1
00:00:01,168 --> 00:00:03,295
[bluesy harmonica music]
2
00:00:03,295 --> 00:00:04,630
I am the king
of pocket change.
3
00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:07,424
Hey.
4
00:00:07,424 --> 00:00:08,634
Come on.
5
00:00:08,634 --> 00:00:10,427
Aces one time, Dad.
6
00:00:10,427 --> 00:00:12,596
I'm saving up
for a new computer for Mark.
7
00:00:12,596 --> 00:00:15,182
He uses it on his lap,
and it heats up so bad,
8
00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:18,518
I'm afraid he's cooking
my future grandkids.
9
00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:21,313
I'd like to remind everyone
that the ante is a nickel,
10
00:00:21,313 --> 00:00:23,482
and no one has ever
won more than $7 here.
11
00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:25,359
But dream on.
12
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:27,402
That ends now,
as I am implementing
13
00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:29,655
a new additional
rule for tonight.
14
00:00:29,655 --> 00:00:32,032
For new boyfriends--
welcome, Tyler--
15
00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:35,202
the ante is $25.
16
00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:37,454
Come on, Dad.
Play nice.
17
00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:39,957
This isn't one of the ones
I want you to scare off.
18
00:00:39,957 --> 00:00:42,417
No, no, he's got to learn.
19
00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:44,211
Next time, don't let
your girlfriend's father
20
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:47,381
know that you've
got a good job.
21
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:49,466
Dan, I'm going to take all
your money and your daughter.
22
00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:52,052
all: Oh!
23
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,595
Only half of that bothers me.
24
00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:55,389
Hey.
25
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,016
Have you told Beverly Rose
that Tyler's your boyfriend?
26
00:00:58,016 --> 00:00:59,851
Not yet.
And I almost blew it.
27
00:00:59,851 --> 00:01:01,895
I went into The Lunch Box,
28
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:03,272
and I-I didn't know
she was in there,
29
00:01:03,272 --> 00:01:05,065
and I accidentally
kissed Becky.
30
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,692
Yeah, and I had to cover
31
00:01:06,692 --> 00:01:08,902
by kissing the rest
of my customers.
32
00:01:11,113 --> 00:01:13,490
It was a great day for tips.
- Yeah, but I--
33
00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:16,076
You set the bar too high.
34
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,578
I had to take my bra off
for the rest of the day
35
00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:21,915
just to make five bucks
in change.
36
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,668
But Tyler and I have decided
37
00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:27,379
to tell Beverly Rose
we're a couple.
38
00:01:27,379 --> 00:01:29,506
The problem is,
with kids of divorce,
39
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:31,800
if you don't get it right
there can be feelings
40
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,635
of guilt, resentment,
and long-term effects
41
00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:35,137
on their mental health.
42
00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:36,388
Well, if it makes
you feel any better,
43
00:01:36,388 --> 00:01:38,098
Mom and Dad were
together forever.
44
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,809
We suffer from all that stuff.
45
00:01:40,809 --> 00:01:42,853
She's not wrong.
You kids are disasters.
46
00:01:42,853 --> 00:01:44,146
Hey.
47
00:01:44,146 --> 00:01:45,605
We're going to do it right.
48
00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:47,441
I'm coming over to the house
on Valentine's Day,
49
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:49,067
and I'm going to give
Beverly Rose a valentine
50
00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:50,277
and chocolates.
51
00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:51,653
That's smart.
52
00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:54,406
That way she associates you
with good things.
53
00:01:54,406 --> 00:01:56,116
That works
for older people, too.
54
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,909
If you wanted Dad to like you,
55
00:01:57,909 --> 00:01:59,870
maybe bring over
a large bouquet of Budweiser.
56
00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:01,788
[laughs]
57
00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:03,332
Well, could you
tell her soon?
58
00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:04,916
Because that way,
Tyler can stop creeping
59
00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:06,376
in and out of our house.
60
00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,295
It's just awkward
when our booty calls
61
00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:10,756
run into each other
in the hallway.
62
00:02:10,756 --> 00:02:11,757
I'm sorry about that.
63
00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:13,258
We just can't go
back to my place
64
00:02:13,258 --> 00:02:15,385
because I live with my mother.
65
00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:17,679
- Ah.
- [shudders]
66
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:19,181
[chuckles]
67
00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:24,978
And the spotlight
moves to Tyler.
68
00:02:26,355 --> 00:02:28,106
But the, uh--
the breastfeeding,
69
00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:30,525
you've moved
on from that, right?
70
00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:32,736
I'm only at my mom's
because I travel a lot
71
00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:34,321
and I don't want to waste money
on rent.
72
00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:36,239
You guys need to lay off.
73
00:02:36,239 --> 00:02:39,534
Sneaking around
has been really hard on us.
74
00:02:39,534 --> 00:02:42,746
We've had to do some really
crazy stuff to get any privacy.
75
00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:44,247
Oh, yeah.
76
00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:45,916
Well, Darlene and I know
what that's like
77
00:02:45,916 --> 00:02:47,959
from when we lived with Dan.
78
00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:49,378
Ugh, I hate that I know this,
79
00:02:49,378 --> 00:02:53,340
but the baby-changing tables
at Arby's--
80
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:55,467
the only ones that'll support
two adults.
81
00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:03,684
Like you're the first one
to discover that.
82
00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:09,272
[bluesy rock music]
83
00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:16,071
♪ ♪
84
00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:29,459
"The Conners" is filmed
85
00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:31,294
in front
of a live studio audience.
86
00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:35,632
So, spending Valentine's Day
at The Lunch Box.
87
00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:38,385
Not only is the romance gone,
it's been taken out back,
88
00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:40,011
shot, and dumped in the woods.
89
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:45,308
For your information,
we have planned a lovely,
90
00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:47,394
intimate evening
in downtown Chicago.
91
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:50,647
So we will be keeping it light
and splitting
92
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:55,694
the "Nothing Will Come
Between Us" wedge salad.
93
00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:57,320
Hey.
94
00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,574
Sorry I'm late, but we
have got a big problem.
95
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:03,243
What else is new?
96
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,537
Somebody stole Bev's identity
97
00:04:05,537 --> 00:04:08,123
and ran up, like, $10,000
on her credit cards.
98
00:04:08,123 --> 00:04:09,499
They bought two puppies,
99
00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:12,461
started sponsoring twin orphans
in South America,
100
00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:15,255
and bought a long-term
timeshare
101
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:18,049
with no holidays available.
102
00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:21,845
How can Bev not know
about this?
103
00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:23,096
It's her account.
104
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:24,681
Well, she's in her 90s,
105
00:04:24,681 --> 00:04:26,892
and when she started
developing dementia,
106
00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:29,311
I had to jump in
and take over her bills.
107
00:04:29,311 --> 00:04:31,480
Why not just have the company
freeze her credit card?
108
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:34,232
She's not going to understand
what's going on.
109
00:04:34,232 --> 00:04:35,567
She's going to get
all agitated.
110
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:37,903
Then she's going to look
for a way to blame me
111
00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:39,112
because that's her MO.
112
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,655
Then I'm going to see
a white flash,
113
00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:42,949
and I'm going to wake up
on the dark web,
114
00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:45,202
shopping for chloroform.
115
00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:49,664
I can't do it by myself.
116
00:04:49,664 --> 00:04:51,541
Darlene, you have to come
with me tomorrow.
117
00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:54,169
You know,
I have distinctly cultivated
118
00:04:54,169 --> 00:04:55,879
a repellent personality
119
00:04:55,879 --> 00:04:57,672
so that people
would not ask me for favors.
120
00:04:57,672 --> 00:05:01,510
[groaning]
121
00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:02,677
All right.
122
00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:03,887
Okay, fine.
123
00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:05,222
Fine.
124
00:05:05,222 --> 00:05:06,890
But if she starts
insisting again
125
00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:08,767
that I'm that little guy
who was the lead singer
126
00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:10,227
of The Monkees, I'm out.
127
00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:16,316
Remember, we're going
to see how things go,
128
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,151
and if she seems
like she likes you,
129
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:20,695
we'll ease
into the boyfriend talk.
130
00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:22,030
Oh, just a heads-up--
131
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:24,074
if Beverly Rose
feels uncomfortable,
132
00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:26,201
she may become
a dog named Pancake.
133
00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:32,040
Beverly Rose, look who's here.
134
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:34,251
It's my friend Tyler.
135
00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:36,419
You met him at The Lunch Box, remember?
136
00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:39,714
That was the day
you kissed everybody.
137
00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:41,049
Yes, it was.
138
00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:43,426
Let's not share that.
139
00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:46,388
Uh, I think Tyler
brought you something.
140
00:05:46,388 --> 00:05:49,349
Um, Happy Valentine's Day.
141
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,268
It's a jet like I fly,
142
00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:54,646
and inside
is a little woman pilot.
143
00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:57,357
Who makes a fraction
of what her male copilot makes.
144
00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:01,319
All right, I got
a romantic evening tonight.
145
00:06:01,319 --> 00:06:03,655
I got to go put on a bold lip
and take some Gas-X.
146
00:06:05,323 --> 00:06:07,242
Since it's a plane
that delivers packages,
147
00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:08,493
why don't you look inside
148
00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:10,203
and see if there's anything
for you?
149
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:11,830
[gasps]
150
00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:13,665
I already got candy
at school.
151
00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:15,000
Do you have anything else?
152
00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:18,670
Beverly Rose,
you're being rude.
153
00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:21,548
Tyler got you something nice.
You should say thank you.
154
00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:23,508
Thank you.
155
00:06:23,508 --> 00:06:25,343
It's--
156
00:06:25,343 --> 00:06:27,095
You know what?
There's--there's actually--
157
00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:28,680
There's something else.
There's something else.
158
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,056
Let's...
159
00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:32,058
Look at that.
It's money.
160
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,482
It's a $20 bill.
161
00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:41,276
This is what they
look like, Mom.
162
00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:45,405
- [chuckles awkwardly]
- She hugged me.
163
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,657
Yeah, couple trips
to the ATM,
164
00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:50,994
and she'll be cool
with us getting married.
165
00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:52,829
Is that in play?
166
00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:54,247
I'm a middle-aged
single mother
167
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:55,707
living with her kid sister.
168
00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:57,208
Everything is in play.
169
00:06:57,208 --> 00:06:58,668
[bluesy harmonica music]
170
00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:02,505
[knocking on door]
171
00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:05,884
Oh.
Hey, Mom.
172
00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:08,386
I thought your nurse
would be answering the door.
173
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:10,263
We've be talking
about her posture,
174
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:12,182
and I said she's getting
one of those humps,
175
00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:14,976
and she said she
needed some air.
176
00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:17,937
I think she goes out
and smokes cigarettes.
177
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:20,690
So what brings you by, Jackie?
178
00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:22,317
Oh, nothing big.
179
00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:24,986
Um, you know who this is?
180
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:29,074
Of course I do.
181
00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:33,203
- Hi.
- Hi.
182
00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:36,915
Uh, come have a seat,
and you can both tell me
183
00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:39,459
why you look so constipated.
184
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,544
It seems like you're having
a pretty good day.
185
00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:45,423
Unfortunately, I got
a little bit of bad news, Mom.
186
00:07:45,423 --> 00:07:47,258
Your credit card number
was stolen,
187
00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:49,427
and you're going to have to get
a new card.
188
00:07:49,427 --> 00:07:52,389
That's terrible.
How can someone do that?
189
00:07:52,389 --> 00:07:54,099
Well, they pretend to be you.
190
00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:56,393
They buy things online
using your account.
191
00:07:56,393 --> 00:07:58,019
They do it
through the computer.
192
00:07:58,019 --> 00:08:01,189
How'd they get my computer?
193
00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:03,066
They don't need
your computer.
194
00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:05,276
They have your
credit card information.
195
00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:07,987
That's impossible.
I have the card right here.
196
00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:09,823
No, it's not
how it works, Mom.
197
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,242
Somehow they got
your numbers online.
198
00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:14,035
This is all a big bore.
199
00:08:14,035 --> 00:08:16,121
You and Davy Jones work it out.
200
00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:20,041
Is it the haircut?
Is it because I'm short?
201
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:21,626
Or what's the--
202
00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:25,046
Mom, Mom, your card
is going to be unusable
203
00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:26,256
for one or two days.
204
00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:29,592
Somebody bought puppies,
sponsored orphans,
205
00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:31,511
signed up for a timeshare,
206
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:34,305
and donated
to some sketchy organization
207
00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:36,433
that's had four documentaries
about it.
208
00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:37,851
That was me.
209
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,060
What?
210
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,481
[dog barks]
211
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:48,361
Isn't he cute?
212
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:50,447
Why would you buy
all these things?
213
00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:53,032
And, more importantly, how
are you going to pay for them?
214
00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:55,493
I just pay
the minimum every month.
215
00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:57,036
I know what I'm doing.
216
00:08:57,036 --> 00:09:00,331
These are all things
I want and need.
217
00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:03,585
But they all require time.
218
00:09:03,585 --> 00:09:06,504
Puppies grow up.
Orphans grow up.
219
00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:08,465
Timeshares...
220
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:12,093
you know, time.
221
00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:13,887
I don't know
what you're getting at.
222
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:16,681
I have nothing but time.
223
00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:19,392
This one won't do his business
in the cold,
224
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,603
so he needs a warm winter home.
225
00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:24,898
That's why I bought
the timeshare in Miami.
226
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:27,108
Okay, but puppies
and timeshares
227
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:29,903
are long-term commitments.
228
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:34,199
You're sort of short-term.
229
00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:37,702
- I don't know what you mean.
- Okay.
230
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:39,704
There's a guy standing
behind you
231
00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:42,373
with a black robe and a sickle.
232
00:09:42,373 --> 00:09:44,667
And it falls off on us.
233
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:46,961
We're going to get stuck
taking care of all these things
234
00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:49,589
and dealing with a huge bill.
235
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:54,052
Well, I'm getting points
for all my purchases.
236
00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:56,846
Yeah, okay, well, when we get
out of the poorhouse,
237
00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:58,139
we'll use them.
238
00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:00,475
We'll, uh, go down
and visit the puppies,
239
00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:04,437
who are living it up in Miami
but never on a holiday.
240
00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:09,484
[bluesy rock music]
241
00:10:09,484 --> 00:10:11,277
Oh, no, you beat me again.
242
00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:12,779
Here's another $20.
243
00:10:14,405 --> 00:10:15,573
Okay.
244
00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:18,785
Uh, that's a 3-day take of $80.
245
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:20,745
I think we're done with Uno.
246
00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:23,164
Well, I blew through most
of my cash on the giraffe,
247
00:10:23,164 --> 00:10:26,668
but if she has a Venmo account,
we can keep right on going.
248
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:28,044
It's okay.
249
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,380
And Beverly Rose and I also
have a date
250
00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,507
at Uncle Chester's for pizza.
251
00:10:32,507 --> 00:10:34,259
I want Tyler to come.
252
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:37,387
Oh, that's great.
Me too.
253
00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:39,639
And I want to go
to Dave & Buster's.
254
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:42,100
Tyler could buy games,
and I could win stuff.
255
00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:46,104
No, that's too expensive,
256
00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:48,523
and Tyler has bought you
enough stuff this week.
257
00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:50,108
I don't mind paying.
258
00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:51,943
I hate Uncle Chester's now.
259
00:10:51,943 --> 00:10:54,696
You go there, and I'll go
to Dave & Buster's with Tyler.
260
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,116
Wow.
261
00:10:58,116 --> 00:11:01,452
We do not talk
to each other like this.
262
00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:03,246
I don't think
we're going anywhere,
263
00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:06,082
and Tyler is going home.
264
00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:07,959
Do I have to?
265
00:11:07,959 --> 00:11:09,794
Yeah, you do.
266
00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:11,421
I got to deal with this.
267
00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:16,634
Not fair.
268
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:21,639
Normally, sending her to
a room would be a punishment,
269
00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:24,100
but now she's just
going to go in there
270
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,810
and make it rain
on Mr. Giraffe.
271
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:28,646
♪ ♪
272
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:34,110
Okay, so I called you guys
because Bev is out of control,
273
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:37,030
and Darlene and I can't
handle this alone.
274
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,740
How does this affect us?
275
00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:41,326
And by us, I mean me, because
that's all I care about.
276
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:44,829
Look, none of us
wants to deal with this,
277
00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:46,998
but she's about to leave us
a mountain of debt.
278
00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:48,833
And in case you haven't heard
the expression,
279
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:50,668
debt runs downhill.
280
00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:53,046
Yeah, so we have to undo
everything she's done.
281
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:55,214
Harris, you deal
with the timeshare guy.
282
00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:57,634
You might have to fly to Miami
and throw him one,
283
00:11:57,634 --> 00:12:00,970
but we're talking
about thousands of dollars.
284
00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:03,640
Darlene, you've always been
the messenger of doom,
285
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:06,684
so you tell the orphans
they're on their own again.
286
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:09,771
All right,
I'm a little rusty,
287
00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,564
but looking forward
to getting back on that horse.
288
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:14,484
Okay, and, Ben, why don't
you work on canceling
289
00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:17,320
Bev's auto-pay contribution
to some organization
290
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,530
called The Pyramid?
291
00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:21,407
That's it?
What's the catch?
292
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:23,493
Well, we're not exactly
sure what The Pyramid is,
293
00:12:23,493 --> 00:12:25,912
but according
to all four documentaries,
294
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:28,164
they're going to threaten you.
295
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:29,415
Threaten me with what?
296
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:32,335
Taking my money,
my self-esteem.
297
00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:35,713
my Goodwill IZOD shirt?
298
00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:39,425
Somebody's got to do
something about those puppies.
299
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,678
No. No, no.
- No?
300
00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:44,222
- I'm not doing the puppies.
- Dan, you love animals.
301
00:12:44,222 --> 00:12:45,807
Yeah, but Beverly
doesn't love me.
302
00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:48,768
I'm not going over
to that apartment by myself
303
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:52,689
and try and pry a puppy
from her dry, bony clutches.
304
00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:55,858
Darlene?
- Oh, no.
305
00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:57,860
I told her I was on tour
with Herman's Hermits.
306
00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:59,028
It'll just freak her out.
307
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:04,659
Oh, God, fine.
308
00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:08,413
I'm gonna be making minimum
payments on my mom's card
309
00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:11,874
for the rest of my life
after she dies.
310
00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:14,377
[exhales deeply]
- Wait a second.
311
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,504
Oh, my God, I just remembered.
312
00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:19,549
After Mom died, I called
the credit card company,
313
00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:21,884
and they wiped
the balance clean on her card.
314
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,720
They said it's just a tax loss.
315
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,014
Holy crap,
are you kidding me?
316
00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:27,682
No, I guess when it happened,
317
00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:29,684
there was just so much
going on, I blocked it out.
318
00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:32,103
[shushing]
319
00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:36,649
So, if I'm hearing
what you're saying,
320
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,985
theoretically...
321
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:41,821
a person could run up thousands
on her card
322
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,782
and not have to pay anything
after she's gone.
323
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:51,205
[softly] And if we expand
on that theory...
324
00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:55,209
someone could use
Grandma Bev's card, say,
325
00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:56,919
to buy somebody's son
a computer
326
00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:59,672
that they need for college.
327
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:04,343
[softly] And if we really
challenged this theory,
328
00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:07,096
a great-granddaughter
could get a new phone
329
00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:09,182
with, I don't know,
unlimited data.
330
00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:13,394
[softly]
Right.
331
00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:15,480
[normal voice]
My knees are killing me.
332
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:18,399
Is it okay if we talk softly
but up on the couch?
333
00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:22,904
[bluesy rock music]
334
00:14:22,904 --> 00:14:25,406
[knocking on door]
- Just come in.
335
00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:27,283
But if you're here to rob me,
I warn you,
336
00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:28,910
I have vicious dogs.
[door opens]
337
00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:30,453
Are you vicious dogs?
Are you?
338
00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:33,081
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
339
00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:38,169
I can't do this.
340
00:14:38,169 --> 00:14:40,838
Do you want the puppies
to eat Bev when she dies?
341
00:14:40,838 --> 00:14:42,131
You're right.
342
00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:44,050
No puppy should have
to ingest that much evil.
343
00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:48,888
Bev, I came here for a reason,
344
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,057
and I want to make it clear
that, despite our history,
345
00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:52,683
I'm not looking for a fight.
346
00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:55,186
Well, since you're bringing
up our history,
347
00:14:55,186 --> 00:14:57,897
I think it's time
to clear the air.
348
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,857
Here we go.
349
00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:01,484
Dan, I've always been
hard on you
350
00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:03,486
because I thought
you were the rock
351
00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:06,239
that was going to bring
Roseanne down.
352
00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:08,908
But I was wrong,
because you turned out
353
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:13,287
to be the rock that kept
everyone from blowing away.
354
00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:15,123
You're a good man.
355
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,127
I'm scared, Daddy.
356
00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:23,673
Bev...
357
00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:25,842
do you know
what you're saying?
358
00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:29,053
Because it would seem
to indicate that you like me.
359
00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:31,722
We find that troubling.
360
00:15:31,722 --> 00:15:34,225
Dan, I owe you
for all of the happiness
361
00:15:34,225 --> 00:15:36,269
that my daughter had
in this life
362
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:39,814
and for my beautiful
grandchildren.
363
00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:40,940
Thank you, Beverly.
364
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,984
I really appreciate
you saying that.
365
00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:45,319
I did my best.
366
00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:47,613
Dan, will you hand me
the dog treats?
367
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:51,117
I've got to reward my young men
for being such good boys.
368
00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:54,370
You know what, Bev?
369
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:57,748
You've already been so nice
to me today.
370
00:15:57,748 --> 00:15:59,750
And I hate
to even ask you this,
371
00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:02,628
but would you even consider...
372
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:05,214
giving this good boy
your puppies?
373
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:06,883
The kids are all
out of the house,
374
00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:09,427
and I could use the company.
375
00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:11,888
I was hoping
someone would ask.
376
00:16:11,888 --> 00:16:13,472
I'm worried
they won't get along
377
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:15,975
with the cockatoo
I still have coming.
378
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:20,146
♪ ♪
379
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:23,232
Hey.
Beverly Rose is in bed.
380
00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:26,110
When you get a chance,
come on over, and we'll talk.
381
00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:28,362
[knocking on door]
382
00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:30,364
Is that you?
383
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:35,119
Oh, my God.
384
00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:39,999
I was a little anxious, so
I just walked around the block
385
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,292
a couple hundred times.
386
00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:47,548
Look, I know you're upset
with me,
387
00:16:47,548 --> 00:16:49,717
but I know that if she doesn't
like me, I'll lose you.
388
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:51,344
I've seen it before.
389
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:54,680
And I've seen kids
be entitled little snots.
390
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,682
So I took her $80,
391
00:16:56,682 --> 00:17:00,394
and I told her it was going
towards a college education.
392
00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:02,897
It's my college education,
393
00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:04,732
but she will still benefit
from it.
394
00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:08,778
Okay.
I get it.
395
00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:10,738
I went overboard.
396
00:17:10,738 --> 00:17:12,531
I'm just desperate
to make this work.
397
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:15,493
Yeah.
I want to make it work, too.
398
00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:17,370
But you're setting
Beverly Rose up
399
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,622
for constant disappointment.
400
00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:22,708
And it's not one
of the many disappointments
401
00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:24,752
we've been preparing her for.
402
00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:26,671
Okay, so...
403
00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:29,465
if she doesn't like me,
what happens with us?
404
00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:32,301
A Conner will throw a child
out of the house
405
00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:35,054
for a man
who makes a decent living.
406
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,139
But I kind of like this kid,
407
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:41,435
and I think, even without
the money and the gifts,
408
00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:43,896
she's going to like you
as much as I do.
409
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:46,107
Okay, so I got to get her
to like me for me.
410
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:49,694
But even my mom makes me
buy her cigarettes
411
00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:50,903
and lotto tickets.
412
00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:57,076
Wow, a damaged man
with money--
413
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,912
marriage is definitely
on the table.
414
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,711
Remember, we have Bev
to thank for these presents.
415
00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:08,754
[laughs]
- Huh.
416
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:11,215
Really is like
Christmas morning,
417
00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:14,093
if our parents made better
choices and really loved us.
418
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,679
Uh, excuse me, it was my idea
419
00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:18,264
to cheat
the credit card people.
420
00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:20,099
How about
a little appreciation?
421
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,476
Well, you can't take
all the credit.
422
00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:25,938
It was me who actually
committed the fraud.
423
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:27,690
[laughter]
424
00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:31,777
Hey, Ben, Ben, did you see
Mark's new computer?
425
00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:33,237
Uh-huh.
Yeah, it's pretty.
426
00:18:33,237 --> 00:18:35,489
Ben, how'd it go
with canceling
427
00:18:35,489 --> 00:18:37,491
Bev's monthly subscription
to The Pyramid?
428
00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:39,910
You know...
429
00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:41,787
they actually have
some good ideas.
430
00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:46,709
I do feel like my mind
gets in the way
431
00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:49,754
of what I want to accomplish
on this planet.
432
00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:51,297
Yeah, well,
don't get attached.
433
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:52,673
As soon as they find
out you're poor,
434
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:54,508
they won't even let you
scrub the boat.
435
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:57,970
Hey, Harris, did you get
a chance to check out
436
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,389
our new order-tablet
software system?
437
00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:03,476
I already made an account for
the restaurant and signed in.
438
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,853
Look at this.
- Oh.
439
00:19:05,853 --> 00:19:09,482
"Welcome to The Munch Box.
440
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,776
Please punch in
your order, Jockey."
441
00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:16,489
Oh, darn. See, that took me,
like, six hours to do that.
442
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,074
Good news--
443
00:19:18,074 --> 00:19:20,660
I got Bev's nurse
to take the puppies.
444
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:23,746
I passed a cockatoo
in the hallway.
445
00:19:23,746 --> 00:19:24,872
Big bird.
446
00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:27,124
So, Dan...
447
00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:29,085
Dan, everybody else
in the family
448
00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:30,795
got something
from Bev's credit card,
449
00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:32,672
and I think you deserve
something, too.
450
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:34,548
Your options are
451
00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:38,260
a TV that looks like a painting
of a Paris street when it's off
452
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:41,639
or two months
of mortgage payments.
453
00:19:41,639 --> 00:19:46,102
Well, I-I do care about
what I leave for my children.
454
00:19:46,102 --> 00:19:48,604
But I want that TV painting.
455
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,773
[cell phone rings]
456
00:19:50,773 --> 00:19:52,066
Oh.
457
00:19:52,066 --> 00:19:53,442
Hey, hon.
458
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:57,071
Hey, we're going to order
the TV painting.
459
00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:59,281
Oh, they did, huh?
460
00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:00,700
Oh.
461
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,702
Oh, okay, yeah.
462
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:05,454
Um, let me call you back.
463
00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:08,040
- Everything okay?
- That was Neville.
464
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,502
He said the credit card company
tried calling the house.
465
00:20:11,502 --> 00:20:13,462
I wasn't there,
so they called my mom's
466
00:20:13,462 --> 00:20:15,714
to confirm all the new charges,
467
00:20:15,714 --> 00:20:18,259
and she denied
making any of them.
468
00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:21,846
Well, she didn't.
469
00:20:21,846 --> 00:20:23,222
Thank you!
470
00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:27,601
So...
471
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:31,647
they're going to investigate
the charges for fraud.
472
00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:33,732
And...
473
00:20:33,732 --> 00:20:37,403
[stuttering] You're the one
responsible for this.
474
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,530
No way. You bought the gifts,
so it was you.
475
00:20:39,530 --> 00:20:42,450
You even said so.
- Well, you're the mastermind.
476
00:20:42,450 --> 00:20:45,661
You tried taking credit for it
just a minute ago.
477
00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:48,581
Well, a lot's changed
since then, Jockey.
478
00:20:53,627 --> 00:20:55,463
You can tell a lot about how
these kids will turn out
479
00:20:55,463 --> 00:20:58,215
by the valentines
they give Beverly Rose.
480
00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:00,176
"Roses are red,
violets are blue,
481
00:21:00,176 --> 00:21:03,262
but it depends on
the composition of the soil."
482
00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:05,222
Tell Beverly Rose
to kiss this boy.
483
00:21:05,222 --> 00:21:07,099
He's going to end up
at Microsoft.
484
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,101
Yeah.
[clears throat]
485
00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:11,896
"I will give you my heart...
486
00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:16,317
even though my mom said
I'll die without it."
487
00:21:16,317 --> 00:21:19,445
Oh, and, look, Calder drew
a picture of himself
488
00:21:19,445 --> 00:21:22,698
ripping his tiny little heart
out of his chest.
489
00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:25,493
Lucky--I would have killed
for a connection like that.
490
00:21:27,495 --> 00:21:29,038
[child giggles]