- Good news, everyone, I have arrested a sniper,
one Flora Wilson.
- Do you know her?
(Moaning)
- No, no.
- I know a lot of wrongin's
- I do hope she's not the love of your life
because I hear they're going to hang her.
- There's going to be an inquiry.
- After what you did to Mr. Larkum
(Screaming)
- I barely touched him.
- Mr. Larkum, everyone needs a friend in the station.
I could be such a friend.
- I love you a lot.
- But let us know a little bit about
how your station works.
Police reform is high on our list.
- Definitely.
- There she is.
Flora, is it?
- Pig shit is it?
- I prefer Inspector Rabbitt.
Now, before you swing like a chimp's ballsack,
I want a list of everyone you've done in.
You better fuck off, mate.
What you don't see in all that.
I'm gonna get you out of here.
- You can't, it's too late for me, Rabbit.
- How many of you killed?
Tomorrow at eleven they're going to take you to pen
Where you're going to hang at noon,
but I'll be waiting, wearing a hood,
to cosh the guards and crack open a van.
- I'm saying nothing, pig, they all deserved it!
A cop doing over a prison van,
they'll hang us both.
- Only if they catch us.
- You really gonna bust me out on your own?
- Yeah! Because I love you and always will!
- You shouted that.
- Shit, is what your victims said.
- Good recovery.
- Not bad, aye?
(Moaning)
(Farting)
(Dramatic, upbeat music)
- Tanner's report goes up
goes up to the assistant commissioner today.
- I won't do nothing.
- They need bastards like me.
- The scum do need taking out.
What if it doesn't go your way?
- Then I'm toast.
- I for one would jolly done miss you sir
- You're a good boy, but I've got bigger things
on my mind.
- Such as?
- Look, I might need to nip off later.
- When?
- About six minutes past eleven.
- Are you hiding something from me again?
What did we agree about that?
- Help! He's got the girls!
- Who has?
- He shot Big Sam!
- Okay!
- [Tilly] He ran into the match factory on Lyme Street
and there was shouting and then shooting!
(Screaming)
- See!
- [Tilly] And then he said
"I've got poison gas I'll kill the
fucking all of ya!"
He's gonna kill them all!
(frantic drumming)
- That's the thing about Rabbitt,
he punches first and then forgets what the question was.
- And would you say the Inspector is under
particular pressure at the moment?
- Lydia, why do you give a dog's dangle about Rabbit?
He's a high functioning fried breakfast
who's afraid of the countryside and
can't spell the word "Wednesday."
Why does a women's organization need to know this stuff?
- Mabel, do you remember how you felt
when you were made a real policewoman?
- Yeah, it was like an orgasm,
if women had those.
- Well you're still the only one.
It's a very precarious position.
You need to keep your friends on side, don't you?
So, tell me more about Rabbitt.
How's he coping?
- Well, alright, okay so,
the thing is about Rabbit is
he doesn't have his own teeth.
- [Running Man] He's got a gun!
(Screaming) (frantic drumming)
- He's up there!
You're worrying me he got out!
I left my tin lunchbox up there!
It's got a kitten on the front of it,
my mum will kill me if I lose it!
- What's your name?
- Tilly
- We'll get your mates out of there Tilly don't you worry.
Sergeant Strauss, can you lead the hunt for
the missing lunchbox?
- It shall be found, ma'am.
- Right, let's get this over with quick.
I need a clean head shot.
I should've had a drink.
- Sir! Stop. He's holding a lever.
If he lets go that will release the poison gas.
- Dead man switch. Bugger!
(Screaming)
- Hetty's in there, she's eight months with child!
I've got to save her!
- No you don't. You take this,
go and get yourself a cup of tea from the market,
by the time you get back, this will all be sorted.
- I like coffee, coffee's tuppence.
- Go on.
- I've seen some of the girls have a biscuit with it.
- Aw you're kidding! Run!
- Excuse me, we do need to clear the area,
is that work very important?
- Yeah.
- Inspector we've got a problem here.
- What is it?
- Electricity.
- Doesn't exist. Tell him to bugger off.
(light drumming)
- Murdering lady hangs at noon!
Expect her to swing like the balls of a chimp!
- Siege at the match factory, Rabbitt is down there.
- As police or perpetrator?
- Police I think.
- Always worth checking.
Well, off I fucking go!
- He should shit or get off the pot.
- For once Trevor, you speak the bloody truth!
- So, which way is this gonna go Tanner?
- Hm. Our way.
- Or is the report on our friend Rabbit
going straight into the round filing cabinet?
That's a clever way of saying "bin" that I invented.
- I'm confident they'll stick him to the wall, sir.
I included every last misdeed that bastard
has ever committed.
Ah, here we go.
Fuck!
- By order of the assistant commissioner,
for violent conduct, Inspector Rabbit will
give up his truncheon for one week.
- (whispers) I should have guessed
- Rabbitt always was his favorite little pet.
The question now Turner is,
what are you going to do about it?
- Excuse me, police coming through, thank you!
I can't believe you're having an armed siege without me.
- It wasn't in the diary, more of a spontaneous thing.
- Stop crying! If you don't shut up
I'll start shooting, I will!
(women scream)
- Right, this needs finishing quicker
than a vicker's wank.
- Oy! I'm Inspector Rabbit,
now you need to comeh down so we can
sort this bollocks out.
What are your demands?
- I'm not telling ya!
- You what?
- What are your demands?
- What are my demands?
I don't know you throw your gun out the window and
let the girls out the front door.
- They won't stop sniffling
- If I'm honest, there's no point in killing them,
most of those girls will be dead by the end
of the year of phosphorous poisoning.
Personally, I blame the managers.
- Really? I've got a manager in here.
- Have you?
(gunshot)
Oh god.
- I did him! Like you told me to!
- I didn't exactly but, I got your attention
which is good.
Now, do you reckon we can wrap this up
in the next ten or fifteen
because I really got to be somewhere.
- You're trying to confuse me, shut up!
Just shut up or I'll shoot your cock off into the air!
- Alright that stopped the shout.
- It certainly did. I'd have a hell of a job
finding another.
- Fine, let's have a little ride across town, shall we?
Why not? I like to ride.
- Message for Sergeant Strauss.
- Ooh thank you. Here you go.
- What is it?
- It's nothing.
- Oh no.
- Why'd you kiss it?
- I didn't.
- He's in love again.
- Some people never learn.
- It isn't that, alright it is that.
I finally met someone and she's tender and gentle
- And a serial killer
- Quite a history to her
- We all have our type
- I know I've been unlucky in love,
but this time it's for real.
- Wow, would love to meet her.
- Yeah, during visiting hours.
- Alright then, what's he up to?
- I don't know he hasn't said.
- Bloody inconsiderate
If he won't say what he wants how can I
tell him he can't have it?
- Look Gov, I can't stay for long.
- You'll stay until this it's bloody sorted!
And I want it sorted now.
- Well that's good then.
- I'm gonna throw a cordon around the cordon.
you can never have enough cordons,
Despite what people say.
(light drumming)
- No, don't touch it, it might be poisoned.
- Leave this to me, I studied toxicology at college.
Now, this paper tells us the pH.
This tests for thallium,
all I have to do
- It's fine.
- What does it say?
- Great news! Here at Fromond and Jones matches,
only seven girls fell into a prosperous coma last year
thanks to our
- No, turn it over.
- "Please help us, uh, Hetty not looking well.
Tell our mums we love them," and then,
there's a picture.
- It's a spider in a tree
- Now this could be a clue.
The hostage taker's name is Mr SpiderTree.
- Nobody's called Mr Spider Tree
- Then Mr Tree Spider?
Or? Mr Plant Creepy Crawly?
Or? His name's Plant Creepy and he lives in Crawly.
- It's a hand, and it's a tattoo.
So we need to find whoever has this tattoo.
- But he could still live in Crawly.
- Well who would know? Every tattooed lowlife
in the East End.
- Oh no.
- Oh yes, Strauss.
Go and get John Marick. Otherwise known by many,
as the Elephant Man.
- [Tanner] Assistant Commissioner I see you haven't
followed up on my recommendations
vis-a-vis Inspector Rabbitt and
I am a bit disappointed I won't lie to you.
- My decision is final.
- What if I were to bribe you?
- You clearly know nothing about me
- Well then let's get to know each other, shall we?
I'll start, in the Sudan, this young bugler
couldn't get his boot off, asked if I could help him.
"Alright," I said, I gave it a yank,
it was jammed hard, and blow me down if his whole
bleeding leg didn't come off into my hand along with his
trousers and his tunic.
You see the rot hadn't only spread up his leg,
it had gone all the way up to his neck.
After a brief chat, I picked up an
ammunition box and dropped it on his head.
A kindness. I actually had to do it twice because
I half missed the first time but the point is,
you now know how kind I can be.
How kind can you be?
- If there were a bribe, it would have to be a
very big one.
- Well for that I would have to have a very, very
rich friend.
(battle drumming)
- Morning Joe!
- Oh I bloody hate mornings,
never freak before three, that's my motto
but your boy was insistent.
- I was polite but thoughtful.
- Ooh, are you now?
- I want you to have a look at this.
We reckon the bloke up there has this tattoo,
but we don't know his name.
- Give me back my money you shit!
- [Criminal] No, no, no! Anyone but him!
- 100 bloody Guinness you owe me you bastard thief!
- You keep him away or I'll kill everyone!
(screaming)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa you know him then?
- Patrick Lavant, he auditioned for my show.
So I said, "will you get covered in tattoos?
You could be an incredible tattooed man!"
"Yes," says he so I gave him some money.
After just one tattoo he's mewling like a baby.
"Oh it hurts! Oh they used a dirty needle!
I have six forms of hepatitis!"
Well we all make sacrifices, love!
- Then what happened?
- He ran away with the rest of the tattoo money.
Well I found you now you fleeter!
- You get back!
- Not until I get my wage, son!
- Mr. Marrick, he's holding a large tube of poison gas
- Hey I couldn't give a cat his knackers. Oh, wait,
yeah I could get good money for that down
at the market
- No, no, no, no!
- The canister please, Lavant.
- You're mad!
- Technically it belongs to me, and your gun,
and the bullets. In fact, give me all the bullets,
from your gun immediately.
- [Rabbitt] Oh shit!
(screaming)
- Not like that you thick puffin!
- Come on Mr. Merrick, it's for your own,
well, mainly other people's good.
- Hey now paws off. This is tailored you know.
The Elephant never buys off the pen!
- Right, a nine layer corden, personal best.
What's the news?
- We got a name, Gov. Patrick Lavant.
(bells chime)
11:00, I got to go.
- Now? Where?
- Nowhere.
- Whatever it is you need to do, can't I do it?
- No, no, no, no you need to stay where it's safe.
Here at the armed siege.
Gov, you take over.
- What? Bloody hell.
Mr. Lavant, my name is Chief Inspector Wisbech.
- Well, I only speak to Rabbit.
- It's the girl, Hetty, sir.
She's gone into labor.
- [Criminal] This is a trick, she stays here,
or I let go of this and everybody dies.
- You seem to be well in with all the nutters, Rabbitt,
I'll give you that. I'll get a nurse.
- Patrick, are we pals? Feels like we are.
Having a chat in the pub, one with a whiskey,
one with a switch that could gas an entire
room of young women. Patrick you need to let the
pregnant girl go.
- Nobody leaves..
- What if someone takes Hetty's place?
You'll have the same number of hostages and
you've lost nothing.
- Alright. But they come in unarmed.
- Inspector, I volunteer.
- Strauss you are turning into one fucking amazing corporal
- Thank you, sir.
- I will confess, that day when you walked in
I thought, "who the hell is this streaker pissing on"
- Yes, I knew that.
- And to be honest I've been thinking that ever since.
- I didn't know that.
- Listen, you've got what it takes, you have
the biggest pair of balls I've ever seen.
- God, that is probably the nicest thing that anyone
has every said to me! Here goes!
- That's called the slight of handcuff trick.
You ain't learn everything. The only way out of this is
to go further in.
Flora! I'll save ya! Patrick, I'm coming in!
- Open your coat.
Up the stairs, come on.
- Alright
- Flora? Do you mean Hetty?
(Hetty screaming)
- Ain't no tricks!
- [Rabbitt] No! No tricks Patrick, hello ladies.
I'm guessing you're Hetty. Well, I'm your replacement so
off you go
- Oh! Thank you! What are you called I'll name
the baby after you.
- My name is Rabbit.
- Oh, fuck that. Well thanks is all the same.
- Right.
- [Patrick] Come on, easy.
- [Rabbit] Calm down.
- Pop yourself there.
- Okay.
(clock ticks)
- What happened there?
- Oh, the dog chewed it off last Christmas Eve.
I got a question, what sort of poison gas, this is
a match factory. Everything's flammable.
One spark and this place will go up like
fucking Guy Fawkes Night.
(girls scream)
Sorry girls.
- Shut up!
- Well if you ain't gonna say something
at least give me something to read.
- Take that and shut up.
- Where's Rabbit?
- Swapped himself for a hostage, it's the bravest
thing I ever saw, Mabel!
- Alright love! This way, this way!
What, is it your first?
- No, third
- Oh you've been busy you don't look more
than twenty three.
- Oh, I'm seventeen!
- I'm not judging, I'm not judging.
- How can we help him?
- Um, uh, hang on, where's the note?
- Oh yes, my dearest Wilbur, my heart..
- No the note from the match girls.
- Oh yeah.
- Uh, "only seven girls fell into a phosphorus
coma last year thanks to our patented airflow system."
(suspenseful music)
- Why don't you have any demands?
- Stop talking to me
- And what did you do with Elephant Man's money?
- I can't remember
- There's a shiny patch on your waistcoat where
your watch was, I reckon you sold it, and your
paper is on the racing results.
- You need to shut your mouth.
- Do I now? You fancy a wager, Patrick?
Ten shillings says you can't hold that lever for
another twenty minutes.
- Stop it.
- Alright, make it fifteen. Or a quid. Or let's make it
really interesting, how about a fiver?
- No!
- Because you like a gamble don't you, Patrick?
You like a flutter, probably a bit too much.
You got family, and kids.
Is that a yes I've got kids?
Or no they were wiped out and if you mention
them again I'll blow your bleeding head off?
- Yes, I've got kids.
- I think you've got a story to tell,
don't you, Patrick?
You just need someone to tell it to.
Maybe I'm your man.
(dramatic music surges)
- Come on, Rabbit.
I believe in you, Rabbitt, you stupid bloody bastard.
Rabbit!
- Now I'm not emotionally literate but I would say
that you're on the edge.
- I told you to stop talking.
- Most villains, they'd be loving this power,
but you aren't.
Which makes me think that you ain't one.
- Yeah, well, you don't know me, do ya?
- I know that you're a gambling man who's in the shit.
There's something else isn't it?
Someone's got to you, someone's pulling your strings, boy.
- Shut up!
- And it's driving you potty. Who are they?
- I'm gonna blow your head off.
- Well then I'd ask you for my neck hole. Who are they?
- I didn't want to do any of this, ya know?
None of it. Just I owe money, a shit load.
And not just to Merrick, worse people, and those people
said that I'm roofing the kids.
But then they came to me. They
- No, no, no, mate, look at me. Who are they?
- I don't know. They just said they'd take away
the debts. Look after the family, but I had to do
something for them.
- Who's they, Patrick?
- I don't know they wouldn't let on!
- Well you must have met one of them?
- They said I shouldn't tell anyone, especially not you.
- You'd rather die then tell someone, aren't you?
- What a woman, elegant, like, she had a
cigarette case with a weird symbol and it was like
an eye with arrows coming out of it.
- Look what I found choir boy.
- [Rabbit] Bollocks.
- This symbol could be a clue.
- Doubt it.
- What about that secret society?
- Total bollocks. The secret society is Twollocks.
That's what Mabel's been banging on about!
Wait, she told you, not to tell me? Why me?
- She said "just keep him at the factory til noon,
I don't trust him so"
She said "don't let the girls go!"
Now you've tricked me!
- No! You tricked me you bastard! I should be out
there saving a girl I love from the gallows.
And instead, I'm in here with you, you lanky fuck.
- [Patrick] It's nearly twelve. After that, you can go.
- [Rabbitt] No! I can go right now.
- Rabbitt!
- I can't let you.
I'm so sorry.
(blast) (screaming)
- You're alive!
- That secret society?
- [Mabel] Yeah?
- It's real
- I know I told you!
- There's a mole! A mole!
- A mole?
- What's Rabbit's route to work?
- Past the ten bells, the white heart, and the
match factory.
- A mole. Please will you let Tilly know I will
recover her lunchbox.
- Who's Tilly?
- Young girl. Works with you. Escaped when he shot
Big Sam.
- Don't know any Tilly.
- Oh. Oh.
- Strauss. This might be a mad thought. You know
your lady friend? She's not called Lydia by any chance?
- Clementine
- Oh thank God for that.
- She gave me a photograph. Now, you can see part
of her shoulder. Please don't be shocked.
I finally met a good one, haven't I?
- No! Flora! No!
(whistle)
- Laugh, and the world laughs with you
Weep, and you weep alone. Another whiskey, Gwen.
- You've drunk it all.
- Well how about that dusty bowl.
- That dusty bowl has been on that shelf since 1790
when my grandad took over.
- Then you better bring it over.
- Forget it.
- [Tanner] Oh Rabbit, I thought I'd find you in here.
I bring big news from the station.
My God, look at the state of you.
- How's your eye?
- It appears the assistant commissioner has decided
to follow my recommendations after all.
He's fired you, Rabbit.
You ain't a copper no more.
- Now I think I'll press charges, they'll throw
you in jail with the scum you've put away.
Ooh! They'll have some fun with you in there.
- Well, if I ain't a copper no more, there's not
a lot stopping me from doing this.
- Get out of my pub. I ain't gonna say it nice twice.
- Piss off.
- Don't get the morbs, things will look better in the morning.
- They better look better.
They couldn't get much worse.
(mumbling and snoring)
What the shit?
(banging)
- [Policeman] Police! Coming in!