1
00:00:03,624 --> 00:00:04,763
[loan officer] Morning, Dan.

2
00:00:04,866 --> 00:00:07,386
Well, haven'’t seen
the whole family at the bank

3
00:00:07,490 --> 00:00:08,594
in a while.

4
00:00:09,906 --> 00:00:11,942
Yeah, but we keep in touch.

5
00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:14,393
You send all those
overdue notices to the house,

6
00:00:14,497 --> 00:00:17,879
and we take turns writing,
"Not at this address"
on the envelopes.

7
00:00:18,915 --> 00:00:20,468
So, what'’s the occasion?

8
00:00:20,572 --> 00:00:22,884
Well, something very special is
about to happen,

9
00:00:22,988 --> 00:00:25,611
and they all wanted to be here
to witness it.

10
00:00:25,715 --> 00:00:29,236
Do I have time to text my wife
and tell her I love her?

11
00:00:29,339 --> 00:00:30,651
[chuckles] Yes.

12
00:00:30,754 --> 00:00:34,827
And you can also tell her that
Dan Conner paid off his house.

13
00:00:34,931 --> 00:00:37,899
[Becky, Mark] Yeah!

14
00:00:38,003 --> 00:00:40,626
Wow. I'’m very happy
for you, my friend.

15
00:00:40,730 --> 00:00:44,078
After all those years
of hard work and sacrifice,
it finally paid off.

16
00:00:44,182 --> 00:00:46,839
No, my business burned down.

17
00:00:48,220 --> 00:00:50,498
And, for the record,
we were never friends.

18
00:00:50,602 --> 00:00:55,952
I only ever came here to
beg for mercy so you
wouldn'’t foreclose on my home.

19
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,988
I'’ve had
friendships built on less.

20
00:00:59,404 --> 00:01:01,440
But I'’m-- I'm really
happy for you, Dan.

21
00:01:01,544 --> 00:01:03,304
I mean, this is a
reason to celebrate.

22
00:01:03,408 --> 00:01:05,030
Oh, damn right
we'’re gonna celebrate.

23
00:01:05,134 --> 00:01:07,170
Right after this,
we'’re going to Olive Garden.

24
00:01:09,138 --> 00:01:10,863
Reservation, not walk-in.

25
00:01:12,175 --> 00:01:15,661
So, the Conners finally win.

26
00:01:15,765 --> 00:01:20,527
It'’s killing you
to see the beasts of burden
throw off their yokes, isn'’t it?

27
00:01:20,632 --> 00:01:23,600
You don'’t have the Conners
to plow your fields
of misery anymore.

28
00:01:24,532 --> 00:01:26,465
-Did I get that right?
-Yeah.

29
00:01:26,569 --> 00:01:30,297
No, I-- No, we see
good people like you
finally pay off your mortgage.

30
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:31,953
That really makes
our day around here.

31
00:01:32,057 --> 00:01:34,128
I'’m excited to go process this.

32
00:01:34,232 --> 00:01:36,337
Oh, stop it. You
hate us, we hate you.

33
00:01:36,441 --> 00:01:38,615
You'’re not gonna steal
this moment from us.

34
00:01:38,719 --> 00:01:40,893
Mark, you can see over the wall.

35
00:01:40,997 --> 00:01:44,863
Tell everybody we beat those
bank weasels at their own game.

36
00:01:45,450 --> 00:01:47,383
Okay. Um.

37
00:01:47,485 --> 00:01:49,350
We, uh, paid off our
mortgage, everybody.

38
00:01:49,454 --> 00:01:51,007
We crushed you or something.

39
00:01:51,110 --> 00:01:54,838
[all cheering]

40
00:01:54,942 --> 00:01:57,151
Aw, they'’re so nice.

41
00:01:57,255 --> 00:01:58,979
No, they'’re not.

42
00:01:59,084 --> 00:02:01,017
They'’re a bunch of
bloodsucking leeches

43
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:03,640
who aren'’t happy
until they'’ve taken
everything you'’ve got.

44
00:02:03,744 --> 00:02:07,472
Today is my birthday, and the
other employees got me a cake.

45
00:02:07,575 --> 00:02:11,476
But I know
how long you struggled,
and I wanted you to have it.

46
00:02:14,755 --> 00:02:16,550
"Happy birthday, Judy.

47
00:02:16,653 --> 00:02:18,414
One year cancer-free."

48
00:02:21,865 --> 00:02:23,419
Happy for you, Judy!

49
00:02:25,248 --> 00:02:27,008
Well, great
news, Dan. [chuckles]

50
00:02:27,112 --> 00:02:29,321
You gave us a little bit more
than you needed to.

51
00:02:29,425 --> 00:02:33,498
You have $1,862.15 left over.

52
00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:36,777
What kind of sick
game are you playing?

53
00:02:38,227 --> 00:02:41,057
[chuckles]
You guys are hell-bent
on leaving here mad at me.

54
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,128
Sure, I'’ll-- I'll go your way.

55
00:02:43,232 --> 00:02:47,097
Oh, no, you'’ve snatched
your house back
from my evil clutches.

56
00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:50,791
Now I can only find joy
by foreclosing on the orphanage.

57
00:02:51,964 --> 00:02:54,898
Thank you. Now,
was that so hard?

58
00:02:56,037 --> 00:02:57,728
I'’m gonna go get you cash,

59
00:02:57,832 --> 00:03:00,697
and I'’m gonna find
someone I don'’t like
to bring it back to you.

60
00:03:03,044 --> 00:03:06,876
All right. Well, let'’s take
something to commemorate
this moment, huh?

61
00:03:06,979 --> 00:03:08,533
I could use a calendar.

62
00:03:08,636 --> 00:03:10,914
All right.
But this one is personalized

63
00:03:11,018 --> 00:03:12,744
with pictures
of his family. [chuckles]

64
00:03:15,367 --> 00:03:17,576
I still have to
know what day it is.

65
00:03:43,119 --> 00:03:45,984
[Jackie] The Conners is
recorded in front of
a live studio audience.

66
00:03:46,087 --> 00:03:48,780
Oh, hey. I didn'’t know
you got a college sweatshirt.

67
00:03:48,883 --> 00:03:51,645
Yep. Stephen A. Douglas
finally sent them out last week.

68
00:03:51,748 --> 00:03:55,406
-So now I can represent
good old "SAD U."
-[chuckles]

69
00:03:57,271 --> 00:03:58,962
Finally you'’re finished.

70
00:03:59,066 --> 00:04:01,275
Why can'’t you just use the
laundry machines in your dorm?

71
00:04:01,379 --> 00:04:02,828
Well, they'’re in the basement,

72
00:04:02,932 --> 00:04:05,659
and an angry woman has set
up camp around the dryers.

73
00:04:05,762 --> 00:04:06,936
We'’re not sure if she's homeless

74
00:04:07,039 --> 00:04:09,525
or someone who graduated
with an art history degree.

75
00:04:11,043 --> 00:04:13,494
Hey. By the way, if you
want me to do your laundry,

76
00:04:13,598 --> 00:04:14,944
you don'’t have to sneak it in.

77
00:04:15,047 --> 00:04:16,185
You can just ask me.

78
00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:17,981
I don'’t know what
you'’re talking about.

79
00:04:18,084 --> 00:04:20,639
Anything you find in there
must be Beverly Rose'’s.

80
00:04:20,743 --> 00:04:23,263
She must have slipped it in
when I wasn'’t looking.

81
00:04:23,366 --> 00:04:27,197
Huh. Didn'’t realize
Beverly Rose was a 34B.

82
00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:30,442
It'’s the hormones in
the free school breakfast.

83
00:04:32,133 --> 00:04:36,068
-Hey.
-Hey. You have a minute?

84
00:04:36,172 --> 00:04:41,798
Well, I just walked in the door,
and I was worried about
having some time to myself.

85
00:04:41,902 --> 00:04:43,835
So, please unburden yourself.

86
00:04:45,837 --> 00:04:49,530
Well, I have some
unexpected news.

87
00:04:49,634 --> 00:04:51,082
Oh, don'’t tell me
you'’re pregnant,

88
00:04:51,187 --> 00:04:54,190
'’cause, at your age, that'd
be the start of a religion.

89
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,986
You know how Mark
gave me his old laptop?

90
00:04:57,711 --> 00:04:59,851
Well, a couple months ago,

91
00:04:59,954 --> 00:05:04,545
I found an old application
he had filled out for
the University of Chicago

92
00:05:04,649 --> 00:05:06,202
that he never submitted.

93
00:05:07,548 --> 00:05:09,378
And I submitted it.

94
00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:11,483
Wait. Why would you do that?

95
00:05:11,587 --> 00:05:12,864
You know we can'’t afford it.

96
00:05:12,967 --> 00:05:14,659
But do you remember
how excited he was

97
00:05:14,762 --> 00:05:17,834
when he first decided to
learn AI and machine learning?

98
00:05:17,938 --> 00:05:19,284
Yeah. Of course, I do.

99
00:05:19,388 --> 00:05:22,563
Right, but then he found out
the big AI companies don'’t hire

100
00:05:22,667 --> 00:05:24,047
out of schools like his.

101
00:05:24,151 --> 00:05:25,428
He can still learn that stuff.

102
00:05:25,532 --> 00:05:28,051
He'’s in the
robotics club at SAD.

103
00:05:28,155 --> 00:05:30,847
He is the robotics club at SAD.

104
00:05:30,951 --> 00:05:32,746
You had no right to do this.

105
00:05:32,849 --> 00:05:35,196
Just because he was a
little down a couple months ago,

106
00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:36,853
doesn'’t mean that
he'’s miserable now.

107
00:05:36,957 --> 00:05:39,442
Look, just don'’t tell him
about the application.

108
00:05:39,546 --> 00:05:42,411
I mean, if he gets rejected,
that'’ll make him feel
even worse.

109
00:05:42,514 --> 00:05:43,860
Good call.

110
00:05:45,448 --> 00:05:49,763
But what do I do about
the acceptance email
they sent me this morning?

111
00:05:51,730 --> 00:05:52,973
What?

112
00:05:53,076 --> 00:05:54,561
He got in? Are you kidding me?

113
00:05:54,664 --> 00:05:55,700
Nope.

114
00:05:56,459 --> 00:05:58,427
Oh, my God.

115
00:05:58,530 --> 00:06:01,568
He got into the
University of Chicago?

116
00:06:01,671 --> 00:06:05,779
Yes, I knew the smart Conner
baby would come from my uterus.

117
00:06:05,882 --> 00:06:07,574
Okay.

118
00:06:07,677 --> 00:06:10,784
Oh, my God. Please tell me
there'’s some financial aid
with this.

119
00:06:10,887 --> 00:06:12,095
A little.

120
00:06:13,614 --> 00:06:15,582
Okay. I know I'’m gonna hate
the answer to this,

121
00:06:15,685 --> 00:06:17,929
but how much is three years
after the help?

122
00:06:18,723 --> 00:06:21,001
Around 150,000.

123
00:06:22,140 --> 00:06:23,935
Sure. But how much
if we go with used books?

124
00:06:27,179 --> 00:06:29,492
Okay, then we'’re
back to not telling him.

125
00:06:30,562 --> 00:06:33,945
Or it could motivate him.

126
00:06:34,048 --> 00:06:38,950
Maybe finding out that he got
into one of the top 12 schools
will remind him

127
00:06:39,053 --> 00:06:43,126
that he'’s someone incredible
and is meant for bigger things.

128
00:06:43,230 --> 00:06:44,404
But what if it doesn'’t?

129
00:06:44,507 --> 00:06:47,476
And now I'’m realizing
you'’ve given me no choice.

130
00:06:47,579 --> 00:06:49,339
I literally have to tell him.

131
00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:52,032
Because if he finds out
later that he got in
and I didn'’t tell him,

132
00:06:52,135 --> 00:06:53,136
he'’s gonna hate me.

133
00:06:54,655 --> 00:06:57,002
It'’s the right thing to do.

134
00:06:57,106 --> 00:07:02,180
You don'’t want him
to believe that he'’s mediocre
and settle for less in life.

135
00:07:02,283 --> 00:07:05,010
Okay, sure. I'’ll pivot now
and tell him not to settle.

136
00:07:05,114 --> 00:07:07,634
[stammers] Eighteen years
of parenting out the window.

137
00:07:11,707 --> 00:07:13,950
Hey, Dad. Was
this cheese returned?

138
00:07:14,054 --> 00:07:17,126
The singles aren'’t wrapped
in that shiny plastic anymore.

139
00:07:18,714 --> 00:07:21,337
That'’s 'cause this
is the real deal.

140
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:25,962
I took a number, stepped up
to the deli counter
with all the swells,

141
00:07:26,066 --> 00:07:29,656
and watched them slice it
directly off the block.

142
00:07:29,759 --> 00:07:33,487
Wow. Somebody'’s
starting to burn through
their extra mortgage money.

143
00:07:34,523 --> 00:07:35,558
Only a little.

144
00:07:36,870 --> 00:07:39,148
I don'’t know what I'm gonna do
with the rest of it yet.

145
00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:40,977
I mean, we have all
the creature comforts.

146
00:07:43,393 --> 00:07:45,430
Hey, hey, it'’s found money.

147
00:07:45,534 --> 00:07:46,914
Use it for something
on your bucket list.

148
00:07:47,018 --> 00:07:49,848
Something that you'’ve always
wanted to do but couldn'’t.

149
00:07:49,952 --> 00:07:53,576
Well, based on the cheese, it
could be as simple as sourdough.

150
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:59,444
I just saw a thing on TV about
that New Orleans Jazz Festival
that'’s this weekend.

151
00:07:59,548 --> 00:08:00,997
I always wanted to see that.

152
00:08:01,101 --> 00:08:03,344
You don'’t have a job.
I got nothing but free time.

153
00:08:03,448 --> 00:08:04,414
When do we leave?

154
00:08:06,037 --> 00:08:09,350
Did I do something with my face
that looked like an invite?

155
00:08:09,454 --> 00:08:12,250
No, come on. Neville and Louise,
they'’re visiting their mom.

156
00:08:12,353 --> 00:08:14,355
I'’ve always wanted to see
New Orleans, right?

157
00:08:14,459 --> 00:08:18,187
Ride an airboat,
rassle a gator. [chuckles]

158
00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:21,259
Drink some hurricanes,
rassle a bigger gator.

159
00:08:22,709 --> 00:08:25,401
We'’d have to jump on a plane
basically tonight.

160
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:26,920
It'’s a fun town.

161
00:08:27,023 --> 00:08:28,197
A little tricky to land in.

162
00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:30,855
There'’s usually a naked
drunk guy on the runway

163
00:08:30,957 --> 00:08:32,788
yelling, "Who that big bird?"

164
00:08:35,273 --> 00:08:38,138
Come on. You never do
anything for yourself.
Just live a little.

165
00:08:38,241 --> 00:08:39,553
I don'’t know.

166
00:08:39,657 --> 00:08:43,764
Jet-setting across the globe
seems a little chichi, don'’t it?

167
00:08:43,868 --> 00:08:45,214
You got the unwrapped cheese.

168
00:08:45,317 --> 00:08:46,940
There'’s no going back now.

169
00:08:47,699 --> 00:08:50,564
Uh, Mark, can I talk to you?

170
00:08:50,668 --> 00:08:51,738
Yeah, sure. What'’s up?

171
00:08:53,429 --> 00:08:58,952
So, um, I know this is going
to be kind of a shock to you,

172
00:08:59,055 --> 00:09:03,094
but you were accepted into
the University of Chicago.

173
00:09:03,197 --> 00:09:05,096
Did you submit me
for cadaver studies?

174
00:09:05,199 --> 00:09:07,788
I told you, I'’m not sure what I
want to donate and what I don'’t.

175
00:09:08,824 --> 00:09:10,446
No. Uh.

176
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:13,069
You were accepted as
a transfer student,

177
00:09:13,173 --> 00:09:17,177
and we can'’t afford the tuition,
but isn'’t that great?

178
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:19,938
You know-- I mean, you should
be really proud of yourself.

179
00:09:20,042 --> 00:09:21,802
Well, that'’s
impossible. I never applied.

180
00:09:21,906 --> 00:09:24,322
Did I also enlist
in the Marine Corps? [chuckles]

181
00:09:25,772 --> 00:09:28,637
Becky found the application
on your old laptop

182
00:09:28,740 --> 00:09:30,915
and, of course,
she submitted it,

183
00:09:31,018 --> 00:09:33,124
because, you know, this family
never developed boundaries.

184
00:09:36,023 --> 00:09:37,369
Tha-- Thanks for telling me.

185
00:09:38,647 --> 00:09:39,648
Uh, hey.

186
00:09:41,270 --> 00:09:44,584
Look, I know you'’re disappointed
that you can'’t go,
and that'’s okay.

187
00:09:44,687 --> 00:09:46,275
Right. I knew we
couldn'’t afford it.

188
00:09:46,378 --> 00:09:47,587
That'’s why I didn't apply.

189
00:09:47,690 --> 00:09:49,761
Okay, but this is proof

190
00:09:49,865 --> 00:09:52,453
of how smart and talented
you are, right?

191
00:09:52,557 --> 00:09:53,869
I guess that'’ll be our secret.

192
00:09:53,972 --> 00:09:56,319
As long as I go to SAD U,
nobody has to know.

193
00:09:57,527 --> 00:09:59,633
Come on. You can do
anything with your life,

194
00:09:59,737 --> 00:10:01,117
expensive school or not.

195
00:10:01,221 --> 00:10:03,879
And one day,
this will be a great story
you'’ll tell your kids.

196
00:10:03,982 --> 00:10:06,606
"Daddy couldn'’t afford to go
to the University of Chicago,

197
00:10:06,709 --> 00:10:08,884
but now he'’s a famous"--

198
00:10:08,987 --> 00:10:11,300
Cadaver at the
University of Chicago.

199
00:10:15,338 --> 00:10:17,962
[sighs] I'’m starting to feel
like this is a bad idea.

200
00:10:18,065 --> 00:10:22,414
I told you not to slam that
Oreo Blast milkshake
before you got on the plane.

201
00:10:22,518 --> 00:10:24,140
It'’s not about that.

202
00:10:24,244 --> 00:10:27,730
I just get the feeling
we'’re gonna crash
somewhere in the mountains

203
00:10:27,834 --> 00:10:30,008
and I'’m gonna have
to eat the guy in 43E.

204
00:10:31,976 --> 00:10:33,563
What are you talking about?

205
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:36,739
[stammers] Y-You know how it
goes. I just paid off the house.

206
00:10:36,843 --> 00:10:38,638
Every time the
Conners get a win,

207
00:10:38,741 --> 00:10:42,020
it'’s just a matter of time
before something horrible
happens to us.

208
00:10:42,124 --> 00:10:45,679
Well, you might have
mentioned that to me before
I got on the plane with you.

209
00:10:45,783 --> 00:10:47,198
Now, come on.
You'’re being ridiculous.

210
00:10:47,301 --> 00:10:49,752
That'’s just a bunch
of superstitious nonsense.

211
00:10:49,856 --> 00:10:51,547
Backed up by
decades of experience.

212
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:55,206
You just need to relax
and think of all the fun
we'’re gonna have in New Orleans.

213
00:10:55,309 --> 00:10:57,242
I am thinking about that.

214
00:10:57,346 --> 00:11:00,556
Those guys with umbrellas
dancing and playing the trumpets

215
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:03,110
while they carry our coffins
through the street.

216
00:11:05,009 --> 00:11:06,562
[passenger, Jackie grunt]

217
00:11:07,874 --> 00:11:10,186
I'’m sorry. Does this bin look
like your coat closet?

218
00:11:10,290 --> 00:11:13,465
Because some people
wanna use it correctly.

219
00:11:14,225 --> 00:11:15,398
[grunts]

220
00:11:17,435 --> 00:11:18,470
There.

221
00:11:18,574 --> 00:11:20,576
Next time, don'’t
hog up the space.

222
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,543
[chuckles] Here it is.

223
00:11:22,647 --> 00:11:24,580
Right on schedule.

224
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:27,134
Nobody else is getting up
to help this poor woman

225
00:11:27,238 --> 00:11:30,655
because God put him
right here to ruin my life.

226
00:11:30,759 --> 00:11:32,622
No, Dan.
Don'’t-Don't-- Don'’t get up.

227
00:11:32,726 --> 00:11:35,625
Dan, your life was ruined
way long time ago.

228
00:11:37,248 --> 00:11:38,801
Excuse me, friend.

229
00:11:38,905 --> 00:11:41,148
How'’s about picking up
the lady'’s coat and purse

230
00:11:41,252 --> 00:11:43,254
and putting it back
where you found it?

231
00:11:43,357 --> 00:11:45,221
How'’s about you
mind your own business?

232
00:11:45,325 --> 00:11:47,499
No. Please just do it
and sit down. Please.

233
00:11:47,603 --> 00:11:50,261
'’Cause he was already
talking about eating
another passenger.

234
00:11:52,228 --> 00:11:54,472
Just stay out of it
unless you want trouble.

235
00:11:55,611 --> 00:11:57,061
I like trouble.

236
00:11:58,579 --> 00:11:59,719
Pick up the purse.

237
00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:02,791
Pick up the purse now.

238
00:12:08,658 --> 00:12:11,075
-Okay. Count to ten.
[clears throat]
-Why?

239
00:12:11,178 --> 00:12:13,422
That'’s how long it's gonna take
'’em to throw me off the plane.

240
00:12:13,525 --> 00:12:14,975
[sighs]

241
00:12:15,079 --> 00:12:17,529
Hi. Uh. Do you mind
if I keep the magazine?

242
00:12:17,633 --> 00:12:20,947
Uh-- I'’m interested in that
thing that turns my bathtub
into a whirlpool.

243
00:12:21,050 --> 00:12:23,673
[chuckles] Actually, sir,
please stay seated.

244
00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:25,848
Uh-- Anytime that there'’s
a passenger altercation,

245
00:12:25,952 --> 00:12:27,747
I need to go inform the pilot.

246
00:12:27,850 --> 00:12:30,508
-[Jackie sighs]
-Oh, God.

247
00:12:30,611 --> 00:12:31,992
I'’m going to airport jail.

248
00:12:33,338 --> 00:12:35,824
I'’m gonna party down
before they toss us.

249
00:12:35,927 --> 00:12:37,101
Hey. Oh, pardon me.

250
00:12:37,204 --> 00:12:40,035
Could we get four bourbon sodas
while we wait?

251
00:12:40,621 --> 00:12:41,795
To go.

252
00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:45,523
Hey, I found another one.

253
00:12:45,626 --> 00:12:50,355
Why is Beverly Rose wearing
a T-shirt that says,
"US out of my uterus"?

254
00:12:52,150 --> 00:12:53,151
Oh, no, that'’s mine.

255
00:12:53,255 --> 00:12:54,497
And can you hand-wash that?

256
00:12:54,601 --> 00:12:57,190
I got a feeling it'’s gotta last
for the next four years.

257
00:12:57,293 --> 00:12:58,743
[knocks on door]

258
00:12:58,847 --> 00:13:01,297
[sighs heavily]

259
00:13:03,679 --> 00:13:04,991
[Mark sighs]

260
00:13:05,094 --> 00:13:06,509
Uh-- Oh, my God.

261
00:13:06,613 --> 00:13:08,132
W-What'’s going on? Are you okay?

262
00:13:08,235 --> 00:13:09,202
I'’m thriving.

263
00:13:09,305 --> 00:13:12,412
-[scoffs]
-What did he do?

264
00:13:12,515 --> 00:13:15,346
Well, he got drunk
and rented one of those
Bird scooter thingies,

265
00:13:15,449 --> 00:13:18,383
and grabbed somebody'’s chalupa
in a Taco Bell drive-through.

266
00:13:19,868 --> 00:13:22,146
-Oh, for God'’s sakes, Mark.
-Not done.

267
00:13:23,319 --> 00:13:24,804
He then drove onto
a mini-golf course,

268
00:13:24,907 --> 00:13:27,737
tried to Evel Knievel
the moat in front
of Humpty Dumpty'’s castle

269
00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:30,188
and wound up in the pond
where we picked him up.

270
00:13:31,362 --> 00:13:32,777
Okay. Is he under arrest?

271
00:13:32,881 --> 00:13:34,848
Nah, he didn'’t
really cause any damage.

272
00:13:34,952 --> 00:13:37,333
And we had to fold him up
like an origami swan

273
00:13:37,437 --> 00:13:39,197
just to get him in
the back of the car.

274
00:13:40,785 --> 00:13:42,442
Thank you so much.

275
00:13:43,339 --> 00:13:44,893
Got my Christmas card.

276
00:13:47,930 --> 00:13:49,380
Hey.

277
00:13:49,483 --> 00:13:50,933
What the hell were you thinking?

278
00:13:51,037 --> 00:13:53,729
I was thinking I could
clear that moat. [scoffs]

279
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,110
Hey. Hey.

280
00:13:55,213 --> 00:13:57,940
I did a lot of dumb stuff
when I was drinking too,

281
00:13:58,044 --> 00:14:01,461
and you are incredibly lucky
every time something horrible
doesn'’t happen to you--

282
00:14:01,564 --> 00:14:03,118
I don'’t wanna hear it.

283
00:14:03,221 --> 00:14:05,292
I don'’t wanna hear anything
from anybody in this family.

284
00:14:05,396 --> 00:14:06,638
-Mark.
-No.

285
00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:09,193
I-I know the world isn'’t fair.

286
00:14:09,296 --> 00:14:12,852
I knew I was a smart kid
in a below-average school

287
00:14:12,955 --> 00:14:14,370
who'’d wind up below average.

288
00:14:14,474 --> 00:14:17,028
Now I got into a really
great school, and guess what.

289
00:14:17,132 --> 00:14:20,376
I can'’t go, 'cause
I'’m one of you people.

290
00:14:22,068 --> 00:14:23,276
Yeah. Yeah.

291
00:14:23,379 --> 00:14:25,450
That'’s right. I
said, "You people."

292
00:14:27,142 --> 00:14:30,110
And not just '’cause I forgot
all your names '’cause I'm drunk.

293
00:14:31,663 --> 00:14:33,251
All right, Mark. That'’s enough.

294
00:14:33,355 --> 00:14:35,771
I'’m sick of it.
I'’m sick of being a Conner.

295
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,429
Everything about
this dumb family sucks.

296
00:14:38,532 --> 00:14:40,776
You never should'’ve sent in
that application.

297
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,572
You never
should'’ve told me I got in.

298
00:14:43,675 --> 00:14:48,128
And you never should have
put the Bird scooter app
on my phone.

299
00:14:52,167 --> 00:14:57,241
Th-This started out funny,
and now it'’s-it's kinda sad.

300
00:14:57,344 --> 00:14:59,415
Hey. Why don'’t you
go in the kitchen?

301
00:14:59,519 --> 00:15:00,589
I'’ll get you sobered up.

302
00:15:00,692 --> 00:15:02,832
Sounds nice. I'’m
tired now. [sighs]

303
00:15:06,008 --> 00:15:07,596
Look at what you'’ve done.

304
00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:10,461
He was a little disappointed

305
00:15:10,564 --> 00:15:12,912
because he was at SAD U,
and now he'’s spiraling.

306
00:15:13,015 --> 00:15:17,157
You know, I had the whole
college thing figured out,
and you undid it all.

307
00:15:17,261 --> 00:15:18,952
Oh, did you?

308
00:15:19,056 --> 00:15:21,955
Or is part of the reason
you'’re so mad you took a job
that you hate

309
00:15:22,059 --> 00:15:23,681
and it didn'’t
really solve anything?

310
00:15:23,784 --> 00:15:25,614
Yes, of course that bothers me.

311
00:15:26,270 --> 00:15:28,306
How did you help? Huh?

312
00:15:28,410 --> 00:15:32,932
Now that Mark knows what
could'’ve been, he's completely
disappointed with what is.

313
00:15:33,035 --> 00:15:34,381
Just you wait.

314
00:15:34,485 --> 00:15:37,660
I'’m gonna give Beverly Rose hope
when you least expect it.

315
00:15:45,151 --> 00:15:46,152
[Dan sighs]

316
00:15:46,255 --> 00:15:47,877
Our flight attendant told me
what happened,

317
00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:49,879
and you'’re not in
any kind of trouble.

318
00:15:49,983 --> 00:15:53,538
-Really?
-We have an unruly passenger
on almost every flight,

319
00:15:53,642 --> 00:15:58,336
and it'’s so rare that someone
steps in and de-escalates it
without getting physical.

320
00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:00,718
Most people just
film the whole thing.

321
00:16:00,821 --> 00:16:03,824
Could you say that again?
I had it on panorama, not video.

322
00:16:04,860 --> 00:16:06,379
When you folks
land in New Orleans,

323
00:16:06,482 --> 00:16:08,864
we'’d love to give you
some vouchers for your
next flight, free of charge.

324
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,935
-Oh.
-Wow, thank you.

325
00:16:11,039 --> 00:16:13,662
No, thank you. And
enjoy your drinks.

326
00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:15,491
Save a little bourbon for me.

327
00:16:15,595 --> 00:16:18,218
I like to reward myself
after a smooth takeoff.

328
00:16:19,426 --> 00:16:22,774
-Your jokes scare me.
-[Jackie, pilot laughing]

329
00:16:22,878 --> 00:16:24,086
You see now?

330
00:16:24,190 --> 00:16:26,778
You were all worried
about God punishing you,

331
00:16:26,882 --> 00:16:29,022
and then something
even better happened.

332
00:16:29,126 --> 00:16:30,092
[laughs]

333
00:16:30,196 --> 00:16:31,749
What are you
saying now? God is fair?

334
00:16:31,852 --> 00:16:35,373
I'’m just saying that
you-you'’re always waiting
for the other shoe to drop

335
00:16:35,477 --> 00:16:38,859
and-- and then you never enjoy
all the good things that happen.

336
00:16:38,963 --> 00:16:41,759
You know, you'’re just constantly
always looking everywhere
for shoes.

337
00:16:41,862 --> 00:16:43,623
There'’s a point in there
somewhere. You work it out.

338
00:16:43,726 --> 00:16:45,073
I'’m gonna get stinko.

339
00:16:46,384 --> 00:16:47,903
No, y-you'’re right.

340
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:50,630
I'’m not enjoying my
life the way I should.

341
00:16:50,733 --> 00:16:53,219
I thought the kids
would bring me joy.

342
00:16:53,322 --> 00:16:55,876
Made that mistake three times.

343
00:16:55,980 --> 00:16:58,189
Well, look at me. Look at me.
I'’m on a plane.

344
00:16:58,293 --> 00:16:59,742
I'’m heading for New Orleans.

345
00:16:59,846 --> 00:17:03,263
I just need to start
appreciating good things
when they come along.

346
00:17:03,367 --> 00:17:05,058
Hell, I just got
free airline tickets.

347
00:17:05,162 --> 00:17:06,369
Yeah, and free booze.

348
00:17:06,473 --> 00:17:08,786
And for once in my
life, middle shelf.

349
00:17:08,888 --> 00:17:10,029
Ooh.

350
00:17:10,132 --> 00:17:13,272
Sir, your bag has to be
completely out of the aisle,

351
00:17:13,377 --> 00:17:15,896
or we'’ll have to
check it before takeoff.

352
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,381
[passenger sighs, clears throat]

353
00:17:19,416 --> 00:17:21,005
-Hey, hero.
-Yeah?

354
00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:25,078
Maybe you should put
my bag under your feet
so I can sit here comfortably.

355
00:17:27,839 --> 00:17:31,050
Ah. You'’re not gonna be
my hero too?

356
00:17:31,153 --> 00:17:35,847
You'’re just gonna be that big,
dumb lump of stupid
that you look like?

357
00:17:37,263 --> 00:17:39,817
Well, just so you know,

358
00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:42,854
I'’m gonna be kicking
the back of your seat

359
00:17:42,958 --> 00:17:46,444
all the way to New Orleans
like Phil Collins.

360
00:17:46,548 --> 00:17:48,826
You'’re gonna be in
the air tonight, bitch.

361
00:17:49,758 --> 00:17:51,829
Don'’t-- Don't take the bait.

362
00:17:51,932 --> 00:17:52,933
[sighs]

363
00:17:54,349 --> 00:17:55,660
I'’m gonna use the head.

364
00:17:55,764 --> 00:17:57,145
You need anything?

365
00:17:57,248 --> 00:17:59,457
Something for you
and your service dog?

366
00:18:01,839 --> 00:18:03,772
[breathes deeply]

367
00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:05,118
Just so you know,

368
00:18:06,533 --> 00:18:09,640
I'’m fully aware that God isn't
making this bad thing happen.

369
00:18:09,743 --> 00:18:12,021
Punching this guy
in the face is my decision.

370
00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:13,195
Yeah, yeah. No, I got you.

371
00:18:13,299 --> 00:18:15,853
Just give me a second to get out
of panorama mode.

372
00:18:15,956 --> 00:18:17,061
Okay. No.

373
00:18:17,165 --> 00:18:19,546
Oops. I just called 911.
[sniffs, clears throat]

374
00:18:20,513 --> 00:18:21,514
And action.

375
00:18:25,828 --> 00:18:27,382
Oh.

376
00:18:28,728 --> 00:18:32,318
There'’s the look of someone
who'’s loving college.

377
00:18:33,353 --> 00:18:35,907
So you'’re not going
to New Orleans, huh?

378
00:18:36,011 --> 00:18:37,668
Jackie sent me all the videos.

379
00:18:37,771 --> 00:18:40,291
Plus one weird
panorama of the plane.

380
00:18:41,465 --> 00:18:44,019
Oh, we'’re still going.
We'’re just taking the bus.

381
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,159
Where a six-pack of
beer is your carry-on.

382
00:18:46,884 --> 00:18:48,403
And you'’re here because?

383
00:18:48,506 --> 00:18:51,578
I didn'’t have a
carry-on, and now I do.

384
00:18:52,338 --> 00:18:53,339
Toodles.

385
00:18:55,203 --> 00:18:57,239
-Brought you
some more Pedialyte.
-[sighs]

386
00:18:57,343 --> 00:18:58,413
How you feeling?

387
00:18:58,516 --> 00:18:59,724
[sighs]

388
00:18:59,828 --> 00:19:02,727
I'’m really sorry
about what I said last night.

389
00:19:02,831 --> 00:19:04,488
Booze really sets people off.

390
00:19:04,591 --> 00:19:06,317
We'’d probably all
get along a lot better

391
00:19:06,421 --> 00:19:08,077
if we didn'’t have any alcohol
in the house.

392
00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:09,700
Oh, no. We tried that once.

393
00:19:09,803 --> 00:19:11,011
It made things worse.

394
00:19:13,082 --> 00:19:16,569
Look, I know that getting into
that school stirred up
a lot of stuff.

395
00:19:16,672 --> 00:19:21,194
[sighs] It'’s killing me
that I actually got into
the University of Chicago.

396
00:19:21,298 --> 00:19:23,748
And I keep trying to think
of a way to get there.

397
00:19:23,852 --> 00:19:27,166
But all I can come up with
is, um, not going back to SAD

398
00:19:27,269 --> 00:19:30,341
and working to try
to save up the money,
and I know that'’s not an option.

399
00:19:31,031 --> 00:19:32,136
Why not?

400
00:19:33,689 --> 00:19:35,967
You'’d be okay
with me dropping out of school?

401
00:19:36,554 --> 00:19:37,417
Yeah.

402
00:19:38,349 --> 00:19:39,799
But you sacrificed a great job

403
00:19:39,902 --> 00:19:41,283
for me to go there.

404
00:19:41,387 --> 00:19:43,768
Yeah, but I did it because
I wanted you to be happy,

405
00:19:43,872 --> 00:19:44,976
and you'’re not happy.

406
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:46,875
Even after I made you a janitor.

407
00:19:46,978 --> 00:19:49,291
So clearly,
you'’re unsatisfiable.

408
00:19:52,260 --> 00:19:53,261
Mom.

409
00:19:54,262 --> 00:19:55,573
Oh, I'’m telling you.

410
00:19:55,677 --> 00:19:57,092
I'’m fine.

411
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,990
You do what you gotta do.

412
00:19:59,094 --> 00:20:01,717
It may mean taking
more than a year off.

413
00:20:02,925 --> 00:20:04,996
Or you could solve
a math problem

414
00:20:05,100 --> 00:20:06,722
in the hallway
and get a full ride.

415
00:20:09,484 --> 00:20:10,588
Good Will Hunting.

416
00:20:11,831 --> 00:20:13,764
Matt Damon. He'’s a janitor.

417
00:20:16,629 --> 00:20:18,147
"It'’s not your fault."

418
00:20:20,288 --> 00:20:22,566
I don'’t-- I-I don't
know what this is.

419
00:20:24,015 --> 00:20:25,500
"It'’s not your fault.

420
00:20:27,571 --> 00:20:29,780
Will, it'’s not your fault."

421
00:20:31,022 --> 00:20:32,438
I'’m leaving now.

422
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:35,993
"Frankly, my dear, I
don'’t give a damn."

423
00:20:38,306 --> 00:20:41,826
Come on, man. Get your nose
out of the books and watch
a movie once in a while.

424
00:20:46,693 --> 00:20:48,833
-So, you guys had fun
in the Big Easy?
-[Dan] Yep.

425
00:20:48,937 --> 00:20:51,215
And while we were there,
we hit up a voodoo store.

426
00:20:51,319 --> 00:20:54,943
We brought everybody back
culturally inappropriate
souvenirs.

427
00:20:55,046 --> 00:20:56,289
[Becky] Oh.

428
00:20:56,393 --> 00:20:59,050
For Darlene, a voodoo doll.

429
00:20:59,154 --> 00:21:00,431
Ah.

430
00:21:00,535 --> 00:21:03,779
If you find a big hole in one
of your pajama tops next week,

431
00:21:03,883 --> 00:21:05,988
it'’s not because I made
a pantsuit for this.

432
00:21:07,127 --> 00:21:08,957
And for Becky and Tyler,

433
00:21:09,060 --> 00:21:12,374
a bag of love herbs
to keep those fires burning.

434
00:21:13,548 --> 00:21:16,965
And for you, a
box of chicken bones

435
00:21:17,068 --> 00:21:20,831
blessed by a voodoo priestess
to help divine your future.

436
00:21:20,934 --> 00:21:23,247
Some of these still
have meat on them.

437
00:21:23,351 --> 00:21:26,526
We forgot your gift and hit
a Popeyes on our way back.

438
00:21:28,528 --> 00:21:29,529
[baby giggles]