[theme song plays]
And that is why we gather on National Cheeseball Day--
yes, it's real--
to celebrate our dusty, crunchy friend.
A beacon of neon orange hope in our gray, dull lives.
-Hear! Hear! Dull lives. Dull lives. -Rise to our gray, dull lives.
To our dull lives.
These were actually here when we bought the house.
I'm not saying that's the reason we bought it,
but it was a factor.
I remember when you looked at this house,
there was asbestos in the walls,
lead in the paint and rust in the water.
And those things will all kill you slower than these cheeseballs.
Look what I found in The Lunch Box parking lot.
Can we keep her? Aw, can we? [laughs]
Aw. We should see if she's microchipped first.
Maybe somebody misses her.
Did you finish prepping Darlene's order for the cafeteria yet?
No, not yet. But I'm gonna go back after dinner to finish it.
Harris, you were at The Lunch Box all day.
Wasn't that long enough to finish it?
It should've been.
It's, like, the simplest thing in the world
to make hamburger patties and salads,
but I just can't seem to get it done.
[smacks lips] Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.
It's a huge order with fast turnaround,
and you're doing it all with one hand
because you've got that bong in the other.
I wish that was the reason,
but I quit weed when I got serious about the job.
Oh, man, that's tough.
Coming up with good excuses for sucking
is the hardest part of being sober.
Harris, I have complete faith in you finishing my cafeteria order,
because if you don't, I will lose my job
and Mark will have to quit school and marry some rich old man.
Yeah, I never saw it going any other way.
Don't worry, I'll get it done.
[Dan] Hey,
they're about to announce the lotto numbers,
or as we call it, "working America's favorite game show."
So... [whispers] ...Becky. Becky.
I'm worried about Harris.
I've already had to step in a few times to help her make the hamburgers.
Yeah. I just don't understand what's going on with her.
I mean, she seems to really wanna shine at this job,
but she can't get out of her own way.
I think it's a confidence issue. Not surprising.
This family could undermine anybody's confidence in a hot minute.
I mean, they throw a grand banquet for cheeseballs
and on my birthday, I get a Lean Pocket with a candle in it.
-[huffs] -What'd you wish for?
[scoffs] It doesn't matter. I didn't get it.
You got 'em.
Hey, you know, you missed the opening ceremonies for Cheeseball Day.
Oh.
Well, I was late 'cause I was running some numbers
'cause I've been thinking about keeping the hardware store open
an hour later than the competition.
[inhales] And, um, I'm going for it.
Whoa.
You gotta keep the light on. You gotta keep the heat on.
Most importantly, you're gonna miss Wheel of Fortune.
-I mean, it's London Week, man. -[Ben laughs]
But, look, I don't have a choice.
When I told Darlene to take that cafeteria job,
I wasn't planning on all these extra bills that just keep popping up.
Like, they just raised our property taxes.
So if you're staying open later,
you're gonna be poaching customers from the big boys, huh?
That's the plan. See?
Home Depot, Lowe's, that one home improvement aisle at CVS
that sells the eyeglass repair kit and the cloth tape measure.
Yeah, they're all going down.
How are you gonna manage all these long shifts?
Yeah, I hope you're not expecting Dan to do it.
I mean, he was killing himself working all day
and then teaching those DIY classes at night.
I mean, he started to sit down when he was looking for stuff in the fridge.
I figured I would make healthier choices
if I wasn't in such a rush to get back to the couch.
[laughs] See, that only works
if you actually put a healthy thing into the fridge.
I have an apple in there.
I'm keeping it fresh inside of a pie.
Now, look, I didn't expect him to fill in.
This is something that Darlene and I gotta deal with.
Mmm. Yeah, I feel bad you gotta work late,
but it's not forever.
If I do well at work, they promised me a raise.
You know, and if we've learned one thing in America:
Low-wage workers always come out on top.
Well, the rough part is that I'm gonna be getting home a lot later
and that means that we won't get to spend as much time together at home, you know.
And that sucks 'cause nighttime has kind of been our time.
Oh. Okay.
Nights, huh? Enough said.
I guess you guys fixed your sex problem, huh?
I think I've learned a little about who to confide in.
Hmm.
But, you know, we'll--
we'll just stay up later so we can spend time together.
Yeah. Hey, look, we've been through tougher times than this.
Oh, yeah, we have. [sighs]
-God. Well, we lost a magazine... -[chuckles]
...and your podcast was an epic fail.
I remember you lived in the back of the hardware store
'cause I lied to you about almost going to Hawaii with another guy.
Oh, yeah.
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
together, there is nothing that we can't make worse.
Mm-hmm.
[Dan] The Conners is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Harris.
Harris! Wake up.
You left the stove on.
Wait, the stove is on?
No, it's okay. I turned it off.
How did this happen?
I don't know. [sighs] I finished the orders
and I wanted to make a grilled cheese and it was around 3:00 in the morning.
I guess I fell asleep.
Ugh, I'm such an idiot.
Is it too much work?
No. I don't know what's going on with me.
Okay. Let's examine this.
When you start a task,
do you feel like you're gonna succeed or you feel like you're gonna fail?
Succeed.
But then I start to get into the work,
and I-I can't get it done.
And then I feel like a failure.
It seems like there's something underneath all of this.
With everything I'm learning as a psychology student,
I really think I can help you figure this out.
That's super neat that you're learning how to do a thing, Becky,
when I've already done the thing.
I was a celebrated life coach.
And if anybody can help you get over your fear of failure,
it's gonna be me.
Your credentials are six weeks in a mall class
and a certificate that has a coupon for a spray tan at the bottom of it.
And I looked great all that winter.
Okay, look, Becky might be able to root around in your brain
and figure out what the problem is.
That could take a lifetime.
I, on the other hand, can get you into action.
Into action.
How about this? We'll both work with you
and then you can tell us which one is helping you
and then Jackie will stop.
I just wanna be able to do my job and not feel like I'm drowning all the time.
So, I'll try anything.
I'm gonna go make another grilled cheese.
If you smell smoke, save yourselves.
Okay, look, let's get one thing clear.
We both care about Harris.
Exactly. This is not a competition.
-This is about what is best for Harris. -[Jackie] Mm-hmm.
If it was a competition--
If it was a competition,
uh, ten bucks and the loser has to get a tattoo
that says "Life coaches rule," and it has to be on your face.
Hit the road, blondie. This is my time with my lady.
Lady?
Aren't you afraid Darlene's gonna come home?
Look, I'm sorry I gotta kick you out,
but... [groans] ...this is my only time with Darlene now that I'm working so late.
I don't have anywhere else to study because Beverly Rose is asleep in my room.
Well, it's your call.
You know, you either move or get crushed by an exhausted couple
going through the motions of trying to have sex.
Can't you just go to your room and flop around like normal people?
We have the energy to walk to the room or we have the energy to have sex.
We don't have both.
You swim in a T-shirt in front of the family.
I'm calling your bluff.
Mmm.
Wait, what? You're already in your leave-me-alone pajamas?
What about--
What about our half-assed couch sex?
-I-I gotta be at the cafeteria at 5 a.m. -[sighs]
They want me to take over breakfast.
Some student was still stoned from the night before
and they ate all the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms.
So, people were triggered. No one felt seen. It was a mess.
[sighs]
Damn. Okay. Well, I understand.
Would you be really mad if I went and got a drink at the Lobo?
I kinda don't wanna just sit up by myself.
-Yeah, of course. -Okay.
You know, sometimes if I look really sad, they'll give me a free shot.
And that's why I check our bank account right before I walk in.
Why are you okay with him going to the Lobo?
How did you hear that? You got earbuds on.
Oh, they're not connected to anything.
I hear everything that goes on around here.
Like when you call Ben your Big Bad Wolf
and ask him to blow your house down.
Ben loves that.
And what's the big deal
about him going out one night to have a drink alone?
Sounds like it's not gonna be one night based on your work schedules.
Okay, so what? Our relationship is strong enough to handle that.
That's what you said about David when you started spending time apart.
One night, he was just out getting a beer.
Next thing you know, he's out getting a beer in Guatemala.
No, that is totally different.
Ben doesn't even have a passport.
Let's be honest, you and I are slow to see relationship problems coming,
but you always see mine better and vice versa.
Okay, yeah. But when it's over,
why can't we just pick up where we left off?
Unless somebody else picks up where you left off at the Lobo tonight.
He owns a moderately successful hardware store.
In Lanford, he's Richard Branson.
God, you're right, and he doesn't even need to be.
In Lanford, he just needs to be the guy who drives Richard Branson.
Why is there all this blonde hair in the drain?
I have a very full life, Dad.
I go from work to school to dates with Tyler.
Sometimes I have to wash my hair in a restaurant sink.
It's the price of being a woman who has it all.
Thanks for coming to fix this, Dan.
You know, Ben was supposed to come by this morning but he bailed.
Not a shock.
He's been hungover at work the last few days
from drinking by himself at the Lobo.
What the hell's going on with him and Darlene?
Didn't she tell you?
They barely see each other.
She falls asleep on the couch waiting for him.
I can't believe she hasn't said anything to me about all this.
Finally. Progress.
Your adult children are taking care of their own lives.
Hey, don't lump me into that.
I still need babysitters, Dad and new Mommy.
Well, your father and I have big plans tonight.
We are gonna watch the Yellowstoneprequel,
followed by the pre-prequel.
-And if we can stay up, the pre-pre-prequel. -[laughs]
You tell your sister if she's got a serious problem, she could call me.
Hey, how many times are you gonna promise
that you're not gonna let your kids interfere with our private time?
I think 25.
All right. Now, I want you to promise me that you are gonna stay out of it.
I can do that.
Tonight, it's just me, you, Yellowstone
and a six-pack of hard root beer 'cause that's all the gas station had.
[laughs]
A vision board is the perfect tool.
So, in order to get past your fear of failure,
you need to visualize your success
and then you can manifest it.
So, I brought in one of my old boards.
[laughs] This is just to give you a sense of how it works.
Now, here I was trying to attract love.
Who's that in the middle?
Well, at the time,
I had a bit of a thing for WGVO's weatherman, Max Thunder.
Okay.
What's up with the Wendy's napkin?
Oh, well, a napkin can symbolize your desire to clean up your lifestyle
or to wipe away old dating patterns.
But in this case, it was just because I saw Max Thunder at the Wendy's.
And so I grabbed the napkin out of the trash after he left.
Okay, but you didn't end up with Max Thunder, so this doesn't work.
No, it-- I was trying to attract love, and I got Neville.
And Max Thunder, he was found dead in an old motel in Mexico.
The forecast called for life, but poor Max.
He got that one wrong.
-Oh, come on. A vision board? -What? They work. I married a doctor.
I did none of that and I'm dating a pilot.
Your time is up, Jackie.
It's my turn to work with Harris.
Um, I've been thinking about
everything you've gone through the past couple years.
It's a lot, isn't it?
Yeah, I guess.
Yeah. You thought you were gonna get married.
You thought you were gonna have a baby.
You moved back in with your mom.
Yeah, I think about those things a lot.
It's kind of overwhelming to hear them together.
Mmm. Great job, Becky.
Way to burden her with all the traumas that she's been through
but give her none of the tools that she needs.
She's gotta process all the crap that she's been through, Jackie.
She doesn't even know how bad her life is.
Why do you think I'm in such a hurry to give her real help?
If we don't do it soon, God knows what could happen.
What are you talking about? What's gonna happen?
We won't know unless we explore the core beliefs
that are contributing to her thoughts being so distorted.
You're right. My-- My thinking does feel distorted.
Dig, dig, dig. Who cares? We need action.
We need to get her out of this dark hole right now.
The only way out is through.
Yes, I got that T-shirt at the Cracker Barrel too.
You know, guys, none of this is really helping.
That's because we haven't gotten to the hard stuff.
Her parents getting divorced, missing out on college.
I don't feel too good. I'm kind of lightheaded.
Look what you're doing to her.
Are you okay?
Are you having a hard time catching your breath?
Yeah, a little.
-Oh. -I'm kinda shaky.
Y-Y-You know, you do look kinda pale.
Um, let's go to urgent care to be on the safe side.
Yeah, well, that's what I was just gonna suggest
if you let me get a word in edgewise.
Hey, you're home. I'm so pumped.
Whoa. [laughs]
You're a little loud and excited and pumped with what? [laughs]
Well, I-I just threw down three triple-shot lattes.
-Three? [laughs] -Yeah.
You weigh, like, 60 pounds. You're the size of a latte.
What-- I think that's too much caffeine for you.
Well, maybe, but I am not falling asleep tonight.
I am up and I'm ready!
Whoa! [laughing]
You are sweating like Doc Holiday in Tombstone.
[laughs] So, let's get this party started. Shirts stay on, drop the pants.
Oh, well-- Uh-uh. We can't do that.
We'll look like a couple of toddlers at the beach.
A couple of toddlers about to have sex at the beach.
Okay. Whoa! No, okay? This wasn't working before that image.
So, let's just-- Let's just try and do this another night
when you start blinking again.
No. No, we have to do this tonight.
This is the only time we have.
And if we don't do it tonight, then we're not gonna do it tomorrow
and we're gonna drift apart.
And then you're gonna meet some woman at the bar
who's gonna ask you to install a bookshelf for her.
And then you're gonna be having sex with Gail.
And yes, I know her name is gonna be Gail.
Okay.
Darlene, stop and just talk to me.
Okay. Well, Becky says that couples that spend too much time apart break up,
and she wasn't saying it to be mean.
She was actually saying it out of concern, which was very unsettling.
Oh. Hey. All right.
Look, I know we're going through a rough patch, but this is not the way to fix it.
Okay, then how do we fix it? We have to fix it.
I don't know. I-- We could be doing this for a while.
Or until you run through a screen door and disappear into the woods.
Okay, that-- that's not gonna happen. But I need you to sit with me for a minute
because I can feel my heart beating in my feet.
Oh.
No, I can't sit. We gotta walk around.
Yeah. [straining] Okay.
Well, you're going pretty fast,
so how about I just follow you in the car?
Thanks for coming in early to help me get this cafeteria order out.
I can't believe we gave Harris a panic attack.
I know. I feel terrible.
I violated my sacred oath of being a life coach.
It's in Latin.
It translates roughly to, um,
"At least leave everybody l-- how--
l-like-- like how what they were."
[Jackie] Hey.
Hey, how you feeling?
I'm fine now. Sorry I'm so late.
Urgent care gave me a referral to a clinic,
and I took the first appointment this morning.
Okay. So what'd they say?
Well... [sighs] ...she said that,
basically, what I've been going through the last year is most likely ADHD.
The doctor said a lot of times girls don't get diagnosed as kids like boys do.
So, when they're adults, they don't know what's going on,
and they blame themselves for falling short.
That is true. That does happen.
No. No, too late. You blew it. Move on.
We talked for a long time. And the first thing she recommended
is that I stop talking to a psych student and a life coach.
Well, usually colleagues support each other.
Did she prescribe any meds for you?
She gave me a referral to a specialist who will charge me on a sliding scale
and give me some coping skills.
Okay. All right. Well, see, that's a good thing.
Now you have the tools, and you can manage this.
You can do your job, yeah?
Although one doctor sending you to another doctor?
Uh, this feels a little bit like a pyramid scheme.
Ugh. Morning role-play. Gross.
Yellowstone.
It never ends.
There's so many prequels it's eventually just gonna be cavemen in Montana.
Uh. So, listen, I gotta talk to you about something.
I-I'm sorry to ask, but I don't know what else to do.
No, he is not working any of Ben's shifts at night.
Louise, I get it. I-I understand you want to spend time with your husband,
but I want to spend time with mine too.
And I'm really afraid of what's gonna happen if I don't.
Honey, I'd love to help you, but I made a promise to Louise.
And that's important to me.
We should be spending this time of our lives together.
Coming over here to ask you this was the last thing I wanted to do.
I know I've already asked for so much from you, but I'm desperate.
Honey, I'd love to help you, and I'm sorry your marriage is dissolving.
But I want to spend as much time as I can with her.
O-Okay.
I-I-I don't want to cause problems with you guys,
but my marriage is kind of new,
and I don't know if it can withstand the strain of this.
Oh, honey, it would be so different
if Louise weren't an angel in human form...
-All right. -...sent down from above--
All right. Go ahead. Work a couple of late shifts.
God, Louise. We promised we'd spend time together.
Why the sudden turn?
You know, you parents all have the same disease.
If your kids are miserable, you're gonna be miserable too.
A couple of nights a week help?
Oh, my God. You saved us.
I gotta hug you.
[Louise] Oh.
We've been through some stuff and I know sometimes
that you feel I'm too busy for us,
but I am always thinking of you and always loving you.
And I just felt like I had to tell you that before you're gone.
Who are you talking to?
Not what you think.
I love them, but I'm not in love with them.
[baby giggles]