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♪
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"The Conners" is filmed
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in front of
a live studio audience.
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I could've sworn
you all moved out.
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Maybe it was
a dream I had.
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You were there,
and you were there,
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and someone dropped
a house on you.
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Well, I'm just here
to wake up your grandpa
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and drag him to work.
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Courage!
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I'm here because Ben didn't go
grocery shopping yesterday,
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so I'm shopping
in the Conners' mini mart.
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Hey, look,
the only reason
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I didn't go
grocery shopping yesterday
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is 'cause by the time
I closed the hardware store,
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dropped off your dad,
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and then picked up
a white T-shirt
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for Beverly Rose's
Tie-Dye Tuesday at school,
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it was too late.
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Did you get the dye
and a T-shirt
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for her best friend,
Kayla?
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'Cause I promised
you'd get that, too.
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Ooh, well,
I better head back out
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because I don't want
to disappoint Kayla.
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I knew when I woke up and
there was no food in the house,
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I'd find you guys here.
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What happened to
No Child Left Behind?
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Can I have $50 for the school
orchestra field trip?
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We're going to a nursing home
in Carbondale
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to perform the score
from "Jesus Christ Superstar"
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for the seniors.
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Sounds like a soft
introduction to the big man
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before they go
and meet him.
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Oh, I'm sorry.
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I think you have
the wrong department, sir.
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This is love
and encouragement.
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This gentleman over here
is the bank.
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50 bucks to play
for a bunch of seniors?
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It sounds like
your music teacher's
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trying to buy a new Honda.
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While the bank is open,
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just a reminder
that the mortgage is due.
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What?
Has it been a month already?
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I feel like I just paid it.
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You did, but we were
three weeks late.
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Oh, well, then we're not due
for another three weeks.
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I'm trying to stay
on a schedule here.
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Okay, well,
when you do pay it,
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just don't forget to cover
my share. Sorry.
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Oh, and there's something
in the garage
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that's hissing and throwing
itself against the door.
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If you could put it in a bag and
toss it in the neighbor's yard,
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that would be great.
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Love you.
I love you.
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Mwah.
Mwah.
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Former tenant.
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Former landlord.
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Before I toss
youse all out,
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I am receiving
an inordinate amount
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of targeted ads for
pre-natal care on my cellphone.
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Does anyone know why?
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No. I didn't even know
you started getting your period.
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[ Sighs ]
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Do you know why I'm getting
pre-natal care ads?
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No. I was just driving by,
saw everybody's cars,
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thought they were doing
an intervention on you,
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and wanted to grab
some of the beers
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before they
threw 'em all out.
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Well, if anybody's
looking up pregnancy stuff,
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remember, we all share
an Amazon account.
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And I'm only asking
because I want
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to make sure
we weren't hacked.
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Well, ya got me.
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Why would you look up
pre-natal care?
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Oh, one of the busboys
at the Lunch Box
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got his girlfriend pregnant.
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Why couldn't the guy
look it up on his own?
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Uh, he's married,
and he and his wife
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also share
an Amazon account,
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so he didn't want her
to find out.
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See, we're not
the only family
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dealing with
this very real issue.
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I-I read that on, um...
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Uh, uh, CNN.
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Uh, which one of
the busboys is it?
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'Cause I'm pretty sure
they're all single.
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Hey, let's just get back
to why we're all here.
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Dan, you're a hopeless drunk,
and you need help.
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♪
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Okay.
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Please tell me
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you're just checking out
pre-natal stuff
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because you want
better nails and hair.
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I wish I could.
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I took three tests.
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I'm pregnant.
Oh, no!
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And you probably don't even know
who the guy is, do ya?
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That was your life,
not mine.
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I know who it is.
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It's Kai.
The drifter poet guy?
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Okay, this is a small town.
People are gonna talk.
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We're gonna go with
you don't know.
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So how did this happen?
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I thought
you were on the pill.
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Well, I was,
but it made me feel crazy,
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so then I switched
to the patch,
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but I know it's not always
effective right away,
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so then I started using
a period-tracking app,
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but then I got rid of it
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because Roe v. Wade
got overturned
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and I didn't want Big Brother
spying on my ovaries.
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And then I found
a calendar in the house,
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but it turned out
it was from 2013--
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Okay, okay, okay.
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The-- The baby's gonna be here
before this is over,
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so I'm guessing that
you're really scared.
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Yeah.
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And I definitely wasn't ready
to tell anyone,
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so thank you for covering
for me at breakfast.
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Yeah, you're welcome.
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But you know you're gonna
have to tell your mom.
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[ Sighs ] So not ready
for that fight.
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She already thinks
I'm totally irresponsible.
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This will just
confirm it.
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Harris, your grandma
got knocked up,
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your mom got knocked up,
your aunt got knocked up,
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so you haven't
broken the curse.
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[ Chuckles ]
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Although, you are the first one
to do it with a hobo.
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You've opened up a whole portal
we didn't know existed.
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No, what I'm trying to say is,
I'm here for you.
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♪
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- Captions by VITAC--
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Hey. Oh, okay,
so I went over the bills.
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If I take care of your share
of the mortgage this month,
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that uses up the money
I earmarked for utilities,
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so what would you prefer,
m'lady?
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Heat or TV?
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TV. All the sister-wives
are leaving Kody,
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and I'm right
in the middle of it.
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[ Door opens ]
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Hey, uh, can you do
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Beverly Rose's
tie-dye project with her?
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It's due tomorrow,
and I have class tonight.
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[ Sighs ]
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Sure.
Thanks.
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Oh, wait.
You got the rent?
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Yes.
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No.
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But I will, soon.
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That's a lie.
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Goodbye.
Wait, Becky.
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We're really behind.
We need the money.
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I'm sorry. I had to buy
new school books
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and clothes
for Beverly Rose.
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I have about $5 in change
in a jar in the garage,
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but you're gonna
have to fight
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the snarling hell-beast
to get it.
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So something might eat my face,
but I'll get $5?
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By the time it gets
through the beard,
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it'll get tired
and take a nap.
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You'll be fine.
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[ Door opens ]
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How come the sister-wives
have a better life than I do?
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[ Door closes ]
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Thanks for making dinner, Grandpa.
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Yeah,
Ben took the late shift,
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so I had time
to slow-cook some chili.
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Harris.
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Beer?
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Oh, no, thanks.
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I had one, like,
an hour ago.
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Someone else can have that.
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Oh, come on.
That chili's pretty spicy.
175
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You're gonna need a cold one
to wash it down.
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Damn it, Dan.
Get off her back.
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Stop pushing your dirty liquor
on everybody.
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This isn't Prohibition, Jackie.
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Here, have some bathtub hooch
to wash down your chili.
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I really don't want one.
Thanks, Grandpa.
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Oh, my God.
You're pregnant.
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Happy, Dan?
183
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Once again, your drinking
problem spills onto the family.
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Now everybody knows that a hobo
knocked up your granddaughter.
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I'll take this.
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Oh, sorry.
187
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Why didn't you tell me?
188
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Well,
I just wanted to be sure.
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I've taken three tests,
and they're all positive.
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Well, I think we're all
missing the point here.
191
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Harris passed
three tests.
192
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We should talk about this.
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I know there's gonna be
a lot of yelling,
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and that kind of stress
is not good for my IBS.
195
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No, Mark's right.
196
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This whole family always
skips over the talking part
197
00:08:06,277 --> 00:08:07,654
and goes right
to the yelling.
198
00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:08,947
I haven't made
any decisions yet,
199
00:08:08,947 --> 00:08:10,365
so I would appreciate it
200
00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:11,658
if we could just not
do that right now.
201
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,076
Fair enough.
202
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:16,579
We'll all give Harris
time to think about this.
203
00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:18,623
And once she wants to hear
what we have to say,
204
00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:19,833
she'll ask us.
205
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,376
Thank you, Grandpa.
206
00:08:21,376 --> 00:08:23,294
Yeah, thank you.
And while you're thinking,
207
00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:26,297
I want you to seriously
consider keeping this baby.
208
00:08:26,297 --> 00:08:27,882
Yep, I'm leaving.
209
00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:30,677
♪
210
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Look, I know this is a shock
and you're probably feeling,
211
00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:38,643
"There's no way I'm ready
to have this baby,"
212
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:40,186
but we've all
felt like that.
213
00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:43,440
There's never
enough time,
214
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,567
there's never enough money,
or enough anything.
215
00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:49,446
You just make it happen,
and somehow it all works out.
216
00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:50,947
You know, that's really easy
for you to say, Dan,
217
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:51,948
because you had Roseanne.
218
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There were two of you.
219
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Or, no, wait,
I take that back.
220
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There was only one.
221
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:56,536
Roseanne was
raising the kids,
222
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,413
and you were hiding out
in the garage.
223
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,624
Hey, I was always
on property.
224
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:04,461
Can I jump in here?
225
00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:06,296
Harris,
my opinion is that
226
00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:07,547
you need to go
with your gut on this,
227
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,591
and I think I know what
your decision is gonna be.
228
00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:10,467
How do you know?
229
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:12,761
Because if Harris
wasn't pregnant,
230
00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:15,930
there's no way she would
be thinking about having a kid.
231
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:18,349
Harris, I love you, I don't
think you're prepared for this.
232
00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:20,435
I had to make this choice
when I was your age,
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00:09:20,435 --> 00:09:22,187
and I knew that
I wasn't ready,
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and it was a decision
that I've never regretted.
235
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So if you decide that
that's what's right for you,
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I support that.
237
00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:30,403
Oh, thank you.
238
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:31,863
I appreciate you both.
239
00:09:33,364 --> 00:09:35,033
Could you give me
a moment alone with Mom?
240
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You're way too quiet.
What's up?
241
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I am thrown
that you feel
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this is even something
to think about.
243
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You broke up with Aldo
because he wanted a baby,
244
00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:59,390
and that was someone you were
in a real relationship with.
245
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:02,227
Well, I felt pressured
with Aldo.
246
00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:04,562
He made it a dealbreaker,
like the whole relationship
247
00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:07,357
was about me giving him a kid,
and I wasn't ready for that.
248
00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:09,317
Okay, that was just
six months ago, right?
249
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So you're ready now?
250
00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:13,613
Well, it's different now.
251
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Now that it's real,
I can't explain it, I just--
252
00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:19,494
I feel like
I have to think about it.
253
00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:22,831
I had unplanned kids
at your age
254
00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:24,707
with no partner
really helping me,
255
00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:25,625
and it wore me down.
256
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:26,835
I mean, look at me.
257
00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:27,919
I've seen pictures.
258
00:10:27,919 --> 00:10:29,087
You looked like that
on Santa's lap.
259
00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:33,842
So, what are you saying?
260
00:10:33,842 --> 00:10:34,926
You're sorry you had me?
261
00:10:34,926 --> 00:10:37,720
No, of course not.
262
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:40,473
But if I could go back
and really think it through
263
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:43,810
and choose to have you later
and on way more solid ground,
264
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:45,562
I would do that.
265
00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:48,648
People who don't have money
who have kids at your age
266
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,442
just continue
the cycle of poverty.
267
00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:54,529
I mean, I couldn't keep us
in our own house in Chicago.
268
00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:56,906
When other kids
were getting piano lessons,
269
00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:58,741
you were crouching
outside their window
270
00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:00,743
to get free piano lessons.
271
00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:02,287
Alright?
272
00:11:02,287 --> 00:11:04,372
You couldn't
go to college.
273
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:07,375
I don't even know how
you would consider doing this.
274
00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:10,295
You know,
at the moment,
275
00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:12,046
I swear I would do it
just to piss you off.
276
00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:16,509
Oh, that is so mature.
277
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:17,802
But I'm not gonna do that
278
00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:19,637
because I'm a lot more
responsible than you think I am.
279
00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:22,515
So I'm gonna continue thinking
very carefully about this.
280
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,017
Yeah, at this point,
I have a lot of questions
281
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,060
about you "carefully"
considering anything.
282
00:11:29,772 --> 00:11:30,440
Oh, that's right.
283
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,442
Go up to
my childhood room
284
00:11:32,442 --> 00:11:34,360
that you'll pass on
to your pregnant kid,
285
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,487
and then they'll pass it on
to their pregnant kids.
286
00:11:36,487 --> 00:11:39,115
And while they're watching the
flying cars go by the window,
287
00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:40,825
they'll wonder if maybe
you should've listened
288
00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:42,493
to their great-grandmother.
289
00:11:42,493 --> 00:11:43,995
[ Door slams ]
290
00:11:43,995 --> 00:11:45,997
Oh, you call that a slam?
291
00:11:45,997 --> 00:11:47,081
I once slammed it so hard,
292
00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:48,833
I broke that thing
off the hinges!
293
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:49,918
[ Door slams harder ]
294
00:11:49,918 --> 00:11:51,794
Oh, so you are hearing me!
295
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,966
She's in her room reflecting
on what I just said.
296
00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,719
♪
297
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,137
[ Door bell jingles ]
298
00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:09,145
If you were just
beating up a Smurf,
you got some on you.
299
00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:12,398
Yeah, the blue and orange dye's
from Beverly Rose's art project,
300
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:14,525
and the scratch is from
me risking my life
301
00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:16,736
for a jar full of change.
302
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,279
Possum in the garage, huh?
Yeah.
303
00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:19,489
You gotta trap him
in a sack
304
00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:22,033
and throw him
in the neighbor's yard.
305
00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:23,117
Anyway,
I heard about Harris.
306
00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:24,410
How ya doing?
307
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:25,662
How many times
do I gotta tell you
308
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:28,831
about asking
about my feelings?
309
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:30,667
Anyway, anyway,
I got some good news for you.
310
00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:32,335
Oh, please.
311
00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:34,545
I closed the deal with
that contractor friend of mine.
312
00:12:34,545 --> 00:12:36,923
It took some doing,
but it's a big, fat order,
313
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:37,840
and it's ours.
314
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,676
Oh, my God, Dan.
315
00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:41,678
That's fantastic!
Ohh!
316
00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:44,639
I'd hug you right now,
but then we'd have to hug
317
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:46,683
every time things go right,
and that's a slippery slope.
318
00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:49,310
Hey. Ha-ha-ha!
319
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:50,853
I'm just glad
it worked out.
320
00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:51,854
[ Exhales deeply ]
321
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:53,356
I gave him 15% off
322
00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:55,233
if he promised
to spread the word,
323
00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:56,943
and I'm sure we'll get
more business from him.
324
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:59,862
Wait, 15%?
325
00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:01,572
What the hell
were you thinking?
326
00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,658
I was thinking
we needed a big order,
327
00:13:03,658 --> 00:13:05,535
and that's the way this kind
of business gets done.
328
00:13:07,578 --> 00:13:09,497
Is there a problem?
329
00:13:09,497 --> 00:13:11,958
No, I should've just made you
a tie-dye shirt, too,
330
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:14,460
since you clearly think this is
some sort of hippie commune
331
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:17,088
where we share the profits
with our customers.
332
00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:19,382
You should've
run this by me.
333
00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:21,592
I've been in construction
a long time, son.
334
00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,636
I know what I'm doing.
[ Sighs ]
335
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:26,097
And since when do I have
to run anything by you?
336
00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:28,933
Since I need
every dime I can get
337
00:13:28,933 --> 00:13:31,227
because most of your family
is living with me now,
338
00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:33,479
and I'm carrying
the load.
339
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:35,023
And everybody wants
something from me.
340
00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:36,816
I'm trying my damnedest
to help 'em,
341
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:39,444
but I can't do it
with you giving away the farm!
342
00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:42,321
I'm gonna assume you got
rabies from that possum
343
00:13:42,321 --> 00:13:43,489
and that's why
you're yelling at me.
344
00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:47,994
Don't make any more deals
without my approval.
345
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:54,125
And I've had
my rabies shot.
346
00:13:54,125 --> 00:13:56,753
I got it when I married into
this crazy-ass family!
347
00:13:57,795 --> 00:14:02,550
♪
348
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:03,801
Hi.
349
00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:05,803
Oh, your food's by
the register.
350
00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:08,765
I hear you're
eating for two now.
351
00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:11,267
News travels fast.
352
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:14,520
I also heard that
you're undecided.
353
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,939
I'm lucky I even live somewhere
where I have that option, right?
354
00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:19,400
Ha, amen.
355
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,277
It doesn't make it
any easier.
356
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:23,488
I'm trying to make
an adult decision,
357
00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:27,408
but I still just feel like
an idiot kid who got pregnant.
358
00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:29,160
Well, you kinda are.
359
00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:33,915
What do you think
I should do?
360
00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:36,334
Okay, I'm not gonna
tell you what to do,
361
00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:40,046
but I do know, if Beverly Rose
were 17 right now,
362
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:43,341
going to school and pursuing
a career would be way easier.
363
00:14:43,341 --> 00:14:46,094
Hmm. I never thought about it
like that.
364
00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:47,428
So what you're saying is
365
00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:49,180
you wish you'd had her
around my age?
366
00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:50,723
Oh, hell yeah.
367
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:53,017
I'd have
twice as much energy.
368
00:14:53,017 --> 00:14:55,603
And I bet Beverly Rose
wishes that, too.
369
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:58,439
Nobody wants to play tag
with someone lying down.
370
00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:00,858
It's just two people
laying there tapping each other.
371
00:15:00,858 --> 00:15:04,529
♪
372
00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:06,197
[ Knock on door ]
373
00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:08,699
I come bearing a slice of
Whole Foods organic apple pie
374
00:15:08,699 --> 00:15:10,201
from work.
375
00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:11,452
Someone left it
in the bathroom,
376
00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:13,538
but it's still got the seal
on it, so it's good.
377
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:16,916
Thanks.
378
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,709
Ugh!
379
00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:22,505
I'm so stressed out trying
to figure out what to do.
380
00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:25,216
But isn't there some part of you
that's a little excited?
381
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:27,051
I-I mean, it could be
a good thing.
382
00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:29,554
You think
I should have it?
383
00:15:29,554 --> 00:15:31,097
I don't know.
384
00:15:33,808 --> 00:15:35,518
I just think you'd be
a great mom.
385
00:15:35,518 --> 00:15:38,521
Really?
386
00:15:38,521 --> 00:15:40,314
You're the first person
who's even thought about
387
00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:42,108
what kind of mom
I would be.
388
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:45,528
You'd be a great mom because
you've already been one.
389
00:15:45,528 --> 00:15:48,990
When Dad left and Mom
had to go work full-time,
390
00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:50,783
you were the one
who woke me up,
391
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:53,119
made my lunch,
got me to school.
392
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:55,163
Sure, sometimes it was
just a can of olives
393
00:15:55,163 --> 00:15:56,998
and baking chocolate...
394
00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:01,669
...but still,
I-I always had something.
395
00:16:01,669 --> 00:16:03,379
That's true.
396
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:04,714
And, hey,
look how tall you are.
397
00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:05,923
I clearly
did something right.
398
00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:08,176
Yeah.
399
00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:10,678
It'd be criminal if some kid
coming into this world
400
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,013
didn't get you
as a parent.
401
00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:13,681
♪
402
00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:19,604
♪
403
00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:21,230
"Fight Club"?
404
00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:22,273
Yeah.
405
00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:24,859
I don't remember
inviting you over.
406
00:16:24,859 --> 00:16:27,695
I'm only here because
our garage gremlin
407
00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:30,531
chewed through the wires
on our washer and dryer.
408
00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:33,743
Sure wish you would've
run that by me first.
409
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:36,996
Don't.
410
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,748
Is that beer
from my fridge?
411
00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:41,042
I can't afford to be
giving away money.
412
00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:43,002
This ain't
some hippie commune.
413
00:16:45,046 --> 00:16:48,591
Okay, I guess
I had that coming.
414
00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:49,967
[ Groans ]
415
00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:55,890
I'm just losing it because
everyone needs so much from me.
416
00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:57,475
You know,
I can't pay my bills,
417
00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:59,852
I can't work
and do everybody's errands.
418
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:01,395
I just...
419
00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:02,647
[ Sighs ]
420
00:17:02,647 --> 00:17:04,857
I had to wash my hands
a thousand times,
421
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,318
and this dye
is not coming off.
422
00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,028
I mean, it's just
not coming off!
423
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,029
Hey, you're okay.
424
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,989
There, there.
425
00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:13,866
Deep breaths.
426
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,534
[ Exhales sharply ]
427
00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:19,163
I don't know how to be
the patriarch.
428
00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:20,790
Patriarch of what?
429
00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:22,667
This ain't
"Yellowstone."
430
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:25,002
I'm serious.
It's...
431
00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:26,587
I mean, look,
it was always you, right?
432
00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:28,714
You were the guy that everybody
came to for everything,
433
00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:30,550
and now it seems like
I'm supposed to be that guy,
434
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:33,678
but it's just too much
to handle.
435
00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:37,098
Well, it was easier for me
'cause I had years to adjust
436
00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:40,268
to the chaos of having kids
and worrying about money.
437
00:17:40,268 --> 00:17:42,186
You're gonna
be great at this.
438
00:17:42,186 --> 00:17:43,271
I know it.
439
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,190
I used to be so cool.
440
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,862
Last night, I hid in the
bathroom and ate a pound cake.
441
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:58,202
I get that
it's harder for you.
442
00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:00,746
I was like
this happy little frog
443
00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:03,165
that got tossed into
a tepid pot of water
444
00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:05,418
slowly brought
to a boil.
445
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,670
You were the lobster
that got thrown in
446
00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:10,506
after it was
already boiling.
447
00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:14,176
The truth is, no matter what,
we're both gonna boil to death.
448
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,098
Thanks, man.
449
00:18:20,391 --> 00:18:23,144
If they ever ask you
to man a crisis hotline...
450
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,147
...you should pass.
451
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,817
Hey.
452
00:18:29,817 --> 00:18:31,861
Done with my food deliveries
for the night.
453
00:18:31,861 --> 00:18:33,738
I made $11 in tips.
454
00:18:33,738 --> 00:18:35,239
It's all singles.
455
00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:37,908
So I say we go home,
we throw it on the bed,
456
00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:39,452
and we roll around in that.
457
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,788
Alright.
We're heading out.
458
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:44,206
It's not too late
to come with us
459
00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:46,375
to the Lanford
Film Festival.
460
00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:49,378
There's a gay black-and-white
puppet movie from Kosovo.
461
00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:51,422
It's subtitled,
but I hear it's worth it.
462
00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:53,966
I would,
but I just watched
463
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:56,177
a gay black-and-white
puppet movie on A&E.
464
00:18:58,763 --> 00:19:00,014
Hey.
465
00:19:00,014 --> 00:19:01,641
Uh, I just wanted to
let you all know
466
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,476
that I've made
my decision,
467
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,645
and I've listened to everything
you all had to say
468
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:08,147
because I know you all want
what's best for me,
469
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:10,107
and I just wanted
to say thank you.
470
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:13,778
You forgot something.
471
00:19:13,778 --> 00:19:16,322
Oh, yeah.
I'm having the baby.
472
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:17,531
I have no further comment
at this time.
473
00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:22,286
Maybe somebody should check
the train yards
474
00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:23,788
and congratulate
the father.
475
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,792
It's her decision, Darlene.
476
00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:30,086
Yeah.
477
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:31,379
And I have
made one, too.
478
00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:33,381
Mm.
479
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,638
I shouldn't be surprised that
you're doing the exact opposite
480
00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:42,765
of what I think is
the right thing to do.
481
00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:44,433
And I shouldn't
be surprised
482
00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:47,561
that you wouldn't be happy
with my decision.
483
00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:49,146
I'm not.
484
00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:52,149
But...
485
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:57,738
I'm gonna be here
for you 100%.
486
00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,740
[ Voice breaking ] I will
help you every step of the way.
487
00:20:01,992 --> 00:20:03,786
Thank you.
488
00:20:06,664 --> 00:20:09,125
I'm, like,
freaking out here.
489
00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:11,001
Yeah, you should be.
490
00:20:14,255 --> 00:20:16,090
Everything okay?
491
00:20:16,090 --> 00:20:17,258
Yeah.
492
00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:19,677
Harris is going
to have the baby.
493
00:20:19,677 --> 00:20:20,720
[ Refrigerator opens ]
494
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,179
She's going to
move in with us.
495
00:20:25,474 --> 00:20:29,270
And we are going to
take care of her
496
00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:31,272
like the poverty-stricken,
497
00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:33,190
dysfunctional enablers
that we are.
498
00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,194
Of course we are.
499
00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:48,664
Congratulations.
500
00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:52,084
♪
501
00:20:54,712 --> 00:20:56,380
I'm so happy you're gonna
help me with the baby.
502
00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:57,089
Uh-huh.
503
00:20:58,841 --> 00:21:01,552
I think if we all take turns
feeding the baby at night,
504
00:21:01,552 --> 00:21:03,721
it's gonna be
just so much easier.
505
00:21:03,721 --> 00:21:06,390
Uh-huh.
506
00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:07,892
And since you've never
had a kid,
507
00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:09,769
it'll be like
your first kid, too.
508
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,187
And I'll let you
do everything.
509
00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:13,689
Change diapers,
give it a bath.
510
00:21:13,689 --> 00:21:15,107
I'm gonna be
a free-range mom,
511
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:16,400
so we're all gonna be
chasing after
512
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,152
that little bastard
all day.
513
00:21:21,572 --> 00:21:23,699
I'm gonna run to the store
and grab a pound cake.