1 00:00:01,168 --> 00:00:03,795 [bluesy harmonica music] 2 00:00:03,795 --> 00:00:06,340 - When the hell are the pizzas getting here? 3 00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:09,092 My stomach just growled at me like Cocaine Bear. 4 00:00:11,261 --> 00:00:14,348 - It might be my fault that they're taking forever. 5 00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:16,808 I ordered a vegan one with cauliflower crust 6 00:00:16,808 --> 00:00:18,352 and tapioca cheese. 7 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:20,270 And then for the meat, they got to use, 8 00:00:20,270 --> 00:00:22,064 like, a soy isolate. 9 00:00:22,064 --> 00:00:25,025 I don't know. 10 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:27,527 - As a veterinarian... - Ugh. 11 00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:30,239 - I appreciate your vegan values. 12 00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:34,201 But as a hungry man, I think you should always eat alone. 13 00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:36,662 - If I may paraphrase Nathan Hale, 14 00:00:36,662 --> 00:00:38,580 I may not agree with Darlene calling it a pizza, 15 00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:42,793 but I will defend with my life her right to eat that crap. 16 00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:45,796 - No, Nathan Hale said, 17 00:00:45,796 --> 00:00:49,216 "I regret that I have but one life to lose for my country." 18 00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:52,010 The "defend my life" thing was Rousseau. 19 00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:54,721 - Oh, Darlene. 20 00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:59,601 We are never so stupid as when we are trying to be smart. 21 00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:03,063 The "defend my life" quote is by Voltaire. 22 00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:06,400 - Oh, Becky. 23 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:08,277 We're never so stupid as when we're trying 24 00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:11,572 to prove somebody else stupid. 25 00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:14,408 It was Rousseau. 26 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:17,452 - No, no, Becky's right. It was Voltaire. 27 00:01:17,452 --> 00:01:18,912 And Becky is the winner 28 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,372 of "stupid stuff we don't care about 29 00:01:20,372 --> 00:01:22,624 "but interrupts 'The Golden Bachelor,' 30 00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:27,337 which we do care about because that old man deserves love." 31 00:01:27,337 --> 00:01:29,047 - Oh, big whoop, Becky got one thing right. 32 00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:31,008 Doesn't make her a genius. 33 00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:33,635 - Oh, the fact that I always got better grades than you 34 00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:36,096 and now I'm in college working toward my master's 35 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,598 is why you think I'm a genius. 36 00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:39,891 - Oh! - Ooh! 37 00:01:39,891 --> 00:01:42,894 - It's fine. She can do her sad little victory lap later 38 00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:44,438 in the room that I rent her. 39 00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:48,650 - Oh-ho! Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! [Jackie laughs] 40 00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:50,277 - I'm still kind of new to the family. 41 00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:52,154 Should I have ooh'd? - Uh, depends. 42 00:01:52,154 --> 00:01:56,366 You want to be part of the family or some outsider weirdo? 43 00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:59,369 - Darlene, I can't tell if you're green with envy 44 00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:01,747 or the lead in an elementary-school version 45 00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:04,333 of "Wicked." 46 00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:06,501 - You think I'm jealous of you because you were 47 00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:10,881 an honor student 30 years ago? 48 00:02:10,881 --> 00:02:14,593 I read, I watch documentaries, I listen to podcasts 49 00:02:14,593 --> 00:02:16,720 and not just the ones I agree with. 50 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:19,765 I also choke down the horrible ones so I can make fun of them 51 00:02:19,765 --> 00:02:23,101 with veracity. 52 00:02:23,101 --> 00:02:27,522 "Veracity." Big word. Look it up. 53 00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:30,442 - Well, that was a completely normal reaction. 54 00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:32,944 Good luck with that later. 55 00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:34,988 - Ah, sometimes she brings the angry to bed, 56 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,948 which I don't mind. 57 00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,827 Better than when she brings the sad. 58 00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:43,955 [door closes] 59 00:02:43,955 --> 00:02:45,749 - What's everybody doing over here? 60 00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:48,293 - Waiting for pizzas and trying not to visualize 61 00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:51,546 that thing that Ben just said. 62 00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:54,257 - Dan, what's that? - What's what? 63 00:02:54,257 --> 00:02:56,009 - Is that a reflective vest? 64 00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:58,053 I'd ask if you're a crossing guard, 65 00:02:58,053 --> 00:03:00,597 but I've seen you lay on the horn to scatter kids 66 00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:03,934 as you blow through a school zone. 67 00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:05,852 - Oh, my God. 68 00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:10,190 That was you I saw on the side of the road picking up trash. 69 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,776 - Are you doing community service? 70 00:03:12,776 --> 00:03:14,861 - Community service? 71 00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:16,822 You're the one who defaced the sign 72 00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:20,325 to make it say "Welcome to Lan-Turd." 73 00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:24,371 - This isn't for the DUI you took for me, is it? 74 00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:27,541 I gave you 500 bucks for a lawyer to get you out of that. 75 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:30,293 - Something came up, and I needed the money. 76 00:03:30,293 --> 00:03:33,004 - Something more important than your DUI? 77 00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:35,674 - [sighs] It's none of your business, Neville. 78 00:03:35,674 --> 00:03:39,052 And I'm paying the price for it, case closed. 79 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:42,055 - Well, usually when you give people money 80 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,640 for something specific, 81 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,601 you just want to know that that's what they spent it on. 82 00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,979 But I guess you don't mind a little sleight of hand. 83 00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:50,522 - You call me a grifter again, 84 00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:52,357 we're going to have a big problem. 85 00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:54,317 - Oh, look, everybody in the hot tub 86 00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:58,029 is fishing around with their feet for somebody's dentures. 87 00:03:58,029 --> 00:04:00,699 - I'm not calling you a grifter this time, Dan, 88 00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:02,576 but you did lie to me. 89 00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,703 - You call me a liar in my own house, those people on TV 90 00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:06,705 won't be the only ones looking for their teeth. 91 00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:09,082 - [scoffs] 92 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,751 And now you're threatening me. That's it. I'm out. 93 00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:13,712 - Oh, come on, Neville. 94 00:04:13,712 --> 00:04:16,089 Hey, take a breath, man! We just ordered pizza. 95 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,549 - Oh, sorry, you're right. 96 00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:19,134 I haven't paid for my share of it yet. 97 00:04:19,134 --> 00:04:21,178 Um, here you go. 98 00:04:22,471 --> 00:04:23,764 There you go. 99 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,640 I just paid for it in Dan bucks. 100 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:28,435 - Okay, well, everybody, it's been a lovely evening, 101 00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,937 but we really got to run. 102 00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:33,899 No, seriously, we have to run. 103 00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:36,902 [bluesy rock music] 104 00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:43,950 ♪ ♪ 105 00:04:55,587 --> 00:04:57,130 - "The Conners" is recorded 106 00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:58,757 in front of a live studio audience. 107 00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:00,008 - What are you doing here? 108 00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:01,968 - I'm letting Harris run The Lunch Box today. 109 00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:04,054 The Red Hat Ladies started meeting there, 110 00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:05,639 and they're trying to recruit me, 111 00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,432 and it's all about positivity and friendship and fun. 112 00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:11,436 And I thought, mm, what's the kryptonite to that? 113 00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:14,022 Darlene. 114 00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:16,525 - Well, I don't care for friendship and fun, 115 00:05:16,525 --> 00:05:19,528 and I won't stand for it. 116 00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:22,781 - Hi, Mom and Aunt Jackie, for some reason. 117 00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:27,244 Mom, this is Cash and London. - Oh. 118 00:05:27,244 --> 00:05:29,412 Sounds like a Guy Ritchie movie. 119 00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:31,498 - It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Conner. 120 00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,667 - Thank you for preparing all this great food for us. 121 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,794 - Oh, please, call me Darlene. 122 00:05:35,794 --> 00:05:38,129 And it's nice to meet you guys, too, even if you are lying. 123 00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:39,714 [laughter] 124 00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:41,800 - Okay, I guess we all know the food is pretty bad. 125 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:45,011 Even the stoners say this stuff will kill you. 126 00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:47,472 - Well, we do have banana-berry smoothies now, 127 00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,266 if you guys would like something a little healthier. 128 00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:52,394 - Actually, Darlene, it's not really healthier. 129 00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:54,646 We learned in biochemistry that the benefits 130 00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:56,231 of the polyphenols in the berries 131 00:05:56,231 --> 00:05:58,942 are mitigated-- you know, lessened-- 132 00:05:58,942 --> 00:06:02,779 by the enzymes in the banana. 133 00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:07,033 - Well, Cash, all of the benefits are mitigated-- 134 00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,660 you know, lessened-- 135 00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:11,329 by the scoop of preservative-filled ice cream 136 00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:13,540 that we dump in there. 137 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,834 - Oh, I just thought you might want to know. 138 00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:17,544 Now you can share my little food fact with people 139 00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:19,379 and sound smart. 140 00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:24,426 - Wow. 141 00:06:24,426 --> 00:06:27,304 - Uh, you know what they might find interesting? 142 00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:30,390 A few blows to the head with this tray. 143 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,559 - No, don't kill them. 144 00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:34,436 - Oh, don't kill them? - No, no, no, no, no. 145 00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:36,313 - Don't. Okay. - No. 146 00:06:36,313 --> 00:06:38,106 - No, I-I just started hanging out with them. 147 00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:39,566 They didn't mean anything by it. 148 00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,776 - Yes, they did. They're assuming that I'm uneducated 149 00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:44,195 because I'm serving food back here with an apron on. 150 00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:45,572 It it's so classist. 151 00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:47,782 I mean, I went to college. I was a magazine writer. 152 00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:49,451 I know stuff. 153 00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:52,912 God, what is it with everybody? Do I look stupid? 154 00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:58,209 That wasn't rhetorical. 155 00:06:58,209 --> 00:07:00,545 - Okay, look, my friends are being jerks. 156 00:07:00,545 --> 00:07:02,380 I'll go talk to them. But please don't hurt them. 157 00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:03,965 We need them for trivia tonight. 158 00:07:03,965 --> 00:07:06,551 - Hey. Where do you guys play trivia? 159 00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:09,220 - At The All Nighter. It's a college hangout bar. 160 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:12,390 And, no, absolutely not. - You know what? 161 00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:14,434 Maybe I don't need you to talk to your friends. 162 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:18,146 - Oh, God, it's in slow motion, and I can't stop it. 163 00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:20,440 - I'm going to this trivia night, 164 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,941 and I'm going to crush their little brains 165 00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:23,818 with my superior knowledge. 166 00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:25,695 - And then you hit them with this. 167 00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:30,200 Oh, don't kill them. 168 00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:35,121 Oh, thanks for swinging by the wholesaler. 169 00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:36,998 I was desperate for new cutlery. 170 00:07:36,998 --> 00:07:38,750 - Yeah, you got it, hon. 171 00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,752 - Yeah, I was down a few forks because the customers 172 00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:43,129 keep bending the tines in the rib eye. 173 00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:45,548 That new cook is grilling them too long. 174 00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:48,843 But I guess they like them tougher in prison 175 00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:51,763 than we do on the outside. 176 00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:53,932 So can I make you something to eat? 177 00:07:53,932 --> 00:07:56,393 - Uh, no, no. I'll--I'll see you at home. 178 00:07:56,393 --> 00:07:58,687 - Why? What's the matter? 179 00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:01,398 - Honestly, I don't want to run into Dan. 180 00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:03,191 - Oh, you're still mad about the money? 181 00:08:03,191 --> 00:08:05,485 - Jackie, he took what I gave him 182 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:08,071 and didn't use it for what he said he would--not cool. 183 00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:09,739 - Okay, so he said he was going to use 184 00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:11,950 the money for one thing and used it for something else. 185 00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:14,703 It's Chicago. We vote for people like that. 186 00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:17,747 - Well, I don't give anyone a break for lying, 187 00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:19,124 not even family. 188 00:08:19,124 --> 00:08:20,875 I learned that from my father. 189 00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:22,377 - I thought you always told me 190 00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:24,254 your father was never around to teach you anything. 191 00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:25,964 - Well, he taught me by example. 192 00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:28,591 He lied when he missed my tap-dancing recital, 193 00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:32,220 my blue-ribbon hog at the 4-H Pork-A-Palooza, 194 00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:35,181 my winning yodel at Oktoberfest... 195 00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:36,933 - No, I know, it was bad. It's bad. 196 00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:39,060 Because a boy like that needs a dad around 197 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:41,896 to teach him how to defend himself. 198 00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:45,191 - I just--I can't stand being around liars, Jackie. 199 00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:47,485 Spend as much time with your family as you want, 200 00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:49,529 but Dan is not welcome at our place. 201 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,740 And I am never going over to his. 202 00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:52,991 I am done with him. 203 00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:56,244 - You know, when I told you 204 00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,496 I wanted you to be more assertive, 205 00:08:58,496 --> 00:09:02,876 that was only supposed to be when you agree with me! 206 00:09:06,838 --> 00:09:09,090 [bluesy harmonica music] 207 00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:11,968 - The super-intense lady over there ordered you guys 208 00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:14,095 a round of Shirley Temples. 209 00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:20,560 - See, now we're in their heads... 210 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,562 - Mm. - Reminding them 211 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:26,316 they're only children about to run into a trivia buzzsaw. 212 00:09:26,316 --> 00:09:29,319 - Sometimes I can't believe 213 00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:31,905 that you're a mom. 214 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,032 - Hey, everyone, thanks for coming 215 00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:36,284 to Trivia Night at The All Nighter. 216 00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:37,869 [cheers and applause] 217 00:09:37,869 --> 00:09:41,122 Just a reminder--we play "Jeopardy!"-style rules. 218 00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:43,333 The team that answers correctly gets first crack 219 00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:44,918 to answer the next question. 220 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,377 - Okay, let's do a warm-up drill. 221 00:09:46,377 --> 00:09:49,130 Ask me any question. - Okay. 222 00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:52,550 Uh, what's your sister doing here? 223 00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:54,469 - Okay. 224 00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:58,473 What is "the first line of dialogue in most porn movies"? 225 00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:04,562 - That's right, but that's not what I meant. 226 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:09,567 - Becky, why are you here? - Oh. 227 00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:12,987 My friends and I come here on Thursdays after class. 228 00:10:12,987 --> 00:10:15,865 Oh, friends are people who enjoy spending time with you. 229 00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:18,159 What are you doing here? 230 00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:21,079 - Reminding Mark's little pals that there's a brain 231 00:10:21,079 --> 00:10:23,998 underneath the hairnet that serves them lunch. 232 00:10:23,998 --> 00:10:26,042 - Oh, it's going to be pretty embarrassing 233 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:29,462 when that brain loses in trivia to its superior sister brain. 234 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,297 - No way. 235 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:34,217 I'm going to drown you all in my tsunami of brilliance. 236 00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:37,762 - Sorry, sis. You're Toast Malone. 237 00:10:37,762 --> 00:10:41,724 - Uh, just so you know, I'll be cheering for Darlene, 238 00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:44,561 but inside, I think... 239 00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,312 this is sad for everyone. 240 00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:50,775 [bluesy harmonica music] 241 00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:54,362 - So, hey, thanks again for stopping by to fix the stools. 242 00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:56,406 They've gotten pretty loose. 243 00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:59,492 When you serve booze, you have to know who to cut off, 244 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:01,411 and that's hard when everybody's wobbling 245 00:11:01,411 --> 00:11:02,912 like Weebles. 246 00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:05,039 - You know... 247 00:11:05,039 --> 00:11:07,667 quite a coincidence that all these screws were loose 248 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,627 by exactly two turns. 249 00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:12,380 When's Neville getting here? - Neville? Who's Neville? 250 00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:13,756 Oh, right, Neville. 251 00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:17,635 Yeah, he should be here any second, 252 00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:21,431 but just to pick me up after work, like he always does. 253 00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:24,225 - So he's also a pawn in this little game of yours? 254 00:11:24,225 --> 00:11:27,604 - Please, just go with it. 255 00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:28,646 - Hey. 256 00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:30,148 Ugh. 257 00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:31,649 I should have known something was up 258 00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:33,151 when you said if I came in, 259 00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:35,778 you'd have a sexy surprise for me. 260 00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:38,072 - And here I am. 261 00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:40,617 And I'm leaving. - No, I'm leaving. 262 00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,994 I'm the one who's mad, and I want to slam the door. 263 00:11:42,994 --> 00:11:44,162 - Nev--Neville. 264 00:11:44,162 --> 00:11:46,998 Jeez, please, talk to him. 265 00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:49,584 You're the two most important men in my life. 266 00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:51,586 - You always said that was me and Paul Dano. 267 00:11:51,586 --> 00:11:53,254 - Honey. 268 00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:55,381 Dan's not your dad, okay? 269 00:11:55,381 --> 00:11:57,759 I just really need you to work this out. 270 00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:00,178 - All right. Fine. 271 00:12:03,848 --> 00:12:05,475 - Are we just going to stand here 272 00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:07,477 and stare at each other all night? 273 00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:09,938 - Why did you lie to me about what you did with the money? 274 00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:12,899 - I did something stupid. Now I have to make good on it. 275 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:15,652 - So you ran into a problem. 276 00:12:15,652 --> 00:12:17,862 Why didn't you take me aside and tell me? 277 00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:21,491 - What's the point? I'm clearly a con man. 278 00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:24,744 For the last 50 years, I've lain in wait 279 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,496 for Jackie to marry a doctor 280 00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:29,749 just so I could swindle him out of $500. 281 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,001 But I wasn't counting on the likes of you! 282 00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:38,466 - All right, everyone, just a quick score update for you-- 283 00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:41,302 "Laurence O-triv-ier" is out. 284 00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:44,681 So in first place, we have team "Alex TreBecky"... 285 00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:46,933 - Yeah! 286 00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:50,228 - Followed by "Hold me Closer, Tiny Answer." 287 00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:52,313 [both grunt] 288 00:12:52,313 --> 00:12:55,525 - "Mark Spitz Facts," this question is to you. 289 00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:57,902 "Plutophobia is the fear of what?" 290 00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:02,282 - Uh... 291 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:06,244 plutophobia is the fear of Pluto. 292 00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:08,204 Is it a planet? Is it an asteroid? 293 00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:09,789 Is it a cartoon dog? 294 00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:12,125 Nobody knows, and they're afraid of it. 295 00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,210 - I'm sorry, that's incorrect. 296 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:16,671 Oh, the question goes to "Hold Me Closer, Tiny Answer." 297 00:13:16,671 --> 00:13:20,091 - Plutophobia is the fear of having money, 298 00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:23,261 the one mental disorder missing in my family. 299 00:13:23,261 --> 00:13:25,388 - That is correct. 300 00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:28,891 - Yes! [both grunting] 301 00:13:30,351 --> 00:13:32,312 - And with that question, 302 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:34,314 "Alex TreBecky" and "Tiny Answer" 303 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:37,734 are tied for the top score, which means it's sudden death. 304 00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:39,318 - Well, you're gone. 305 00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:41,446 And you're as good as dead. 306 00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:43,573 But don't worry-- I'll visit your grave. 307 00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:47,535 "Beloved mother, sister, trivia loser." 308 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:50,580 - Yours will just say, "Finally." 309 00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:53,499 - Okay, "Tiny Answer," this is for the game. 310 00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:55,793 "What is the name of the daughter 311 00:13:55,793 --> 00:14:00,882 in a popular TV comedy who is known for being a vegan?" 312 00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:04,635 - Oh. Oh, I know this. I know this. 313 00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:06,387 Come on. - [groans] 314 00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:07,889 - I know this! - I know! 315 00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:10,058 God, it sounds so familiar. 316 00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,684 - Ten seconds. 317 00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,519 Okay, she lives in a working-class town. 318 00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:15,605 She's got that mom with the funny voice 319 00:14:15,605 --> 00:14:17,148 and the dad who drinks a lot of beer. 320 00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:18,357 - Five seconds. 321 00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:21,069 - Oh, my God, it's on the tip of my tongue. 322 00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:23,404 - Oh, I'm so sorry. You're out of time. 323 00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:25,865 Oh, the question goes to "Alex TreBecky." 324 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,659 - Buh-bye. 325 00:14:28,659 --> 00:14:32,580 The answer is that mystery-solving vegan, Velma, 326 00:14:32,580 --> 00:14:33,831 from Scooby-Doo. 327 00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:36,751 - Ruh-roh. 328 00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:40,463 The correct answer is Lisa Simpson. 329 00:14:40,463 --> 00:14:42,381 - That guess was more embarrassing 330 00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:44,425 than not getting it at all. 331 00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:47,428 - God, you're so jealous of me, it's humiliating. 332 00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:50,807 - No, what's humiliating is being a 48-year-old woman 333 00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:52,600 at a college trivia night. 334 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:56,104 - Oh, honey, you're going to regret that one. 335 00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:58,356 - No, what's humiliating is trying to beat 336 00:14:58,356 --> 00:14:59,941 your son's friends at a college trivia night. 337 00:14:59,941 --> 00:15:02,610 - Screw you! - Oh! Oh! 338 00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:04,737 Where are you? I can't see you because I'm-- 339 00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,739 I'm blinded by your wit! 340 00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:08,741 - Okay, this is a friendly game. 341 00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:10,409 You need to leave. - Yeah, you hear that? 342 00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:12,161 You should leave. Go. - He's talking to you! 343 00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:13,746 - Bye! - He's talking to you! 344 00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:15,206 - Bye! - You! 345 00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:16,749 - Bye! - You! 346 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,709 - Both of you! 347 00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:21,879 Now. - You. 348 00:15:21,879 --> 00:15:23,923 - [sighs] I'm right behind you. 349 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,466 Just got to pay the bill 350 00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:27,218 and explain how the Buffalo wing sauce 351 00:15:27,218 --> 00:15:29,011 interacted with your medication. 352 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:34,058 - What the hell is wrong with you? 353 00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:35,476 - There is nothing wrong with me. 354 00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:37,061 You're just being a jerk lately. 355 00:15:37,061 --> 00:15:39,730 - You always think I'm a jerk, so what's different now? 356 00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:42,400 - Lately, everybody's treating me like I'm a dummy. 357 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,443 Even Mark's friends are talking down to me. 358 00:15:44,443 --> 00:15:45,945 And you never miss an opportunity 359 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,280 to make fun of my job. 360 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,198 - I never said anything bad about your job. 361 00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:50,992 I know why you're doing it. - Oh, whatever. 362 00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:52,577 I'm sure you say it behind my back. 363 00:15:52,577 --> 00:15:55,580 - If I'm gonna slam you, I'm gonna do it to your face. 364 00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:57,832 I want to see that little flash of hurt. 365 00:15:57,832 --> 00:16:00,626 It's like whipped cream on top of a brownie. 366 00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:04,589 - It wasn't supposed to be this way. 367 00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:06,757 You know, your life wasn't supposed to be getting better 368 00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:08,342 while mine was getting worse. 369 00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:10,511 - You got to be kidding me. 370 00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:14,682 I spent so much time screwing up my life, 371 00:16:14,682 --> 00:16:17,185 it took me forever to get here. 372 00:16:17,185 --> 00:16:21,355 I was kind of hoping that you'd just be happy for me. 373 00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:23,065 - Well, I was kind of hoping that, too. 374 00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:24,984 It would make me a much better person. 375 00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:31,824 - Look, this is hard for me to admit... 376 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:35,244 but the only reason I'm doing so well is because of you. 377 00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:37,747 You convinced me to go back to school. 378 00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:41,042 You gave me and Beverly Rose a place to live. 379 00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:44,337 My successes are your successes. 380 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:48,257 - Does that mean my failures are also your failures? 381 00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:52,720 - You have so little, why don't you keep those for yourself? 382 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,306 You knew you would be way overqualified for your job, 383 00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:58,226 but that doesn't make you a less intelligent person. 384 00:16:58,226 --> 00:17:00,311 - Yeah, but I just don't feel sharp. 385 00:17:00,311 --> 00:17:03,272 I mean, Voltaire, Rousseau-- I used to know all that stuff. 386 00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:05,399 Now I'm on autopilot every day, 387 00:17:05,399 --> 00:17:07,652 and I'm just not being challenged right now. 388 00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:09,862 - You know, you need to find other ways 389 00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,572 to engage your mind. 390 00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:14,742 A lot of people your age, they like the Jumble. 391 00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,746 [knock at door] 392 00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:27,088 - Before you slam the door in my face, 393 00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:30,841 I'm sorry I got so mad. 394 00:17:30,841 --> 00:17:33,261 You're being all vague about something 395 00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:34,720 that you think I can't understand, 396 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,389 but I don't understand what it is 397 00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:39,016 I'm not supposed to be understanding. 398 00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:41,686 - If you're going to babble a bunch of nonsense, 399 00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:44,313 have the decency to do it a little drunk. 400 00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:46,190 Come on in. 401 00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:47,483 I'll get your beer. 402 00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:52,363 - Oh, hey, Crystal. 403 00:17:52,363 --> 00:17:54,532 I had no idea you were still up. 404 00:17:54,532 --> 00:17:57,243 - Oh, uh, Dan, I didn't know you had company. 405 00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:58,661 We can talk another time. 406 00:17:58,661 --> 00:18:01,455 - Wait, I know you. I've seen pictures. 407 00:18:01,455 --> 00:18:04,458 You're Jackie's husband, Neville. 408 00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,711 - Neville, this is Crystal, my dad's widow. 409 00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:08,713 - I've heard so much about you. 410 00:18:08,713 --> 00:18:11,340 Aren't you also Dan's wife's brother? 411 00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:13,134 - Yes, I am. 412 00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:16,554 - You guys don't fish in too many different ponds, do you? 413 00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:20,683 - She just got out of the hospital. 414 00:18:20,683 --> 00:18:22,184 She's going to stay with us for a couple of weeks. 415 00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:24,145 We don't want to keep you up, Crystal. 416 00:18:24,145 --> 00:18:26,981 - No, I'm feeling better, thanks to you. 417 00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:28,983 Dan's the only good thing 418 00:18:28,983 --> 00:18:32,820 my worthless bastard of a husband ever gave me. 419 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:35,990 Dan coming up with the money to help me pay my medical bills 420 00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:38,075 was a lifesaver. 421 00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:42,913 - [sighs] It's no big deal, Crystal. 422 00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:45,499 I think it's time for you to go to bed. 423 00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:47,293 - Nice to meet you, Neville. 424 00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:50,254 They gave me a gummy for my pain, 425 00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:53,341 and I'm starting to hear colors. 426 00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:00,931 - [sighs] 427 00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:03,517 - Well, the further I get into this family, 428 00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:05,644 the more questions I have. 429 00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:09,732 - That's what she didn't want me to tell anybody about. 430 00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:13,235 But apparently Earl Grey and a gummy changed her mind. 431 00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:19,533 I used the 500 to buy her heart medicine. 432 00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:23,037 She was embarrassed to be taking a handout. 433 00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:25,331 - That is very generous, Dan, 434 00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:27,375 but I would have understood that. 435 00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:29,335 - When she was married to my dad, 436 00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:31,796 she noticed her ankles started swelling. 437 00:19:31,796 --> 00:19:36,300 And my dad didn't want to pay for a bunch of expensive tests, 438 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:39,387 so he convinced her all she needed was diuretics. 439 00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:41,305 - Wow. He did that to his own wife? 440 00:19:41,305 --> 00:19:43,599 - He was always trying to beat the system. 441 00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:46,894 He talked me into getting them from my doctor, 442 00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:48,938 and like a fool, I went along with it, 443 00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:50,648 and she never got tested. 444 00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:52,692 - What was actually wrong with her? 445 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:55,486 - Congestive heart failure. 446 00:19:55,486 --> 00:19:57,696 Just found out about a year ago. 447 00:19:57,696 --> 00:20:00,074 And I carry some of the blame for that. 448 00:20:00,074 --> 00:20:03,619 - Oh, that's not on you, man. Your dad talked you into it. 449 00:20:03,619 --> 00:20:06,080 But I'm starting to understand 450 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:10,167 why the word "grifter" bothers you so much. 451 00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:13,379 Yeah, I had stuff with my dad, too. 452 00:20:13,379 --> 00:20:16,841 - Yeah, Louise told me he was a real piece of work. 453 00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:20,636 - Why do you think I give all my love to animals, hmm? 454 00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:23,097 A cow never lied to me about why he couldn't come 455 00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:25,641 to my yodeling competition. 456 00:20:25,641 --> 00:20:28,060 - You yodeled? 457 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,187 Boy, talk about stuff you don't want to tell people. 458 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:35,985 - You'd think at our age, we still wouldn't be dealing 459 00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:38,237 with daddy issues, you know? 460 00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:42,074 Thank God we have great partners who... 461 00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:44,243 you know, put up with our baggage. 462 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,078 - Here's to the men who ruined us 463 00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:48,581 and the women just damaged enough to want us. 464 00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:50,124 [bottles clink] 465 00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:56,589 all: Darlene! 466 00:20:59,216 --> 00:21:01,677 - What do you say to a beer, Darlene? 467 00:21:01,677 --> 00:21:04,138 - I'd say, bring your friend Tom Collins, 468 00:21:04,138 --> 00:21:06,182 'cause I'm in the mood for a throuple. 469 00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:09,894 - I got to ask you, Darlene, 470 00:21:09,894 --> 00:21:11,896 what do you get out of beating these kids 471 00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:14,315 at trivia every week. 472 00:21:14,315 --> 00:21:16,275 - Hmm, I'm not sure. 473 00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:19,487 Let me ask my friend. 474 00:21:19,487 --> 00:21:22,406 Oh, Mr. Collins would like to know 475 00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:24,158 why you're standing here yammering at me 476 00:21:24,158 --> 00:21:26,202 when you've got a game to start. 477 00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:29,038 [child giggles]