[bluesy harmonica music]
OK, philosophy book, check.
And toothbrush, toothpaste, check.
Hey, if you're running away from home,
letting your mommy pack your bag for you
kind of ruins the shock value.
When you're a commuter student,
you don't have a dorm room
to go back to and grab anything.
Whatever I might need has to be in there
since once I get to school, I'm basically stranded.
Oh, so it's kind of like "Naked and Afraid,"
except you're wearing a cardigan
and there's a Jamba Juice at the student union.
I even take a blow-up pillow
so I can relax on the cement bench
by the fountain between classes.
If I leave my hat on the ground,
people put money in it.
I'm a commuter student too.
But sometimes when I have a long day on campus,
my friends with dorm rooms let me crash there.
Well, not "let me"
insomuch they're not strong enough to move me.
Come on, it's not that bad, right?
You're on campus.
You got great classes.
You're making money with your little hat.
No, it's fine.
Well, I mean, if it's not, then talk to me.
I wasn't complaining, Mom.
I'm just trying to get out the door.
Oh, you better not complain.
Yesterday I tattooed teardrops on a guy who kept saying,
"Can't you go any faster?"
as the sirens got louder.
- Hi. - Hi.
Oh, wow.
Is he--is he going to school or backpacking across Europe?
Now, no Conner has ever seen Europe,
and it's probably not gonna happen
until we can get there in an old pickup truck.
I knew I'd find you here.
I could smell the bacon walking up the driveway.
I'm not here for the bacon.
I'm here to spend time with my family.
My crunchy applewood-smoked family.
Hey, what are you doing here?
I need to vent.
I'm trying to put everything in order
for Harris to start taking over The Lunch Box,
but the paperwork, it's crazy.
Business license, food handler license,
liquor permit.
You have no idea what the man
puts us small business owners through.
Oh, I do. I run my own hardware store.
I have my own drywall business.
Yeah, I used to manage Casita Bonita.
I ran an Orange Julius in Minnesota.
Sometimes, it's OK to just listen.
So is anyone interested--
Nope.
Wait till I ask.
Is anyone interested
in coming to Beverly Rose's school--
all: No.
Oh, come on. Doesn't anyone want to help
make a difference in a young person's life?
all: No. - Hell no.
Oh, I need someone in our family
who has musical ability to come teach in Beverly Rose's class.
They have no arts budget,
and these kids need music in their lives.
Well, I play piano.
They had to sell the piano
to fund 30 minutes of PE a month.
The first class was the kids carrying out the piano.
I can teach the kids how to play the harmonica.
It's fun passing one around with your friends,
if you don't mind trench mouth.
How about you, Louise?
You play guitar, you sing, and you don't have a disease
from a Ken Burns documentary.
You know, actually, I'd love to.
I was just talking to Dan about how I want to teach music
now that I'm off the road.
So we're just moving on
without seeing what I might have to offer?
Oh, I'm sorry, Jackie.
I didn't know you had any talent.
Ouch!
I played a hell of a tambourine in a jam band
right after high school.
Tambourine is not a real instrument.
Bands let the girl they want to sleep with play tambourine
so she won't leave.
Maybe that's why they took
all the little metal things out of it.
Those bad boys.
[laughs]
They just wanted to see this hot thing shake it.
[bluesy rock music]
♪ ♪
"The Conners" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
all: ♪ It's the hammer of justice ♪
♪ It's the bell of freedom ♪
♪ It's a song about love ♪
♪ Between my brothers and my sisters ♪
♪ All over this land ♪
One more, everybody except Becky.
all: ♪ All over this land ♪
[applause]
Oh, that was great, everybody.
Becky, can you hand out the lyrics to the next song?
The kids are so into it.
This is the longest Walter has gone
without stabbing anybody with a pencil.
Oh, this is Ms. Ainsworth, the principal.
I would love to talk to you about an idea I have
for a part-time music program.
I could do it a few days a week.
It would cost you next to nothing.
How next to nothing would you be,
right next to it or practically on it?
Gas money.
Pay for my lunch.
Printer paper could go missing now and again.
Deal.
OK, what you have in front of you
are the lyrics to a really fun song
called "Dancing Queen."
OK.
Let's hand back all of these pages.
Don't even look at them.
I accidentally looked at mine.
What's going to happen to me?
You're going to be fine, Albert.
We're just going to let the next class come in.
And all of you are going to have an early recess.
Class dismissed.
What's wrong with this song?
We dance to at home.
I don't know, honey.
But why don't you go comfort Albert?
And remember, don't turn your back on Walter.
What's going on?
Look, we would love to have more music for the kids,
but this song is about a queen, and some of the parents
are going to interpret that to be about gender identity.
And then it's going to become a thing.
This is crazy.
I'm a parent, and I don't think
this song is about a drag queen.
And I wouldn't have any problem if it was.
Me neither.
But these kids are going to go home
and tell their parents that they sang a song
about a dancing queen.
The parents are gonna go to the school board.
And then pretty soon, I'm looking
for a new dental plan under Obamacare.
If you want your program approved by the school board,
I'd get ahead of this.
Submit an apology.
God, they're just songs about different kinds of people.
Whatever happened to the love
between our brothers and our sisters?
Apparently, they can have all the love they want,
as long as the brothers aren't wearing the sisters' dresses.
Sorry I'm late.
I had to take out the trash.
This was a lunch date, so thanks for inviting my dad.
Well, I had to buy him lunch.
I lost a bet.
Overestimated how many corn nuts
I could fit in my mouth.
I knew I'd feel weird being back in a school cafeteria
without being high.
So I brought a beer.
Oh, well, good for you engaging in self care.
You do know that you can't drink in here, right?
This ain't my first rodeo.
Ah!
You'll get that back after class.
So I just saw Mark
coming out of the school psychologist's office.
Do you think I should be worried about that?
I mean, this is the danger of working
where your kid goes to school, right?
You're going to see some stuff,
and you're going to just have to pretend like you didn't.
I just get the feeling that something's bothering him.
And we used to talk about everything,
and he's being so distant from me lately.
Maybe he just wants to be more independent.
He's 18.
When I was his age, I was married,
working, paying bills, and drinking beer,
which I'd like to do now.
Nope.
But what if he's going through something, like, really big?
Or worse, what if it's something that I did?
Honey, you're a great mom.
I can't see where he'd have any complaints.
That's something I never worry about
because I know your mom and I did a good job as parents.
Oh, my God, am I that delusional?
What's up?
I'm matching up lids and bowls.
Helps me think.
They're all different sizes,
so I have to try every lid on every container
to find the right bowl.
Well, shouldn't be too hard.
We don't clean the dishes that well.
Just match up the lids and bowls that smell the same.
It's lid matchup day?
Why didn't you call me? I love this.
Louise, stop.
Never, ever...
use opaque lids on transparent containers.
These are for perishables only
so you can see if something is spoiled.
I don't want to overstate,
but I may have just saved a life.
You know, I'd really rather just do this by myself.
Ooh, lid day!
I'm in.
I'm actually here to apologize
for what happened at school the other day.
What's up?
Oh, I was going to sing an ABBA song,
and then the principal stopped me
because she thought that the parents
would find it inappropriate.
Wait a second.
Last time I looked-- yep, it's still America.
We don't ban music
just because we disagree with the message.
This calls for action.
Louise, I'm going to need a piece of paper.
I'm going to need a pen.
I'm going to need a very large rubber band.
And I'm going to need a brick.
You need to calm down.
They're not going to listen to me.
I don't even have a kid there.
I am going to apologize to the school board
and then just let Becky deal with it.
It's her fight.
I saw the group text say it's lid day.
So I grabbed these that don't belong
to anything at our house.
Not a good time, Mark.
We're right in the middle of something here.
We're talking about music being banned
at Beverly Rose's school.
They wouldn't let Louise sing "Dancing Queen."
Have you heard all the other songs
the school board's been asked to ban?
John Lennon's "Imagine"? Come on.
It has the lyric about imagining no religion.
"Lola"?
She's transgender.
"Billie Jean"?
Could be the illegitimate kid.
Or--or just Michael Jackson in general.
"Rainbow Connection." "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."
"Rainbowland."
Yep, no rainbows.
That's just openly anti-gay.
Or anti-leprechaun.
Either way, it's just wrong.
This--this is horrible.
I mean, what if I'd been a kid in that room?
What if some of these kids have gay parents?
What kind of message is that?
I guess my brick idea's not looking so crazy now.
What are you going to do?
Well, you know I support you.
But the music program is really important.
Music totally changed my life,
and those kids deserve the same chance.
I don't know, maybe I'll slip in
a rainbow song later on.
But right now, I'm not making waves.
OK.
Well, Becky, if you want to fight this, I'm in.
Somebody's got to.
I understand that this isn't your problem,
but I thought you were more of a badass than that.
Way to ruin lid day.
[bluesy harmonica music]
Hi. I'm Darlene.
I work in the cafeteria.
You are the school psychologist, right?
Yes. Carla Rogers.
Is it OK if I sit with you?
Promise not to trauma dump.
Everyone says that, and they do it anyway.
Have a seat.
So my son goes to school here.
His name is Mark Conner-Healy.
Do you know him?
I can't say one way or the other.
Of course you can. I mean, we're both
university employees, colleagues.
If you think about it, we both kind of have the same job.
We stir things up until something disturbing
comes to the surface.
I've taken an oath that says I can't divulge anything.
Yeah, I've taken an oath too, you know, as a food server.
But if you came to me and you wanted to know
what was in the chili, I would tell you.
I think I know. That's why I bring my own food.
You'll have to talk to your son.
OK.
How about I say why I think he came to you,
and if I get it right, then you take a bite
of one of those carrots you've organized so beautifully.
My son is not in danger, right?
Oh, good.
That is the most important thing.
OK.
Is he struggling with his self-confidence
in a new environment because his father abandoned him
at such a vulnerable point in his life,
even though his mother was heroically supporting him
through such a difficult time?
Yes! Oh, that makes so much sense.
You know, as a mom, you worry that it's something you did.
Wait, is it something that I did?
Wait, you're just eating carrots, aren't you?
You're messing with me.
Is that in your Hippocratic Oath?
Oh, your little world's not so tidy now, is it?
I'm free Wednesdays at 2:00.
How about 4:00? That's when I get off.
Is Mark home?
No, he should be here any minute.
Oh, but hang on.
Now, you know you can't ask him about going to therapy.
Well, I'd like to respect his privacy.
That's why I tried to shake down his psychologist.
But that carrot-eating witch wouldn't crack.
I guess we'll get into it when I see her next week
at my session.
Hey.
How was school?
OK. I was kind of tired.
You seem a little down.
Is that because of the depression
I might have given you either through genes
or my well-intentioned parenting?
What? No.
I just haven't been sleeping that well.
You're lying up awake thinking about how I drove
your father away, and it's left you
without the ability to form long, trusting relationships
with other people?
What's going on?
Have you been listening to an audiobook?
No.
All right, look, I saw you coming out of the school
psychologist's office.
And I know it was wrong, but I tried to talk to her.
I mean, she wouldn't tell me anything--
You did what?
Didn't we agree that if I went to school where you work,
that you weren't going to interfere in my personal life?
Yeah, but I didn't sign anything.
Look, you always came to me when you had a problem,
and now you barely talk to me.
I need to know if you're OK. - I'm OK.
I just want to live my own life.
All right. I get it. I crossed a line.
I'm sorry. I don't need to know.
I also don't need to eat, and I don't need to sleep.
And then someday when I'm gone,
you can just whisper it to my grave.
Fine.
I went to the psychologist
because I'm having trouble making friends.
And I don't even feel like I'm at a university
because I'm a commuter student.
I couldn't wait to get to college,
and now it feels like a job.
Why couldn't you talk to me about that?
Because you've sacrificed so much.
We obviously can't afford for me to move into the dorm,
and I don't want to seem like an ungrateful jerk.
Well, no, I would never think that.
But is it really that bad being a commuter student?
Yeah. Everybody's making friends
'cause they're hanging out in their dorms after classes.
And there's all this cool stuff in the evening
like theater and trivia.
And I can't join the LGBTQ alliance
because they only meet at night.
I don't even have time to be gay.
OK, how about you wake up earlier,
and then you get an hour of gay time for yourself.
Thanks for the tip, but I'll learn to live with it.
No, come on.
I mean, we've got to be able to come up
with something better than that.
Hey, I'm telling you, it's OK.
When it comes to dealing with being miserable,
I have a house full of role models.
I know we make it look easy, but don't beat yourself up
if you're not unhappy right away.
Just trust me.
It'll happen.
["Always Chasing Rainbows" playing]
♪ I'm always chasing ♪
♪ Rainbows ♪
What are you doing here?
I'd ask you the same.
But it's not subtle enough to need an explanation.
Like it, though.
I thought you'd be home working on your apology.
Or do you need a preapproved list of apologies
so you don't offend anybody?
I'm not apologizing.
You guys really kicked my ass, and I needed it.
It's easy to drop the ball
and let someone else pick it up.
I have never done that.
Not going to start now.
That's what lid day is all about!
Oh, it's a shame
the kids are going to lose their music program.
Eh, just until I'm elected to the school board.
- What? - Yeah, I'm going to run.
OK. Maybe you are still a badass.
You know, somebody has to be on that board
to push back when things don't make sense.
A Conner on the school board.
That's like an arsonist joining the fire department.
Who would've thunk?
Why are we walking through the dorm?
I know Aunt Becky just naps in random rooms.
It's charming when a woman does it,
but when a guy does it, you end up
on some kind of list.
Actually...
this room is yours.
What? But how?
We can't afford this.
Oh, jeez, did someone die in here?
Oh, look who suddenly needs a room that nobody died in.
I don't understand.
You wanted a dorm room, so congratulations.
You are now officially
the dorm's night janitor.
Is there a door number two on this very weird game show?
No.
But this is a good thing.
Being a student janitor, you get a dorm room,
you get a small salary for work study,
no more commuting,
and you're going to have all kinds of time to be gay.
Look, I know it's not perfect,
but it's the best thing I could come up with.
Well, you did get me a dorm room.
And I didn't specifically say, "Don't make me a janitor,"
so that's kind of on me.
And I'm sorry for getting involved,
but I just can't watch you be unhappy and not do something.
Is one of you the new night janitor?
It's him.
Not to brag, but I hooked him up.
You have keys to the service elevator, right?
- Probably. - Great.
I'm Caleb. I'm, like, two rooms down.
We have too many kegs to carry up to the roof.
We're having a party up there.
You should stop by. - Sure.
The shrink was wrong about you.
You aren't a total narcissist who is more worried
about absolving yourself of parental guilt
than solving my problems.
Oh, my God.
Kidding. I made that up.
Yeah, but you did it so fast.
How do you like your steak?
It's great. Thanks.
So what else is Darlene complaining about
in her sessions?
She's totally victimizing over you
not doing enough housework, even though it sounds like
you have your hands full with work,
school, and your daughter.
I do!
She doesn't think straightening up is housework,
but I think things look neater
when they're stacked in at right angles.
You're sure she's off today, right?
Yeah.
So she's resentful when I take time
to go to the gym, isn't she?
Yes.
She says it's OK for you to have Ben Time,
but she doesn't take Darlene Time.
Oh, I wish she would take Darlene Time
because let me tell you, that is Ben Time.
[child giggles]