[loan officer] Morning, Dan.
Well, haven'’t seen the whole family at the bank
in a while.
Yeah, but we keep in touch.
You send all those overdue notices to the house,
and we take turns writing, "Not at this address" on the envelopes.
So, what'’s the occasion?
Well, something very special is about to happen,
and they all wanted to be here to witness it.
Do I have time to text my wife and tell her I love her?
[chuckles] Yes.
And you can also tell her that Dan Conner paid off his house.
[Becky, Mark] Yeah!
Wow. I'’m very happy for you, my friend.
After all those years of hard work and sacrifice, it finally paid off.
No, my business burned down.
And, for the record, we were never friends.
I only ever came here to beg for mercy so you wouldn'’t foreclose on my home.
I'’ve had friendships built on less.
But I'’m-- I'm really happy for you, Dan.
I mean, this is a reason to celebrate.
Oh, damn right we'’re gonna celebrate.
Right after this, we'’re going to Olive Garden.
Reservation, not walk-in.
So, the Conners finally win.
It'’s killing you to see the beasts of burden throw off their yokes, isn'’t it?
You don'’t have the Conners to plow your fields of misery anymore.
-Did I get that right? -Yeah.
No, I-- No, we see good people like you finally pay off your mortgage.
That really makes our day around here.
I'’m excited to go process this.
Oh, stop it. You hate us, we hate you.
You'’re not gonna steal this moment from us.
Mark, you can see over the wall.
Tell everybody we beat those bank weasels at their own game.
Okay. Um.
We, uh, paid off our mortgage, everybody.
We crushed you or something.
[all cheering]
Aw, they'’re so nice.
No, they'’re not.
They'’re a bunch of bloodsucking leeches
who aren'’t happy until they'’ve taken everything you'’ve got.
Today is my birthday, and the other employees got me a cake.
But I know how long you struggled, and I wanted you to have it.
"Happy birthday, Judy.
One year cancer-free."
Happy for you, Judy!
Well, great news, Dan. [chuckles]
You gave us a little bit more than you needed to.
You have $1,862.15 left over.
What kind of sick game are you playing?
[chuckles] You guys are hell-bent on leaving here mad at me.
Sure, I'’ll-- I'll go your way.
Oh, no, you'’ve snatched your house back from my evil clutches.
Now I can only find joy by foreclosing on the orphanage.
Thank you. Now, was that so hard?
I'’m gonna go get you cash,
and I'’m gonna find someone I don'’t like to bring it back to you.
All right. Well, let'’s take something to commemorate this moment, huh?
I could use a calendar.
All right. But this one is personalized
with pictures of his family. [chuckles]
I still have to know what day it is.
[Jackie] The Conners is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Oh, hey. I didn'’t know you got a college sweatshirt.
Yep. Stephen A. Douglas finally sent them out last week.
-So now I can represent good old "SAD U." -[chuckles]
Finally you'’re finished.
Why can'’t you just use the laundry machines in your dorm?
Well, they'’re in the basement,
and an angry woman has set up camp around the dryers.
We'’re not sure if she's homeless
or someone who graduated with an art history degree.
Hey. By the way, if you want me to do your laundry,
you don'’t have to sneak it in.
You can just ask me.
I don'’t know what you'’re talking about.
Anything you find in there must be Beverly Rose'’s.
She must have slipped it in when I wasn'’t looking.
Huh. Didn'’t realize Beverly Rose was a 34B.
It'’s the hormones in the free school breakfast.
-Hey. -Hey. You have a minute?
Well, I just walked in the door, and I was worried about having some time to myself.
So, please unburden yourself.
Well, I have some unexpected news.
Oh, don'’t tell me you'’re pregnant,
'’cause, at your age, that'd be the start of a religion.
You know how Mark gave me his old laptop?
Well, a couple months ago,
I found an old application he had filled out for the University of Chicago
that he never submitted.
And I submitted it.
Wait. Why would you do that?
You know we can'’t afford it.
But do you remember how excited he was
when he first decided to learn AI and machine learning?
Yeah. Of course, I do.
Right, but then he found out the big AI companies don'’t hire
out of schools like his.
He can still learn that stuff.
He'’s in the robotics club at SAD.
He is the robotics club at SAD.
You had no right to do this.
Just because he was a little down a couple months ago,
doesn'’t mean that he'’s miserable now.
Look, just don'’t tell him about the application.
I mean, if he gets rejected, that'’ll make him feel even worse.
Good call.
But what do I do about the acceptance email they sent me this morning?
What?
He got in? Are you kidding me?
Nope.
Oh, my God.
He got into the University of Chicago?
Yes, I knew the smart Conner baby would come from my uterus.
Okay.
Oh, my God. Please tell me there'’s some financial aid with this.
A little.
Okay. I know I'’m gonna hate the answer to this,
but how much is three years after the help?
Around 150,000.
Sure. But how much if we go with used books?
Okay, then we'’re back to not telling him.
Or it could motivate him.
Maybe finding out that he got into one of the top 12 schools will remind him
that he'’s someone incredible and is meant for bigger things.
But what if it doesn'’t?
And now I'’m realizing you'’ve given me no choice.
I literally have to tell him.
Because if he finds out later that he got in and I didn'’t tell him,
he'’s gonna hate me.
It'’s the right thing to do.
You don'’t want him to believe that he'’s mediocre and settle for less in life.
Okay, sure. I'’ll pivot now and tell him not to settle.
[stammers] Eighteen years of parenting out the window.
Hey, Dad. Was this cheese returned?
The singles aren'’t wrapped in that shiny plastic anymore.
That'’s 'cause this is the real deal.
I took a number, stepped up to the deli counter with all the swells,
and watched them slice it directly off the block.
Wow. Somebody'’s starting to burn through their extra mortgage money.
Only a little.
I don'’t know what I'm gonna do with the rest of it yet.
I mean, we have all the creature comforts.
Hey, hey, it'’s found money.
Use it for something on your bucket list.
Something that you'’ve always wanted to do but couldn'’t.
Well, based on the cheese, it could be as simple as sourdough.
I just saw a thing on TV about that New Orleans Jazz Festival that'’s this weekend.
I always wanted to see that.
You don'’t have a job. I got nothing but free time.
When do we leave?
Did I do something with my face that looked like an invite?
No, come on. Neville and Louise, they'’re visiting their mom.
I'’ve always wanted to see New Orleans, right?
Ride an airboat, rassle a gator. [chuckles]
Drink some hurricanes, rassle a bigger gator.
We'’d have to jump on a plane basically tonight.
It'’s a fun town.
A little tricky to land in.
There'’s usually a naked drunk guy on the runway
yelling, "Who that big bird?"
Come on. You never do anything for yourself. Just live a little.
I don'’t know.
Jet-setting across the globe seems a little chichi, don'’t it?
You got the unwrapped cheese.
There'’s no going back now.
Uh, Mark, can I talk to you?
Yeah, sure. What'’s up?
So, um, I know this is going to be kind of a shock to you,
but you were accepted into the University of Chicago.
Did you submit me for cadaver studies?
I told you, I'’m not sure what I want to donate and what I don'’t.
No. Uh.
You were accepted as a transfer student,
and we can'’t afford the tuition, but isn'’t that great?
You know-- I mean, you should be really proud of yourself.
Well, that'’s impossible. I never applied.
Did I also enlist in the Marine Corps? [chuckles]
Becky found the application on your old laptop
and, of course, she submitted it,
because, you know, this family never developed boundaries.
Tha-- Thanks for telling me.
Uh, hey.
Look, I know you'’re disappointed that you can'’t go, and that'’s okay.
Right. I knew we couldn'’t afford it.
That'’s why I didn't apply.
Okay, but this is proof
of how smart and talented you are, right?
I guess that'’ll be our secret.
As long as I go to SAD U, nobody has to know.
Come on. You can do anything with your life,
expensive school or not.
And one day, this will be a great story you'’ll tell your kids.
"Daddy couldn'’t afford to go to the University of Chicago,
but now he'’s a famous"--
Cadaver at the University of Chicago.
[sighs] I'’m starting to feel like this is a bad idea.
I told you not to slam that Oreo Blast milkshake before you got on the plane.
It'’s not about that.
I just get the feeling we'’re gonna crash somewhere in the mountains
and I'’m gonna have to eat the guy in 43E.
What are you talking about?
[stammers] Y-You know how it goes. I just paid off the house.
Every time the Conners get a win,
it'’s just a matter of time before something horrible happens to us.
Well, you might have mentioned that to me before I got on the plane with you.
Now, come on. You'’re being ridiculous.
That'’s just a bunch of superstitious nonsense.
Backed up by decades of experience.
You just need to relax and think of all the fun we'’re gonna have in New Orleans.
I am thinking about that.
Those guys with umbrellas dancing and playing the trumpets
while they carry our coffins through the street.
[passenger, Jackie grunt]
I'’m sorry. Does this bin look like your coat closet?
Because some people wanna use it correctly.
[grunts]
There.
Next time, don'’t hog up the space.
[chuckles] Here it is.
Right on schedule.
Nobody else is getting up to help this poor woman
because God put him right here to ruin my life.
No, Dan. Don'’t-Don't-- Don'’t get up.
Dan, your life was ruined way long time ago.
Excuse me, friend.
How'’s about picking up the lady'’s coat and purse
and putting it back where you found it?
How'’s about you mind your own business?
No. Please just do it and sit down. Please.
'’Cause he was already talking about eating another passenger.
Just stay out of it unless you want trouble.
I like trouble.
Pick up the purse.
Pick up the purse now.
-Okay. Count to ten. [clears throat] -Why?
That'’s how long it's gonna take '’em to throw me off the plane.
[sighs]
Hi. Uh. Do you mind if I keep the magazine?
Uh-- I'’m interested in that thing that turns my bathtub into a whirlpool.
[chuckles] Actually, sir, please stay seated.
Uh-- Anytime that there'’s a passenger altercation,
I need to go inform the pilot.
-[Jackie sighs] -Oh, God.
I'’m going to airport jail.
I'’m gonna party down before they toss us.
Hey. Oh, pardon me.
Could we get four bourbon sodas while we wait?
To go.
Hey, I found another one.
Why is Beverly Rose wearing a T-shirt that says, "US out of my uterus"?
Oh, no, that'’s mine.
And can you hand-wash that?
I got a feeling it'’s gotta last for the next four years.
[knocks on door]
[sighs heavily]
[Mark sighs]
Uh-- Oh, my God.
W-What'’s going on? Are you okay?
I'’m thriving.
-[scoffs] -What did he do?
Well, he got drunk and rented one of those Bird scooter thingies,
and grabbed somebody'’s chalupa in a Taco Bell drive-through.
-Oh, for God'’s sakes, Mark. -Not done.
He then drove onto a mini-golf course,
tried to Evel Knievel the moat in front of Humpty Dumpty'’s castle
and wound up in the pond where we picked him up.
Okay. Is he under arrest?
Nah, he didn'’t really cause any damage.
And we had to fold him up like an origami swan
just to get him in the back of the car.
Thank you so much.
Got my Christmas card.
Hey.
What the hell were you thinking?
I was thinking I could clear that moat. [scoffs]
Hey. Hey.
I did a lot of dumb stuff when I was drinking too,
and you are incredibly lucky every time something horrible doesn'’t happen to you--
I don'’t wanna hear it.
I don'’t wanna hear anything from anybody in this family.
-Mark. -No.
I-I know the world isn'’t fair.
I knew I was a smart kid in a below-average school
who'’d wind up below average.
Now I got into a really great school, and guess what.
I can'’t go, 'cause I'’m one of you people.
Yeah. Yeah.
That'’s right. I said, "You people."
And not just '’cause I forgot all your names '’cause I'm drunk.
All right, Mark. That'’s enough.
I'’m sick of it. I'’m sick of being a Conner.
Everything about this dumb family sucks.
You never should'’ve sent in that application.
You never should'’ve told me I got in.
And you never should have put the Bird scooter app on my phone.
Th-This started out funny, and now it'’s-it's kinda sad.
Hey. Why don'’t you go in the kitchen?
I'’ll get you sobered up.
Sounds nice. I'’m tired now. [sighs]
Look at what you'’ve done.
He was a little disappointed
because he was at SAD U, and now he'’s spiraling.
You know, I had the whole college thing figured out, and you undid it all.
Oh, did you?
Or is part of the reason you'’re so mad you took a job that you hate
and it didn'’t really solve anything?
Yes, of course that bothers me.
How did you help? Huh?
Now that Mark knows what could'’ve been, he's completely disappointed with what is.
Just you wait.
I'’m gonna give Beverly Rose hope when you least expect it.
[Dan sighs]
Our flight attendant told me what happened,
and you'’re not in any kind of trouble.
-Really? -We have an unruly passenger on almost every flight,
and it'’s so rare that someone steps in and de-escalates it without getting physical.
Most people just film the whole thing.
Could you say that again? I had it on panorama, not video.
When you folks land in New Orleans,
we'’d love to give you some vouchers for your next flight, free of charge.
-Oh. -Wow, thank you.
No, thank you. And enjoy your drinks.
Save a little bourbon for me.
I like to reward myself after a smooth takeoff.
-Your jokes scare me. -[Jackie, pilot laughing]
You see now?
You were all worried about God punishing you,
and then something even better happened.
[laughs]
What are you saying now? God is fair?
I'’m just saying that you-you'’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop
and-- and then you never enjoy all the good things that happen.
You know, you'’re just constantly always looking everywhere for shoes.
There'’s a point in there somewhere. You work it out.
I'’m gonna get stinko.
No, y-you'’re right.
I'’m not enjoying my life the way I should.
I thought the kids would bring me joy.
Made that mistake three times.
Well, look at me. Look at me. I'’m on a plane.
I'’m heading for New Orleans.
I just need to start appreciating good things when they come along.
Hell, I just got free airline tickets.
Yeah, and free booze.
And for once in my life, middle shelf.
Ooh.
Sir, your bag has to be completely out of the aisle,
or we'’ll have to check it before takeoff.
[passenger sighs, clears throat]
-Hey, hero. -Yeah?
Maybe you should put my bag under your feet so I can sit here comfortably.
Ah. You'’re not gonna be my hero too?
You'’re just gonna be that big, dumb lump of stupid that you look like?
Well, just so you know,
I'’m gonna be kicking the back of your seat
all the way to New Orleans like Phil Collins.
You'’re gonna be in the air tonight, bitch.
Don'’t-- Don't take the bait.
[sighs]
I'’m gonna use the head.
You need anything?
Something for you and your service dog?
[breathes deeply]
Just so you know,
I'’m fully aware that God isn't making this bad thing happen.
Punching this guy in the face is my decision.
Yeah, yeah. No, I got you.
Just give me a second to get out of panorama mode.
Okay. No.
Oops. I just called 911. [sniffs, clears throat]
And action.
Oh.
There'’s the look of someone who'’s loving college.
So you'’re not going to New Orleans, huh?
Jackie sent me all the videos.
Plus one weird panorama of the plane.
Oh, we'’re still going. We'’re just taking the bus.
Where a six-pack of beer is your carry-on.
And you'’re here because?
I didn'’t have a carry-on, and now I do.
Toodles.
-Brought you some more Pedialyte. -[sighs]
How you feeling?
[sighs]
I'’m really sorry about what I said last night.
Booze really sets people off.
We'’d probably all get along a lot better
if we didn'’t have any alcohol in the house.
Oh, no. We tried that once.
It made things worse.
Look, I know that getting into that school stirred up a lot of stuff.
[sighs] It'’s killing me that I actually got into the University of Chicago.
And I keep trying to think of a way to get there.
But all I can come up with is, um, not going back to SAD
and working to try to save up the money, and I know that'’s not an option.
Why not?
You'’d be okay with me dropping out of school?
Yeah.
But you sacrificed a great job
for me to go there.
Yeah, but I did it because I wanted you to be happy,
and you'’re not happy.
Even after I made you a janitor.
So clearly, you'’re unsatisfiable.
Mom.
Oh, I'’m telling you.
I'’m fine.
You do what you gotta do.
It may mean taking more than a year off.
Or you could solve a math problem
in the hallway and get a full ride.
Good Will Hunting.
Matt Damon. He'’s a janitor.
"It'’s not your fault."
I don'’t-- I-I don't know what this is.
"It'’s not your fault.
Will, it'’s not your fault."
I'’m leaving now.
"Frankly, my dear, I don'’t give a damn."
Come on, man. Get your nose out of the books and watch a movie once in a while.
-So, you guys had fun in the Big Easy? -[Dan] Yep.
And while we were there, we hit up a voodoo store.
We brought everybody back culturally inappropriate souvenirs.
[Becky] Oh.
For Darlene, a voodoo doll.
Ah.
If you find a big hole in one of your pajama tops next week,
it'’s not because I made a pantsuit for this.
And for Becky and Tyler,
a bag of love herbs to keep those fires burning.
And for you, a box of chicken bones
blessed by a voodoo priestess to help divine your future.
Some of these still have meat on them.
We forgot your gift and hit a Popeyes on our way back.
[baby giggles]