1 00:00:04,866 --> 00:00:06,006 - What do you think? 2 00:00:06,144 --> 00:00:09,043 - "Weekend special: Easter Bunny Stew." 3 00:00:10,562 --> 00:00:13,116 Really? Rabbit stew for Easter? 4 00:00:13,254 --> 00:00:16,499 You got any cute elves you can stir fry for Christmas? 5 00:00:16,637 --> 00:00:18,604 - Man, I never thought of that. 6 00:00:20,261 --> 00:00:21,987 - Hey, you got anything sweet for the road? 7 00:00:22,125 --> 00:00:23,299 You guys still have those maple donuts? 8 00:00:23,437 --> 00:00:25,646 - Uh, hold on. - Aw. 9 00:00:26,819 --> 00:00:28,752 - Happy anniversary, you guys. 10 00:00:28,890 --> 00:00:30,547 - You didn't need to do that. 11 00:00:30,685 --> 00:00:32,963 - And since you had a double wedding, I only got one cake. 12 00:00:33,102 --> 00:00:34,620 - Thank you. - Thank you. 13 00:00:36,415 --> 00:00:38,521 - Man, I can't believe it's been a year, right? 14 00:00:38,659 --> 00:00:39,556 - I know. Look at us. 15 00:00:39,694 --> 00:00:41,386 You guys, I remember 16 00:00:41,524 --> 00:00:44,906 when we were three pathetic single gals 17 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:48,393 willing to give up the goods anywhere, anytime, 18 00:00:48,531 --> 00:00:50,257 just to snap up a man. 19 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,951 Sure, we'll pretend it was just me. 20 00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:57,816 But now, I mean, here we are 21 00:00:57,954 --> 00:00:59,956 happily coupled with terrific guys 22 00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:02,545 who can't get enough of us. 23 00:01:02,683 --> 00:01:04,167 - Seriously. - Right? 24 00:01:04,305 --> 00:01:06,790 - Where do our guys get their energy? 25 00:01:06,928 --> 00:01:09,517 [laughter] 26 00:01:12,037 --> 00:01:13,832 - Oh, yeah. Let a girl breathe. 27 00:01:13,970 --> 00:01:15,903 You know what I'm saying? - Yeah, yeah. 28 00:01:16,041 --> 00:01:17,905 No, I'm not surprised. I figured Ben 29 00:01:18,043 --> 00:01:21,045 for a "let's hydrate and do it again" kind of guy. 30 00:01:21,184 --> 00:01:23,393 - Yeah. Yeah, me too. 31 00:01:23,531 --> 00:01:25,499 But, you know, if we're being honest here, 32 00:01:25,637 --> 00:01:27,846 you and me, I mean, no guy's as passionate 33 00:01:27,984 --> 00:01:29,848 after a year as they were in the beginning. 34 00:01:29,986 --> 00:01:31,712 - Uh, not in my house, 35 00:01:31,850 --> 00:01:32,989 or in my car, 36 00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:35,198 or in the bathroom at Costco. 37 00:01:35,336 --> 00:01:37,614 I'll have a sample of that, please. 38 00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:41,584 - Um... 39 00:01:41,722 --> 00:01:44,621 OK, but come on, Dad and Louise? 40 00:01:44,759 --> 00:01:46,830 - Louise is getting plenty. 41 00:01:46,968 --> 00:01:49,384 That Jell-O is shakin'. 42 00:01:51,420 --> 00:01:54,527 - I did not need to hear that for many reasons, 43 00:01:54,666 --> 00:01:56,253 but mainly because that's not what's happening 44 00:01:56,392 --> 00:01:58,048 with me and Ben. - Mm. 45 00:01:58,187 --> 00:02:00,189 - The truth is that we've barely been intimate 46 00:02:00,327 --> 00:02:01,638 since we moved into the new house. 47 00:02:01,776 --> 00:02:03,606 - Oh, wow. Really? 48 00:02:03,744 --> 00:02:06,505 'Cause I'd be jumping all over that hunk of yummy every day. 49 00:02:08,404 --> 00:02:11,026 - Yeah, um... 50 00:02:11,165 --> 00:02:12,511 it's not me. 51 00:02:12,649 --> 00:02:14,134 - Oh. 52 00:02:14,272 --> 00:02:16,274 Oh! 53 00:02:16,412 --> 00:02:17,723 - Do you think there's something wrong 54 00:02:17,861 --> 00:02:18,793 with the relationship? 55 00:02:18,931 --> 00:02:20,968 - Um, only you would know that. 56 00:02:21,106 --> 00:02:23,660 I mean, have you guys talked about it? 57 00:02:23,798 --> 00:02:26,422 - Well, I tried once, but he just kind of joked around. 58 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:28,009 And I didn't want to push it 'cause I didn't want 59 00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,666 to stigmatize him and make it worse. 60 00:02:29,804 --> 00:02:32,186 - Yeah, but I mean, you can't not do anything. 61 00:02:32,324 --> 00:02:34,499 You know, if your love life needs a jumpstart, 62 00:02:34,637 --> 00:02:37,881 then as Lanford's leading life coach 63 00:02:38,019 --> 00:02:42,438 and intimacy concierge, 64 00:02:42,576 --> 00:02:43,922 uh... 65 00:02:44,060 --> 00:02:46,235 I know some tricks. 66 00:02:46,373 --> 00:02:48,823 - Jackie, gross. Stop. 67 00:02:48,961 --> 00:02:52,067 Why can't you just be my aunt and talk to me like a friend? 68 00:02:54,312 --> 00:02:55,829 - I mean, I think that'd be a waste 69 00:02:55,968 --> 00:02:58,626 of six weeks of training. 70 00:02:58,764 --> 00:03:01,629 [country music] 71 00:03:01,767 --> 00:03:08,602 ♪ ♪ 72 00:03:19,923 --> 00:03:22,340 - The Conners is recorded before a live studio audience. 73 00:03:22,478 --> 00:03:24,445 - Just out of curiosity, 74 00:03:24,583 --> 00:03:26,930 when did you all decide to have Easter here? 75 00:03:27,068 --> 00:03:28,380 - Today. 76 00:03:28,518 --> 00:03:30,348 Didn't you see it on the family text thread? 77 00:03:30,486 --> 00:03:32,936 - Oh, that thing dings so many times a day, 78 00:03:33,074 --> 00:03:33,937 it's hard to keep up. 79 00:03:34,075 --> 00:03:35,870 - That was me. 80 00:03:36,008 --> 00:03:39,529 I sent a ton of pics of Beverly Rose with the Easter bunny. 81 00:03:39,667 --> 00:03:42,843 - You know, I'm happy to be on the family text chain, 82 00:03:42,981 --> 00:03:44,154 but I'm on other threads 83 00:03:44,293 --> 00:03:47,088 and my phone is buzzing all day long. 84 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,745 People probably think I'm a doctor, 85 00:03:48,883 --> 00:03:50,851 or a drug dealer. 86 00:03:50,989 --> 00:03:54,303 - Louise, nobody would believe you're a doctor. 87 00:03:54,441 --> 00:03:58,203 [phone buzzing] 88 00:03:58,341 --> 00:04:00,723 - Ooh, just got one from Mark. Said he's sad 89 00:04:00,861 --> 00:04:02,690 he's gonna miss Grandpa's Easter egg hunt this year. 90 00:04:02,828 --> 00:04:05,106 - Yeah, but he's stuck with Grandma Bev for Easter. 91 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,763 Nothing like celebrating the holidays 92 00:04:06,901 --> 00:04:10,042 with the woman who remembers rolling away the stone. 93 00:04:10,180 --> 00:04:12,700 - Well, more eggs for Beverly Rose. 94 00:04:12,838 --> 00:04:14,944 And this Easter has got to be great. 95 00:04:15,082 --> 00:04:16,704 - Oh, right, it's the first one she's with you 96 00:04:16,841 --> 00:04:18,741 instead of her dad. - Yeah. 97 00:04:18,879 --> 00:04:21,399 And I want her to go back and brag about how much fun she had 98 00:04:21,536 --> 00:04:23,987 so his new wife can choke on it. 99 00:04:24,125 --> 00:04:26,749 [phone buzzing] 100 00:04:26,887 --> 00:04:29,545 - Um, Louise, 101 00:04:29,683 --> 00:04:32,858 you know you just sent this to the whole family, right? 102 00:04:32,996 --> 00:04:34,274 - What are you talking about? 103 00:04:34,412 --> 00:04:35,447 - Wrong thread, Louise. 104 00:04:35,585 --> 00:04:36,966 - Seriously? 105 00:04:38,485 --> 00:04:40,245 "Becky is blowing up my phone with pictures. 106 00:04:40,383 --> 00:04:41,764 "I love seeing Beverly Rose, 107 00:04:41,902 --> 00:04:43,558 "but how about spending more time with your kid 108 00:04:43,697 --> 00:04:45,423 "instead of posting a thousand pictures 109 00:04:45,561 --> 00:04:46,941 to make it look like you're a good parent?" 110 00:04:47,079 --> 00:04:49,289 - Oh, my God. Look, I'm so sorry. 111 00:04:49,427 --> 00:04:52,119 I thought I was texting one of my old bandmates. 112 00:04:52,257 --> 00:04:55,225 - Because you're going to write a song called "Crappy Mom"? 113 00:04:56,779 --> 00:04:58,539 - Well, that was a terrible mistake. 114 00:04:58,677 --> 00:05:00,127 But if you're gonna write a song like that, 115 00:05:00,265 --> 00:05:02,474 my mom's given me tons of inspiration. 116 00:05:02,612 --> 00:05:05,028 You have anything that rhymes with... 117 00:05:05,166 --> 00:05:06,892 "narcissistic old bitch face"? 118 00:05:10,724 --> 00:05:13,554 OK, I know you said you don't need my help with Ben, 119 00:05:13,692 --> 00:05:15,729 but just hear me out. 120 00:05:15,867 --> 00:05:18,387 I pulled some of my old life coach workbooks 121 00:05:18,525 --> 00:05:20,112 on relationships. 122 00:05:20,250 --> 00:05:22,149 Everything you need is right here. 123 00:05:22,287 --> 00:05:25,463 Now, this is called the soul stare exercise. 124 00:05:25,601 --> 00:05:27,810 You stand on opposite ends of the room. 125 00:05:27,948 --> 00:05:31,192 And you slowly start walking towards each other 126 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:34,023 undressing one another with your eyes. 127 00:05:37,406 --> 00:05:38,268 - Nope. 128 00:05:40,270 --> 00:05:42,134 - Hey, I'm the one getting it regular. 129 00:05:42,272 --> 00:05:44,516 I don't need this. You need me. 130 00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:47,312 - All right, fine. - OK. 131 00:05:47,450 --> 00:05:49,245 So stand over there. 132 00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:50,591 You're here. 133 00:05:50,729 --> 00:05:53,732 OK, you are... 134 00:05:53,870 --> 00:05:55,838 Darlene. 135 00:05:55,976 --> 00:05:57,426 - Yeah. - Yeah. 136 00:05:57,564 --> 00:06:00,152 And I am Ben. 137 00:06:00,290 --> 00:06:04,467 Now, remember we are both primitive sexual beings. 138 00:06:04,605 --> 00:06:06,987 Ben is a lion. You're a lioness. 139 00:06:07,125 --> 00:06:08,195 OK? 140 00:06:08,333 --> 00:06:11,129 You ready to roar? 141 00:06:12,510 --> 00:06:17,480 I want to feel you unbuttoning my shirt with your teeth. 142 00:06:17,618 --> 00:06:19,862 - Maybe if you just move a little bit to the right, 143 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,001 I can go right out the door. 144 00:06:21,139 --> 00:06:22,899 - Yeah, that's it. That's good. 145 00:06:23,037 --> 00:06:25,039 You embrace that intensity. 146 00:06:25,177 --> 00:06:26,765 Roar! 147 00:06:28,491 --> 00:06:29,665 - What are you doing? 148 00:06:29,803 --> 00:06:31,321 - I told you. It's the soul stare. 149 00:06:31,460 --> 00:06:34,394 It's right--oh, God, this is Neville's. 150 00:06:35,533 --> 00:06:37,845 This is how peacocks mate. 151 00:06:39,709 --> 00:06:43,679 - OK, I'm going back online. 152 00:06:43,817 --> 00:06:45,543 - Well, you finding anything in there? 153 00:06:45,681 --> 00:06:48,511 - Well, I mean it's mostly advice written by men 154 00:06:48,649 --> 00:06:50,755 on what to do if a man's sex drive 155 00:06:50,893 --> 00:06:52,377 is stronger than a woman's. 156 00:06:52,515 --> 00:06:55,587 - Well, you just change the pronouns and use the advice. 157 00:06:55,725 --> 00:06:57,417 - Oh, sure, I'll tell Ben 158 00:06:57,555 --> 00:06:59,108 that he looks great in his yoga pants. 159 00:06:59,246 --> 00:07:00,903 And then I'll watch the kids 160 00:07:01,041 --> 00:07:03,940 while he takes a bubble bath and reads "People." 161 00:07:04,078 --> 00:07:05,217 - I mean, that could work. 162 00:07:05,355 --> 00:07:06,633 Everybody wants to be complimented 163 00:07:06,771 --> 00:07:10,602 and feel like they're not being taken for granted. 164 00:07:10,740 --> 00:07:12,570 - Maybe. It also says here, 165 00:07:12,708 --> 00:07:15,227 "Physical contact is not just for the bedroom. 166 00:07:15,365 --> 00:07:16,884 "You're supposed to find time throughout the day 167 00:07:17,022 --> 00:07:18,127 to reach out and touch each other." 168 00:07:18,265 --> 00:07:21,682 - This is the stuff that keeps it fresh! 169 00:07:24,305 --> 00:07:25,893 Where is Ben right now? 170 00:07:26,031 --> 00:07:27,619 Right now? 171 00:07:28,862 --> 00:07:30,898 - He's in the kitchen. He's fixing the sink. 172 00:07:31,036 --> 00:07:34,764 - Oh, my God, this is where men feel the most like men. 173 00:07:34,902 --> 00:07:36,525 I mean, it's sad, but that's how it is. 174 00:07:36,663 --> 00:07:39,148 So get in there! 175 00:07:39,286 --> 00:07:42,634 - Oh, God, I'm so not this person. 176 00:07:42,772 --> 00:07:46,051 - No, you're the person that nobody wants to have sex with. 177 00:07:47,707 --> 00:07:48,537 - You're not wrong. 178 00:07:54,094 --> 00:07:55,820 Mmm. 179 00:07:57,511 --> 00:08:00,894 Somebody's looking good under there. 180 00:08:01,032 --> 00:08:05,139 - Who put eggshells in the garbage disposal? 181 00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:08,453 - I don't know, but as I was saying, 182 00:08:08,591 --> 00:08:10,938 mmm. 183 00:08:11,076 --> 00:08:13,182 If the top half of what I'm seeing 184 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:16,323 looks as good as the bottom half... 185 00:08:16,461 --> 00:08:18,739 - What are you mumbling about? 186 00:08:21,155 --> 00:08:23,606 - Who's my big, strong lion? 187 00:08:23,744 --> 00:08:24,504 [growls awkwardly] 188 00:08:24,642 --> 00:08:26,264 - [groans] 189 00:08:26,402 --> 00:08:28,300 Darlene, damn it. 190 00:08:28,438 --> 00:08:31,200 You can't surprise me like that when I'm under the sink. 191 00:08:31,338 --> 00:08:32,477 - Well, I was just complimenting you. 192 00:08:32,615 --> 00:08:33,927 - God. 193 00:08:34,065 --> 00:08:36,515 Well, thank you. 194 00:08:36,654 --> 00:08:38,172 These are my best under-the-sink clothes. 195 00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:39,587 - [giggles] 196 00:08:39,726 --> 00:08:41,140 You're so funny. 197 00:08:49,598 --> 00:08:50,771 - I got to go get some plumbers' tape 198 00:08:50,909 --> 00:08:51,979 out of the garage. 199 00:08:52,117 --> 00:08:54,982 - You want me to help you find it? 200 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:56,328 - No, I think I got it. 201 00:08:56,466 --> 00:08:58,434 It's that little house we made for the cars. 202 00:09:06,304 --> 00:09:08,824 - Do you think this will smooth things over with Becky? 203 00:09:08,962 --> 00:09:11,412 - Nope. 204 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,691 I just got off the phone with her. 205 00:09:13,829 --> 00:09:16,072 She said she doesn't want to deal with you on Easter. 206 00:09:16,210 --> 00:09:18,799 And if you think you're seeing too much of her kid, 207 00:09:18,937 --> 00:09:20,525 go to a movie for the day. 208 00:09:20,663 --> 00:09:22,044 - What'd you tell her when she said that? 209 00:09:22,182 --> 00:09:23,321 - I said "Louise is my wife. 210 00:09:23,459 --> 00:09:24,909 If she's not here, I'm not here." 211 00:09:25,047 --> 00:09:26,358 - And what did she say? - I don't know. 212 00:09:26,496 --> 00:09:27,808 She hung up before I said that. 213 00:09:30,811 --> 00:09:32,917 - This is crazy. 214 00:09:33,055 --> 00:09:36,265 - Honey, you called her a bad mom. 215 00:09:36,403 --> 00:09:37,577 She's real sensitive about that. 216 00:09:37,715 --> 00:09:39,233 - I know that. 217 00:09:39,371 --> 00:09:41,477 And I've texted her, like, a hundred apologies. 218 00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:43,272 I went back, and I liked 219 00:09:43,410 --> 00:09:45,999 every stupid photo of her kid sleeping. 220 00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:51,004 I even wrote, "She's so good at being still." 221 00:09:52,557 --> 00:09:54,939 - This obviously doesn't come easy for you, 222 00:09:55,077 --> 00:09:58,632 but I appreciate you trying. 223 00:09:58,770 --> 00:10:01,635 But I really want my granddaughter here for Easter. 224 00:10:05,225 --> 00:10:08,435 [sensual lounge music playing] 225 00:10:08,573 --> 00:10:15,373 ♪ ♪ 226 00:10:35,842 --> 00:10:38,707 - Oh, wow. 227 00:10:38,845 --> 00:10:42,296 Look at you being all energetic and weird. 228 00:10:42,434 --> 00:10:44,333 - It's not weird. 229 00:10:44,471 --> 00:10:47,163 I was just thinking we never dance anymore. 230 00:10:49,545 --> 00:10:52,755 - Well, we never started because you hate it. 231 00:10:52,893 --> 00:10:54,619 - I hate flossing, 232 00:10:54,757 --> 00:10:56,897 but I do it. 233 00:10:58,623 --> 00:11:00,004 Come on. 234 00:11:01,384 --> 00:11:03,559 - Honey, I could watch you all night 235 00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:06,355 and analyze you all the next day, 236 00:11:06,493 --> 00:11:09,634 but I am trying to pay the bills here. 237 00:11:11,256 --> 00:11:13,293 OK. 238 00:11:13,431 --> 00:11:14,466 [sniffs] 239 00:11:14,604 --> 00:11:17,193 Wow. Are you wearing perfume? 240 00:11:17,331 --> 00:11:19,644 - I may have walked through a blast of Febreze. 241 00:11:25,132 --> 00:11:28,342 - You know what? This is fun. 242 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,760 But there's not gonna be any music to dance to 243 00:11:31,898 --> 00:11:33,589 if I don't pay the electric bill. 244 00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:37,144 - Then we'll just dance in the dark. 245 00:11:38,801 --> 00:11:40,838 Or do other things. 246 00:11:40,976 --> 00:11:42,771 - Ooh. 247 00:11:42,909 --> 00:11:44,980 Or maybe... 248 00:11:45,118 --> 00:11:46,982 we can... 249 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:49,156 do it another time. 250 00:11:52,021 --> 00:11:54,990 [turns off speaker] 251 00:11:55,128 --> 00:11:57,544 - Yeah, we can, but we never do. 252 00:11:57,682 --> 00:12:00,133 I mean, yesterday was our anniversary, you know, 253 00:12:00,271 --> 00:12:02,687 and you were too busy then too. 254 00:12:02,825 --> 00:12:05,069 I mean, do you realize that we've had sex one time 255 00:12:05,207 --> 00:12:07,623 since we moved into this house? 256 00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,970 - I haven't been counting. 257 00:12:10,108 --> 00:12:12,145 - Well, it's easy. One. 258 00:12:13,353 --> 00:12:14,319 The house is empty. 259 00:12:14,457 --> 00:12:16,011 Why can't we just do it right now? 260 00:12:16,149 --> 00:12:17,909 - Why does it have to be now? 261 00:12:18,047 --> 00:12:20,567 You're making too much of this, OK? 262 00:12:20,705 --> 00:12:22,534 Look, it's perfectly natural for sex in a marriage 263 00:12:22,672 --> 00:12:24,260 to ebb and flow. 264 00:12:24,398 --> 00:12:27,367 - Yeah, but while you're ebbing, I'm flowing. 265 00:12:27,505 --> 00:12:29,921 I mean, I really want this. I danced for you. 266 00:12:30,059 --> 00:12:31,578 You know how I feel about dancing. 267 00:12:31,716 --> 00:12:33,338 It's for people who don't have the courage to stand still. 268 00:12:35,340 --> 00:12:38,067 OK, look, if you don't want to do it right now, 269 00:12:38,205 --> 00:12:40,173 then let's just schedule something. 270 00:12:40,311 --> 00:12:42,002 - Oh, God, a schedule. 271 00:12:42,140 --> 00:12:43,693 That's just so formal. 272 00:12:43,832 --> 00:12:46,248 Can't we just let it happen naturally? 273 00:12:46,386 --> 00:12:47,836 - Ben, pick a time. 274 00:12:47,974 --> 00:12:49,838 We can't let the fire and passion 275 00:12:49,976 --> 00:12:51,391 in our marriage die, right? 276 00:12:51,529 --> 00:12:53,151 - OK. 277 00:12:53,289 --> 00:12:54,877 9:00. 278 00:12:56,154 --> 00:12:58,363 - What day? 279 00:12:58,501 --> 00:13:00,124 - Now I have to pick a day? 280 00:13:00,262 --> 00:13:03,265 - OK. Tomorrow night at 9:00. 281 00:13:03,403 --> 00:13:04,611 - Fine. 282 00:13:04,749 --> 00:13:07,545 - See? That wasn't formal. 283 00:13:07,683 --> 00:13:10,582 It was nice and natural. 284 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:13,275 I'm gonna put it in my phone. 285 00:13:13,413 --> 00:13:15,725 It'll show up in your calendar, 286 00:13:15,864 --> 00:13:18,349 and you'll get an alert, like, two hours before. 287 00:13:23,872 --> 00:13:25,770 - [clears throat] Hey, just so you know, 288 00:13:25,908 --> 00:13:27,945 Ben and I have a sex date tonight. 289 00:13:28,083 --> 00:13:30,154 - Oh, good. Where is he right now? 290 00:13:30,292 --> 00:13:32,225 - He's doing inventory. - Wow. 291 00:13:32,363 --> 00:13:34,434 How much equipment do you guys use? 292 00:13:37,886 --> 00:13:39,542 - Happy Easter! 293 00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:41,717 all: Happy Easter! 294 00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:43,926 - This is amazing. 295 00:13:44,064 --> 00:13:46,101 I love you guys. 296 00:13:46,239 --> 00:13:48,344 Beverly Rose is never gonna forget this. 297 00:13:48,482 --> 00:13:50,415 - That was the plan. 298 00:13:50,553 --> 00:13:53,418 Happy Easter, honey! 299 00:13:53,556 --> 00:13:56,836 Oh, and the Easter bunny hid eggs all over the yard. 300 00:13:58,389 --> 00:13:59,769 - What are you doing here? 301 00:13:59,908 --> 00:14:01,185 - I'm trying to make things right. 302 00:14:01,323 --> 00:14:03,808 You wanted a great Easter for Beverly Rose, 303 00:14:03,946 --> 00:14:05,845 so I'm making it happen. 304 00:14:05,983 --> 00:14:07,467 - I'm leaving, 305 00:14:07,605 --> 00:14:09,124 but I'm not going to ruin it for Beverly Rose. 306 00:14:09,262 --> 00:14:10,435 Someone needs to drive her home. 307 00:14:10,573 --> 00:14:12,161 - Oh, come on, Becky. 308 00:14:12,299 --> 00:14:13,542 I'm trying to make a gesture here. 309 00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:15,371 - Oh, look out the window as I'm leaving. 310 00:14:15,509 --> 00:14:16,648 You'll see a gesture. 311 00:14:19,651 --> 00:14:21,722 - Come on, Becky. Don't ruin the day. 312 00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,690 Louise was up all night doing this. 313 00:14:23,828 --> 00:14:25,588 - I don't care. 314 00:14:25,726 --> 00:14:27,728 You know what? 315 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,007 You wanted to be here. Let's do this. 316 00:14:30,145 --> 00:14:33,148 I was all for you marrying my dad, 317 00:14:33,286 --> 00:14:35,184 but it turns out you're one of those people 318 00:14:35,322 --> 00:14:39,016 who pretends to be nice but talks crap behind your back. 319 00:14:39,154 --> 00:14:43,020 In this house, we insult each other to our faces. 320 00:14:43,158 --> 00:14:47,196 - Damn, this is like "Real Housewives" without the money. 321 00:14:47,334 --> 00:14:49,129 - OK, I think I've been pretty patient 322 00:14:49,267 --> 00:14:50,579 hoping you two would work things out. 323 00:14:50,717 --> 00:14:52,581 Becky, you said this family 324 00:14:52,719 --> 00:14:54,341 says everything to each other's faces? 325 00:14:54,479 --> 00:14:55,687 - That's right. - Yeah. 326 00:14:55,825 --> 00:14:57,966 Well, here are some texts I've received recently. 327 00:14:58,104 --> 00:14:59,899 This one is from Aunt Jackie. 328 00:15:00,037 --> 00:15:02,729 "If Louise talks about life on the road one more time, 329 00:15:02,867 --> 00:15:05,835 "I'm gonna grab her by her cheap dyed hair 330 00:15:05,974 --> 00:15:08,666 "and kick her up and down the street. 331 00:15:08,804 --> 00:15:10,357 Then she'll be back on the road." 332 00:15:12,842 --> 00:15:14,258 - I don't think you should be talking 333 00:15:14,396 --> 00:15:17,917 about anybody's hair, Fantastic Sam. 334 00:15:18,055 --> 00:15:19,884 - You can't take that stuff seriously. 335 00:15:20,022 --> 00:15:23,094 - Here's another from a child who shall remain nameless. 336 00:15:23,232 --> 00:15:25,441 [coughs] Harris. 337 00:15:25,579 --> 00:15:29,376 "Has Aunt Jackie ever actually been institutionalized? 338 00:15:29,514 --> 00:15:31,861 Because I got a bet going with Mark and Mary." 339 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,450 - It was a game. - We were just playing 340 00:15:34,588 --> 00:15:37,005 "Which Conners Have Been Institutionalized?" 341 00:15:38,489 --> 00:15:40,249 - [laughs] - What are you laughing at? 342 00:15:40,387 --> 00:15:42,286 - Because I'm the only one here 343 00:15:42,424 --> 00:15:44,184 who hasn't been as fake as the rest of you. 344 00:15:44,322 --> 00:15:47,290 - Really? Well, how about this? 345 00:15:47,429 --> 00:15:50,915 Just last week, in the middle of your shift at The Lunch Box, 346 00:15:51,053 --> 00:15:54,746 you said, and I quote-- OK, here it is-- 347 00:15:54,884 --> 00:15:57,232 "You have no idea what a nightmare it is 348 00:15:57,370 --> 00:15:59,510 to work with these two menopausal Muppets." 349 00:15:59,648 --> 00:16:00,925 - Hey! - Hey! 350 00:16:03,203 --> 00:16:04,756 - OK. 351 00:16:04,894 --> 00:16:07,138 I think I made my point. 352 00:16:07,276 --> 00:16:09,485 We've all had days where we're stressed out, 353 00:16:09,623 --> 00:16:12,937 or pissed, or just having a lousy day. 354 00:16:13,075 --> 00:16:14,628 Before these things, 355 00:16:14,766 --> 00:16:15,871 you badmouthed a friend to a friend. 356 00:16:16,009 --> 00:16:17,321 And that was the end of it. 357 00:16:17,459 --> 00:16:20,220 Now you write it down, you send it out, 358 00:16:20,358 --> 00:16:22,982 and it's out there forever. 359 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,605 It ain't natural. 360 00:16:25,743 --> 00:16:29,643 - Look, I just want the whole family to get along 361 00:16:29,781 --> 00:16:32,025 and enjoy a holiday. 362 00:16:32,163 --> 00:16:35,132 I did something stupid. Can't we just get over it? 363 00:16:35,270 --> 00:16:37,824 - Let's all agree we're sorry for what we said, 364 00:16:37,962 --> 00:16:39,688 wipe the slate clean, 365 00:16:39,826 --> 00:16:42,104 and delete the Conner text chain. 366 00:16:42,242 --> 00:16:43,623 - That's right. Sorry, everybody. 367 00:16:43,761 --> 00:16:45,866 - Sorry, you guys. - Hit delete. 368 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:48,938 - I do have one last thing to ask. 369 00:16:49,077 --> 00:16:51,424 Was Aunt Jackie ever institutionalized? 370 00:16:54,116 --> 00:16:55,324 - Darlene, hey. 371 00:16:55,462 --> 00:16:57,913 I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna be late. 372 00:16:58,051 --> 00:17:00,088 I know, but I can't help it. 373 00:17:00,226 --> 00:17:01,951 The sprinkler pipe burst. 374 00:17:02,090 --> 00:17:04,022 Your dad's going up on the roof to fix it. 375 00:17:04,161 --> 00:17:07,542 I'm getting inventory out of the way of the leaks. 376 00:17:07,681 --> 00:17:10,477 I, uh--I really don't know what time I'll be home. 377 00:17:12,721 --> 00:17:13,790 Yeah. 378 00:17:13,929 --> 00:17:17,138 Well, I'm sorry too. 379 00:17:19,314 --> 00:17:20,280 OK. 380 00:17:31,602 --> 00:17:33,155 [door opens] 381 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:41,232 Well, what are you doing up? 382 00:17:41,370 --> 00:17:43,096 You should have gone to bed, hon. 383 00:17:45,029 --> 00:17:47,342 I'm sorry tonight got messed up. 384 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:48,860 - Just stop. 385 00:17:48,998 --> 00:17:50,310 I know you're lying. 386 00:17:50,448 --> 00:17:52,554 I'm not even mad. I'm just embarrassed. 387 00:17:52,692 --> 00:17:53,762 - What are you talking about? 388 00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:56,005 - My dad was here when you called, 389 00:17:56,144 --> 00:17:57,766 but nice touch with the wet shirt. 390 00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:02,598 - Well, I find when you're lying to your wife 391 00:18:02,736 --> 00:18:03,910 about not having sex, 392 00:18:04,048 --> 00:18:06,740 the details are important. 393 00:18:06,878 --> 00:18:08,190 - I've been stood up before, 394 00:18:08,328 --> 00:18:09,881 but I never thought it would be by my husband. 395 00:18:11,849 --> 00:18:13,471 - I'm so sorry. 396 00:18:16,509 --> 00:18:18,166 - Why the hell don't you want to have sex with me? 397 00:18:18,304 --> 00:18:19,891 - Oh, no. 398 00:18:20,029 --> 00:18:21,341 Yes, I do. 399 00:18:21,479 --> 00:18:23,550 I always do. 400 00:18:25,518 --> 00:18:29,108 When we first started, I had my own magazine. 401 00:18:29,246 --> 00:18:30,902 I was writing. 402 00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:34,803 I felt really great about myself. 403 00:18:36,839 --> 00:18:38,117 - What, and you don't now? 404 00:18:38,255 --> 00:18:40,567 - It's just different. 405 00:18:40,705 --> 00:18:44,433 Now I'm hardware store guy and wear a vest. 406 00:18:44,571 --> 00:18:46,194 And I'm stepdad guy. 407 00:18:46,332 --> 00:18:48,196 And I have a million responsibilities. 408 00:18:48,334 --> 00:18:51,130 And... [sighs] 409 00:18:51,268 --> 00:18:54,788 I just don't feel, 410 00:18:54,926 --> 00:18:56,859 you know. 411 00:18:56,997 --> 00:18:59,483 - No, I don't know. 412 00:18:59,621 --> 00:19:01,899 You don't feel what? 413 00:19:02,037 --> 00:19:06,352 - I don't feel sexy right now. 414 00:19:08,630 --> 00:19:10,666 - What are you talking about? 415 00:19:10,804 --> 00:19:12,772 Honey, you're beautiful. 416 00:19:12,910 --> 00:19:14,256 - Oh, you don't mean that. 417 00:19:14,394 --> 00:19:16,258 I didn't even have a chance to fix my face. 418 00:19:19,054 --> 00:19:20,159 - Look. Come on, Ben. 419 00:19:20,297 --> 00:19:22,506 You've taken all the crap 420 00:19:22,644 --> 00:19:24,439 that me and my family have thrown at you, 421 00:19:24,577 --> 00:19:25,957 and you are still standing. 422 00:19:26,095 --> 00:19:28,512 I mean, I think that is crazy hot. 423 00:19:30,652 --> 00:19:32,688 - I love that you feel that way. 424 00:19:32,826 --> 00:19:35,139 I mean, I don't know what turns you on 425 00:19:35,277 --> 00:19:37,624 about stressed-out dad bod, but I'll take it. 426 00:19:40,109 --> 00:19:41,835 I just don't want to disappoint you, you know? 427 00:19:41,973 --> 00:19:44,700 And you kept pushing me. 428 00:19:44,838 --> 00:19:47,186 And then I guess the scheduling sex 429 00:19:47,324 --> 00:19:49,740 just kind of pushed me over the edge. 430 00:19:51,638 --> 00:19:53,295 - OK. 431 00:19:53,433 --> 00:19:56,816 Why don't we shelve sex for the time being? 432 00:19:56,954 --> 00:19:58,645 We're still gonna make a schedule. 433 00:19:58,783 --> 00:20:00,544 But no pressure. It's just to hang out. 434 00:20:00,682 --> 00:20:03,340 And then you will tell me when you're ready. 435 00:20:03,478 --> 00:20:05,963 - And look, eventually, I will come to terms 436 00:20:06,101 --> 00:20:08,172 with the fact that I'm not cool anymore. 437 00:20:10,657 --> 00:20:13,315 And it's gonna happen sooner than later. 438 00:20:13,453 --> 00:20:14,868 - Good. 439 00:20:15,006 --> 00:20:16,870 And if I'm on my deathbed, just, you know, 440 00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:18,286 throw me one so I don't wait for nothing. 441 00:20:24,706 --> 00:20:26,190 - You guys doing OK? 442 00:20:26,328 --> 00:20:27,916 [turns off TV] 443 00:20:28,054 --> 00:20:29,918 - I've been racking my brain 444 00:20:30,056 --> 00:20:32,127 trying to figure out why you wrote that. 445 00:20:33,646 --> 00:20:37,201 Do you resent me because I have a kid and you never had one? 446 00:20:37,339 --> 00:20:40,515 - Oh, I don't resent you, Becky. 447 00:20:40,653 --> 00:20:43,690 And my stupid remark had nothing to do 448 00:20:43,828 --> 00:20:46,659 with me having a kid or not having a kid. 449 00:20:46,797 --> 00:20:49,248 I had a lousy mom. 450 00:20:49,386 --> 00:20:51,940 And if anything, I could jealous of the fact 451 00:20:52,078 --> 00:20:55,737 that Beverly Rose has a mom that loves her so much 452 00:20:55,875 --> 00:20:58,084 she wants everyone else to know. 453 00:20:58,222 --> 00:21:01,363 You're a great mom with a great kid 454 00:21:01,501 --> 00:21:04,090 that I'm tired of deleting photos of. 455 00:21:04,228 --> 00:21:07,611 You see, I have an iPhone 4, 456 00:21:07,749 --> 00:21:09,233 and it's clogging it up. 457 00:21:09,371 --> 00:21:11,546 I am one photo away 458 00:21:11,684 --> 00:21:15,135 from not being able to make a phone call. 459 00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:17,862 - You could give Apple another $1.99 a month. 460 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,071 - Over my dead body. 461 00:21:20,209 --> 00:21:21,866 - [whispering] Don't say that. 462 00:21:22,004 --> 00:21:23,489 They can hear you. 463 00:21:28,425 --> 00:21:30,012 - [giggles]