1
00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:05,560
SNORING

2
00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:09,360
ALISON SIGHS

3
00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:23,360
ALISON EXHALES

4
00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:27,160
Morning, guys.

5
00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:56,800
Julian?

6
00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:04,880
Robin?

7
00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,560
Hmm.

8
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:18,920
Fanny?

9
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,840
They can't all just...

10
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,160
Mike! Oh, my...

11
00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:40,480
DOOR SHUTS

12
00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:42,440
It's the ghosts. What now?

13
00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:44,120
I can't see them any more.

14
00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:45,240
I...

15
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:46,800
I c-can't see them any more.

16
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:49,280
What do you mean?

17
00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:51,440
My gift, it's...

18
00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:53,320
It's gone.
I can't see ghosts any more.

19
00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,600
ALL: April Fools!

20
00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:01,840
GHOSTS CHUCKLE

21
00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:03,720
CHUCKLING DIES AWAY

22
00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:05,880
SOBS

23
00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:11,160
Is she laughing?

24
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:13,880
Are you laughing?

25
00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:15,960
CONTINUES SOBBING

26
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:18,000
I don't think she's laughing.

27
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,640
Ali? Are you OK?

28
00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:45,920
Yeah, fine.

29
00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:47,480
You?

30
00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:50,320
Yeah. Yeah, you just seemed
a bit upset earlier.

31
00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,160
No, no, no, no. All good.

32
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:53,800
Yeah? Yeah. OK.

33
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,200
Don't worry.
I'm going to have the last laugh.

34
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:59,560
Right. Cool. So, um, I've been
going over our finances,

35
00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:02,960
and the spreadsheet's
not looking good.

36
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,960
Oh, God, no. OK, maybe if you,
like, right-align the columns

37
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,560
and then you put the headings
in bold, that will at least...

38
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,840
Obviously, I'm talking about
the numbers. OK. Hmm.

39
00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:12,560
Without the income
from the gatehouse,

40
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,800
even with functions,
it's going to be tight. Mm-hm.

41
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:16,920
Mmm. The insurance from the fire
should get us back

42
00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:18,760
on an even keel, but beyond that,

43
00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:21,360
we're going to struggle
to stay in the green.

44
00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,800
Black? What's the opposite of red?
Blue?

45
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,600
Stay in the blue? Stay in the b...

46
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,640
Are you even listening? Hmm?

47
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,240
This is important. Yeah. No, no, no.

48
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,120
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know, I know. I just...

49
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,640
Could we deal with this
this afternoon?

50
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:36,720
Just cos there's something I need to
focus on until, like, midday.

51
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:38,840
Mm. Is it playing
an April Fools' prank

52
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,520
on a bunch of dead people? Maybe?

53
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:42,160
It isn't not that.

54
00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,640
Right, OK, well, the second
you get even with them,

55
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,320
I'm going to need your undivided...

56
00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:47,520
Do we own a saw?

57
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:54,000
PIERCING SCREAM

58
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:07,320
BIRD CAWS

59
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,320
SCREAMS

60
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,040
GRUNTS

61
00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,080
Oh, not you.

62
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,360
GRUNTS

63
00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:25,840
Oh...

64
00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:30,360
LADY BUTTON: It was yellow!
Oh, no.

65
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:31,840
CAPTAIN: The greenfinch IS yellow,

66
00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:33,560
but not as yellow
as a yellow finch.

67
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,440
Oh, it's ridiculous.
Who do I write to?

68
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:36,600
Well...

69
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,440
GHOSTS GUFFAW AND LAUGH

70
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:43,120
That the best you can do?

71
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:46,200
Nice try! Better luck next month!

72
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:49,880
PAT: Oh, for the last time,
there is no May Fools' Day!

73
00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:52,640
GHOSTS CHATTER HAPPILY

74
00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:59,760
HUMPHREY: Ah! Impaled
by a fence post, was it?

75
00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:02,800
Hmm? Oh, well, yeah.
I mean, that was the idea,

76
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:04,360
but probably a bit far-fetched.

77
00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:05,720
Stranger things have happened.

78
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:07,080
I suppose so.

79
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,120
Hmm. Yeah, well...

80
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:10,240
It was worth a try.

81
00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:12,640
So that's it, is it? Giving up?

82
00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,080
Well, unless you have an idea?

83
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,280
Idea? No, no. No.

84
00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:18,600
OK. Ideas?

85
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,160
You betcha.

86
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:23,600
I'm listening.

87
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,440
I just think maybe you put
all your eggs in one basket

88
00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:28,400
when it might be easier,

89
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:31,040
dare I say more satisfying,

90
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,240
to pick them off one by one.

91
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:36,080
I mean, between us,
we know them all pretty well.

92
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:39,560
I'm sure we could work out
which buttons to press.

93
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:41,080
What's in it for you?

94
00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,760
To that lot, I'm just a punch line.

95
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,240
A punchbag. A football.

96
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,880
Then there was that time
they stuck me up on that high shelf.

97
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,600
When was that? Tuesday. Ah...

98
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:55,760
Mmm. I just think that maybe we're
both due a little payback,

99
00:05:55,760 --> 00:06:00,880
and as I understand it,
until midday on this particular day,

100
00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,040
anything goes.

101
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,120
Hmm. Hmm.

102
00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,560
Right. Thomas.

103
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,560
Need a hand with the wording?
No. No, no.

104
00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:10,960
I've got this one.

105
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,600
Start with the low-hanging fruit.

106
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:15,720
Oh! Talking of which - Kitty.

107
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:18,800
Hmm. Erm...

108
00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:20,800
OK, OK. Here's an idea.

109
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:23,880
Now, it might be a bit complicated,
so just bear with me,

110
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,280
but what if we told her
there was a balloon...?

111
00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:28,240
There's a balloon? Where?

112
00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:29,920
No...
Everyone, there's a balloon!

113
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,520
Kitty, April Fo...

114
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:33,320
No. OK. No, she's gone.
KITTY MUMBLES

115
00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:36,160
Well, I guess that's one
off the list,

116
00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,280
and we've three hours to go.

117
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:39,600
This is going to be easy!

118
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,760
CHUCKLES
OK.

119
00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:47,080
"Meet me in the wood store

120
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,560
"at 10am."
LAUGHS

121
00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:51,560
Time to go and bait the trap.

122
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,440
Send him my love!
CHUCKLES

123
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,280
HUMS CHEERFULLY

124
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,080
GASPS

125
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,720
DOORBELL RINGS

126
00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:48,800
Alison!

127
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,680
Mr Cooper? That's right.

128
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:57,280
Joy Kielty, Irish Friendly.

129
00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:58,680
I'm Mike Cooper.

130
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:00,720
English. Also friendly.

131
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:04,120
No, I'm from Irish Friendly,
your insurance company.

132
00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:06,800
You put a claim in for a fire
at your guesthouse.

133
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,880
Right. Sorry. We didn't know
you were coming... Alison!

134
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,120
No. Well, I'm a loss adjuster.

135
00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:15,360
OK. And does our loss
need...adjusting?

136
00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:16,560
It means...

137
00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:18,760
Well, we don't use the term
investigator.

138
00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:20,720
Our claim is being investigated?

139
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,000
We don't use that term.

140
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,280
But it is? Yes.

141
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:24,320
Why?

142
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,400
There are just a few details
that we need to verify

143
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:28,040
before we can pay out on the policy.

144
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,800
Oh, so it's, like,
just a routine thing?

145
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:34,560
Perhaps you could show me
the site of the incident?

146
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:36,720
Uh... Yeah, sure.

147
00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:40,360
It's just, uh, this way, um...?

148
00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:41,680
Joy.

149
00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:43,440
Sure.

150
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,920
Look, it's perfectly simple.

151
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,680
The brown one is a blackbird.

152
00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:48,440
The red and black one
is a goldfinch.

153
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:51,280
And the bluetit has a yellow chest.

154
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,520
Right. I'm just saying -

155
00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:55,280
you know where you are
with a sparrow.

156
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,160
That's a dunnock. You what?!

157
00:08:57,160 --> 00:09:00,400
OK. Now, try to remain calm,
everyone,

158
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:03,000
but there is a balloon,
possibly a number of balloons,

159
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,280
somewhere in this house.

160
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,440
And they might be
the float-to-the-ceiling kind,

161
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,720
so it's vital we find them
before they lose their magic.

162
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,200
Are you sure, Kitty?
It's nobody's birthday.

163
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,240
All I know is,
Alison said there's a balloon.

164
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:15,640
Perhaps a balloon animal.
And I know...

165
00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:18,960
Come on, Kitty.
She's winding you up, love.

166
00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:21,480
What?

167
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:22,520
Is May Fool.

168
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,880
April! April.

169
00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:25,440
Yeah. She's pulling on your legs.

170
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:30,280
Most likely reprisal
for our antics this morning.

171
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:32,560
So she said there was a balloon,

172
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,400
but there actually wasn't a balloon?

173
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:35,680
LAUGHS SOFTLY

174
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:37,640
Oh, that is so clever.

175
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,240
Oh, no.

176
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,920
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

177
00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:43,600
What's up with Attenborough?

178
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:47,720
Well, can't you see?
She's picking us off like a sniper.

179
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,600
She may have got to Kitty first,

180
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:51,080
but she'll come for us all.

181
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,960
Oh, give over.
Just a harmless bit of fun.

182
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,120
Is it, Patrick? Is it?!

183
00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:58,600
Or have we awoken a demon
hellbent on revenge?

184
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,000
We need to be on our guard,

185
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,960
keep our wits about us,
for the enemy is smart.

186
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,840
She is motivated.

187
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:08,280
We should expect tactics
of breathtaking subtlety

188
00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:09,720
and sophistication.

189
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:12,480
ALISON: Seriously? They found
a Stuka dive-bomber in the woods?

190
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,760
What? What?!

191
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:16,560
Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness!

192
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,200
PANTS

193
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:46,440
Clever girl.

194
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:56,040
And the fire was caused
by a fork of lightning?

195
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:57,120
Yeah.

196
00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:58,440
Bizarre, eh?

197
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,680
But I suppose
you must see that a lot.

198
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:01,760
No.

199
00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:03,880
And no-one was inside at the time?

200
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,040
No. Luckily. Hmm.

201
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,400
Most convenient.

202
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,640
So how did you know
it was lightning?

203
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:11,840
Oh, I... I saw it.

204
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:13,480
From inside the house?

205
00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:15,760
No, no. I was...nearby.

206
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:16,960
Where?

207
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:18,240
Under a tree.

208
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:19,560
In a thunderstorm?

209
00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:20,720
Well, I...

210
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,880
I thought it was a shower at first.

211
00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:25,600
I was trying to stay dry. Hmm.

212
00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:29,720
Then why not head inside?

213
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:31,360
Well, I couldn't leave the bear.

214
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,800
FAINT CLINKING

215
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,000
BIRDS COO

216
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,200
CLEARS THROAT

217
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,160
EXHALES

218
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:54,080
You got my note?

219
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:55,120
Indeed.

220
00:11:56,360 --> 00:12:00,320
I must confess, I was somewhat
taken aback by your candour.

221
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:04,160
I had begun to wonder
if you would ever see sense.

222
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,240
I think it was this morning -

223
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:09,320
fearing I might never see you again,

224
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:12,880
I suddenly realised
the depth of my feelings.

225
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:15,400
I can no longer deny the...

226
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,880
The frisson. The frisson. Exactly.

227
00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:20,920
I knew you would succumb
to my charms

228
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,920
in the fullness of time.

229
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:26,280
And Michael will understand,
I'm sure of it.

230
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,200
A dear soul, certainly,

231
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,880
but not possessing
of the depths you require...

232
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:34,240
...desire.

233
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:35,880
Yeah.

234
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,360
Shall we?

235
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:45,000
Oh, no.

236
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:46,520
Oh, God.

237
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:47,720
Oh, God. I'm so sorry. No...

238
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,000
No, no, no. It's fine.

239
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:53,640
A love such as ours
shall face many challenges,

240
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,280
but where the heart is driven...

241
00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:58,840
...the flesh shall find a way.

242
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:03,920
We can't even share a meal.

243
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:06,440
Or a hug.

244
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,160
Or a kiss.

245
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,040
Indeed.

246
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:14,840
Such interactions
are frustratingly limited.

247
00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:17,600
Though I suppose there's...
There's always...

248
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:21,120
Oh! Erm... Um... Should we?

249
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:23,080
Things are moving so fast, I...

250
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:24,560
GASPS, CLEARS THROAT

251
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,680
Oh, the angels in heaven!

252
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:29,880
April Fools!

253
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,640
LAUGHS

254
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,080
I totally got you.

255
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:39,360
LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

256
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:41,520
Oh, that is priceless!

257
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:45,560
I'm so amused right now,

258
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:47,200
because you would never... Never.

259
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,320
Never. Never. Never.
CONTINUES LAUGHING

260
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:52,080
Ha-ha-haaaa...

261
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:53,880
She's a monster!

262
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:56,160
You too, eh? What did she do?

263
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:57,240
She...

264
00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,000
We...

265
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,760
It doesn't matter what she did.

266
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:04,000
Know only that she is
Beelzebub incarnate!

267
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,680
Where are the others?

268
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,360
Lying low, if they have any sense.

269
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:08,680
They might be all right.

270
00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:10,800
There's only two hours left
until midday.

271
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:12,200
Surely she can't get us all.

272
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:15,000
Ohh, I would put nothing past
that she-devil!

273
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,120
ANGRILY: That callous, heartless...

274
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:19,840
SOFTLY: ..doe-eyed, soft-skinned...

275
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:21,880
Damn it!

276
00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:24,560
So, who do we think
she'll try to fool next?

277
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,200
Well, if she's thinking tactically,

278
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:30,480
she'd be best advised
to pick off the softest target.

279
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:32,280
Someone easily duped,

280
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:37,280
guileless, gullible,
open-hearted to a fault.

281
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,720
HUMS CHEERFULLY

282
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,320
Oh, come on! They can't
seriously ban Scotch eggs.

283
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:50,400
I wouldn't be certain
about the veracity

284
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,160
of that news story, Alison.

285
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,120
Sounds a little implausible to me.

286
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:59,040
If I were you, I'd cross-check
it with multiple news sources

287
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,120
across the political spectrum.

288
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:05,440
I'd hate for you to have the
wool pulled over your eyes. OK?

289
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,000
Thanks. Yeah. Thanks.

290
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:17,080
She's trying, God love her,
but talk about amateur hour!

291
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:18,320
CHUCKLES

292
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:19,440
Yeah?

293
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:20,920
Ooh...

294
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,320
JOY: So, the argument was
about the bear?

295
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:26,840
Yeah. He wasn't allowed in
the house. Why not?

296
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:28,520
He never wiped his feet.
CHUCKLES

297
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:33,040
It was a disagreement over taste.

298
00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:34,720
My wife wasn't keen on him,

299
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,600
so I was taking him to live up here.

300
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,000
And can I see this bear?

301
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,280
Erm, no.

302
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,920
He was also destroyed, sadly.

303
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,280
In the fire?

304
00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:45,120
Erm, no. A tree fell on him.

305
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:46,240
A tree?

306
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:47,800
Yeah. Struck by lightning.

307
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:50,080
I thought you said
the lightning struck the roof.

308
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:51,160
Different lightning.

309
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,040
So you're saying your property
was struck by lightning twice?

310
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,120
Yeah.

311
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,360
No, three times.
The other one hit...

312
00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:58,480
Nobody.

313
00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:00,520
Nothing. The ground.

314
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,720
Sounds insane
when you say it out loud.

315
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:06,920
You should see it written down.

316
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:08,880
What do you mean? What I say.

317
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,320
He didn't fall for it.

318
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:12,120
And you definitely said Scotch egg?

319
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:13,480
Of course I said Scotch egg!

320
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:15,560
SIGHS
God...

321
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:16,760
I could murder a Scotch egg.

322
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,080
Well, the way I see it,
you've got two options.

323
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:23,280
Mm-hm. You could just call it a day,
let bygones be bygones

324
00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:28,000
and forget all about
this silly revenge business, or...

325
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,200
..you double down.

326
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,840
No more Mrs Nice Alison.

327
00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:35,200
Pull off the kid gloves

328
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,560
and show them exactly
who they're messing with.

329
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:40,280
Or, you know, neither.

330
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:41,440
Yeah. Whatever. Yeah.

331
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,200
But it just doesn't make any sense.

332
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:47,400
What, because Pat saw through
her ruse and you didn't?

333
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,320
Well, yes, frankly.

334
00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,400
I mean, if you look up
gullible in the dictionary,

335
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,200
there's a picture of Pat's face.

336
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,600
Is there?

337
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:57,480
No, Katherine. No.

338
00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:00,000
Unless she didn't prank him at all.

339
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:04,320
Perhaps he's pranking us
by pretending she pranked him

340
00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:07,120
because we pranked her
for pranking... No, hang on.

341
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:08,400
Face it.

342
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:12,680
We have no idea who
she'll get next. Or how. Or who.

343
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:14,560
Hmm. Maybe you're right.

344
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:18,720
Though I think we can all guess who
will be the last of us to fall.

345
00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:23,480
Deceitful, cynical, underhand,

346
00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:25,040
and, lest we forget...

347
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:27,280
OTHERS: ...morally bankrupt.

348
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:28,560
Exactly.

349
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,360
If seven public inquiries

350
00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:32,560
couldn't trip the man up,
what on earth can?

351
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,560
Hello!
CHUCKLES

352
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,080
Ooh.

353
00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:47,320
GRUNTS

354
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:50,200
JAUNTY MUSIC
Oh, damn and blast!

355
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,280
JULIAN GROANS

356
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:55,680
Well, well, well.

357
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:57,040
Look who's here.

358
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,480
There is no weakness
she will not exploit!

359
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:02,200
That was below the belt -
and not in a fun way.

360
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,160
Wait a minute. Where's Pat?

361
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,880
Still at large.

362
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,080
Ah! Talk about insult to injury!

363
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,600
PAT HUMS CHEERFULLY

364
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:15,000
Pat?

365
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,240
CHOPPING

366
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:17,720
Alison.

367
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:20,560
I'm sorry, you know, for...
For everything earlier.

368
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:22,920
The Scotch egg thing.

369
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,160
I don't know what you mean, Alison.

370
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,240
Sure. OK. I just...

371
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,400
I was a bit angry, you know,
about this morning,

372
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,240
but I don't want
to fall out over it. I just...

373
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:33,640
It's water under the bridge now.

374
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:34,840
It's basically...

375
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:37,840
Oh, my God. No! Oh, God!
Oh, my finger! Pat! Pat!

376
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:40,280
Argh! Ouch!

377
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:46,280
Alison, I took whole packs
of ten-year-old boys away camping

378
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:47,960
every year for a decade.

379
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,200
Do you really think there's
a practical joke known to man

380
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,080
that hasn't been pulled on me?

381
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:55,480
Itching powder in the underpants.

382
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,080
Potato in the exhaust pipe.

383
00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:00,440
Hand in a bowl of water
so you wet the bed.

384
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:05,520
Been there, done it,
and got the T-shirt made.

385
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,320
So you'd best save your energy,
Alison,

386
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:09,680
because I'm bulletproof, me.

387
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:11,960
And, you?

388
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:14,960
You're there, mate.

389
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:17,680
SNARLS

390
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:21,520
CHOMPS

391
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:22,760
SWALLOWS

392
00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,240
WHISPERING: Jesus.

393
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,120
So you were here when
lightning struck the property?

394
00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:34,800
Yeah. We kissed here and then...
You kissed?

395
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:35,840
Yep.

396
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:37,080
The bear?

397
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:40,400
No. No, my...my wife.
I was no longer with the bear.

398
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,480
Not romantically. We split up.

399
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,840
I'd left him. It.

400
00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:46,320
I left it under the tree.

401
00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:48,880
But you said your wife
was back in the main house.

402
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:51,000
Yeah, she was. She came out
when the storm got bad.

403
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,320
So, as the lightning got worse,

404
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,160
your wife also came out into it?

405
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:57,680
Yes.

406
00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:02,320
She came to warn me because she saw
the first bolt hit the cave...

407
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:06,480
Caved in...bit of lawn.

408
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,800
There. Actually not there.

409
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,280
More over there. More over there.

410
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:14,640
Can I speak to your wife?

411
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:21,600
Oh! New chapter.

412
00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:24,880
Hmm. Hmm.

413
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:26,640
Hmm. Hmm?

414
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:27,680
Hmm...

415
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:30,880
Hmm-mm...

416
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,800
The girth of his what?!

417
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,760
Oh, the depravity! Alis...

418
00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,760
I'm not sure what to be
more disappointed by -

419
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:52,040
the obscene nature
of your attempted deception

420
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,280
or the sloppiness of its execution.

421
00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:57,400
I'm no fool, Alison,
April or otherwise.

422
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,480
OK. Sorry. Yeah.

423
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,880
I just thought it was a little
bit of fun, that's all.

424
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:03,280
LADY BUTTON GASPS

425
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,160
What on earth is that?

426
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:06,400
It's a tattoo.

427
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:07,680
Another one?

428
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,280
Two tattoos?

429
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,440
That scribble on your ankle
was common enough.

430
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:12,600
But this! This!

431
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,920
It's been there, like, a month.
I thought you'd seen it.

432
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:17,280
If I'd have seen it, young lady,
you'd have known about it.

433
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:21,360
My own kith and kin
branded like some lowly navvy,

434
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:23,960
painted like a tawdry Jezebel!

435
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:26,160
Times have changed.
You're still a Button.

436
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,680
No, I'm a Cooper, and I fancied
some fresh ink, so I got them.

437
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,520
Them? Plural?

438
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:32,320
Yeah. The big one's on this arm.

439
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:34,000
What?!

440
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:35,760
LADY BUTTON GASPS

441
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,160
CHUCKLES
Your face!

442
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:39,240
Yes!

443
00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:41,240
Yes, I suppose you think
that's funny, do you?

444
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,440
I do. I absolutely do.

445
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,960
But you don't need to worry,
because it's felt tip,

446
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,480
so it rubs right off.

447
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:50,000
OK.

448
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:51,040
Just...

449
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,320
Ah, OK. You might have
to live with that

450
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:55,680
for about a week or so.

451
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:57,120
Oh! Ugh!

452
00:21:58,480 --> 00:21:59,680
Hook, line and sinker!

453
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:01,760
CHUCKLES
Told you! OK.

454
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:03,920
Five down, two to go.

455
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:06,320
I've had this idea for Pat,
but I don't know.

456
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:08,640
It might be going a bit far.
Hey, hey, hey!

457
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,560
He's the one who upped the ante.

458
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:11,920
He's brought it on himself.

459
00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:14,600
Yeah, you're right. OK.

460
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:16,200
Well, then, that just leaves Robin,

461
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:19,200
and I've got no ideas
and not much time, so...

462
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,800
Don't you worry about Robin.

463
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:23,600
I'll take care of him.

464
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,400
Ooh. Yeah, sure.

465
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:26,960
What are you thinking?

466
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,240
Well...
GRUNTS

467
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,280
THUD!
Oh, my God. Ow!

468
00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:35,000
MUFFLED: Perfect.

469
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,080
IN EERIE VOICE: Hello, Robin.

470
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:39,520
Oh...

471
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:45,160
EERIE VOICE: Ehhh!

472
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:47,320
Oh, no.

473
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:48,720
He's back.

474
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:52,040
Ehhh...

475
00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:54,840
Oh. Not bear.

476
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:56,960
Just little badger.

477
00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:58,360
BLOWS KISSES

478
00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:01,320
Who are you calling little?
GASPS

479
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:04,040
Hang on.

480
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:05,720
Badgers not talk.

481
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:07,840
They do when they're angry enough.

482
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:10,160
Angry? That's right.

483
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:13,560
Rumour has it
that someone around here

484
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:15,840
ate an awful lot of my ancestors.

485
00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:17,720
No, no. We...

486
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:20,320
Well, not often.

487
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:21,720
You too small.

488
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:25,880
See, we prefer, er,
a mammoth or a deer,

489
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:28,840
or, on very special occasion,
a wild dog.

490
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:31,480
I knew it!
SCREAMS

491
00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:33,120
ALISON LAUGHS

492
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,760
April Fool!

493
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:36,800
Damn you, Cooper! Yes! I got him.

494
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:38,760
I got him. I got him.
Yeah, yeah. Well done.

495
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:40,640
Very much still inside a badger.

496
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:41,800
Oh, yeah.

497
00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:48,920
And I thought these things
smelled bad on the outside.

498
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:50,840
I've only got 25 minutes
left to get Pat.

499
00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:52,760
Well, don't just stand there. Go on!

500
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:55,840
Keep me posted, yeah?

501
00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,240
SNORES

502
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,240
MIKE: Well, she was running

503
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,720
from the direction of
the house, so I assumed that...

504
00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:14,880
But you didn't see her IN the house?

505
00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:16,720
Well, no, I was under the tree.

506
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:18,600
Yes, but I'm just trying
to ascertain

507
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,880
where exactly your wife was
when the fire broke out.

508
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:23,480
Oh. OK.

509
00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:24,680
I see what you're getting at.

510
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:26,000
Well, I can assure you

511
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:29,240
that my wife isn't just going
around setting fire...

512
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,480
Mrs Cooper?

513
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:34,080
Sh.

514
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:36,960
Alison, this is Joy Guilty Kielty -

515
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,520
from the insurance company.

516
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:40,560
About the fire.

517
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:47,800
Hi. I'm Alison. So nice to meet you.

518
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,320
Oh, God. Sorry.
I think I stood up too quick.

519
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:52,760
Um... This is a practical joke.

520
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:57,640
An April Fools thing for one of
the...living people who live here.

521
00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:00,040
Oh, but your policy document
says that you are

522
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:01,480
the only two occupants.

523
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:05,160
We are. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

524
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:06,840
I meant a friend.

525
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:10,080
We have a house guest staying,
so I'm...

526
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:13,040
Pretending the house is on fire?

527
00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:15,040
Well... Yeah.

528
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:18,560
Yeah. Well, I thought,
you know, a warm welcome.

529
00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:22,360
Could you just excuse me
for one second?

530
00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:23,800
VOMITS

531
00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:29,600
Sorry. Sick in a bush.

532
00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:31,760
I think it must be the... Nerves?

533
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:33,040
..fumes.

534
00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:35,200
So, any other questions?

535
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,640
No. I think I've seen
everything I need to.

536
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:43,680
Sorry.

537
00:25:49,120 --> 00:25:51,960
Obviously, I know
how that looks and, well,

538
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,400
how all of it looks,
but I promise you,

539
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,200
everything that I have told you
is 100% the truth,

540
00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:58,880
and I'm begging you...

541
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:00,200
Well, actually not beg.

542
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:03,200
No, I would totally beg
if that helps,

543
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,360
cos we really need this and I...

544
00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:08,600
Mr Cooper, I'm going to recommend
that we approve your claim

545
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,560
and pay out on the policy in full.

546
00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,080
What?

547
00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:13,560
Seriously?

548
00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:16,920
I've met a lot of fraudsters
in my time, Mr Cooper,

549
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:20,600
and I can assure you no genuine
criminal would ever come up

550
00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:23,840
with a story as patently
ridiculous as that one.

551
00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:27,200
Stuff that absurd
only ever happens in real life.

552
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:37,760
ON TV: This is a great mixture

553
00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:40,000
of flavours and textures
to combine to make

554
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:41,680
an extravagant plate of beef.

555
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:42,920
The amount of beef...

556
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:44,200
Um, Mike...

557
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:45,800
Hey. Where have you been?

558
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:48,240
Oh, well... Did you see the email?

559
00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:50,880
All confirmed.
They're paying out on the policy.

560
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:54,280
So that'll bring us back
to, uh, zero.

561
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:55,760
So, yay! No money.

562
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:57,040
Yeah. Yeah.

563
00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:59,240
Can I have a word with you
in private?

564
00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:01,760
In pri...? Is there a ghost in here?

565
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:04,640
GHOSTS HUM

566
00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:07,680
TV PROGRAMME CONTINUES

567
00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:10,400
You OK?

568
00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:11,680
Yeah.

569
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:13,000
I think so.

570
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:14,320
Uh...

571
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:19,160
Now, I felt a bit emotional
and then hungry and then not.

572
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:23,400
And then a bit faint
and then a bit sick.

573
00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:27,360
And... Well, I did a test and, um...

574
00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:31,520
..I'm pregnant.

575
00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:35,880
As if!

576
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:38,160
PAT CHUCKLES
I mean, the prop's a nice touch,

577
00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:40,520
but your stooge here
is as wooden as anything, love.

578
00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:42,240
Pat... And nobody just...

579
00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:48,680
It's after midday.

580
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:50,040
Oh, my God. You're pregnant!

581
00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:52,480
What? What?! Really?

582
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:54,000
We're having a baby?

583
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:55,280
We're having a baby!

584
00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:57,120
GHOSTS LAUGH

585
00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:58,520
Wonderful news.

586
00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:01,600
That's wonderful.

587
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:04,840
GHOSTS CHAT AND EXCLAIM

588
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:10,440
Did we get him?