We are gathered here today to commemorate Jackie'’s retirement from The Lunch Box
and the smooth transfer of power to Harris.
-[Ben] Yay. -[Mark] Yeah.
Yeah. Ever since I was a little girl I had a dream,
and it died with a lot of others.
And then this came along, so... [sighs] ...thanks, everyone.
This is also a significant occasion,
because Jackie is the first member of the family ever to retire.
-[Mark] Wow. -[Neville] Hey.
You'’re absolutely right.
Generations of Conners have been shunned, exiled, run out of town on a rail
and killed in industrial accidents where liquor was found to be a cause.
But never, never retired.
-There we are. -[all cheer]
Wow, Sis. Look at us. Burger slinger and janitor.
Who would'’ve thought we'd both be living our dreams?
I'’ll tell ya who: your mother, the lunch lady.
-[laughs] -Speech!
-[Neville and Becky] Speech! Speech! -No!
-Yeah. Speech. -[Jackie] No.
No. I wouldn'’t even know what to say.
Oh, God.
All right. Oka-- I'’ll skip to the last card.
"...happy and excited because retiring will give me what I want most:
spending more time with Neville."
-[Neville and Becky] Aw. -[Jackie laughs]
I would also like to announce
I'’ve finally hired a new vet to cover me at the clinic,
so Jackie and I could spend as much time as possible together.
-Aw. -Hey. That'’s great, Neville.
Gosh, I'’m sure there aren't that many big animal vets in Lanford.
I got lucky.
He'’s got a solid education, a good attitude
and, surprisingly, a long list of animal allergies.
But I guess that'’s what those little white pills he pops are for. [chuckles]
Anyway, I was under a lot of pressure, and I got a really good feeling about him.
Oh, sorry.
I was working on my school board campaign, and I completely lost track of time.
Hey. Uh...
do you guys mind if I show you somethin'’?
Yeah.
Hey. Yeah. Hardware Magazine.
Make sure you hide this under your mattress
before your mom comes into your room.
My union buddy owns it,
and he asked me if I'’d write an article
about the life of a small-town hardware store.
[inhales] You believe that?
-[chuckling] No, not really. -[Darlene chuckles]
I mean, that'’s nuts. What about you says "writer"?
Like, last thing you wrote was "wash me" on a dirty car window.
I don'’t do that anymore.
Now I write, "If only your wife was this dirty."
[chuckling] Well, my mistake, Shakespeare.
It was nice of the guy to ask you, but you'’re gonna say no, right?
I told him I'’d think about it.
You'’re actually considering this?
[chuckling] I know writing is your thing,
but there'’s no reason it can'’t be my thing too.
[scoffing] I mean, how hard is it?
It'’s like talking, just with a pencil.
[chuckling] Well, I look forward to reading your pencil talking.
This is not my first time in-print, you know.
I actually had a quote that made it in the newspapers.
Oh, I remember that. You ran into a goalpost.
You were out for 12 hours, and when you woke up in the hospital,
you said to the reporter, "That big yellow guy'’s really strong."
[Jackie] The Conners is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
Oh, hey. I brought you some Salisbury steaks from work.
They'’re, uh, past their expiration date,
so if you can eat them in the next, like, day or so, that'’d be safest.
Perfect. I'’m busy with my writing,
so I don'’t have time to cook.
Would you guys like to read what I'’ve done so far?
I'’d love to.
It'’s just the opening, but I think you'’ll see why it took some time.
[Darlene] Mmm.
Did you get to the joke yet?
Uh-- Oh-- Oh, yes. [chuckling] So funny. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, so funny.
-[Ben] Uh. -[Darlene chuckles]
Yeah. Okay. Uh-huh. Yeah, here it is.
-Right there at the end. Mmm. -[Darlene] It'’s right at the beginning. Oh, yeah.
-The beginning of the end. -[Ben] The end of the beginning.
Well, it'’s the same. Yeah, it'’s-- it's in-- it'’s in there.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
It'’s the one in the middle.
Oh. Very good.
It'’s unanimous! I'’ve earned myself a brewski.
[chuckling] Oh-- Oh, my God.
When he said the opening, he meant the literal opening of the store.
"Eight o'’clock.
-I walk in, turn on the lights... -[sighs]
...and flip the closed sign to open.
If I don'’t, people will think it'’s closed,
which I'’ve done a couple of times."
-Is that the joke? [chuckling] Which one-- -[laughing]
[laughing] Which one is the joke?
[laughing] I don'’t know.
[scoffs] Oh, my God. Well, we'’ve got to help him.
-This is, like-- -No. No. No.
This is your dad'’s thing, okay?
Look, they had two people to pick from to write this article.
One who'’s a professional writer,
and one who'’s a guy that ran into a goalpost.
Oh. Am I sensing a tinge of professional jealousy?
Hell yes. I'’m just as surprised as you are.
I mean, I thought I could be cool and generous about it,
but I hate that it'’s happening for him and not for me.
Come on. You are so much better than a hardware magazine.
-[grunts] -Did you see their feature story?
"Shake that Can: How to Blend Your Paint."
Look, just do me a favor.
-Be the bigger person and help him. -[sighs]
You know, make sure he doesn'’t embarrass himself.
[huffs] Well, I did help him pay his mortgage
and make him partner in my business, so I guess I had this coming.
Hey. How come you wanted to meet here for lunch?
-Uh, I wanted to talk outside the office. -Mmm.
[sighs] I had to let the new vet go.
We had seven horse tranquilizers
in our med cabinet before he started,
and now there'’s only three, and we haven'’t had a single horse come through.
-Mmm. -Anyway... [sighs] ...for right now,
you can just keep coming to the clinic with me.
I mean, you'’ve been having fun, right?
Neville, I was okay with it because you told me it was temporary.
As much as I love you, I don'’t consider it quality time
to hold down a pig'’s feet during surgery.
Can'’t you take a little time off? Huh?
-[Neville] I know, I-- -But, I mean, I-- I-I retired for you.
I wish I could, but these are my prime earning years.
And I-- I can'’t take off without someone there to cover for me.
-[phone buzzes] -[sighs]
[Jackie] Mmm.
It'’s already happening.
There was a four-horse collision at Hawthorne,
and we only have three tranquilizers.
-[Jackie groans] -Sorry, hon.
-I'’ll see you at home. -[groans]
You okay?
Well, I gave up the restaurant to be with Neville.
He'’s not even gonna be free.
Suddenly I just have nothing to do with my time.
-Well, don'’t you have any hobbies? -[sighs] Yeah.
Sure. After I'’m on my feet for 14 straight hours,
I love to mountain climb and play a couple of rounds of golf at the club.
Ah, you see there?
-Your hobby is being a bitch. -[grunts]
Sorry. It'’s just that I'm gonna wake up tomorrow morning
and stare at a whole day with nothing to do.
No business. No husband.
Nothing left to do but die.
Well, there you go.
No. Louise, come on. You gotta help me.
You can'’t be pretty and selfish. It makes you unlikable.
Okay. These posters are hot off the press
-from the school print shop. -Ooh.
Oh. Thank you, Mark. You'’re a lifesaver.
-"Our kids deserve... -[Louise sighs]
...Lousie."
Oh, damn it. I didn'’t have a chance to proof it.
I'’m trying to do so many things at once. I'’m-I'm just overwhelmed.
Sounds like you could use some help.
-No. -No. Hey, look-- look-- No, no.
Your plate is full.
You got a free family member now.
I can do whatever you need.
I don'’t like to work with relatives.
Well, Mark was helping you.
No. I-I-I was trying to be nice.
I just don'’t wanna do this with you. We are oil and water.
That'’s a very underrated dressing.
And if I stay, I'’m sure I'll have to testify against one of you, so bye.
-[Louise sighs] -Come on.
Come on. We work together all the time.
I just-- [sighs] I need something to distract me from missing Neville.
-No. Forget about it. -[inhales]
We always end up butting heads.
Yeah. Well, that'’s 'cause, you know, I didn'’t want you to replace my sister.
And you didn'’t want me to marry your brother.
But we got drunk and swept it under the carpet,
so there'’s no way it could bother us now.
Okay.
I do need somebody to help me answer emails from parents.
I got this one from a guy
who said he would vote for me if I would send him a video of me hula-hooping
-in a leopard bra. -Mmm.
And they say that dads never get involved.
-[Louise] See you tonight, Becky. -Okay.
Okay. What'’s tonight?
Oh, um, I'’m gonna go see
Louise in action at the parents'’ meeting.
She and her opponents are doing a meet-the-candidates kind of thing.
Oh, okay. Well, I guess I should be there too,
now that I'’m her Chief Communications Officer.
I thought you were just answering her emails.
I'’ll just go listen to her speak and maybe offer some tips.
As Lanford'’s leading life coach,
I'’ve had to address large crowds on occasion.
Usually demanding their money back.
And they were all able to stand up for themselves,
because they had a hell of a life coach.
Looking out for the best interest of Lanford schoolchildren
is not a job I take lightly.
I'’m a step-grandma, so I have a dog in this hunt.
How do you think she'’s doing? I thought that was a pretty good speech.
It'’s a smoking hole in the ground.
There'’s no pizzazz. She'’s playin' it safe.
You know their positions.
-What'’s her opponent's big pitch? -[whispering] Oh.
She'’s pushing free breakfast for poor kids.
Hungry kids. Damn it, that'’s genius.
Does anyone have any questions for Ms. Goldufski?
Watch this. Yes. I have a question for the candidate.
Um, is it true that your opponent is using hungry children as clickbait
for her increasingly desperate campaign? Thank you.
I would rather discuss my campaign,
and I would rather discuss it with somebody else.
Firm but fair. Firm but fair.
Ms. Smallwood, would you like to respond to that?
I love children. I would never use them as clickbait.
I don'’t even have a computer. I use my grandson'’s.
Mmm. Afraid of technology.
AI'’s coming. We all have to deal with it.
Kids need help, not gonna get it from this Amish lady.
I'’m a little afraid to ask this,
but are there any more questions for either candidate?
Yes, I do. I have a question for Ms. Goldufski'’s opponent.
-No, you don'’t. No, you don't. -[Jackie sniffs]
Is it true that, uh, you don'’t love America?
Okay. I'’m out.
Uh, bye, person I'’ve never met before.
Of course. I love America.
I just wanna say that my opponent is a decent person
who also only wants the best for our kids.
Look at this. A woman who'’s got another woman's back.
She'’s the real deal, folks, with a heart of "gold-ufski".
[Ben] Hey.
How'’s it going?
Actually, I'’m testing batteries
while coming up with ideas for my writing.
I picked up a book called How to Write.
It says if you take breaks and do chores, your brain will bubble up ideas.
Mmm. Just like that, huh?
Did you know you'’re always writing, even when you'’re just living?
[chuckles] Actually not.
For Conners, you'’re barely living when you'’re just living.
Uh, look. [clears throat]
Your daughter, who loves you very much, is worried about you.
And so, she said, "Ben, you'’re a writer.
Why don'’t you go over there, see if my dad could use any help."
So, being a writer, I said, "Sure." How can I help?
I appreciate it, but I'’m good.
How far along are you?
I'’m still on the first paragraph.
I came up with some other stuff, but it wasn'’t as good so I threw it away.
Ah. Hey, look. I-I get the kind of pressure you'’re feeling.
You'’re not used to doing this kind of stuff.
You'’re worried about embarrassing yourself. [inhales deeply]
What, you think I'’m so stupid I'’m gonna embarrass myself?
I didn'’t mean it like that, okay?
You'’re not stupid. You're just, you know, you'’re not a writer.
Every time I hear you say that, all I hear is "you'’re a moron."
What'’s the matter? Are you mad
'’cause they picked the dumb drywall guy instead of the failed writer?
[sighs] You know what? Screw you, old man. God.
You know, you wanna write about a small-town hardware store?
You ought to tell them about how hard it is
working with your pig-headed father-in-law who thinks he knows everything
but doesn'’t know that flipping a closed sign is not a joke.
-That wasn'’t the joke. -[grunts]
-Any real writer would know that. -[grunts]
So we need to find some dirt on Louise'’s opponent.
There'’s something evil lurking under that Chico'’s sweater set. I know it.
I'’m-- I'm kind of uncomfortable with this.
She'’s a widow who works at an animal rescue,
an-and she'’s lived in the same district for over 60 years.
Never successful enough to move on.
Hey. We were waiting for you.
-What took you so long? -There were hours of questions.
Mostly about you.
Mission accomplished. Campaign'’s got buzz.
You had that poor woman in tears.
Oh. We can use that.
Mark, write this down.
Is spontaneous crying a sure sign of mental illness?
-What? -Mmm. It'’s the trick.
They can'’t argue against your facts if you pose them as a question.
They do it on Ancient Aliens all the time.
"Did the Ancient Aliens come to Earth and build the Pyramids of Tulum
as an energy source for their death ray?"
You were only supposed to answer emails.
What the hell were you even doing there?
Thank God I was there. You were getting your ass kicked.
-Right, Mark? -I-I wasn'’t there.
Well, let me phrase that differently. Was Mark there?
You'’re fired.
Okay, just t-tell me what you want.
That'’s the way I'’ll run your campaign.
You are not running my campaign.
Well, no. Not with you interfering all the time.
No. Not ever. You'’re done.
That job was my life.
It was six hours.
That changed the world.
-Hey. [sighs] What you writing? -Hey.
Uh, an article about a small-town hardware store.
It'’s about how mom and pop shops are the center of community life
and how we can'’t just let that fade away.
Well, you were supposed to help him, not write it for him.
Oh, this isn'’t for him.
But he'’s gonna see it.
Ah, you were asleep when I got home last night,
but he called me a failed writer.
Oh, crap. I'’m sorry.
No need. I'’m gonna shove this great piece in his face
and show him who'’s not a failed writer.
Uh, look. I don'’t know why you think you'’re competing with my dad.
I mean, he'’s a smart guy but he wouldn'’t know good writing.
He'’s still surprised that Garfield doesn'’t like Mondays.
I think you are trying to prove something to yourself.
Hmm. And piss off your dad.
But what you really wanna do is say to the world,
"Hey, I'’m still a great writer."
And piss off your dad.
Can'’t you just know how talented you are and let it go?
Will that piss off your dad?
Yes.
Especially if you keep it all inside.
[inhales deeply] Uh-- [stammers] It is good.
Yeah. And I know it, and that'’ll have to be enough.
[sighs] You'’re such a reasonable person.
What happened to the petty, vindictive Darlene I fell in love with?
She'’s inside and I know it and that'’s enough.
She just fired me on the spot,
and I was only trying to help her where she needed it, which was everywhere.
Honey, I-I know us not spending as much time together was a curveball.
Naturally, you wanted to throw yourself into something
but you kind of ran Louise over.
Well, it'’s hard for me to sit back and watch people do things wrong.
Harris, you'’re not putting enough pepper in the stew.
My taste buds haven'’t been dulled with age,
so I'’m seasoning it for people who didn'’t fight in the Great War.
If you wanna do something in your retirement,
you may have to consider not being the general
and just being a good soldier.
Like I am in our marriage.
Yeah, maybe you'’re right.
But you really feel like you'’re the soldier in our marriage?
How would you like me to answer that?
You mean, "How would you like me to answer that, sir?"
Then the answer would be, "Yes, sir."
-Permission to approach your lips, sir. -Aw. [chuckles]
Hey.
Take that nonsense out of my restaurant.
Hey, Louise.
Louise, can we talk?
[sighs] Nothing to talk about.
Look. Look, you-- you had every right to fire me.
I think I just got caught up in trying to be in charge of everything.
[sighs] It-- It'’s always hard with us.
I can'’t help but feeling that you resent me for some reason.
Well, I think maybe it'’s because I resent everything about you.
I mean, everything comes so easily for you.
You retired and you immediately found something fulfilling to do.
I have one free day, I make a widow cry, and I'’m banned from the library.
Well, it'’s not all a bed of roses.
Last night I had to fire a crazy staff worker.
Well, now that I'’m figuring this out, um...
[sniffs] ...maybe it might be nice if we spend some time together.
Like, I don'’t know, like maybe if I was working for you or something?
I am looking for someone who won'’t derail my campaign.
Huh. Well, I don'’t have any experience in that
but, um, I'’m willing to learn.
Dan, I know you'’re mad at me but something'’s happened and we need to talk.
Did you forget to tell me you were a writer one more time?
[Ben sighs]
I'’m sorry, okay?
I didn'’t think you could do the article,
but I should have just helped and kept my mouth shut.
You'’d think being married to me, you'’d know that instinctively.
Look, I didn'’t mean to insult you, all right?
I was just going through some stuff and I kind of took it out on you.
[sighs] Uh.
I guess I got a little defensive myself
'’cause I was so busy trying to prove to myself
that I could have been someone more than a guy that swings a hammer
or hangs drywall. Hmm.
Well, you must be more than that. You got a hot wife.
It'’s weird when you say that.
Uh. So, look.
I just got a call from the editor of Hardware Magazine,
and they want me to do a monthly column based on the article I wrote.
I was just trying to prove that I could still do it.
I didn'’t know Darlene was gonna send it in.
And before you get any madder, let me just remind you,
Louise has it going on.
I didn'’t send it in.
I did.
Wait, what?
It was so good Darlene wanted me to see it,
and she was right.
You deserve that article, not me.
You'’re a damn fine failed writer.
Well, thank you. Gosh.
And, hey, don'’t beat yourself up either.
You were at a disadvantage trying to learn from that stupid writing book.
I googled the author.
He'’s worth $50 million.
I am not having sex with you until you write a stupid book about writing.
And people will just press on the drill
trying to put a hole in the cinder block.
But what they don'’t know... [chuckles] ...is they need a masonry bit.
Aha. Aha.
You know what'’s really, really fascinating?
You can use a masonry bit on tile.
All you gotta do is turn the RPMs down a little bit.
You keep talking about hardware,
you'’re gonna hear all my retirement speech.
I swear to God.
[baby giggles]