FIRE ROARS
CRASH Ah!
Well, that's the end of that, then.
Old place had a good innings, I suppose. Hmm.
The question is, what now?
NOTIFICATION CHIME
Mike!
Mike, we did it. We did it. We're five stars.
What? You're joking. Look!
Oh, you're joking. What?
Well, that's still four stars. No, no, look, look.
There's one yellow pixel inside the fifth star.
"Which means with an average review score of 4.13,
"you have officially attained mega-host status."
We're mega-hosts. We actually did it! We're 5-star hoteliers.
Yeah. Well, we're actually 4.1 star bed-and-breakfastiers.
Same thing. Yeah. Same thing.
I was thinking to celebrate, we could go out and get...
Wasted!
OK. I was going to say new chairs for in here.
OK, well, no offence to you, my wife,
but my idea is brilliant and your idea is terrible.
I know, I know. I know, but look at these.
They don't exactly scream country house.
There's more chairs in the shed. Yes, OK.
And of course nothing says five stars like shed chairs.
But I've been browsing and these are at an auction in Halliton.
Oh, no, they are gorgeous.
I love all that delicate scroll work on the...
You wanna go to the auction?
Yeah, so bad. I'm going to give it all this.
All right. The estimate's 20 each,
so no more than 100 for all four, OK?
Is this our marriage now?
WIND SWIRLS
WEATHER VANE SQUEAKS
Ooh, new game.
Ooh.
FIRE CRACKLES
HE SNIFFS
Not again!
Ah! Were I alive... No.
I was going to say I'd help you make the bed.
PHONE VIBRATES Ooh.
More bookings.
That extra star makes all the difference.
Yes!
I don't know what you mean.
Oh, come on. There's a woman here who said, under requests,
"Looking forward to our stay.
"Please arrange kennels for four Afghan hounds."
I am outraged on your behalf.
Crumbs, they're all at it. "What speed is the Wi-Fi?"
"Hypoallergenic pillows, please."
"We would like vegan breakfast"?!
Oh, no actually, OK, that is actually fair enough.
Where is "Vega"? What do they eat?
No meat, no fish, no dairy, no eggs.
Those poor souls.
You're back. Did you get the chairs?
No, sorry. They went up to 130.
So I did one of those. Which they also thought was a bid,
But then someone went to 140 and I stayed really still.
Oh, that's a shame. Well, I'll try the ones in the shed.
Yeah, yeah. But, but...
I didn't come home empty handed. Oh.
Bear with me.
HE SNIFFS
AHHHH!
AHHH! AHHH! AHHHHHHH!
No, so, I was saying "bear with me"
because there's literally...
A bear with me.
I bought a bear.
You really did.
Fine, fine.
Well, let's just call Birthmark Club a partial success.
Is bear in Breakfast Room!
And I shall follow up on that rumour on Lady B later.
Left buttock.
There's a bear in the Breakfast Room.
What?!
Oh, interesting. A bear? Very exciting... A real life bear?
...for people with legs.
It was a bargain. Guess how much.
200 quid?
Oh, could you... Could you guess a bit more?
Mike. It's terrifying. It's a talking point.
Oh, yeah. "Have you seen the giant bear, darling?"
"Yeah, it put me off my breakfast."
Rubbish. It just needs, like, sprucing up, you know?
I'm telling you, this thing is sick. What?
Sick? I think it might be dead. Should someone tell him?
Er, no, he doesn't literally mean sick, Kitty.
It's a sort of American street slang.
You know, you say something negative,
when you mean something positive.
So one might say "Oh, man, this modular hi-fi system is bad!"
When really you mean it's terribly good.
So the opposite. Er, sort of, yeah.
Like when the Captain say that you're morally bankrupt?
Er... ye-eees.
Ha. Wow. Haa.
Do you like it?
Oh, I think it's... bad.
Yeah, OK. Good, me too. Very, very bad.
Well, try telling Mike that. Oh, I would if I could.
Morally bankrupt, eh? I'm sorry?
A little dicky bird tells me you think I'm morally bankrupt.
That's right.
What? We all do. What's that?
Julian. Morally bankrupt. Oh, Good Lord, yes.
You can be a little, uh...
Oh, right. Thought you might try and deny it.
Oh, I assumed you knew. You know, because of everything you do.
And say. Well, quite.
Well. I'm no bleeding heart liberal.
But I do care about things.
People. You know, I like to, erm...
...help.
LAUGHTER
He almost done me there.
Oh, very good. Carry On.
Oh, dear. So was it in a cage? No, it was on the stage. What?
Hey. I'm calling him Bear Grills.
But Grills spelt like how you cook a breakfast.
Mike, the bear has to go.
It's ugly and it's scary and it's going to freak out the guests.
Well, I disagree, so...
We've just clawed our way to five stars,
I'm not risking that for some filthy animal.
Me or the bear? Mike!
Why is it that when it comes to the running our business,
my opinion seems to mean nothing? That's not true.
It's just you have a history of buying mad stuff. Like what?
Like the "Butt Ho" hoodie, like the inflatable suits,
like the giant bear.
Well, at least I do stuff. Yeah?
I don't just sit around all day talking to my dead mates.
Oh, sit around? Mike, I do the books,
I do the check-ins, the adverts, the running repairs.
And now I have to sort out all of the chairs,
and devise a five-star vegan breakfast.
Fine. I'll do the breakfast. But the bear stays.
Er, are you joking? It stays.
Not in here it doesn't. Ugh!
Fine.
"Ooh, look at me, I'm Alison. I do everything."
Well we'll see about that.
OK.
Ah. Veg-ann? Vegan. What?
No meat, no fish, no dairy. Oh, right.
Good luck to them, I say.
Can't be easy going cold turkey on luncheon meat and Billy Bear ham.
And eggs. You what?
Alison said they don't eat eggs.
HE SNORTS
What's wrong with 'em?
I mean, what they having with their chips?
What are they dipping their soldiers in?
What they putting on top of their gammon?
They wouldn't have gammon. Don't change the subject!
What's wrong with eggs? Nothing's wrong with eggs.
Then why won't you let me have 'em?
I am not saying that, I'm just telling you.
A man needs eggs to sustain himself!
Well, fascinating.
Vegan. Vegans.
Veg-an? Veg, Ve-gans.
AHH!
Hey! Hey. Robin.
What on earth are you doing in there?
Has it gone? Bear?
Well, of course it's not gone. Ohh. It can't go anywhere.
It's just a big lump of sawdust and fur.
Honestly, what's the matter with you?
It just remind me of...
...very bad day.
THUNDER RUMBLES
HE SNIFFS
Oh. Uh.
Uhh?
Uh!
Uh-yuh?
Nuh-muh. Huh?
Lah, "Wahhh!"
Yuh!
DEEP GROWL
Wuh?
GROWLING
Um-deh...
Huh?
Yaaaa!
Oh! I know.
Oh, I have never seen such a tasteless, mangy looking...
Oh, it's a Gerrard. A what?
Gerrard & Sons. The undisputed masters of taxidermy.
They're the chaps who did Dante for me. Oh.
Oh, yes, yes. Now look at the detail, Alison.
Do you see how they've gathered the hide into the pinch of the anus?
Oh, OK. OK.
I'm going to just go and think about that sentence, forever. Tremendous.
It just, uh, sawdust and fur.
That's the spirit. That's the spirit.
OK... OK.
Nothing but sawdust and fu...
Huh?
♪ Pom-bom-bom, bom... ♪
Oh, dear. No, no, no, that won't do.
That won't do at all.
Are you OK, Fanny?
Anything I can HELP you with?
Ah, well, it's the eye, you see.
The left one. His gaze is all askew.
So it is. Well, let's see what we can do with the old magic finger.
Very well.
Where bear?
Oh...
Oh, yes, pin's just a little jammed in here.
HE STRAINS
HE ROARS WITH EFFORT
ROARING CONTINUES
AHHHHH!
Oh, yes, yes, that's much better.
Thank you, Julian.
Not at all, happy to HELLLP.
But what sort of craft? Upcycling.
Sounds exhausting. Yeah, well, Mike blew all of our chair money,
so we just have to make do and mend. Ah, yes, there they are.
Ah, OK.
Well, not exactly five-star.
What do you think? Hmmm. They do look pretty...
..."good"? Yeah?
Well, the condition's just "wonderful".
And the legs are all "sturdy".
Hmmm. Maybe they're not so bad.
Yes. Not BAD at all.
OK, well, let's give it a go.
You're shooting the messenger. And I hate being shot.
Well, then answer the question - why can't I have my egg?
I don't know.
I suppose it's more about the chicken than the egg.
You what?
Well, if only lady chickens lay eggs,
then what do you suppose happens to all the boy chickens?
Well, I suppose they all just go off
into a field together.
Or a nice barn until they get old.
WHISPERS: Do you think that's what happens?
No.
Hang on. What the heck is aquafaba?
Oh, I'm going to have to go to the shops.
All those little chicks.
Makes you think, doesn't it? Really does.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
Ehh. And crisis averted.
No, no, don't mention it. I'm happy to help...
Well, what's the point in being virtuous
if there's no-one to witness it?
Well, you're no good.
HE SNUFFLES
DRAMATIC MUSIC
Oh, come on!
Erm... Fire? Someone? Anyone?
Well, you're no good. Keys, keys, keys. Ah.
Who put...?
So, that's how we're playing, is it? Fine.
Oh.
All right. Come on, mate.
Yeah. Rub it in.
Ooh. That would work. Yeah?
Honestly, Alison.
I thought these were GOOD when we found them,
but that looks so, SO BAD.
Well, thank you for your honesty.
HE STRAINS
There. Pride of place.
Whoa.
There.
Come on. Pull self together.
You just tired.
And dead.
Dead tired.
There nothing to be scared of.
HE SCREAMS
Hey.
Hmm. Right, shop.
Like I'm not already doing everything round here.
Oh.
No. No. No. No. No. Mike?
SHE SIGHS
Come on.
SHE STRAINS
LOUD BANGS AND YELPS
There's a bear. There's a big bear. Huge bear.
What's he say? Said he saw a bear... bear...
SOUND REVERBERATES
THUNDER ROARS
THEY PANT
EERIE ANIMAL NOISES
HE GRUNTS
HEAVY BREATHING OFF-SCREEN
THEY CHUCKLE
HE YELPS
ANIMAL ROARS
ANIMAL GROWLS
ANIMAL ROARS
HE YELPS
What did it look like, then? Eh?
This bear you saw. Up there.
It look like bear.
Well, yeah, but what, brown bear, grizzly bear, Kodiak bear?
I don't know. If you see bear in house, probably right bear.
No offence, but what are you scared of? You're already dead.
So is bear.
He's got a point. Oh, look, if I could just be the voice of reason
for a moment. Here she goes.
As there hasn't been any dead bear attacks in this house
in the last 600 years, I'm going to go out on a limb
and say one is probably not about to come crashing down the stairs.
LOUD BANG
THEY SCREAM
ELECTRICS HUM
THEY SCREAM
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No. No. It's Alison. It's Alison.
It's not even a bear. Not a bear. It's not a bear.
It's not a bear - it's Alison.
What's she bringing that down here for?
I know, I know, it's awful.
But can...
It's just until Mike forgets about it.
Fine. Put it with the rest.
Thanks, guys.
SHE STRAINS
Thanks.
There you are. Are we still doing our craft?
Yeah, yeah, I just got a bit waylaid.
I'll tell you what, it's pretty big, isn't it? It's massive.
I think it's SICK.
Let's hope it's not contagious.
Still too soon?
All right. Back to craft club.
Spending all this time together.
It's awful and I HATE it. SHE CHUCKLES
What? Ah, now, I might be able to explain what's going on there.
See, I may have mentioned, in passing,
that American youths now use the word "bad"
to describe something "good."
Don't know if you've seen the LP by the popular recording artist
Michael Jackson?
Erm... Anyway, seems Kitty has rather taken the idea
and run with it.
Oh, right. Yeah, OK.
Oh, that explains a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, Julian.
Oh, no, no, HAPPY TO HELP.
SPREAD THE WORD! Mm?
Ha.
We're going to find her... Outside. ...and I tell you what...
Ah, Alison. Glad we caught you. Do you have any eggs in the house?
I'm busy, Pat, and I don't like you watching me eat.
No, no, we want you to get rid of them.
And any meat. Why?
Because it's murder, Alison.
Yeah. So we're giving it up, aren't we? Mm-hm.
You already gave it up.
I mean, you've given up eating everything. Oh!
What you really want is for me to give it up.
No, this is not about you, Alison.
This is about all those little animals.
Innocent creatures.
Chickpea water. Vegan breakfast.
Right on, brother!
What the...?
Right, this isn't a game. Where's my bear?
Firstly, "where's my bear?" sounds like a game. KITTY: Alison, come on!
And secondly, I've put it somewhere more appropriate.
And don't bother trying to find it,
cos you're never going to guess where it is...
In the cellar with my other stuff. No.
No. Mike, wait. Just leave it. Just leave it.
It's tacky and ugly and it'll upset my guests. Our guests.
I bust a gut for this place just as much as you do,
I ask for one little thing and you're acting like...
It's a huge thing!
It's a huge, ugly, snarling thing
and I don't want it anywhere in this house.
Fine. Fine? Fine.
Fine!
Where is it? Where's Gerrard?
Oh, he lives in the cellar now.
What?! No! No, no, no.
He should be out on display. He's magnificent.
Yes, he's totally ghastly.
How dare you?! He's a masterpiece.
I agree. He makes me want to do a sick in my mouth.
Kitty, you appear to be talking at
slightly cross purposes with... yourself.
No, no. Julian explained that young people today say
the opposite of what they mean.
Kitty, listening to Julian is seldom a wise idea.
You have a wonderful grasp of the King's English
and it would avoid a great deal of confusion if you would revert
to using it in the traditional manner.
Yes. Perhaps that's a... good idea.
Yes, much better.
Come on, then, Kitty.
Coming!
There we go.
What do you think?
I think it's garish and vulgar.
Thank you, Kitty.
MOCKINGLY: "I don't want it anywhere in this house!"
I'll get it out of the house, all right.
It's all in your head. It's all in your head. It's in your head.
Argh! Argh!
Oh! Oh!
Why he get so close?
Hang on.
How dead bear attack live man?
Oh, that's right, buddy.
We're putting the B in B&B.
To the gatehouse.
You so silly sometimes.
HE SCREAMS
THUNDER CRASHES, RAIN PATTERS
Oh...
LOW RUMBLING
HE BREATHES SHAKILY
THUNDER CRASHES
HE BABBLES
THUNDER RUMBLES Oh, no, no, no, don't get it wet.
Don't get it wet.
You have got to be kidding me.
What the hell is he...?
Mike!
Get away from the tree!
HE ROARS
THUNDER CRASHES
Come on, then!
THEY GASP
Ah...
Whoa.
Mike!
Alison...
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry... I...
Let's get back to the house. Wait, the bear.
Good.
I thought lightning never strikes...
Oh!
WINDOWS SHATTER
ALL: Oh...
That's the end of that, then.
Old place had a good innings, I suppose.
The question is, what now?
Yeah. What now?
I guess we put in a claim, get some quotes.
Rebuild, reopen. Or we could, you know...
...not.
Not what?
We worked so hard to make this five stars,
and for what? Even more work, even more stress,
and us at each other's throats.
Yeah, that was about the bear.
The bear was about the gatehouse.
Yeah.
This was supposed to be the easy bit.
Imagine the hotel. Yeah.
What will we do for money?
Honestly, I have no idea.
SIRENS WAIL
Hmm...
SHE EXHALES
Well, it's not exactly a bear, but...
No, no, it's wonderful.
Yeah, I prefer the duck.
Do you see how the down tucks into the posterior crevice?
Now that is the hallmark of a true Gerrard. Wonderful.
Yeah, can't believe you found another Gerrard.
I didn't. It's just the duck from the library,
I just took the name plate from the bear and stuck it on.
Very resourceful. Yeah.
Fraudulent, but resourceful.
Well, it was Julian's idea.
Well, if it puts a smile on their faces, I'm happy to help.
There's a heart in there somewhere.
Reminds me of the time I sent an actual pig's heart,
in a box, as a threat to a journalist.
And there he is.
Right. Boiled eggs for you. Yes!
The murderer. Beautiful murderer.
And for me, Mike's vegan scramble.
For which no chickens died, and it's absolutely delic...
Urgh.
Oh, I think my aquafaba was a bit heavy on the aqua.
Well, five stars for effort.
Mike... Mike.
Yeah? Yeah.
Mm!
Ooh...
I suppose, when you think about it,
most people in this house haven't eaten an egg in decades.
Centuries. Yeah.
And you could argue that, well, we've done our bit
as a household, and that perhaps
the occasional egg could be forgiven?
To whatever comes next.
To whatever's next.
Huh-huh-huh... I'm not dipping it again. Ooh!