Okay. I finished Dad'’s cake.
Made it just the way he likes:
a layer of cake, sausage, cake,
bacon, cake, ham, frosting.
It'’s basically a frosted pig.
Well, I hope he gets here soon,
'’cause I gotta run back to the cafeteria
and try to undo this crappy menu.
It'’s unhealthy food,
but the good news is it'’s prepared badly.
So why do you have to do it?
Isn'’t that one of the perks of being a bottom-rung lunch lady
in a dead-end job?
What? I said "perks."
Well, talk to the person in charge.
Make some changes.
Shake things up.
Rattle some cages.
You know what? Jackie'’s right. I gotta do something more.
I'’m not wired to just sit around
when I could be getting better food for these kids.
And that place is run so horribly.
-[sighs] Hey. -Hey.
How did the parents at the PTA meeting react
to you running for the school board?
My big pitch was that I'’d have more time for the kids
'’cause I don't have any,
but most of the moms just muttered,
"Oh, that'’s how she can look like that."
You may be too pretty to win.
That'’s why I never went into politics.
Oh, yeah.
That and the only time you voted was for Zendaya
on Dancing with the Stars.
You see? [whispers] It'’s still happening.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'’re all pretty.
Uh, right now, we have a lot of work to do before Dan gets home.
Uh, look around, detective.
We'’ve already done it.
Yeah. And now we have to take it all down.
Last night, I was talking to Dan,
and he was adamant about not making a big deal
over his 70th birthday.
We know he doesn'’t like it.
That'’s why we do it.
Look, look. He'’s already on edge.
This morning, I saw him standing on the curb screaming,
"Don'’t move those lawn chairs.
I'’ll kill anybody who takes my parking space."
Well, you better hurry,
because his truck is nudging the lawn chairs
out of the way right now.
All right. Come on.
Let'’s go, people. We gotta do this.
[whistles]
Why are you all standing in the living room?
Haven'’t you heard?
Sitting is the new cancer.
And why is there a cake?
Well, we'’re just celebrating football
and the fact that we love cake with a cake.
Happy football.
Why have we never done this before?
And why are we doing it on my birthday?
-It'’s your birthday? What? -Oh, what?
No. It is so unimportant,
we don'’t even wanna remember your birthday.
Actually, I'’m annoyed you brought it up.
Well, you'’re gonna be more annoyed,
because I found a reason to celebrate.
He wants to celebrate.
-Surprise! -[Jackie] Surprise!
And this isn'’t really a football cake.
It'’s a birthday cake.
Boo, football. Yay, birthday.
Yay.
I'’m gonna start taking my social security
and my union pension.
Yep.
I beat the system by being poor
and living longer than the government thought I would.
[scoffs] Dan, this is amazing.
We'’ve been working so hard for so long.
Now we can finally have some fun.
No.
I got bigger and better things playing for that money.
If I can scratch up another ten grand,
I'’m in striking distance of paying off this house.
-[Louise gasps] -Wow.
So, you'’re gonna own it before it'’s just mold
in the shape of a house?
It'’ll be a race.
Happy birthday, Grandpa.
Too late. We moved past birthday. We'’re onto houses now.
We dodged whether he'’s happy or unhappy about this day,
so don'’t start bringing up stuff that'’s gonna cause problems.
Okay. Grandpa, there'’s, um, some neutral circus peanuts
for you on the table.
They'’re neither happy nor sad.
Sorry I was late.
Some guys at the dorm stole all the toilet seats
to stair surf.
And since I'’m the janitor,
I'’m supposed to replace them,
but I have no idea how to do it.
Oh, toilet seats are easy. I can teach you.
Passing down toilet knowledge?
Give me a minute. I'’m getting emotional.
[Louise] Here'’s a crazy thought.
What if you taught basic home repairs
to this entitled, helpless generation?
Sounds like a great idea.
Yeah, we could get the word out to the neighbors
by putting flyers in their post boxes
and then stapling the rest to the telephone poles.
Or we could put it on a scroll
and have it announced by the town crier.
Or we could join the 21st century
and put it on the Nextdoor app.
I don'’t know.
Every time we'’re mentioned on Nextdoor, it starts with,
"Whose turn is it to talk to the hillbillies about..."
uh, fill in the blank.
The last one was about some guy in his underpants
chasing around loose chickens in his front yard.
First of all, it was an emergency.
Secondly, I wasn'’t chasing. I was herding.
The chicks had gotten out,
and they were about to cross the road,
and I was not about to be the butt of a very old joke.
Ah, thank you.
[laughs]
[Jackie] The Conners is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Okay. Now, who can show me where the bolts are
that hold the seat on this toilet--
courtesy of Olinsky Hardware for all your hardware needs
and protein bars.
Ooh, I know.
No, no. The owner of the store may not answer.
[chuckles]
-Oh, wow. -Ooh, nice.
Hey. Pay attention so you learn something.
You don'’t wanna end up useless like your father.
I know how the toilet can be emotionally triggering,
but let'’s hold that thought,
and let'’s keep getting our learning on, yo.
Oh, my God.
Oh, wow.
Finally got that fancy centerpiece
I'’ve been dreaming about.
[chuckles] This is my wife, Louise, everybody.
And don'’t worry, honey, the toilet'’s never been used.
Hmm. Although, a few old folks at the store sat on it,
but just to see if they could get back up.
Yeah, you just unscrew a couple of bolts,
and the seat comes right off.
Next, I'’ll show you
how to break into your own garage if your clicker'’s broken.
Or if you'’re feeling frisky,
break into your neighbor'’s garage and sit in their new car.
I gotta get to soccer practice.
-You don'’t play soccer. -I'’m gonna join.
I'’d rather be hit in the head with a ball than do this again.
[chuckles]
All right. [sighs]
I'’m gonna get this back to the store. [chuckles]
Honey, I'’m so sorry.
I-- I should have known that teenagers just don'’t wanna learn
to fix anything around the house.
[sighs] We took a shot.
I was just hoping we could pay off the house faster.
I guess it'’s back to modeling.
I thought I'’d worn my last Speedo.
Uh.
[chuckles] Y-Yeah.
You'’re right.
You have.
Uh, sorry to interrupt.
I'’m looking for Marjorie, the school nutritionist.
You found her.
Oh, hi. I'’m Darlene.
I-I'’m glad you're finally in.
You are in, right? It'’s kind of dark in here.
I don'’t like to turn on lights.
It attracts people.
Anyway, I work on the line in the cafeteria.
Oh, God. You'’re not leaving.
All right.
Turn on the lights.
[grunts]
I will just be a second.
So I'’ve worked here for a while now,
and I have some ideas about how we could improve
the quality of the food.
Darlene,
I'’ve run food services at this school since 1965.
This nutrition chart gave our boys
the energy to beat the Germans in WW two.
I think it'’ll give our students the stamina
to play beer pong till 3:00 a.m.
Uh, that chart has butter as its own food group.
You'’re one of those "change" people.
No, it'’s-- it's not radical.
All we'’ve gotta do is serve healthier ingredients
that the kids actually wanna eat.
Then we just run the kitchen more efficiently,
and we can actually save a lot of money.
I don'’t have time for all of this.
Talk to the manager.
We don'’t have a manager. How do you not know that?
Lot of people think I'’m not here.
I don'’t get a lot of news.
Okay. Well, we'’ve got ten employees
in desperate need of supervision.
Have you ever been convicted of a child-related crime?
What? No.
Fine. You'’re the manager.
Are you serious?
I'’ll give you a month.
If you can cut the budget by 25%,
we'’ll make it permanent, and I'’ll give you a raise.
W-- Oh, wow. Yes, I'’m in.
That'’s amazing. Thank you.
But we'’re gonna replace you on the line,
so if you fail, you'’re on the street.
Well, I get a tuition break for my son. What about that?
It'’s gone. Maybe you should have thought of that
before you so recklessly climbed the corporate ladder.
Well, no, then I-I don'’t want the job.
It'’s too late. I already put in the paperwork.
That'’s impossible.
I'’ve been here the whole time.
I'’m the only one who has to approve it.
So, I imagined it, I signed it, and I told myself, "good job."
Anyway, welcome to the team.
Did I mention I never wanna see you again
unless it'’s to fire you?
No, you didn'’t, but I had a feeling.
I'’ll turn out the light.
Feel free to go back to hanging from the ceiling.
Now we know where to find the reset button
on the garbage disposal.
Now, if you'’ll meet me in the front yard,
I'’ll show you how putting your lawn furniture in the street
can save your parking spot.
Great.
Wow.
You got quite the turnout.
That must make you feel good.
Yeah, it turns out the moms really wanted the classes,
and they told their friends.
I got so many calls, I had to add three night classes.
So, you'’re gonna work all day at the hardware store
and then work all night doing this?
Yeah. I'’ll be exhausted,
but it'’ll be a good exhausted when I pay off the house.
-[sighs] -Oh.
You know, paying off the house is huge,
but you have to make some time for yourself.
I was gonna make your favorite dinner tonight.
You know, something brown with something white.
[chuckles]
Well, I won'’t be done with classes in time,
but it won'’t be long
before a home-cooked meal was actually cooked in our home,
as opposed to Citibank'’s home,
which sold it to Chase, which sold it to State Farm,
which sold it to, if I remember my paperwork, SmileDirectClub.
Who are you people?
We'’re students at Stephen A. Douglas and Ned.
Darlene invited the cafeteria staff here
to talk about how we'’re gonna run things
now that she'’s the manager.
She'’s your boss?
My condolences.
She'’s hypercritical, controlling and annoying.
I whipped up some delicious vegan snacks.
And there'’s no such thing, so I'’m right behind her
with something you actually wanna eat.
Thank you for coming.
I know we don'’t all work the same shifts,
but I am looking forward to hearing your ideas
about how we can work more efficiently.
I'’m Ashley.
You probably haven'’t seen me '’cause I work nights,
and sometimes I forget to come in
'’cause my pharmacy's been out of Adderall.
And when I have Adderall, I'’m usually late
'’cause I log on to see what time my shift is
and I end up going down the Tom Holland rabbit hole.
Didn'’t really hear an idea there, Ashley.
Uh, what I'’m looking for are ways to save money.
And I don'’t wanna point fingers,
but there is a lot of waste in the kitchen.
You mean like when Bailey didn'’t show up,
so nobody put the chicken delivery in the freezer,
and then somebody called the cops
because it smelled like a dead body?
Okay. That'’s finger-pointing.
And we'’re not doing that.
But, yeah, like that.
[clears throat] Doesn'’t seem like you had any trouble
getting that prescription this week, huh, Ashley? [laughs]
They'’re all flakes because they'’re all on work-study.
They don'’t show up half the time.
Why else would we work there, Ned?
The hours are really flexible.
We can pretty much just show up whenever we want.
What? So, no one has a set schedule?
[chuckles] How could she make things more efficient
when she can'’t count on anybody to--
Oh, that'’s why you got the job so easy.
I'’m screwed.
You'’re finally starting to get it, beautiful.
Okay. Very productive meeting.
Thank you, everybody.
[Ben sighs]
See y'’all tomorrow at 7:00 a.m. or whenever.
-Oh, my God. I am such an idiot. -[sighs]
I just wanted to make things better at work.
And then my boss,
who'’s clearly Mary Todd Lincoln'’s older, crazier sister,
knew that I was on a suicide mission, and she set me up.
Uh, hey, look. I knew when you first took this lunch lady job
that it was going to be a struggle for you
to be in a position where you weren'’t calling the shots.
Yeah. I mean, I-I do like the idea of being manager.
I don'’t only wanna be the boss of you.
I don'’t want that either.
Oh, hey, Louise.
Could you close for me tonight?
Yeah, sure.
There'’s a bunch of strangers in my house anyway.
Dan is getting so popular
that he has classes every night this week.
Well, if you don'’t like it, tell him to stop.
No, I really can'’t.
It was my idea.
But it'’s gotten out of control.
I don'’t think he realizes
that he missed my school board meet-and-greet last night.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So, you don'’t have kids,
and the person in your life who has kids isn'’t showing up?
Are you running on the "scary loner" platform?
I can'’t give the poor guy a hard time.
Last night, he watched three episodes of the Gilmore Girls
because he was too tired to reach for the remote.
And it was in his hand.
And it was the Gilmore Girls.
So, how is your veggie burger?
That'’s not how you comfort somebody
who'’s in a terrible mood.
Sorry.
You'’re always in a terrible mood,
so it just seems like-- I don'’t know-- Wednesday.
Oh, thanks for asking.
It'’s my staff. For the last two days,
I'’ve been trying to get them to work as a team,
but it'’s useless, because they'’re a bunch of entitled,
distracted half-wits.
Hmm.
Maybe it'’s the way you'’re addressing them.
No, no, no, no. The problem is they'’re not professionals.
That'’s what you need.
You need a food service with real cooks
who are trained to bring in prepared meals.
And then you save a lot of money because they know how to portion
for the amount of people that they'’re serving,
and there isn'’t any waste. [clicks tongue]
Oh, my God. Jackie, could you do that for me?
Huh? No. Hell, no. No.
It'’s a lot of work. We don'’t have time for that.
But Becky and Louise, they'’re part-time,
so if they wanted to help--
And Harris is still learning how to run this place.
-Becky. -Yeah?
I love you.
And I love you too.
But my love for you is very conditional,
and I have a very full life, so go love somebody else.
Go on. Shoo!
-Oh, Harris. -Yes?
I love you.
[scoffs] Okay. What do you need?
I told you. Darlene, she isn'’t ready.
Not ready for what?
Well, I'’m looking for an outside source
who can prep healthier food for the cafeteria.
Otherwise, I'’m gonna lose my job,
and Mark'’s gonna have to quit school.
[sighs] Well, how much food do you need?
Well, I need-- Let'’s see-- 200 grass-fed hamburgers,
150 coleslaws, and a hundred orders of fresh-cut fries.
When do you need it by?
Tomorrow morning.
Okay. I-- I think I can do that.
Harris, that'’s very sweet,
but you don'’t know how to work with these kind of quantities.
No, I wanna do this.
I owe you so much,
and I wanna pay that back
so that the next time you try to guilt me,
I can say "hamburgers" and walk away.
Thank you. You'’re my hero.
You are so much better than the kids at my college.
Am I better than Mark?
I can'’t officially say.
-I love you both equally. -[chuckles]
No. No, Cindy.
Righty tighty, lefty loosey.
[sighs] Dan.
Oh, hey.
I don'’t remember falling asleep.
But if it was before I parked, that'’s pretty impressive.
I don'’t like where this is going.
I'’m starting to worry about you.
You'’re worried?
I don'’t remember eating these fries, and that'’s not like me.
I try to be really present for them.
Well, you'’re not gonna be present for anything
if you don'’t slow down.
[clicks tongue] I know I'’m working crazy hours,
but I can actually see the finish line
where I can leave the house to the kids with no debt.
This isn'’t about the finish line.
I think you are so used to being behind
that you'’re uncomfortable unless you'’re constantly hustling.
Oh, that'’s what being broke your whole life teaches you.
Yeah, but you don'’t have to do this all in a month.
You'’re gonna get there, just a little slower.
You know, maybe one class a week, maybe two.
And that way, you can still enjoy your life
and I can enjoy it with you.
I want that too.
I guess I could back it off a little.
I'’ve never enjoyed life.
It sounds exciting.
[chuckles]
Maybe hit a movie now and then.
-Dinner and a movie. -"Dinner and a movie."
I knew it.
-Gold digger. -[chuckles] Yeah.
Well, if I'’m a gold digger, I'’m the worst there's ever been.
[both chuckle]
You know, it'’s been a long time since we made out in your truck.
You know, we'’re gonna pay for this with our sciatica.
Yeah, it'’ll be worth it.
Forty-six.
Forty-seven.
-You okay? -Yeah.
Just having trouble catching my breath, a little.
Can'’t seem to get ahead on this thing.
-Kinda freaking out. -Hmm.
You'’ve been here like three hours.
That'’s why I came back.
But... [sniffs] ...long way to go to 200 patties.
I know. [sighs]
I-I started cutting up the cabbage for the coleslaw,
but then I thought about the potatoes,
so I started peeling those,
but then I realized the hamburgers were just sitting out,
so I felt I-- I needed to get back to that.
Oh, I'’m not doing anything.
If you-- Would you mind if I helped?
-Only if you really want to. -Yeah.
I don'’t need it.
[breathes shakily]
[sighs]
[sighs] Okay, swap.
-[grunts] There you go. -[grunting, whimpering]
Hey, I got your text. What happened?
Sciatica.
Both of you?
[sighs] Yeah,
we got all twisted up doing martial arts as a couple.
Huh. That'’s funny, '’cause I read on Nextdoor
that the hillbillies were going at it in their truck.
[baby giggles]