1 00:00:01,046 --> 00:00:03,047 - ♪♪ - _ 2 00:00:07,719 --> 00:00:10,987 Are you... sure this is okay? 3 00:00:10,989 --> 00:00:13,057 Should we be doing this? 4 00:00:13,059 --> 00:00:14,892 It's just Dave. 5 00:00:14,894 --> 00:00:17,395 Yeah. Okay. 6 00:00:17,397 --> 00:00:18,998 Do it. 7 00:00:31,189 --> 00:00:32,813 You can go under the bra. 8 00:00:32,815 --> 00:00:34,403 YOUNG DAVE (OVER PHONE): Elz, I felt them up 9 00:00:34,405 --> 00:00:37,111 at the exact same time. 10 00:00:37,113 --> 00:00:38,139 Oh, my God, 11 00:00:38,141 --> 00:00:39,940 the breast meat is the best kind of meat. 12 00:00:39,942 --> 00:00:41,842 It's amazing. It's so soft. 13 00:00:41,844 --> 00:00:43,413 It's just... it's awesome. 14 00:00:43,415 --> 00:00:45,915 - You felt them both up? - And then Kayla said... 15 00:00:45,917 --> 00:00:47,684 (ECHOING): Now we want to feel you up. 16 00:00:47,686 --> 00:00:49,723 YOUNG ELZ: There's no way you let them touch your dick. 17 00:00:49,725 --> 00:00:51,958 Actually, uh, uh... 18 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:54,397 I have AIDS. 19 00:00:55,364 --> 00:00:56,920 Wait. What?! 20 00:00:56,922 --> 00:00:59,300 CAROL: David, hang up the phone and come to our room right now. 21 00:00:59,302 --> 00:01:01,568 - Mom? - I've been listening the whole time! 22 00:01:01,570 --> 00:01:02,636 Right now! 23 00:01:02,638 --> 00:01:04,404 DON: They were doing what? 24 00:01:04,406 --> 00:01:07,907 He was in a threesome with Kayla Waters and Mallory Parker. 25 00:01:07,909 --> 00:01:10,236 DON: A-A threesome? You're having sex?! 26 00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:11,645 CAROL: Well, he felt them up. 27 00:01:11,647 --> 00:01:13,914 They're sitting around playing grab-ass every day. 28 00:01:13,916 --> 00:01:15,482 W-Wait a minute. What does that mean? 29 00:01:15,484 --> 00:01:16,984 He-he felt their breasts? 30 00:01:16,986 --> 00:01:18,818 Did they touch your penis? 31 00:01:18,820 --> 00:01:21,654 This friend group is way too fast for you, David. 32 00:01:21,656 --> 00:01:23,221 What does it even matter?! 33 00:01:23,223 --> 00:01:25,993 My dick is too messed up to show a girl anyways! 34 00:01:25,995 --> 00:01:27,994 What do you even mean by that, David? 35 00:01:27,996 --> 00:01:28,996 You... 36 00:01:28,998 --> 00:01:30,997 Like... from the surgeries? 37 00:01:30,999 --> 00:01:32,500 Yes! 38 00:01:32,502 --> 00:01:34,576 Oh. I didn't know 39 00:01:34,578 --> 00:01:37,321 this was still an issue for you, honey. 40 00:01:37,323 --> 00:01:39,200 I mean, beyond cosmetically, 41 00:01:39,202 --> 00:01:41,137 is there a functionality problem, 42 00:01:41,139 --> 00:01:43,776 - or is it... - Functionality is not the issue, Don. 43 00:01:43,778 --> 00:01:46,823 It's the scarring, the mislocated pee hole, 44 00:01:46,825 --> 00:01:48,172 the second pee hole. 45 00:01:48,174 --> 00:01:49,529 Well, the second pee hole, 46 00:01:49,531 --> 00:01:51,586 there's an easy fix to that, as I recall. 47 00:01:51,588 --> 00:01:52,952 There's another procedure. 48 00:01:52,954 --> 00:01:55,022 I'm not wearing a diaper for a year! 49 00:01:55,024 --> 00:01:57,624 He doesn't want to wear a diaper! He's fine 50 00:01:57,626 --> 00:02:00,101 just plugging up the second hole with his finger when he pees. 51 00:02:00,103 --> 00:02:02,152 - We already decided that, Don. - Okay. 52 00:02:02,154 --> 00:02:05,154 How can I ever use it with a girl? It's scarred. 53 00:02:05,156 --> 00:02:07,554 It leaks. It's small. It's... 54 00:02:07,556 --> 00:02:10,704 Well, size doesn't matter, sweetheart. 55 00:02:10,706 --> 00:02:13,474 That's a myth. Your father has a small penis. 56 00:02:13,476 --> 00:02:15,041 It's average. 57 00:02:15,043 --> 00:02:16,877 It is. 58 00:02:16,879 --> 00:02:18,381 In America. 59 00:02:19,881 --> 00:02:21,884 ♪♪ 60 00:02:26,956 --> 00:02:29,390 MIKE: I disagree. No. 61 00:02:29,392 --> 00:02:31,891 No, I-I told you, I loved A Star Is Born. 62 00:02:31,893 --> 00:02:33,893 I think it's a fantastic film. 63 00:02:33,895 --> 00:02:35,898 ♪♪ 64 00:02:40,903 --> 00:02:42,572 (DOOR CLOSES) 65 00:02:47,843 --> 00:02:49,478 (GROANS) 66 00:03:03,492 --> 00:03:05,024 (WOMAN ON VIDEO SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) 67 00:03:05,026 --> 00:03:07,427 WOMAN: Oh, you look so hard. 68 00:03:07,429 --> 00:03:08,862 Yeah. 69 00:03:08,864 --> 00:03:11,432 (WOMAN MOANING) 70 00:03:11,434 --> 00:03:14,100 (GRUNTING) 71 00:03:14,102 --> 00:03:17,205 (GRUNTING LOUDLY) 72 00:03:17,207 --> 00:03:18,775 (PANTING) 73 00:03:26,181 --> 00:03:28,184 (PANTING) 74 00:03:39,060 --> 00:03:40,730 (EXHALES) 75 00:03:44,733 --> 00:03:46,635 (CLOSES ZIPPER) 76 00:03:52,263 --> 00:03:54,020 All right, man, I'm going to the studio. 77 00:03:54,022 --> 00:03:55,809 - Have a very productive day. - I love you. 78 00:03:55,811 --> 00:03:57,547 MIKE: I love you. 79 00:03:59,004 --> 00:04:00,814 - ♪ I ate her ass ♪ - (GASPS) 80 00:04:00,816 --> 00:04:02,148 ♪ She came, I gasped... ♪ 81 00:04:02,150 --> 00:04:03,651 - (MUSIC STOPS) - Another. 82 00:04:03,653 --> 00:04:05,485 Run it back, yep. 83 00:04:05,487 --> 00:04:06,987 - ♪ I ate her ass ♪ - (GASPS) 84 00:04:06,989 --> 00:04:08,511 - ♪ She came... ♪ - (MUSIC STOPS) 85 00:04:08,513 --> 00:04:09,549 No? 86 00:04:10,901 --> 00:04:12,593 - It's been too long. - How you been? 87 00:04:12,595 --> 00:04:15,162 - Look at you, you sweet baby face. - Well, I try. 88 00:04:15,164 --> 00:04:16,997 DAVE: I can't hear you. 89 00:04:16,999 --> 00:04:18,999 - ELZ: Oh. Press the button. - ALLY: Oh. 90 00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:21,102 Hi! Surprise. 91 00:04:21,104 --> 00:04:23,271 DAVE: Hello. What a... Yeah, what a surprise. 92 00:04:23,273 --> 00:04:25,508 Is that a buffalo chicken cheesesteak from Frank's? 93 00:04:25,510 --> 00:04:29,409 - Yes. Good eye. - Good idea, my cherub. 94 00:04:29,411 --> 00:04:31,278 You're an angel sent from... 95 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:32,946 the Euphrates. 96 00:04:32,948 --> 00:04:35,576 (CHUCKLES) That's in Iraq, but thank you. 97 00:04:35,578 --> 00:04:38,250 - There's nothing wrong with Iraq. - I'm gonna set it over here. 98 00:04:38,252 --> 00:04:39,462 DAVE (ECHOING): How's your day going? Good? 99 00:04:39,464 --> 00:04:42,638 So good. Ooh, you sound... really cool. 100 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:44,525 DAVE (ECHOING): Do I? Uh. Uh. 101 00:04:44,527 --> 00:04:46,127 Uh-ooh! Yeah. 102 00:04:46,129 --> 00:04:48,504 Let's not act like it's you doing it yourself, though. 103 00:04:48,506 --> 00:04:50,297 There's, like, mad plug-ins right now, 104 00:04:50,299 --> 00:04:52,031 so he sounds like an actual rapper. 105 00:04:52,033 --> 00:04:54,535 Every rapper has delay and reverb; it's very standard. 106 00:04:54,537 --> 00:04:55,869 Ooh, I like it. 107 00:04:55,871 --> 00:04:57,804 (ECHOING): Well, I couldn't be more appreciative 108 00:04:57,806 --> 00:04:59,540 of that sandwich. I love you. 109 00:04:59,542 --> 00:05:00,973 We have to finish this song. 110 00:05:00,975 --> 00:05:02,817 - Okay. - Can I FaceTime you in a little bit 111 00:05:02,819 --> 00:05:04,312 - when I get out of here and we can... - Okay. 112 00:05:04,314 --> 00:05:05,879 Wait, wait, wait. What's the actual rush? 113 00:05:05,881 --> 00:05:07,980 Dave's making magic. I'm here. 114 00:05:07,982 --> 00:05:09,363 Uh, duh. 115 00:05:09,365 --> 00:05:11,465 (LAUGHS) Okay. 116 00:05:11,467 --> 00:05:13,467 I'd like to see the magic happen. 117 00:05:13,469 --> 00:05:14,935 If that's... 118 00:05:14,937 --> 00:05:16,804 It's not that magical. All I'm doing is breathing. 119 00:05:16,806 --> 00:05:18,570 It's not necessarily the most entertaining moment 120 00:05:18,572 --> 00:05:20,421 - to see me in the studio. - ALLY: I... 121 00:05:20,423 --> 00:05:22,977 - live for breathing; I love it. - (CHUCKLES) 122 00:05:22,979 --> 00:05:26,246 Great, run it back. Let's do another... breath, please. 123 00:05:26,248 --> 00:05:27,929 ♪ It is weird yet lit ♪ 124 00:05:27,931 --> 00:05:29,519 ♪ What a chain of events ♪ 125 00:05:29,521 --> 00:05:30,795 ♪ I've been fucking ♪ 126 00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:32,626 ♪ I ate her ass ♪ 127 00:05:32,628 --> 00:05:33,899 ♪ She came, I gasped ♪ 128 00:05:33,901 --> 00:05:36,384 - (GASPS) - ♪ I went... ♪ 129 00:05:36,386 --> 00:05:38,344 DAVE: That was actually a fairly good one. 130 00:05:38,346 --> 00:05:40,441 And make the delay like, "Ass, ass, ass, ass". 131 00:05:40,443 --> 00:05:42,139 Like, fully wet "ass". 132 00:05:42,141 --> 00:05:43,975 And stack them and... 133 00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:46,144 - What do you call it? Uh... - Moses. 134 00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:47,978 Moses that fuckin' shit. 135 00:05:47,980 --> 00:05:51,083 - ♪ I ate her ass, she came, I gasped... ♪ - (GASPS) 136 00:05:53,191 --> 00:05:56,118 ♪ I went again, won't make my bed ♪ 137 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:59,375 ♪ My mom got pissed, she said, "Don't rap". ♪ 138 00:05:59,377 --> 00:06:01,145 - Okay. - You like that? 139 00:06:01,147 --> 00:06:03,503 Uh... Mm. I like the spirit of it. 140 00:06:03,505 --> 00:06:05,738 In practice... You know, I do just... 141 00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:08,074 I had, like, so many well-organized things there. 142 00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:09,681 Uh, can I just, like... 143 00:06:09,683 --> 00:06:11,176 'Cause I won't be able to get past the... 144 00:06:11,178 --> 00:06:13,245 - Okay. I'll meet you on the bed. - Let me just... 145 00:06:13,247 --> 00:06:15,063 straighten up, tidy up a little bit. 146 00:06:15,065 --> 00:06:17,918 Just a few choice items. That'd be over here. 147 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,816 Turn the light down, like that. 148 00:06:20,818 --> 00:06:22,172 Okay. 149 00:06:22,174 --> 00:06:25,539 I'm just gonna angle this lamp like that. 150 00:06:25,541 --> 00:06:28,762 - I know, I'm just in the unbuttoning process. - Mm-hmm. 151 00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:32,031 (SIGHS): And we are... getting real close to blastoff. 152 00:06:32,033 --> 00:06:33,605 Skinny jeans these days, you know? 153 00:06:33,607 --> 00:06:34,676 (ALLY LAUGHS) 154 00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:38,938 I'm very thirsty. 155 00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:41,440 And I just want to nip this in the bud before... 156 00:06:41,442 --> 00:06:43,945 we get too far down the rabbit hole. 157 00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:49,550 (EXHALES): Ah... 158 00:06:49,552 --> 00:06:50,963 That was important. 159 00:06:50,965 --> 00:06:53,389 - Mm-hmm. You good? - Where were we? 160 00:06:53,391 --> 00:06:55,193 (ALLY LAUGHS) 161 00:06:56,290 --> 00:06:58,324 - I-I can't. - No, no, no. No, no. 162 00:06:58,326 --> 00:07:00,060 - I can't. - I'm so close, I'm so close, I'm so close. 163 00:07:00,062 --> 00:07:02,562 I can't hold my weight up. I can't. I'm... taxed. 164 00:07:02,564 --> 00:07:04,565 Okay, get up, get up. I'll turn around. 165 00:07:04,567 --> 00:07:06,466 Oh, you... Oh. 166 00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:08,401 - Backwards. - (WHISPERS): Yeah. 167 00:07:08,403 --> 00:07:10,139 (BOTH PANTING) 168 00:07:13,208 --> 00:07:15,878 - Eat my ass. - Huh? 169 00:07:18,913 --> 00:07:21,250 (MOANING, GRUNTING) 170 00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:24,918 ALLY: Ooh. 171 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:27,490 (BOTH PANTING) 172 00:07:29,824 --> 00:07:31,927 Did you say something at the end? 173 00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:34,995 No, I-I... You said something. 174 00:07:34,997 --> 00:07:36,262 No. It was nothing. 175 00:07:36,264 --> 00:07:38,498 Did you ask me to eat your ass? 176 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,433 Yeah. 177 00:07:40,435 --> 00:07:42,502 - (WHISPERS): Yeah. - That's what you said? 178 00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:43,939 Yeah. 179 00:07:45,007 --> 00:07:46,505 Were you, were you joking? 180 00:07:46,507 --> 00:07:48,007 No. 181 00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:50,186 - You were being serious? - Yeah, I wasn't joking. 182 00:07:50,188 --> 00:07:53,250 You were inside of me. I wasn't making a joke. 183 00:07:53,252 --> 00:07:55,275 You want me to eat your ass? 184 00:07:55,277 --> 00:07:57,736 I did, yeah. Yes. 185 00:07:57,738 --> 00:08:00,761 Al, I would never eat your ass in a million years. 186 00:08:00,763 --> 00:08:03,488 I'm just being really open about that. Like, that's... 187 00:08:03,490 --> 00:08:05,298 - Wow. - And when I say "your", 188 00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:07,766 I do not mean, like, your, like, asshole is worse 189 00:08:07,768 --> 00:08:09,462 than, like, the typical asshole. 190 00:08:09,464 --> 00:08:11,167 I would never eat Rachel McAdams's asshole. 191 00:08:11,169 --> 00:08:13,033 - I would never eat... Beyoncé's asshole. - Okay. 192 00:08:13,035 --> 00:08:15,467 I would eat your ass if you asked. 193 00:08:15,469 --> 00:08:17,448 I would never put you through that. Are you kidding? 194 00:08:17,450 --> 00:08:20,073 My asshole is one of the most disgusting places on Earth. 195 00:08:20,075 --> 00:08:22,869 There's always debris and, like, cake down there. 196 00:08:22,871 --> 00:08:24,628 - You don't want to eat that. - Cake? 197 00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:26,152 Yeah. You don't want to find out what that means. 198 00:08:26,154 --> 00:08:28,883 Okay, well, I only said it because of your song. 199 00:08:28,885 --> 00:08:31,578 And you were rapping about it, and I thought you might like it 200 00:08:31,580 --> 00:08:33,665 and I might like it, and it'd be fun 201 00:08:33,667 --> 00:08:35,796 - to do together. - I totally understand 202 00:08:35,798 --> 00:08:38,058 what's happening now... you heard it in the song. 203 00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:39,558 Yeah. 204 00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:41,356 Rap is a very sexually charged genre. 205 00:08:41,358 --> 00:08:42,706 Just 'cause you hear me say something in a song 206 00:08:42,708 --> 00:08:43,853 does not mean that's what I want to do. 207 00:08:43,855 --> 00:08:45,645 I'm just kind of, like, giving the people what they want. 208 00:08:45,647 --> 00:08:48,472 Okay, well, what do you want? What do you want to do? 209 00:08:48,474 --> 00:08:50,666 - About what? - Sexually. 210 00:08:50,668 --> 00:08:52,176 - Enlighten me. - Uh, you don't... you know, 211 00:08:52,178 --> 00:08:53,977 I think you... I don't think that, you know, 212 00:08:53,979 --> 00:08:55,240 I don't think there's much you don't know. 213 00:08:55,242 --> 00:08:57,242 Like, missionary. I like when you flip around. 214 00:08:57,244 --> 00:08:59,080 No. I mean, okay, what do you jerk off to? 215 00:09:00,181 --> 00:09:02,582 Like, regular porn, honestly. Like porn. 216 00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:05,018 - What kind of porn? What do you watch? - Uh, HD. 217 00:09:05,020 --> 00:09:06,559 - Dave. - I'm serious. Like, high... 218 00:09:06,561 --> 00:09:08,360 - I'm serious, too. - High... You'd be shocked 219 00:09:08,362 --> 00:09:10,408 at how many things are, like, below 720, and you get in there 220 00:09:10,410 --> 00:09:11,594 - and you're handcuffed. - Okay, but, like, 221 00:09:11,596 --> 00:09:12,878 what's the weird thing that you watch? 222 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,694 - Everybody has, like, a weird thing. - Uh, I don't know. 223 00:09:14,696 --> 00:09:16,596 - I don't have a weird thing. Like, I... - Yes, you do. 224 00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:19,933 - Come on. Tell me. Tell me. - Milking porn. 225 00:09:19,935 --> 00:09:22,369 (GASPS SOFTLY) 226 00:09:22,371 --> 00:09:25,105 - Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get under you now. - ALLY: Okay, I get it. 227 00:09:25,107 --> 00:09:27,606 So there's a big board with a hole in it, 228 00:09:27,608 --> 00:09:30,043 and the penis goes in the hole. 229 00:09:30,045 --> 00:09:31,133 Yeah. 230 00:09:31,135 --> 00:09:33,894 And then, I would go under it, 231 00:09:33,896 --> 00:09:35,624 and that's the milking, 232 00:09:35,626 --> 00:09:37,741 is the jerking off. Or would you want... 233 00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:38,902 - Do you want me to blow you? - No, no, no. 234 00:09:38,904 --> 00:09:40,220 - I could blow... Like... - No, no... 235 00:09:40,222 --> 00:09:42,455 I don't want you to do any of this to me. That's... 236 00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:44,695 You asked me the weirdest thing I've ever jerked off to; like, 237 00:09:44,697 --> 00:09:46,058 this is what popped into my head. 238 00:09:46,060 --> 00:09:47,738 This is not me saying, "Let's go do this". 239 00:09:47,740 --> 00:09:49,395 Okay. I'm not, like, 240 00:09:49,397 --> 00:09:51,231 - judging you or... - Yeah. What? 241 00:09:51,233 --> 00:09:54,634 - What? - No, I know. Good. 242 00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:57,303 - Is that... Are we good? - Y-Yeah. Yeah. 243 00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:58,971 You're... Uh, yeah. 244 00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:00,139 - Okay. - Milking. 245 00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:02,141 Milking. Let's go to bed. 246 00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:03,476 - Okay. - Good night. 247 00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,481 Good night. 248 00:10:08,550 --> 00:10:10,583 - (SIGHS) - I love you. 249 00:10:10,585 --> 00:10:12,587 I love you as well. 250 00:10:17,662 --> 00:10:20,185 MIKE: Oh. I keep logging out of my Apple I.D., 251 00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:22,377 and now I'm not gonna be able to stream this Phish show. 252 00:10:22,379 --> 00:10:24,764 - This is so annoying. - What's Phish, bro? 253 00:10:24,766 --> 00:10:28,101 - It's a band. - Oh, that's why Dave's all in a fucking trance. 254 00:10:28,103 --> 00:10:30,503 'Cause he can't stream his Phish. 255 00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:32,651 No, I'm in a trance because you ruined my life 256 00:10:32,653 --> 00:10:34,274 and you let Ally stay on the session. 257 00:10:34,276 --> 00:10:36,408 She heard the rap I had about eating ass, 258 00:10:36,410 --> 00:10:37,611 and now she wants me to eat her ass 259 00:10:37,613 --> 00:10:39,178 and do all these crazy sexual things. 260 00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:40,513 - You hear this? - Yeah. You've ruined my life. 261 00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:41,681 Thank you for allowing that. 262 00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:43,283 Hold on, bro. You be eating ass? 263 00:10:43,285 --> 00:10:45,464 - No. - We are just clearing a table, 264 00:10:45,466 --> 00:10:47,287 but we can seat you if you'll come this way. 265 00:10:47,289 --> 00:10:48,905 Oh, amazing. Thank you so much. 266 00:10:48,907 --> 00:10:51,355 Bro, you're upset with me because she wants 267 00:10:51,357 --> 00:10:53,073 to have cooler sex with you? I don't understand that. 268 00:10:53,075 --> 00:10:54,097 Yeah, exactly. 269 00:10:54,099 --> 00:10:55,320 I don't want to have cooler sex. 270 00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:57,422 I like my sex the way it is where it's plain 271 00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:59,327 and there's zero expectations. 272 00:10:59,329 --> 00:11:01,757 I don't want to have to feel like, "Oh, this girl needs 273 00:11:01,759 --> 00:11:04,026 - her appetite whet", uh, you know? - MIKE: Very smart. 274 00:11:04,028 --> 00:11:06,234 That's how love lasts. Boring sex. Smart. 275 00:11:06,236 --> 00:11:09,946 Uh, it's 'cause you're uncomfortable about your... 276 00:11:09,948 --> 00:11:12,588 Yeah, yeah. Duh. 277 00:11:12,590 --> 00:11:14,946 Hold on. Ain't no room for no inside info at this table. 278 00:11:14,948 --> 00:11:16,548 What's going on? Catch me up to speed. 279 00:11:16,550 --> 00:11:18,353 You can't tell anybody. They're, like, the only two people 280 00:11:18,355 --> 00:11:20,053 - that know this. - Don't tell anybody. 281 00:11:20,055 --> 00:11:21,553 - I'm not, man. - DAVE: I'm serious. I'm... 282 00:11:21,555 --> 00:11:23,056 - He's being dead serious. - I'm-I'm locked in. 283 00:11:23,058 --> 00:11:25,204 All right, so I have birth defects on my penis, 284 00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:27,123 - and, like, I had to have surgery on it. - Ah, I'm cool, bro. 285 00:11:27,125 --> 00:11:29,229 I ain't trying to hear all that, bro; we about to eat. 286 00:11:29,231 --> 00:11:31,695 - Oh, okay. Well... - MIKE: Yeah, it's really gross. 287 00:11:31,697 --> 00:11:33,991 - ELZ: It's disgusting. - It's-it's as gross as you think it is. 288 00:11:33,993 --> 00:11:36,068 - Ally doesn't even know about it. - GATA: So your girl 289 00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:37,535 - has never seen your dick? - Correct. 290 00:11:37,537 --> 00:11:39,404 - That's crazy. - Yeah. I control the lighting. 291 00:11:39,406 --> 00:11:41,407 - Next subject. Let's keep it rolling. - What does she want 292 00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:43,576 me to do? Start talking dirty or something? Like... 293 00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:45,745 Yeah. That's what people do. They talk dirty during sex. 294 00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:46,985 - Out of nowhere? - Yes. 295 00:11:46,987 --> 00:11:48,081 That's what everybody does. 296 00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:50,082 You're supposed to nibble on her ear like Mike Tyson. 297 00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:51,239 All that type of stuff, bro. 298 00:11:51,241 --> 00:11:52,251 - You supposed to do all of that. - I can't. 299 00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:54,354 It's so out of character. I can't all of a sudden just be, 300 00:11:54,356 --> 00:11:56,255 like, a different person. Like, that's crazy. 301 00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:58,258 - What do you say, Gata? - I say things like, 302 00:11:58,260 --> 00:11:59,894 "Baby, your beauty is inspiring. 303 00:11:59,896 --> 00:12:01,361 You're the best thing I've seen all day. 304 00:12:01,363 --> 00:12:03,221 You're a fine display of greatness at its greatest". 305 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,740 Can I have your phone number, or no? 306 00:12:04,742 --> 00:12:06,098 Uh, I don't have a phone. 307 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,115 Um, I'll be back to take your order in a moment. Okay? 308 00:12:08,117 --> 00:12:10,102 I'm impressed by the way you talk to girls. 309 00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:11,856 You have no fear, even in today's climate, 310 00:12:11,858 --> 00:12:13,273 - of being yourself. - GATA: What? 311 00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:15,542 He's talking about the #MeToo movement. 312 00:12:15,544 --> 00:12:17,376 - Oh. I'm with all of that. - Yeah. Sexual harassment. 313 00:12:17,378 --> 00:12:20,112 - But shit, I got to be me, too. - Yeah. 314 00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:21,447 All right. Can we get back to the issue here? 315 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:23,287 What am I supposed to say when I fuck my girlfriend? 316 00:12:23,289 --> 00:12:25,284 - Okay. Yeah. Go-go ahead, Elz. - Am I first? 317 00:12:25,286 --> 00:12:26,619 Spit in her mouth. 318 00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:28,625 - Oh, my God. - DAVE: I say, "Open your mouth", 319 00:12:28,627 --> 00:12:30,122 - and I go... (SPITS) - Yeah. 320 00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:31,390 - Yeah. - She's gonna think I have... 321 00:12:31,392 --> 00:12:32,970 like, I'm having, like, a brain aneurysm. 322 00:12:32,972 --> 00:12:34,726 - You got to try these things. - All of this shit 323 00:12:34,728 --> 00:12:36,395 is so ridiculous. I'm not gonna be like, 324 00:12:36,397 --> 00:12:40,022 "Oh, you need this". 325 00:12:40,024 --> 00:12:41,634 - Who the fuck says things like that? - No. What the fuck are you 326 00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:43,246 - talking about? - What is this, '70s porno? 327 00:12:43,248 --> 00:12:44,737 - Yeah. - Okay, great. What do you say, hotshot? 328 00:12:44,739 --> 00:12:46,139 Why are you being so weird about this? Why don't you 329 00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:47,572 just, like, watch porn with her? Everybody does that 330 00:12:47,574 --> 00:12:48,910 - with their girlfriend. - DAVE: Yeah, why don't I say, 331 00:12:48,912 --> 00:12:51,144 "Hey, Al. Let me load up a video of a guy 332 00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:53,356 with an 11 and a half-inch cock made of meat". 333 00:12:53,358 --> 00:12:54,613 - MIKE: Yeah. - DAVE: "You can compare it 334 00:12:54,615 --> 00:12:56,249 - to my shredded wheat dick..." - Hold up. 335 00:12:56,251 --> 00:12:58,675 Hold up, man. Where the fuck is my grill at, man? 336 00:12:58,677 --> 00:13:00,586 I just had it right here in a black napkin, man. 337 00:13:00,588 --> 00:13:01,654 What the fuck? 338 00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:03,112 - MIKE: What? - Where the hell is my grill? 339 00:13:03,114 --> 00:13:05,754 - Y'all not paying attention? - ELZ: Not to your grill. 340 00:13:05,756 --> 00:13:07,327 I don't give a fuck about your grill. 341 00:13:07,329 --> 00:13:08,660 He was cleaning up the table. 342 00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:10,371 - DAVE: Okay, well... - GATA: It's gone, though. 343 00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:12,005 Is this, like, a million-dollar grill? 344 00:13:12,007 --> 00:13:14,089 - What's the... ? - Dude, I paid $300 for it, bro. 345 00:13:14,091 --> 00:13:16,601 All right. Think of it as, like, one night of Hanukkah. 346 00:13:16,603 --> 00:13:18,770 It's not a huge deal. Oh, and then there you go. 347 00:13:18,772 --> 00:13:20,505 Just like that. Problem solved. 348 00:13:20,507 --> 00:13:22,508 - Doctor Zhivago. - My nigga, dude. 349 00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:23,842 (CHUCKLES) My nigga. 350 00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:25,678 - The busboy had it. - Thank you, bro. 351 00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,179 I wouldn't expect y'all to relate to it. 352 00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:28,681 - I'm from the trenches, bro. - What do you mean? 353 00:13:28,683 --> 00:13:29,782 Don't loop me in with these fucking guys. 354 00:13:29,784 --> 00:13:31,106 I'm from the West Side of Chicago. 355 00:13:31,108 --> 00:13:32,617 Yeah, don't loop me in with this guy, either. 356 00:13:32,619 --> 00:13:34,226 Look at me. We the same. 357 00:13:34,228 --> 00:13:35,653 This nigga, you know what I'm saying? 358 00:13:35,655 --> 00:13:37,865 Everybody keeps saying, "Ooh, you're the rich black kid". 359 00:13:37,867 --> 00:13:40,192 No, I'm not the rich black kid. My parents have money. 360 00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:41,626 - But when I left... - (DAVE AND MIKE LAUGH) 361 00:13:41,628 --> 00:13:43,196 - That has nothing to do with me. - MIKE: That's the same shit. 362 00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:45,298 I can do something for you, too, man. 363 00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:47,533 I can fix that streaming issue you having to watch Phish. 364 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:48,867 - Can you seriously do that? - GATA: Dude, 365 00:13:48,869 --> 00:13:50,470 I'm like a black Neil deGrasse Tyson. 366 00:13:50,472 --> 00:13:52,716 - He is black. - I know. 367 00:13:52,718 --> 00:13:54,041 - DAVE: Hey. - Oh. 368 00:13:54,043 --> 00:13:55,778 How do I fuck my girlfriend? 369 00:13:59,429 --> 00:14:01,847 It was just, like, such a shock 370 00:14:01,849 --> 00:14:05,313 to hear him talk so explicitly in his music. 371 00:14:05,315 --> 00:14:07,149 Like, real Dave... (SNIFFS) 372 00:14:07,151 --> 00:14:08,650 - Oh, throw that away. - Yeah. 373 00:14:08,652 --> 00:14:12,233 Real Dave would never talk like that. Like, it was 374 00:14:12,235 --> 00:14:15,460 so manly and, like, aggressive and hot. 375 00:14:15,462 --> 00:14:16,805 - And, like... - That's good. 376 00:14:16,807 --> 00:14:18,907 - Right? Yeah. And I was like, fuck it. - Yeah. 377 00:14:18,909 --> 00:14:20,808 I'll just fucking ask. 378 00:14:20,810 --> 00:14:24,812 And then now it's the most uncomfortable dyna... 379 00:14:24,814 --> 00:14:27,315 It's insane how uncomfortable it is now. 380 00:14:27,317 --> 00:14:29,480 I love getting my ass eaten. 381 00:14:29,482 --> 00:14:31,773 My last boyfriend liked that more than fucking me. 382 00:14:31,775 --> 00:14:33,488 Just lived down there. 383 00:14:33,490 --> 00:14:35,489 That sounds so tight. 384 00:14:35,491 --> 00:14:38,315 (SIGHS) And it sucks because it has been great. 385 00:14:38,317 --> 00:14:39,994 Like, I really have figured out 386 00:14:39,996 --> 00:14:42,659 how to make myself come really consistently, 387 00:14:42,661 --> 00:14:44,832 which never happened with Rob. 388 00:14:44,834 --> 00:14:46,167 I fucking hated Rob. 389 00:14:46,169 --> 00:14:48,487 Wait. What do you mean, make yourself come? 390 00:14:48,489 --> 00:14:50,004 Dave doesn't make you come? 391 00:14:50,006 --> 00:14:51,505 No, Dave... 392 00:14:51,507 --> 00:14:55,509 It's-it's Dave's penis inside of me. 393 00:14:55,511 --> 00:14:57,845 Well, what is the sex like? Do y'all fuck in silence? 394 00:14:57,847 --> 00:15:00,347 No. There's passion and... 395 00:15:00,349 --> 00:15:02,116 moaning. 396 00:15:02,118 --> 00:15:04,185 - He moans. - Moans? 397 00:15:04,187 --> 00:15:06,020 So, y-you just lay there, 398 00:15:06,022 --> 00:15:09,064 and he's silently humping you and moaning? 399 00:15:09,066 --> 00:15:10,191 Do you make eye contact? 400 00:15:10,193 --> 00:15:11,860 No. 401 00:15:11,862 --> 00:15:15,529 I close my eyes to-to focus. 402 00:15:15,531 --> 00:15:17,633 - To escape reality? - No! 403 00:15:17,635 --> 00:15:19,533 I'm not... I'm saying I am, like... 404 00:15:19,535 --> 00:15:23,047 you know, focusing on picturing Dave. 405 00:15:23,049 --> 00:15:26,565 Just, like, a different version of Dave. 406 00:15:26,567 --> 00:15:27,756 You're a teacher, Al. 407 00:15:27,758 --> 00:15:29,377 You were made for this moment, you know? 408 00:15:29,379 --> 00:15:32,645 You just got to, like... unlock him. 409 00:15:32,647 --> 00:15:35,652 You know what I mean? Just unlock him. 410 00:15:36,916 --> 00:15:38,972 MIKE: Yeah, we used to have a Regal. 411 00:15:38,974 --> 00:15:40,656 And my dad likes the sauce, so he got drunk 412 00:15:40,658 --> 00:15:42,990 and smashed it against the tree. Then we had a Cutlass. 413 00:15:42,992 --> 00:15:44,729 That was my favorite family car. 414 00:15:44,731 --> 00:15:46,609 - Damn, y'all had the Cutty? For real? - Mm-hmm. 415 00:15:46,611 --> 00:15:48,163 - Them motherfuckers is hard, bro. - Yeah, they're... 416 00:15:48,165 --> 00:15:49,621 What's up, bitch-ass nigga? 417 00:15:49,623 --> 00:15:51,822 - What's up with you, bro? - Do you see what time it is, nigga? 418 00:15:51,824 --> 00:15:52,946 Fuck all that talking. 419 00:15:52,948 --> 00:15:54,068 - What's happening, nigga? - Step up, then. 420 00:15:54,070 --> 00:15:55,904 GATA: I'm right here. You're doing all that woofing, bro. 421 00:15:55,906 --> 00:15:57,201 - All that barking and shit. - Step up then, nigga. 422 00:15:57,203 --> 00:15:58,796 - Nigga, what's up, bro? - Bitch ass. 423 00:15:58,798 --> 00:16:00,321 MAN: Hey! I'm calling the cops. 424 00:16:00,323 --> 00:16:01,612 For what? 425 00:16:01,614 --> 00:16:03,121 - Man, you lucky he gonna call the police. - For what? 426 00:16:03,123 --> 00:16:04,165 - Take it outside! - Nigga, he ain't about to do nothing. 427 00:16:04,167 --> 00:16:06,236 He just talking, man. You know where I'll be at, bro. 428 00:16:06,238 --> 00:16:07,515 - Pop out, my nigga. - CAZ: I'm-a see both y'all. 429 00:16:07,517 --> 00:16:09,959 You and Ed Sheeran's bitch ass. 430 00:16:09,961 --> 00:16:11,687 - I'm-a take one of these. - Hey, you got to pay for that. 431 00:16:11,689 --> 00:16:13,737 - Put it on that bitch-ass nigga's tab. - Oh, for real? 432 00:16:13,739 --> 00:16:15,190 Oh, yeah, put it on my tab 433 00:16:15,192 --> 00:16:17,191 'cause you ain't got no money, though. 434 00:16:17,193 --> 00:16:19,094 Damn, they got Orange Vanilla Coke 435 00:16:19,096 --> 00:16:21,930 in this motherfucker? That's crazy. 436 00:16:21,932 --> 00:16:23,304 This is crazy. 437 00:16:23,306 --> 00:16:24,599 Where do you think they import this from? 438 00:16:24,601 --> 00:16:27,034 This shit look just like your fucking hair, bro. 439 00:16:27,036 --> 00:16:28,704 That's crazy. 440 00:16:28,706 --> 00:16:30,538 Hey, don't worry about that, bro. 441 00:16:30,540 --> 00:16:33,108 How much you want for this, papi? 442 00:16:33,110 --> 00:16:34,942 (BOTTLES CLINKING) 443 00:16:34,944 --> 00:16:38,113 Aw, man. All we got is Stella, Gata. You good with that? 444 00:16:38,115 --> 00:16:40,114 - Yeah, I'm good. But is it rosé, though? - (BOTTLE OPENS) 445 00:16:40,116 --> 00:16:42,450 No, it's... it's beer. 446 00:16:42,452 --> 00:16:45,976 Oh, that's cool, bro. I was just expecting the finer things. 447 00:16:45,978 --> 00:16:49,281 Hey, what was up with that guy from the convenience store? 448 00:16:49,283 --> 00:16:52,126 Oh, you worried about that old poo-butt-ass nigga, bro? 449 00:16:52,128 --> 00:16:53,461 Yeah, well, what-whatever, man. 450 00:16:53,463 --> 00:16:55,830 (CHUCKLES): I-I got shook, I'm not gonna lie. 451 00:16:55,832 --> 00:16:58,466 You-you handled it so well, man. I'm-I'm trying to be like that. 452 00:16:58,468 --> 00:17:00,402 You know, more Zen. You were so calm. 453 00:17:00,404 --> 00:17:02,136 Can you, like, see what's up with the remote, though? 454 00:17:02,138 --> 00:17:03,570 'Cause I'm trying to watch this shit 455 00:17:03,572 --> 00:17:06,141 - you over here all excited about. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. 456 00:17:06,143 --> 00:17:07,642 ♪♪ 457 00:17:07,644 --> 00:17:09,411 Oh, shit, Gata! 458 00:17:09,413 --> 00:17:11,579 What the fuck? You're the man. 459 00:17:11,581 --> 00:17:12,646 How did you do that? 460 00:17:12,648 --> 00:17:14,149 GATA: I used to work for Geek Squad. 461 00:17:14,151 --> 00:17:16,416 That's Phish. Let's have some Phish, baby. 462 00:17:16,418 --> 00:17:18,586 - Yeah. You like this? Is this good? - Hell yeah. 463 00:17:18,588 --> 00:17:20,154 MIKE: You get high, right? 464 00:17:20,156 --> 00:17:21,245 Come on, man. 465 00:17:21,247 --> 00:17:23,091 - Pass that bud, please. - (CHUCKLES) 466 00:17:23,093 --> 00:17:25,093 (TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT): The bud is right here. 467 00:17:25,095 --> 00:17:28,095 This is the vampire bud. 468 00:17:28,097 --> 00:17:29,430 (BOTH LAUGH) 469 00:17:29,432 --> 00:17:30,664 (REGULAR VOICE): Have you biting people. 470 00:17:30,666 --> 00:17:32,166 (SNIFFS) Smell that. 471 00:17:32,168 --> 00:17:35,604 - Oh, this is some bomb bomb. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 472 00:17:35,606 --> 00:17:37,337 But when they gonna stop warming up, though? 473 00:17:37,339 --> 00:17:39,007 Oh, no. This is the whole show. 474 00:17:39,009 --> 00:17:41,009 This is what they do the whole time, man. 475 00:17:41,011 --> 00:17:43,111 Feel that. Feel that. 476 00:17:43,113 --> 00:17:45,345 Feel that, dude. (GRUNTS) 477 00:17:45,347 --> 00:17:47,782 (ALLY MOANS) 478 00:17:47,784 --> 00:17:49,452 (BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY) 479 00:17:51,587 --> 00:17:52,686 Please. 480 00:17:52,688 --> 00:17:54,691 What? 481 00:17:56,593 --> 00:17:58,459 - I said please. - Okay. 482 00:17:58,461 --> 00:18:00,194 - You like that? - Yeah. 483 00:18:00,196 --> 00:18:03,030 Yeah. What do you, what do you like specifically? 484 00:18:03,032 --> 00:18:05,133 - (PANTING) - Uh, uh... 485 00:18:05,135 --> 00:18:07,035 Your feminine energy. 486 00:18:07,037 --> 00:18:08,202 (GRUNTS) Yeah. 487 00:18:08,204 --> 00:18:09,537 Do you like how that feels? 488 00:18:09,539 --> 00:18:11,306 Yeah. It feels... 489 00:18:11,308 --> 00:18:13,040 just ideal. 490 00:18:13,042 --> 00:18:14,374 You're so hard. 491 00:18:14,376 --> 00:18:15,810 - I'm as hard as I can be. I'm fully... - Mm-hmm. 492 00:18:15,812 --> 00:18:17,045 - I'm boned. - Uh-huh. 493 00:18:17,047 --> 00:18:19,150 - I'm fully hard. - (PANTING) 494 00:18:20,282 --> 00:18:22,383 (PANTING) Yeah. 495 00:18:22,385 --> 00:18:23,550 - Yeah. Yeah. - (GRUNTS) 496 00:18:23,552 --> 00:18:26,386 Your pussy is premium. 497 00:18:26,388 --> 00:18:29,223 (STAMMERS) Prime-time. 498 00:18:29,225 --> 00:18:30,391 What do you want? 499 00:18:30,393 --> 00:18:31,726 Uh, what do I want? 500 00:18:31,728 --> 00:18:33,327 Yeah. What do you want, Dave? Tell me what you want. 501 00:18:33,329 --> 00:18:35,052 - I want every fucking nook. - Okay. 502 00:18:35,054 --> 00:18:38,066 - I want the whole kit and caboodle... - Uh-huh. It's yours. 503 00:18:38,068 --> 00:18:39,334 - Give me the full pussy. - Uh-huh. 504 00:18:39,336 --> 00:18:40,401 - Give me your full pussy right now. - It's yours. 505 00:18:40,403 --> 00:18:41,741 - Give me the puss. - Where do you want to come? 506 00:18:41,743 --> 00:18:43,671 Uh... There. Within you. 507 00:18:43,673 --> 00:18:45,702 I mean, you can feel how soaked I am, right? 508 00:18:45,704 --> 00:18:47,407 - Uh-huh. - With gush. 509 00:18:47,409 --> 00:18:48,675 - (MOANING) - Oh, my God. 510 00:18:48,677 --> 00:18:50,077 - Are you gonna cream? - Mm-hmm. 511 00:18:50,079 --> 00:18:51,246 - You're gonna come? - Mm-hmm. 512 00:18:51,248 --> 00:18:52,347 Cream. 513 00:18:52,349 --> 00:18:54,182 - Come. - Okay. 514 00:18:54,184 --> 00:18:56,084 - Precum. Please come. - You want me to come? 515 00:18:56,086 --> 00:18:57,418 - Give me everything. Give me everything. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. 516 00:18:57,420 --> 00:18:58,752 - Come. Come. Yeah, come. - Okay, baby. Okay. 517 00:18:58,754 --> 00:19:00,958 - Come. Do it. Come. Come. - Okay, I'm coming. I'm coming. 518 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:03,091 I'm coming. (MOANING) 519 00:19:03,093 --> 00:19:05,692 (GRUNTING) 520 00:19:05,694 --> 00:19:08,429 (BOTH PANTING) 521 00:19:08,431 --> 00:19:10,265 Oh, my God. 522 00:19:10,267 --> 00:19:12,867 (BOTH PANTING) 523 00:19:12,869 --> 00:19:14,768 That was... 524 00:19:14,770 --> 00:19:17,438 great. 525 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:19,106 Amen, brother. 526 00:19:19,108 --> 00:19:20,441 (EXHALES) 527 00:19:20,443 --> 00:19:22,210 Did you come? 528 00:19:22,212 --> 00:19:23,611 Yeah. 529 00:19:23,613 --> 00:19:27,114 (BOTH PANTING) 530 00:19:27,116 --> 00:19:28,786 (SIGHS) 531 00:19:31,288 --> 00:19:33,290 (SIGHS SOFTLY) 532 00:19:35,457 --> 00:19:37,794 ♪♪ 533 00:19:58,714 --> 00:20:00,480 (GRUNTS) 534 00:20:00,482 --> 00:20:02,249 (EXHALES) 535 00:20:02,251 --> 00:20:04,488 (GRUNTING) 536 00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:08,163 ALLY: Dave? 537 00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:09,647 - (KNOCKING, DOORKNOB RATTLING) - Occupied! 538 00:20:09,649 --> 00:20:11,439 - I got to pee. - Uh... 539 00:20:11,441 --> 00:20:13,929 Okay, well, I'm pooping! Can I have a second? 540 00:20:13,931 --> 00:20:15,865 I can hear you walking around. 541 00:20:15,867 --> 00:20:18,333 Yeah. I stand when I wipe. 542 00:20:18,335 --> 00:20:20,668 - Okay. Please hurry. I got to go. - Uh... 543 00:20:20,670 --> 00:20:23,170 Okay, what about... Mike's not home. 544 00:20:23,172 --> 00:20:24,595 Can you... Just go in the sink. 545 00:20:24,597 --> 00:20:26,841 I'm not gonna pee in the sink. 546 00:20:26,843 --> 00:20:28,442 Can you be quick? I have to go. 547 00:20:28,444 --> 00:20:29,944 All right, well... 548 00:20:29,946 --> 00:20:32,067 Okay, just hurry up. Please, please, please, 549 00:20:32,069 --> 00:20:34,182 please, please, please. Are you okay? 550 00:20:34,184 --> 00:20:35,849 Yes, I'm just wiping! 551 00:20:35,851 --> 00:20:37,786 - Will you hurry up? I really have to go. - I'm finishing! 552 00:20:37,788 --> 00:20:40,788 (TOILET FLUSHING) 553 00:20:40,790 --> 00:20:43,191 - Go. Geez Louise. - Oh, my God. Thank you, thank you, thank you, 554 00:20:43,193 --> 00:20:44,358 - thank you, thank you. - Uh, I don't know. 555 00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:45,794 Must've tracked this in here. 556 00:20:45,796 --> 00:20:47,627 (EXHALES) 557 00:20:47,629 --> 00:20:49,529 - (URINATING) - (SIGHS) 558 00:20:49,531 --> 00:20:52,299 Very strong pee... I can tell it was, in fact, urgent. 559 00:20:52,301 --> 00:20:55,013 I know. I wasn't, like... Jesus Christ! What the fuck 560 00:20:55,015 --> 00:20:56,917 is that? 561 00:20:58,540 --> 00:20:59,974 Dave, what is that? 562 00:20:59,976 --> 00:21:01,709 What-what is that? 563 00:21:01,711 --> 00:21:04,211 It is... 564 00:21:04,213 --> 00:21:06,213 called a Fuck Me Silly 3. 565 00:21:06,215 --> 00:21:07,481 Oh, my God. 566 00:21:07,483 --> 00:21:09,483 Oh, my God, please take it out. 567 00:21:09,485 --> 00:21:11,219 - Take it out? - Please take it out. 568 00:21:11,221 --> 00:21:13,232 A Fuck Me Silly, Da... 569 00:21:13,234 --> 00:21:14,912 Oh, my God. Why is it so heavy? 570 00:21:14,914 --> 00:21:16,302 Where is the other half? 571 00:21:16,304 --> 00:21:17,724 Oh, my God! 572 00:21:17,726 --> 00:21:20,327 Dave, do you fuck this? 573 00:21:20,329 --> 00:21:22,286 You know, you just asked me three questions. 574 00:21:22,288 --> 00:21:23,397 Why is it so heavy? 575 00:21:23,399 --> 00:21:25,566 I assume, uh, to simulate humanity. 576 00:21:25,568 --> 00:21:27,001 - Oh, my God. - Top half? 577 00:21:27,003 --> 00:21:29,294 I don't know anything about that. And... 578 00:21:29,296 --> 00:21:31,623 We just had great sex. What are you... 579 00:21:31,625 --> 00:21:33,407 - doing? - You say we have great sex. 580 00:21:33,409 --> 00:21:35,433 To me, that sex was, like, unbearable! 581 00:21:35,435 --> 00:21:37,154 - It was, like, warfare. Yeah, I was, - Unbearable?! 582 00:21:37,156 --> 00:21:38,531 like, surviving and advancing. 583 00:21:38,533 --> 00:21:39,847 I felt like I was just surviving. 584 00:21:39,849 --> 00:21:42,249 I hate talking about how, like, wet your pussy is 585 00:21:42,251 --> 00:21:43,821 - or how hard my dick is. - Okay, 586 00:21:43,823 --> 00:21:45,131 so you don't like talking dirty, 587 00:21:45,133 --> 00:21:48,022 - but you like fucking Jell-O with feet? - Yeah. 588 00:21:48,024 --> 00:21:50,195 Maybe I like doing it 'cause it doesn't ask anything of me 589 00:21:50,197 --> 00:21:51,759 and it has no expectations. I don't have to, like, 590 00:21:51,761 --> 00:21:54,261 choke it or yell at it as I fuck it. 591 00:21:54,263 --> 00:21:56,080 - I can just be in and out and do my business. - I didn't ask you 592 00:21:56,082 --> 00:21:57,466 to do any of those things, right? 593 00:21:57,468 --> 00:21:59,433 I just asked you to be open 594 00:21:59,435 --> 00:22:00,934 and, like, try something new. 595 00:22:00,936 --> 00:22:02,603 And I asked you, 596 00:22:02,605 --> 00:22:05,272 "What's the weirdest thing you jerked off to?" 597 00:22:05,274 --> 00:22:09,711 And this fucking A.I. bullshit didn't occur to you, Dave? 598 00:22:09,713 --> 00:22:11,635 Well, it's not A.I. 599 00:22:11,637 --> 00:22:13,546 And I don't, like, look at it and jerk off. 600 00:22:13,548 --> 00:22:15,049 I don't jerk off to it. I didn't lie. 601 00:22:15,051 --> 00:22:16,550 Right. You make love to it. 602 00:22:16,552 --> 00:22:18,286 - That's what I should've asked. - I don't make love. 603 00:22:18,288 --> 00:22:20,013 - It's platonic. It's... - Cool. 604 00:22:20,015 --> 00:22:22,205 So, sex with your human girlfriend 605 00:22:22,207 --> 00:22:24,558 is unbearable warfare, 606 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,393 and you can't even tolerate having, like, 607 00:22:26,395 --> 00:22:28,896 a conversation with me about sex? 608 00:22:28,898 --> 00:22:31,931 And I-I feel like I'm trying to figure out what you want, 609 00:22:31,933 --> 00:22:33,300 and you're just not telling me the truth. 610 00:22:33,302 --> 00:22:35,267 Like, what am I missing here, okay? 611 00:22:35,269 --> 00:22:36,636 I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! 612 00:22:36,638 --> 00:22:39,475 I was born with a fucked-up dick! 613 00:22:40,476 --> 00:22:43,810 Dave, your penis is normal. 614 00:22:43,812 --> 00:22:46,748 Uh, you've... you have never seen my dick. 615 00:22:46,750 --> 00:22:49,650 Yes, I have. 616 00:22:49,652 --> 00:22:51,318 I know you think you ha... Um, honestly, like, 617 00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:52,921 it's my life's work to make sure you don't see it. 618 00:22:52,923 --> 00:22:55,375 Like, I spend every moment plotting the lighting 619 00:22:55,377 --> 00:22:56,655 and the angles. If you've seen it, 620 00:22:56,657 --> 00:22:58,179 - what does my dick look like? - It looks 621 00:22:58,181 --> 00:23:00,760 like a fucking dick, Dave. 622 00:23:00,762 --> 00:23:03,332 Now I know you haven't seen it. 623 00:23:04,334 --> 00:23:05,999 - You're leaving? - Yes. 624 00:23:06,001 --> 00:23:07,668 We're talking in circles, 625 00:23:07,670 --> 00:23:10,007 and you clearly don't want to talk. 626 00:23:11,340 --> 00:23:13,673 I was born with a tangled urethra. 627 00:23:13,675 --> 00:23:16,921 So, when I came out, they did surgery on me. 628 00:23:16,923 --> 00:23:18,512 Okay? There's scarring down there. 629 00:23:18,514 --> 00:23:20,681 I also have a birth defect called hypospadias 630 00:23:20,683 --> 00:23:22,094 that one in 300 guys have, 631 00:23:22,096 --> 00:23:24,451 where the pee hole isn't in the center of the head. 632 00:23:24,453 --> 00:23:27,014 It's, like... For me, it's on the underneath part of my head. 633 00:23:27,016 --> 00:23:29,790 There were also these small black dots on my dick 634 00:23:29,792 --> 00:23:31,358 that looked like poppy seeds. 635 00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:33,220 I got 'em removed, 'cause it was humiliating. 636 00:23:33,222 --> 00:23:35,462 And one of the poppy seeds got removed too far 637 00:23:35,464 --> 00:23:37,709 on the underside of my shaft, so now, when I pee, 638 00:23:37,711 --> 00:23:40,535 it's out of two different holes, like a Super Soaker. 639 00:23:40,537 --> 00:23:42,702 That's why I pee sitting down. If I didn't pee sitting down, 640 00:23:42,704 --> 00:23:44,704 I would just piss all over my own body. 641 00:23:44,706 --> 00:23:46,473 And when I'm in public and I'm at a urinal, 642 00:23:46,475 --> 00:23:48,041 I clog the second hole with my finger. 643 00:23:48,043 --> 00:23:51,378 There's just a lot of stuff. 644 00:23:51,380 --> 00:23:54,882 Why is this the first time I'm hearing about it? 645 00:23:54,884 --> 00:23:56,651 I don't know, Al. There was never a great time 646 00:23:56,653 --> 00:23:58,553 to pull you aside and say, "Hey, my dick 647 00:23:58,555 --> 00:24:01,058 looks like an old pile of worms". 648 00:24:02,825 --> 00:24:06,059 Don't leave. 649 00:24:06,061 --> 00:24:07,798 Show me. 650 00:24:08,712 --> 00:24:10,470 No. 651 00:24:10,472 --> 00:24:13,098 I love you. I know it'll make me feel better. 652 00:24:13,100 --> 00:24:15,428 I think it'll make you feel better. 653 00:24:15,430 --> 00:24:17,837 Al, first off, I'm soft as a mouse. 654 00:24:17,839 --> 00:24:19,239 I'm not gonna show you this vers... 655 00:24:21,411 --> 00:24:23,743 That was easy. 656 00:24:23,745 --> 00:24:25,579 Yeah. 657 00:24:25,581 --> 00:24:27,083 Trust me. 658 00:24:28,585 --> 00:24:30,587 (SIGHS) 659 00:24:37,414 --> 00:24:39,370 Okay. Cool. 660 00:24:39,372 --> 00:24:42,197 That's a stand-up boner. 661 00:24:42,199 --> 00:24:44,699 - I love you. - I love you. 662 00:24:44,701 --> 00:24:46,701 (KISSES) I love it. 663 00:24:46,703 --> 00:24:47,934 Great. 664 00:24:47,936 --> 00:24:49,939 Good night. 665 00:24:55,444 --> 00:24:58,112 - (SIGHS) - (TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY) 666 00:24:58,114 --> 00:25:00,780 (PHONE CHIMES) 667 00:25:00,782 --> 00:25:02,115 WEATHERMAN: Increasing cloudiness tomorrow. 668 00:25:02,117 --> 00:25:04,951 Sticky and humid with a high of 96. 669 00:25:04,953 --> 00:25:07,622 With the winds out of the east at 14 miles per hour, 670 00:25:07,624 --> 00:25:10,790 - it's currently 75 degrees... - _ 671 00:25:10,792 --> 00:25:13,129 (CRICKETS CHIRPING) 672 00:25:16,965 --> 00:25:19,634 What on earth is going on? 673 00:25:19,636 --> 00:25:23,069 (SINGSONGY): Surprise! 674 00:25:23,071 --> 00:25:27,190 It's your very own milking table. 675 00:25:27,192 --> 00:25:28,523 How did you... 676 00:25:28,525 --> 00:25:31,527 Just get on the table, put your dick in the hole 677 00:25:31,529 --> 00:25:34,529 and I'm gonna milk the cream out of you. 678 00:25:34,531 --> 00:25:36,632 This is unbelievable. Did you, like, hire, like, 679 00:25:36,634 --> 00:25:39,105 - a TaskRabbit to do this? - Okay, so I've been thinking about it. 680 00:25:39,107 --> 00:25:42,204 I think that you jerk off to milking table porn 681 00:25:42,206 --> 00:25:45,540 because it's just the dick and the girl. 682 00:25:45,542 --> 00:25:47,210 Right? So it's your biggest insecurity. 683 00:25:47,212 --> 00:25:48,376 It's your biggest fear. 684 00:25:48,378 --> 00:25:51,379 Which means it's your ultimate fantasy. 685 00:25:51,381 --> 00:25:53,148 Oh, my God. 686 00:25:53,150 --> 00:25:54,317 Yeah. 687 00:25:54,319 --> 00:25:56,653 And, last night, we did what I wanted to do. 688 00:25:56,655 --> 00:25:59,089 So, tonight, we could do what you want to do. 689 00:25:59,091 --> 00:26:00,824 And, tomorrow, we could do what we want. 690 00:26:00,826 --> 00:26:03,629 And that's intimacy, right? 691 00:26:04,635 --> 00:26:06,158 - Mm. - I love you so much. 692 00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:08,497 - I love you. - Not only are you gonna milk me, 693 00:26:08,499 --> 00:26:09,888 I'm gonna milk you. 694 00:26:09,890 --> 00:26:12,167 Mandatory strip right now. I'm eating your asshole. 695 00:26:12,169 --> 00:26:13,837 - Do it right now. Take off your clothes. - Really? 696 00:26:13,839 --> 00:26:16,241 - Mandatory strip. That's right. Yeah. - Oh, my God. 697 00:26:18,142 --> 00:26:20,043 Get up there right now. I'm gonna milk your asshole. 698 00:26:20,045 --> 00:26:23,412 (GRUNTS) I feel like, f-for me, it's not milking. 699 00:26:23,414 --> 00:26:25,881 It-It's more like a gerbil and its bottle. 700 00:26:25,883 --> 00:26:27,339 Whatever it is, let's do it. 701 00:26:27,341 --> 00:26:29,409 - I'm ready to ride the momentum. - Okay. 702 00:26:35,260 --> 00:26:38,094 ♪ What a girl wants, what a girl needs ♪ 703 00:26:38,096 --> 00:26:40,429 ♪ What a girl wants, what a girl n... ♪ 704 00:26:40,431 --> 00:26:42,334 (GARAGE DOOR OPENING) 705 00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:52,109 Yo. 706 00:26:54,444 --> 00:26:57,849 I'm just... I'm just gonna park on the street. 707 00:26:58,849 --> 00:27:01,386 (GARAGE DOOR CLOSING) 708 00:27:05,623 --> 00:27:08,124 ♪ Whoo, whoo, I'm still a kid, look at my dick ♪ 709 00:27:08,126 --> 00:27:11,460 - ♪ But I make these hits that'll shape your kids ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪ 710 00:27:11,462 --> 00:27:14,462 ♪ If I shake my hips, they'll display their tits ♪ 711 00:27:14,464 --> 00:27:15,798 ♪ It is weird yet lit ♪ 712 00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:17,465 ♪ What a chain of events ♪ 713 00:27:17,467 --> 00:27:19,135 ♪ I've been fucking ♪ 714 00:27:19,137 --> 00:27:20,469 ♪ I ate her ass ♪ 715 00:27:20,471 --> 00:27:22,137 ♪ She came, I gasped ♪ 716 00:27:22,139 --> 00:27:23,471 ♪ I went again ♪ 717 00:27:23,473 --> 00:27:25,308 - ♪ Won't make my bed ♪ - ♪ What? ♪ 718 00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:26,741 ♪ My mom got pissed ♪ 719 00:27:26,743 --> 00:27:28,477 - ♪ She said, "Don't rap" ♪ - ♪ What? ♪ 720 00:27:28,479 --> 00:27:30,145 ♪ Guess what, I did ♪ 721 00:27:30,147 --> 00:27:32,315 ♪ Oh, yeah, all my haters' hands up on their heads ♪ 722 00:27:32,317 --> 00:27:34,031 - ♪ Oh ♪ - ♪ I'm abusing substances ♪ 723 00:27:34,033 --> 00:27:36,040 - ♪ With guys in the NFL ♪ - ♪ Whoa ♪ 724 00:27:36,042 --> 00:27:38,754 ♪ I just stole a Perrier from Kodak Black ♪ 725 00:27:38,756 --> 00:27:40,979 ♪ From his dressing room, while he was onstage ♪ 726 00:27:40,981 --> 00:27:42,503 ♪ I was thirsty, back up off me ♪ 727 00:27:42,505 --> 00:27:43,826 ♪ This is just hip-hop ♪ 728 00:27:43,828 --> 00:27:45,827 ♪ But my shit pop ♪ 729 00:27:45,829 --> 00:27:47,262 - ♪ I wear flip-flops ♪ - ♪ Where? ♪ 730 00:27:47,264 --> 00:27:48,497 ♪ To my biz ops ♪ 731 00:27:48,499 --> 00:27:50,120 - ♪ Ain't no wristwatch ♪ - ♪ Why? ♪ 732 00:27:50,122 --> 00:27:51,719 ♪ Pretty women all up on my arm ♪ 733 00:27:51,721 --> 00:27:53,913 ♪ I don't think I need to get more charm. ♪ 734 00:27:53,915 --> 00:27:56,915 - Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -