1
00:00:01,043 --> 00:00:04,254
[bluesy harmonica music]
2
00:00:04,254 --> 00:00:06,298
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
3
00:00:06,298 --> 00:00:08,342
Ben wants you to pay
these bills for the store
4
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:09,968
while he's at
the hardware convention.
5
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,475
None of these are overdue.
6
00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:21,313
Uh, hey, so what's
so new in hardware
7
00:00:21,313 --> 00:00:23,482
that Ben needs to go
to a convention every year?
8
00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:25,150
Doesn't he tell you
about all the cool stuff
9
00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:26,443
when he gets home?
- Yeah.
10
00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:28,445
But as soon as
he starts talking,
11
00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:32,032
I silently practice counting
in Spanish to myself.
12
00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:34,534
Once, I got up to ochocientos.
13
00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:38,038
He went there to try
to find some high-ticket items
14
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,791
to offset our sales slump.
15
00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:43,627
Oh, look at this.
16
00:00:43,627 --> 00:00:47,339
These smart toilets can
diagnose heart problems
17
00:00:47,339 --> 00:00:49,675
and alert 911 in an emergency.
18
00:00:51,843 --> 00:00:55,097
If Elvis had that toilet,
he'd be playing Vegas tonight.
19
00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:58,767
And this drill can post
whatever you're working on
20
00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:01,478
to Facebook in real time.
21
00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:03,522
I don't know why
anybody would want to,
22
00:01:03,522 --> 00:01:06,191
but I'm damned
excited about it.
23
00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:08,694
Will somebody please kill me?
24
00:01:08,694 --> 00:01:09,695
Oh, I'll do it.
25
00:01:09,695 --> 00:01:11,613
I'll do it.
26
00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:13,282
I've been running
all over town
27
00:01:13,282 --> 00:01:14,908
trying to find toys
I can afford
28
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,743
for Beverly Rose's birthday.
29
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,161
She doesn't like
any of those,
30
00:01:18,161 --> 00:01:20,914
I can get her a toilet
that calls 911.
31
00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:23,333
Maybe.
32
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:25,168
Can't be worse than
a tiny raccoon that says,
33
00:01:25,168 --> 00:01:27,087
"It's a girl."
34
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,839
The only thing that's
gonna save this birthday
35
00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:30,799
is making it a scavenger hunt.
36
00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:32,884
That's why
your mom and I did it.
37
00:01:32,884 --> 00:01:35,220
We hoped that
the big, fun birthday hunt
38
00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:36,930
would make you feel better
about getting socks
39
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:40,267
and a car wash jigsaw puzzle.
40
00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:41,393
Well, it worked.
41
00:01:41,393 --> 00:01:43,145
I still have warm memories
42
00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:44,938
of me sitting
in my toasty socks
43
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:47,107
with my puzzle of the guy
smoking a cigarette
44
00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:49,484
behind the wheel
of an Oldsmobile 88.
45
00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:53,655
I just feel bad
I can't afford
46
00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,907
to get her
anything nice this year.
47
00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:57,784
Oh, it's OK.
She's a little kid.
48
00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,536
She's gonna be happy
with whatever she gets.
49
00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:00,871
No.
50
00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:02,247
She's going
to birthday parties now,
51
00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:04,624
and she sees all the great toys
52
00:02:04,624 --> 00:02:06,877
that all of her
wealthier classmates get.
53
00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:10,255
Last week, she came back
and asked for a nanny.
54
00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:15,218
I hate when rich people send
their kids to public schools.
55
00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:17,387
They want their kids
to grow up "regular."
56
00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:21,391
But it just makes our kids
more motivated pickpockets.
57
00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:23,435
How about you let me
hide the toys,
58
00:02:23,435 --> 00:02:25,103
and you guys can all
search together?
59
00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:26,855
It'll be more fun for everyone.
60
00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:29,775
OK, but you gotta hide 'em
real well.
61
00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:32,235
I don't want it to be
too easy for her.
62
00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:35,405
She is academically
exceptional.
63
00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:37,115
So were you,
but you still haven't found
64
00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:39,201
a gift from the fifth grade.
65
00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:40,243
Let me give you a hint.
66
00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:42,746
It involves an Oldsmobile 88
67
00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:46,375
and maybe a dog driving it
in sunglasses.
68
00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:49,378
[bluesy harmonica music]
69
00:02:49,378 --> 00:02:50,837
Hey.
70
00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:52,714
I brought you some supper
from the Lunch Box.
71
00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:53,882
I figured with Ben gone,
72
00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,300
you might not have time
to run out.
73
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,844
Oh, you're a lifesaver.
I haven't eaten all day.
74
00:02:57,844 --> 00:03:01,056
Full disclosure,
that was on somebody's plate.
75
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:03,975
But his girlfriend was
breaking up with him
76
00:03:03,975 --> 00:03:05,435
before he had a chance
to touch it.
77
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:08,188
So if it's salty,
it's from his tears.
78
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,982
Heartbreak-swiss on rye.
79
00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:14,736
You can almost taste
the betrayal.
80
00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:16,071
[bell ringing]
81
00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:19,032
Hey. Hey!
82
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:20,534
- Hey!
- No! Get out!
83
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:21,743
Get out!
84
00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:22,953
Get out! Come here.
Come here.
85
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,287
Come here.
86
00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:25,205
- Get out of here!
- Let me go!
87
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,581
- Get a zip tie.
- Zip tie.
88
00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:27,916
Zip tie. Zip tie.
89
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:31,503
Got it? Got it?
90
00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:33,422
All right.
- Get this off of me!
91
00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:34,631
You can't do this!
92
00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:35,841
What are you gonna do,
call the cops?
93
00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:36,758
- Dan, call the cops!
- Oh.
94
00:03:38,677 --> 00:03:41,304
Oh, holy crap.
95
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:45,142
I know.
96
00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:46,560
I'm on hold.
97
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,728
The hell is wrong with you?
98
00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:50,856
Why would you hit
a little store like this?
99
00:03:50,856 --> 00:03:52,566
I don't know, they wanted
crowbars and things
100
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:55,110
so we could break
into the better stores.
101
00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:58,488
Well, thank you
for shopping at Olinsky's.
102
00:03:58,488 --> 00:04:01,575
[bluesy rock music]
103
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:08,373
♪ ♪
104
00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:21,553
"The Conners" is recorded
105
00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:22,846
in front of a live
studio audience.
106
00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:24,389
All right.
107
00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:26,057
Your presents are hidden
all over the house,
108
00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:27,809
and we have to find them.
109
00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:28,560
Are you ready?
110
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:29,853
Yes.
111
00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:31,730
Remember, the real fun is
112
00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:33,690
the excitement of looking,
113
00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:35,358
not the presents themselves.
114
00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:37,736
Go.
115
00:04:41,198 --> 00:04:42,616
I love it, Mommy.
116
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,326
Now I can see my books.
117
00:04:45,494 --> 00:04:46,745
Mm.
118
00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:49,247
Academically exceptional,
you say?
119
00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:52,209
Oh, that's not a present, sweetie.
120
00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:54,711
That is Grandpa's inability
to pass up free stuff
121
00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:57,005
left out on the curb.
122
00:04:57,005 --> 00:05:00,133
Uh, I'm not sure
we're gonna find the gifts,
123
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,052
but after lifting up
these cushions,
124
00:05:02,052 --> 00:05:04,846
I think I now know why we're
always itchy after we visit.
125
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:08,391
Mommy, what's this?
126
00:05:08,391 --> 00:05:09,392
They're old photos.
127
00:05:09,392 --> 00:05:10,685
Where did you get those?
128
00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:11,937
Over there.
129
00:05:11,937 --> 00:05:13,063
Who are these people?
130
00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:14,439
That's our family.
131
00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:17,317
Oh, yeah.
There's your grandma Rose.
132
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:20,362
And there's your
great grandma Bev.
133
00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:24,824
And that is your
great, great grandma Nana Mary.
134
00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:26,660
And who are these people?
135
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,411
Hmm.
136
00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:29,996
I don't recognize them,
137
00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:32,624
but they must be our relatives,
138
00:05:32,624 --> 00:05:36,461
because they all look like
sad chimney sweeps.
139
00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:39,047
That's a really old picture, sweetie.
140
00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:41,508
The only one who would know
them is Great Grandma Bev,
141
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:44,010
and she's roaming the country
hopping boxcars
142
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:46,263
and stealing pies
off windowsills.
143
00:05:48,431 --> 00:05:49,850
It's sad, really.
144
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,351
Sometimes when you die,
you just become
145
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:52,894
a picture in a drawer, huh?
146
00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:56,022
And nobody remembers
who you are anymore.
147
00:05:57,983 --> 00:06:01,486
So if everybody forgets them,
they're gone forever,
148
00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:04,406
like in the movie "Coco"?
149
00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:05,615
Yes, exactly.
150
00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,200
That is so smart.
151
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:11,997
But it's OK,
because when you're dead,
152
00:06:11,997 --> 00:06:13,999
you won't know you're dead.
153
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:16,585
I won't know I'm dead?
154
00:06:16,585 --> 00:06:19,212
Am I dead now?
155
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:21,965
No, no,
you are very much alive
156
00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:23,758
and looking for presents.
157
00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:29,180
We have to remember who they
are so they'll stay alive.
158
00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:31,975
Oh, no, they can't stay alive
because they're dead.
159
00:06:33,602 --> 00:06:37,188
So because they're dead,
they're gone forever.
160
00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:38,940
No!
161
00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:40,275
Darlene!
162
00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:42,402
What? I mean, but it's OK.
163
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,654
It--it happens to everybody.
164
00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:46,406
They just put you
in the ground,
165
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,658
and then your body becomes food
166
00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:53,204
for all the hungry spiders
and worms,
167
00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:57,167
and that's--that's nice,
because they need to eat too.
168
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:02,756
Oh, hey,
what are we doing here?
169
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:04,966
We're supposed to be
looking for presents.
170
00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:07,093
Why don't you look
in Grandpa's room, OK?
171
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:09,679
I'll go with her, keep her
out of grandpa's bathroom.
172
00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:11,765
There's things in there that
make death look like a picnic.
173
00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:16,519
What the hell, Darlene?
174
00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:19,230
That is way too dark
to say to a kid.
175
00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:20,815
Well, maybe.
176
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:22,984
But you can't let her
keep believing that
177
00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:24,819
people stay alive forever.
178
00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:27,113
The first time somebody dies,
she's gonna be devastated.
179
00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:28,615
I'm just telling her the truth.
180
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:31,284
She is not ready for that,
and neither am I.
181
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,662
The conversation is coming
whether you like it or not.
182
00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:36,831
Aunt Jackie is
a terrible driver.
183
00:07:36,831 --> 00:07:39,125
Dad won't stop eating hot dogs.
184
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:42,212
And if Ben doesn't stop talking
about hardware during sex,
185
00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:43,963
I am going to kill him.
186
00:07:46,091 --> 00:07:48,259
Well, thank you, officer.
I understand.
187
00:07:48,259 --> 00:07:51,596
Just get here
as soon as you can.
188
00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:53,098
What'd they say?
189
00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:54,766
We're only a property crime,
190
00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:57,102
so we're not that high
on the list.
191
00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:59,062
Did you tell them
it was Jackie Harris,
192
00:07:59,062 --> 00:08:01,648
former proud member
of the Lanford PD?
193
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,358
Yes.
194
00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:06,986
And then I heard
the world's longest sigh.
195
00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:09,072
It was still going
when I hung up.
196
00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:10,532
Those guys.
197
00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:13,201
They never missed
an opportunity to mess with me,
198
00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:16,204
like when they replaced my
nightstick with an adult toy,
199
00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:18,957
which--it's all fun and games
200
00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:22,293
until you're speaking
at an elementary school.
201
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:23,920
You know this is
kidnapping, right?
202
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:27,132
Wrong, false imprisonment,
and nobody asked you.
203
00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:31,594
OK, Dan, look,
204
00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:34,347
the cops aren't gonna be able
to catch all those people.
205
00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:36,808
But if we can get her
to give us some names,
206
00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:38,643
then maybe we can get
some of your stuff back.
207
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:41,020
So you go over there,
you be the good cop.
208
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:42,647
You soften her up.
209
00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:44,941
And then once
her guard is down, I come in.
210
00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:46,526
I squeeze the names out of her.
211
00:08:49,404 --> 00:08:51,489
Just so you know,
when the cops get here,
212
00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:52,741
I'm telling them
you were the leader.
213
00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:54,200
But I wasn't.
214
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,327
They don't know that,
but I do know
215
00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:58,997
that the leader pays
the highest price.
216
00:08:58,997 --> 00:09:01,416
And since you're the one
sitting here, that's you.
217
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:03,835
- That's not fair.
- Life ain't fair!
218
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:07,672
You punks think
it's no big deal
219
00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:10,091
to smash your way in here
and steal a bunch of stuff.
220
00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:11,426
Well, let me tell you
something.
221
00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:13,178
That stuff feeds my family!
222
00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:15,138
Yeah, but you can just get
it all back from your insurance
223
00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:17,557
or whatever.
- [laughs]
224
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:20,393
We can't afford
that kind of insurance.
225
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:23,521
Our insurance gets us
a pretty calendar
226
00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:25,857
with pictures of places
I can't afford to go to
227
00:09:25,857 --> 00:09:28,568
because I've been robbed!
228
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:32,572
Frankly, I hope you go to jail
and you rot.
229
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:35,158
Dan, can I see you
for a second?
230
00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:39,954
OK, um, good cop--
231
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:42,290
that's the nice one, see?
232
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:44,751
'Cause you're not
leaving me anything to do
233
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:48,338
but take her out to the country
and have her dig her own grave.
234
00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:50,632
That depends if
they left us a shovel.
235
00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:51,883
Yeah.
236
00:09:51,883 --> 00:09:54,302
OK, look, I'm gonna be
the good cop, OK?
237
00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:56,346
'Cause I know all
the psychological games.
238
00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:59,224
I'm gonna pretend to connect
with her woman to woman
239
00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:02,268
and then get her to roll over
on the other perps.
240
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,479
Oh, my...
[giggles]
241
00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:07,065
It's so fun saying perps again.
242
00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:09,400
Perps.
[laughs]
243
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,611
OK, I'm gonna give you
five minutes,
244
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:14,322
and then there's gonna be
a bunch of yelling and crying,
245
00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:16,908
and then I'm gonna turn
my attention to her.
246
00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:18,326
♪ ♪
247
00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:22,705
You know,
Grandpa could have just told us
248
00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:23,957
he hid the gifts at our house
249
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,250
so we didn't waste an hour
250
00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:28,086
looking for the gifts
at his house.
251
00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:29,796
Yeah, but that wouldn't
have been as much fun for him.
252
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,089
But I hid his Tums.
253
00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:32,382
Payback's a bitch.
254
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,343
Beverly Rose is
still freaking out
255
00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:38,179
about your little
conversation with her.
256
00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:39,806
She won't even play
with her American girl
257
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,933
comb and brush set.
258
00:10:41,933 --> 00:10:43,434
Would have been
a lot more fun
259
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:46,354
if you had given her
a doll to go with it.
260
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:49,649
I would have if
my scratchers had hit.
261
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:53,653
The worst part is she keeps
staring at that picture
262
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,655
because she thinks if
she keeps remembering them,
263
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,365
they won't die.
264
00:10:57,365 --> 00:10:59,617
Becky, you can't
put this off forever.
265
00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:01,035
I mean, you're a psych major.
266
00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:02,453
You should know what to say.
267
00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:04,497
I haven't taken
that class yet.
268
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:07,000
If she was eating dryer sheets
or pulling out her eyebrows,
269
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,085
I'd be all over that.
270
00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:10,461
Why are you avoiding this?
271
00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:12,255
I'm not avoiding it.
272
00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:14,591
You're literally
walking out the door
273
00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:15,800
in the middle
of a conversation.
274
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,468
That is avoiding it.
275
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:19,137
You're gonna screw up
your kid, Becky.
276
00:11:19,137 --> 00:11:22,265
Yeah.
Well, it's my kid to screw up.
277
00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:24,809
So just let me go to work
and close up for Louise.
278
00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:26,060
That's an excuse.
279
00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:27,186
You'd be running out anyway.
280
00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:28,605
Yeah, I would.
281
00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:30,440
Nobody wants to talk to you.
282
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,025
You know those dead people
in the photo?
283
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,402
They died to avoid meeting you.
284
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:39,449
So we were so busy
zip-tying you to the ladder
285
00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:41,993
that we forgot
to ask your name.
286
00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:43,536
Bella.
287
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,705
Bella.
Bella's a beautiful name.
288
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,498
Bella, that means beautiful.
289
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,376
No, I'm just saying that
290
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:52,003
I bet when your parents
first saw you,
291
00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:54,672
they said, "Oh, look at
our beautiful little girl."
292
00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:58,301
This is really gonna
disappoint them.
293
00:11:58,301 --> 00:12:00,053
Whatever.
They're always saying
294
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:01,679
what a disappointment
I am anyway.
295
00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:03,765
They'll probably be happy
to find out that they're right.
296
00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:06,517
Whoa, no, no, don't say that.
297
00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:09,270
Look, I know that when you hear
somebody put you down enough,
298
00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:11,606
then you start believing it.
299
00:12:11,606 --> 00:12:14,609
But they don't get to write
your story for you.
300
00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:18,196
Can I get you two yentas
a couple of lattes
301
00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:20,657
and some shawls
so you can continue
302
00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:21,991
exploring your feelings?
303
00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:24,244
Just ignore him.
304
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,621
Now, I know that
when you don't get approval
305
00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:28,498
from your parents,
then you try looking for it
306
00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:29,958
in other really bad places.
307
00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:32,669
But you don't need
to protect these people.
308
00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:33,920
They left you here.
309
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,422
No, I was just stupid
and got caught.
310
00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:37,757
He didn't leave me here.
311
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:40,385
OK, there's always a "he."
312
00:12:40,385 --> 00:12:41,928
Uh-huh.
Is this "he" your boyfriend?
313
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:44,347
Let me guess--
you were trying to impress him
314
00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:47,141
by proving that you could
hang with the guys?
315
00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:48,309
You don't look like someone
316
00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:49,769
who knows about
having a boyfriend.
317
00:12:56,234 --> 00:12:59,070
Happily married,
but that's not the point.
318
00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:01,030
And he's a doctor.
319
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,617
So that's who
talked you into it?
320
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,077
Yeah.
321
00:13:06,077 --> 00:13:07,537
OK.
322
00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:11,541
Um, could you wait
in the back room for a second
323
00:13:11,541 --> 00:13:13,543
for me, Dr. Banner?
324
00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:15,503
I think that I can get
the names out of her
325
00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:19,007
if I can get rid of
your menacing male energy.
326
00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:22,260
Since we're taking shots,
327
00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:24,429
he's an animal doctor.
328
00:13:24,429 --> 00:13:26,014
♪ ♪
329
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:29,726
[bluesy harmonica music]
330
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:33,021
Oh, are you my daughter
or my waitress?
331
00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:34,647
Unfortunately, your daughter.
332
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:36,524
Oh, good. Good.
333
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:38,818
Then you will appreciate this.
334
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,987
Oh, my God,
why do we always have to have
335
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,363
the stupid sandwiches?
336
00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:44,282
Why can't we have
the good bread?
337
00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:45,867
My friends get tacos.
I hate you.
338
00:13:45,867 --> 00:13:47,285
Can I have some money?
339
00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:50,997
Guess I'll play the mom.
340
00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:52,999
I totally support
all of your life choices
341
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:55,168
and respect everything you do.
342
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,545
That's what I would have liked
to have heard growing up.
343
00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:00,840
Becky sent you over here
344
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,467
because she's avoiding me, right?
345
00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:04,552
You have that effect
on people.
346
00:14:05,970 --> 00:14:09,223
Becky?
347
00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:12,018
[clucking] Becky.
348
00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:17,273
What are you doing?
349
00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:19,484
We have a reunion here,
family members
350
00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:22,820
who are actually excited
to see each other.
351
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:25,073
Well, I obviously
hit a nerve.
352
00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:27,366
Something is going on with you,
and I want to help you.
353
00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:28,785
Also, your rent's coming up,
354
00:14:28,785 --> 00:14:31,120
and I don't want there
to be a problem with that.
355
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,914
Not now. I'm working.
356
00:14:32,914 --> 00:14:34,457
I'll cover for you.
357
00:14:34,457 --> 00:14:35,958
Hopefully the Johnson family's
got an opening
358
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:37,502
for a young, cool cousin.
359
00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:40,338
Damn it, Darlene.
360
00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:42,256
Why can't you
leave things alone?
361
00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:44,759
Look, the one thing
I've learned as a parent
362
00:14:44,759 --> 00:14:48,096
is that you don't want your own
issues messing up your kids.
363
00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:49,931
You don't want
to talk about death,
364
00:14:49,931 --> 00:14:52,725
but your silence is gonna hurt
Beverly Rose more.
365
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:55,103
Well, thanks to you,
I'm gonna hurt her either way.
366
00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:57,105
How could you
possibly hurt her
367
00:14:57,105 --> 00:15:00,233
by having
an honest conversation?
368
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,859
Because I can't
talk about death
369
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:04,779
without thinking
about Mark, OK?
370
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:09,200
If I have to relive
the death of my husband,
371
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,410
I'm gonna lose it.
372
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:14,080
And if I start crying,
I'm not sure if I can stop.
373
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:17,583
I don't want my daughter
to see that.
374
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:21,504
Is that why you were so numb
at Mom's funeral?
375
00:15:21,504 --> 00:15:23,631
Yes.
376
00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:25,091
Wow, I'm sorry.
377
00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:27,260
I--I didn't know
that pushing you
378
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:30,012
with Beverly Rose was
gonna bring all that up.
379
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:33,141
Well, maybe it will be
a little bit easier
380
00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:35,017
if you don't do it alone.
381
00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:39,105
So how about you and I
382
00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:42,441
and a gender-reveal raccoon
383
00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:44,944
go help Beverly Rose
make some sense of this?
384
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,530
♪ ♪
385
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:49,448
Oh.
386
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:50,533
Did you get
any names out of her?
387
00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:51,993
No.
388
00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:54,245
Well, you tried.
Maybe I can do it.
389
00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:55,246
First you'll have
to find her,
390
00:15:55,246 --> 00:15:56,789
'cause I let her go.
391
00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:58,583
You what? You what?
392
00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:00,126
Why in the hell would you do
something like that?
393
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:01,878
Well, the more
I talked to her,
394
00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:04,255
the more I realized that she's
going through the same crap
395
00:16:04,255 --> 00:16:06,257
that I was going through
at that age.
396
00:16:06,257 --> 00:16:08,509
It was like going back
in a time machine.
397
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:11,262
Although, if I'd really had
a time machine,
398
00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:12,805
I never would have sold
my car to buy those
399
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:15,933
Mott the Hoople tickets.
400
00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:18,311
Now I feel like
I've been robbed twice.
401
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:19,729
I like seeing the bad guys
get punished
402
00:16:19,729 --> 00:16:21,230
at the end of the movie.
403
00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:23,065
Well, unless
she figures stuff out,
404
00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:24,942
she's gonna get
punished plenty.
405
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:26,485
Chasing approval
from people who are
406
00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:28,905
never gonna give it to her.
407
00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:31,741
Can those people
give me some money?
408
00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:34,327
Somebody's got to pay
for something.
409
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:37,246
She just made a mistake
trying to impress a boy.
410
00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:39,957
I spent my whole life trying
to get approval from men.
411
00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:41,959
When I was a cop,
it was the Sergeant.
412
00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:44,629
And when I was a trucker,
it was my dispatcher.
413
00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:47,465
And then after my father died--
414
00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:49,133
What?
415
00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:52,345
What happened
after your dad died?
416
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:53,721
You, OK?
417
00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:55,306
Wanted approval from you.
418
00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:57,141
Me?
419
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:59,477
Why would you care
what I think?
420
00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:02,647
None of the other women
in my life seem to.
421
00:17:02,647 --> 00:17:05,524
Because you were the only
positive male role model
422
00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:06,901
I had in my life.
423
00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:08,653
I knew it was never
gonna get an attagirl
424
00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:10,446
out of my mom or even Roseanne,
425
00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:12,823
so I kept hoping that
I'd get one from you.
426
00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:15,701
But you never took me
seriously either.
427
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:18,913
Honestly, Jackie,
if I knew you felt that way,
428
00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:21,374
I would have complimented you
on all kinds of things.
429
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:22,833
Like...
430
00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:27,755
I can't think right now
because I've just been robbed,
431
00:17:27,755 --> 00:17:29,757
and--and I'm under duress.
432
00:17:29,757 --> 00:17:31,550
Yeah.
433
00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:34,011
Yeah, you're under strain.
434
00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:35,304
But when you get some rest
435
00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:37,056
and--and you're
a little less shaken up,
436
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:39,100
I'll be waiting for my list.
437
00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:40,851
Right now, just tell me
I did the right thing
438
00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:42,103
by letting the girl go.
439
00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:43,604
You did the right thing.
440
00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:45,898
Hey, there's your list.
- OK.
441
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,358
Oh, I'll take it.
442
00:17:47,358 --> 00:17:50,778
♪ ♪
443
00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:53,072
Sweetie,
that's such a good drawing.
444
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,199
It's the people
from the picture.
445
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:57,201
That way, if we lose
that other picture,
446
00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:59,412
we won't forget about them,
and they won't die.
447
00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,584
Um, let's talk about that.
448
00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:09,714
I know you want to think
that people live forever,
449
00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,966
but it's not true.
450
00:18:11,966 --> 00:18:14,510
When people die, they go away,
451
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:17,847
and as much as we love them,
452
00:18:17,847 --> 00:18:21,100
they are gone forever.
453
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:24,687
But I don't want the people
I love to go away forever.
454
00:18:24,687 --> 00:18:28,065
Neither do I,
455
00:18:28,065 --> 00:18:31,610
but when Mama was very young,
456
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:35,489
she had a special friend
that died,
457
00:18:35,489 --> 00:18:39,452
and that was hard for Mommy,
458
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:44,040
because it made her sad
when she thought about him.
459
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:50,296
But thanks to you,
I am thinking about him
460
00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:53,674
and all the wonderful times
we had.
461
00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:58,804
So he may be gone,
but he's not forgotten.
462
00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:02,350
And now I can tell you
about him,
463
00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:06,187
and you can tell
your kids about him.
464
00:19:06,187 --> 00:19:09,774
And so in some way,
465
00:19:09,774 --> 00:19:11,859
he's always with us.
466
00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:15,321
And you know what?
467
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:18,491
Your mom and I were talking,
468
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:21,035
and we actually remember
469
00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:23,329
who the people
in this picture are.
470
00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:24,789
So they're not
totally forgotten.
471
00:19:24,789 --> 00:19:26,290
Isn't that great?
472
00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:28,042
Yeah.
473
00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:31,295
Tell me about them
so they're in my memory too.
474
00:19:31,295 --> 00:19:33,881
Oh, you know what?
475
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:36,801
I promised Aunt Darlene
that she could help.
476
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:40,388
She knows everything.
477
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:43,015
Couldn't be righter.
478
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:46,852
But your mom probably knows
more about these people
479
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:49,105
because she is
so much older than I am
480
00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:52,066
and she always will be,
so she should start.
481
00:19:52,066 --> 00:19:54,151
OK.
482
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:57,738
Um, this super old dude there,
483
00:19:57,738 --> 00:20:02,326
that is, uh,
Great, Great Uncle Seamus.
484
00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:06,956
He invented the plow,
485
00:20:06,956 --> 00:20:10,418
but forgot to patent it.
486
00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:13,879
And he got drunk
and fell into a well.
487
00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:17,967
Thereby proving
that he's a Conner.
488
00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:22,012
Darlene, you should talk
about this woman.
489
00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:24,849
She has a very interesting
story, right?
490
00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:26,058
Well, we'll see.
491
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,437
Uh--
492
00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,105
oh, OK.
493
00:20:31,105 --> 00:20:32,356
OK.
494
00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:33,983
I got it.
495
00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:38,070
That is your mom's namesake,
496
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:41,782
your great, great aunt Rebecca
497
00:20:41,782 --> 00:20:43,701
who used to make up stories
498
00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:46,370
and tell them to all
the children in the village
499
00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:50,750
until they rose up against her
and set her pants on fire
500
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:53,127
because she was a witch.
501
00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:55,337
A witch, you say?
502
00:20:55,337 --> 00:20:56,338
♪ ♪
503
00:20:59,049 --> 00:21:01,510
So you don't believe
in any afterlife package?
504
00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:03,554
Mm-mm.
505
00:21:03,554 --> 00:21:06,599
Even Buddhists think
we come back as animals.
506
00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:09,977
I mean, you are so used
to crapping on people,
507
00:21:09,977 --> 00:21:13,439
think about how easy it
would be if you were a bird.
508
00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:15,149
Yeah, as a bird,
509
00:21:15,149 --> 00:21:18,986
I could eat the worms
that ate your body.
510
00:21:18,986 --> 00:21:21,405
It must be hard being you.
511
00:21:21,405 --> 00:21:23,824
That's why
I'm not afraid of death.
512
00:21:23,824 --> 00:21:24,992
Could use the break.
513
00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:26,535
[laughs]
514
00:21:27,578 --> 00:21:28,370
[child giggles]