I had no idea so much went into a wedding.
Speaking as your wife, that was clear.
Hmm. Five boxes...
..six, seven, eight... in here.
And ten in the lobby. Excellent.
Right. Lift from the knees! Trust me, you don't want a hernia.
Head! What?
...chog.
Hedgehog. Sorry.
I thought I saw a hedgehog. Where?
Did you? Mm-mm.
No. Ah.
Chase it out with a broom. They'll leave fleas in the rug!
Now, the other bit. I have you down for night lookout this evening.
Again? Can't he do it? I mean...
..me do it? Hardly.
There's a lot of valuable ordnance on base, and, while your counterpart here
is very dextrous, observation is not his strong suit.
OK. Fine. Pick me up at six. Literally.
Very good.
Oh, no, no, no! I know you're on a budget,
but where are the oyster forks?
They're not having oysters. What?!
How much? To hire knives and forks?!
It's wedding silver, Mike. It's got to be top quality.
Don't try to bend them!
That's just what I heard. No, don't be daft.
Course it ain't haunted.
Just act natural.
If anyone asks, we're couriers who got lost in the grounds
while looking for a toilet, cos you needed to go urgently
due to a recent operation to remove a small section of bowel.
That's a lot of detail, Vin.
That's what makes it believable.
Now, Pete says this place has been getting deliveries all week
for some big wedding bash.
Silverware, furniture, PA system all quality stuff.
So, what's the plan?
So we case the joint, find a way in... Uh-huh.
..then come back when they're asleep...
..and nick it.
I don't want him to!
OK!
Great. They're doing Music Club... Well, they're busy.
They won't even know I'm out.
You haven't told them?
It would just become some whole big thing
and it's better if I just sneak out.
They won't bother you. Hmm.
You've been on your own with them before.
Yeah, not at night, with the house all dark and creepy
and them all dead and weird.
You still can come with us, you know?
Nah. You go.
They're your friends, really. I'll be fine,
with the... dead people.
Thanks for waiting. No problem.
This is perfect. They're going out.
Come on, now's our chance.
But I've still got the thighs.
God, you eat slowly.
Well, I have got that bowel thing.
No, you haven't.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, no, that's cool.
No, no, no. No reason. I just thought,
if you wanted to pop round, play a bit of Xbox or something,
but it's fine another time. Yep.
All right, say hello to...
Hello?
Ah!
HE SIGHS
Coming up tonight in The Love Nest...
I like ya and I love ya, but I don't like ya know what I mean?
Yeah. I mean, no.
I just don't think you've shown me the real you.
I have. You touched it.
That's not what I mean. I just think you're a bit...
Right. I know you can hear me...
Now, I'm going to stay in here, OK?
And you stay... anywhere else.
I don't want any trouble.
I just want to watch my show,
and eat my trifle, and go to sleep...
Not that I will sleep.
Haunted house. On my own. In the middle of nowh...
Oh.
Oh, visitors!
Intruders?
Intruders.
Intruders!
tuka-tum... #
Snare drum!
Intruders!
Anyone?
Horn section!
Piccolo!
Sh!
Whatever was that?
It's the Coldstream Guards.
No, no. It come from down stair.
Now...
Ah, ah, ah!
Oh! I know what this is!
A masked ball!
No, no. We had this at the Bramptons'. It's, um...
A burglary! ..insurance fraud.
Oh, yes, I suppose it might actually be a burglary. Yeah.
Good Lord, there's another one.
Well, I can't see no cameras.
Oh, it's you, Nev.
I didn't recognise you.
I was just wearing a hat.
Oh. Right.
Let's see what's worth nicking, shall we?
All right. We have enemy insurgents.
Somebody warn Alison. Tell her to inform the authorities.
Where is she?
In bed, I think. I'll go!
In the meantime, we must NOT lose sight of them.
Fanny, keep eyes on the leader. Right.
Kitty, Mary make a note of anything that they try to steal.
We'll need a full inventory.
Ahem... A list!
Oh.
And as for you...
No! Leave this one to me.
I am placing you under a citizen's arrest.
You do not have to say anything, but anything you do say will be taken...
Wurgh! Ohhh!
Cheeky little blighter.
Tray. One tray.
Silver tray.
How dare you!
You contemptible, odious...
Candlestick. One candlestick.
No, no, no. Those come as a pair.
Forks. Just forks? You need a full canteen.
A dinner service requires a full canteen!
He's taken nothing.
Still nothing. Yes, thank you, Mary.
Young man, you are heading down a dark path.
But it's not too late, you know.
You're yet to commit a serious offence...
Borstal.
You're going to borstal. They're going to eat you alive.
Nothing here.
See?
Anything?
Can you smell that? What is that?
What?
I'm telling you this place ain't right.
You ain't right. Come on, I think I've found the DJ kit.
Right. DJ kit...
She's not here! Alison! He's alone up there.
Maybe she's left him!
Or gone out? Probably just gone out.
Gentlemen...
..we're on our own.
Right. Box, 'nother box, bigger box.
And some worms.
It is a lot to remember.
No, it's only...
What did I just say?
Oh! Alison taught me a clever way of remembering things
when I kept forgetting the colours in a rainbow.
You make a sentence with the same first letters.
So, it's Richard Of York
Gave Battle In Vain.
So that's red, orange, yellow...
..grey...
..blue... Yeah?
..indigo...
..v-v-v... ery light blue.
A rainbow!
Sounds right.
So, candlesticks, cutlery
and silver tray could be...
Cups? Yes!
Cups. And...
S-s-s-s-s...
...some more cups.
Exactly!
Oh, that muddles things. Oh.
Move it along, man! Push for the finish!
Emergency services. Yes!
What service do you require?
The police, please! The constabulary.
Do you need fire, police or ambulance?
We not think this through.
Hello, is anyone there?
Oh! The plague girl can be heard!
Yes! To the pantry!
Hang on.
Was that always like that?
Ghosts! It was definitely ghosts!
Or I might have knocked it. I do do that.
What? Do you think someone's here?
Shouldn't be, but...
Let's be on the safe side.
Cut the phone line.
No the main one.
No the main one!
Outside.
Come! Come! This way. That's it.
What? Who did that?
Right, pay attention.
Just ask for the police. Tell them a burglary is in progress
at Button House, then give them the address. Got it?
Emergency services. What service do you require?
Yes, please, Jemima.
Hello, is anyone there?
I think maybe that's all she does. Honestly.
Why is no-one ever alive when you need them?
Well... someone is.
Still nothing.
Is he dead? I wish.
No, I don't. Wait. Hang on...
Scratch his head.
Thatcher's dead?!
No. Scratch his head. Or, like, jab him.
Come on. I'm exhausted!
Don't complain about it. It's a gift. All right! Da-da-da-da!
Give me some space.
Shwa-da!
Oh, man!
Eeny meeny miny...
Main one.
You could try prodding his...
No!
No?
Hello? Can you hear me?
If you can hear me, all you have to do is...
Hmm.
Did you cut the wrong cable?
It's possible.
What d'ya reckon?
Well, it's a fine piece. Look at the brushwork.
Dunno.
Oh, you "dunno". How are things at Sotheby's?
The frame's all cracked.
Well, forget the frame, just cut out the canvas!
Ugh!
Trust me, it'll work.
Well, look, I just... I don't feel comfortable...
Oh, not still asleep?
I have been trying!
But we need his help. He's our only hope.
Star Wars!
Well, I've done my bit. Good luck with it all.
Wait!
In case of emergency...
..break glass!
Fine.
But if I get RSI, I'm suing.
Come along.
Shammo!
Mi-wadi-wadi-wadi...
Push that! Push!
Ah, good quality.
Ooh!
Ah! Made in Britain.
Right.
Shhh!
Vin!
Maybe someone is in here.
Or some-THING. Shut up, Nev.
Grab that candlestick.
Right.
Not that. That!
I thought this WAS a candlestick.
That's just a candle.
But it's in the shape of a stick.
Yes, it's the shape of a stick, but...
Look, just grab that!
All right, this isn't funny.
Stop messing about. Seriously.
He's up.
Yes, but how do we communicate with him?
Morse code!
Will he know Morse code?
Everyone knows Morse code.
Fine. I'll try.
But something light! Getting crampy.
Eh... Ah. Yes, probably not the best choice.
Hmm.
They've... They've gone what?
Mike, I can barely hear you.
Rogue! They've gone rogue! The ghosts.
He on phone!
Robin?
Ooh! It Alison!
Alison! There are insurgents!
I don't know why, but they've wrecked the joint
and broke the lights and blown the power
and I don't know what I'm going to do. Mike!
Mike. Sorry, can you stop talking? Can you open the wardrobe door?
What makes you think I'm in the wardrobe?
Are you? Yes.
Shush up! Shush up! One at a time.
Alison, there is a burglary in progress.
The authorities must be notified at once!
Oh, my... Over.
Mike! Mike, there are burglars in the house.
What?!
Can you just hang up, and stay where you are and call the police?
I'm on my way! Right.
Oh, no.
Oh, come on!
Anything?
Nope. No-one here.
Yeah, well, I definitely heard something.
Come on. Let's finish up and get out of here.
Right, if you can hear me, knock three times.
Why 3 times?
Yes! Well done.
Well, yeah, you know.
Right. OK. Where are the burglars now?
Well, how the hell am I supposed to answer that?
No, that doesn't... Um...
What does she see in him?
Right, OK...
What weapons have they got?
No. How many burglars are there?
Ah, yes, can do that.
And where are they?
Oh, this is futile.
Are they bigger than me? No...
Or smaller?
Oh, I think I've had an idea!
Me? Again?
God! I haven't worked this hard since that animal welfare bill.
YOU had an animal welfare bill?
No, no. I was lobbying against it.
Balls to animals.
This way, everyone.
To the bog! Knock twice if you're still here.
That's it.
Oh.
Very good. Good, good.
Very good. Yes, yes.
Ooh! OK, Robin.
Every time.
There we go.
OK...
..how many burglars are there?
Ah. All right. Here we go.
Come on.
Two.
20?
I need to get out of here!
What are you doing? There's not 20!
No, I was writing, "2 of them."
Just write, "2."
Well, you know, hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it?
Moron!
Hi. Do you have a car?
30 minutes. Could it be 20?
It could be 40.
I'm sorry, are you haggling with... time?
Look, it's an hour, love take it or leave it.
What are you doing? Oi! What the...?
Well, that's just wonderful, isn't it?
Michael's gone AWOL, Alison is off-base, and we have absolutely no way
of contacting the authorities. We have to do something. Any ideas?
Uh... Ooh!
Yes, please, Robin.
Oh, that's very helpful, isn't it? A deserter!
I could have you shot for that, you know!
Ooh...
Well...
Do you think this is gold?
No, it's silver.
How do you know? Because it's silver.
Just put it in the bag.
Hyah!
Why is everything so old?
Who's there?
Me, you moron. Oh, sorry, Vin.
Well, swaddle them in something!
If they crack, they're worth nothing.
Caused Godwin's dog...
..to puke up... turnip?
Juice!
I think putting it to music helped.
To be honest, I think I was nailing it anyways.
Hello.
Were you murdered while hitch-hiking, too?
Huh?
Oh, no. Oh...
No. Er, no. I was...
I've got to go. I...
Anything else?
Pete said there's disco lights.
Oh, what's got into them?
Burglars?
Stay there, Bunny.
They'll rue the day!
Hi. Hello?
Hi. Sorry, um, I know this is a long shot,
but I need to get home urgently...
Oh, look! Hi!
Hi.
know I'll stay alive... #
What? Out there? In the garden?
Who goes there?
Bitches!
No, no, no. Those were only pewter.
Save that space, and go back for the champagne!
Just here, driver!
Can you drop me...?
I can jump off at the turning.
Bye! Bye!
I reckon that's it.
You've made your bed.
Don't come crying to me when you bend over in the shower
and someone puts drugs in your bottom!
I watched a film about borstal.
Bits of it.
Well, mission very much NOT accomplished.
At least, tell me you got an inventory.
Caused...
..Godwin's dog to...
..to puke up...
..turnips...
Cups.
And a rainbow!
Just give them here. NEV: What?
Let's get out of here.
What?
Oh, my God, it's a ghost! I told you!
Get in the van, Nev.
Yeah, run away. Go on...
Oh, just leaving the witness alive, are we?
Not even a threat of violence?
At least, take some identification
and say you'll be back if he contacts the authori...
What have I become?
I can't believe we got away with it.
See? Absolute piece of...
Ah!
Don't bally move!
I've got a problem with my bowel!
Move an inch and you will have.
Good girls. Good girls!
Ah! Annabel!
Alison.
..pivots in the middle.
Ow! I fought in an actual battle...
There are burglars!
But you know that.
As a pivotal member of the local neighbourhood watch,
I was keeping my usual vigil over the surrounding estates...
The operator thought she heard a child,
so we traced the number and got the address.
What?
But we'd have been too late if it weren't for your friend here.
Thank you.
No, no. Least I could do.
No-one to blame but yourself, Neville.
You mark my words. They're going throw the book at you, son.
What do you reckon? No previous. Probably probation.
You what?!
I mean, they do still freak me out. But, well... they did good tonight.
Yeah, they properly saved our skins.
And to think, when I first met them, they seemed so selfish.
Well, close the door, then!
I've had a hell of a day.