(dramatic music) (indistinct chattering)
- I speak for the working man.
For the common man.
The man who strives all his life
to provide for his family.
- I've seen this bloke before.
He's called Neil Formage.
He's got quite extreme views.
- Formage will strain every city.
- There are his supporters,
that's the protest
and that's the anti protest protest.
- Listen to him! (crowd shouting)
- The common man can't get...
- Sounds like run of the mill stuff.
What's the issue?
- I'll tell you why, immigrants!
- Oh dear Lord.
- They infest this city, they do!
- Could be rats, could be fleas.
My money's on cancer.
- Like a cancer!
- Ah, there he goes.
- You'll watch these quiet ones.
Lapping up every word this tit says.
If anyone's gonna kick off, it will be them.
- And if they take over,
you can be sure of one thing.
- Far better restaurants?
- Blood!
Blood!
(crowd shouting)
- Oh no, there's something wrong with him.
- Fucking right there is.
(crowd gasping)
- Blood.
(crowd shouting)
- Get down.
We've all seen a dead racist.
(upbeat theme music)
- Ah Rabbit, my report into your alleged brutality.
I thought I must get a statement from you
so you can put your side of things.
- All right well--
- But then I thought fuck that!
I know what you did.
I know all about you
because we go back a long way, don't we?
And I intend to use everything.
- Everything?
Everything you know.
Everything. - Most things.
- Oh, most things.
- Some things, things, anyway.
A big, fat, juicy file full of things that you've done.
I might bring it out into a volume,
like a novel.
Except not boring.
I'll just follow the facts.
Oh, and then things, what look slightly like facts.
But might not be.
Get out of my way!
- So, we have ourselves a sniper.
And the booger's good at it.
We thought it a political lunatic
until we looked at these.
Two of the snipings last week.
Lawyer in Farrington, church warden in Bold.
- Same make of bullets?
- .303 Lakefield, hollow point.
- Oh gold.
- Is that our only clue?
- It was the only clue until we got this.
- Well read it then.
- Dear Police, I killed three time.
It were nice games.
- Is it just me who finds crimes against grammar
almost as bad as crimes against Londoners?
- [Man] Maybe. - [Woman] Yeah.
- I am scarred on my left foot,
which only I know about.
And that proves it.
- Criminal mastermind at work there.
- Who knows what I will do next
but you can bet it will be B.O.
Bloody horrendous.
- Ouch.
- Yours, Trigger Tom.
- Sounds to me like someone needs to shit
or get off the pot.
- We'll catch the bastard.
- I'm putting Rex and Keith Carnival on this one.
They know ballistics.
I've got another job for you three.
- [Rabbit] Who's that clown?
- Prince Hector of Bulgaria.
He's in town for Balkan peace talks.
- I'm not in luck,
I know what a Balkan is.
- He's a big noise.
And while he's here, you're his protection.
- I ain't doing that.
I ain't no babysitter.
You can ask any baby.
Plus, look at this count stash.
- You'll do what I bloody tell you!
After what you did to Mr. Larkham.
- I barely touched him.
Ah! (loud thudding)
All right, I might have touched him a bit.
- You just keep that prince safe.
Or we're all for the drop.
(upbeat music)
- My bodyguards.
- That's right, mate.
- Three officers to guard me?
Take the day off, all of you.
There is no danger.
For I am very popular.
In my country there is a word for me.
Kickbobba.
It means sexy man who gives out carrots for Christmas.
- If you step out of this carriage
without our protection,
you'll be picking your own brains off the cobbles.
- There's a sniper about.
A really bloody good one.
Great action.
- Gosh, it's Mable Wisbech, isn't it?
London's first police lady.
Au chante.
- Oh well!
- I support women's rights
and those of animals.
I believe you both have a function.
- Thanks.
- As for that cartoon.
- What cartoon?
- No cartoon in the stray magazine.
- The radio flyer ship from Paris.
Here, these bank robbers are getting away
because they have released a mouse
and you are standing on the chair in fright.
- Yeah well, it's one cartoon, whatever.
Don't care.
- Quite right, ignore it
and the many others.
Now, where are we heading?
- Oh, straight into your hotel.
You must rest before the big round
of peace talks tomorrow.
- Sounds boring, boy, am I right?
Tonight I wish to see the real London.
- Not a bloody chance.
- I would love to see a real cockney.
I've only seen them in captivity in Australia.
Come!
(upbeat music)
(loud belching)
This is great!
It stinks like shit and the people are very ugly.
You're whiskey is piss.
Worst I ever tasted.
- Listen pal, if you don't like it you can--
- I joke!
I love it!
Here, have money!
- I don't mind if I do.
- Dance for me and keep the whiskey coming.
- [Rabbit] You need to pipe down me old chief.
- I think you need to pipe down, my old chief.
Now, let us paint the town red like my balls.
- We're much safer in here, your Lord High Excellency.
- And sure, half of these lot are killers
but we know the so they're our killers.
- But I wish to climb Big Ben.
Can you see it from here?
I look!
(group groaning)
Oh those sorry wretches.
- You should come away from the window.
- I will tell them about screwing duchesses.
And how invigorating it can be.
Ah duchesses.
(loud banging)
- Get down!
(shouting)
- Jesus!
Two men shot with the same bullet.
You're right, he is bloody good.
- Strauss, get a doctor for these two.
You, watch the door. (ladies screaming)
- How dare you kill two of my men
without my permission, you cowards!
- Oy, Mr. Majestic.
I fucking told you.
Now get down!
- You sorry local,
you too shall taste Bulgairan steel.
(metal clanging)
(gun firing)
(glass shattering)
(guns firing)
- I'm a what?
- I'm trying to save you, you dickhead.
(guns firing)
(glass shattering)
(smoke hissing)
(gurgling)
(mysterious music)
- [Man] You've lost the crown prince.
- Well it does sound bad when you say it like that.
- We dug out the bullet from the equerry.
.303 Lakefield, hollow point.
- Trigger Tom, gotta be.
- Well Trigger Tom could have killed me, but he didn't.
That's not important, forget that.
- If the prince dies the home office will come at us
like a rhino with a wasp up its ass.
- It's rather worse than that, I'm afraid.
The talks are being held because the Balkans
are a powder keg.
If the prince dies, Bulgaria will blame Serbia
and that means war.
That'll draw in Russia, Austria, Germany, France
and Britain.
In this mechanized clash of empires
millions of our young, our finest,
will die by fire with their young, taut skin
burnt to a cinder like a mother Sunday roast.
- He's a jolly fucker, isn't he?
(phone ringing)
- What in God's house is that?
- Telephone.
Just had it put in.
Hello?
- [Caller] Put Rabbit on.
- They wanna talk to you.
Get around here.
Quick!
- What do I do?
- Put that by your ear and speak in there.
- Hello, this is Inspector Rabbit.
Talking on the stick.
- [Caller] Hello Rabbit, this is Trigger Tom.
I have your price.
- Ah, I'm listening.
- [Caller] He's alive for now.
- I think he's on the other side of the wall.
- How do you know?
- Well, 'cause that's where the wire goes.
- That's not how it works!
- [Caller] Trigger Tom will call you
again with instructions.
Don't try to find me, you filthy pig.
(dial tone buzzing) - Whoa.
- What's he saying?
- He's going ahhhh.
He keeps doing it.
I think he's ill.
- [Man and Woman] He's hung up.
- All right. (upbeat music)
- Don't try to find me, indeed.
- He doesn't know us, does he?
- Better do what he says.
You two stay by the trombone.
- [Man And Woman] Telephone.
- Where are you going?
You wouldn't follow a lead without telling me, would you?
- I'm going nowhere.
- Thank goodness.
- But I got to get there bloody sharpest.
- It's not like him to shoot off
and do business behind my back.
Do you think he's going off me?
- They'll be an explanation.
- Had enough of that at prep school.
- Take one of these please, mate.
Better not be cat meat.
(indistinct chatter)
What do you want, Rabbit?
- We made a deal, Flora.
You stay of London and I'll stay out of your way.
- Not much work for a hit woman in Milton.
Only comments me clients working breakfast.
- You still using Lakefield .303's?
- So what if I am?
Want some pie?
- Ain't in the mood for pie.
- You're always in the mood for pie.
- Not many snipers as good as you.
- Not since the shot woman, no.
- Where's the prince you kidnapped?
And who was that bloke on the talky talky stick?
Is that your new fellow?
- I hate kidnaps.
Gotta feed them, empty their turd bucket,
they fall in love with you.
It's too much work.
What you really here for, Rabbit?
Fancy a knee trembler, did you?
- No, millions of lives at stake.
There's no time for any of that.
(loud moaning)
No, no!
I'm letting the dog out.
(dog whimpering)
(shouting)
- Fucking hell.
That's an adventure.
- How can I be useless and a threat to men
at the same time.
It makes no sense.
- The future lies with us, Mable.
Not with old men and their dated bluff and bluster.
How does that feel?
- Like it's gonna slice my tit off.
Is that a thing?
- No, your tit is quite safe.
Right, now let go.
- I've done it before.
Oh my God, I'm Robin Fucking Hood!
(giggling)
- The papers are being ghastly about you.
They're saying you're too emotional.
- Yeah, then I have to not get emotional about that.
- Oh don't worry.
I'll mobilize the ladies.
I don't say this lightly
but I foresee a letter writing campaign.
- You would do that?
For me?
I owe you a drink at my local.
It is quite dirty
but I've got a lovely towel you can sit on.
- You know what you could do for us?
You could let us know a little bit about
how your station works.
Police reform is high on our list.
- Oh defintely.
Yeah, you were lucky.
That was lucky.
(mysterious music)
- Tell the others there is more cartoons in St. Peters.
It's working.
The labs say the prototype is nearly ready.
- Well that is good news.
Well, off you fuck.
- That Tanners been everywhere
asking questions about you.
- Tanner, he's just a bellend with a sore head.
What I wanna know is
if you ain't the sniper, who is?
- That's consultation.
That'll cost you.
- Oh?
- That geezer shot in front of you.
Where was that?
- It was there.
Where would you pick a spot for that?
- I'd have my nest here.
- We'll that's a gambling den now.
That'd be too busy.
- All right, what about here?
Or there?
(rumbling music)
- Now!
(grunting) (upbeat music)
They must be shooting
from the rooftops
there are witnesses on ground level.
- Makes sense.
You could pick up all these targets from this
warehouse at the...
(shouting)
- Me jammed heart stopped.
(grunting)
So that must be the sniper's lair.
- You better get out there, boy.
- Millions of lives.
No time to lose.
- Or we could go for the hat trick.
- I reckon that's optimistic.
(upbeat theme music)
- Come on fellows, let's catch this sniper.
This bloke is the donkey's winkle.
So you'll need eyes up your assholes.
- Inspector, I don't like you keeping things from me.
- I know.
Look out, someone order some quality street?
- Princess Uletha of Bulgaria.
- Which one is Rabbit?
- This one.
(gasping)
- You lost my precious brother!
He did so much for commoners like you
and yet you didn't even lay down your tiny,
untitled life for him!
Jesus, what happened to his eyebrow?
- The dog chewed it off last year.
Your Highness.
We weren't expecting you just yet.
- I caught the early air ship from Paris.
Poor Hector, he let's people take the piss out of him.
I do not.
- Pleasant journey, I hope.
- Awful, I paid extra to have a private bathroom
only to find the Queen of Belgium
sat proudly upon my bidet douche wash.
- I hate when that happens.
- No shit, how you know the Queen of Belgium?
- I don't, it was just...
Nevermind.
- I demand that this haunted bastard meat
has no more involvement in the case.
- This is my station and Rabbit is my man, ma'am.
- Would you like me to take it up with Queen Victoria?
I know both her granddaughter and her great aunt.
- Rabbit, stand down.
- It's your decision, gov.
Did you just wink at me?
- No, why would I wink?
- I don't know.
You might have had a massive stroke.
Time of my life, stress of the job.
- I didn't wink at you.
- Yeah, you did.
I'll stay on the case.
- How dare you wink in my presence!
- I didn't wink.
- [Rabbit] Okay, say no more.
- Go away. - Okay.
(sneaky music)
Must be in here.
- A hunch for more information I'm not privy to.
- [Mabel] Let it go, Strauss.
- I can't tell you everything, sir.
- Fine, then don't expect me to tell you
you're about to tread on that trip wire.
Good boy.
- Shit.
I think someone's trying to make a point.
- Bravo.
- Over here.
- Damn, we're too late.
- Nine targets?
- Oh look and there's a note
which says, "I told you not to come, pig,"
and underneath it,
oh my God.
It's the prince's ear.
- Yeah, that's still warm.
- How do we know it's his?
- I don't know.
What do royal ears usually look like?
- Strauss, what do you think?
- I don't know, I've never seen a royal ear.
Ooh God.
That's very good inspector.
(laughing)
- Twigs in a bun.
Treat the kids.
Twigs in a bun.
- Map from the warehouse.
All the Trigger Tom shootings,
plus another five.
- His next targets?
- No, they're old ones.
A year back someone was pulled up
for gangland hits in these exact locations.
Flora Wilson.
But the evidence mysteriously vanished
and she was let off.
- No, you're pissing in the wind.
It's defintely not her.
- Do you know her?
- I know a lot of wrongins.
- Is that who you went to see?
- No.
- Oh my God.
You and her did the tick tocks.
- You need to watch it, girl.
- Rabbit, in here.
Trigger Tom wants you on the blower.
- What the fuck is a blower?
- It's cockney for telephone.
They've just announced it.
(upbeat music)
- Inspector Rabbit here.
- [Caller] You've been a naughty boy, Rabbit.
I told you not to look for me.
- You listen to me.
What are your demands?
What do you want?
You want me to kill Rabbit?
Easy, I can do it quickly from a high window,
slowly using a hammer, whatever man.
- [Caller] I want 100,000 pounds.
- If that's what it takes, yeah.
- [Caller] Rabbit--
- Hang on a minute,
that's a hell of a lot of money.
I was thinking more like six quid.
- [Caller] 100,000 pounds.
- A tenner?
- Oh shut up, Rabbit, you idiot.
100,000, no problemo,
my father will authorize it.
- [Caller] Rabbit brings the money alone.
Midnight, alone on the heath.
- I don't trust this shit wit.
I'll bring the money myself.
- [Caller] Tell her if she does that
I'll open her brother up like a fucking can of beans.
- He's not keen.
- [Caller] Bring the money alone
or the prince dies.
- Very well.
(dial tone buzzing)
Bye.
I don't know how to use this fucking thing.
(mysterious music)
- Flora is using the inspector
and he can't see it,
but who is the voice on the telephone?
Mable, I need your mind.
- I'm wasting my time.
They'll never see me as a proper cop.
- Of course you're a proper copper.
- That's not what they're saying behind my back.
I have to be 10 times better than the men
and it's still not enough.
- You're as good as all of them.
Better.
I say you're the best man we have.
Wait.
The best person.
- Thanks.
You're a mate.
Oh hey, look at this!
- Great, I'm removing these for your own good.
- No, no, no, no, no!
Look!
- More air ship disruption,
angry passengers call for re nationalization.
- All yesterdays air ships were canceled.
- So the princess...
- Was already in town.
- The first time we met her she had two equiries,
but when Trigger Tom telephoned...
- Inspector Rabbit here.
- There was only one.
(indistinct humming)
- Dad, where's the princess?
- Headache.
Went back to her hotel.
(upbeat music)
- [Man] Turn around, pig.
Drop the bag.
And your weapons.
All of them.
Hands on head.
- Where's the prince?
(grunting)
- That you naughty pig,
was for coming to find me when I told you not to.
And this is for all the villains you've
banged the door on.
- Well go on then, if you've got the bullocks.
- One momentski, please.
- Ah, your royal highness.
- Help!
Would you...
Activate your signaler?
- He means blow your whistle.
- I forget my words when I'm excited.
(shrill whistling)
- I am not only exceptional and beautiful.
I am also mistress of deceit.
I have been in London for weeks.
Surprise!
I kidnap my brother.
Do you get it, Trigger Tom?
It's two persons.
His voice and my rifle.
- Would you mind repeating that word for word?
Down the nick?
- Shut up Rabbit man, you're so boring.
He was going to inherit everything
and then waste our wealth on the poor.
He's a kind of idiot.
- Yeah.
- So I was going to lay a fast trail
with all this Trigger Tom bollocks,
I was going to take my father's money
and then let him go.
But then you and your sniper fuck buddy got involved
and now I can kill Hector
and you and her can take the blame.
Yes thank you, I will inherit all of Bulgaria.
- And you'll start a bleeding war.
- You know I have a saying in my country.
You cannot make an omelet
without squeezing the eggs out of the chicken's pussy.
- You just made that up.
- Yes.
Okay, I am happy now.
You can kill him.
(guns firing)
(groaning)
- Bloody Nora!
(upbeat music)
(gun firing)
- I see you, asshole!
(grunting)
You stink of shit!
- Run Flora, run!
I love you!
I didn't say that, run!
- Don't touch me, you pig.
- It was the princess!
- Yeah, well thanks for telling me now, you donut.
- Where's the fucking prince?
Where's the prince?
- Cup of tea, Your Highness.
I put in 20 sugars for health.
- Please, tell me you saved my ear.
- We did, and then I tried to freeze it
and then the dog found it.
And it's a funny story actually.
- I shall never come to this country again.
- Oh dad, can I interview the princess?
- She's been released.
Orders from up high.
Nosebleed high.
Don't think I'm happy about it.
- But she confessed, for God's sake.
- Good news everyone.
I arrested our sniper.
Caught him sneaking off the heath.
One Flora Wilson.
Known wrongin'.
Stroke lucky.
You didn't know her, did you Rabbit?
You haven't been having a particularly
filthy affair with her for a number of years, have you?
I do hope she's not the love of your life.
That would be an awful shame.
Because I hear they're going to hang her.
Around her neck.
Good.
(loud popping)
(laughing)
- And then my dad said, "You did good, Rabbit.
Upstairs will like you for this."
- Thank you, Mable.
- Yeah, I don't know how useful you'll find all of that.
- It all helps to paint a picture.
Thank you for coming.
Do come again.
- You bet!
(door creaking)
(mysterious music)
- Vodka tonic?
- I think we deserve one.
(upbeat theme music)