(dramatic music)
- How long do these things usually last, Inspector?
I have a pulling cramp.
- As long as it takes, son.
The trick is to stretch out every half hour
and if you get too cold--
- Yes?
- Piss yourself. (cackles)
- So much they didn't teach in college.
- Budge up, what's happening?
- You're not police.
And your dad said on no account
am I to tell you about this stakeout.
- Ooh, a stakeout!
- Nor am I giving you these binoculars.
(dramatic music)
- She's stashing something.
Let's nick her.
- We'll check the bag for diamonds first.
- Then nick her?
- Nicking's the best bit.
Go!
- Back up, Rabbit!
- This is Inspector Tanner's case.
- What a dolly plunker you are!
That's my bleedin' tip-off.
- You're not having it, I'm afraid, old bean.
It's more my sort of thing, really.
Tanner of the Yard catches the beauty
behind jewel smuggling ring.
They'll be kissing my ass from Tower Hill to Buck's Row.
Chin-chin.
- Was something ticking?
- Yeah.
Tanner!
If I was you, I'd put that bag down.
- If I was you, Rabbit, I'd shut my cock holster!
It's every man for himself these days. (laughs)
(device ticking)
Holy f--
(bomb blasts)
- There he goes.
(dramatic music)
(officer coughing)
♪ Step it away you brick man ♪
♪ Step it up and down ♪
♪ Step it away you brick man ♪
♪ London town ♪
♪ Step it away you brick man ♪
♪ Step it up down ♪
♪ Step it away you brick man ♪
♪ All fall down ♪
- How's Tanner?
What news from the hospital?
- Well, he's alive, but he's lost some bits.
- Which bits?
- A straight bit,
a round bit, a curly bit.
I'm not really a doctor.
- Now, I've seen those all over the place.
- Well, it's nearly Brick Night.
You can't have Brick Night without--
- Brick Man.
- Naturally.
What are you talking about?
- It's an East End thing.
Don't they have bricks in Incest-Upon-Avon?
- And every Brick Night, Brick Man steps out of Brick World.
- He wears brick clothes and has a brick face
and if you don't believe in him,
he stabs you in the neck repeatedly with his brick knife.
- Just a bit of fun for the kids.
- No, Brick Man, no!
- Where did you get this ridiculous talisman?
This is blasphemy!
There is no such thing as Brick Man.
(figurine clatters)
- Oi, Bible boy!
If you want to fight with someone,
then you fight me.
No, actually, fight him.
He's fitter and I can't be arsed with you.
- Heathens!
- There you go, girl, have a penny.
Buy yourself a new doll.
- They're sixpence.
- Yeah, well, you can fuck that.
(dramatic music)
- In your name, my Lord, I cleanse this city
of false idols.
(child singing)
♪ Step it away the Brick Man ♪
♪ Step it up and down ♪
♪ Step it away the Brick Man ♪
- [Brick Man] Now do you believe?
- Please!
I beg you!
(man screaming)
♪ All fall down ♪
- There's been a murder.
- Fucking brilliant!
- Shut it.
Duck Pond Lane.
A stabbing in the neck.
And in the wound, a quantity of red dust.
- Looks like your mum's cooking, John.
(all laughing)
- A Brick Man imitator.
A dupe brickard, if you will.
- I want this cracked like a witch's mirror.
- You should use psychology.
- It don't exist, guv.
We need to get out there and break some fingers.
Find some leads and break their fingers.
Find the culprits and break their fingers.
Find the leads' culprits and break their fingers.
Get right up inside the fingers.
Finger the fingerers.
It's all about the fingers.
- To wit, we are dealing with one sick individual.
- Sounds to me like someone needs to
shit or get off the pot.
- Rabbit, Strauss, go solve this.
(thrilling music)
Not now!
When I say.
I now say.
(thrilling music)
Not you.
(knocking at door)
- Come.
- My weekly report, ma'am.
- Mm, proceed.
- Um, the attempt to end the lives
of Rabbit and his associates--
- Let me stop you there, Maude.
We don't attempt, we do.
- Indeed, ma'am.
And a second operation will--
(gun fires)
(Maude gurgles)
- What's that?
(tense music)
(bell ringing)
Will someone bring in my street shoes?
I've got work to do.
- You can't be police!
Even if I wanted you to.
Which I don't.
- I'm as good as any bloke in there.
I'm a fist with legs.
- Why can't you think about the things
women are meant to think about?
Spaniels wearing ribbons.
Kittens in moonlight.
- Come on, Dad.
Give me anything, no matter how small.
- Well, there is a new crime wave we need to stop.
- I'm your man!
Who isn't a man.
(dramatic music)
Stop bicycle theft.
(Mabel groans)
- [Man] Come and join our Whitechapel Historical Fellowship.
- Hello.
- Would you like to join our Historical Fellowship?
Fascinating lectures with no distractions.
We pride ourselves on our lack of refreshments.
- No.
I think he only stopped because your daughter
was giving him the salmon.
We've got stuff to do, come on.
- Goodbye.
(rhythmic music)
- I can't breathe.
My legs are like jelly.
My mind's racing.
Is this love?
- No.
We just passed the hat factory.
You're off your tits on airborne mercury.
- Oh.
- It's that bell-end from yesterday.
May God rest your soul.
- Doesn't make sense, sir.
The night watchman was right nearby,
but nobody saw the killer.
No trace.
- There's always a trace.
Brick dust.
(tense music)
Look.
This is the way to do it, Strauss.
None of your psycho-ro-logy bollocks.
- Psychologists say one's father greatly influences
a chap's character.
My father certainly did
the three times a year I met him.
- I never knew my dad.
I know he named us after animals.
There's Leopard, me brother,
me sister, Weasel.
He wrote the names on our heads
before dumping outside a church.
- Good grief.
(Rabbit sighs)
A brick wall.
Just as the street ends in a brick wall,
does cold science, too have its limits.
Is Brick Man real?
Could this be the door to the Brick World?
(manhole cover bangs)
Or that's the way in.
The jury's still out, really.
(tense music)
- Hello.
The police are giving free advice
on how to secure your bicycle.
- And what's that?
- Oh, the chain?
Oh, well, yeah, you shouldn't just secure the front wheels,
because the little shits will just nick the rest of it.
- Move.
How come they let one of you lot in the police?
- Well, women do a lot of things now.
- That's not what I meant.
- I'm gonna count to two
and you're gonna fuck right off
or I'll show you just how police I can be.
One.
(woman exclaims)
(Mabel growls)
(chains rattle)
(man groans)
Not so chatty now, you racist shit!
- Thank you.
- Don't mention it.
Us girls, we've got to look out for each other.
So, where were we?
- Don't worry.
There's been a change of plan.
- Oh.
Right.
(chain rattling)
(man grunts)
- Other dimensions my puckered arse.
This is how Brick Man gets about.
- London sewers.
Best in the world, they say.
Not sure they spend a lot of time down here, though.
- Shh, shh, shh!
What was that noise?
- [Strauss] Inspector, I think I saw something!
(brick thunks)
(Rabbit grunts)
- That felt like a brick.
Run!
(thrilling music)
(officers clapping)
- [Man] Bravo, Tanner!
Welcome back, sir.
- [Man] Welcome back, sir.
- [Tanner] Who was it?
The bomber?
- Trail's gone cold, sir.
We think maybe there was no jewel smuggling ring.
- The bomb was meant for Rabbit.
- Quite a nice job they've done on your bunt, sir.
Take more than a bang to stop brave Tanner of the Yard.
- I'll tell you about bravery, son.
In the Sudan I watched blokes getting their ears blown off.
Young fellows ripped in two by frightened horses.
One poor Welsh lad snagged his turkey purse
on a barbed wire fence and watched his little peanuts
fall into the grateful mouth of a desert shrew.
The look on his face.
Horrific.
This was meant for Rabbit.
And while there's puff my gruff and wind in my whistle,
I will make sure he gets what's coming to him.
(thrilling music)
- [Rabbit] Stop!
- [Strauss] Or at least slow down about 25%!
- Hello, Brick Man, I'm policeman,
come to arrest the living shit out of you.
(man gasps)
Oh, God, it's you.
- I didn't see it was you, Mr. Rabbit.
I thought you were some new lads working my patch.
- Who is this sewer dweller?
- This is Murky John.
He's a tosher.
- Ooh, what's that?
I'm compiling a list of appalling East End occupations.
- We scavenge the sewers for anything worth a few bob.
- Is that legal?
- Well, you might call it a gray area.
Rabbit, how about this for the lady in your life?
- Don't think you can bribe me, Murky.
Actually, that's quite nice.
- You may have the worst job I've encountered
since becoming a policeman.
- There's a few downsides.
Crowding, cholera, pettiness,
build up of flammable gasses exploding into a huge fireball,
the rats dragging you off to feed the rat king.
- You seen anything weird lately, Murky John?
- Last night.
A gentlemen walking the pipes.
Brick coat.
Brick hat, brick face!
The toshers are scared, Rabbit.
Catch him before he comes for us all!
- Oof!
(dramatic music)
- 'Morning, Rabbit.
Breakfast?
(rhythmic pounding)
(food crunching)
- Is that banging inside my head or is that for reals?
- Bastards are putting electric lights all down the streets.
Bad for business, running a pub under electric light.
- Why is that?
- Makes me look older.
I'm what you call a smoke beauty.
- 'Course you are, girl.
(rhythmic pounding)
Hang on.
(hammer pounding)
Oi!
What's your game, soppy nuts?
- Brick Man struck again last night,
but he can't come through no walls
if we knock 'em down first.
- Oh, God.
Where was it?
- Oakwood Row.
- You do that again, dick boy,
and I'll lop 'em off with a spoon.
- Let me guess, no witnesses.
- Why won't you coppers catch Brick Man?
You don't give a monkey's about the likes of us!
- Too right, mate!
- Shut your mouth, you old bastard.
- We should break every brick wall in London town.
Smash every wall!
(group cheering)
- [Mob] Smash the bleeding walls!
Smash the bleeding walls!
- Listen, Mr. Larkham--
- No, you listen.
People are scared of bricks for Christ's sake.
I've got 200 workers at my brick works.
If we close today, they don't eat tomorrow.
- Why not?
- Because I don't pay them enough.
Find the killer!
- I've got me best people on it.
What have you got?
- Well, he moves through the sewers,
so I was thinking we should form a shit squad.
- A shit squad?
- A shit squad.
- I think you already have.
- A squad made up of men who don't mind
getting their hands dirty,
men who'll wade in shit,
toss shit, eat shit, juggle shit,
swim in shit.
Shitty men, shitty coppers.
- I'd be proud to serve alongside Inspector Rabbit
in such a unit.
- You're not going to put that ridiculous clown
Rabbit on it, are you?
- Rabbit's one of my best running banger-uppers.
- Who's that girl who took down that bag snatcher?
She's showing your lot right up.
- What? Mabel?
- Get her on it.
- But--
- Wisbech, I am a friend of the Home Secretary.
We both play Petanque together.
If you can't find this murderer,
he will get in someone who can!
Good day.
- Mr. Larkham, you're a very rich and powerful man,
two qualities I admire greatly.
- Mm, never mind that.
Tell me,
what happened to Rabbit's eyebrow?
- Oh, his dog bit it off or something at Christmastime.
- Oh.
- But everyone needs a friend in this station.
I could be such a friend for you, sir.
What's left of my left eye just winked at you.
- [Wisbech] Mabel!
- Hmm?
- You're on Brick Man with these two.
- Yes!
You won't regret it.
But if you do, it'll be too late, so who cares?
- Well done, girl,
but don't bollock on about that--
- Psychology!
We need to get inside the killer's head.
Okay, so what's his history with Brick Man?
- The Historical Fellowship.
She's the one I want to see.
I mean, she's the one we want to see.
Sorry, they're the ones we want to see.
About Brick Man.
- Yeah.
Come on, horny boy.
Police.
- Police.
- As good as police.
Just say I'm police, everyone say I'm police for now.
- [Rabbit] Tell us about Brick Man.
- The whole lot.
- And look sharp, chief, 'cause I get bored real easy.
- Please take a seat.
Now, hold old do you think the legend of the Brick Man is?
- I ain't got a bleeding clue, mate.
That's why I'm asking you.
- What if I were to tell you
that he was a mere 50 years old this year?
- Well, then I would tell you, "Fancy that."
- His first appearance, in an advertisement
for Larkham Bricks, founded by Sir John Larkham.
- We met his son.
- He's a bell-end.
- He's actually a patron of ours
and he's a wonderful man.
- He's a wonderful bell-end.
- We've not been properly introduced.
Sergeant Strauss.
- Harriet.
You're awful young for a policeman.
- Well,
you're very young for an historian.
- Once this was all countryside
and then the East End was built from Larkham Bricks
with Brick Man the star.
- But this Brick Man's got this smiling gob.
He don't look much like the stabbing type.
- Well, once the East End was built,
demand for bricks dropped,
so they gave Brick Man an edgy rebrand.
- Bugger me.
- A public relations disaster.
The adverts were withdrawn,
but the myth had begun.
- Maybe somebody wants to close down the brick factory.
- Well, they're going the wrong way about it.
Scares pass.
You can knock down every wall in London,
but then you have to rebuild.
And what do you use?
- Bricks.
- And Mr. Larkham will make a fortune.
- Did Larkham ever dress up as Brick Man?
- Hang on.
Yes.
For the Lord Mayor's parade.
Look.
- I was thinking, erm, do you like dancing?
- I don't know.
No one's ever requested a dance.
- That's funny because I've never had anyone to ask.
Erm, would you like to?
- Yes?
- (stammering) To...
- Oh, are you two gonna fuck or what?
I call it like I see it.
It's just me being me.
(dramatic music)
- Move.
Have you found the murderer yet?
- Well, let's hope so.
Cuff him.
- What?
Ah!
- So thank you for ruining my only chance of happiness.
- Relax, Strauss.
This is England.
It's chockablock with mousy girls.
- You're making a big mistake, Rabbit.
- Am I now?
Well, you do not have to say anything
because it might (talks gibberish).
Get rid of the prick.
- [Larkham] Unbelievable!
- [Rabbit] Knob-end.
- Brick Man strikes again!
Police fucking useless!
- Our kids ain't safe!
Lazy bleeding coppers!
Can't even chase a monster into his own dimension!
(mob clamoring)
- Are you mad?
Where's your evidence?
- Want to know your big mistake?
You killed wearing a Brick Man company costume.
Thing is, it weren't waterproof.
You still had sewer water in your shoes.
That's a nice pipe.
- We use water to make bricks, you fucking idiot.
Release me now or you'll regret it.
- All right.
You're free to go.
- Thank you.
- Oh, no, hang on.
I found this in your coat pocket.
(figurine clatters)
- I've never seen that before.
- Matches the other half found at the crime scene.
- Please!
You've planted it.
Why would I kill anyone, hmm?
- Father issues.
Your dad built the brick factory,
but now it's in trouble.
You're killing to show the world
you're just as good as he is.
(Mabel coughs)
- You all right, girl?
- Yeah.
- She's right, though I still think this
psycho-horror-tree is total bullshit.
- My father was worth a dozen of yours, Rabbit.
No, make that a hundred.
(laughs) Oh, yes,
I knew your papa all right.
A rotten ball of meat and whisky in the shape of a man
and your mother wasn't much better. (laughs)
I laughed like a drain
when they pulled her out of the Thames.
(club thumps)
- Sergeant Strauss, would you lock the door?
(club thumps)
Sergeant Strauss, would you unlock the door?
(Strauss cries)
- What the bloody hell's been going on here?
- He's the killer!
- No, Rabbit.
The killer's just struck again at Meadow Hill.
You're free to go.
- You're a dead man.
Dead!
(dramatic music)
- Shit.
(mob clamoring)
- This is the work of your local police.
They will not protect people like you or me,
the common factory owner in the street.
(mob clamoring)
It is about time
the police gets what's coming to them!
(mob clamoring)
- Larkham's behind this and he's got accomplices.
And that ain't just guesswork, I bloody know it.
- Um, chaps, it's looking pretty dicey out there.
(mob clamoring)
- Hold on a blinking bleeding fucking second!
Meadow Hill, Oakwood Row, Duck Pond Lane.
They're all rural, countryside-y names
and Larkham hates that.
- He wants the whole world bricked over.
- That's why he kills!
And because he's got the taste.
- He's got the taste!
The killer's got a pattern.
- It's the shape of a brick.
- Oh, don't be stupid.
It's three dots, that could be any pattern.
- Hold up.
Barley Lane.
- It's the shape of a brick!
- Okay, fair enough.
- Then that's where he's gonna strike next.
We need to get out of here.
- But how do we get through the riot?
- We blend in.
Perfect!
(thrilling music)
- [Mabel] What do we do now?
- [Rabbit] We wait.
- Can I just say what wonderful people you are?
- Shut up.
- If anything happens, it's been a privilege
to serve with a fine officer
and someone pretending to be an officer.
- [Rabbit] Shush.
(whispers) I think this might be a waste of time.
(all exclaiming)
(dramatic music)
(Strauss snorts)
♪ They all fall down ♪
The Brick World.
It's all true!
- This is the sewers.
Smell the gasses and shit.
Mainly shit.
- Where are you, Larkham?
- None of you believe.
- You couldn't have dragged the three of us
down here on your own.
You'd have needed help.
Murky John, I'll bet.
Those toshers, they know the sewers.
- Those who do not believe die.
- Funny thing is, Larkham, I left you with a limp.
Now you ain't got one, Larkham.
So I reckon, Larkham,
that you ain't Larkham.
- Who is it?
- Who else knew about Brick Man
and what we was up to?
(Harriet laughing)
- History.
- The history twats!
(dramatic music)
- Too late.
I'm gonna cut you from arsehole to breakfast time.
- Oh! - Ew!
- Harriet, why are you pretending to be in league
with this villain?
- Don't bother, son.
She hates us as much as she hates bricks.
- Shut your funnel.
- She wishes England was green again.
You want the lost world.
- The Larkhams bricked over paradise.
- Did I say that you could fucking speak?
- So you want to make people scared of bricks
so they flee the city.
But why plant the doll on Larkham?
- So you would arrest him.
And then he would be at the station and bang!
We strike.
- Can I just check?
What we had between us, was that real?
- What do you think, you chinless bucket?
- Is it a yes?
- Mm.
When your mangled bodies are found,
the city will empty.
And then nature can take back what is hers.
- All this for some nettles?
- I say, Dad, you couldn't light a fag for us,
could you, before you do us in?
They're in me top pocket.
- Ah, did I say that you could move?
- No, dear.
- Then stay where you are.
It's a trap.
- Sorry, dear.
- You know what?
My dad was a wanker, but you're worse, mate.
She's clearly needed boundaries her entire life.
You've given her fuck all.
- You know what?
You can have a cigarette.
- No, he can't, you gaping dick.
- Young lady, I have spent countless hours
in this uncomfortable costume
helping you with your killing and mutilating.
A thank you wouldn't hurt.
- Come on, chief, I'm gasping here.
- I won't fucking tell you again, Dad.
Do not do it!
(match strikes)
(flame bursts)
(passersby scream)
- Sorry, fellas.
I forgot to warn you about the buildup
of the highly flammable gasses.
Strauss, cuff 'em.
- Righto.
- There's plenty of bricks where you're going!
- Oh, that's nice.
You think of that just now or hours ago?
- Just now.
- Ha! Liar.
(dramatic music)
- When a policeman meets someone and falls in love,
does she always turn out to be the killer?
- No.
Sometimes she gets killed.
On the morning of your wedding day.
- Rabbit, doctor's report on Larkham's injuries.
(Rabbit scoffs)
- I'll just buy him a cocktail.
Fuckin' hell, the size of that.
I'll have to buy him the pub.
(Rabbit and Strauss laugh)
- Home Secretary's involved.
There's gonna be an inquiry.
Police brutality.
- You what?
Well, you could vouch for me.
'Cause he hit me first.
That might even be true.
Come back, you--
- And guess who's in charge of the inquiry?
- You're joking.
- C'est moi.
- Does that mean it's you?
- Don't worry, darling, I'll be completely impartial.
And then I'm gonna melt you down, my old China.
Run, Rabbit.
Run.
(tense music)
(knocking at door)
- Hello?
Oh, er, Lydia?
- Ah!
Miss Wisbech.
I am so glad you accepted my invitation.
Do come in.
- Thank you.
- I have a little club for women.
We believe that women are the future.
- I've been looking for something like that my whole life.
That and a corset that doesn't make my kidneys
pop out my ears.
(Lydia laughs)
- I think you and I are going to become great friends.
Tea?
- Oh, yes, please.
That's nice.
- Do you take lemon?
- Lemon?
Is that new?
(dramatic music)