1 00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:22,040 [Victor LaValle] In America, we rewrite history 2 00:01:23,876 --> 00:01:25,043 by erasing it. 3 00:01:29,715 --> 00:01:31,717 [people on street chattering] 4 00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:37,306 [person 1] What are you doing? Stop! Crazy fucking bitch! 5 00:01:37,389 --> 00:01:38,724 Okay, you need locking up! 6 00:01:39,725 --> 00:01:41,268 [person 2] What are you doing? 7 00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:43,979 [person 1] You need to be fucking locked up! 8 00:01:44,062 --> 00:01:46,023 Let go of me! Please. 9 00:01:46,690 --> 00:01:48,108 There you go, honey. 10 00:01:48,192 --> 00:01:49,818 [Apollo] "This is Apollo. Leave a message." 11 00:01:49,902 --> 00:01:52,070 -[line beeps] -I've been calling you for three days. 12 00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:56,283 I don't know where you are, Apollo. I don't know where you are. 13 00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:10,172 [LaValle] People wash up in New York. Literally. 14 00:02:12,049 --> 00:02:15,469 The Elk Hotel has been in business for over 100 years. 15 00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:19,681 Built to serve immigrants passing through Ellis Island. 16 00:02:21,183 --> 00:02:25,521 I'm here to unmake a deal. [breathing shakily] 17 00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:26,813 [door squeaks] 18 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:32,653 [LaValle] One hundred years is quite the American success story… 19 00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:34,321 [electricity crackles] 20 00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:37,449 …considering this is the shittiest hotel in the world. 21 00:02:37,533 --> 00:02:39,201 [reporter] …Mozart symphony has been discovered. 22 00:02:39,284 --> 00:02:42,538 The Bavarian State Library, where it was found, 23 00:02:42,621 --> 00:02:46,834 said the complete symphony was put in manuscript form by Mozart's father 24 00:02:46,917 --> 00:02:49,211 to save the cost of a note copier. 25 00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:54,258 The newly discovered symphony will be performed in public May 17th 26 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:58,011 -at a concert in Bavaria. -[moans] He got you good. 27 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,598 [reporter] External investigators are still trying to verify 28 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,598 [reporter] External investigators are still trying to verify 29 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,684 the authenticity of the document. 30 00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:05,644 However, a spokesperson for the library… 31 00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,062 I remember this. 32 00:03:07,145 --> 00:03:08,230 [clerk] How long? 33 00:03:08,814 --> 00:03:10,440 All of this. 34 00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,985 -How long? -I want Room 205. 35 00:03:13,068 --> 00:03:14,695 -No, no. Look at the rates. -[exhales sharply] 36 00:03:17,948 --> 00:03:19,199 The whole night. 37 00:03:19,283 --> 00:03:21,660 -All night? -[LaValle] Lester was weary. 38 00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:24,246 For 20 years he'd worked this desk. 39 00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:25,163 [phone rings] 40 00:03:25,247 --> 00:03:29,126 His job was to differentiate between gang member and murderer, 41 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:32,880 -versus whore, drug dealer, john, or pimp. -Mm-hmm. 42 00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:36,341 [LaValle] He'd watched gangs wage war outside this very door. 43 00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:40,929 Teenagers-- Nay, babies, senselessly killed on the sidewalk. 44 00:03:41,013 --> 00:03:41,847 -[Lester] How long? -[sighs] 45 00:03:41,930 --> 00:03:44,808 [LaValle] At first, he'd gone out there and scrubbed at the cement. 46 00:03:45,684 --> 00:03:47,227 Now it was rust-red. 47 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:49,730 Seventy-five. 48 00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:53,108 [LaValle] Gang members and murderers were denied a room. 49 00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,694 [Lester] You get your receipt when you check out. 50 00:03:55,777 --> 00:03:57,154 [LaValle] Everyone else was welcome. 51 00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:01,867 Of course, his deciphering skills weren't always up to par. 52 00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:01,867 Of course, his deciphering skills weren't always up to par. 53 00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:05,204 Like the time a trans woman was strangled, 54 00:04:05,704 --> 00:04:08,457 stuffed under the bed in a gold sequined dress, 55 00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:11,210 and left undiscovered for two weeks. 56 00:04:12,336 --> 00:04:14,379 -[Lester] How many of you? -Just me. 57 00:04:14,463 --> 00:04:15,589 Oh, you alone, huh? 58 00:04:16,298 --> 00:04:19,259 [LaValle] No one to claim her, buried unnamed. 59 00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:21,386 Alone. 60 00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:24,890 [Lester] Mm-hmm. There are centuries of names in that book. 61 00:04:35,234 --> 00:04:36,318 [Lester] Storm coming. 62 00:04:39,655 --> 00:04:40,781 Yes, there is. 63 00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:45,118 -[baseball game playing on TV] -[commentator speaking Spanish] 64 00:04:45,202 --> 00:04:47,120 -Yo. [speaks indistinctly] -[chuckles] 65 00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:48,830 [both chuckling] 66 00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:54,002 -Come on. Nah. [indistinct] -Get outta here! [indistinct] 67 00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:57,256 Excuse me. You move for a lady. 68 00:04:57,756 --> 00:04:59,424 [scoffs, chuckles] 69 00:04:59,508 --> 00:05:01,468 [LaValle] We cast our dreams as a play. 70 00:04:59,508 --> 00:05:01,468 [LaValle] We cast our dreams as a play. 71 00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:07,015 Who fills each role so we may bring the unconscious to consciousness? 72 00:05:07,099 --> 00:05:08,141 [person wheezes] 73 00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:11,228 [wheezing, breathing heavily] 74 00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:18,819 Who plays each role? 75 00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:20,571 [LaValle] And why? 76 00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:22,573 [sick person wheezes] 77 00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:26,743 Hey! Don't touch. [stammers] It's contagious. 78 00:05:43,427 --> 00:05:45,929 [sick person wheezing] 79 00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:50,601 [LaValle] Lillian didn't need Apollo's forgiveness. 80 00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:52,561 She needed her own. 81 00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:57,149 And it laid behind this very door. 82 00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:10,037 [LaValle] 1981 was a bloody year in New York. 83 00:06:17,419 --> 00:06:20,047 Even Lillian could not escape the violence. 84 00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:24,009 [grunts] 85 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:27,971 [speaks indistinctly] 86 00:06:28,472 --> 00:06:30,307 [LaValle] She had seen something that day. 87 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:31,225 [young Apollo] No, Daddy! 88 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,935 [LaValle] Something she could never unsee. 89 00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:35,354 [echoing] Daddy! No! 90 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,192 [young Lillian breathes shakily] 91 00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:43,862 [breathing shakily] 92 00:06:43,946 --> 00:06:45,989 [LaValle] And it had changed her once more. 93 00:06:48,158 --> 00:06:53,080 [Brian] I know what you did, Lillian. I know. 94 00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:57,292 So, you're really just gonna make me wait, huh? [panting] 95 00:06:57,376 --> 00:07:00,712 [chuckles] Yeah. You really make me crazy, you know that? 96 00:06:57,376 --> 00:07:00,712 [chuckles] Yeah. You really make me crazy, you know that? 97 00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:03,882 Yeah, sweetie. Yeah. 98 00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:07,970 [William] See you later. 99 00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:15,394 [LaValle] She had been here before. That night. That long ago, terrible night. 100 00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:19,773 This room that held a secret she swore she'd never tell. 101 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:28,907 But secrets want out, and prices will be paid. 102 00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:37,457 That was your father's box. 103 00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:39,626 Someone left it at the door. 104 00:07:43,547 --> 00:07:44,381 [swallows] 105 00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:54,892 [smacks lips, coughing] 106 00:07:56,185 --> 00:07:57,394 [breathes shakily] 107 00:07:59,605 --> 00:08:01,607 [young Lillian] So, tell me something else. 108 00:07:59,605 --> 00:08:01,607 [young Lillian] So, tell me something else. 109 00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:03,317 What should I tell you? 110 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,652 [young Lillian] Well, you can't know anything until you know everything. 111 00:08:05,736 --> 00:08:07,654 So, everything it is. 112 00:08:10,741 --> 00:08:13,493 [LaValle] It was unimaginable what had become of her. 113 00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:29,051 [inhales sharply, coughing] 114 00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:38,268 What now, Lillian? 115 00:08:38,769 --> 00:08:41,063 [LaValle] What now, Lillian? What then? 116 00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:44,816 Tell me your story, and I will tell you who you are. 117 00:08:45,776 --> 00:08:47,152 -[gunshot] -[gasps] 118 00:08:47,236 --> 00:08:48,445 [car tires squealing] 119 00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:50,614 [breathing shakily, panting] 120 00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:55,536 [LaValle] It wouldn't be the last time she'd hold a dying man. 121 00:08:56,203 --> 00:09:00,123 If you're a stickler for numbers, then this would be the first of three. 122 00:08:56,203 --> 00:09:00,123 If you're a stickler for numbers, then this would be the first of three. 123 00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:03,669 It is a tremor leading to the quake. 124 00:09:04,253 --> 00:09:06,505 One person moves away, breaks free, 125 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:10,676 creates a seismic shift in a family and in the land. 126 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:14,304 -But what is the cost of freedom? -[sirens wailing] 127 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:18,976 Had she been responsible for all that happened after she fled Uganda? 128 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,060 [soldiers yelling] 129 00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:21,895 [LaValle] Could she have changed the course 130 00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:24,648 of her family's history had she stayed? 131 00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:26,233 [people screaming] 132 00:09:26,316 --> 00:09:27,693 [LaValle] But she had left. 133 00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:31,738 And after, The Butcher had seized power from Obote 134 00:09:31,822 --> 00:09:34,449 -and delivered a massacre to her people. -[breathing shakily] 135 00:09:34,533 --> 00:09:38,662 -[Idi Amin indistinct] …they have to die. -[LaValle] All were gone now. All gone. 136 00:09:39,538 --> 00:09:41,748 What god would make people suffer so? 137 00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:45,711 What god would bring her all this way to smite her now? 138 00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:52,843 [breathes shakily] 139 00:09:53,552 --> 00:09:54,970 No god of mine. 140 00:09:56,388 --> 00:09:58,974 [gunfire] 141 00:09:59,057 --> 00:10:02,352 -[panting, grunting] -[Lillian] Arthur. 142 00:09:59,057 --> 00:10:02,352 -[panting, grunting] -[Lillian] Arthur. 143 00:10:02,436 --> 00:10:05,397 [breathing shakily] 144 00:10:44,186 --> 00:10:45,812 -[whirring] -[gasps] 145 00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:49,733 [breathing heavily] 146 00:10:50,526 --> 00:10:53,153 [LaValle] Lillian had known for a long time 147 00:10:53,237 --> 00:10:56,782 that there were realer things than the King of Kings right here. 148 00:11:16,969 --> 00:11:18,762 [LaValle] She remembered the hope. 149 00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:22,724 The unbridled hope that everything could be different in America. 150 00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:27,271 New York had opened a crack in her, and the light had crept back in. 151 00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:29,356 -She found room to dream. -[humming] 152 00:11:29,940 --> 00:11:33,110 [LaValle] Her grandmother had always said she had a lovely voice. 153 00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:36,655 Maybe she could be a lounge singer in a sparkling dress, 154 00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:39,199 belting out torch songs in some dusty saloon. 155 00:11:39,283 --> 00:11:45,122 Maybe she would meet someone, fall in love, have a bunch of kids. 156 00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:49,251 America the Great. The promised land. 157 00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:54,173 Apollo, I loved the place. I believed in it. 158 00:11:55,174 --> 00:11:59,261 I could see what America wanted to be, and I would kill to be American. 159 00:12:00,512 --> 00:12:03,182 But sometimes, most times, 160 00:12:03,974 --> 00:12:06,727 it made me feel a little bit like I had to get smaller. 161 00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:12,441 Watch my words and my smiles. Can't get too big, can't be angry. 162 00:12:12,524 --> 00:12:14,359 [whimpering] Don't you see? 163 00:12:15,027 --> 00:12:16,028 Can't be visible. 164 00:12:16,111 --> 00:12:18,030 -That's not our baby! -[horns honking] 165 00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:23,327 Apollo, have you heard me say "I love you" enough times? 166 00:12:24,828 --> 00:12:28,248 I've made some mistakes in this world. You are not one of them. 167 00:12:30,042 --> 00:12:32,503 [Lillian] But I layered onto you, even at your young age, 168 00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:36,215 my own… dis-ease. 169 00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:38,133 Unease. 170 00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:40,385 Fear. 171 00:12:44,723 --> 00:12:47,893 Don't get big. Don't speak loud. 172 00:12:48,393 --> 00:12:51,939 Don't tell a joke. Don't be too serious either. 173 00:12:52,022 --> 00:12:54,024 Don't draw attention to yourself. 174 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,027 Don't throw a tantrum in the store. 175 00:12:57,903 --> 00:12:59,696 Just don't do that. 176 00:13:02,366 --> 00:13:07,955 Apollo, at four years old you already knew what it felt like to live life afraid. 177 00:13:09,915 --> 00:13:13,752 When I was four, my favorite thing in the whole wide world 178 00:13:14,545 --> 00:13:21,093 was finding my jajja outside, hunched over a big iron pot, turning mandazis. 179 00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:22,719 [sighs] 180 00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:28,892 You never tasted those, hmm? Soft, fluffy doughnut clouds. 181 00:13:29,393 --> 00:13:31,395 Hot and spiced with a little bit of cardamom, 182 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,981 a little bit of cinnamon and a lot of coconut milk. 183 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,902 [Jajja] Can't make a mandazi without getting an oil burn. 184 00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:39,987 [chuckles] 185 00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:42,322 [Jajja] To make it taste perfect in the mouth, 186 00:13:42,406 --> 00:13:47,160 you must add the too, too, too important ingredient. 187 00:13:47,244 --> 00:13:49,246 -Love. -[Jajja] Love. 188 00:13:50,873 --> 00:13:55,085 She was an oracle. Had a life lesson for every minute of the day. 189 00:13:56,170 --> 00:14:01,800 [Jajja] Lillian, the important thing in life is what we do for the ones we love. 190 00:13:56,170 --> 00:14:01,800 [Jajja] Lillian, the important thing in life is what we do for the ones we love. 191 00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:08,557 Lillian, don't let a man make you crazy, 'cause he will try. 192 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,727 [chuckling] 193 00:14:14,438 --> 00:14:16,815 [people singing] 194 00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:20,235 [singing] 195 00:14:20,319 --> 00:14:26,033 [Jajja] Lillian, if you decide to eat a dog, eat a fat one. 196 00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:39,630 [LaValle] If we're lucky, each of us has the memory of a kitchen. 197 00:14:40,214 --> 00:14:44,843 The warmth and aroma of something being cooked with love. 198 00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:49,306 Regardless of who we are, where we're from, 199 00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:54,645 kitchen stove or iron pot, we are all gifted this heirloom. 200 00:14:55,812 --> 00:14:56,813 If we're lucky. 201 00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:15,958 [inhaling deeply] The pot is all that's left. 202 00:15:18,544 --> 00:15:20,546 There you go, honey. 203 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:26,844 [Jajja] Lillian, ask help from the spirits 204 00:15:26,927 --> 00:15:29,555 when you have used all your strength. 205 00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:35,644 Apollo, I never made you mandazis. Why? 206 00:15:36,311 --> 00:15:39,523 Because I wanted you to like regular American kid food. 207 00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:42,860 I wanted you to fit in with your mac and cheese diet 208 00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:45,696 and your hot dogs and your white bread PBJs. 209 00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:46,780 [rain pattering] 210 00:15:46,864 --> 00:15:48,115 But I made them with love. 211 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:50,450 [sighs] 212 00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:56,373 [Brian] I know what you did-- 213 00:15:57,082 --> 00:15:59,042 -[thunder rumbling] -Storm is coming. 214 00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:01,420 [banging on door] 215 00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:01,420 [banging on door] 216 00:16:01,503 --> 00:16:03,505 -[Lester] Leak! Bucket! -[metal clanks] 217 00:16:05,257 --> 00:16:08,719 [person] It's pissing through the ceiling, Lester. I got a fucking guest, man. 218 00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:10,679 [Lester] Oh, is that what we're calling them now? 219 00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:14,266 You'll have to wait your turn, Angelica. I'll get there when I get there. 220 00:16:14,349 --> 00:16:17,686 [Angelica] Just like you, Lester. You'll get there when you get there. 221 00:16:17,769 --> 00:16:20,022 Take your snail-ass fucking time. 222 00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:21,565 [Lester in French] Si tu savais, cher. 223 00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:24,568 [Angelica, in English] I know what those words mean, asshole. 224 00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:26,945 [water dripping] 225 00:16:29,907 --> 00:16:30,908 [bell rings] 226 00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:33,327 -I want children. -[young Lillian] Excuse me? 227 00:16:33,410 --> 00:16:35,704 I want the chance to be a good husband and a great father. 228 00:16:35,787 --> 00:16:38,332 I think I could do that. You know? 229 00:16:43,629 --> 00:16:44,922 [person] There you go, honey. 230 00:16:47,508 --> 00:16:50,511 [Lillian] Used to be advice passed from woman to woman, 231 00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:56,058 drawn from the well of her knowledge, how we do this hard, hard thing. 232 00:16:56,558 --> 00:16:58,644 -I reach back to my mother… -[sniffing] 233 00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:00,020 …and she holds my hand, 234 00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:00,020 …and she holds my hand, 235 00:17:00,103 --> 00:17:02,898 and she reaches back to her mother before that. 236 00:17:02,981 --> 00:17:06,818 A human chain of information back and back and back. 237 00:17:06,902 --> 00:17:07,819 [Brian] Lillian. 238 00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:19,164 There was some cracked magic in the air when I met your dad. 239 00:17:21,415 --> 00:17:27,923 We'd come from far-flung places, me from Uganda and he from Syracuse, 240 00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:30,008 so we could fall in love in New York City. 241 00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:31,718 [LaValle] Correction. 242 00:17:32,261 --> 00:17:33,512 I loved your dad. 243 00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:35,305 [LaValle] Correction. 244 00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:39,643 I can't tell you what being in romantic love is. 245 00:17:40,853 --> 00:17:43,480 I never felt true happiness or contentment. 246 00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:48,652 All those tummy things people talk about? I never felt those. 247 00:17:49,152 --> 00:17:52,406 Just blank spaces. 248 00:17:53,991 --> 00:17:58,078 Only from my son were those holes filled. 249 00:17:59,329 --> 00:18:05,460 Oh, I know that was no good either, Apollo. 250 00:17:59,329 --> 00:18:05,460 Oh, I know that was no good either, Apollo. 251 00:18:06,545 --> 00:18:08,714 Putting all that pressure on a child. 252 00:18:09,590 --> 00:18:13,051 Burdening you with the weight of all of my happiness. 253 00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:15,637 Loving you more than I can ever love myself. 254 00:18:15,721 --> 00:18:18,015 And sometimes-- sometimes… 255 00:18:22,019 --> 00:18:24,730 hating the burden of loving you too. 256 00:18:26,523 --> 00:18:31,278 But us mothers mustn't speak of such matters. 257 00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:33,655 The divine inconvenience. 258 00:18:33,739 --> 00:18:38,577 [breathes deeply] The grief, the sorrow, the regret. 259 00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:47,628 The anxiety of caring for a child. 260 00:18:52,758 --> 00:18:53,926 [Lillian] Am I enough? 261 00:18:59,598 --> 00:19:02,726 You are a burrowed tick in my mind. 262 00:18:59,598 --> 00:19:02,726 You are a burrowed tick in my mind. 263 00:19:03,727 --> 00:19:08,982 And it occurs to me, a mother is something I can never not be again. 264 00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:14,571 [clicks tongue] Can I be mother enough? 265 00:19:17,115 --> 00:19:19,910 Well, now there is no choice. 266 00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:22,704 'Cause, kid, I'm all you've got. 267 00:19:27,793 --> 00:19:31,713 Of course, I had hopes and dreams. 268 00:19:34,299 --> 00:19:39,555 Don't we all grow up wishing on a star? 269 00:19:43,684 --> 00:19:45,602 I gave all my dreams to you. 270 00:19:48,438 --> 00:19:52,860 Okay. Before I tell you what I don't want to tell you, let me first give him color. 271 00:19:57,489 --> 00:20:01,910 He was wounded deeply by a mother who hated him. 272 00:19:57,489 --> 00:20:01,910 He was wounded deeply by a mother who hated him. 273 00:20:03,412 --> 00:20:07,124 [smacks lips] I think of it, and I wrap him in my mind's arms. 274 00:20:08,959 --> 00:20:10,627 -The dad was worse. -[metal clanking] 275 00:20:12,796 --> 00:20:18,218 But the betrayal of the mother was something he could never get past. 276 00:20:23,807 --> 00:20:26,101 Should have served as a red flag. 277 00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:30,814 I was color-blind. 278 00:20:33,442 --> 00:20:34,651 [metal clanks] 279 00:20:34,735 --> 00:20:39,907 Your dad loved you with fire, but he also got satisfaction 280 00:20:39,990 --> 00:20:43,952 from achievements and other worlds that didn't orbit you. 281 00:20:44,620 --> 00:20:47,956 -I was-- I am jealous of that. -[officer] Officer West, congratulations 282 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:49,583 and thank you for an outstanding performance. 283 00:20:49,666 --> 00:20:51,668 [Lillian] Your father kept a lot of stuff. 284 00:20:52,252 --> 00:20:54,129 Stuff, stuff, stuff, boxes of it. 285 00:20:55,172 --> 00:20:58,217 [Lillian] As if things were proof he led a meaningful life. 286 00:20:59,051 --> 00:21:01,929 Things filled the void left by parents who couldn't love him. 287 00:20:59,051 --> 00:21:01,929 Things filled the void left by parents who couldn't love him. 288 00:21:03,180 --> 00:21:06,808 They say we are destined to repeat our patterns. 289 00:21:06,892 --> 00:21:10,729 [Lillian] And ta-da, he chose a woman who couldn't love him either. 290 00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:13,398 But I needed him. 291 00:21:14,608 --> 00:21:16,610 Needed him to cover my mistake. 292 00:21:21,657 --> 00:21:23,408 [slurps, swallows] 293 00:21:23,492 --> 00:21:26,954 -[breathes shakily] -[bottle slams] 294 00:21:27,037 --> 00:21:32,376 There would be times I would look at him and think, "I hate you." 295 00:21:34,711 --> 00:21:39,424 And other times, he was the guy I chose. 296 00:21:39,925 --> 00:21:44,096 Because, boy, I knew he would love you. 297 00:21:48,100 --> 00:21:50,602 Pushing away all those gut warnings 298 00:21:51,103 --> 00:21:53,564 that told me something wasn't quite right with him. 299 00:21:55,274 --> 00:21:56,275 Something. 300 00:21:57,776 --> 00:22:01,405 I didn't see the fissures that led to the quake. 301 00:21:57,776 --> 00:22:01,405 I didn't see the fissures that led to the quake. 302 00:22:03,740 --> 00:22:06,243 I didn't see the reasons he chose me. 303 00:22:12,457 --> 00:22:13,458 Perfect fit. 304 00:22:15,335 --> 00:22:16,920 -[zipper closes] -Wouldn't you know? 305 00:22:30,475 --> 00:22:31,560 He tells me-- 306 00:22:31,643 --> 00:22:35,772 You make me so angry I wanna punch the walls till my fingers are powder! 307 00:22:38,150 --> 00:22:39,318 He also tells me-- 308 00:22:39,401 --> 00:22:42,738 You shine a light on me so strong that I am blinded by it. 309 00:22:43,488 --> 00:22:48,118 We live day-to-day somewhere between those two extremes. 310 00:22:50,162 --> 00:22:52,831 [crowd cheering] 311 00:22:59,213 --> 00:23:01,131 [cheering continues] 312 00:22:59,213 --> 00:23:01,131 [cheering continues] 313 00:23:17,397 --> 00:23:19,983 [thunder rumbles] 314 00:23:21,527 --> 00:23:25,280 -[electricity hisses] -[sirens wailing] 315 00:23:29,076 --> 00:23:32,996 [Lester] Fucking cheap-shit broken city. The hell we paying taxes for? 316 00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:35,958 [Angelica laughs] You never paid a cent to the taxman in your life. 317 00:23:36,041 --> 00:23:37,209 [knocks] 318 00:23:37,292 --> 00:23:38,293 [Lester] Lady! 319 00:23:49,096 --> 00:23:51,056 [sick person groaning] 320 00:24:11,076 --> 00:24:12,494 [LaValle] That's someone's son. 321 00:24:15,330 --> 00:24:16,331 I know. 322 00:24:19,543 --> 00:24:24,256 [sick person breathing heavily, moaning] 323 00:24:30,971 --> 00:24:32,764 [LaValle] Who fills each role? 324 00:24:38,729 --> 00:24:39,730 And why? 325 00:24:47,112 --> 00:24:52,534 [breathes heavily] Thank you. I'm scared of the dark. 326 00:24:53,535 --> 00:24:55,287 The morning always comes. 327 00:24:56,205 --> 00:25:00,959 I was beginning to think I didn't exist. [panting] 328 00:24:56,205 --> 00:25:00,959 I was beginning to think I didn't exist. [panting] 329 00:25:03,128 --> 00:25:04,129 Is this heaven? 330 00:25:06,340 --> 00:25:07,841 The exact opposite. 331 00:25:07,925 --> 00:25:09,927 -[thud] -[Angelica] I want my money back. 332 00:25:10,010 --> 00:25:13,096 I ain't paying for no goddamn room with holes in the ceiling. 333 00:25:13,180 --> 00:25:14,973 Light and heat from candles? 334 00:25:15,057 --> 00:25:17,643 [Lester] No one else would have you in their place, Angelica. 335 00:25:17,726 --> 00:25:22,481 [Angelica] Fuck you, Lester. Fuck you and your shitty-ass excuse of a hotel. 336 00:25:22,564 --> 00:25:23,565 Where's your mama? 337 00:25:24,149 --> 00:25:25,734 She's in Massachusetts. 338 00:25:25,817 --> 00:25:27,361 [Angelica] I'm done with this place. 339 00:25:27,444 --> 00:25:30,697 I'm telling you, I'm taking my business to The Duchess. 340 00:25:30,781 --> 00:25:33,283 -[Lester] I won't miss you. -[Angelica] The Elk Hotel is a haven 341 00:25:33,367 --> 00:25:35,285 for roaches and rat shit. 342 00:25:35,369 --> 00:25:36,870 [stammers] If you get sick at The Elk, 343 00:25:36,954 --> 00:25:40,457 it's from dope smoke and-and mold inhalation. 344 00:25:40,958 --> 00:25:43,710 The service is nil. You come here to die. 345 00:25:44,211 --> 00:25:46,547 -She never leaves. -[Angelica] This here? This is a no-tel. 346 00:25:46,630 --> 00:25:51,844 That's my review. Zero stars! Zero stars, you asshole! 347 00:25:52,511 --> 00:25:56,723 Where I come from, when you get sick, your family takes care of you. 348 00:25:57,349 --> 00:25:59,977 Where I come from, they used to burn witches. 349 00:26:02,312 --> 00:26:03,355 How you end up here? 350 00:26:04,439 --> 00:26:06,358 S-Series of wrong turns. 351 00:26:07,192 --> 00:26:08,318 You shouldn't be alone. 352 00:26:10,529 --> 00:26:12,072 I haven't slept in so long. 353 00:26:14,575 --> 00:26:18,537 When I can't sleep, I pretend my bed is a boat. 354 00:26:19,913 --> 00:26:22,457 And the bed is drifting off to sea. 355 00:26:23,292 --> 00:26:28,380 I have to lie right in the center, no limbs hanging over the sides, 356 00:26:29,089 --> 00:26:34,219 because otherwise a shark might jump up and snatch a foot or an arm. 357 00:26:35,387 --> 00:26:37,598 That doesn't sound very relaxing. 358 00:26:40,017 --> 00:26:41,018 Maybe not. 359 00:26:43,020 --> 00:26:44,188 Why are you staying here? 360 00:26:44,688 --> 00:26:46,064 [Brian] I know what you did. 361 00:26:50,110 --> 00:26:52,196 [sick person breathing heavily] 362 00:26:53,363 --> 00:26:54,573 Can I get you some water? 363 00:26:55,073 --> 00:26:57,201 [breathing heavily] 364 00:26:57,910 --> 00:26:58,911 Anything? 365 00:27:00,579 --> 00:27:01,830 I miss my mom. 366 00:27:04,666 --> 00:27:06,793 [sighs] 367 00:27:09,171 --> 00:27:10,631 I'm gonna die tonight. 368 00:27:20,390 --> 00:27:21,391 Me too. 369 00:27:25,938 --> 00:27:26,939 Came here with Bill. 370 00:27:29,399 --> 00:27:32,236 I told my mom that it was a bunch of us sightseeing. 371 00:27:34,321 --> 00:27:36,198 And Bill told his wife it was business. 372 00:27:37,574 --> 00:27:40,369 We'd heard about it. This thing that had been affecting our people. 373 00:27:40,452 --> 00:27:41,828 Bill was scared. [stammering] 374 00:27:42,913 --> 00:27:45,707 I didn't tell him that I'd started to feel bad. 375 00:27:47,084 --> 00:27:51,380 Badder, because, well, we had tickets to see Lena. 376 00:27:53,465 --> 00:27:56,552 Third row. Right up front. 377 00:27:57,344 --> 00:28:00,806 And the idea of not experiencing her "Stormy Weather," I don't know. 378 00:27:57,344 --> 00:28:00,806 And the idea of not experiencing her "Stormy Weather," I don't know. 379 00:28:02,516 --> 00:28:04,101 The end of the dream was coming anyway, 380 00:28:04,184 --> 00:28:07,855 and not seeing her would somehow mean that it had all meant nothing. 381 00:28:07,938 --> 00:28:10,232 All the anger and the hiding and the confusion. 382 00:28:12,401 --> 00:28:13,819 We came in on a bus. 383 00:28:13,902 --> 00:28:16,613 People must've thought that he was my dad or something. 384 00:28:17,114 --> 00:28:18,115 [chuckles] 385 00:28:19,283 --> 00:28:20,284 Then it happened. 386 00:28:22,202 --> 00:28:25,455 It was really sudden, like a-- like a change in the weather. 387 00:28:25,539 --> 00:28:27,082 Just, the cough got bad, 388 00:28:27,165 --> 00:28:29,459 and the people started staring at me, disgusted. 389 00:28:29,543 --> 00:28:32,754 [stammers] I was running a fever, sweat dripping. 390 00:28:33,547 --> 00:28:35,340 I could see the look in his eyes. 391 00:28:36,842 --> 00:28:37,843 That was two months ago. 392 00:28:37,926 --> 00:28:40,846 We stayed at a nice place and then-- then his wife called. 393 00:28:40,929 --> 00:28:44,266 An emergency. He had to go back, but he would return. 394 00:28:44,349 --> 00:28:46,226 He was gonna come back in time for Lena. 395 00:28:48,020 --> 00:28:49,021 And when he didn't… 396 00:28:51,064 --> 00:28:53,692 I just-- I tore that room apart like a loaded rock star, 397 00:28:53,775 --> 00:28:55,027 looking for those tickets. 398 00:28:56,945 --> 00:28:58,447 Couldn't find them anywhere. 399 00:28:58,530 --> 00:29:01,074 I didn't have much money. I kept having these blackouts. 400 00:28:58,530 --> 00:29:01,074 I didn't have much money. I kept having these blackouts. 401 00:29:01,158 --> 00:29:02,993 I know I should have used what I had left. 402 00:29:03,076 --> 00:29:04,077 I know I should've. 403 00:29:04,161 --> 00:29:06,038 I should've got a bus back home. 404 00:29:06,622 --> 00:29:07,748 But I couldn't do it. 405 00:29:08,749 --> 00:29:09,750 I couldn't. 406 00:29:10,459 --> 00:29:12,085 I couldn't do that to my mom. 407 00:29:14,254 --> 00:29:16,131 Just imagine what that would do to her. 408 00:29:16,632 --> 00:29:20,260 You know, seeing the perfect body that she delivered into the world 409 00:29:20,344 --> 00:29:21,845 all rotted and ruined. 410 00:29:25,974 --> 00:29:28,977 So I found this place, and I gave Lester the rest of my cash. 411 00:29:32,439 --> 00:29:34,650 I get that he has a wife and all that stuff. 412 00:29:36,276 --> 00:29:37,319 I get it. 413 00:29:37,945 --> 00:29:38,946 But I wish… 414 00:29:40,697 --> 00:29:41,990 I just wish I could… 415 00:29:43,951 --> 00:29:46,578 I don't even mind it all ending up here in this room. 416 00:29:47,162 --> 00:29:49,790 But I wish I could have seen her sing "Stormy Weather." 417 00:29:51,416 --> 00:29:53,877 I wish I had that image in my mind… 418 00:29:55,504 --> 00:29:58,549 so that I could just picture it at the exact last moment. 419 00:29:59,383 --> 00:30:00,384 You know? 420 00:29:59,383 --> 00:30:00,384 You know? 421 00:30:02,094 --> 00:30:05,055 Like I could just imagine Lena just holding that last note 422 00:30:05,138 --> 00:30:06,723 as the curtains finally close. 423 00:30:17,025 --> 00:30:19,403 [singing "Stormy Weather"] 424 00:32:19,815 --> 00:32:21,817 [singing continues] 425 00:33:49,738 --> 00:33:53,033 [rain pattering] 426 00:34:30,152 --> 00:34:31,196 Sleep tight. 427 00:34:37,327 --> 00:34:38,328 [blows] 428 00:35:27,044 --> 00:35:29,505 [LaValle] No. She would not pray. 429 00:35:29,588 --> 00:35:30,881 No god of mine. 430 00:35:32,591 --> 00:35:37,346 [Angelica screams] 431 00:35:37,429 --> 00:35:38,430 [Lester] Angelica! 432 00:35:38,514 --> 00:35:39,973 [Angelica strains] 433 00:35:40,057 --> 00:35:41,058 [Lester] Angelica! 434 00:35:41,141 --> 00:35:42,601 [chokes] 435 00:35:42,684 --> 00:35:44,728 [Angelica] Help me. Help me. 436 00:35:44,811 --> 00:35:46,563 -[William] Hey, man! Get outta here! -[Lester] Hey! Let go now. 437 00:35:46,647 --> 00:35:48,482 -[Lester] Let her go right now. -This has nothing to do with you. 438 00:35:48,565 --> 00:35:50,150 No one's ever gonna see you again. 439 00:35:50,234 --> 00:35:51,652 -You're gonna find yourself… -I paid. 440 00:35:51,735 --> 00:35:54,112 …stuffed in a suitcase at the bottom of a river. Get up! 441 00:35:54,196 --> 00:35:56,073 -Get up! -Whoa! Hey. 442 00:35:56,156 --> 00:35:57,741 Hey, man. Come on. 443 00:35:57,824 --> 00:36:00,494 Hey. Dude! Put it down! 444 00:35:57,824 --> 00:36:00,494 Hey. Dude! Put it down! 445 00:36:00,577 --> 00:36:01,954 [Lester] I'm gonna give you a shot to get outta here. 446 00:36:02,037 --> 00:36:04,873 If you don't take it, you see that stain on the wall over there? 447 00:36:04,957 --> 00:36:06,708 That's gonna be what's left of you too. 448 00:36:06,792 --> 00:36:08,335 Now, go! Go! 449 00:36:08,877 --> 00:36:10,754 [sobbing] 450 00:36:10,838 --> 00:36:12,881 -[gasps, shouting] -Angelica. It's okay. 451 00:36:12,965 --> 00:36:14,800 -It's okay. I got you. -[Angelica cries] 452 00:36:14,883 --> 00:36:17,177 [Lester] It's okay. It's okay. He's gone. 453 00:36:17,261 --> 00:36:18,262 I got you. 454 00:36:19,096 --> 00:36:22,558 Who's gonna come find me? 455 00:36:22,641 --> 00:36:24,017 [Angelica cries] 456 00:36:24,101 --> 00:36:25,477 I don't exist. 457 00:36:25,561 --> 00:36:29,022 You do. I'm looking at you. You're right where you need to be. 458 00:36:29,773 --> 00:36:33,735 -[breathes heavily] -I got you. I got you. 459 00:36:42,327 --> 00:36:43,745 [LaValle] What would happen to her? 460 00:36:44,246 --> 00:36:45,789 What would she tell Apollo? 461 00:36:45,873 --> 00:36:47,165 How would she tell him? 462 00:36:49,626 --> 00:36:52,421 -[young Apollo cries] -[young Lillian] I'm coming for you! 463 00:36:54,214 --> 00:36:56,133 Who's gonna help you shoot a basket? 464 00:36:57,926 --> 00:37:01,471 Who's gonna teach you the rules of American sport games? 465 00:36:57,926 --> 00:37:01,471 Who's gonna teach you the rules of American sport games? 466 00:37:01,555 --> 00:37:03,724 Sandcastles I can do. 467 00:37:04,308 --> 00:37:05,767 Changing light-bulbs. 468 00:37:05,851 --> 00:37:08,187 Removing spiders from tubs. 469 00:37:08,270 --> 00:37:11,690 But handmade Father's Day projects at school? 470 00:37:11,773 --> 00:37:13,317 What if something happens to me? 471 00:37:14,651 --> 00:37:16,236 What if I die in the night? 472 00:37:16,862 --> 00:37:18,530 No one will come for you. 473 00:37:19,031 --> 00:37:21,867 Because no one knows you're alone. [sniffling] 474 00:37:24,244 --> 00:37:25,996 [sniffles, sighs] 475 00:37:28,624 --> 00:37:31,877 How do you tell a child his daddy isn't coming back? 476 00:37:37,758 --> 00:37:41,762 Apollo, you felt he didn't want you, 477 00:37:42,721 --> 00:37:44,681 but it was precisely the opposite. 478 00:37:45,766 --> 00:37:47,184 He wanted you too much. 479 00:37:54,316 --> 00:37:57,778 You shine a light on me so strong, I am blinded by it. 480 00:37:57,861 --> 00:37:58,862 [young Lillian chuckles] 481 00:37:58,946 --> 00:38:00,239 [Lillian] I need to explain. 482 00:37:58,946 --> 00:38:00,239 [Lillian] I need to explain. 483 00:38:00,989 --> 00:38:02,199 I need an explanation. 484 00:38:02,866 --> 00:38:04,243 It was a really hot day. 485 00:38:04,826 --> 00:38:05,827 Humid too. 486 00:38:06,870 --> 00:38:10,499 We took the tramway to Roosevelt Island to have a picnic by the water. 487 00:38:11,917 --> 00:38:13,168 [young Lillian] Tuna salad. 488 00:38:14,461 --> 00:38:16,338 Huh. Kinda boring, huh? 489 00:38:17,172 --> 00:38:19,007 -[chuckles] -[young Lillian] What did you say? 490 00:38:19,091 --> 00:38:20,509 [Brian] I ain't say nothing. 491 00:38:20,592 --> 00:38:23,554 And it was the first time he didn't say anything that wasn't, 492 00:38:24,054 --> 00:38:25,722 "Oh, Lillian, you're so beautiful." 493 00:38:26,223 --> 00:38:28,767 "Lillian, you are a rose in a landfill." 494 00:38:28,851 --> 00:38:31,812 Hey, Lillian, you know this whole island used to be an insane asylum? 495 00:38:31,895 --> 00:38:33,772 -No. -Yeah. 496 00:38:34,273 --> 00:38:35,649 Luxury apartments now. 497 00:38:36,441 --> 00:38:37,442 Probably haunted, huh? 498 00:38:37,943 --> 00:38:39,820 -[young Lillian] Hmm. -Hey, you see that right there, 499 00:38:39,903 --> 00:38:41,405 -the-- that lighthouse? -Mm-hmm. 500 00:38:41,488 --> 00:38:42,614 That lighthouse right there, 501 00:38:42,698 --> 00:38:45,242 that used to light the way for the ships bringing in the wackos. 502 00:38:45,325 --> 00:38:47,327 -Mmm. -You know, you're pretty crazy. 503 00:38:47,411 --> 00:38:49,288 -[scoffs] -You are certifiable. 504 00:38:49,371 --> 00:38:51,790 -[chuckles] -I'd get you put in there. I could. 505 00:38:51,874 --> 00:38:52,875 You know, back in the day, 506 00:38:52,958 --> 00:38:56,712 husbands, they would have their wives put in that place for, like, masturbation… 507 00:38:56,795 --> 00:38:59,798 [chuckles] …or menstrual problems, or even smoking. [laughs] 508 00:39:00,632 --> 00:39:03,093 -Except it's not funny, is it? -Mmm. 509 00:39:03,177 --> 00:39:04,720 If you're one of those women? 510 00:39:04,803 --> 00:39:08,599 [LaValle] Novel reading, ill-treatment by a husband, laziness, 511 00:39:08,682 --> 00:39:12,186 political excitement, asthma, bad company. 512 00:39:12,686 --> 00:39:16,899 You know, if something like that ever happened to you, no one would know. 513 00:39:18,108 --> 00:39:21,111 Like, your family and that, you know, because they're all gone. 514 00:39:21,987 --> 00:39:22,988 So sad. 515 00:39:24,990 --> 00:39:26,575 [Lillian] And it felt like a threat… 516 00:39:27,826 --> 00:39:30,037 and I felt a door shut inside of me. 517 00:39:31,538 --> 00:39:32,998 It's my fault… 518 00:39:35,042 --> 00:39:38,086 that I didn't listen to words said over tuna salad 519 00:39:39,713 --> 00:39:41,632 on the banks of Roosevelt Island. 520 00:39:42,341 --> 00:39:43,342 His and theirs. 521 00:39:43,425 --> 00:39:46,512 [chanters] A storm is coming. A storm is coming. 522 00:39:46,595 --> 00:39:48,096 A storm is coming. 523 00:39:49,473 --> 00:39:50,891 A storm is coming. 524 00:39:52,226 --> 00:39:53,685 A storm is coming. 525 00:39:56,313 --> 00:39:58,190 If I could teach you anything, 526 00:40:00,067 --> 00:40:01,485 it's to look for the signs. 527 00:40:03,779 --> 00:40:04,780 He said… 528 00:40:04,863 --> 00:40:05,948 You don't exist. 529 00:40:06,031 --> 00:40:07,199 Excuse me? 530 00:40:07,282 --> 00:40:08,116 Hmm? 531 00:40:08,200 --> 00:40:10,327 [Lillian] And I started living in a kind of fear. 532 00:40:11,662 --> 00:40:14,122 He really didn't do anything wrong though. 533 00:40:15,249 --> 00:40:16,583 Apollo, know that. 534 00:40:17,876 --> 00:40:21,964 Not until-- Until he said… 535 00:40:30,472 --> 00:40:31,557 [door closes] 536 00:40:37,271 --> 00:40:39,022 [young Lillian] Apollo's finally sleeping. 537 00:40:39,857 --> 00:40:40,941 [Brian] Knock, knock. 538 00:40:41,024 --> 00:40:42,025 Who's there? 539 00:40:42,651 --> 00:40:43,944 Uh, banana. 540 00:40:44,444 --> 00:40:45,904 -[Lillian] Sometimes when I was sad… -Banana who? 541 00:40:45,988 --> 00:40:48,323 -[Brian] Knock, knock. -…he would tell jokes, make me smile. 542 00:40:48,407 --> 00:40:49,908 -[young Lillian] Who's there? -[Brian] Banana. 543 00:40:49,992 --> 00:40:50,993 [young Lillian] Banana who? 544 00:40:51,076 --> 00:40:52,911 [Lillian] He was funny and sweet like that. 545 00:40:52,995 --> 00:40:54,162 Who's there? 546 00:40:54,246 --> 00:40:55,497 Orange. 547 00:40:55,581 --> 00:40:56,582 Orange who? 548 00:40:57,499 --> 00:40:59,251 Orange you glad I didn't say banana? 549 00:40:59,334 --> 00:41:01,837 [young Lillian laughs] 550 00:40:59,334 --> 00:41:01,837 [young Lillian laughs] 551 00:41:01,920 --> 00:41:02,921 Hey, Lillian. 552 00:41:03,005 --> 00:41:04,006 Hmm? 553 00:41:05,841 --> 00:41:07,885 I will know you until we are dust. 554 00:41:09,094 --> 00:41:11,138 Why does that sound like a threat? 555 00:41:11,638 --> 00:41:13,724 [LaValle] He'd found the receipt and confronted her. 556 00:41:13,807 --> 00:41:15,267 She'd sworn up and down 557 00:41:15,350 --> 00:41:19,479 she didn't know where that bill for a stay at The Elk Hotel on 9th and 42nd 558 00:41:19,563 --> 00:41:20,564 had come from. 559 00:41:20,647 --> 00:41:23,275 -We'd just got together, Lillian. -I don't know what this is. 560 00:41:23,358 --> 00:41:25,277 [LaValle] An affair in this shitty hotel? 561 00:41:26,111 --> 00:41:26,987 Laughable. 562 00:41:27,070 --> 00:41:28,655 He thought it was her boss. 563 00:41:28,739 --> 00:41:29,740 Charles Blackwood. 564 00:41:33,243 --> 00:41:34,953 -[LaValle] As if. -[laughs] 565 00:41:35,037 --> 00:41:38,081 [LaValle] As if she would deign to spend time in a place like this 566 00:41:39,291 --> 00:41:40,918 with a man like that. 567 00:41:41,001 --> 00:41:42,294 He's married. 568 00:41:42,377 --> 00:41:43,504 With two children. 569 00:41:43,587 --> 00:41:45,797 Oh, yeah? You sure know a lot about him, huh? 570 00:41:45,881 --> 00:41:48,258 He keeps their pictures on his desk. 571 00:41:49,593 --> 00:41:51,970 You started saying he was knocking at the door. 572 00:41:52,054 --> 00:41:53,096 [Brian] Knock, knock. 573 00:41:53,889 --> 00:41:55,641 I go back to work when you are two months old. 574 00:41:55,724 --> 00:41:56,725 I have to. 575 00:41:57,351 --> 00:41:59,937 I'm shattered from getting up through the night to feed you, 576 00:42:00,020 --> 00:42:01,563 and then working, and then home. 577 00:42:03,023 --> 00:42:04,066 I got angry. 578 00:42:04,775 --> 00:42:05,817 I scolded him. 579 00:42:06,818 --> 00:42:07,945 I withdrew. 580 00:42:08,862 --> 00:42:11,281 I planned. I plotted my escape. 581 00:42:12,407 --> 00:42:15,202 Apollo, if you ever have a child, 582 00:42:15,827 --> 00:42:19,456 the cruelest act is to rip him from his mother, months old, 583 00:42:19,957 --> 00:42:21,542 and have her go back to work. 584 00:42:22,960 --> 00:42:24,419 Don't ever do that, Apollo. 585 00:42:24,503 --> 00:42:26,046 Unless you wanna see crazy. 586 00:42:26,129 --> 00:42:27,214 [Brian] Knock, knock! 587 00:42:27,756 --> 00:42:28,757 We split up. 588 00:42:29,258 --> 00:42:30,634 That part's obvious. 589 00:42:30,717 --> 00:42:32,594 And now I see him in every color. 590 00:42:33,554 --> 00:42:35,222 [Brian] You are screwed now, girl. 591 00:42:35,305 --> 00:42:37,474 -You're going to wake my baby. -"My baby"? 592 00:42:37,558 --> 00:42:39,643 [Lillian] I'm petrified he will take my child from me. 593 00:42:39,726 --> 00:42:41,270 And I will never see you again. 594 00:42:41,353 --> 00:42:42,813 Everything seems lost. 595 00:42:42,896 --> 00:42:43,814 [stammers] 596 00:42:43,897 --> 00:42:45,858 He's the American I would kill to be. 597 00:42:47,025 --> 00:42:48,068 He has all the power. 598 00:42:49,611 --> 00:42:51,029 You're just like my mother. 599 00:42:51,113 --> 00:42:52,489 That's a stinging cut. 600 00:42:52,573 --> 00:42:55,868 I take the little scar, and I add it to my collection of little scars… 601 00:42:55,951 --> 00:42:57,369 [pants] …and I'm panicking. 602 00:42:57,870 --> 00:43:02,249 He speaks to me in this wary tone, because he's convinced himself I'm crazy. 603 00:42:57,870 --> 00:43:02,249 He speaks to me in this wary tone, because he's convinced himself I'm crazy. 604 00:43:02,332 --> 00:43:05,878 He has to believe it, so he can amputate me and take you. 605 00:43:06,420 --> 00:43:07,629 I would like to say… 606 00:43:07,713 --> 00:43:09,923 Fuck you! Who do you think you are? 607 00:43:10,007 --> 00:43:11,008 But I can't. 608 00:43:11,508 --> 00:43:13,468 I would like to smash him in the fucking face, 609 00:43:13,552 --> 00:43:15,053 but he's the American. 610 00:43:15,137 --> 00:43:17,306 No one's coming to get you, Lillian. You understand that? 611 00:43:17,389 --> 00:43:20,851 It is simple. Nobody's coming to get you because no one who loves you is left. 612 00:43:23,187 --> 00:43:24,646 And then the earthquake erupts. 613 00:43:25,314 --> 00:43:29,902 He's come to visit you. It's a Saturday, and he finds this hotel bill. 614 00:43:30,444 --> 00:43:34,448 And I can't imagine where he found it unless he planted it on me himself. 615 00:43:34,531 --> 00:43:36,783 He's raging, even though we're not together anymore. 616 00:43:36,867 --> 00:43:38,285 He's out of his mind. 617 00:43:39,203 --> 00:43:42,748 The vein bulging in his neck. His eyes on fire. 618 00:43:42,831 --> 00:43:45,918 He's saying if he can't have me, no one can. 619 00:43:46,001 --> 00:43:48,378 No other man is raising my son! 620 00:43:48,462 --> 00:43:49,505 [young Lillian] Your son? 621 00:43:49,588 --> 00:43:51,632 My son. I will take you to court. 622 00:43:51,715 --> 00:43:53,008 I will finish you, Lillian. 623 00:43:53,091 --> 00:43:55,511 You say goodbye. It is all over. 624 00:43:55,594 --> 00:43:58,805 I would never! Could never! Have never! 625 00:43:59,723 --> 00:44:01,266 When would I even have the time? 626 00:43:59,723 --> 00:44:01,266 When would I even have the time? 627 00:44:01,767 --> 00:44:04,520 What do you imagine sleeping with my boss would actually do for me? 628 00:44:04,603 --> 00:44:07,856 Liar! Liar! Liar! 629 00:44:08,440 --> 00:44:09,900 You're all glamour, Lillian. 630 00:44:09,983 --> 00:44:12,986 You only appear as you wish to be seen! 631 00:44:16,323 --> 00:44:18,033 And then I come home one day. 632 00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:21,870 I've bought a Happy Meal for you. 633 00:44:22,788 --> 00:44:24,414 You always ate the fries first. 634 00:44:26,917 --> 00:44:27,918 I come home… 635 00:44:31,129 --> 00:44:34,258 and I see something I can never unsee. 636 00:44:34,842 --> 00:44:36,969 -[young Apollo screams] -[Brian yelling] 637 00:44:37,052 --> 00:44:38,053 [breathes shakily] 638 00:44:38,136 --> 00:44:40,180 And so I turn off the light. 639 00:44:41,723 --> 00:44:44,434 [Brian] Our bed was a boat when we cannot sleep. 640 00:44:44,518 --> 00:44:48,438 But you, Lillian, you were the shark. 641 00:44:49,731 --> 00:44:50,732 [LaValle] A cop? 642 00:44:51,400 --> 00:44:53,777 A white American cop, of all people? 643 00:44:54,653 --> 00:44:57,489 They would burn her for what she'd done. They would vanish her. 644 00:44:58,073 --> 00:44:59,658 You are a fucking liar! 645 00:44:59,741 --> 00:45:00,909 But he's the American. 646 00:44:59,741 --> 00:45:00,909 But he's the American. 647 00:45:00,993 --> 00:45:04,371 [LaValle] Like the women before her and the witches before them. 648 00:45:05,038 --> 00:45:06,373 I'm coming for you! 649 00:45:06,456 --> 00:45:08,083 -[young Apollo cries] -[Brian grunts] 650 00:45:09,251 --> 00:45:10,252 [strains] 651 00:45:11,587 --> 00:45:14,590 [breathes heavily] 652 00:45:16,758 --> 00:45:17,885 [rain pattering] 653 00:45:17,968 --> 00:45:18,969 The answer is no. 654 00:45:20,846 --> 00:45:22,222 I can never be enough. 655 00:45:23,891 --> 00:45:27,269 The mom I want to be is not the mom I am. 656 00:45:31,023 --> 00:45:32,900 What I've taken from you, Son. 657 00:45:32,983 --> 00:45:34,776 -[young Apollo] Mommy! -[Brian, Lillian grunt] 658 00:45:35,986 --> 00:45:37,404 What I've erased. 659 00:45:40,616 --> 00:45:42,784 [breathes shakily] 660 00:45:46,163 --> 00:45:47,873 The mom I am is just like he said-- 661 00:45:49,416 --> 00:45:51,126 The mom I am-- 662 00:45:51,210 --> 00:45:53,045 -[young Lillian] The mom I am-- -[Lillian] Hey! 663 00:45:53,128 --> 00:45:55,797 -[yelps, breathes heavily] -No. 664 00:45:56,715 --> 00:45:58,926 No. No, no. 665 00:45:59,510 --> 00:46:01,803 This is not how Lillian's story ends. 666 00:45:59,510 --> 00:46:01,803 This is not how Lillian's story ends. 667 00:46:01,887 --> 00:46:02,888 [cries] 668 00:46:02,971 --> 00:46:05,432 [Lillian] She came inside and closed the window. 669 00:46:07,559 --> 00:46:10,771 Imagine the cheek of asking someone to scrape you off the sidewalk. 670 00:46:10,854 --> 00:46:13,273 [cries] I can't. I can't. 671 00:46:13,357 --> 00:46:15,442 She came inside. Oh, my God. 672 00:46:21,949 --> 00:46:23,659 [young Lillian cries] 673 00:46:27,246 --> 00:46:28,413 Who are you? 674 00:46:28,497 --> 00:46:29,831 Bad things in this world. 675 00:46:30,874 --> 00:46:32,709 But nothing so bad is worth that fall. 676 00:46:33,627 --> 00:46:35,128 Brian West doesn't win! 677 00:46:35,212 --> 00:46:37,798 [breathing heavily] 678 00:46:37,881 --> 00:46:39,591 Just a dark night of the soul. 679 00:46:39,675 --> 00:46:42,553 Lillian had lost her connection to anything higher. 680 00:46:42,636 --> 00:46:44,888 [young Lillian breathing heavily, crying] 681 00:46:44,972 --> 00:46:48,517 [Lillian] A dark night calls for a spiritual response. 682 00:46:49,893 --> 00:46:52,354 Are you God? [breathing heavily] 683 00:46:53,355 --> 00:46:54,356 A lady God? 684 00:46:56,817 --> 00:46:57,818 I knew it. 685 00:47:00,988 --> 00:47:02,447 Are you here to punish me? 686 00:47:03,198 --> 00:47:07,369 [Jajja] Lillian, ask help from the spirits 687 00:47:07,452 --> 00:47:10,247 when you have used all your strength. 688 00:47:11,039 --> 00:47:14,585 [young Lillian cries] 689 00:47:15,085 --> 00:47:17,296 Do you think you should be punished, Lillian? 690 00:47:17,379 --> 00:47:18,380 [young Lillian groans] 691 00:47:19,464 --> 00:47:21,133 Haven't you always felt that? 692 00:47:22,968 --> 00:47:23,969 Because you left. 693 00:47:27,264 --> 00:47:30,350 Because you survived. 694 00:47:32,186 --> 00:47:34,771 Because of the lie you told to your husband and child? 695 00:47:34,855 --> 00:47:36,565 [cries] 696 00:47:37,107 --> 00:47:38,609 [Lillian] For all you've done? 697 00:47:39,359 --> 00:47:40,569 Should you be punished? 698 00:47:42,196 --> 00:47:43,572 [young Lillian] I'll believe. 699 00:47:44,281 --> 00:47:46,950 I promise I'll believe. 700 00:47:48,035 --> 00:47:50,370 Hail Mary, full of grace. 701 00:47:51,997 --> 00:47:53,415 The Lord, uh-- 702 00:47:53,498 --> 00:47:54,791 Blessed is-- 703 00:47:55,876 --> 00:47:57,044 I don't know this one. 704 00:47:57,127 --> 00:47:59,922 Attempting to leave your son alone in this world? 705 00:48:00,005 --> 00:48:01,089 [young Lillian whimpers] 706 00:48:01,173 --> 00:48:02,341 Should you be punished? 707 00:48:04,468 --> 00:48:06,845 [breathes shakily] 708 00:48:06,929 --> 00:48:08,138 I'll make a deal with you. 709 00:48:10,057 --> 00:48:12,809 Please, I'll do anything. 710 00:48:15,187 --> 00:48:16,813 Are you here to tell me what to do? 711 00:48:17,731 --> 00:48:21,944 Lillian wondered, was there another woman somewhere 712 00:48:22,027 --> 00:48:23,237 on her knees, 713 00:48:24,071 --> 00:48:27,950 making a deal for the son that was lying in room 200? 714 00:48:30,911 --> 00:48:31,954 I won't leave. 715 00:48:34,164 --> 00:48:35,165 I am his mother. 716 00:48:37,793 --> 00:48:39,253 That's all I ever need to be. 717 00:48:40,921 --> 00:48:41,922 I'll be a good one. 718 00:48:43,465 --> 00:48:44,466 I promise. 719 00:48:44,550 --> 00:48:46,093 I'll be the best one I can be. 720 00:48:49,096 --> 00:48:50,138 I'll do anything. 721 00:48:53,392 --> 00:48:56,270 If you let me get away with this thing. 722 00:49:00,482 --> 00:49:04,152 If you-- If you make it go away, somehow. 723 00:49:06,989 --> 00:49:08,490 These deals we make, 724 00:49:10,325 --> 00:49:11,326 they're real. 725 00:49:11,827 --> 00:49:12,828 [sighs] 726 00:49:14,037 --> 00:49:19,543 What Lillian didn't know was that 35 years from this very day, 727 00:49:20,127 --> 00:49:22,754 Apollo Kagwa would pay the price 728 00:49:22,838 --> 00:49:25,132 for the bargain his mother made in this room. 729 00:49:29,219 --> 00:49:30,220 What did you say? 730 00:49:30,304 --> 00:49:31,388 Hmm? 731 00:49:31,471 --> 00:49:32,472 Nothing. 732 00:49:32,973 --> 00:49:34,683 The gods will take what they are owed. 733 00:49:35,225 --> 00:49:37,269 [Lester] You're gonna find yourself stuffed in a suitcase 734 00:49:37,352 --> 00:49:38,604 at the bottom of a river. 735 00:49:45,611 --> 00:49:46,945 And then it came to Lillian. 736 00:49:47,613 --> 00:49:51,742 The answer to her problem had been in this room all along. 737 00:49:53,035 --> 00:49:55,120 -She didn't need to confess. -[sighs] 738 00:49:55,621 --> 00:49:57,372 [Lillian] She didn't need to call the police. 739 00:49:58,624 --> 00:50:00,542 She didn't need to tell Apollo. 740 00:49:58,624 --> 00:50:00,542 She didn't need to tell Apollo. 741 00:50:01,126 --> 00:50:04,338 She can make it go away all herself. 742 00:50:04,421 --> 00:50:06,381 [Brian] Oh, I know what you did, Lillian. I know! 743 00:50:06,465 --> 00:50:07,633 Do be quiet! 744 00:50:07,716 --> 00:50:09,635 You don't get to win, asshole. 745 00:50:12,429 --> 00:50:13,680 Lillian realized 746 00:50:15,015 --> 00:50:19,561 that no one in the whole wide world needed to know. 747 00:50:19,645 --> 00:50:20,771 Ever. 748 00:50:21,647 --> 00:50:24,942 She would go carefully, thoroughly. 749 00:50:26,068 --> 00:50:27,778 She had decided to eat the dog, 750 00:50:28,987 --> 00:50:32,533 and it was indeed a fat one. 751 00:50:35,953 --> 00:50:37,996 But for all his talk, 752 00:50:38,080 --> 00:50:44,628 Brian hadn't anyone who cared whether he was alive or dead either. 753 00:50:50,050 --> 00:50:52,928 [sighs] There is nothing we will not do… 754 00:50:53,011 --> 00:50:54,763 [both] For the ones we love. 755 00:51:01,228 --> 00:51:05,524 Lillian remembered a long-ago promise. 756 00:51:07,025 --> 00:51:08,777 One she'd forgotten she made. 757 00:51:12,656 --> 00:51:15,158 I will never let anything happen to you. 758 00:51:17,995 --> 00:51:21,790 I will protect you with my breath and soul. 759 00:51:23,333 --> 00:51:25,252 With every molecule. 760 00:51:27,713 --> 00:51:32,301 [breathes deeply] 761 00:51:44,271 --> 00:51:45,898 And she kept that promise. 762 00:51:49,151 --> 00:51:51,737 She was the mother she had vowed to be. 763 00:51:55,032 --> 00:51:58,619 And look, the sun is peeking through. 764 00:52:01,288 --> 00:52:03,081 Time to turn the light back on. 765 00:53:34,256 --> 00:53:37,259 ["Solid Love" playing] 766 00:53:54,026 --> 00:53:58,113 [Lillian] Lillian could finally believe that things were going to be better 767 00:53:58,197 --> 00:54:02,618 than they'd been since the day she stepped foot on this country's soil. 768 00:53:58,197 --> 00:54:02,618 than they'd been since the day she stepped foot on this country's soil. 769 00:54:03,202 --> 00:54:06,163 She felt American. 770 00:56:01,778 --> 00:56:05,282 [LaValle] It would be accurate to say that Lillian's first child-- 771 00:56:05,365 --> 00:56:06,533 and only child-- 772 00:56:07,284 --> 00:56:10,913 was conceived in the beautiful blur of 1977. 773 00:56:16,084 --> 00:56:20,088 In America, we rewrite history by erasing it. 774 00:56:25,928 --> 00:56:27,930 But history will not stay buried, 775 00:56:29,014 --> 00:56:30,724 deals cannot be unmade, 776 00:56:32,017 --> 00:56:33,852 and gods will take their pay.