♪♪
Look at us,
getting up early to do our homework.
This way, we're not in Aunt Darlene and Uncle Ben's way,
and they can enjoy their new house.
Honey.
Where's your clay dinosaur?
I don't know. It was here a minute ago.
It's okay, we can fix it.
Okay.
Uh, you know what?
Let's just call this a rock and move on.
Mommy's got a lot of work to do on her psych paper.
Okay, I get it.
You don't like me working in bed.
Is it really that big a deal?
Yeah, because you leave the lights on
half the night, too.
I had a dream the cops were trying to get me
to confess to something.
I-I told them I did it
just so I could go to prison where it's dark.
Look, it's my bed, too, so, I don't know,
can't you just wear a sleep mask?
No, because I can hear you typing, too.
Well, then wear earplugs. Oh, really?
Well, why don't I just shove a rag in my mouth
so that I can't complain?
That would be terrible.
And it's not about that.
It's about catching up at the end of the day.
[ Sighs ] That's the time where we're supposed to be
talking to each other.
Come on, sweetie.
Let's leave Aunt Darlene and Uncle Ben alone
before you start thinking
this is what a normal marriage looks like.
The computer on the bed
isn't the only thing that's annoying me.
There's other stuff, too, you know.
Whoa, just what I love in an argument -- add-ons.
And -- And I almost killed myself
tripping over your sweater.
You know, we've got a brand-new house,
and you're just throwing stuff on the floor.
I bet even Beverly Rose wouldn't throw her stuff
all over the floor.
I don't want to be a part of this.
You see? Even children know you're wrong
and don't want to be anywhere near you.
♪♪
Where's Ben?
He loves weird, old movies like "Urban Cowboy."
He's still at the hardware store.
We're keeping it open till 9:00 now.
Hm.
You see Travolta and Debra Winger in bed?
You notice neither of them are working.
Did all those country bars really have mechanical bulls?
Was that a thing?
Oh, not only country bars.
They had 'em at county fairs.
They even had one at the mall.
They took it out after some drunk woman
got thrown into a fountain.
I rode one once at the county fair.
Stayed on for the full ride and then some.
Broke the record.
Hmm, you were pretty big back then.
Uh, are you sure the bull was actually moving,
or did it drop to its knees and beg for mercy?
Actually, they set it on high and put it in reverse,
and they still couldn't throw me off.
I think you're remembering it wrong.
Mom told me you were so drunk,
you fell off the bull before it even started
and just laid on the mat going,
"Get a picture! I'm doing it!"
Not true.
Your mom was just trying to get you guys to laugh.
Or maybe you're remembering what she said wrong.
I was there. I know it happened.
Oh, it's okay, Dad.
You're getting older.
It's natural to look back on your life
and feel like you wasted it and make up a lot of crap.
I'm not doing that.
Your mom took a video of me riding the bull,
if you need to see it for proof.
I-It's not a big deal, Grandpa.
I'm sure you rode the bull...
and you were a hero in World War II,
and you invented the cotton gin.
I mean, those are really cool stories,
even if they aren't true.
You know I wasn't in World War II.
Wow, that's a huge thing to forget, Grandpa.
Alright, you've all had your fun.
Now I'm gonna prove I'm right by showing you
that video your mom took.
I got a whole box of 'em
right back here in this closet somewhere.
I'm sure I put that box in here.
You sure you didn't leave it on the beaches of Normandy?
What are you doing?
I'm getting this all on video 'cause, later on,
you are gonna say that you knew exactly
where the box was the whole time.
♪♪
- - Captions by VITAC --
"The Conners" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
Hey, I really need your help.
You got a minute? Becky: No.
I've got a paper on the moralities of everyday life
due by midnight, and it counts for two-thirds of my grade.
Sorry. Oh.
Well, this definitely is about that.
Your sister put a parental lock
on my computer.
And I can't log in to work after 11:00 p. m.
Looks like that's your new bedtime.
I told you she was nuts.
Byyye.
I have to work in bed.
I can't do my paperwork at the hardware store.
There's too many interruptions.
I mean, when I get into bed,
I can really focus.
You know, I'm already staying open longer hours,
but I'm trying to find other ways to increase profits.
Anyway, do you know Darlene's passwords?
Is it birthdays, uh, names, what?
That'd be way too obvious.
Have you tried "flannel-bitch-queen"?
Ooh, no.
That's all lowercase, no spaces?
No! Man!
Now I'm locked out for 15 minutes.
Look, I'm trying to finish this paper.
You gotta go.
Oh, of course. I'm sorry. You go ahead.
If you don't mind, I'm just going to sit here
and cool off,
keep trying things when this thing opens back up.
That's fine.
[ Sighs ] Damn it!
I mean, there are so many other things to worry about,
and this is what she picks?
Sorry. Do your thing.
I don't know what her problem is!
It's like, look at us. Look at us.
You need to work, and I'm leaving you alone.
Why can't she do that for me?!
♪♪
Let me guess -- Somebody hid a KitKat bar,
and now he can't remember where he put it.
No, I'm looking for the damn family movies.
Don't you have someone waiting for you at home?
I told Louise I'd check on you
while she's on tour.
So, are you feeling dizzy?
Have blurred vision? Shortness of breath?
Slurred speech?
Only since you walked in.
Alright, well, then you're fine
and I'm on a beer break.
You could take your beer break at home,
'cause I'm not some doddering old-timer
that needs to be checked on.
Yeah. You know, you really ought to get
all those tapes and movies digitized.
It's 2023, Nana.
Hold it.
I've heard that somewhere before.
You!
You said that, like, four years ago,
and I gave you the movies to digitize!
No, you didn't. Must be somebody else.
No, I know I gave them to you, Nana.
And I need that tape of me riding the mechanical bull
to show the kids.
That's nice, but I don't have them.
I hate those bulls.
One of them --
One of them threw me in the fountain at the mall.
Is this about you worrying about your memory
because of everything going on with my mom?
No, this is about losing all our family's memories.
You have to have that stuff, Jackie.
I don't.
I went through everything before
I moved in with Neville, Dan.
Then you lost them!
You're always doing crap like this!
You didn't give me anything!
And I'm tired of you blaming me for everything!
That's what you've been doing for the past 40 years!
And how come it's always because
I'm some flibberty-jibbit
and it's never because you're wrong?!
Because I'm not wrong!
You've been doing stuff without thinking for years,
like when you took Darlene to see "The Exorcist"
when she was 10.
That's why she's the way she is.
I didn't know what the movie was about!
And by the time I did,
that devil thing had obviously
flown off the screen
and embedded itself in her soul.
But you weren't careful!
And now you've lost our entire family history --
everything I had of Roseanne,
everything of the kids.
It's like we never existed.
No, I would never.
I would guard every painful, pathetic,
impoverished moment with my life.
You're remembering things wrong,
And I'm remembering it right.
No! Yeah!
Now your feelings are hurt, too!
♪♪
What part of my caffeine shakes
and cortisol-induced BO says to you,
"Come sit for a spell"?
I-I need to talk.
Ben made me unlock his computer,
and now he's hiding away from me in the basement
instead of coming to bed.
Problem solved. Byyye!
I think he's avoiding me. You know what?
He spends a lot of time with you.
Has he said anything about avoiding me?
No, but I'm sure he is. We all are.
Look, I really need to finish this paper.
Oh, my God, I only have two minutes to send it in.
Alright, I only need one.
Do you think that Ben is avoiding me
because he's not attracted to me anymore?
Well, it's not like you let yourself go.
You let yourself go in kindergarten, so no.
Yeah, I didn't think so.
So then what is it?
Is he avoiding me because I've been
so fanatical about the house?
That's gotta be it. Byyye!
Because you know what?
It could also be that I pressured --
Nope! Get out!
[ Cellphone alarm rings ]
Oh. Oh.
Send, send, send, send, send, send, send,
send, send, send, send, send!
Oh!
You're not getting any work done.
Stop playing Wordle.
Nobody cares if you get it in three.
I'm not playing Wordle.
I'm checking the school portal
for the grade on my paper.
Damn!
Nothing yet.
I know my professor's gonna drop it a grade
for being late, but please make it be
a "B" and not a "C."
Why was it late?
[ Sighs ] Now that it's just me,
Darlene, and Ben in the house,
they've started dumping all their problems on me
instead of working it out with each other.
Ugh! Childish.
Grown-ups have to have the guts
to say what's on their mind.
I'm not talking to you!
Please tell your aunt
that I am the one not talking to her.
Well, ask your father what he's doing here, then.
You know, sound does not stop at me.
The two of you can hear each other.
I only came in here because I have a tab.
Hopefully, Jackie didn't send my burger
to get digitized
and serve my home movies to a different customer.
Here's your dumb burger.
You know why I didn't lose the order?
Because this time, you actually gave it to me.
What is going on?
[ Sighs ] Jackie lost all our family pictures and home movies.
Ugh, your memory is going, old man.
This was all you.
Oh, my God, you guys lost everything
from our childhood?
I-I was gonna show Beverly Rose all that
to prove that Darlene has always looked like a sad little rag doll
and I've been stunning since birth.
Well, maybe if your aunt realized
she has the memory of an old prizefighter,
she'd take responsibility and start looking for them.
I don't care who's to blame.
Not counting Bev, you guys are the oldest two
living members of this family.
You need to sit down and record our family history
before it's gone forever.
Tell your father,
if he's willing to do it, I will.
Oh, my God.
Are you serious?
You want your kid to know you were a hot baby or not?
Fine.
Jackie says,
if you're willing to do it, she is.
Tell her I'll do it, too,
but don't make it sound like I rolled over too easy.
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Oh, God bless America! Ugh!
This whole Darlene and Ben thing has gotta stop.
What happened?
My professor did not accept my late paper,
and now I have to take the whole damn class over again.
Well, when you start out as a hot baby,
it's all downhill from there.
♪♪
Hey, could you come in here?
[ Door closes ]
No.
Both of you on the couch, now.
Okay, I'm not even going to comment
that Ben's clothes are all over the couch,
but why don't we go talk in his closet?
It's probably empty.
Well, that's a fun idea. Let's do it.
I'll meet you there.
If you hear the car starting, just ignore it.
Because you both kept yammering at me,
I have to take my entire class all over again!
Oh, man. Sorry about that.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Becky.
Is there anything I can do?
Yeah!
You two clowns can sit there
while I help you work through this.
What's going on with you guys
is textbook stuff, literally.
Right here, page 142 --
"subconscious blaming."
You're working late and doing paperwork in bed
to punish Darlene.
I knew it was his fault.
How can we fix him?
We have to get to the root of why
he's punishing you.
Ben.
Hmm?
You're working longer hours,
and you told me that
you're trying to increase profits.
Mm-hmm. How dare you?
Wait, I think I need to hear more.
Is it possible that you resent having to work so hard
because Darlene isn't making as much money?
Is that it?
[ Sighs ] Because when I quit Wellman,
you said you were okay with me delivering food
while I looked for the right management position.
Yes, I did say that.
But it isn't true, is it?
No. [ Exhales deeply ]
This is good.
Tell Darlene how you really feel.
Well, I meant what I said at the time,
but now, I feel like I'm the only one
that's freaking out about money.
And, look, I'm so stressed, I've become sloppy.
Well, I'm just trying to be optimistic.
Well, stop.
Oh, my God, so you've just been lying in bed hating me?
Yes. Kinda.
Well, why didn't you tell me?
Well, I didn't wanna come off like an ass.
Well, Ben, we have to be totally honest with each other,
even if you think that makes you the bad guy.
Alright, look, I promise to find something
as quickly as I can.
And then it will be my turn
to resent you for making me settle.
Aww, see, that's all I'm asking.
See this?
We're talking, we're resenting.
We're leaving Becky the hell alone.
So, uh...
resentful sex?
Well, that's how I always have it, but okay.
♪♪
Thank you for the setup. I will start.
I do remember one of the movies
was all of us on vacation
at Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan.
Dan: Oh, yeah.
We stayed at that place
with the cool miniature golf course
they built underground.
It was like having fun
waiting for nuclear winter to pass.
Yes, and I remember that we all
had to split a small cheese pizza
because, according to him,
I should've pushed my way
through the children's orchestra
to grab the last large.
As someone who was in a children's orchestra,
I can tell you, they don't get out a lot,
and you wouldn't have won that fight.
No, that was the Dells.
We didn't eat at the mini-golf place
'cause we were trying to get D. J. unstuck
from the giant clown's mouth.
Oh, yeah! Now I remember that.
I remember.
We could've got him out faster,
but it looked like the clown was eating a kid,
so we just let everybody take pictures.
Um, Aunt Jackie,
I remember seeing a picture of you in a giant snowstorm.
Did you guys take any movies of that?
Oh, no. Thank God.
That was the day I stole my dad's car
and I got stuck out by the forest preserve.
I was lucky that AAA got to me.
AAA?
Who in this family
you think could afford that?
That was me and my buddy, JR.
He had a tow truck.
Oh, my God, that's right. That was you!
Oh, my God.
I can't believe I forgot that. [ Chuckles ]
I can.
You're 0 for 2.
And you're all over me, saying that I'm losing it.
Maybe you're the old guy
that can't remember anything.
Uh, can you kids give us a minute?
Okay?
[ Sighs ] Okay, this is enough.
We're fighting in front of the kids.
I'm willing to admit
that I'm capable of forgetting things.
I was being overly defensive about you blaming me
because I'm not that much younger than you,
and I'm just as worried about
losing my memory as you are.
Alright, well, if we're being honest,
I'm only 99% sure I gave you the home movies.
And when I say 99, I mean 50.
Really?
You know how it is when you get older.
You're afraid that every little thing
means something bigger is coming.
Yeah, or maybe it's just that,
you know, you just don't remember,
and that's all it is.
I mean, the -- the one thing that we're sure of
is that one of us forgot something.
So maybe it doesn't matter who lost the tapes, right?
Between the two of us,
we've got one good working brain,
and we can help the kids remember some of the fun things
that happened on the home movies.
Yeah, I...
I think we're done.
Most of the other movies were of us eating at the table.
Oh, no.
You're saying that because,
while Roseanne was trying to create a childhood for the kids,
you were mostly eating at the table.
You know what?
Roseanne wrote all kinds of crap down in her diary.
Maybe something in there would remind us.
You know where that's at?
That I do know.
It's in a box on the top shelf of the cabinet
where the mugs and glasses are.
I never looked through it
'cause I thought it'd be kinda rough.
Well, okay.
Alright, well, I promise
I won't read any of the sex stuff
she wrote about you, although she did say
it took you a while to get the hang of it.
Hey, you're -- you're 12 feet tall.
Reach for that box, would you?
It's the least I can do
after you spent so much time on that clever insult.
Okay. Okay.
I'm look-- Oh, holy crap.
He does have this stuff.
Wow! Oh.
After the hard time he gave you,
you can really shove this down Grandpa's throat
and make him choke on it.
[ Sighs ] Look what's become of me.
This is what happens when you're raised by wolves.
No, no.
Slow down, Stretch.
I'm not gonna shame him
just so I can prove that I was right.
I want you to put that stuff in my trunk.
Dan, you're not gonna believe it.
What? I just remembered.
You did give me all of the movies and tapes.
They're in my hall closet.
[ Laughs ] Oh, thank God! I knew it!
I knew I wasn't losing my mind!
Yeah, see, it could have been either one of us.
This time, it was me.
It's gonna be you next time, too.
My brain is still sharp as ever.
Well, we're both getting older,
but the important thing is we found them,
and I'll bring them by tomorrow.
Are you gonna remember to do that?
Do you need to write it on your hand or something?
Well, I thought we agreed it didn't matter.
That was when there was a chance
it could've been me.
Yeah, but, you know, it could've been you.
I could've gone in the kitchen and found them in there.
But you didn't.
But I could have. But you didn't.
Uh, you know what, Dan?
I didn't.
And I'm happy it was me who forgot and not you.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Leave that for me.
Yeah. Okay.
Well, I gotta go.
Uh, by the way,
I might not have all of them, okay?
I think the one of you riding the bull
is probably gonna be missing.
♪♪
Did you and Aunt Jackie find any good stories in the diary?
I can't bring myself to read it.
You want me to read it to you?
I can just skip anything I think might hurt you.
That'd be great. Yeah.
Okay.
Alright, let's see.
Um, this is from January 1985.
You had meatloaf that night.
Um, that's about all I can tell you.
Okay. Uh, thanks, but read me the good stuff.
I wanna hear that.
Okay.
Stop!
We had meatloaf.
That's good enough for me.