1
00:00:13,120 --> 00:00:15,040
Hi.
Good evening.

2
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:20,960
Fully booked again tonight?

3
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:24,600
I'm sorry?

4
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:26,800
You...

5
00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:36,200
Morning.
Morning.
Good morning.

6
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:38,400
Living the dream.

7
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:12,520
Clear.

8
00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:13,640
Yes!

9
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:19,120
On your marks.

10
00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:21,880
Get set.

11
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:23,720
Go!

12
00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:25,560
For King and country!

13
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,520
Morning.
Morning.

14
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:30,520
If music be the food of love...

15
00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:34,080
Friday I'm In Love by The
Cure

16
00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:39,960
He just really speaks to me.
Oh, no, not this berk again.

17
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:41,680
Get a job!

18
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:44,520
Oh, eh, eh, four down is bum.

19
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:45,760
Bum. Bum.

20
00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:47,960
Robin, for the last time, no
newspaper's going to...

21
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,560
Three letter, "gluteus maximus"...

22
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,120
Oh, yeah, you're right.
..is bum.

23
00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:53,520
Yeah.
B-u-m.

24
00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:54,800
Good. Very good.

25
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,400
Come on! Come on!
Yes.

26
00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:02,240
OK.
Yes! Takes me back to the David
Lloyd in Chelsea.

27
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:04,880
Take that, Hugo!

28
00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:07,240
So where did we get to?
Er, World Cup '86.

29
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:08,560
It's quarterfinals.

30
00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:10,440
England-Argentina. All right.

31
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:13,240
Ah, the Hand of God.

32
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:14,720
You what?

33
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,440
Maradona scores with a handball,
swings the match.

34
00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:21,000
Well, don't tell me the score.
2-1 to Argentina.

35
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,200
What's wrong with you?!

36
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,040
You absolute...
Dikhet.

37
00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:28,640
Robin!
Is six-letter, "permit to travel",
dikhet!

38
00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:30,440
Oh, ticket!

39
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:33,520
Dikhet! Ticket! Here. Yeah, OK.

40
00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,240
You're getting good at these.

41
00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:36,600
Well, me very clever.

42
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:37,840
Ugh.

43
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:39,080
Hey!

44
00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:44,160
'Orse.

45
00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,840
Huh. Huh-huh-huh-horse.

46
00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:49,560
Oh. laughing 'orse.

47
00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:52,800
Thank you.

48
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,560
Absolute filth!

49
00:02:58,080 --> 00:02:59,520
Oh, thanking you kindly.

50
00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:04,800
Oh...

51
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,640
I do not like where this is going.

52
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,000
Morning.

53
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,280
Morning.
Hi, Alison.

54
00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:13,720
Hi!
Back to the grindstone.

55
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:17,480
Yeah.
Which reminds me, we found this
grindstone.

56
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:20,960
14th century. Honestly, your cellar is
literally a gold mine.

57
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,160
When you say litera...?
Archeologically speaking.

58
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:24,240
Ah, yeah.

59
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:27,560
Here we go, then.

60
00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:31,000
Oh, push it!

61
00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:35,720
Well?
Two minutes, 30. Same as...

62
00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:38,240
Well, always. I mean, it's always two
minutes, 30.

63
00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:39,520
Blast!

64
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,440
Well, keep at it.
Hmm.

65
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,000
Maybe I need to try some new
stretches or something.

66
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:47,520
Yeah, or maybe you can't really get
any faster,

67
00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:50,360
you know, because you can't build
muscle, what with you being -

68
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:54,200
and I mean this with all the love in
the world, Cap dead.

69
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,160
We didn't win the war with attitudes
like that, did we?

70
00:03:57,160 --> 00:03:58,960
No.
No!

71
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,360
Right, I'm going to go and stretch my
hams.

72
00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:03,680
Well, I mean, they won't stretch
because you're...

73
00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,520
He's dead.
I'm dead.
Yeah, you're dead, yeah.

74
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:08,880
You'll be dead soon.
What?

75
00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:10,160
Sorry.

76
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:13,880
Right. Hard to be conclusive about
the cause of death, but, er,

77
00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:15,720
well, it's going to be plague, isn't
it?

78
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:20,280
From the pelvis, I'd say female.

79
00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,920
30 to 40.

80
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,320
Down, down.

81
00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:28,280
Bowed right femur. Probable limp.

82
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:29,800
The winner!

83
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:31,760
Evidence of extensive syphilis.

84
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,160
No, no, not that bit.

85
00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:35,400
Same as the male from yesterday.

86
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,040
Geoff!
What?
Someone's been a naughty boy!

87
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,560
Hi, er...

88
00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,080
Hello, stranger.

89
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,880
I forgot to say, that, um, we've got
a photographer coming today

90
00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:45,480
to take a picture for our brochure.

91
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:47,120
Oh, for the hotel?
Erm...

92
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,600
No, we... we... we ran out of money, and
also...

93
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:52,040
..this.

94
00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:55,640
So we're thinking of trying to use
some of the big rooms for functions,

95
00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:57,240
weddings, you know.

96
00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,360
Nice.
Which will be nice, yeah.

97
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:02,400
Er, yeah, and we need to get a shot of
the front,

98
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,640
so do you think you could move your
van?

99
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:05,960
Well, I could, but...

100
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,400
Yes, great, thank you.

101
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:11,520
Any end in sight?
Er, yeah, nearly there. Few more
days.

102
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:15,440
Sorry it's taken so long. There's just
so much history on this site.

103
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,800
Honestly, if these bones could talk.

104
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,960
Yeah, well, that would save us all a
lot of hassle, wouldn't it?

105
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,920
But then... who'd believe you?!

106
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:26,800
Oo-hoo!

107
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,480
So the aim is to turn it into a
venue.
A venue for what?

108
00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:38,560
Er, well, you know, weddings,
parties, bar mitzvahs...

109
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:40,880
..girl mitzvahs.
Bat mitzvahs.

110
00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:42,600
For bats?

111
00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:43,880
What?

112
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,200
Huh?

113
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:47,680
Erm, we need it to look nice,

114
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:50,240
so if you could avoid the bad bits...

115
00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:51,560
What, all of them?

116
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:54,200
Well, just find the best angle.

117
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:56,520
Yeah, I mean, we know that the
camera never lies,

118
00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:59,640
but if it could not tell the whole
truth,

119
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,480
then that would be very handy for us.

120
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:03,320
I'll see what I can do.
Great.

121
00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:10,160
There's simply not enough slates to
do the whole roof!

122
00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:14,000
Er...

123
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,920
It's the third Earl of Winborne!

124
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:17,400
OK.

125
00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:21,240
I'm not sure Impressions Club's
going to work, is it?

126
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:24,840
Well, let's not be too hasty.
No-one's heard my Nelson Mandela.

127
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:27,400
Outrageous!
Haven't done it yet.

128
00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:30,000
No, no, no, no!

129
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:35,240
Alison, get the tradesman off the
lawn!

130
00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:37,720
Snap-snap!
Um, Rory, can we try...?

131
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,160
This way?
Yeah, just...

132
00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:40,480
All the way off the lawn!

133
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:41,800
A little bit...
Yeah.

134
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:42,840
Both feet!

135
00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:44,880
Yeah. And more...
Hurry up!
And just...

136
00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:47,040
That's perfect.
Here?
Yeah.

137
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:50,520
Whatever happened to standards?!

138
00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:53,480
Absolutely. Mustn't let things
slide.

139
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:55,160
All it takes is a little...

140
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,280
..effort.

141
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,560
Urgh! Look at this evil old...

142
00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:43,280
Isn't that...?
Oh, no.

143
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:49,960
She's everywhere.

144
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,760
Look! And there!

145
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:56,040
Where'd you get that?
Over there.

146
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,760
Did you know this happens?
I had no idea.

147
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:02,880
If indeed that is me. She looks at
least 20 years older.

148
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:05,360
How come she can be seen?

149
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,320
Perhaps it's only if you're grumpy.

150
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,680
Or ugly.

151
00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:10,880
Well, her photo's all over Facebook
now,

152
00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:12,640
so we can say goodbye to doing events.

153
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:14,200
No-one wants a haunted wedding.

154
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:15,440
No-one will know.

155
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:17,880
Look, it's only one window and he
doesn't say where it is...

156
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:22,080
Hmm.
OK, but does anybody actually read
the comments?

157
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:26,640
Gah! Just look at them, gullible
cretins!

158
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,720
I mean, what sort of moron believes in
ghosts?

159
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,480
You are a ghost.

160
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:33,640
Well, yeah, but, you know, before I
became one,

161
00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:36,280
you wouldn't have caught me believing
in this sort of nonsense.

162
00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,680
I'm going to talk to them.
And say what?

163
00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:40,800
That there's no such thing as
ghosts.

164
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:44,000
Yeah, you tell 'em. Bloody weirdos!

165
00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:49,560
Hi, hi. I'm Alison, and I own the
house. Um...

166
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:53,200
I do!

167
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,360
Look, I know why you're here,

168
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:58,040
but I can assure you that there are no
ghosts... ghost.

169
00:08:58,040 --> 00:08:59,800
There is no ghost.

170
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:02,600
I know that it looks like a very
spooky old house,

171
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,640
but there's nothing creepy going on
here, actually.

172
00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:07,840
Hi, Alison.
Could you open the gate?

173
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,160
Really? Now?

174
00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,040
Well, you made us move the van.

175
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,200
Yeah.

176
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,280
Is that the Grey Lady?

177
00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:21,000
Obviously, I know how that looks,

178
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:24,160
but that is unrelated to the
ghosts... ghost!

179
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:26,760
Erm, look, the photo is a fake,

180
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,720
and I'd really appreciate it if you
could all just go home,

181
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:32,080
please, and not go spreading any
rumours or...

182
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,720
Well, that worked.
Hmm.

183
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:38,720
So you're a paranormal expert?

184
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:41,520
Yes, indeed, I am a paranormal
podder,

185
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,840
blogger, vlogger, and psogger.

186
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:45,040
Psogger?

187
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,200
It's a psychic blogger. The P's
silent.

188
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,040
Oh, eh, oh! We on TV!

189
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,240
We're on TV!

190
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:52,680
Oh, we're on TV!

191
00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:54,720
Look, come, come see, look, huh,
see, look!

192
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,760
..some very fascinating spirits,
erm, and there's lots of

193
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:00,640
emanations coming from... from this
hou...

194
00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:01,840
Sorry, what was that, Tony?

195
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,480
That's my guide, Tony.

196
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:06,240
Yeah, no, he was just saying that
something bad happened here...

197
00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,320
We are all over Twitter.

198
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:12,560
"Man, this pic has me bricking it.
That ghost be one scary-ass..."

199
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:14,160
Is she in the room?

200
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:15,400
Yes.

201
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:16,720
Well, it doesn't say "lady".

202
00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,480
It's just a pity the owners are
being so uncooperative

203
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,200
because the opportunity to study

204
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,640
this kind of phenomenon is so
valuable.

205
00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,040
How valuable?

206
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:27,800
Let's find out.

207
00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:34,200
Hi... Hi... Hello!

208
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:37,320
Hi, yeah, I'm Mike, I live here,
and...

209
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,880
I do!
If you say so.

210
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:43,160
Er, anyway, my wife might have been
a bit hasty

211
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:44,800
with some of the stuff she said
earlier,

212
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,280
so, well, let me put something to you.

213
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:51,520
And you just get to be yourselves
without me telling you not to,

214
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,360
so go full ghost.

215
00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:55,360
Julian, just shove anything you like.

216
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,000
Robin, just go crazy with the lights.

217
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,000
Mary, lot of weird burning smells.

218
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,600
And a few Fanny pictures.

219
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:04,720
Oh, can I play?
Oh, yes! Teamwork makes the team
work.

220
00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:06,760
No...
No, speak for yourselves.

221
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:09,040
Personally, I don't want a bunch of
misfits

222
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,640
poking around in every corner,

223
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:13,200
keeping us up at night with their
probes and their machines...

224
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:14,920
Cap-Cap-Captain...
Yeah?

225
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:19,000
It... It's actually just these four
I really need.

226
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:23,480
No offence, but, haunting-wise, you
don't really have much to offer.

227
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:25,840
No. That's fine, actually, er,

228
00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:27,960
because I'm, er... I'm busy with
something.

229
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:29,800
So, thank you.
Mm-hm.

230
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,200
What?

231
00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:34,200
Sorry, guys.

232
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:35,400
No.

233
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:38,480
I wish there were something I could do
to assist fair Alison.

234
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,840
Yeah. The irony, eh?

235
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:42,920
I had so many skills in life -

236
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,960
knot-tying, tent-pitching, archery...

237
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,240
Oh, no, well...

238
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,560
And Mike has this "No Sugar, I'm
Sweet Enough" mug

239
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:52,080
that I would really love to meet with
an accident,

240
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,320
so if you could just suddenly push
it...
Hmm.

241
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:57,040
Um...
And what's in it for me?

242
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:59,000
Well, there's not really much that I
can...

243
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,080
A smartphone.

244
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,600
What?!
There was a review in Robin's paper

245
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:06,760
for an application which allows you to
play golf with a single finger

246
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,560
on a smartphone.

247
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:10,040
But they're hundreds of pounds.

248
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,920
Well, if you don't want my help...
Are you trying to blackmail me?

249
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:16,800
With respect, I think the real issue
here is... is, er...

250
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,800
Oh, I'm not on Newsnight now, am I?

251
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,120
Yeah, it's blackmail.

252
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,480
Oh, come on, Julian, everyone else
is willing to help.

253
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:24,880
Alison, I'm not willing to help.

254
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:29,040
The smell of burnings, um, reminds me
of being tied to that stake.

255
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,720
And for that reason, I'm out.

256
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:33,600
Hmm!

257
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,240
ALISON SIGHS

258
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,240
The offer stands.

259
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:39,040
And I will not be paraded about like
some Parisian concubine.

260
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:40,880
Yeah, she no porcupine!

261
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,640
Ugh! And me no sideshow freak!

262
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:45,800
No, but...
Actually, Robin,

263
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:48,640
having been to a sideshow, you're
exactly like...

264
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:51,120
No, no, nothing.

265
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,040
Guy... Guys!

266
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,520
And boom! We have paying guests.

267
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:56,960
Ghost night is on!

268
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,360
Slight problem no ghosts.

269
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,200
Welcome to Button House.
Hi.

270
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,920
Just through here.

271
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,760
So what do we do? I promised them
stuff moving on its own and

272
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:11,480
weird smells and lights going off...

273
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,840
They have gone on strike. I mean,
what do you want me to do?

274
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:15,880
I dunno. You're the ghost expert.
Hmm.

275
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:19,320
You're a ghost expert you know how
they operate,

276
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:20,360
so can't we just...

277
00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:22,000
..fake it?
Eh?

278
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,200
Fake it.
No! No, that's completely immoral.

279
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:28,000
We can't just rip people off. I mean,
what, they've paid, like...?

280
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:29,320
200 quid each.

281
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:31,440
Although, yeah, OK, thinking about
it...

282
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:37,200
..it IS a real haunted house, so it's
only, like, a white lie.

283
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,840
We have to con them,

284
00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,240
because it's the right thing to do.
Yes, yes.

285
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:43,480
OK.

286
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:47,080
Hmm!

287
00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:51,400
Nice to see you, to see you...

288
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:52,800
Nice!

289
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:57,080
It's like he's in the room!

290
00:13:57,080 --> 00:14:00,320
Gentlemen, there is an invasion
afoot.

291
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,360
Despite expressly forbidding it,

292
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:04,680
she has just opened up the border and
let them all in.

293
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:08,160
The place is awash with eccentrics and
fantasists.

294
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,760
Uh-uh. No way, Jose.

295
00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:13,480
We told her we weren't playing ball.

296
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,360
Yes, there be nothing to see.

297
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:16,720
Slash smells.

298
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:19,920
No, no they are planning on faking
it all.

299
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:21,400
Pretending that there are ghosts.

300
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:24,120
I mean, it makes a mockery of our very
existence.

301
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:27,000
But these people came here for a
glimpse of Fanny.

302
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,080
Yes, and they can hardly fake that.

303
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,400
Well, that's it. Well, they still
need you.

304
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,920
Of course! Come on. We shall have to
find you a place to hide.

305
00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:36,400
Chop chop, Fanny.

306
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,240
Let's go. Come along.

307
00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:39,400
Come on, ape.

308
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:40,960
We're putting a stop to this.

309
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:44,400
I didn't die to let someone else fake
the skills I've honed in death

310
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,560
without giving me a smartphone.

311
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:49,040
What?!

312
00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:54,600
And I'll... I'll stays here and
watch...

313
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:57,480
..this wall.

314
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:02,480
Hmm.

315
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:07,440
Oh, yeah, this part of the house has
a lot of paranormal activity.

316
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:12,200
Oh, how exciting! I hope we see
some.
Kitty, I think we ARE some.

317
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:14,040
Check, one, two. Check. Check.

318
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:16,880
Stick together, everyone!

319
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,480
One, two, two, two.

320
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:21,320
Pop into Pagham to purchase a pig.

321
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,360
OK. It's 21.07.

322
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,680
Recording in zone four for EVP.

323
00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:30,000
What?
Electronic voice phenomena.

324
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:34,040
It picks up vocal frequencies of
discarnate entities.

325
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:38,760
Ghosts, Danni, the voices of ghosts.

326
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:41,920
Right, proceed to zone three.
Er...

327
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,200
The kitchen, Danni. Check your map.

328
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:47,480
Did you hear that?
What?

329
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,120
That thing there picks up ghosts'
voices.

330
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,120
Maybe we can help after all!

331
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,320
Help Alison?
Yeah. Speak into that microphone,

332
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,880
and we can prove that this house is
haunted.

333
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:00,560
What would we say?

334
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:01,600
Erm...

335
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:08,720
Hello, and, erm, welcome to Button
Hou...

336
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:12,240
Ooh! Welcome to Button FM!

337
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:13,960
I'm Pat Butcher.

338
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:24,320
And joining me this week is renowned
poet Thomas Thorne!

339
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:25,720
How are you, Thomas?

340
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:29,960
Thomas, we're on the air.

341
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:35,080
And we'll be right back with Thomas

342
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:38,000
after this song from local band
Chicken & Chips.

343
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,920
It's called Where's The Cream?

344
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:43,720
Greetings, my apparition apostles.

345
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:48,760
The Ghostmaster General here, on the
hunt in the kitchen of Button House,

346
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:51,160
where restless spirits are said to...

347
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,000
Turn the light off.

348
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,320
Was that it?

349
00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,600
Well, yeah, but it's, like, really
spooky,

350
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:01,440
cos it's when you least expect it...

351
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:04,640
..usually.

352
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,240
Robin!
It not me!

353
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,000
Oooh, clever!

354
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:12,040
Oh, well, why don't you sleep with
her, then?

355
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:13,800
Sweetheart, we've talked about this.

356
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,280
Two can play at that game.

357
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:19,200
Hoooo!

358
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:25,920
Oh!

359
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:29,160
Eh? Who the daddy? I'm the daddy.
I'm Daddy.

360
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:36,200
No, no, no.

361
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,080
Oh, God!

362
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:52,400
Things are kicking off here, guys.
This is getting pretty spooky.

363
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:55,480
Oh, yes, that's really thrown them
off the scent.

364
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:57,200
Oh...

365
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:58,920
Oh, no.

366
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:04,120
OK, ease down. Ease down.

367
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:07,320
It's over, isn't it? It's over.

368
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:08,480
Do you want some milk?

369
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,600
Do you... do you want a glass of milk?
No, thank you.

370
00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:14,600
Cor! That really freaked them out.
They're all yours.

371
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,520
Right, then, to the ballroom.

372
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,520
Well, we know where they're not.

373
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:24,760
Come along, Fanny, down you go.

374
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:26,960
But it's cold and damp down there.

375
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,560
You can't feel the cold.

376
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:31,600
Huh.

377
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:33,600
Or can we?

378
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:37,840
Yes, cool the muscles, improve
performance.

379
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:40,320
A little night air might just give me
the edge.

380
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:53,240
And, of course, your poetry rhymes,
which is A, harder,

381
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:56,720
and B, shows you have a real passion
for the English language.

382
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,480
Is that fair to say?

383
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:01,360
Yes.

384
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:07,360
And we'll be back with Thomas after
these advertisements.

385
00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:13,680
Buy cheese.

386
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:16,200
Please.

387
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:19,120
Louise.

388
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:23,520
Buy Louise's Pleasing Cheese,

389
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:27,680
made from only the freshest Jersey
milk,

390
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:31,560
lovingly thumbed from our all-Friesian
herd...

391
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:38,880
And we have a lot of poltergeist
activity up here.

392
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:40,280
But that's where I live!

393
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:44,040
Oh, we also have a
smell... tergeist... tergeist.

394
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,280
Smell-tergeist.

395
00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:46,600
We're overrun!

396
00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:48,040
If you just step this way...

397
00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:55,120
Do you smell that?

398
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,960
Yes, yes, I smell it.
Crafty cow.

399
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:01,160
Smells like fire, but there is no
fire.

400
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:04,520
Apart from that one.

401
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:07,080
Oh, come on. Do you think we should
leave this?

402
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:08,480
Yeah. That's... OK.

403
00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,160
I mean, that wasn't what... OK.

404
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:13,240
We'll come back to that.

405
00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:14,760
Now, anyway, back to the...

406
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:17,480
..poltergeist.
Where?!

407
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,600
Wait. There it is now.

408
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,600
Don't let it eat me!

409
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:34,960
Wow!

410
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,240
I hope you guys are seeing this.

411
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,960
This is the real deal.

412
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,360
Come on.
It's moving again.

413
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:01,880
Evening.

414
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:05,240
Just resting my finger against this
mug.

415
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,280
Whoa-ho-ho! Did you see that?!

416
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:24,320
What the...?!

417
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:26,360
Wow, er...
Oh, yeah.

418
00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:28,440
That's really shaken me up,
actually, guys. Um...

419
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:29,960
I'm going to have to sit down.

420
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,400
Not ideal.

421
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:35,640
And are these kinetic episodes
related to the full-body apparition?

422
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:37,640
The Grey Lady, Danni.

423
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:41,880
Well, I mean, she can be a bit
elusive, but, er, fingers crossed.

424
00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:45,920
This is another room said to be
haunted by the Grey Lady.

425
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:47,600
Oh, no, not again!

426
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:52,120
Hi, I'm back. Sorry, I just had to
take a minute to, er...

427
00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:55,800
Oh, what's that?! What was that?! What
was that?!

428
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:57,360
Right, I can smell burning.

429
00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:59,520
Er... Oh, that is so weird.

430
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,440
Right, I'm freaking out, I'm
freaking out.

431
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:03,600
I'm going to have to get out of here.
I need some air.

432
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,520
What was that?

433
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:11,240
What's that made out of?

434
00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:14,840
Sack?
Silk. Silk. And I have said, "Don't
touch."

435
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:16,320
What's holding your hair?

436
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:19,080
Oh, Walter, put her down. She's old
enough to be your mother.

437
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,760
It's embarrassing.
I beg your pardon!

438
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,120
She looks like my mother.
I resent that.

439
00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:26,480
Except the teeth. My mum had nicer
teeth.

440
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:29,920
Can I come out yet? Please!

441
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:33,160
Ahh!

442
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:37,280
There. Start my lap on the hour chime,
and who needs a stopwatch?

443
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:40,640
Yeah, touch of night air on the old
calves,

444
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,080
I should beat the pants off my two
minutes, 30.

445
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:44,360
Isn't that right, boy?

446
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:47,680
Oh, what do you know? Right, here
goes.

447
00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:50,840
Ah, bracing!

448
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:53,360
So, this Grey Lady...

449
00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:55,240
Yep, yeah, er, be patient.

450
00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:56,280
Biscuit?

451
00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,920
Ah, I'll just be a sec.

452
00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,880
Any sign?
No, I can't find her anywhere.

453
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:05,080
OK, so what are we going to do?

454
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:06,960
Cos I promised these people a Grey
Lady ghost.

455
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,080
Why did you do that?
Because we've got one.

456
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:14,360
I think I've got an idea. I just
need to buy some time.

457
00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:15,560
Uh-huh.
OK.

458
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:18,880
No, the poltergeist was me. There
aren't ghosts that haunt ghosts.

459
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,560
There no ghost-ghost.
I know what I almost saw.

460
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:25,800
Still want that phone?

461
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:28,520
What?
I need another burst of that
poltergeist act,

462
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:30,000
just while I sort something out.

463
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,440
So what do you say? Want to play a few
holes?

464
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,800
Looks so good! There's some sweet
greens.

465
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:39,720
OK, I'm in.

466
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:40,760
Yes!
Oi!

467
00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:42,520
Ah-ta-ta!
Great!

468
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,680
Now, you see that mug?

469
00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,040
Yeah.

470
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,800
The second he puts it down, do your
worst.
All right.

471
00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:54,000
The housemaid's leg was
Gwendoline...

472
00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:56,320
..and the lusty dog...

473
00:23:57,880 --> 00:23:58,960
..was I.

474
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:07,200
Yet another poem from Thomas Thorne
there.

475
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:09,440
And apologies for those still waiting
for the pop quiz.

476
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:10,840
Right, let's see what we've got.

477
00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:12,440
Join me next week when my guests

478
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:14,240
will be Sheena Easton and Dudley
Moore!

479
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:17,880
The kitchen, Danni. Check your map.

480
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:20,120
Here we go.
Fame at last!

481
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,120
Nah. Nothing.

482
00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:34,640
Thought as much.

483
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,280
There's no energy here.

484
00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:39,360
With experience, you can feel it.

485
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:41,320
You can't learn that sort of thing.

486
00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:42,960
It's a gift, a calling, really.

487
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:44,960
Come on.

488
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:46,400
You were great, mate.

489
00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:51,560
You have a slightly grating register
and a tendency to gabble.

490
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:53,720
Something to work on.

491
00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:01,320
Right. On your marks,

492
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:04,120
get set, and...

493
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,120
For King and country!

494
00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:12,440
Yes, yes, I'll be sure to visit
again very soon.

495
00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:15,240
Hideous creatures! Couldn't take
another minute.

496
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:33,840
There's a real sense there could
quite literally

497
00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:36,080
be a ghost around every corner.

498
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:37,720
I mean, if I just pan around,

499
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:40,040
you get some idea of the sheer size of
this place...

500
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:43,560
Oh, no!

501
00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:45,960
Fanny's exposed!

502
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:14,320
..but, sadly, no Grey Lady.

503
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:17,840
Two, 29. Shaved off a second!

504
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:21,080
Well done, Cap.

505
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,600
I knew it! It's the cold air, you
see. I've still got it.

506
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:25,040
In my bally prime.

507
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:26,480
Two minutes, 30, weren't it?

508
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,480
Slower, if anything.

509
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:32,640
The Grey Lady!

510
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,200
There's free-floa... In zone...

511
00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:39,760
There's a ghost upstairs!

512
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:42,880
Right, come on!
OK!

513
00:26:58,240 --> 00:26:59,880
The ghost-ghost.

514
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:16,720
Guys, there you are.

515
00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:18,720
I think I just saw a ghost in there.

516
00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:25,680
I really am...

517
00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:27,280
I'm sorry again for...

518
00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:29,680
Sorry.

519
00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:32,120
You'll be hearing from my lawyer
when I get one.

520
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:35,200
I really am sorry again.

521
00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:39,600
For exploiting people, just because
they're open-minded enough to accept

522
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:42,480
the possibility that there might just
be such a thing as ghosts?

523
00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:47,960
Because, let me tell you, there are
spirits all around us.

524
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:50,640
I just hope one day, you come to
embrace them.

525
00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:51,960
At least!

526
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:56,800
That must be galling.

527
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,560
Oh, eh! Er, ghouling!

528
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:03,120
No.
Come on!

529
00:28:03,120 --> 00:28:05,680
It doesn't really work, mate.
No, come on! Come on!

530
00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:09,000
It's already up on the blogs.

531
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,040
Huh... huh...

532
00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:12,280
..hoax.

533
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:14,000
Well, back to weddings, then.

534
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:15,440
Ah!

535
00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:19,120
Off the lawn! Off the lawn!

536
00:28:19,120 --> 00:28:20,720
Now she does it.

537
00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:22,400
Orf the lawn!

538
00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:24,080
Orf the lawn!

539
00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:28,920
Er, Alison, this has stopped
working.

540
00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:31,000
It's saying "credit warning",

541
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:35,040
something about in-app purchases,
spending limits, blah-blah-blah.

542
00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:38,200
180 quid?!
Well, yeah. I had to buy some new
clubs.

543
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:41,360
In golf, you have to keep up with the
latest technology.

544
00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:43,000
Oh, you didn't even do the mug.

545
00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:44,480
Oh, yeah. Sorry.

546
00:28:49,600 --> 00:28:50,960
There.

547
00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:54,160
Now, I give you my Nelson Mandela.

548
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:55,400
Oh, no, no, Julian, no...