- Tanner, if I was you I'd put that bag down!
- It's every man for himself these days! (laughs)
Holy.
(bomb booming)
This was meant for Rabbit.
(truncheon clanking) - You can't be police!
- I'm as good as any bloke in there.
I'm a fist with legs.
- I have a little club for women.
(gun blasts) I think you and I
going to become great friends.
- There's gonna be an inquiry.
Police brutality!
- Guess who's in charge of the inquiry.
Run, Rabbit, run.
(upbeat music)
- Whales' eyes!
Bloody big and tasty whales' eyes!
Lovely bit of bread, my darlin'!
- Someone went to work on you, all right.
- I got set upon by a bunch of good-time boys.
Bastards had dusters.
- We made our own weapons in my day.
None of your shop-bought.
So, what happened?
- Well, it all started last Thursday.
(tense music)
You know what?
I can't be arsed.
Why don't I heal like I used to?
- You've got a few years on you now, Rabbit.
Slow down a bit.
I'll slow down when crime slows down!
(gentle rhythmic music)
(onion crunching)
- [Man] Taste the news!
- We have a youth gang problem.
(all grumbling)
I know, I know, we nabbed the Blue Hand Mob
and the Poplar Oysters and we thought, "Job done!"
But that's the trouble with young people.
They will keep on being born!
Now here's the gangs we're going into.
The Stepney Boys.
Known by their distinctive yellow ties,
their greeting of, "Oi, oi, Malloy!"
And the look in their eye that says,
"I really like crime, I'm gonna do some."
The Flower Girls.
Flower in the hair, flower-based nicknames,
a flower sticking out yer arse
after they've finished with you.
- Look out! - The rest is in the bumf.
Mabel, deploy bumf.
- Nah, I don't need none of that.
Just put me in the gangs, guv, and I'll do the rest!
(all laughing)
What you laughing at?
- They're youth gangs, Grandad!
(all laughing)
- So?
- So you're an old fucker!
(all laughing)
- How's your eye?
- Strauss, you'll join the Stepney Boys.
- Jolly splendid.
- Two words that'll get you killed, son.
Rabbit, prep him.
- Don't send a boy to do a man's job of joining some boys.
- And we'll need someone in the Flower Girls.
- Dad, Dad!
I was literally born for this!
- Sergeant Keith Carnival.
You can tuck it in, can't you?
- I can, sir, it does tuck!
- Then, grab a wig, you're our flower girl.
- (mumbling) Excuse me, everyone!
Why get him to tuck it in
when I've got a perfectly good pair of tits
and a for real quim?
- Ooh, no! (all groaning)
- Females can't be police, love,
because males already are.
That's logic.
- I've met people who say that in the future,
there'll be no patriarchy!
- (laughs) That's not even a word!
- This is Ricardo.
He'll get you both into the gangs,
in exchange for not going to jail
with a load of nasty perverts.
Carry on.
- Hold up!
(gentle upbeat music)
Why didn't you pick me for that Stepney Boys gig?
I've still got what it takes.
I'm 32.
- (chuckles) 32 stone.
Anyway, I've got something really juicy for you, Rabbit.
- Deaths at an old folks' home?
- That's right.
- Dying's what they're meant to do in an old folks' home?
- There's been more than usual.
10 dead in a month.
- Juicy, you said!
You're having a bubble bath, I ain't doing that!
- You'll bloody do what I bloody say, when I say it,
until I bloody say don't do what I bloody say!
- All right!
- Piss off!
- Hello there me good geezer.
Off up the apples and pears to Bedfordshire, innit?
Let's go up the apples and pears bed.
- You need someone to kick the Cockney
right up you so it don't come out!
And I know just the chap to do it.
Tanner.
- Did you want something, Rabbit?
- Just gonna say, can't be easy after the old explosion
and everyone coming up to you saying,
"Is there anything I can do, Tanner?"
- I'm fine, thank you very much, Rabbit.
I'm just sitting here on my sweet Harris,
writing a vicious little report all about you.
- Now look here!
Inspector Rabbit beat up
one innocent suspect. - I once saw
a young chimney sweep shoot 100 feet up in the air
when his master threw a tin of wood polish in the fire.
The fucking state of him when he hit the ground.
A holiday compared to what I've got planned for you.
- Good to catch up.
- See ya!
(gentle upbeat music)
♪ Oh, roll up, roll up ♪
♪ Come and see the freak show ♪
♪ We've got things never seen before ♪
♪ Come and see the wild man covered all in hair ♪
♪ We found him in the jungle and his daddy was a bear ♪
♪ And now you've got to know us ♪
♪ Your friendly freak-show show-offs ♪
♪ Put a penny in the-- ♪
- No!
No, no, no!
This is the emotional finale!
We have to fuck them in the heart!
Am I fucked in the heart?
No, I am not.
From the top, please, Wesley!
(gentle upbeat music)
♪ Oh, roll up, roll up ♪
♪ Come and see the freak show ♪
♪ We've got things never seen before ♪
- Hello, Joe. (Joe yells)
- Oh, I thought you were the theater ghost.
What you after, Rabbit?
- Strauss needs to play the part of an East End hooligan
by tomorrow, otherwise he's cat meat.
- That one?
With two-dozen silver spoons in his gob
and spilling from his Bakerloo?
It can't be done. - Oh.
- Is what a lesser artiste would say!
Rabbit, leave him to me.
I'm going to break you.
And then I will remake you.
(gentle upbeat music)
- What do you mean, it won't tuck?
- I don't know, sir, it tucked last week.
- Sounds to me like someone needs to shit
or get off the pot.
- It's age, happens to us all.
I was one of the best tuckers on the force.
And then one day.
(door knocks)
- Dad?
Dad?
Dad!
(upbeat music)
(door knocking)
(doors clunking)
- Inspector Rabbit, I've come about the homicides.
- I'm so glad they sent a more experienced officer.
- I'm not old, if that's what you're implying.
- What happened to your eyebrow?
- The dog chewed it off last Christmas Eve.
- Sounds frightful.
Anyway, come in!
A man your age shouldn't stand in a stiff breeze.
(Rabbit sighs) (upbeat rhythmic music)
(doors slamming)
- Jesus!
- Here they all are, the residents.
Although I like to think of them as friends.
There's Jokey Jane, she's always making us laugh.
That's Baby, because she's only 72.
She helps me.
- Not lost 'em yet, boy!
- There's the Gazelle, the Masturbator.
You tie his hands, he still finds a way.
And I think that woman next to him is called
Julie.
- Julie.
- Why don't you all say hello to Inspector Rabbit?
- Can they see me?
- They like you, you fit in.
- Mr. Brown wore his crown upside down around the town.
- Piss poor.
(upbeat music)
No, no, no, no, no!
Like this.
All right?
- Brown. - Bread.
- Bran? - Wider, you're a slum boy!
- Town.
- [Joe] Town.
- Town.
- Tan!
- Don't go easy on him, Doris.
(Strauss laughs)
There, but more bronchial.
(Strauss retching)
(Strauss laughing)
That's it!
(both laughing)
- Mr. Brown wore his crown upside down around the town.
- My dear boy, I think you might be ready!
- Splendid! - Oi!
- I mean, fucking cushty!
- I think you did really well.
- Miss McKenrick, do any of your friends,
leave you as sole beneficiary in their wills?
- These are poor people, Inspector.
They have nothing but the clothes on their backs.
What about the undertaker?
Do you slip him the backhander?
- I do not, he does it as an act of charity.
- Are they into anything weird or kinky?
Like devil worship or docking?
- Docking?
What is this docking?
- Well, docking's where one fella sticks his old chap
into the.
It don't matter!
What's down there?
- Nothing.
Nothing is down there.
(sinister music)
- She comes in the night! - Aye, aye, aye!
- The angel of death! - Angel of what?
- But I'm ready for the scythe.
Look, Inspector, I made it easy for her! (mimicking choking)
- Very nice.
Better look for this angel, then, ain't I?
(suspenseful music)
- That guy over there.
- Oi, oi, Malloy.
Ricardo says you're good.
Says you've got in the bollocks.
(fist thudding)
- I'm what you need, pal.
I'll cut a fucker's nose as soon as look at it,
and then I mince it and then I scoff it
just for shits! (laughs)
- That's the chutney.
- All right, girls?
(tense music) (women yelling)
- Let's have a wonk at your Aprils, lass.
- I'm dead behind the eyes because I'm such a massive crim.
- If you're gonna be a Flower Girl, know this.
If I send you to get the crumble,
you bring me all the crumble. (speaks in foreign language)
- Totally.
And by crumble, do you mean money?
(women laughing)
- I like you.
Let's hope, for the sake of your pretty pumpkin,
it stays that way.
(Mabel chuckles)
- [Strauss] So, what's the racket then lads?
What we shifting, shooters, horses?
- No, no, no.
Bodies.
- Bodies?
- It's nasty work, body-snatching.
Rats eating faces while maggots eat the rats.
Have you got the guts to steal human guts?
- When do I start?
- Soon, girl.
Very soon!
(all laughing)
(dramatic music)
(door clunking)
- What are you doing, Inspector?
- I'm waiting for the angel of death.
And when I find her, I'll cuff the bastard.
- You'll wait snugger with a blanket over your knees.
We don't want you to catch a chill.
- Leave it out, I know what you're doing!
You're making me one of them, old.
And I'm not old, I'm young.
And I'm full of spunk and beans.
- Oh, Mr Rabbit,
I think you're nearer the end than the beginning.
- Fuck this!
(upbeat rhythmic music)
- Well, that was easy as you like!
Cheeky little grave-rob, get in!
Hold up, hold up, hold up!
Let's eye the goods.
Doctor's give us a bonus for a nice fresh one.
- Potatoes?
Po-bleeding-tatoes?
Po-fucking-ta-fucking-toes?
- Someone sneaked in and took our body
when we were on our digging break!
- That's moonlight robbery!
State of that!
- I smell Flower Girls!
They must be close.
Right, find them, lads!
Find them!
(coffin clatters)
- [Strauss] Come on then.
Come on, let's have it!
- Quiet, girls.
And careful with the stiff.
We're body snatchers, not body scratchers!
(women laughing)
- [Mabel] Shouldn't this have a left arm?
- Shit!
It must've come off by the grave!
- I'll get it.
- Ricardo was right!
You've got big balls for a girl.
(women chuckling)
(tense music)
- [Mabel] Ah!
(arm squelches)
Ugh.
- Oi!
(dramatic music)
(whistle shrilling)
- Police, I say!
Who goes there?
What's it to you, copper?
You're coming down the cells, you bounder!
Ah, shove it up yer arse, pig!
(fist thudding) Oh!
(Strauss grunting)
(gentle upbeat music)
And then Ernie said,
"Well done, me old son, you battered that plod
"like an haddock!
"You just got up, you're a Stepney Boy now!"
- And I got my flower and my very own gang name.
I'm Marigold.
- I'm very happy for you both, I really am.
- Well, we must dash.
Ooh, Gwen!
If I ever need to bring the boys here, I'm called Knuckles.
- Knuckles, got it.
- I don't think I'll bring my lot here.
They like classy places.
Sorry, that came out wrong.
- Toodaloo!
- You've been glued to that chair all day, Rabbit.
Ain't you meant to be up at Witch Hazel?
- I can't go back, Gwen.
There's one killer no cop can catch and that's time.
And time's coming for me,
(tense music)
like poison ivy growing up my weasel.
- Get back up there.
Solve the case.
Maybe one day I'll end up in a place like that.
- Gwen, as long as there is a hole in my arse,
I promise you, you will never end your days
in a haunted armpit like that.
I'll strangle you first.
(gentle upbeat music)
- You're a good friend to me, Rabbit.
(intense music)
(doors clunking)
I'm back!
And I want some answers!
The angel of death?
(suspenseful music)
(object thudding) (Rabbit grunts)
(Rabbit clatters)
- You've had a fall, Inspector.
But I'll look after you.
Just rest now.
- (groans) My head's throbbing!
- As a special treat,
why don't you have your bedtime cocoa early?
Drink your cocoa, Inspector.
- [Rabbit] No.
- [Miss McKenrick] Drink your cocoa.
- Drink it!
- Arse, arse! (gang laughing)
You know what I'm saying.
- Only the best for Knuckles.
- Cheers, Gwen!
- Anything else, just ask, Knuckles.
I hope you enjoy them, Knuckles.
I know your name's Knuckles, Knuckles.
- The Flower Girls have crossed a line.
Grave-robbers don't rob grave-robbers.
It's a sin with grave consequences.
- Literally. (chuckles)
We're gonna settle this with a fight.
Two in the ring, one leaves.
Winner gets the body-snatching racket
for the whole of the East End.
- I'll put a pony on us.
Who's our fighter?
- It's gotta be you, Knuckles.
Apparently, they're sending in their new girl.
Kills for fun, they say!
Drink up your fighting juice, boy!
It goes down tonight.
- Tonight?
Tonight doesn't work for me, chief.
- Yes, it does!
(tense music)
(tankard thudding) (drink sploshing)
- Yeah! (laughs)
Yeah.
Yes, I'm so excited!
(Strauss yelling)
(laughs) I love fighting!
Just gonna make this table a bit thirsty!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! (chuckles)
(Strauss coughing)
All right, let's be having it.
- Come on then, boys.
Let's go, come on! (furniture clattering)
Get in there.
Come on. - Sorry about the mess, love.
I really do apologize.
(tense music)
- You look so peaceful, Inspector.
- If you love caring for people so much,
why do you kill 'em?
- I don't, I wish they didn't keep dying.
It's so sad.
I'll get you a nice tartan flannel.
Try to keep breathing till then!
(tense music)
- Whoa!
What do you want?
- Feeling dozy, Mr. Rabbit?
- Yeah. - Cocoa does that.
Especially after I've slipped a glug of this in it.
(suspenseful music)
Like Miss McKenrick says,
I help a little! (laughs)
(all yelling) (dramatic music)
- [Man] Come on!
(both growling)
- This is not so cushty!
- And we can't keep staring at each other.
- But we must, for as long as we can.
- When the bell rings, fight!
- And if you don't fight, we'll kill you both!
(all yelling)
- We might have to make this look real.
Which finger do you like least?
- I mean, they're all nice!
- Oh my God. (yelling)
- I've sussed you out.
She keeps bringing new people in, younger people,
and you wanna stay the baby.
- Do you know how it feels to be old, Inspector?
Old and invisible?
- Yeah, tell me about it!
Was it you that coshed me?
- You won't live to tell no-one.
- Did you kill the others?
- Helped them on their way!
- That'll do! (handcuffs clanking)
(upbeat music)
I didn't drink from the mug, 'cause I ain't no mug.
- And how are we all?
- I'm fine, but she's a murderer.
- Oh, that's a wee shame!
(door clunks)
- And you're not a murderer, but you're odd.
- [Boy] Inspector Rabbit!
- Okay, now, I've gotta go,
but get coppers and loads of 'em.
And one to nick madam here.
(bell dings)
- Fight!
- Come on, then! - You come on!
- Okay, I'm gonna take your earlobe.
My count is a win.
Remember to scream.
- I don't think I'll forget!
(both yelling)
(all laughing)
- What, what?
What? - How funny is this?
- Watching two coppers have a melt-up?
- Coppers? (chuckles)
You having a bubble?
- We know who you are!
The Stepney Boys and the Flower Girls ain't at war!
We teamed up, secretly like,
and some in the crews didn't like us getting together.
- So we put 'em in the ground.
- And then we dug 'em straight up and sold 'em.
- Hang on, but why bother to bury the.
Do you know what?
This isn't the time to investigate.
- When we both got a recruit on the same day,
we asked Ricardo a couple of questions.
- [Woman] Didn't we, Ricardo?
(tense music)
- No!
Please!
(gun blasts) (all cheering)
- Oh, a snoggy kill!
That's a first.
- We're next, mate.
- We've got one hope.
It's not a very big one, but.
When I was told about the fight,
I pretended to have a panic attack.
- Pretended! - Yes, pretended! (groans)
But all the time,
I was scratching something under the table.
Perhaps Gwendoline found my message.
Perhaps she found a way to tell Rabbit.
We have to pray!
- Who gets it next?
- You choose.
- Stop! - No you.
- Drop it! (choking)
(both laughing)
Give us a sec to get me breath back.
- You didn't bring backup?
- No, I thought the kid would.
- Just you, then, old-timer?
- If one more clever dick calls me an old-timer!
Go on, then, shoot me.
'Cause you know you haven't got the guts
to fight me man-to-man.
- Woo! (all chuckling)
- Strauss, give me your scarf.
Yeah, I read the bumf.
"How to challenge a Stepney Boy."
You knot the scarf.
It's like the fucking Scouts, innit?
And then whack him in the face like this.
Or bit like that.
Or how about that?
Come on, then, big boy.
(fist thudding) (all yelling)
- [Man] Hit him!
- [Rabbit] Is that all you've got, is it?
- I'll tear you apart.
(fist thudding) (dramatic music)
(crowd yelling)
(Woman laughing)
- What's up, son?
You doing a dance for us, are ya?
- What have you done to him?
- I'm all right, girl.
- Put a drop of poison on the scarf.
Won't kill him but it'll fuck him up.
(fist thudding)
Old-timers can still mix it up.
Who else wants some? (whistle blaring)
- We're arresting you for the crime of snoggy-kill.
- Yeah, plus digging up all those dead dudes.
Come on then!
Go.
(books thudding)
- No more deaths at the old folks' home.
Apart from those that died, death.
- And two gang leaders nicked
for the murder of Ricardo Dominguez.
- Excellent work.
Oh, this is for you.
A police badge?
Am I? - Orders from on high.
Said to make you a sergeant.
Absolute madness, if you ask me.
That said, congratulations, I'm bloody proud of you.
- Splendid! - Well done, girl.
I'm gonna enjoy this moment!
Take it in!
- When do I get a shooter?
- Bloody 'ell!
After two months' of firearms training!
Where's that bloody form? (drawer rattling)
Who's been in my bloody drawers?
It was here last week.
Oh, here we are.
Right, hand this to the front desk.
They'll get you booked in. - Yes, Dad.
Thanks, Dad. - Well!
This calls for a drink!
Any of you whelks going down the rub-a-dub
for a snifter? (chuckles)
- Maybe, if you promise never to talk like that again.
- I went so far undercover,
I hardly know where I end and Knuckles begins.
- I'll come in a bit.
I've got some people to tell.
(upbeat music)
- It's been a good week.
An extra penny an hour for the girls at the shoe factory,
and the tea ladies have secured their first coffee break.
They need to make the coffee themselves, but it's a step.
Best of all, we have with us
London's first female police officer.
To Mabel Wisbech.
- Oh!
(Lydia clapping)
Right, I'm gonna get on the chair!
I'm gonna get on the chair!
I'm gonna get on the chair.
(Mabel sighs)
I love you lot.
Women coming together from different worlds!
You're a scientist, you're a hooker.
- I'm an artist.
- Course you are, of course you are.
And I'm proof that we can move up in the world
based on our merit.
I mean, there's no glass ceiling any more
because I smashed the fuck out of it!
I'm gonna go for a piss, but when I come back
I am gonna give you my seven life lessons.
There were five but I came up with another two
because I am on fire!
- (clapping) Bravo.
♪ Ladies ♪
♪ Ladies, ladies, ladies ♪
♪ Doing things for the ladies ♪
♪ Ladies, ladies, ladies ♪
- Doesn't she realize it was us that made her a policewoman?
We can't use her, she isn't ready.
(gentle purposeful music)
- She will be.
Soon.
(upbeat music)