1 00:00:03,865 --> 00:00:09,423 We are gathered here today to commemorate Jackie'’s retirement from The Lunch Box 2 00:00:09,526 --> 00:00:12,909 and the smooth transfer of power to Harris. 3 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:15,222 -[Ben] Yay. -[Mark] Yeah. 4 00:00:15,325 --> 00:00:18,466 Yeah. Ever since I was a little girl I had a dream, 5 00:00:18,570 --> 00:00:19,881 and it died with a lot of others. 6 00:00:19,985 --> 00:00:22,815 And then this came along, so... [sighs] ...thanks, everyone. 7 00:00:23,989 --> 00:00:26,095 This is also a significant occasion, 8 00:00:26,198 --> 00:00:32,411 because Jackie is the first member of the family ever to retire. 9 00:00:32,515 --> 00:00:34,413 -[Mark] Wow. -[Neville] Hey. 10 00:00:34,517 --> 00:00:36,070 You'’re absolutely right. 11 00:00:36,174 --> 00:00:40,626 Generations of Conners have been shunned, exiled, run out of town on a rail 12 00:00:40,730 --> 00:00:44,147 and killed in industrial accidents where liquor was found to be a cause. 13 00:00:44,975 --> 00:00:47,116 But never, never retired. 14 00:00:48,772 --> 00:00:51,292 -There we are. -[all cheer] 15 00:00:51,396 --> 00:00:54,468 Wow, Sis. Look at us. Burger slinger and janitor. 16 00:00:54,571 --> 00:00:56,608 Who would'’ve thought we'd both be living our dreams? 17 00:00:57,781 --> 00:01:00,336 I'’ll tell ya who: your mother, the lunch lady. 18 00:01:01,647 --> 00:01:03,063 -[laughs] -Speech! 19 00:01:03,166 --> 00:01:04,581 -[Neville and Becky] Speech! Speech! -No! 20 00:01:04,685 --> 00:01:06,100 -Yeah. Speech. -[Jackie] No. 21 00:01:06,204 --> 00:01:08,033 No. I wouldn'’t even know what to say. 22 00:01:08,137 --> 00:01:09,414 Oh, God. 23 00:01:09,517 --> 00:01:12,520 All right. Oka-- I'’ll skip to the last card. 24 00:01:12,624 --> 00:01:16,455 "...happy and excited because retiring will give me what I want most: 25 00:01:16,559 --> 00:01:18,457 spending more time with Neville." 26 00:01:18,561 --> 00:01:19,976 -[Neville and Becky] Aw. -[Jackie laughs] 27 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,840 I would also like to announce 28 00:01:21,943 --> 00:01:25,050 I'’ve finally hired a new vet to cover me at the clinic, 29 00:01:25,154 --> 00:01:28,640 so Jackie and I could spend as much time as possible together. 30 00:01:28,743 --> 00:01:30,504 -Aw. -Hey. That'’s great, Neville. 31 00:01:30,607 --> 00:01:33,714 Gosh, I'’m sure there aren't that many big animal vets in Lanford. 32 00:01:33,817 --> 00:01:35,060 I got lucky. 33 00:01:35,164 --> 00:01:38,374 He'’s got a solid education, a good attitude 34 00:01:38,477 --> 00:01:41,997 and, surprisingly, a long list of animal allergies. 35 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:46,520 But I guess that'’s what those little white pills he pops are for. [chuckles] 36 00:01:46,622 --> 00:01:49,661 Anyway, I was under a lot of pressure, and I got a really good feeling about him. 37 00:01:52,526 --> 00:01:54,148 Oh, sorry. 38 00:01:54,252 --> 00:01:59,015 I was working on my school board campaign, and I completely lost track of time. 39 00:01:59,740 --> 00:02:00,741 Hey. Uh... 40 00:02:02,812 --> 00:02:04,503 do you guys mind if I show you somethin'’? 41 00:02:04,607 --> 00:02:05,573 Yeah. 42 00:02:06,540 --> 00:02:09,163 Hey. Yeah. Hardware Magazine. 43 00:02:09,267 --> 00:02:10,853 Make sure you hide this under your mattress 44 00:02:10,958 --> 00:02:12,408 before your mom comes into your room. 45 00:02:13,685 --> 00:02:14,858 My union buddy owns it, 46 00:02:14,962 --> 00:02:16,584 and he asked me if I'’d write an article 47 00:02:16,688 --> 00:02:19,035 about the life of a small-town hardware store. 48 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,485 [inhales] You believe that? 49 00:02:20,588 --> 00:02:22,694 -[chuckling] No, not really. -[Darlene chuckles] 50 00:02:22,797 --> 00:02:25,662 I mean, that'’s nuts. What about you says "writer"? 51 00:02:25,766 --> 00:02:29,149 Like, last thing you wrote was "wash me" on a dirty car window. 52 00:02:30,011 --> 00:02:32,186 I don'’t do that anymore. 53 00:02:32,290 --> 00:02:35,430 Now I write, "If only your wife was this dirty." 54 00:02:35,534 --> 00:02:38,123 [chuckling] Well, my mistake, Shakespeare. 55 00:02:38,227 --> 00:02:40,505 It was nice of the guy to ask you, but you'’re gonna say no, right? 56 00:02:40,608 --> 00:02:42,023 I told him I'’d think about it. 57 00:02:42,127 --> 00:02:43,680 You'’re actually considering this? 58 00:02:43,784 --> 00:02:46,166 [chuckling] I know writing is your thing, 59 00:02:46,269 --> 00:02:49,065 but there'’s no reason it can'’t be my thing too. 60 00:02:49,168 --> 00:02:51,101 [scoffing] I mean, how hard is it? 61 00:02:51,204 --> 00:02:52,862 It'’s like talking, just with a pencil. 62 00:02:54,381 --> 00:02:58,039 [chuckling] Well, I look forward to reading your pencil talking. 63 00:02:59,558 --> 00:03:02,078 This is not my first time in-print, you know. 64 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,253 I actually had a quote that made it in the newspapers. 65 00:03:04,356 --> 00:03:07,290 Oh, I remember that. You ran into a goalpost. 66 00:03:07,394 --> 00:03:10,293 You were out for 12 hours, and when you woke up in the hospital, 67 00:03:10,397 --> 00:03:13,710 you said to the reporter, "That big yellow guy'’s really strong." 68 00:03:37,665 --> 00:03:39,079 [Jackie] The Conners is recorded 69 00:03:39,184 --> 00:03:40,461 in front of a live studio audience. 70 00:03:40,565 --> 00:03:44,120 Oh, hey. I brought you some Salisbury steaks from work. 71 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:46,156 They'’re, uh, past their expiration date, 72 00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:49,643 so if you can eat them in the next, like, day or so, that'’d be safest. 73 00:03:51,091 --> 00:03:53,129 Perfect. I'’m busy with my writing, 74 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,786 so I don'’t have time to cook. 75 00:03:56,166 --> 00:03:58,617 Would you guys like to read what I'’ve done so far? 76 00:03:59,584 --> 00:04:01,862 I'’d love to. 77 00:04:01,965 --> 00:04:05,279 It'’s just the opening, but I think you'’ll see why it took some time. 78 00:04:07,868 --> 00:04:08,869 [Darlene] Mmm. 79 00:04:10,422 --> 00:04:11,665 Did you get to the joke yet? 80 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:17,533 Uh-- Oh-- Oh, yes. [chuckling] So funny. Oh, yeah. 81 00:04:17,636 --> 00:04:19,707 Yeah, so funny. 82 00:04:19,810 --> 00:04:21,053 -[Ben] Uh. -[Darlene chuckles] 83 00:04:21,156 --> 00:04:23,228 Yeah. Okay. Uh-huh. Yeah, here it is. 84 00:04:23,332 --> 00:04:26,335 -Right there at the end. Mmm. -[Darlene] It'’s right at the beginning. Oh, yeah. 85 00:04:26,438 --> 00:04:29,061 -The beginning of the end. -[Ben] The end of the beginning. 86 00:04:29,165 --> 00:04:31,995 Well, it'’s the same. Yeah, it'’s-- it's in-- it'’s in there. 87 00:04:32,099 --> 00:04:33,065 Yeah, yeah. Yeah. 88 00:04:33,894 --> 00:04:35,033 It'’s the one in the middle. 89 00:04:35,516 --> 00:04:37,069 Oh. Very good. 90 00:04:38,347 --> 00:04:41,315 It'’s unanimous! I'’ve earned myself a brewski. 91 00:04:44,870 --> 00:04:46,907 [chuckling] Oh-- Oh, my God. 92 00:04:47,010 --> 00:04:51,498 When he said the opening, he meant the literal opening of the store. 93 00:04:51,601 --> 00:04:52,982 "Eight o'’clock. 94 00:04:53,085 --> 00:04:55,502 -I walk in, turn on the lights... -[sighs] 95 00:04:55,605 --> 00:04:57,849 ...and flip the closed sign to open. 96 00:04:58,884 --> 00:05:01,853 If I don'’t, people will think it'’s closed, 97 00:05:01,956 --> 00:05:03,717 which I'’ve done a couple of times." 98 00:05:05,684 --> 00:05:08,169 -Is that the joke? [chuckling] Which one-- -[laughing] 99 00:05:09,067 --> 00:05:11,518 [laughing] Which one is the joke? 100 00:05:11,621 --> 00:05:12,898 [laughing] I don'’t know. 101 00:05:13,002 --> 00:05:15,280 [scoffs] Oh, my God. Well, we'’ve got to help him. 102 00:05:16,246 --> 00:05:18,904 -This is, like-- -No. No. No. 103 00:05:19,008 --> 00:05:21,735 This is your dad'’s thing, okay? 104 00:05:21,838 --> 00:05:25,221 Look, they had two people to pick from to write this article. 105 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,912 One who'’s a professional writer, 106 00:05:27,016 --> 00:05:30,364 and one who'’s a guy that ran into a goalpost. 107 00:05:31,676 --> 00:05:35,024 Oh. Am I sensing a tinge of professional jealousy? 108 00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:38,268 Hell yes. I'’m just as surprised as you are. 109 00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:41,789 I mean, I thought I could be cool and generous about it, 110 00:05:41,893 --> 00:05:44,930 but I hate that it'’s happening for him and not for me. 111 00:05:46,276 --> 00:05:49,245 Come on. You are so much better than a hardware magazine. 112 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,109 -[grunts] -Did you see their feature story? 113 00:05:51,212 --> 00:05:54,250 "Shake that Can: How to Blend Your Paint." 114 00:05:56,425 --> 00:05:58,875 Look, just do me a favor. 115 00:05:58,979 --> 00:06:01,430 -Be the bigger person and help him. -[sighs] 116 00:06:01,533 --> 00:06:03,639 You know, make sure he doesn'’t embarrass himself. 117 00:06:03,742 --> 00:06:06,987 [huffs] Well, I did help him pay his mortgage 118 00:06:07,090 --> 00:06:11,750 and make him partner in my business, so I guess I had this coming. 119 00:06:15,271 --> 00:06:17,963 Hey. How come you wanted to meet here for lunch? 120 00:06:18,067 --> 00:06:21,657 -Uh, I wanted to talk outside the office. -Mmm. 121 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,142 [sighs] I had to let the new vet go. 122 00:06:25,143 --> 00:06:27,007 We had seven horse tranquilizers 123 00:06:27,110 --> 00:06:29,734 in our med cabinet before he started, 124 00:06:29,837 --> 00:06:32,840 and now there'’s only three, and we haven'’t had a single horse come through. 125 00:06:32,944 --> 00:06:35,498 -Mmm. -Anyway... [sighs] ...for right now, 126 00:06:35,602 --> 00:06:37,673 you can just keep coming to the clinic with me. 127 00:06:37,776 --> 00:06:39,260 I mean, you'’ve been having fun, right? 128 00:06:39,364 --> 00:06:42,919 Neville, I was okay with it because you told me it was temporary. 129 00:06:43,023 --> 00:06:46,578 As much as I love you, I don'’t consider it quality time 130 00:06:46,682 --> 00:06:48,994 to hold down a pig'’s feet during surgery. 131 00:06:49,995 --> 00:06:52,342 Can'’t you take a little time off? Huh? 132 00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:56,312 -[Neville] I know, I-- -But, I mean, I-- I-I retired for you. 133 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:59,832 I wish I could, but these are my prime earning years. 134 00:06:59,936 --> 00:07:03,457 And I-- I can'’t take off without someone there to cover for me. 135 00:07:03,561 --> 00:07:04,700 -[phone buzzes] -[sighs] 136 00:07:05,528 --> 00:07:06,529 [Jackie] Mmm. 137 00:07:06,633 --> 00:07:08,013 It'’s already happening. 138 00:07:08,117 --> 00:07:10,499 There was a four-horse collision at Hawthorne, 139 00:07:10,602 --> 00:07:12,328 and we only have three tranquilizers. 140 00:07:13,398 --> 00:07:14,468 -[Jackie groans] -Sorry, hon. 141 00:07:14,572 --> 00:07:16,194 -I'’ll see you at home. -[groans] 142 00:07:17,989 --> 00:07:19,162 You okay? 143 00:07:19,266 --> 00:07:21,164 Well, I gave up the restaurant to be with Neville. 144 00:07:21,268 --> 00:07:22,649 He'’s not even gonna be free. 145 00:07:22,752 --> 00:07:25,721 Suddenly I just have nothing to do with my time. 146 00:07:25,824 --> 00:07:28,655 -Well, don'’t you have any hobbies? -[sighs] Yeah. 147 00:07:28,758 --> 00:07:31,381 Sure. After I'’m on my feet for 14 straight hours, 148 00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:34,661 I love to mountain climb and play a couple of rounds of golf at the club. 149 00:07:34,764 --> 00:07:35,972 Ah, you see there? 150 00:07:36,076 --> 00:07:38,319 -Your hobby is being a bitch. -[grunts] 151 00:07:39,562 --> 00:07:42,013 Sorry. It'’s just that I'm gonna wake up tomorrow morning 152 00:07:42,116 --> 00:07:44,636 and stare at a whole day with nothing to do. 153 00:07:44,740 --> 00:07:46,534 No business. No husband. 154 00:07:46,638 --> 00:07:48,571 Nothing left to do but die. 155 00:07:49,986 --> 00:07:50,987 Well, there you go. 156 00:07:51,091 --> 00:07:53,680 No. Louise, come on. You gotta help me. 157 00:07:53,783 --> 00:07:56,545 You can'’t be pretty and selfish. It makes you unlikable. 158 00:07:57,753 --> 00:08:00,065 Okay. These posters are hot off the press 159 00:08:00,169 --> 00:08:02,240 -from the school print shop. -Ooh. 160 00:08:02,343 --> 00:08:05,036 Oh. Thank you, Mark. You'’re a lifesaver. 161 00:08:05,139 --> 00:08:07,590 -"Our kids deserve... -[Louise sighs] 162 00:08:07,694 --> 00:08:08,764 ...Lousie." 163 00:08:08,867 --> 00:08:12,492 Oh, damn it. I didn'’t have a chance to proof it. 164 00:08:12,595 --> 00:08:16,081 I'’m trying to do so many things at once. I'’m-I'm just overwhelmed. 165 00:08:16,185 --> 00:08:17,566 Sounds like you could use some help. 166 00:08:18,946 --> 00:08:21,293 -No. -No. Hey, look-- look-- No, no. 167 00:08:21,397 --> 00:08:22,502 Your plate is full. 168 00:08:22,605 --> 00:08:24,469 You got a free family member now. 169 00:08:24,573 --> 00:08:26,195 I can do whatever you need. 170 00:08:26,298 --> 00:08:28,784 I don'’t like to work with relatives. 171 00:08:28,887 --> 00:08:30,130 Well, Mark was helping you. 172 00:08:31,683 --> 00:08:33,857 No. I-I-I was trying to be nice. 173 00:08:33,961 --> 00:08:37,447 I just don'’t wanna do this with you. We are oil and water. 174 00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:40,243 That'’s a very underrated dressing. 175 00:08:40,347 --> 00:08:44,558 And if I stay, I'’m sure I'll have to testify against one of you, so bye. 176 00:08:44,662 --> 00:08:46,146 -[Louise sighs] -Come on. 177 00:08:46,249 --> 00:08:48,217 Come on. We work together all the time. 178 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:52,462 I just-- [sighs] I need something to distract me from missing Neville. 179 00:08:52,566 --> 00:08:53,981 -No. Forget about it. -[inhales] 180 00:08:54,085 --> 00:08:55,880 We always end up butting heads. 181 00:08:55,983 --> 00:09:01,230 Yeah. Well, that'’s 'cause, you know, I didn'’t want you to replace my sister. 182 00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:02,921 And you didn'’t want me to marry your brother. 183 00:09:03,025 --> 00:09:04,923 But we got drunk and swept it under the carpet, 184 00:09:05,027 --> 00:09:06,925 so there'’s no way it could bother us now. 185 00:09:09,618 --> 00:09:11,067 Okay. 186 00:09:11,171 --> 00:09:15,175 I do need somebody to help me answer emails from parents. 187 00:09:16,141 --> 00:09:17,764 I got this one from a guy 188 00:09:17,867 --> 00:09:22,562 who said he would vote for me if I would send him a video of me hula-hooping 189 00:09:22,665 --> 00:09:24,598 -in a leopard bra. -Mmm. 190 00:09:24,702 --> 00:09:27,774 And they say that dads never get involved. 191 00:09:27,877 --> 00:09:30,155 -[Louise] See you tonight, Becky. -Okay. 192 00:09:30,259 --> 00:09:31,571 Okay. What'’s tonight? 193 00:09:32,675 --> 00:09:34,539 Oh, um, I'’m gonna go see 194 00:09:34,643 --> 00:09:36,610 Louise in action at the parents'’ meeting. 195 00:09:36,714 --> 00:09:39,509 She and her opponents are doing a meet-the-candidates kind of thing. 196 00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:41,960 Oh, okay. Well, I guess I should be there too, 197 00:09:42,064 --> 00:09:44,860 now that I'’m her Chief Communications Officer. 198 00:09:44,963 --> 00:09:46,689 I thought you were just answering her emails. 199 00:09:46,793 --> 00:09:49,934 I'’ll just go listen to her speak and maybe offer some tips. 200 00:09:50,037 --> 00:09:51,798 As Lanford'’s leading life coach, 201 00:09:51,901 --> 00:09:55,146 I'’ve had to address large crowds on occasion. 202 00:09:55,249 --> 00:09:57,286 Usually demanding their money back. 203 00:09:57,389 --> 00:09:59,391 And they were all able to stand up for themselves, 204 00:09:59,495 --> 00:10:01,635 because they had a hell of a life coach. 205 00:10:05,950 --> 00:10:09,505 Looking out for the best interest of Lanford schoolchildren 206 00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,196 is not a job I take lightly. 207 00:10:11,300 --> 00:10:15,684 I'’m a step-grandma, so I have a dog in this hunt. 208 00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:20,827 How do you think she'’s doing? I thought that was a pretty good speech. 209 00:10:20,930 --> 00:10:22,656 It'’s a smoking hole in the ground. 210 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:25,383 There'’s no pizzazz. She'’s playin' it safe. 211 00:10:26,246 --> 00:10:27,661 You know their positions. 212 00:10:27,765 --> 00:10:29,663 -What'’s her opponent's big pitch? -[whispering] Oh. 213 00:10:29,767 --> 00:10:32,390 She'’s pushing free breakfast for poor kids. 214 00:10:32,493 --> 00:10:34,979 Hungry kids. Damn it, that'’s genius. 215 00:10:36,152 --> 00:10:38,396 Does anyone have any questions for Ms. Goldufski? 216 00:10:38,499 --> 00:10:41,986 Watch this. Yes. I have a question for the candidate. 217 00:10:42,089 --> 00:10:46,887 Um, is it true that your opponent is using hungry children as clickbait 218 00:10:46,991 --> 00:10:50,201 for her increasingly desperate campaign? Thank you. 219 00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:54,895 I would rather discuss my campaign, 220 00:10:54,999 --> 00:10:58,105 and I would rather discuss it with somebody else. 221 00:10:59,072 --> 00:11:01,591 Firm but fair. Firm but fair. 222 00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:05,699 Ms. Smallwood, would you like to respond to that? 223 00:11:07,114 --> 00:11:10,704 I love children. I would never use them as clickbait. 224 00:11:10,808 --> 00:11:13,120 I don'’t even have a computer. I use my grandson'’s. 225 00:11:13,224 --> 00:11:16,434 Mmm. Afraid of technology. 226 00:11:16,537 --> 00:11:18,574 AI'’s coming. We all have to deal with it. 227 00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:21,750 Kids need help, not gonna get it from this Amish lady. 228 00:11:22,923 --> 00:11:24,580 I'’m a little afraid to ask this, 229 00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:27,065 but are there any more questions for either candidate? 230 00:11:27,169 --> 00:11:30,206 Yes, I do. I have a question for Ms. Goldufski'’s opponent. 231 00:11:30,310 --> 00:11:31,898 -No, you don'’t. No, you don't. -[Jackie sniffs] 232 00:11:32,001 --> 00:11:35,315 Is it true that, uh, you don'’t love America? 233 00:11:36,143 --> 00:11:37,938 Okay. I'’m out. 234 00:11:38,042 --> 00:11:40,458 Uh, bye, person I'’ve never met before. 235 00:11:41,908 --> 00:11:44,324 Of course. I love America. 236 00:11:44,427 --> 00:11:47,707 I just wanna say that my opponent is a decent person 237 00:11:47,810 --> 00:11:50,330 who also only wants the best for our kids. 238 00:11:50,433 --> 00:11:52,677 Look at this. A woman who'’s got another woman's back. 239 00:11:52,781 --> 00:11:58,234 She'’s the real deal, folks, with a heart of "gold-ufski". 240 00:12:03,343 --> 00:12:04,689 [Ben] Hey. 241 00:12:06,967 --> 00:12:08,348 How'’s it going? 242 00:12:08,451 --> 00:12:10,246 Actually, I'’m testing batteries 243 00:12:10,350 --> 00:12:12,697 while coming up with ideas for my writing. 244 00:12:12,801 --> 00:12:14,941 I picked up a book called How to Write. 245 00:12:15,044 --> 00:12:19,531 It says if you take breaks and do chores, your brain will bubble up ideas. 246 00:12:19,635 --> 00:12:21,741 Mmm. Just like that, huh? 247 00:12:21,844 --> 00:12:26,262 Did you know you'’re always writing, even when you'’re just living? 248 00:12:26,366 --> 00:12:28,023 [chuckles] Actually not. 249 00:12:28,126 --> 00:12:30,646 For Conners, you'’re barely living when you'’re just living. 250 00:12:31,820 --> 00:12:33,338 Uh, look. [clears throat] 251 00:12:33,442 --> 00:12:37,377 Your daughter, who loves you very much, is worried about you. 252 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,828 And so, she said, "Ben, you'’re a writer. 253 00:12:39,931 --> 00:12:42,451 Why don'’t you go over there, see if my dad could use any help." 254 00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:47,180 So, being a writer, I said, "Sure." How can I help? 255 00:12:49,044 --> 00:12:50,665 I appreciate it, but I'’m good. 256 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:51,943 How far along are you? 257 00:12:52,047 --> 00:12:53,980 I'’m still on the first paragraph. 258 00:12:54,083 --> 00:12:57,742 I came up with some other stuff, but it wasn'’t as good so I threw it away. 259 00:12:57,846 --> 00:13:00,814 Ah. Hey, look. I-I get the kind of pressure you'’re feeling. 260 00:13:00,918 --> 00:13:02,643 You'’re not used to doing this kind of stuff. 261 00:13:02,747 --> 00:13:05,854 You'’re worried about embarrassing yourself. [inhales deeply] 262 00:13:05,957 --> 00:13:08,511 What, you think I'’m so stupid I'’m gonna embarrass myself? 263 00:13:08,615 --> 00:13:10,306 I didn'’t mean it like that, okay? 264 00:13:10,410 --> 00:13:14,138 You'’re not stupid. You're just, you know, you'’re not a writer. 265 00:13:14,241 --> 00:13:17,762 Every time I hear you say that, all I hear is "you'’re a moron." 266 00:13:18,694 --> 00:13:20,178 What'’s the matter? Are you mad 267 00:13:20,282 --> 00:13:23,664 '’cause they picked the dumb drywall guy instead of the failed writer? 268 00:13:25,563 --> 00:13:30,188 [sighs] You know what? Screw you, old man. God. 269 00:13:30,292 --> 00:13:32,812 You know, you wanna write about a small-town hardware store? 270 00:13:32,915 --> 00:13:34,744 You ought to tell them about how hard it is 271 00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:38,403 working with your pig-headed father-in-law who thinks he knows everything 272 00:13:38,507 --> 00:13:41,544 but doesn'’t know that flipping a closed sign is not a joke. 273 00:13:41,648 --> 00:13:43,063 -That wasn'’t the joke. -[grunts] 274 00:13:43,167 --> 00:13:46,032 -Any real writer would know that. -[grunts] 275 00:13:48,758 --> 00:13:51,623 So we need to find some dirt on Louise'’s opponent. 276 00:13:51,727 --> 00:13:57,008 There'’s something evil lurking under that Chico'’s sweater set. I know it. 277 00:13:57,112 --> 00:13:59,183 I'’m-- I'm kind of uncomfortable with this. 278 00:13:59,286 --> 00:14:01,599 She'’s a widow who works at an animal rescue, 279 00:14:01,702 --> 00:14:04,050 an-and she'’s lived in the same district for over 60 years. 280 00:14:04,153 --> 00:14:06,224 Never successful enough to move on. 281 00:14:07,191 --> 00:14:08,848 Hey. We were waiting for you. 282 00:14:08,951 --> 00:14:11,885 -What took you so long? -There were hours of questions. 283 00:14:11,989 --> 00:14:13,128 Mostly about you. 284 00:14:13,231 --> 00:14:16,407 Mission accomplished. Campaign'’s got buzz. 285 00:14:16,510 --> 00:14:18,858 You had that poor woman in tears. 286 00:14:18,961 --> 00:14:20,066 Oh. We can use that. 287 00:14:20,169 --> 00:14:21,481 Mark, write this down. 288 00:14:21,584 --> 00:14:24,760 Is spontaneous crying a sure sign of mental illness? 289 00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:27,556 -What? -Mmm. It'’s the trick. 290 00:14:27,659 --> 00:14:30,559 They can'’t argue against your facts if you pose them as a question. 291 00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:33,113 They do it on Ancient Aliens all the time. 292 00:14:33,217 --> 00:14:37,600 "Did the Ancient Aliens come to Earth and build the Pyramids of Tulum 293 00:14:37,704 --> 00:14:39,671 as an energy source for their death ray?" 294 00:14:42,571 --> 00:14:44,987 You were only supposed to answer emails. 295 00:14:45,091 --> 00:14:46,955 What the hell were you even doing there? 296 00:14:47,058 --> 00:14:49,785 Thank God I was there. You were getting your ass kicked. 297 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,649 -Right, Mark? -I-I wasn'’t there. 298 00:14:51,752 --> 00:14:54,824 Well, let me phrase that differently. Was Mark there? 299 00:14:57,655 --> 00:14:59,001 You'’re fired. 300 00:14:59,105 --> 00:15:00,900 Okay, just t-tell me what you want. 301 00:15:01,003 --> 00:15:02,694 That'’s the way I'’ll run your campaign. 302 00:15:02,798 --> 00:15:04,938 You are not running my campaign. 303 00:15:05,042 --> 00:15:07,596 Well, no. Not with you interfering all the time. 304 00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:10,633 No. Not ever. You'’re done. 305 00:15:10,737 --> 00:15:12,325 That job was my life. 306 00:15:13,429 --> 00:15:15,017 It was six hours. 307 00:15:15,776 --> 00:15:17,088 That changed the world. 308 00:15:22,162 --> 00:15:24,164 -Hey. [sighs] What you writing? -Hey. 309 00:15:24,268 --> 00:15:27,167 Uh, an article about a small-town hardware store. 310 00:15:27,271 --> 00:15:30,136 It'’s about how mom and pop shops are the center of community life 311 00:15:30,239 --> 00:15:32,172 and how we can'’t just let that fade away. 312 00:15:32,276 --> 00:15:34,934 Well, you were supposed to help him, not write it for him. 313 00:15:35,037 --> 00:15:36,832 Oh, this isn'’t for him. 314 00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,040 But he'’s gonna see it. 315 00:15:39,662 --> 00:15:41,457 Ah, you were asleep when I got home last night, 316 00:15:41,561 --> 00:15:43,528 but he called me a failed writer. 317 00:15:43,632 --> 00:15:45,358 Oh, crap. I'’m sorry. 318 00:15:45,461 --> 00:15:48,464 No need. I'’m gonna shove this great piece in his face 319 00:15:48,568 --> 00:15:51,467 and show him who'’s not a failed writer. 320 00:15:51,571 --> 00:15:55,678 Uh, look. I don'’t know why you think you'’re competing with my dad. 321 00:15:55,782 --> 00:15:58,543 I mean, he'’s a smart guy but he wouldn'’t know good writing. 322 00:15:58,647 --> 00:16:01,926 He'’s still surprised that Garfield doesn'’t like Mondays. 323 00:16:03,376 --> 00:16:06,068 I think you are trying to prove something to yourself. 324 00:16:06,172 --> 00:16:08,415 Hmm. And piss off your dad. 325 00:16:09,830 --> 00:16:13,317 But what you really wanna do is say to the world, 326 00:16:13,420 --> 00:16:15,250 "Hey, I'’m still a great writer." 327 00:16:16,389 --> 00:16:18,598 And piss off your dad. 328 00:16:18,701 --> 00:16:22,050 Can'’t you just know how talented you are and let it go? 329 00:16:23,051 --> 00:16:24,431 Will that piss off your dad? 330 00:16:25,398 --> 00:16:26,399 Yes. 331 00:16:26,502 --> 00:16:29,402 Especially if you keep it all inside. 332 00:16:30,886 --> 00:16:34,752 [inhales deeply] Uh-- [stammers] It is good. 333 00:16:34,855 --> 00:16:38,756 Yeah. And I know it, and that'’ll have to be enough. 334 00:16:40,068 --> 00:16:41,931 [sighs] You'’re such a reasonable person. 335 00:16:43,450 --> 00:16:46,798 What happened to the petty, vindictive Darlene I fell in love with? 336 00:16:47,937 --> 00:16:51,872 She'’s inside and I know it and that'’s enough. 337 00:16:53,736 --> 00:16:55,566 She just fired me on the spot, 338 00:16:55,669 --> 00:16:58,810 and I was only trying to help her where she needed it, which was everywhere. 339 00:17:00,605 --> 00:17:04,747 Honey, I-I know us not spending as much time together was a curveball. 340 00:17:04,851 --> 00:17:07,819 Naturally, you wanted to throw yourself into something 341 00:17:07,923 --> 00:17:09,925 but you kind of ran Louise over. 342 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:13,653 Well, it'’s hard for me to sit back and watch people do things wrong. 343 00:17:13,756 --> 00:17:15,896 Harris, you'’re not putting enough pepper in the stew. 344 00:17:17,242 --> 00:17:19,486 My taste buds haven'’t been dulled with age, 345 00:17:19,589 --> 00:17:22,489 so I'’m seasoning it for people who didn'’t fight in the Great War. 346 00:17:24,905 --> 00:17:27,115 If you wanna do something in your retirement, 347 00:17:27,218 --> 00:17:30,325 you may have to consider not being the general 348 00:17:30,428 --> 00:17:32,637 and just being a good soldier. 349 00:17:32,741 --> 00:17:34,329 Like I am in our marriage. 350 00:17:35,261 --> 00:17:36,607 Yeah, maybe you'’re right. 351 00:17:36,710 --> 00:17:39,679 But you really feel like you'’re the soldier in our marriage? 352 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:42,509 How would you like me to answer that? 353 00:17:44,270 --> 00:17:47,307 You mean, "How would you like me to answer that, sir?" 354 00:17:48,826 --> 00:17:51,242 Then the answer would be, "Yes, sir." 355 00:17:51,346 --> 00:17:54,659 -Permission to approach your lips, sir. -Aw. [chuckles] 356 00:17:54,763 --> 00:17:55,798 Hey. 357 00:17:55,902 --> 00:17:57,869 Take that nonsense out of my restaurant. 358 00:18:00,286 --> 00:18:01,494 Hey, Louise. 359 00:18:02,184 --> 00:18:03,461 Louise, can we talk? 360 00:18:03,565 --> 00:18:05,360 [sighs] Nothing to talk about. 361 00:18:05,463 --> 00:18:09,088 Look. Look, you-- you had every right to fire me. 362 00:18:09,191 --> 00:18:14,093 I think I just got caught up in trying to be in charge of everything. 363 00:18:14,196 --> 00:18:17,475 [sighs] It-- It'’s always hard with us. 364 00:18:17,579 --> 00:18:21,203 I can'’t help but feeling that you resent me for some reason. 365 00:18:21,307 --> 00:18:25,725 Well, I think maybe it'’s because I resent everything about you. 366 00:18:25,828 --> 00:18:28,521 I mean, everything comes so easily for you. 367 00:18:28,624 --> 00:18:32,732 You retired and you immediately found something fulfilling to do. 368 00:18:32,835 --> 00:18:37,046 I have one free day, I make a widow cry, and I'’m banned from the library. 369 00:18:38,462 --> 00:18:41,016 Well, it'’s not all a bed of roses. 370 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,537 Last night I had to fire a crazy staff worker. 371 00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:49,404 Well, now that I'’m figuring this out, um... 372 00:18:49,507 --> 00:18:53,753 [sniffs] ...maybe it might be nice if we spend some time together. 373 00:18:53,856 --> 00:18:59,241 Like, I don'’t know, like maybe if I was working for you or something? 374 00:18:59,345 --> 00:19:03,866 I am looking for someone who won'’t derail my campaign. 375 00:19:03,970 --> 00:19:07,146 Huh. Well, I don'’t have any experience in that 376 00:19:07,249 --> 00:19:10,528 but, um, I'’m willing to learn. 377 00:19:15,430 --> 00:19:18,709 Dan, I know you'’re mad at me but something'’s happened and we need to talk. 378 00:19:18,812 --> 00:19:21,677 Did you forget to tell me you were a writer one more time? 379 00:19:21,781 --> 00:19:23,058 [Ben sighs] 380 00:19:24,197 --> 00:19:25,543 I'’m sorry, okay? 381 00:19:25,647 --> 00:19:27,269 I didn'’t think you could do the article, 382 00:19:27,373 --> 00:19:30,686 but I should have just helped and kept my mouth shut. 383 00:19:30,790 --> 00:19:33,586 You'’d think being married to me, you'’d know that instinctively. 384 00:19:35,243 --> 00:19:37,797 Look, I didn'’t mean to insult you, all right? 385 00:19:37,900 --> 00:19:42,111 I was just going through some stuff and I kind of took it out on you. 386 00:19:42,215 --> 00:19:43,423 [sighs] Uh. 387 00:19:43,527 --> 00:19:45,736 I guess I got a little defensive myself 388 00:19:45,839 --> 00:19:49,049 '’cause I was so busy trying to prove to myself 389 00:19:49,153 --> 00:19:52,708 that I could have been someone more than a guy that swings a hammer 390 00:19:52,812 --> 00:19:54,400 or hangs drywall. Hmm. 391 00:19:54,503 --> 00:19:56,885 Well, you must be more than that. You got a hot wife. 392 00:19:58,438 --> 00:20:00,406 It'’s weird when you say that. 393 00:20:03,271 --> 00:20:05,790 Uh. So, look. 394 00:20:07,171 --> 00:20:09,829 I just got a call from the editor of Hardware Magazine, 395 00:20:09,932 --> 00:20:13,315 and they want me to do a monthly column based on the article I wrote. 396 00:20:13,419 --> 00:20:16,145 I was just trying to prove that I could still do it. 397 00:20:16,249 --> 00:20:18,458 I didn'’t know Darlene was gonna send it in. 398 00:20:18,562 --> 00:20:21,737 And before you get any madder, let me just remind you, 399 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:24,119 Louise has it going on. 400 00:20:25,948 --> 00:20:27,018 I didn'’t send it in. 401 00:20:27,122 --> 00:20:28,123 I did. 402 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,504 Wait, what? 403 00:20:29,607 --> 00:20:32,610 It was so good Darlene wanted me to see it, 404 00:20:32,714 --> 00:20:33,853 and she was right. 405 00:20:33,956 --> 00:20:36,235 You deserve that article, not me. 406 00:20:36,338 --> 00:20:38,167 You'’re a damn fine failed writer. 407 00:20:40,273 --> 00:20:42,448 Well, thank you. Gosh. 408 00:20:42,551 --> 00:20:44,104 And, hey, don'’t beat yourself up either. 409 00:20:44,208 --> 00:20:47,487 You were at a disadvantage trying to learn from that stupid writing book. 410 00:20:47,591 --> 00:20:49,420 I googled the author. 411 00:20:49,524 --> 00:20:51,250 He'’s worth $50 million. 412 00:20:53,113 --> 00:20:57,463 I am not having sex with you until you write a stupid book about writing. 413 00:21:01,812 --> 00:21:03,296 And people will just press on the drill 414 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:04,953 trying to put a hole in the cinder block. 415 00:21:05,056 --> 00:21:09,302 But what they don'’t know... [chuckles] ...is they need a masonry bit. 416 00:21:09,406 --> 00:21:10,614 Aha. Aha. 417 00:21:10,717 --> 00:21:12,961 You know what'’s really, really fascinating? 418 00:21:13,064 --> 00:21:15,204 You can use a masonry bit on tile. 419 00:21:15,308 --> 00:21:17,345 All you gotta do is turn the RPMs down a little bit. 420 00:21:17,448 --> 00:21:18,898 You keep talking about hardware, 421 00:21:19,001 --> 00:21:21,003 you'’re gonna hear all my retirement speech. 422 00:21:21,107 --> 00:21:22,177 I swear to God. 423 00:21:28,528 --> 00:21:29,529 [baby giggles]