[both speaking Spanish]
- El Jefe will see you now. Come with me.
El Jefe.
I got the money. You got the weapons?
- If you want to talk to him, you talk to me.
- Oh, you're the translator?
- No, you are the translator.
- Okay. I got the money.
[coughs]
Ay, perdón.
- I didn't hear you. You coughed.
- No, I didn't. I didn't cough, you coughed.
- Stop saying that I coughed.
- You coughed when you spoke to El Jefe.
- Ah, translator, what are you talking about?
- Can I, uh, try talking to him alone?
- Yes, I will go.
- What? No, no!
Hey, I meant us!
- Yes, come here.
[tense music]
♪
- Wait, I thought you wanted to talk to me alone.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Then come here.
- No...
Look, um, do you have the...
How do you say, uh...
- The weapons?
- Weapons!
Yes, weapons, but what is las armas.
- You are the worst fucking translator.
- No, fuck you. I'm not a translator!
- Not fuck him, fuck you!
Jefe, Jefe.
- Whoa, whoa, wait. - No, no, I'm on your side.
Relax, okay? Jefe...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you telling him to kill me?
- No, mata al Americano is a word--
It's a Guatemalan rice dish, okay?
- Okay, see, that does sound like
you're telling him to shoot me.
- No, no, that's how you cook it.
That's how--bam, bam, bam.
- Okay, he shoots me, I shoot you.
- Wait, do you mean you or him?
- You! - Ah.
[intense music]
♪
[bird cooing]
- Hoo-hoo.
Pio-pio.
- I'm sorry.
He's the worst fucking translator.
- Oh.
[cool percussive music]
♪
- It's so crazy that you're from Guatemala.
- Oh, crazy. - Because I literally
just got back from a trip to Peru.
- Okay.
Oh, I-I've never been to Peru, but...
- Oh. - I love ceviche, though.
- Yeah, same.
- Great, okay.
Would you excuse me for a second?
- Yeah, yeah. - Cool.
Cheers.
- So I learned, never give your mom a password.
- Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
- Sure.
- Do you think we can get out of here soon, man?
- Why? We just got here.
- Everybody wants to talk to me about Latin America.
- Oh. - I just want to talk
about normal things like my needlepoint hobby
or something completely different--
like, cross-stitching is so last year.
- Yeah, look, white people sometimes
need to be...gently guided away from their instincts.
- Right. - Like that girl over there.
- She asked me if I was so excited
for the "Black Panther" sequel. - Oh, that's messed up.
But also, like, who isn't?
- You know what? You just got to play along
and then pivot the conversation to what you want to talk about.
Play and pivot. Two Ps.
- Catchy. - Yeah, man.
Yeah, do you want to try it? - No, man, I got this.
- Yo, Seaton!
- Yo, man. How you doing?
- You hear that new Drake single?
- [laughs] For sure.
It's dope.
But there's a theory of why we all like it.
It's that we all live in a simulation,
and we just exist for the entertainment of our creators.
- Whoa. - Yeah.
- You just blew my mind.
- No, Chad. I just pivoted your mind.
- Hey. - Hi.
- I'm Jennifer. - Arturo.
Nice to meet you. - Oh, that's a beautiful name.
Where are you from?
- Guatemala. - No way!
I'm getting my PhD in Latin American Studies.
- Oh, cool. - Yeah.
- Well, that reminds me of a completely different subject.
- Mm.
- Latin America! - [laughs]
- It turned out to be the same one that you were thinking of.
- Yeah! Oh, good.
[cool percussive music]
- And now a message
from the Department of Homeland Security.
- Hello, I'm ICE agent Bryce J. Korn.
Now, our main goal is to protect the American people
at all costs.
But we understand there's been some
humanitarian concerns over our methodology.
Oof. And we hear ya.
That's why I'm proud to announce that as of today,
we will no longer be detaining undocumented children in cages,
and instead, we'll be keeping them cage-free!
The U.S. Government is committed to stealing
and imprisoning innocent children
in the most humane way possible.
That's why the minute these kids are ripped
from their parents, we put them on that field.
There, they can roam free-range.
Running, playing, just having a great time,
with only a high-security electrified fence
at the perimeter to confine them--
for their protection.
Just look at those happy little buggers.
[electrical zapping]
And that's not all.
We've heard your criticism about the quality of food here.
That's why we switched all our cage-free children
to a grass-fed diet, and they can have as much as they want.
Now, we've also read the reports about health concerns
at our facilities, so we'll be raising all our
cage-free children with absolutely no antibiotics.
[chuckles]
So quit it with your negative press already,
for crying out loud.
With this new cage-free program,
these Latino children separated from their parents,
boy, they're healthier and happier than ever.
[chuckles]
Mm...
Still no eggs, though.
[cool percussive music]
- And that left behind such a troubled--
- Troubled legacy for Guatemala.
I was just about to say that.
You took the words right out of my mouth, again.
- We're just on the same wavelength with this stuff.
- Speaking of wavelengths,
what's your favorite...
Length of wave?
- Do you mean--
- You guys talking about Guatemala?
- Yes! - No, no...
- I actually just got back from Peru.
- Okay, Peru and Guatemala don't have that much in common.
- You guys, they're talking about Peru over here, too.
- No, uh-- Welcome.
- We were just saying we hope Vizcarra
does better than his predecessor.
- Arturo, as a Latin American,
what do you think about Vizcarra?
- Vizcarra, I, um...
- He's the president.
Of Peru. - Peru, ha!
Of Peru, yeah.
Well, I'll tell you one thing about him.
You know, he lives and works in Lima,
which is the capital, which I know, so...
- [mouthing word]
- That reminds me of a completely different subject.
Montevideo is the capital of Uruguay.
- What about Uruguay?
What do you think about president Pepe Mujica?
- Oh, guys, let's no open up that can of worms.
It's a party, let's keep it light.
Let's keep it light!
- What do you mean?
- No, I think Arturo is onto something.
Let those worms out.
- [sighs] Oh, God. I will very soon.
But first, do you guys know what time this party ends?
Like, is there a specific time? - Don't think so.
- Okay, well, let's get back into it.
- Sure, let's talk about the Venezuelan oil industry, then.
- Shit.
[cool percussive music]
[dramatic music]
♪
- [snapping fingers]
♪
[all snapping fingers]
♪
- Okay, Torches.
You want a fair fight? Come and get it.
Let's turn it around, boys! [laughing]
all: [hissing]
[jazz music plays]
♪
♪ We'll give you a mean surprise ♪
♪ We'll show you we're up to size ♪
♪ No tricks, no rumpus, but if you try to jump us ♪
♪ We'll give your head a bump-us ♪
♪ We're the Hornets
[hissing]
- What do you say to that, Torches?
all: [chanting] You will not replace us!
[tense music]
- Oh.
- Quick team meeting, quick team meeting.
Okay, um...
Okay, so it is feeling like these guys have
a very different approach to this rumble than we do.
So maybe we, like, cool it on the whole singing
and dancing thing for today, you know?
- But, guys, we rehearsed
all day and night for this rumble!
- This is not a rumble, okay?
That is a hate crime waiting to happen.
That's what that looks like.
- But I want to do my move.
- Stop it! Stop it with your move!
Today is not the day for moves!
- Look, choncho, you said it yourself.
We have spirit. - Yes.
- Yeah. - We have gusto.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
- And no one can take that away from us.
- You're right.
No one can take that away from us.
Okay, Hornets, let's show them what we got.
all: ♪ Don't be surprised if we get rough ♪
♪ When they've got a guy with our fisticuffs ♪
♪ We're gonna sing-- - Gun!
Gun, back up! There's a gun!
Back up, back up, back up, back up, ba-ba-ba-ba.
Okay, I was wrong.
They definitely can take that away from us.
Definitely. - Don't worry, choncho.
If things go down, huh, I brought my switchblade.
[all oohing]
- Don't ooh. This is no time for "ooh."
They have semiautomatic weapons and body armor, okay?
We have one switchblade between the seven of us.
Oh, wow. And it's dull?
Good for you, Raul. Good for you.
- Por favor, I know how to use it!
- Don't do it. Don't do--
- Hey, Torches!
We'll show you not to nab oranges on our turf, eh?
- Does not speak for all of us!
all: White lives matter!
- Okay, that's our cue. That--that is our cue.
- To shuffle bar-rumble them off our turf?
- No, to get the fuck out of here rapidly.
We are going to go dance over there.
You need to chill out.
Dance away, dance away.
Dance away, go.
- Hyah! Hey, did you guys see?
I did my move.
- Oh, oh! Khaki fire!
Ugh!
[breathing heavily]
All right, boys.
Let's go back to the Internet.
[cool percussive music]
[dramatic music]
- Introducing the most erotic chapter yet
in the "50 Shades" saga.
♪
- Mr. Grey, you're one of the most powerful people
in the world.
How did you do it?
- I know what people want.
I understand...their desires,
Anastasia.
♪
- You're used to being the boss,
aren't you, Mr. Grey?
- I like something very specific.
- What?
♪
- Prepare to go where no other "50 Shades" movie
has gone before.
- What are you gonna do to me?
- Anything I want.
♪
[smooching loudly]
[breathing heavily]
♪
[smooching loudly]
- Why are you doing this to me?
- We are ruled by desire.
- No, like, this particular act.
- I take what I want.
- Can we please just have penetrative sex?
- [echoing] No.
[smooching loudly]
♪
- What's next?
- More tiny little kisses.
So tiny, you won't even feel them.
- I would really like to feel them.
- [smooching loudly]
- Without sight, they're even louder.
- [smooching loudly]
- Could we try something?
- Like what?
- Literally anything else.
♪
Now I'm gonna take control.
- Do it.
- [smooching loudly]
- Oh, God, is that what that feels like?
No! No, no. Stop that, stop that.
Safe word, spaghetti! Spaghetti!
Stop! Stop!
[tense music]
[loud smooching]
- Oh.
[squeegee squeaking like smooching]
I thought you were someone else.
♪
[cool percussive music]
- You were right, man. It's harder than it looks.
- I told you!
Look, the unwritten third P
in "play and pivot," is practice.
- Then call it the three Ps, man.
Why would you leave out an essential P?
I needed that P. - Yeah, you did.
It was brutal out there. - They wouldn't let me pivot.
Just kept talking and talking and talking and talking.
- You don't wait for them to let you pivot, you pivot.
- Well, it's too late now, man.
Now I have to figure out my opinion
on the Venezuelan oil industry?
How do they know about it?
- I think a more interesting oil industry
is the essential oil industry.
- Me too.
You know, I just got a new diffuser, and I really--
Oh, my God. You just pivoted me.
- Mm-hmm. That's the third P, baby.
- Oh, you're good.
- You ready to go pivot? - I think so.
- You ready to pivot? - I can pivot.
- Look me in the eye. Are you a pivoter?
- Oh, I'm a pivoter. - Who's a pivoter?
You a pivoter? - I am gonna pivot all over
these people, man. - Pivot on them!
- Yeah! - Why we in the bathroom?
- No idea.
- I used to do macramé, which was fun...
- Not the same. - But now I'm doing--
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, hey! - Hey.
- We were just talking about the new needle-pointing trend.
- Oh, my God. I love needle-pointing.
- Oh, but now that you're here, I know you wanted to share
your thoughts on the Venezuelan oil industry, right?
- About that, I think the more relevant subject
is the essential oil industry.
Did you guys know that it can alleviate stress
and really put you in a better disposition altogether.
- You trying to change the subject?
- No, no, I'm--
[sighs] Yes. Yes, I am.
Listen, just because I'm Latin American
doesn't mean that's all I want to talk about.
Why don't you try asking me anything else?
Literally, anything else.
Like, how do I know the host?
Or I don't know-- like, where I get my hair done.
And I will tell you where.
Alphonso's, 'cause that man is a magician
with sensitive scalps.
I mean, you're white.
Do you know the subtleties of the political climate
in Germany?
- Actually, yeah.
- Of course you do, Chad.
- Arturo, no one's forcing you to talk about this stuff.
I mean, why did you even come back over here
when you got out of the bathroom?
- That would have been a perfect time
to join another conversation.
- Because I did not know that was an option.
- Speaking of options,
Netflix has way too many options.
What happened to getting DVDs in the mail?
I miss DVDs. They're very shiny circles.
- Yeah. - I like the special features.
- I like it when this guy changes the topic.
[laughter] - [mouths words]
- I miss them.
[cool percussive music]
[traffic noise, sirens]
- Ah, capitalist America.
2019.
- Looks like we got here in the nick of time.
Look at the cesspool of consumerism.
- Yes, let's start recruiting.
- Hey, you three!
The chains of capitalism have bound you
to a machine of greed by which you are enslaved.
Now, who amongst you-- - Hey!
You're the dude from the shirt.
- Oh, yeah.
- What?
- Oh, yeah, my shirt.
- That's you, right? Beard guy?
- Why is my face on your shirt?
- I don't know. It's just cool.
Everybody has one.
- Oh.
Anyway, the laws of capitalism,
blind and invisible to the majority--
I am sorry, did you say everyone?
- Yeah.
- With my face? Just like this?
- Yeah, I have a poster, too. - And I got the phone case.
- Okay, hold up, hold up.
Did you guys make these?
- No, no, we bought them.
- Oh, you bought them.
[chuckles] Who cares?
How much?
- This shirt? It was, like, $40.
- $40 for a T-shirt?
- Che, come on, you were saying?
The struggle for liberation against a foreign oppressor.
- One second, one second.
So let's say a thousand people have them.
That's $40 a T-shirt.
That's $40,000.
That's a lot of money.
- A thousand people? No, no, try millions.
- Millions!
Millions!
No, capitalism is bad.
Socialism, good.
For each according to his ability,
to each according to his needs.
Yes, okay.
- Is everything okay, Che? - Yes!
Just running a few numbers, okay?
- Comandante, we are not here to participate in capitalism.
We are here to crush it!
- You're right. - Yes.
- I am a revolutionary. - Yes.
- I am here to drain this sewer of greed and nothing else.
- Yes! Yes! - Yes!
- Hey, you know, my dad's a copyright lawyer.
- Please tell me more.
[upbeat music]
No, no, no, you're not listening to me.
I know it's real tobacco. I just don't care, okay?
By Q2, I want every toy store in the Midwest
to be carrying Che Gue-Vapors.
Okay, call me back. Ciao, ciao.
- Our home-improvement sector is on fire.
America loves the Che Lounges.
[whooshing]
- Fidel.
- Comrades!
How is our revolution coming?
Have you overthrown the evil capitalist regime yet?
- Um...
Very close.
I would say very, very close.
You know what? Why don't you wait for us in the lobby
and we'll come get you in a second?
- Viva la revolución!
- Uh-huh.
Yes.
[dialing]
Hello, Immigration?
Oh, I got a big one for you.
- Che!
- [sighs] You're right.
Please go get him.
Actually, it's two of them. Please hurry.
[cool percussive music]
- You must be speak such good Spanish.
You know, I learned a little Spanish in high school, so...
- Oh, that's so cool. - Mm.
- I actually just ran into a friend from high school,
who now works at Knitters Delight
in Williamsburg, which is where I happen to get
all my double-mesh canvas.
- Aw. - Are you a yarn-head?
I don't mean to assume. - I am.
I'm also thinking about getting into candlestick making, so...
- Oh, great. [both chuckle]
- You're ready. - I think so.
Hmm.
Good luck. - Cool.
- Oh, I love that Sauvignon.
- Oh, yeah, it's really good.
- Right? Not too dry, not too sweet.
- Mm-mm. - You know?
- Hey, are--are you mad about what Trump says about Mexicans?
- [sighs] Not as mad as I am about
Joann Fabrics running out of yellow mustard thread.
- [chuckles] - I'm a needlepoint guy.
- I love needlepoint. - Oh, you do, huh?
- Yeah. [both chuckle]
- Is Costa Rica too touristy?
- Oh, I wouldn't say that.
They just have a lot of beautiful beaches.
- Hmm.
- Which actually inspired one of my cheekier
embroidered pillows: "Life's a Beach."
[both laugh]
Would you like to see a picture?
- Yeah, I'd love to. - Here.
- Oh, wow, that's amazing. - Oh, thank you.
I feel like needlepoint is having a bit of a renaissance.
- I don't want to talk to you.
Our last conversation ended weirdly.
- It did end weirdly.
Kind of like the whole cross-stitching fad
ended weirdly.
Do you not have--
- You can't pivot on somebody you already overplayed.
- Oh. - And also,
try pivoting to something other than needlepoint.
People are leaving the party
after they're done talking to you.
- Probably to buy supplies. - You're doing it again.
- Oh, my God, I can't stop.
We need to leave. - Please.
- Let's go.
♪