My jammed heart stopped, Come on you Wally!
(loud groan)
- Yeah, yeah it's going again.
- Dead end!
- Hold still you bastard.
- You're gonna pull through.
- He's dead.
- You're not gonna pull through, I'm sorry if I mislead you.
- Whoever did this ain't gone far.
- French lady!
- We can't arrest you if you keep running.
- Well, we've got a suspect.
- Name?
- French lady, she's in the same show as Edith.
French gets jealous so she kills her
And she offs the vicar cuz' he knows it.
- One thing doesn't add up.
- What?
- You, you leg of fuckwit ham, I told you to leave it
- She'll kill again Wisbech
she's got the taste, the TASTE!
- Them upstairs, they want to let this lie.
- But if you want me to stop, you'll have to fire me.
- Rabbit I've wiped your ass for long enough.
But no matter how many times I wipe
you can't keep a clean crack.
- Can you please stop saying that?
- You leave me with no choice, you've nowhere left to run.
Rabbit.
- Well don't fire Strauss, he's a good boy
He tried to stop me
- I certainly did not, I supported you at every turn.
- You tit
- Oh tit
- Rabbit, you are fired from the Met
Strauss, you are demoted to missing cats.
Give me your guns
and the rest.
Bloody Nora.
- Inspector, Inspector don't go
I've got so much to learn from you.
- I've got nothing to offer you boy but pain and poison.
- He'll drunk himself to death my midnight.
There is nothing a stray pube like you can do about it.
Why don't you go back to your mummy little boy,
cuz' you're way out of your league here.
- (Burp) Gwen!
- You've had enough whiskey Rabbit
I have a rum to take the edge off.
- Only Eyebrow!
- You think I'm funny do ya?
Well how funny am I now?
Oye that's mine you cheeky-
- All right girl
- Keep still, last time I'm patching you up
- Marry me
- Stop it!
- I say.
- Oh all right boy, come and have a drink.
- There's no time sir
I swiped your weapons from the station, And some extra ones
- Bloody Hell, you've gone rogue
You might look like a ghosty's dolly but you're a good boy.
- This is big, bigger than all of us.
I am not exaggerating when I say
that I have blown the lid off of all crime.
- At the library?
- Look what I found choir boy.
I took this book from the reference section.
- You stole it?
- From the reference section?
- Sometimes coppers have to break the rules
The symbol on the compact is hundreds of years old
I think it's the sign of a criminal society
so secret, nobody knows it's name.
- Good effort, but bullshit
- Inspector Rabbit and I deduced
it was the French lady that did it
- Looks like women can be killers.
- But it wasn't her!
- She's got the taste!
We need to find her before she kills again.
- Or performs any more piss poor erotica. Both unforgivable.
- I care about people, especially the hard working ones
I would like nothing more than to see alumni (trails off)
- Oh not him again, get out of the way
we've got a murderer to catch.
- And fairer for everyone
- Next Prime Minister they say
- God help us.
- I will improve the lot of every man here
and if there's a bit of time at the end of the day
I'll improve the lot of some of the women.
Inspector!
I fear I made quite a fool of myself yesterday.
Let's say we shake hands and forget all about it?
- What's up with you?
Are you trying the mouth the word symbol?
What does she mean?
- Oh no, no, no.
- Why are you mouthing the word symbol dear?
That's the same symbol that's on that compact!
- Yes!
Ah-ha-ha, what's your game gungadin?
- It's just the old family crest, I'm sorry gentlemen
I feel the call of nature.
- You need the toilet, do you?
- Well indeed.
- Sir Giles Linley, you've got the right to
a bunch of (raspberry) anyway, do you want to nick him?
- Can I?
- Sir, now if you would like to turn around while I-
- After him!
Whoa! It's gone again!
- We need transportation, if you wouldn't mind
would you restart the inspector's jammed heart?
- Come on!
- Now girl.
- Okay, okay, ready?
(groan)
- Oye! What the bleedin' Hell you think you're doing?
- Madam, I'm commandeering your talking point.
- Whoa! Where do I sit?
How does it work?
- I think it's to do with the foot pistons.
- What?
- He's heading to the docks!
- C'mon boy, to the docks!
Fucking things doesn't work.
- Jesus!
- Come on!
- Sir Giles we can't arrest you if you keep running.
- Show yourself Linley, you'll make a noise by mistake
- I think I found him sir.
- Drop it.
- I want passage to South America.
- Don't be a fool Linley.
- Yeah come on Linley don't be a cunt.
- From a lady.
- You watch your gob.
- I didn't want to kill Edith.
I fell in love with her at the cabaret,
gave her love tokens, she could do anything
bored housewife, naughty housewife
I proposed, but so did the vicar
we fought a duel for her hand
she tried to stop us.
- Bloody Men
We threw the body in the Thames
but I couldn't trust the vicar to keep his mouth shut.
- It's over Linley.
- She's right.
- I will not be arrested by a woman.
- I'm arresting you and I won't tell you again
you poshcock, drop it!
- And if I don't?
Oh God!
- Skull of an ugly Bru aye?
Well how's that you bastard?
You took a bullet for me today boy.
- Anytime, working together for a safe city.
- Who are the society, tell us!
- There's no such thing.
- No!
Out of bullets, that's embarrassing.
- It's all right, try mine.
- Thank you.
- Get out.
- Yeah, Yeah, that's exactly where I wanted it.
- So Claudette followed us to warn us about Linley
but when she saw the dead vicar she panicked.
- Very good Strauss, I'm getting out
my loose ends book I'm writing, tied up.
- And as I helped solve it
I assume that I get to be the first official fopper.
- Filly Fuzz
- Bobby Dolly
No sweetness, you know I'd do anything for you
anything, but it's never gonna happen
And what about that secret society carry on
- Total bollocks.
- Absolute bullshit.
Can I just say I've had the most incredible time.
- Good boy, Come on Mabel, you may not be a fopper yet
but I'll let you walk down the street with us.
- Wow, what an amazing reward.
- I know, but I go in the middle.
- Mud, shit and mud, punch it for a penny.
I see them.
- Good, have them followed
and then have them killed.
(theme music)