- I had no idea so much went into a wedding.
- Speaking as your wife, that was clear.
- Hmm. - CAPTAIN: - Five boxes...
..six, seven, eight...in here.
And ten in the lobby. Excellent.
Right. Lift from the knees! Trust me, you don't want a hernia.
- Head! - What?
- ...chog.
Hedgehog. Sorry.
I thought I saw a hedgehog. - Where?
- Did you? - Mm-mm.
- No. Ah.
HUMPHREY: - Chase it out with a broom. They'll leave fleas in the rug!
- Now, the other bit. I have you down for night lookout this evening.
- Again? Can't he do it? I mean...
..me do it? - Hardly.
There's a lot of valuable ordnance on base, and, while your counterpart here
is very dextrous, observation is not his strong suit.
- OK. Fine. Pick me up at six. Literally.
- HUMPHREY CHUCKLES
- Very good.
- Oh, no, no, no! I know you're on a budget,
but where are the oyster forks?
- They're not having oysters. - What?!
- How much? To hire knives and forks?!
- It's wedding silver, Mike. It's got to be top quality.
Don't try to bend them!
- That's just what I heard. - No, don't be daft.
Course it ain't haunted.
Just act natural.
If anyone asks, we're couriers who got lost in the grounds
while looking for a toilet, cos you needed to go urgently
due to a recent operation to remove a small section of bowel.
- That's a lot of detail, Vin.
- That's what makes it believable.
Now, Pete says this place has been getting deliveries all week
for some big wedding bash.
Silverware, furniture, PA system - all quality stuff.
- So, what's the plan?
- So we case the joint, find a way in... - Uh-huh.
- ..then come back when they're asleep...
..and nick it.
- # I'll make love to you
# If you want me to
# And I'll hold you tight
# Baby, all through the night... #
- I don't want him to!
- # I'll make... # - OK!
- Great. They're doing Music Club... Well, they're busy.
They won't even know I'm out.
- You haven't told them?
- It would just become some whole big thing
and it's better if I just sneak out.
They won't bother you. - Hmm.
- You've been on your own with them before.
- Yeah, not at night, with the house all dark and creepy
and them all dead and weird.
- You still can come with us, you know?
- Nah. You go.
They're your friends, really. I'll be fine,
with the...dead people.
- Thanks for waiting. - No problem.
- This is perfect. They're going out.
Come on, now's our chance.
- But I've still got the thighs.
- God, you eat slowly.
- Well, I have got that bowel thing.
- No, you haven't.
- Oh, yeah.
- MIKE: - Yeah, no, that's cool.
No, no, no. No reason. I just thought,
if you wanted to pop round, play a bit of Xbox or something,
but it's fine - another time. Yep.
All right, say hello to...
- BEEP
- Hello?
Ah!
- HE SIGHS
TV: - Coming up tonight in The Love Nest...
- WOMAN: - I like ya and I love ya, but I don't like ya - know what I mean?
- MAN: Yeah. I mean, no.
- I just don't think you've shown me the real you.
- I have. You touched it.
- That's not what I mean. I just think you're a bit...
- TV OFF
- Right. I know you can hear me...
- HIGH-PITCHED: - # Amazing Kitty, so... #
- Now, I'm going to stay in here, OK?
And you stay...anywhere else.
- # Hurray for Kitty! #
- I don't want any trouble.
I just want to watch my show,
and eat my trifle, and go to sleep...
Not that I will sleep.
Haunted house. On my own. In the middle of nowh...
- HE SNORES
VAN APPROACHES
- Oh.
Oh, visitors!
Intruders?
Intruders.
Intruders!
- # Rum tuka-tum, rum tuka-tum Rum tuka-tum... #
Snare drum! # Pom pom pom
# Pom-pom pa-rum-pum pa-dum
# Ba ba ba... #
- Intruders!
- # Ba ba ba-dum ba pom pom pom pom... #
- Anyone?
- # Ba ba ba-dum dum ba-dum
# Ba ba ba ba ba
# Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba-dum ba ba
# Oh, ba, ba
# Rum, rum, rum! #
- HE SNORES
TO THE TUNE OF IT'S A LONG WAY TO TIPPERARY: - # Ba ba ba ba
# Ba-ba-ba ba ba
# Ba ba ba ba
# Ba ba... #
Horn section!
# Brum ba-rum bum bum bum... #
Piccolo! # Bum bum ba ba
# Bum bum ba ba
# Daddle-addle-ah
# Bum bum ba ba bum bum bum bum
# Baaa-nup
# Ba ba ba doof!
# Ba ba... #
- PIANO KEYS CLASH
- Sh!
- Whatever was that?
- It's the Coldstream Guards.
- No, no. It come from down stair.
- Now...
Ah, ah, ah!
- JULIAN: - Oh! I know what this is!
- A masked ball!
- No, no. We had this at the Bramptons'. It's, um...
- A burglary! - ..insurance fraud.
Oh, yes, I suppose it might actually be a burglary. Yeah.
- Good Lord, there's another one.
- Well, I can't see no cameras.
- Oh, it's you, Nev.
I didn't recognise you.
- I was just wearing a hat.
- Oh. Right.
Let's see what's worth nicking, shall we?
- All right. We have enemy insurgents.
Somebody warn Alison. Tell her to inform the authorities.
- Where is she?
- In bed, I think. - I'll go!
- In the meantime, we must NOT lose sight of them.
Fanny, keep eyes on the leader. - Right.
- Kitty, Mary - make a note of anything that they try to steal.
We'll need a full inventory.
- Ahem... - A list!
- Oh.
- And as for you...
- No! Leave this one to me.
I am placing you under a citizen's arrest.
You do not have to say anything, but anything you do say will be taken...
Wurgh! Ohhh!
Cheeky little blighter.
- Tray. One tray.
Silver tray.
How dare you!
- You contemptible, odious...
- Candlestick. One candlestick.
- No, no, no. Those come as a pair.
- Forks. - Just forks? You need a full canteen.
A dinner service requires a full canteen!
- He's taken nothing.
Still nothing. - Yes, thank you, Mary.
- Young man, you are heading down a dark path.
But it's not too late, you know.
You're yet to commit a serious offence...
- HE GASPS
- Borstal.
You're going to borstal. They're going to eat you alive.
- Nothing here.
- See?
- GROANS SHE
HE SNIFFS
VINNY: - Anything?
- NEV GASPS
Can you smell that? What is that?
HE SNIFFS
- What?
- I'm telling you - this place ain't right.
- You ain't right. Come on, I think I've found the DJ kit.
- Right. - DJ kit...
- She's not here! Alison! He's alone up there.
Maybe she's left him!
Or gone out? Probably just gone out.
- Gentlemen...
..we're on our own.
- Right. Box, 'nother box, bigger box.
And some worms.
- It is a lot to remember.
- No, it's only...
What did I just say?
- Oh! Alison taught me a clever way of remembering things
when I kept forgetting the colours in a rainbow.
You make a sentence with the same first letters.
So, it's Richard Of York
Gave Battle In Vain.
So that's red, orange, yellow...
..grey...
..blue... - Yeah?
- ..indigo...
..v-v-v...ery light blue.
A rainbow!
- Sounds right.
- So, candlesticks, cutlery
and silver tray could be...
- Cups? - Yes!
- Cups. And...
S-s-s-s-s...
...some more cups.
- Exactly!
- Oh, that muddles things. - Oh.
- ALL YELL
JULIAN YELLS
- Move it along, man! Push for the finish!
- CHEERING
RINGING TONE
- Emergency services. - ALL: Yes!
- What service do you require?
- The police, please! - The constabulary.
- Do you need fire, police or ambulance?
- We not think this through.
- Hello, is anyone there?
- Oh! The plague girl can be heard!
- Yes! - To the pantry!
- Hang on.
Was that always like that?
- Ghosts! It was definitely ghosts!
Or I might have knocked it. I do do that.
What? Do you think someone's here?
- Shouldn't be, but...
Let's be on the safe side.
Cut the phone line.
No - the main one.
No - the main one!
Outside.
- Come! Come! - This way. That's it.
- What? Who did that?
- JULIAN STRAINS
- Right, pay attention.
Just ask for the police. Tell them a burglary is in progress
at Button House, then give them the address. Got it?
- HE SHUDDERS
ALL CHEER
- Emergency services. What service do you require?
- Yes, please, Jemima.
- # Ring a ring o' roses
# Pocket full of posies... #
- Hello, is anyone there? - # A-tish-oo, a-tish-oo... #
- I think maybe that's all she does. - Honestly.
Why is no-one ever alive when you need them?
- Well...someone is.
- ELECTRICITY CRACKLES
ROBIN STRAINS
- Still nothing.
- Is he dead? - I wish.
No, I don't. Wait. Hang on...
- MIKE SNORES, ALL GASP
Scratch his head.
- Thatcher's dead?!
- No. Scratch his head. Or, like, jab him.
- Come on. I'm exhausted!
- Don't complain about it. It's a gift. - All right! Da-da-da-da!
Give me some space.
Shwa-da!
- HE SNORES
Oh, man!
Eeny meeny miny...
Main one.
BANG, HE SCREAMS
JULIAN STRAINS
- You could try prodding his...
- No!
- No?
- PHONE: - Hello? Can you hear me?
- TO THE TUNE OF RING A RING O' ROSES: - # Burglary in progress! #
- If you can hear me, all you have to do is...
- CONTINUOUS TONE
HE SIGHS DEEPLY
Hmm.
Did you cut the wrong cable?
- It's possible.
- HE SIGHS
What d'ya reckon?
- Well, it's a fine piece. Look at the brushwork.
- Dunno.
- Oh, you "dunno". How are things at Sotheby's?
- The frame's all cracked.
- Well, forget the frame, just cut out the canvas!
Ugh!
- Trust me, it'll work.
- Well, look, I just... I don't feel comfortable...
- Oh, not still asleep?
- I HAVE been trying!
- But we need his help. He's our only hope.
- Star Wars!
- Well, I've done my bit. Good luck with it all.
- Wait!
In case of emergency...
..break glass!
JULIAN SIGHS
- Fine.
But if I get RSI, I'm suing.
- Come along.
- Shammo!
Mi-wadi-wadi-wadi...
- Push that! Push!
ALL GROAN
- Ah, good quality.
- TOGETHER: Ooh!
- Ah! Made in Britain.
- Right.
- CLATTERING, MIKE GASPS
Shhh!
- Vin!
- WHISPERED: Maybe someone is in here.
- Or some-THING. - Shut up, Nev.
Grab that candlestick.
- Right.
- Not that. That!
- I thought this WAS a candlestick.
- That's just a candle.
- But it's in the shape of a stick.
- Yes, it's the shape of a stick, but...
Look, just grab that!
SWITCH CLICKS
- All right, this isn't funny.
Stop messing about. Seriously.
- He's up.
- Yes, but how do we communicate with him?
SNAPS FINGERS
- Morse code!
- Will he know Morse code?
- BOTH: Everyone knows Morse code.
- Fine. I'll try.
But something light! Getting crampy.
- FAINT CLICKING
CLICKING CONTINUES
CLICKING SPEEDS UP
HE SCREAMS
- Eh... Ah. - Yes, probably not the best choice.
- Hmm.
- DANCE MUSIC
They've... They've gone what?
Mike, I can barely hear you.
- Rogue! They've gone rogue! The ghosts.
- He on phone!
- Robin?
- Ooh! It Alison!
- ALL SHOUT AT ONCE
- Alison! There are insurgents!
- I don't know why, but they've wrecked the joint
and broke the lights and blown the power
and I don't know what I'm going to do. - Mike!
Mike. Sorry, can you stop talking? Can you open the wardrobe door?
- What makes you think I'm in the wardrobe?
- Are you? - Yes.
- Shush up! Shush up! One at a time.
Alison, there is a burglary in progress.
The authorities must be notified at once!
- Oh, my... - Over.
- Mike! Mike, there are burglars in the house.
- What?!
- Can you just hang up, and stay where you are and call the police?
I'm on my way! - Right.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, come on!
- VINNY: Anything?
- Nope. No-one here.
Yeah, well, I definitely heard something.
- Come on. Let's finish up and get out of here.
- Right, if you can hear me, knock three times.
- Why THREE times?
- HE STRAINS
KNOCK
HE YELLS
KNOCK
- Yes! Well done.
- Well, yeah, you know.
- Right. OK. Where are the burglars now?
- Well, how the hell am I supposed to answer that?
- No, that doesn't... Um...
- What DOES she see in him?
- Right, OK...
What weapons have they got?
No. How many burglars are there?
- Ah, yes, can do that.
- And where are they?
- ALL SIGH
- Oh, this is futile.
- Are they bigger than me? No...
Or smaller?
- PAT: Oh, I think I've had an idea!
- Me? Again?
God! I haven't worked this hard since that animal welfare bill.
- YOU had an animal welfare bill?
- No, no. I was lobbying against it.
Balls to animals.
- This way, everyone.
To the bog! - Knock twice if you're still here.
- TAP SQUEAKS
JULIAN YELLS
- That's it.
- Oh.
- Very good. - Good, good.
- Very good. - Yes, yes.
Ooh! - OK, Robin.
- Every time.
There we go.
- OK...
..how many burglars are there?
- Ah. - All right. - Here we go.
- HE STRAINS
- Come on.
- Two.
20?
I need to get out of here!
- What are you doing? There's not 20!
- No, I was writing, "2 of them."
- Just write, "2."
- Well, you know, hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it?
- Moron!
- Hi. Do you have a car?
- 30 minutes. - Could it be 20?
- It could be 40.
- I'm sorry, are you haggling with...time?
Look, it's an hour, love - take it or leave it.
- What are you doing? Oi! What the...?
- CAPTAIN: - Well, that's just wonderful, isn't it?
Michael's gone AWOL, Alison is off-base, and we have absolutely no way
of contacting the authorities. We have to do something. Any ideas?
- Uh... - Ooh!
- Yes, please, Robin.
Oh, that's very helpful, isn't it? A deserter!
I could have you shot for that, you know!
- Ooh...
- Well...
- NEV: - Do you think this is gold?
- VINNY: No, it's silver.
FLOORBOARDS CREAK
- How do you know? - Because it's silver.
Just put it in the bag.
- Hyah!
- CLATTERING
- Why is everything so old?
- NEV: - Who's there?
- Me, you moron. - Oh, sorry, Vin.
- Well, swaddle them in something!
If they crack, they're worth nothing.
- # Cut glass decanters! #
- Caused Godwin's dog...
- # Three pewter tankards! #
- ..to puke up...turnip?
- # Ju-u-ugs! #
- Juice!
- I think putting it to music helped.
- To be honest, I think I was nailing it anyways.
- ROBIN PANTS
SHE SIGHS
Hello.
- Hello.
Were you murdered while hitch-hiking, too?
- Huh?
Oh, no. Oh...
No. Er, no. I was...
I've got to go. I...
NEV: - Anything else?
- VINNY: - Pete said there's disco lights.
- HE HOWLS
DOGS BARK
- Oh, what's got into them?
Burglars?
Stay there, Bunny.
They'll rue the day!
- Hi. Hello?
Hi. Sorry, um, I know this is a long shot,
but I need to get home urgently...
GIRLS SHRIEK
GIRL: - Oh, look! Hi!
- Hi.
# I will survive
# Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive... #
DOGS BARK
- What? Out there? In the garden?
- DOGS BARK
- Who goes there?
- HOWLS
DOGS YELP
HE SIGHS
Bitches!
- No, no, no. Those were only pewter.
Save that space, and go back for the champagne!
- Just here, driver!
- # Go on, now, go! # - Can you drop me...?
I can jump off at the turning.
GIRLS: - Bye! - Bye!
- I reckon that's it.
- You've made your bed.
Don't come crying to me when you bend over in the shower
and someone puts drugs in your bottom!
I watched a film about borstal.
Bits of it.
- Well, mission very much NOT accomplished.
At least, tell me you got an inventory.
- KITTY HUMS
- Caused...
- # Two... #
- ..Godwin's dog to... - # Three...
# ..one... # - ..to puke up...
- # Drink... # - ..turnips...
Cups.
- And a rainbow!
- VINNY: Just give them here. NEV: - What?
- Let's get out of here.
What?
CLANKING
- Oh, my God, it's a ghost! I told you!
- CREAKING
MIKE SCREAMS
Get in the van, Nev.
MIKE: - Yeah, run away. Go on...
- Oh, just leaving the witness alive, are we?
Not even a threat of violence?
At least, take some identification
and say you'll be back if he contacts the authori...
What have I become?
- SHE PANTS
NEV: - I can't believe we got away with it.
- See? Absolute piece of...
VINNY YELLS
CRASH
DOGS BARK
- Ah!
- Don't bally move!
- I've got a problem with my bowel!
- Move an inch and you will have.
- Good girls. Good girls!
- Ah! Annabel!
- SHE PANTS
Alison.
- ..pivots in the middle.
- HUMPHREY YELLS
- Ow! - I fought in an actual battle...
- There are burglars!
But you know that.
- POLICE RADIO CHATTER
- As a pivotal member of the local neighbourhood watch,
I was keeping my usual vigil over the surrounding estates...
- The operator thought she heard a child,
so we traced the number and got the address.
- What?
- But we'd have been too late if it weren't for your friend here.
- Thank you.
- No, no. Least I could do.
- No-one to blame but yourself, Neville.
You mark my words. They're going throw the book at you, son.
- What do you reckon? - No previous. Probably probation.
- You what?!
- I mean, they do still freak me out. But, well...they did good tonight.
- Yeah, they properly saved our skins.
And to think, when I first met them, they seemed so selfish.
TAP GUSHES
SPLUTTERS
- Well, close the door, then!
I've had a hell of a day.
- HE EXHALES DEEPLY