1 00:00:10,443 --> 00:00:13,323 Too upset... to cry. 2 00:00:19,763 --> 00:00:22,123 That might be the most I've ever told them off. 3 00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:25,323 That might be the most she's ever told us off. 4 00:00:49,603 --> 00:00:52,403 {\an8}I've just never seen Alison so angry. 5 00:00:52,403 --> 00:00:55,363 {\an8}She used a word I'd never heard before 6 00:00:55,363 --> 00:00:57,163 as a verb and a noun. 7 00:00:57,163 --> 00:00:59,363 Yes, was rather colourful. I mean, 8 00:00:59,363 --> 00:01:01,683 I did some pretty awful things back in the day, 9 00:01:01,683 --> 00:01:05,123 but I have never been rebuked like th... 10 00:01:05,123 --> 00:01:07,723 Oh, hang on, actually. 11 00:01:07,723 --> 00:01:09,603 There was this one time... 12 00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:11,843 Oh, and they just go on and on and on and on. 13 00:01:11,843 --> 00:01:13,683 And they know that we're stressed, 14 00:01:13,683 --> 00:01:15,163 with the Gatehouse and this place. 15 00:01:15,163 --> 00:01:17,603 I know. They're a lot. 16 00:01:17,603 --> 00:01:20,323 I mean, I find them a lot, and I can't see or hear them. 17 00:01:22,723 --> 00:01:24,203 Turns out, 18 00:01:24,203 --> 00:01:27,883 the arms contract had been sold to the newspapers 19 00:01:27,883 --> 00:01:30,083 by one of the prostitutes. 20 00:01:30,083 --> 00:01:33,403 Too confused to cry. 21 00:01:33,403 --> 00:01:35,923 So, how do we make things right? 22 00:01:35,923 --> 00:01:38,443 Well, you'd have to refund the Libyans, 23 00:01:38,443 --> 00:01:39,843 find the prostitute... 24 00:01:39,843 --> 00:01:41,203 With Alison! Oh. 25 00:01:41,203 --> 00:01:44,203 Well, is obvious. 26 00:01:44,203 --> 00:01:46,803 We need say sorry. 27 00:01:46,803 --> 00:01:48,603 Huh? 28 00:01:48,603 --> 00:01:51,003 No. No, no, no, no, no. 29 00:01:51,003 --> 00:01:52,363 No, that... Ye... 30 00:01:52,363 --> 00:01:55,323 Yeah, no, just... Just thanks for letting us know. 31 00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:58,083 Yeah. All the best, yeah. Bye-bye. Bye. Bye. 32 00:01:58,083 --> 00:02:00,043 Bye. 33 00:02:00,043 --> 00:02:02,003 Unbelievable! 34 00:02:02,003 --> 00:02:03,723 I mean, how selfish can you be? 35 00:02:03,723 --> 00:02:05,563 What happened? The Carters just cancelled. 36 00:02:05,563 --> 00:02:06,883 What? Why? 37 00:02:06,883 --> 00:02:08,723 Because they're evil. 38 00:02:08,723 --> 00:02:10,643 Er, and maybe because their cat's ill. 39 00:02:10,643 --> 00:02:12,163 But mainly cos they're evil. 40 00:02:12,163 --> 00:02:13,883 I mean, what is the point 41 00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:15,883 in us offering five-star service 42 00:02:15,883 --> 00:02:18,243 if there's no-one here to give it five stars? 43 00:02:18,243 --> 00:02:20,803 Hey, you know what this means? That we're going to go bankrupt? 44 00:02:20,803 --> 00:02:21,843 It means that 45 00:02:21,843 --> 00:02:24,043 a very nice little guesthouse that I know of 46 00:02:24,043 --> 00:02:26,323 happens to have a last-minute vacancy. 47 00:02:26,323 --> 00:02:29,643 Yeah, I just told you that. 48 00:02:29,643 --> 00:02:32,043 No, I mean... for us. Well, for you. 49 00:02:32,043 --> 00:02:34,163 You never lose it like you did this morning, 50 00:02:34,163 --> 00:02:35,243 even with that lot. 51 00:02:35,243 --> 00:02:37,923 You're frazzled. You need to unwind. 52 00:02:37,923 --> 00:02:41,123 Listen, if I said you had a day off 53 00:02:41,123 --> 00:02:43,523 and you could do anything you wanted, what would it be? 54 00:02:43,523 --> 00:02:45,763 I don't know. 55 00:02:45,763 --> 00:02:48,403 Like... maybe a spa day? 56 00:02:48,403 --> 00:02:49,603 Mm. 57 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,323 Or maybe like a nice meal. 58 00:02:51,323 --> 00:02:53,203 Or a picnic! 59 00:02:54,323 --> 00:02:56,123 Or the cinema. 60 00:02:56,123 --> 00:02:57,443 Well, that's what we'll do. 61 00:02:57,443 --> 00:02:58,883 Which? 62 00:02:58,883 --> 00:03:00,563 All of it. 63 00:03:00,563 --> 00:03:01,923 We have to be very careful. 64 00:03:01,923 --> 00:03:05,043 I'm just saying, if we want Alison to hear us out, 65 00:03:05,043 --> 00:03:07,723 we should send the person she likes the most. 66 00:03:07,723 --> 00:03:10,323 Very well. I shall try, but I can't guarantee... 67 00:03:12,083 --> 00:03:14,443 I was thinking more Kitty. 68 00:03:14,443 --> 00:03:17,603 Is that wise under the circumstances? After all, 69 00:03:17,603 --> 00:03:19,283 it was Kitty who pushed her over the edge. 70 00:03:19,283 --> 00:03:21,003 That's a lie! 71 00:03:21,003 --> 00:03:22,563 You said you wished she was dead. 72 00:03:22,563 --> 00:03:23,923 No, I didn't. 73 00:03:23,923 --> 00:03:26,403 Quite the opposite. I said that I wanted to comfort her 74 00:03:26,403 --> 00:03:28,363 and hope that one day, God willing, 75 00:03:28,363 --> 00:03:30,603 I'll be able to hug her and hold her and... 76 00:03:30,603 --> 00:03:31,963 Yes, I see what you mean. 77 00:03:31,963 --> 00:03:34,963 But it was you who made her use the C-word. 78 00:03:34,963 --> 00:03:38,403 It was you who was being callous. Oh! 79 00:03:38,403 --> 00:03:40,363 Come on, it was one little finger. 80 00:03:40,363 --> 00:03:42,883 It was inappropriate. 81 00:03:42,883 --> 00:03:44,283 I just so missed the texture. 82 00:03:44,283 --> 00:03:46,563 Mm. I was being the soldier. 83 00:03:46,563 --> 00:03:49,323 You are not to use that term! Oh, here he goes, 84 00:03:49,323 --> 00:03:51,483 barking his orders. No wonder she's sick of you. 85 00:03:51,483 --> 00:03:53,963 Do not lay this at my door, sir! 86 00:03:53,963 --> 00:03:56,723 I was merely telling Robin not to play with the lamps... 87 00:03:56,723 --> 00:03:58,523 Hey, no you pin this on me! Was Fanny, 88 00:03:58,523 --> 00:04:00,283 with the yibbayabba, yibbayabba. 89 00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:02,283 Excuse me, Robin! It was nothing to do... 90 00:04:11,123 --> 00:04:12,203 Oh! 91 00:04:12,203 --> 00:04:14,643 Five stars, right? Yeah. 92 00:04:14,643 --> 00:04:16,243 And it's all ours. 93 00:04:18,163 --> 00:04:19,883 Ooooh, yeah. Oh, 94 00:04:19,883 --> 00:04:22,683 you've go to have a go on some of... What? 95 00:04:22,683 --> 00:04:26,163 Sorry. I'm just thinking about how long it takes to change the bedding. 96 00:04:26,163 --> 00:04:28,643 No, no, no. No. We're not thinking about bedding, 97 00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:30,523 or cleaning, 98 00:04:30,523 --> 00:04:32,363 or hoovering or dusting or bin change... 99 00:04:33,683 --> 00:04:35,643 Yeah, you're right. It was a terrible idea. 100 00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:37,283 It's never going to happen, is it? 101 00:04:37,283 --> 00:04:39,483 So, day off's off? No, day off's on. 102 00:04:39,483 --> 00:04:41,643 Just... not here. 103 00:04:41,643 --> 00:04:44,283 Er... I've got a better idea. 104 00:04:44,283 --> 00:04:46,643 You want a piece of me?! 105 00:04:46,643 --> 00:04:48,443 Right. Right. Right! 106 00:04:50,283 --> 00:04:51,483 Bang! 107 00:04:51,483 --> 00:04:53,363 Oh! What are you doing? 108 00:04:53,363 --> 00:04:55,443 I was firing my pistol into the air. 109 00:04:55,443 --> 00:04:57,403 You don't have a pistol. 110 00:04:57,403 --> 00:04:59,843 Well, we didn't win the war with attitudes like that, did we? 111 00:04:59,843 --> 00:05:02,323 This blame game is getting us nowhere. 112 00:05:02,323 --> 00:05:05,123 It's quite clear that we all share some responsibility 113 00:05:05,123 --> 00:05:07,883 for provoking Alison's outburst, 114 00:05:07,883 --> 00:05:11,003 whether it's Julian fingering, Fanny's lip 115 00:05:11,003 --> 00:05:12,763 or Mary and her... 116 00:05:12,763 --> 00:05:17,483 Why, Mary, I do believe that you didn't do anything wrong. 117 00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:21,163 Oh, no. Er... No. I suppose... I suppose not. 118 00:05:21,163 --> 00:05:23,883 Hey, this is perfect! 119 00:05:23,883 --> 00:05:25,963 Alison can't be cross with Mary 120 00:05:25,963 --> 00:05:27,683 if she's done nothing wrong. 121 00:05:27,683 --> 00:05:30,923 Let's send Mary in with our apologies, 122 00:05:30,923 --> 00:05:33,363 wait for the dust to settle, and then... 123 00:05:33,363 --> 00:05:34,443 Yeah, no, actually. 124 00:05:34,443 --> 00:05:38,363 No. I'm thinking... no. To that. To doing that. 125 00:05:38,363 --> 00:05:40,723 But you're our secret weapon, Mary. 126 00:05:40,723 --> 00:05:42,843 Yeah. No. Right. It's just... 127 00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:45,963 Erm, I tooks the fall for something I didn't do 128 00:05:45,963 --> 00:05:47,923 once before, and it didn't turn out 129 00:05:47,923 --> 00:05:50,403 all that well for me. 130 00:05:50,403 --> 00:05:53,243 So I'm... I'm thinkin', erm, maybe this time 131 00:05:53,243 --> 00:05:56,003 I'm going to leave the guilt for the guilty. 132 00:05:56,003 --> 00:05:59,603 Cos someone in this room has done nothing wrong! 133 00:06:02,483 --> 00:06:05,763 Ah. Looks like it has to be one of us. 134 00:06:05,763 --> 00:06:07,643 Any volunteers? 135 00:06:09,163 --> 00:06:12,403 Or we could do nominations? 136 00:06:12,403 --> 00:06:13,803 Ah, well in that case... 137 00:06:19,403 --> 00:06:21,123 Oooh. Mm! 138 00:06:21,123 --> 00:06:24,603 I like it. Homely. Really homely. 139 00:06:24,603 --> 00:06:27,123 Oh, I think these might be the owners. 140 00:06:27,123 --> 00:06:29,603 Oh-ho, she did all right! 141 00:06:29,603 --> 00:06:30,883 What are you doing? 142 00:06:30,883 --> 00:06:33,363 You can't go lying down, you've got relaxing to do. 143 00:06:33,363 --> 00:06:35,163 Do you hear yourself? 144 00:06:35,163 --> 00:06:37,003 We have a list. Your list. 145 00:06:37,003 --> 00:06:39,403 And we've just lost 45 minutes going nowhere. 146 00:06:39,403 --> 00:06:42,083 Well, if it's my list, I'm adding lying down. 147 00:06:43,163 --> 00:06:46,403 OK, OK. But it's already 10.30, so we can't just go adding... 148 00:06:47,963 --> 00:06:51,003 You know what? It's fine. Er... 149 00:06:51,003 --> 00:06:53,883 If we combine it with "listening to some music," 150 00:06:53,883 --> 00:06:56,323 then I think I can make it work. 151 00:06:56,323 --> 00:06:57,683 Deal. 152 00:06:57,683 --> 00:06:59,243 OK, so I just add that on, 153 00:06:59,243 --> 00:07:01,483 cross it off, 154 00:07:01,483 --> 00:07:04,483 and we're back on track. Almost. 155 00:07:04,483 --> 00:07:06,403 Right. See you in 30. 156 00:07:06,403 --> 00:07:08,723 Where are you going? Shop. We need ingredients. 157 00:07:08,723 --> 00:07:10,043 Ingredients for what? 158 00:07:10,043 --> 00:07:12,123 Whatever you want. It's your day. 159 00:07:12,123 --> 00:07:14,723 Oh. OK, so could we get...? 160 00:07:14,723 --> 00:07:15,923 No time. Text me. 161 00:07:19,243 --> 00:07:20,443 No, no... 162 00:07:22,483 --> 00:07:23,523 Er... 163 00:07:23,523 --> 00:07:25,603 You've got the most to apologise for. 164 00:07:25,603 --> 00:07:29,483 Tadadadadadada! Tadadadadadada! 165 00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:31,683 Chacachac, clink, clink, clink... 166 00:07:31,683 --> 00:07:33,203 Now... 167 00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:36,483 Yeah. I did not for a moment want to bring out 168 00:07:36,483 --> 00:07:38,163 the Bren Mark 1 light machinegun 169 00:07:38,163 --> 00:07:40,563 in such an enclosed space, but you forced my hand. 170 00:07:40,563 --> 00:07:43,603 Is he having a breakdown? Very hard to tell. 171 00:07:43,603 --> 00:07:45,883 This bickering is futile. 172 00:07:45,883 --> 00:07:47,923 If nobody wants to take on this mission, 173 00:07:47,923 --> 00:07:50,763 then, as ranking officer, I shall step up to the plate 174 00:07:50,763 --> 00:07:53,483 and issue an apology on behalf of the entire unit. 175 00:07:53,483 --> 00:07:55,643 My command experience has taught me 176 00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:57,843 a thing or two about effective communication 177 00:07:57,843 --> 00:08:00,843 you have to be direct, concise and to the point. 178 00:08:04,163 --> 00:08:05,403 Apologies. 179 00:08:05,403 --> 00:08:07,163 Not accepted. Understood. 180 00:08:09,523 --> 00:08:11,923 She can't be reasoned with. Nothing to be done. 181 00:08:11,923 --> 00:08:14,643 We shall just have to avoid her until she dies. 182 00:08:14,643 --> 00:08:16,123 Probably longer. 183 00:08:16,123 --> 00:08:19,403 Yes, well, whilst I'm sure you mined every ounce 184 00:08:19,403 --> 00:08:21,163 of your natural warmth, do you think 185 00:08:21,163 --> 00:08:23,283 you could take us through your key messaging? 186 00:08:24,323 --> 00:08:26,843 What? Yeah, thought so. 187 00:08:26,843 --> 00:08:28,283 You see, you can't just go around 188 00:08:28,283 --> 00:08:29,963 shouting orders at people any more. 189 00:08:29,963 --> 00:08:32,043 He's got a point. Silence. 190 00:08:32,043 --> 00:08:34,283 Communication's become much more nuanced 191 00:08:34,283 --> 00:08:38,083 in this modern age of car phones and pagers. 192 00:08:38,083 --> 00:08:41,043 But, luckily, 193 00:08:41,043 --> 00:08:42,923 you're looking at one of history's 194 00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:44,403 greatest communicators, 195 00:08:44,403 --> 00:08:45,643 the brains behind some of 196 00:08:45,643 --> 00:08:48,043 the most memorable political slogans 197 00:08:48,043 --> 00:08:50,203 of the 20th century. Erm... 198 00:08:50,203 --> 00:08:54,403 "Family, family, family." Yours truly. 199 00:08:54,403 --> 00:08:57,643 As was..."Better for Britain." 200 00:08:57,643 --> 00:08:59,283 "I'm in. Are you?" 201 00:08:59,283 --> 00:09:03,603 And of course... "A dog's just for Christmas." 202 00:09:03,603 --> 00:09:06,483 I think it was..."A dog's not just for Christmas." 203 00:09:06,483 --> 00:09:09,083 No. One year, there was a surplus. 204 00:09:09,083 --> 00:09:11,683 Must have been the heat. Oh, surely not him. 205 00:09:11,683 --> 00:09:14,763 Yep, that was another one. Election '83. 206 00:09:37,363 --> 00:09:38,603 OK, then. 207 00:09:38,603 --> 00:09:43,403 I now declare this meeting of Being In The Right Club 208 00:09:43,403 --> 00:09:45,043 officially open. 209 00:09:46,323 --> 00:09:47,443 What's that? 210 00:09:47,443 --> 00:09:50,043 Oh, no, it's just, erm, 211 00:09:50,043 --> 00:09:52,363 just us today, Flo. 212 00:09:52,363 --> 00:09:53,443 Just us. 213 00:10:01,803 --> 00:10:04,403 No. Yeah. 214 00:10:19,763 --> 00:10:21,483 Yes? 215 00:10:21,483 --> 00:10:23,403 We're closer... 216 00:10:23,403 --> 00:10:25,523 ...together. 217 00:10:25,523 --> 00:10:27,643 What? 218 00:10:27,643 --> 00:10:29,843 We're closer... Yeah? 219 00:10:29,843 --> 00:10:33,243 ...together. Mm-hm. 220 00:10:33,243 --> 00:10:34,843 Than what? Oh, come on! 221 00:10:34,843 --> 00:10:37,683 This is very clear messaging. How are you not getting this? 222 00:10:37,683 --> 00:10:43,523 We - you and us - are closer you know, rubbing along, 223 00:10:43,523 --> 00:10:45,523 despite your over-sensitivity, 224 00:10:45,523 --> 00:10:47,523 together - 225 00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:49,763 ie, not off moping in our rooms about, 226 00:10:49,763 --> 00:10:51,963 I don't know, whatever petty grievance it is 227 00:10:51,963 --> 00:10:54,043 that's got you in such a tizz. 228 00:10:54,043 --> 00:10:58,203 So let's admit mistakes were made on both sides 229 00:10:58,203 --> 00:10:59,523 and hope that tomorrow 230 00:10:59,523 --> 00:11:01,403 you get out of the bed the right side. 231 00:11:01,403 --> 00:11:04,283 Because the fact is... 232 00:11:04,283 --> 00:11:06,283 ...we are closer... 233 00:11:06,283 --> 00:11:08,603 ...together. 234 00:11:09,603 --> 00:11:11,163 Go away. 235 00:11:14,003 --> 00:11:15,683 Now, that's clear messaging. 236 00:11:22,083 --> 00:11:23,483 Did you forget your keys? 237 00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:26,163 No, no, I'm still at the shop. Ingredients crisis. 238 00:11:26,163 --> 00:11:28,603 There's chicken, but no breadcrumbs, so Milanese is off. 239 00:11:28,603 --> 00:11:30,723 Er, I can do salmon if you can live without lemon. 240 00:11:30,723 --> 00:11:32,803 Do they have broccoli? Normal, not purple, 241 00:11:32,803 --> 00:11:34,643 but I could switch for asparagus if... 242 00:11:34,643 --> 00:11:36,323 Without lemon? I wasn't thinking. OK. 243 00:11:36,323 --> 00:11:38,763 Yeah. Let's bring back the chicken. We'll go peri peri. 244 00:11:38,763 --> 00:11:41,243 Do they have paprika? Er, normal, not smoky. 245 00:11:41,243 --> 00:11:42,963 OK, OK. Let's make it satay. 246 00:11:42,963 --> 00:11:44,923 Which aisle is peanuts? 247 00:11:44,923 --> 00:11:47,403 Just get peanut butter. Smooth or crunchy? Just get both. 248 00:11:47,403 --> 00:11:50,443 But that's back with jams. I haven't got time. Just leave it. Get out. 249 00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:51,723 I'm coming out. Go! Go! 250 00:11:51,723 --> 00:11:53,043 Any joy? 251 00:11:53,043 --> 00:11:54,803 Well, you know, er, 252 00:11:54,803 --> 00:11:57,203 how does one define success? 253 00:11:58,323 --> 00:11:59,483 Messed it up. 254 00:12:00,523 --> 00:12:02,563 I suppose Elton John was right. 255 00:12:02,563 --> 00:12:05,683 Sorry does seem to be the hardest word. 256 00:12:05,683 --> 00:12:08,763 No. Hardest word is "apolocathry." 257 00:12:09,843 --> 00:12:11,323 Ap... 258 00:12:11,323 --> 00:12:15,203 Hang on. Maybe Elton John had a point. 259 00:12:15,203 --> 00:12:19,883 If it's too hard to say it, could we sing it? 260 00:12:22,683 --> 00:12:25,283 Hey. Still relaxing? All relaxed? 261 00:12:25,283 --> 00:12:26,603 Where have you been? 262 00:12:26,603 --> 00:12:29,363 Yeah. Well, turns out that if you run out 263 00:12:29,363 --> 00:12:31,523 of a supermarket still holding a pack of stock cubes, 264 00:12:31,523 --> 00:12:33,403 security want to have a little word with you. 265 00:12:33,403 --> 00:12:35,203 Oh, God. Yeah, no, it's fine. 266 00:12:35,203 --> 00:12:38,123 I, er.. I made this great joke about pinching their stock, 267 00:12:38,123 --> 00:12:39,963 and we're basically mates now. He loved it. 268 00:12:39,963 --> 00:12:42,163 Yeah? Yeah. Whoa, OK. 269 00:12:42,163 --> 00:12:45,363 Er, there's no time to cook and we have nothing to cook, 270 00:12:45,363 --> 00:12:48,043 so I thought we can order something in. 271 00:12:48,043 --> 00:12:49,883 Like... pizza? What's faster than pizza? 272 00:12:49,883 --> 00:12:51,323 Pizza's fine. Yeah? 273 00:12:51,323 --> 00:12:52,603 Yeah. OK, great. 274 00:12:52,603 --> 00:12:53,803 Well, you order the pizza, 275 00:12:53,803 --> 00:12:57,083 and I will dig out the picnic set. Pizza picnic? 276 00:12:57,083 --> 00:12:58,123 Yeah. 277 00:12:58,123 --> 00:13:00,603 Well, you wanted a picnic, so you're having a picnic. 278 00:13:00,603 --> 00:13:01,683 Aw. 279 00:13:04,803 --> 00:13:07,163 I think it may be... carpet picnic. 280 00:13:07,163 --> 00:13:09,123 Good call. All right. 281 00:13:09,123 --> 00:13:10,403 You just keep relaxing. 282 00:13:10,403 --> 00:13:11,923 OK. Er... OK. 283 00:13:15,123 --> 00:13:17,603 But order a pizza! Oh, all righty! 284 00:13:17,603 --> 00:13:20,003 But lyrics are a form of poetry, 285 00:13:20,003 --> 00:13:23,003 and mastery of the English language is my... 286 00:13:24,683 --> 00:13:25,883 ...thing. Yeah, I know. 287 00:13:25,883 --> 00:13:28,163 It's just that you can be a little maudlin, mate, 288 00:13:28,163 --> 00:13:30,323 and I think it should be something upbeat, 289 00:13:30,323 --> 00:13:32,203 like, have you heard of Ging Gang Goolie? 290 00:13:32,203 --> 00:13:33,283 The disease? 291 00:13:33,283 --> 00:13:34,683 What? 292 00:13:34,683 --> 00:13:37,203 No. As in like, you know, "Ging Gang Goolie gotcha." 293 00:13:37,203 --> 00:13:38,603 It most certainly did not! 294 00:13:38,603 --> 00:13:41,403 Although I hear Byron had a terrible case. 295 00:13:41,403 --> 00:13:44,003 Wha...? Look, clearly neither of you 296 00:13:44,003 --> 00:13:45,683 are exactly Cole Porter. Who? 297 00:13:45,683 --> 00:13:48,483 My Heart Belongs To Daddy? 298 00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,603 Philistines. My point is, perhaps you should look 299 00:13:52,603 --> 00:13:55,203 to a more skilled songsmith for your inspiration. 300 00:13:55,203 --> 00:13:57,443 I mean, how does John Elton compose? 301 00:13:57,443 --> 00:14:00,203 Oh, for the last time, it's not Elton, comma, John. 302 00:14:00,203 --> 00:14:03,003 It's Elton John! And he has a co-writer. 303 00:14:03,003 --> 00:14:05,443 Bernie does the words, and Elt does the music. 304 00:14:05,443 --> 00:14:07,803 Ah! Music's being taken care of, 305 00:14:07,803 --> 00:14:09,363 thank you very much. 306 00:14:17,923 --> 00:14:21,323 OK. Sure my note was in there somewhere. 307 00:14:28,563 --> 00:14:31,643 No, no. I want no part in this embarrassing spectacle, 308 00:14:31,643 --> 00:14:34,843 this circus of contrition! 309 00:14:34,843 --> 00:14:36,763 Oooh! That's a good name for the band. 310 00:14:36,763 --> 00:14:38,363 Cool name. Yeah. 311 00:14:38,363 --> 00:14:39,883 Apoloclubby. 312 00:14:39,883 --> 00:14:40,923 Apothecary. 313 00:14:40,923 --> 00:14:42,003 Apottecaty. 314 00:14:42,003 --> 00:14:43,963 Apothecary. Apoppercappy. 315 00:14:43,963 --> 00:14:45,963 Just say chemist. No, no, no. 316 00:14:45,963 --> 00:14:48,323 Come on. Come on. Ugh. 317 00:14:48,323 --> 00:14:49,803 Apothecary. 318 00:14:49,803 --> 00:14:51,563 Apolicecathery. 319 00:14:53,083 --> 00:14:54,843 No, no... 320 00:14:54,843 --> 00:14:57,283 No point wailing 'bout it. You made your beds. 321 00:14:57,283 --> 00:15:01,083 Perhaps you'll think 'bout your actions from this day hence. 322 00:15:03,523 --> 00:15:06,963 Justice is a fickle wench, 323 00:15:06,963 --> 00:15:08,963 but 'pon this occasion 324 00:15:08,963 --> 00:15:10,723 fairly served, 325 00:15:10,723 --> 00:15:13,323 for 'tis heartening indeed 326 00:15:13,323 --> 00:15:16,723 to feel not a licking flame, 327 00:15:16,723 --> 00:15:18,763 but the warmth of a righteous sun. 328 00:15:22,123 --> 00:15:25,163 I think things are clearing up a bit, Flo. 329 00:15:26,283 --> 00:15:28,643 No. I don't want a refund, I want our pizza. 330 00:15:28,643 --> 00:15:30,523 What do you mean, 331 00:15:30,523 --> 00:15:32,803 you can't find the house? It's the only house. 332 00:15:32,803 --> 00:15:35,563 If you're within three miles and there's a building, that's us. 333 00:15:35,563 --> 00:15:37,963 Hello? Hello? 334 00:15:39,723 --> 00:15:42,963 slight change of plan. 335 00:15:42,963 --> 00:15:44,363 Today's picnic will be courtesy 336 00:15:44,363 --> 00:15:45,803 of the little shop at the garage. 337 00:15:45,803 --> 00:15:49,083 But they only do crisps. They do more than crisps. 338 00:15:49,083 --> 00:15:50,403 All right, I'll be back in ten. 339 00:15:50,403 --> 00:15:51,443 Er... 340 00:15:54,763 --> 00:15:57,123 Relax! Yep. 341 00:15:59,203 --> 00:16:00,843 ...poth... ...poth... 342 00:16:00,843 --> 00:16:04,083 ...ecary. ..ecary. Apothecary. Apothgagary. 343 00:16:04,083 --> 00:16:07,363 Which is it? Which is it? 344 00:16:07,363 --> 00:16:09,523 It's all one thing - R&B. 345 00:16:09,523 --> 00:16:11,323 Like S&M. 346 00:16:11,323 --> 00:16:12,883 What's S&M? Ah, well... 347 00:16:12,883 --> 00:16:15,403 More electronic, I think. A lot of fun, a bit naughty. 348 00:16:15,403 --> 00:16:17,483 Is it a firm no to country? I think it should be 349 00:16:17,483 --> 00:16:19,203 pop music. Country is pop. 350 00:16:19,203 --> 00:16:21,843 Hey. Hey! 351 00:16:21,843 --> 00:16:24,523 Order! Orderrrr! 352 00:16:24,523 --> 00:16:26,523 Thank goodness. 353 00:16:26,523 --> 00:16:28,523 I don't think I had a grenade-launcher in me. 354 00:16:28,523 --> 00:16:30,163 All this petty squabbling. 355 00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:32,083 God knows how they pulled off Band Aid. 356 00:16:32,083 --> 00:16:34,443 Ah, now, there's only one way to pull off a Band-Aid - 357 00:16:34,443 --> 00:16:37,283 smooth, quick motion against the grain of the hairs. 358 00:16:37,283 --> 00:16:41,083 No, no, Band Aid. Christmas '84. 359 00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:43,403 Or were you already, er...? 360 00:16:44,603 --> 00:16:47,043 I was dead. Yes, I had passed. 361 00:16:47,043 --> 00:16:48,843 Blimey. You really did go too soon. 362 00:16:50,003 --> 00:16:52,123 No, Band Aid was a charity single, 363 00:16:52,123 --> 00:16:55,043 featuring all the top pop acts of the day. 364 00:16:55,043 --> 00:16:56,683 Like S Club. 365 00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:59,323 Er, more like Culture Club. Yeah. Was number one for ages. 366 00:16:59,323 --> 00:17:01,643 What, and they all just mucked in? 367 00:17:01,643 --> 00:17:02,763 Like, sung it together? 368 00:17:02,763 --> 00:17:05,483 Yeah. They all kind of did a little bit each, you know. 369 00:17:14,443 --> 00:17:16,323 Have you tried a cheese and onion one 370 00:17:16,323 --> 00:17:17,603 with a roast beef one? 371 00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:19,083 Tastes like a pasty. 372 00:17:19,083 --> 00:17:22,083 I think I've tried all the combinations now. 373 00:17:23,123 --> 00:17:25,643 Any luck with the bath? Nearly there. 374 00:17:25,643 --> 00:17:27,883 Water pressure is a joke. It doesn't matter. 375 00:17:27,883 --> 00:17:29,403 It doesn't need to be deep. 376 00:17:29,403 --> 00:17:32,123 I'll just sink anyway. I'm mostly potato now. 377 00:17:32,123 --> 00:17:36,283 Mm, delicious. In that case, your bath is drawn, m'lady. 378 00:17:38,643 --> 00:17:41,163 Oh, wow. You know those are for sharing, right? 379 00:17:41,163 --> 00:17:42,723 Too late. 380 00:17:44,283 --> 00:17:46,723 It's not quite a day spa, but... 381 00:17:46,723 --> 00:17:48,283 No, it's perfect. 382 00:17:48,283 --> 00:17:49,763 You're the best. 383 00:17:49,763 --> 00:17:51,363 I am the best. 384 00:17:51,363 --> 00:17:54,563 Right, get in. We've got 34 minutes if you want to make the cinema. 385 00:17:54,563 --> 00:17:56,003 Go, go, go. 386 00:17:57,763 --> 00:17:59,723 Oooh... 387 00:18:01,003 --> 00:18:04,243 Oh. Wine. Er, one sec. 388 00:18:08,723 --> 00:18:12,763 Yeah, and Robin, Captain and then Kitty to end. 389 00:18:12,763 --> 00:18:14,923 Should I not...? Kitty to end. 390 00:18:16,123 --> 00:18:17,523 OK, here we go. 391 00:18:17,523 --> 00:18:22,243 A-one. A-two. A-one, two, three... 392 00:18:27,683 --> 00:18:32,603 OK. A-one, a-two. A-one, two, thr... 393 00:18:38,083 --> 00:18:39,443 In a-one... 394 00:18:39,443 --> 00:18:41,163 Got it. 395 00:18:41,163 --> 00:18:46,203 Now, I know today hasn't been entirely plain sailing so far, 396 00:18:46,203 --> 00:18:47,923 but I am about to turn it around. 397 00:18:47,923 --> 00:18:51,203 Because, tonight, we are dining 398 00:18:51,203 --> 00:18:52,323 at the French place. 399 00:18:52,323 --> 00:18:54,043 Mm-hm! Mm! 400 00:18:54,043 --> 00:18:55,283 Ooh la la! Ooh la... 401 00:18:55,283 --> 00:18:56,683 Let me just give them a call 402 00:18:56,683 --> 00:18:58,163 and check that they've got a table. 403 00:18:58,163 --> 00:19:00,203 Actually, I should've done that first. 404 00:19:00,203 --> 00:19:01,563 Er... 405 00:19:01,563 --> 00:19:02,843 Bonjour. 406 00:19:02,843 --> 00:19:05,683 Er, I am just wondering if you have a table tonight 407 00:19:05,683 --> 00:19:07,203 for two, around eight-ish? 408 00:19:08,283 --> 00:19:10,123 You can squeeze us in? 409 00:19:10,123 --> 00:19:11,163 Yes! Wonderful. 410 00:19:11,163 --> 00:19:12,723 Merci. Yes, the name is, erm... 411 00:19:12,723 --> 00:19:14,763 Argh! Phone. No. 412 00:19:14,763 --> 00:19:16,723 Oh! Wine! Waah! 413 00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:19,243 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 414 00:19:20,443 --> 00:19:23,563 Fine. You shower off, I'll call 'em back. 415 00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,563 Oh, it's in my hair! Where's your phone? 416 00:19:25,563 --> 00:19:27,123 Oh, it's on the be... 417 00:19:27,123 --> 00:19:28,323 Oh! Oh! What now? 418 00:19:28,323 --> 00:19:29,683 No more hot! 419 00:19:31,363 --> 00:19:32,683 Argh! 420 00:19:32,683 --> 00:19:34,763 Oh, hello? Yes, we were just on the phone... 421 00:19:35,803 --> 00:19:37,563 No, no, no, that's just my wife screaming. 422 00:19:37,563 --> 00:19:39,723 I was just talking to you earlier about a table 423 00:19:39,723 --> 00:19:42,523 when we got... You're kidding me! It was like one minute ago. 424 00:19:42,523 --> 00:19:45,123 Fine, but you're telling my wife. 425 00:19:45,123 --> 00:19:47,963 Hello? Hello? 426 00:19:47,963 --> 00:19:49,403 Table's gone. 427 00:19:49,403 --> 00:19:51,163 Yeah? Yeah. 428 00:20:01,603 --> 00:20:04,643 You have to listen to what I am doing. 429 00:20:06,003 --> 00:20:07,443 I mean, come on. 430 00:20:07,443 --> 00:20:09,283 One is reminded of Battersea Dogs Home. 431 00:20:09,283 --> 00:20:12,443 Really? Was there a fire? 432 00:20:18,963 --> 00:20:20,483 Perfick. 433 00:20:20,483 --> 00:20:23,243 Hardly! You were nowhere near my note. 434 00:20:23,243 --> 00:20:25,243 Yeah. I think maybe piano need tuning. 435 00:20:25,243 --> 00:20:28,563 Yeah, so, you know, we might need to tweak the end. 436 00:20:28,563 --> 00:20:31,363 But, overall, I think that went pretty well. 437 00:20:31,363 --> 00:20:32,403 You know? I mean, 438 00:20:32,403 --> 00:20:34,283 some parts were better than others. 439 00:20:34,283 --> 00:20:37,403 But with a bit of polish, 440 00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:40,323 well, it would be a cold heart not to be won over 441 00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:41,523 by the sentiment. 442 00:20:41,523 --> 00:20:43,363 Well, it did nothing for me. 443 00:20:44,883 --> 00:20:46,403 Right, then, once more from the top? 444 00:20:50,483 --> 00:20:52,923 We're probably going to have to burn the towels, but, erm... 445 00:20:52,923 --> 00:20:54,243 No, no, no, no. 446 00:20:54,243 --> 00:20:56,843 What? No cleaning. Day off. 447 00:20:56,843 --> 00:20:59,163 Well, we missed the cinema, so I thought... 448 00:20:59,163 --> 00:21:02,083 No. This is the cinema. Your own private cinema. 449 00:21:02,083 --> 00:21:04,563 The AlisOdeon. 450 00:21:04,563 --> 00:21:06,003 The AlisCineworld? 451 00:21:06,003 --> 00:21:08,763 Oh, yeah. The Alis... 452 00:21:08,763 --> 00:21:10,723 No, there's no more. All right. Come on, 453 00:21:10,723 --> 00:21:13,283 the feature presentation is about to begin. 454 00:21:13,283 --> 00:21:15,443 Hooray. OK. 455 00:21:15,443 --> 00:21:17,243 What is it? 456 00:21:17,243 --> 00:21:19,243 I think I found the perfect chill-out movie. 457 00:21:19,243 --> 00:21:20,563 It's only 90 minutes long 458 00:21:20,563 --> 00:21:22,563 and it could not sound more relaxing. 459 00:21:22,563 --> 00:21:24,003 A Quiet Place. 460 00:21:24,003 --> 00:21:25,403 Ooh. 461 00:21:32,723 --> 00:21:35,203 Well, that is the most traumatic thing 462 00:21:35,203 --> 00:21:36,323 I will see today. 463 00:21:36,323 --> 00:21:38,203 Alison, we've written you a song! 464 00:21:38,203 --> 00:21:39,323 Here we go. 465 00:21:39,323 --> 00:21:41,323 I may have spoken too soon. 466 00:21:41,323 --> 00:21:42,443 What? 467 00:21:43,483 --> 00:21:44,683 Oh, front row! 468 00:21:45,643 --> 00:21:46,963 Right. 469 00:21:50,243 --> 00:21:52,123 No, no... 470 00:21:52,123 --> 00:21:54,683 What are they doing? 471 00:21:54,683 --> 00:21:57,323 Er, I'm looking at it, and I don't know. 472 00:22:51,763 --> 00:22:54,483 RAPS # Oh, my heart doth pine for that face divine 473 00:23:05,923 --> 00:23:07,963 This is not in the tone of the piece. 474 00:23:07,963 --> 00:23:09,563 Skip to the end. 475 00:23:12,803 --> 00:23:15,043 Now, Kitty! I can't. 476 00:23:15,043 --> 00:23:16,803 Oh! 477 00:23:20,523 --> 00:23:22,043 Apothecary. 478 00:23:22,043 --> 00:23:23,083 Apologies. 479 00:23:23,083 --> 00:23:24,643 Oh, you know, what he say. 480 00:23:24,643 --> 00:23:27,243 At the end of the day, you know, sorry. 481 00:23:28,283 --> 00:23:30,843 That felt weird. You have no idea. 482 00:23:30,843 --> 00:23:33,643 Yeah, well, it was a little rough around the edges. 483 00:23:33,643 --> 00:23:36,323 And further apologies for the middle eight... 484 00:23:36,323 --> 00:23:37,443 Yeah. She liked it! 485 00:23:37,443 --> 00:23:39,883 But, you know, you get the idea. 486 00:23:39,883 --> 00:23:42,043 We really are very sorry, Alison. 487 00:23:43,883 --> 00:23:45,363 Sorry for what? 488 00:23:45,363 --> 00:23:48,883 Well, for, er, what happened, erm... 489 00:23:48,883 --> 00:23:50,763 ...earlier. 490 00:23:50,763 --> 00:23:53,283 What did happen earlier? 491 00:23:53,283 --> 00:23:55,563 Why... Why was I upset? 492 00:24:00,003 --> 00:24:02,083 No, no, no! 493 00:24:03,123 --> 00:24:06,803 It's no one thing, or one person. 494 00:24:08,403 --> 00:24:10,523 And it's not just today. 495 00:24:10,523 --> 00:24:13,603 It's that, every day, we are breaking our backs 496 00:24:13,603 --> 00:24:15,363 to make this guest-house work, 497 00:24:15,363 --> 00:24:18,443 and I'm already waiting on eight people. 498 00:24:18,443 --> 00:24:20,203 Nine. Every day, 499 00:24:20,203 --> 00:24:21,363 it's "Turn that page," 500 00:24:21,363 --> 00:24:22,883 "Oh, it's time for my programme," 501 00:24:22,883 --> 00:24:24,963 or, "Google this horse," 502 00:24:24,963 --> 00:24:28,523 and without even a word of thanks. 503 00:24:28,523 --> 00:24:30,443 No, I don't want an apology. 504 00:24:31,483 --> 00:24:35,203 And I don't want some big song and dance. 505 00:24:35,203 --> 00:24:38,483 I just want, like, a little bit of thought 506 00:24:38,483 --> 00:24:40,483 and a little bit of help. 507 00:24:41,523 --> 00:24:43,203 Yes, of course you can't help, 508 00:24:43,203 --> 00:24:45,563 but do you really have to not help 509 00:24:45,563 --> 00:24:48,723 24 hours a day? 510 00:25:00,883 --> 00:25:02,123 I think that might be 511 00:25:02,123 --> 00:25:04,363 the second most we've ever been told off. 512 00:25:04,363 --> 00:25:05,403 Yeah. 513 00:25:06,643 --> 00:25:09,243 I think you guys should probably go. 514 00:25:11,643 --> 00:25:15,363 OK. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say 515 00:25:15,363 --> 00:25:20,323 it's possible that you're still a little bit stressed. Hmm? 516 00:25:20,323 --> 00:25:21,683 Sorry. 517 00:25:21,683 --> 00:25:23,443 I know you really tried. 518 00:25:23,443 --> 00:25:25,043 Not hard enough, though. 519 00:25:25,043 --> 00:25:26,283 What? 520 00:25:26,283 --> 00:25:28,083 You did everything. I... 521 00:25:29,763 --> 00:25:31,043 Give me the list. 522 00:25:41,523 --> 00:25:43,403 That's what I want to do today. 523 00:25:44,403 --> 00:25:47,403 We can squeeze that in. Yeah? Yeah. 524 00:25:54,163 --> 00:25:56,243 Best bit of the day. 525 00:25:58,123 --> 00:25:59,883 Mmm. 526 00:26:09,883 --> 00:26:11,603 Oh. 527 00:26:11,603 --> 00:26:13,363 Someone's posted a new review. 528 00:26:13,363 --> 00:26:14,923 Any good? 529 00:26:15,963 --> 00:26:18,483 Yeah. Amazing. 530 00:26:20,683 --> 00:26:23,683 But we don't have any guests. 531 00:26:23,683 --> 00:26:25,123 Better? 532 00:26:25,123 --> 00:26:27,763 Still a bit crampy around the knuckle. 533 00:26:27,763 --> 00:26:29,403 I've been on it ten minutes. Hey. 534 00:26:32,043 --> 00:26:33,283 You? 535 00:26:33,283 --> 00:26:34,603 Ah. 536 00:26:34,603 --> 00:26:35,963 Just the typing. 537 00:26:35,963 --> 00:26:38,643 We all composed a bit. 538 00:26:38,643 --> 00:26:40,163 And helped to edit Thomas's. 539 00:26:40,163 --> 00:26:43,083 But she is a radiant beauty. Is off topic! 540 00:26:43,083 --> 00:26:45,403 That is really, really lovely, guys. 541 00:26:45,403 --> 00:26:48,883 But you have to delete it. It's like cheating or... 542 00:26:48,883 --> 00:26:50,403 Nonsense. 543 00:26:50,403 --> 00:26:52,963 We are guests in your house every day. 544 00:26:52,963 --> 00:26:56,643 And you are the most incredible hosts. 545 00:26:56,643 --> 00:26:59,283 Yes. Every word's the truth. 546 00:27:00,283 --> 00:27:01,763 "We never wanted to leave." 547 00:27:01,763 --> 00:27:03,923 Bit of luck, eh? 548 00:27:06,683 --> 00:27:08,843 Thanks, guys. 549 00:27:08,843 --> 00:27:10,603 Friends? 550 00:27:11,643 --> 00:27:12,883 Friends. 551 00:27:12,883 --> 00:27:14,283 Aw! 552 00:27:18,843 --> 00:27:22,163 You see? We're closer... together. 553 00:27:22,163 --> 00:27:24,483 Yeah. It sounds better now that you... 554 00:27:24,483 --> 00:27:25,843 What?! 555 00:27:25,843 --> 00:27:28,203 But they be in the wrongs, Al'son. 556 00:27:28,203 --> 00:27:30,763 Where be the punishment? Where be the trial? 557 00:27:30,763 --> 00:27:32,723 Oh, no. Oh, no, Mary, we've... 558 00:27:32,723 --> 00:27:34,123 We've made up. 559 00:27:34,123 --> 00:27:35,883 Made up? 560 00:27:35,883 --> 00:27:37,363 But... But I was... 561 00:27:37,363 --> 00:27:39,883 Have you forgottens? 562 00:27:39,883 --> 00:27:43,043 Now, you listen to me, Alison Coopers! 563 00:27:47,163 --> 00:27:49,883 I think that might be the most I've ever been told off.