[laughing]
So, Darlene, you gonna quit working at the cafeteria
now that Mark'’s not going back to Stephen A. Douglas?
Oh, as soon as possible.
School'’s on break, so I had to replace all the students on work study
with convicts on work release.
One of them was a meth cook, so guess who'’s gonna be the new sous-chef?
[laughs]
You'’re not the only one looking to make a change.
I think addiction counseling might be a little too close to home for me.
Yeah, that was so stressful. You had a breakdown.
You know, you should take it easy.
Like right now, you should-- you should probably fold.
You'’re not gonna win this with a pair of twos.
Ooh.
I wanna stay in women'’s issues though,
so I put myself up for an internship at the Illinois Center for Women.
As someone who'’s dealt with women'’s issues his entire life,
why the hell would you wanna do that?
To catch the psychological problems of young women early,
and get them support so they don'’t end up like...
-us. -Mmm. Mmm.
Do they treat gambling and emotional eating?
Hmm. I raise.
You know, I feel so sorry for people like that.
Is this pizza making you guys happy?
[laughs] It'’s making me so happy.
Hey. Uh, I'’m not gonna have time for dinner,
so is it okay if I grab a slice?
Don'’t they let you take a break between jobs?
No, and I think I'’m gonna need to take a third job to make my tuition.
Any ideas?
Why don'’t you take things off of high shelves
and hand them to smaller people?
No. No, no. What if you put, um, stars on top of Christmas trees? [laughs]
-[laughing] -Okay, I get it.
I'’m the one tall person you guys know.
Okay, I'’m out. I'm not doing anything at all tomorrow.
Anybody wanna hang out?
Hmm.
No? Well, your loss.
I'’m gonna drive around
and, uh, look for one of those Trader Joe'’s mini tote bags
that are going on eBay for, like, a thousand bucks.
Okay. Could we just focus on the game, please?
The raise is to you, Becky, and it is...
uh, $200.
What?
The whole pot is 40 cents and a half-eaten candy cane.
Well, I gotta get some more money to pay the bills somehow.
You know, like gas, water, electric, groceries.
Everything is up.
I'’ll see your 200,
and raise you a million gazillion dollars.
Okay, fine. Then it'’s $200 to you, Harris.
You live with me too. So it'’s only fair.
I think I can help with costs. I'’m moving out.
Fold.
Wait, what?
Wow. Bombshell.
Also, me too.
Hey, what do you mean you'’re moving out?
Well, I just applied for a one bedroom.
I'’m making enough at The Lunch Box now,
and I-- I want to know what it'’s like to finally be able to smoke weed
in the comfort of my own home.
My car was really starting to smell
like Snoop Dogg'’s tour bus.
I thought you stopped smoking weed.
Eh.
-What'’s your excuse? -[door closes]
You'’re not living in a Cheech and Chong movie.
Tyler and I have been talking about all of us moving in together.
He has to get out of his house ASAP
'’cause his mom isn't "comfortable" with our relationship.
She keeps calling me the other woman.
Okay, so then what this is really about is your desperation to hang on to Tyler.
So you'’re gonna live with him way before you'’re ready.
Who says I'’m not ready?
This is the exact same thing you did with Mark
in Minnesota, right?
You rush into that situation without thinking it through.
Then you'’re like, "Oh, no. I'’m stranded here."
I was a teenager then. I'’m a grown woman now.
Yeah. And you got a kid. You'’re not even thinking about how this might affect her.
So you'’re trying to use my daughter to get what you want?
Go to hell.
Well, I think somebody'’s gotta look out for her.
The only thing you'’re looking out for is money,
you greedy little gargoyle.
Don'’t you have a Gothic church to perch on somewhere?
[Becky] The Conners is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Hey, Grandpa, do you have time to teach me how to drive a truck?
No, not right now.
Jackie'’s on the five-yard line.
Oh!
You kids are really lucky you'’re getting your ball back.
Now, stay out of my yard.
Hey, what are you asking Dan for anyway?
I'’m the one who used to be a truck driver.
And now that the statute of limitations has run out,
I can get back behind the wheel anytime I want.
Except for in, uh-- Except not Kentucky and, um...
Alaska.
What a shame.
I only need to drive in Kentucky and Alaska.
It'’d be great if you could teach me.
I have to drive a tow truck tonight.
I got a job with a repo company.
No way am I gonna help you repo somebody'’s car.
Please, Grandpa. This is the only night job where I can make enough money
to afford the University of Chicago.
It doesn'’t matter. It'’s too dangerous.
I caught some guy repo'’ing my truck one time.
It was 4th of July,
and I hit him in the head with a bottle rocket.
I didn'’t know he was wearing hair spray.
He'’s not gonna be the one taking the heat.
I'’ve seen plenty of these shady repo operations.
Mark is obviously the decoy.
They like to use bland young boys to distract the car owners
with the good news of Jesus Christ.
They hired me because Illinois law requires
the computer system of any repo car to be cleared of personal data.
A guy I met at school, the Raven, taught me how to do it.
I feel so much better knowing
you were trained by the Raven.
You don'’t understand. I have to make this money now.
I just found out the university'’s only gonna hold my spot for a year.
Damn. All right, well, it looks like I'’m coming with you to keep you safe.
And I'’m coming along to keep you both safe.
I'’m legally allowed to carry a Taser again.
[laughs] Just practicing my aim and, uh...
Girl Scout comes out of nowhere.
[sighs] I had to buy a lot of thin mints to make that go away. I tell you.
[chuckles]
-Hey. -Hey.
So, Becky losing her mind turned out good for you.
Just 50 extra bucks a month, and you can have the big bedroom.
I thought it was 200.
Oh, no. Becky'’s really the big water and energy waster.
I mean, a bath every day for Beverly Rose? She'’s seven.
She'’s just gonna run outside
and start playing with a dead squirrel again.
Yeah, I still don'’t think we need to wait
for Ben to come back to pick that up.
[sighs] It doesn'’t matter anyways.
I just found out that they won'’t rent to me
unless I have a cosigner.
That'’s a shame.
Although, there is another place that'’ll accept me.
How would you feel about me living by the old abandoned amusement park?
I heard singing coming from the fun house, so I wouldn'’t be alone.
-Harris, I can'’t cosign for you. -[sighs]
We don'’t know when Ben's gonna start bringing in money from the new magazine,
and if you fall behind on rent, I'’m on the hook,
and then I can'’t help Mark.
It'’s just a bad time.
[sighs] When is a good time?
You'’re always helping Mark.
Look, this is a very special opportunity for him that is happening right now.
Just be patient, and I'’m sure, in the future,
I will be in a position to help you.
I'’m sure, in the future, I'’ll be in a position to help you too.
But I'’m gonna buy an aboveground swimming pool
instead of your heart medication.
Well, this is a good step.
At least you'’re acknowledging that I have a heart.
-How'’s it going? -Erasing the data now.
Oh, man, my cop training
really helping me put together a profile of this deadbeat.
This little spoon? Cooking dope.
Cheerios and Froot Loops all over the place?
Munchies from smoking the ganj.
Pacifier and diaper? A kinky hooker was involved.
This is so easy.
Every time one of these losers buys a car they can'’t afford,
I get one step closer to paying my tuition.
Hey, what the hell are you doing?
-Get away from my car! -Hold it, hold it.
We'’re just doing our jobs.
You can get your car out of impound when you catch up on your payments.
I'’m charging the Taser. Keep her talking.
Oh, God. My ex is supposed to be making the payments.
Yeah, yeah, look, we have to do this.
So just stay back, nobody gets hurt.
They didn'’t give me a battery for this thing.
So, when I throw it at her, you rush her.
Please, please, please don'’t take my car.
I need it to drive to work and get my daughter to preschool.
[scoffs] Oh, you got a kid?
Who are you fooling?
I found your dope spoon
and your sweet cereal munchies, and your diaper,
and your pacifier.
Oh, she'’s got a kid.
Look, can'’t you cut me a break just this one time?
I-I promise I will make sure that they get a payment.
-Dan? -[softly] Yeah.
-[sighs] I mean, what are we doing here? -[Mark sighs]
No amount of money is worth this.
-We'’re not taking her car. -Yeah, I can'’t do this.
-Uh, look, we'’re not gonna take your car... -[car owner sighs]
...but they'’ll probably send somebody else over to get it.
The best thing you can do is park a couple of blocks away.
And another thing I'’ve seen people do,
uh, is you get, like, a six-foot python.
You put that in the car.
But whatever you do, and this is important,
you remember you take it out before you put the kid in,
'’cause there's nothing worse than finding a python
with a kid-shaped lump in your back seat.
You did the right thing.
[sighs] I'’m stupid for thinking that I can make enough money
to go to a school like the University of Chicago.
Things have a way of working out
that you can'’t see when you'’re in the thick of it.
Stop telling me I can do this. It'’s obvious I can't.
Maybe I'’m not supposed to go to college.
Just-- Just let it go.
I saw a picture of her daughter.
No snake'’s gonna be able to get their mouth
around that bowling ball head.
Can we talk?
We can do it by the light of my phone
if you don'’t wanna pay for the overhead light.
I'’m not an unreasonable person. We can talk.
Here'’s $200.
I don'’t want you to think I was taking advantage while I was living here.
[scoffs] I don'’t want your money.
You don'’t have to prove to me you'’re not greedy.
I know you'’re greedy. It's okay.
No, that'’s not the point.
What is the point? Tyler?
Sure. It'’s about Tyler.
[mockingly] Everything'’s about Tyler.
Are you trying to be ironic? You said it was about Tyler?
Well, it'’s about a lot of things. God!
Can you tell me the things that are neither Tyler nor the money?
Why do I have to do all the telling around here?
Why don'’t you tell for once?
You'’re losing your mind. I don't know what you'’re talking about.
[chuckling] Oh. Well, that says it all right there.
If an ambulance pulls up to the house,
don'’t ask, just get in.
Don'’t go in the kitchen. Becky'’s being weird.
Where have you guys been?
Dan and I have never been to a rave,
and we asked Mark to take us.
And we'’re all on acid,
so don'’t ask us any more questions.
I didn'’t want her to worry. And you went right to drugs.
[sighs] I took a job repo'’ing cars,
but I couldn'’t go through with it.
Why are you doing crazy, dangerous things?
Well, crazy and dangerous is what pays good money.
I only have a year. I had to try.
Look... [scoffs]
...I know how important this is to you,
but I don'’t want you risking your life.
-[Mark sighs] -Okay. You know what?
I'’m gonna keep working at the cafeteria
just in case you go back to Stephen A. Douglas.
I am not going back to SAD.
I know how much you hate that job.
I don'’t want you doing that for me anymore.
Well, no, I-I really like the kids,
and I like looking up their slang when I get home at night.
Mark, you can'’t do this on your own.
I'’m gonna get a job to help you out.
All I'’ve been doing since the hardware store burned down
is sitting around trying new peanut butters.
I-I can get a job too.
I mean, yesterday, I played checkers for two hours at McDonald'’s
with this Armenian guy, and he'’s damn good.
But I just... [smacks lips] ...I need more.
You guys worked your whole lives so you could retire.
You'’re not going back to work because of me.
Son, this family has struggled for generations.
If we'’ve ever had the opportunity to break that cycle,
you'’re the one to do it.
And it'’s not just about you.
It'’s all about all the Conners to come after you.
They'’re gonna come after you for money.
They'’re gonna come after you for houses.
Listen, Mark, we all love you.
I mean, we want to do this for you.
No... [stammers] ...I'’m tired of being a burden.
I don'’t-- I don't want anybody sacrificing anything for me.
Okay? Just get on with your lives.
Or go and get lives, and then get on with them.
[knocking on door]
Hey, Raven.
It'’s the Raven.
I'’ll let it slide. Come on in.
I'’m glad you finally came around.
Doing that repo thing is a waste of time.
This is where the real money'’s made.
That'’s Lloyd over there. He goes by the Falcon.
-Hey, Falcon-- -Hey! Never talk to the Falcon.
Okay, so what kind of hacking will I be doing exactly?
You know how you get a ton of annoying emails
from dodgy businesses you'’ve never heard of
trying to sell you stuff?
That'’s us.
So how do you make money at that?
Those businesses hire us to hack into big corporate systems
and borrow their email lists.
I think there'’s a word for borrowing without permission.
It'’s called stealing.
But where else are you supposed to make this kind of money?
Nowhere, I guess. That'’s-- That's why I'’m here.
The best thing to do is concentrate on the fact that we'’re helping people
who want to buy $800 sneakers for 20 bucks.
W-Wow. Those only cost you $20?
Aw, that'’s so cute. You'’ve never seen nice things.
These are real.
You see the Falcon'’s sunglasses?
They cost more than your dad'’s car.
I haven'’t seen my dad in years.
Make enough money doing this, and he'’ll come right back. [clicks tongue]
All right. I'’m in.
Well, if you'’re gonna be one of us, you gotta have a bird alias.
What you thinking, the Falcon?
The Stork?
-Is it the long legs? -Hey.
Never question the Falcon.
Congratulate me.
I got a job coding.
It'’s a Fortune 500 company. They have offices in eight cities.
Oh, my God. That'’s amazing. [stammers] What do they do?
Marketing research.
It'’s an ad tech company.
They, uh, they use algorithms, uh, to reconfigure data and--
-Sounds neat. -Doesn'’t it?
Oh, Grandpa. I got a job where the money is so good,
you and Aunt Jackie don'’t need to get a job, and Mom can quit SAD.
-That'’s fantastic. -I know.
It'’s almost too good to be true.
-But it'’s not. It is true. [chuckles] -[Dan chuckles]
I'’m happy for the kid. [inhales deeply]
Well, I'’m still gonna get another job.
What? You don'’t have faith that he can make it work?
You never know what'’s gonna happen.
Companies downsize, there'’s layoffs.
Plus, since... [sighs] ...I ran out of peanut butters,
I'’m bored senseless.
I fed pigeons yesterday.
I spent the whole day with a bunch of flying rats.
And we'’re meeting up again on Thursday.
Did you come over here to tell me that?
Because that'’s the kind of thing you can just shoot over in a text.
Nope. I talked to Becky earlier.
She said you'’ve been acting irrational.
Oh, yeah. [chuckles]
If-- If it'’s irrational to try to keep your sister
from moving out with some guy she hardly knows,
then, yes, I am irrational.
Let'’s consider a different perspective on this.
Just for a moment, shall we?
I think you'’re full of crap.
What'’s going on?
I don'’t know. It'’s just all too much.
[chuckling] Like, the hardware store is gone.
Ben'’s off starting some crazy magazine.
I have no idea where I'’m gonna work.
Becky and Harris are leaving. I mean, why are they doing that to me?
They'’re not doing that to you.
They'’re just ready to leave.
Why don'’t you want them to?
I don'’t know. I mean, I guess when Mom died,
I-- I felt like I was supposed to take care of the family.
I felt like the family needed me.
I think I need the family.
[softly] God.
I knew I loved Harris. She'’s my kid.
But Becky, ugh! [imitates gagging]
Look, when you get older,
you wanna spend as much time as you can with the people you love.
This new Darlene is a mushy pile
of hugs and kisses for her family.
Besides, you'’re still gonna be there for them.
You just have to constantly drop in on them
with lame excuses, like I do with you.
Okay. Thanks, Dad.
You may unhug me now.
I can'’t. Your love is like a tractor beam.
Keep squeezing. She'’s still moving.
Once she'’s limp, you're done.
You'’re right. How can I not love that?
[Darlene sighs]
Sorry I survived the hug,
but I'’ve got good news.
I am gonna cosign for you.
You know, '’cause I love you.
-Are you serious? -Yes.
Thank you, Mom.
Maybe I'’m being overly sentimental,
but I'’m gonna give you 10% off any sandwich at The Lunch Box.
Monday through Thursday,
before 11:00 or after 5:00.
Avocado'’s still extra.
Uh, I'’m a vegan. I'’ll die without avocado.
-But, yeah, you know, your call. -[chuckles]
Hey. Mom just gave me a hug and told me she loved me.
Be careful.
Hey, I'’m just passing through.
Let'’s not do something we'’ll both regret.
Sit the hell down and let me be nice.
[Becky sighs]
I'’m sorry for what I said about Tyler.
I care about you and that'’s why I tried to destroy your last chance at love.
I guess I just wasn'’t ready
for you and Beverly Rose to move out.
But I actually do think that you should live with Tyler.
Okay. But you did say a few things that made sense.
Really? I did? '’Cause when I thought back on it, I was kind of mystified.
As much as I wanna live with him,
I don'’t wanna be stranded out there with Beverly Rose if it doesn'’t work out.
What if Tyler moves in here?
[chuckling] Really? You would do that?
Yeah.
I think it'’d be good for us to have kind of a test run on living together.
And you won'’t end up a lonely old woman
wandering the halls with lipstick smeared across your face.
[Darlene chuckles]
I'’m not gonna be lonely.
Once the magazine is set up, Ben'’s gonna come back.
Aw, you still think that?
Excuse me, the Falcon?
I-- I know I'’m not supposed to talk to you,
so I'’ll just talk, and you don'’t have to respond.
So... [stammers] ...my family, they'’ve made me, like, this golden child,
and I'’m supposed to save future generations of Conners,
and it'’s so much pressure, and I--
Gotcha. No personal talk.
What kind of stuff are you interested in?
Cat videos? Me too!
[baby giggles]