♪♪
Mary: This time, just tell me when I'm at the bottom step.
[ Sighs ] The swelling's almost gone.
You're fine.
I'd love to help you guys, but, you know, pregnant.
We should make that phrase a drinking game.
The drinking game is how she ended up pregnant
in the first place.
I'm having a real "circle of life" moment here.
You get pregnant, you can't support yourself,
you move back in with your mom.
We don't have many traditions,
but the ones we have are magical.
Hey, Harris,
I still have Beverly Rose's
old baby clothes and crib.
Do you want them?
Mm, no, thanks.
I'll pass on the hand-me-downs.
I'd rather start with all new things
that my kid can make their own childhood memories with.
Sorry, we really can't afford
for your kid to have their own memories.
Beverly Rose's memories are still perfectly good,
and you can use those until your child grows out of them.
There's years of generational trauma in those clothes.
Come on, Harris.
Money's really tight right now,
'cause I don't start work for a few weeks.
And besides, Beverly Rose's stuff is way better
than anything you had.
Oh, yeah. Your bassinet?
That was one of your grandpa's old Hickory Farms baskets.
It worked okay, but it was hard to hug you,
'cause you smelled like summer sausage.
It's okay. I'll just buy stuff with my own money.
Hey, look who's here! There she is!
I'm back.Welcome home, baby!
Yay!
I'll get this.
Mm.No, no, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Those are mine.Oh, sorry.
Yeah, I was just in the rhythm of grab-and-move.
I almost packed up Darlene earlier.
Yeah, Becky bet me five bucks
that I couldn't fit in a suitcase.
And I could.Ah.
Aww, finding new things to shove Darlene in, and I missed it.
Yeah, well, you're home for good.
We'll have plenty of time for her shenanigans.
Oh, really?
You're all done touring?Yeah.
Your dad and I talked, and I'm done.
Yep. The rest of her life will be spent with only me.
Mm.
Geez, Dan, you make it sound like a life sentence.
You've seen how I eat. How long could it be?
Oh, hey, Harris.
How are you feeling?
Uh, I'm a little uncomfortable, but it's all good.
I'm moving back in with my mommy,
and she's gonna make me mac and cheese from the box.
So, you and Darlene living together again --
that's nice.
Look, I hope everything works out exactly the way you want
and not the way we all expect.
Hey, we are different now.
We respect each other,
and Harris is a very responsible person.
When she runs off to Florida and dumps the kid on me,
I know she'll still FaceTime on the weekends.
What? Like, every weekend?
Ugh, I'm the only one doing any work around here.
♪♪
Don't worry, Dan.
I get that there's been so much going on here,
you couldn't plan anything special for my homecoming.
I did plan something.
I just thought you were coming home tomorrow.
I told you I was coming home on our anniversary.
I assumed you meant the anniversary
of the day after our wedding --
the day it really hit me how perfect you are.
I'll allow it.
Do we really have to go out there?
Why don't we just spend the whole day and night in bed
and lock everybody out of our world?
Oh, I've never spent 24 consecutive hours in bed before.
I better not try it.
Why not?
Well, the same reason I don't try heroin.
I might like it too much.
Seriously, Dan, I need this.
I have been gone so long, and I missed you so much.
Oh, I missed you, too, baby,
but I really should help with the move.
I mean, granted, we got Mary to do most of the heavy lifting,
but when she stands up now, she's starting to say, "Oy!"
She's got plenty of help out there.
And besides, I, uh --
I can't believe I'm gonna say this,
but I think it's okay if we bend the rules and, uh, eat in bed.
That's heroin to my ears.
I'm in.
Wow, I didn't even mention sex yet.
Well, I don't know what's coming first, the food or the sex,
but I'm gonna be on my back, watching TV for all of it.
♪♪
--Captions by VITAC--
"The Conners" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
Louise: Oh, that was so good.
Dan: Oh, I haven't finished, Louise.
Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.
You're just so slow.
I've already had four.
[ Groans ]
You know, with this waterbed,
it's kind of like surf and turf.
[ Laughs ]
Fancy.
But, really, what's the plan after this?
Well, since we've just finished the marathon
of the "Jurassic Park" films,
why don't we start on the James Bond movies?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I watched them all while you were gone,
except for the ones with Roger Moore.
He's got the manners of a good butler
and the animal savagery of a good butler.
I know.
Let's watch the "Fast and Furious" movies.
No one in those has any manners.
[ Chuckles ]
Time to leave the room.
Nope.
We're going on two days in here.
What's up?
A lot.
Would you care to be more specific?
Fine. [ Exhales deeply ]
When I was out on the road with my mom,
she wanted to stay out there past the end of the tour
because what was I in such a hurry to get back for?
And I said "Dan and..."
I couldn't think of anything after the "and." [ Sighs ]
I'm just happy I made the list.
And in first position, I may add.
You got plenty of time to figure out what comes after the "and."
You just got back. [ Sighs ]
I thought about it for weeks on the road after she said it.
Really, Dan, I have no idea what's out there for me
on the other side of that door.
Well, you're never gonna know until you stop hiding.
No, I can't do it.
I-I-I-I don't want to.
[ Sighs ] I've been a musician all my life.
Music saved me when I was a teenager
going in a bad direction,
and touring with a band is all I really know.
I've always known where I was going,
and now I don't.
I need a purpose, Dan.
[ Mariachi band playing ]
♪♪
It's the guys that used to play at Casita Bonita.
I told you I thought you were coming home today.
Mariachi Performer: ♪ Welcome home, Louise
♪ Dan's gonna give you
♪ A squeeze
I wrote that.
Thank you, Dan. That was so sweet.
You know, they're expecting us.
We really should go down there.
Uh, not gonna happen.Are you sure?
They're playing at a mattress store opening right after this.
If you want a picture, we really should get down there.
Sorry, fellas. She won't come out.
She doesn't have a purpose.
Dan.
Well, I didn't want them to think it was anything they did.
♪♪
Oh, well, you're not gonna be needing this for a while.
I know.
No smoking, no drinking, no bouncy houses,
and no caffeine, which sucks.
No caffeine? That's a new one.
When I was pregnant, I was so tired,
I, like, tripled my caffeine.
Maybe that's why you just popped out and ran all the way
down the hallway to the nursery.
No, that was because I was looking for a nice,
rich family to go home with.
So, uh, what else have you learned about pregnancy?
Um, I did read that there are some women
who don't experience any pain in labor.
Uh, yeah. Meth heads and liars.
The best way I can describe it
is it's like pulling your upper lip over the top of your head.
Oh, but still, like, a beautiful experience.
[ Laughs ]
Yeah, laugh now, while you still can without peeing.
Am I hearing laughter in here?
Are you spying on us?
I was just hanging nearby,
in case you two needed a referee.
When you guys are alone, it turns into "Squid Games"
pretty quickly.
We're fine.
Just a mother and daughter
bonding over the horrors of childbirth.
It's not always horrible.
I barely felt it.
That doesn't count.
Beverly Rose was a preemie.
Mark weighed more at birth than I did when I got married.
I could use that bong right now.
My stomach really hurts.
It's like bad cramps.
Did they just start?
No.
I mean, I felt a little something the last few days,
but not like this.
Um, well, yeah, it's probably nothing,
but why don't we just take a quick trip to the doctor,
just to be sure?
Okay.
♪♪
It's been a while since they left for the doctor.
Yeah, I know.
But they'll be home soon,
and then we'll find out what's going on.
So, Mark should be home from his school trip tomorrow.
And, uh, we're supposed to have his new bedroom
set up by then.
He's gonna love going from a private bedroom
to a room that has a table cloth for a wall.
Well, at least there's a big window
where strangers can look in on him from the road.
I'll just take all his books to the garage for now.
Oy.
Hey, everything okay?
Uh, let me get Harris settled up in her room
and I'll be right back down.
No, we can tell her.
Yeah, I had a miscarriage.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
I mean, I wasn't planning to have a baby
before I got pregnant.
And even though I decided to keep it,
I guess I should be kind of relieved, right?
You can be, that's a normal reaction.
Hey, just, uh, don't tell Grandpa and Louise yet.
She just got home, they're spending time together.
I don't want to mess that up.
Do you need anything?
No. It's all good.
It's also okay if it's not all good.
[ Exhales ] No, I'm -- I'm fine.
And, hey, now I'll go back to my regular life, right?
Well, look, that's a healthy way to look at it.
I mean, maybe this all worked out for the best.
Right. Yeah, I know.
Of course youwould think that.
You didn't want me to have the baby to begin with.
So I bet you're reallyrelieved.
No, that's not at all --
I'm tired. I'm gonna lie down.
Hey, it --
I don't know if this helps,
but no matter how mad Harris is at you right now,
wait till Mark sees you moved him into a window seat.
No, that doesn't help.
That's why I said, I don't know.
I'm gonna empty the bone bucket and feed the chickens.
Wanna go?
Uh, no, I-I'm good right here.
How 'bout we take a stroll
through the living room, see the sights.
I hear it's lovely this time of day.
You're not listening to me, Dan.
I can't do it.
I-I just can't go out there.
Well, maybe you're overthinking this, honey.
Retirement's not supposed to be this complicated.
It's you spending time with the one you love.
That's a pretty good life.
[ Smooches ]
Look, you know I love being with you.
Even the little things -- counting out your pills,
doing mole checks.
It's not enough.
I don't know how to be more that I am.
Oh, come on, Dan.
You know what I mean.
Oh, I doknow what you mean.
You're saying very clearly that I'm not enough for you.
[ Sighs ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
It is so hard getting out of that bed.
You know, people our age have tubs they can walk into
and chairs that lift them into a standing position.
Why the hell do we have a waterbed?
Because I thought it would be fun for us,
but I guess I have no idea about what you want.
Oh, so -- so now you're insulted?
Because I just want a little more in my life?
Yeah, I guess I am.
You been home less than two days
and you're already thinking about what you can do
besides spend time with me.
Okay. Great.
Let's make it about you now.
No, it's very obviously not about me.
You know who wants to be with me?
My chickens.
When I rain corn on them, they look at me like a god.
What are you doing?
I'm going back to live with Grandpa.
I'll be back for the rest of my stuff tomorrow.
Wait, you're leaving?
Is this because I said that your life might be better
without a baby right now?
Because you said you could go back to your normal life,
and then I was just agreeing with you.
[ Laughs sarcastically ] You are so full of crap.
You said that because that's how you really feel.
And this whole thing makes you feel better.
No, that's not true, Harris.
Come on, let's just talk about it.
No, I'm done talking.
I can't live here looking at you every day
knowing how happy you are that I didn't have the baby.
Bye.
[ Door slams ]
♪♪
Hey. Hey.
I talked to Harris.
Poor kid.
That's a hell of a thing for her to go through.
I know.
She up in her room?
Yeah.
I asked her if she needed anything,
and she just wanted to rest.
Hmm.
Well, she forgot some of her meds
and I'm gonna make her some mac and cheese.
Uh, would you mind bringing this up to her?
What the hell happened over at your place?
How come you don't want to bring it to her?
[ Sighs ] We're a mess right now.
She thinks I'm happy about what happened to her.
And I tried to talk to her about it,
but I guess it just made it worse.
[ Sighs ] Well...
then stop talking.
She needs to be mad at something or someone,
and right now, that's you.
So, take her her pills and her mac and cheese
and just sit there.
You really think that'll help?
Yes, I do.
Can I bring my phone so I've got something to do?
You might be surprised at what she has to say
if you just stop talking.
Alright, I'll try.
Hey, wait, what are you doing in the garage?
I got a really gross text from Louise
saying you guys were gonna spend the next couple days in bed.
I blocked her in case she was gonna send pictures.
You wanna know the truth?
I don't follow my own advice.
I was talking when I should have been listening.
Well, I don't know what you did, but go in there and undo it
'cause we need Louise.
She's the only of us that's strong enough
to pull you out of a bathtub.
I know.
That's why I'm out here
trying to figure out how to undo it.
I made it about me.
And a little bit about the chickens.
That's how you know you've lost an argument,
when you start talking about chickens.
♪♪
[ Tires screeching ]
[ Crash ]
How come I get a ticket
every time I roll through a stop sign,
but this guy can fly over a school bus,
and there's not a cop around anywhere?
You don't get it.
This time it's personal.
Uh, I've been thinking, and -- and you're right.
It's not about me.
I know women hate it when men try to come up with fixes,
so here's 33 fixes, because I'm an incredibly slow learner.
"Potential purposes for Louise's new life."
Oh, Dan, this is really sweet.
But how does learning to pole dance
help me to feel fulfilled?
Well, that'll keep you busy
when you're not craft-brewing beer.
Re-- Keep reading.
Uh, "Lingerie model/pie maker."
Well, uh, just skip that one.
Oh, now -- now, these show some promise.
"Writing jingles for local businesses, teaching guitar,
playing a piano near the fountain at the mall."
Yeah, I could wear something tight
and lay across the piano.
You know, it's interesting.
I-I have thought about teaching,
but never at a halfway house.
Maybe music could make a difference
in someone else's life.
Yeah, just writing that one down
made me feel like a better person.
So I did good, huh?
Yes. Good boy.
Arf! Treat, please.
[ Smooches ]
Now, can we maybe think about getting out of this room?
Yeah.
I mean, I'm not completely sure what my new purpose is,
but I know what it is for today.
[ Grunts ] We --
[ Grunts ] Geez.
We...are going bed shopping,
and -- and not at that mattress store
with the mariachi band.
I-I don't think I can face those guys.
Hi.
[ Scoffs ] What do you want?
I made you some mac and cheese.
There's, uh, two powder packets in here,
'cause you're not driving, right?
I really don't want to hear anything you have to say.
Well, here's the deal.
I'm not gonna say anything.
Oh, good. Then you can leave.
I am gonna say one thing.
[ Scoffs ] Knew it.
Look, no matter what you think,
I would never, ever
want you to go through something like this.
There is not one bit of this that makes me happy.
I mean, that was gonna be my grandkid.
It's hard for me to think about you being so relieved
that I wasn't gonna have the baby.
I'm having all these crazy feelings,
even though I wasn't planning to have a baby.
Well, yeah, I mean, you were just starting to wrap your head
around keeping it and getting excited about being a mom,
and then, suddenly, that's taken away.
Well, I mean, that's got to be hard and confusing.
I know. I-I let myself connect with it,
and now that's gone.
And the minute I start to think
maybe it'll be easier this way,
I-I feel so guilty.
I know I, like, could have eaten better
and rested more --
No, no, no. Don't do that.
It's not your fault, okay?
This is so common.
Remember what the doctor said?
It's like 20%.
But just the fact that you feel like you didn't do enough
means that, one day, you're gonna be a great mom.
Alright?
Now, it's gonna come in waves,
and when it does, you can talk,
and I will listen.
Thanks.
You're not gonna hold me the whole time, are you?
Well, not the wholetime, but until you fall asleep,
and then another hour or two...
unless I fall asleep, then for the night.
I don't know what's more suffocating --
your love or this dense-looking mac and cheese.
I wasgoing to ask if you wanted to come back
to the house and live with me again.
Really?
Yeah, but it's too late.
A half hour after you left,
I turned your room into a scrapbooking space.
[ Scoffs ] Scrapbooking?
What part of our lives do you want to remember?
Uh, so after you choke that down,
how about we go home?
I'd like that.
Yeah, besides, you're gonna spend enough time in this room
when you come back after you get knocked up by the next drifter.
Was it too soon?
♪♪
Can't we just move our new bed in?
The waterbed was our first bed as man and wife,
and I think it's important to commemorate
this new chapter in our lives.
[ Sighs ] Alright.
Well, seems a little much to me,
but if you want to do it, okay.
Okay, we're ready!
[ Mariachi band playing ]
♪♪
[ Mariachi performer singing in Spanish ]
♪♪