1 00:00:00,273 --> 00:00:02,695 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:05,227 --> 00:00:06,694 Mold on cheese is fine, right? 3 00:00:06,754 --> 00:00:08,414 Isn't that cheese's whole thing? 4 00:00:10,057 --> 00:00:11,327 Hey, while you're in there, 5 00:00:11,405 --> 00:00:13,344 can you make room for a 20-pound turkey? 6 00:00:13,895 --> 00:00:15,629 Uh, I don't know. 7 00:00:15,663 --> 00:00:16,874 Let me see. 8 00:00:20,004 --> 00:00:21,206 Done. 9 00:00:22,036 --> 00:00:24,868 What do we need a 20-pound Thanksgiving turkey for? 10 00:00:24,917 --> 00:00:27,986 Well, I always go with 2 1/2 pounds per person. 11 00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:31,603 So, six meat-eaters... there's your grandma, Bev... 12 00:00:31,674 --> 00:00:33,107 Going out of town. 13 00:00:33,132 --> 00:00:35,591 Oh, this is truly a time to be thankful. 14 00:00:37,293 --> 00:00:38,427 What about Jackie? 15 00:00:38,461 --> 00:00:40,696 Mm, not gonna happen. Or Becky. 16 00:00:40,730 --> 00:00:42,364 They're still furious at me 17 00:00:42,398 --> 00:00:44,300 about not letting them rent The Lunch Box. 18 00:00:44,340 --> 00:00:46,451 Come on, Darlene. What the hell's going on here? 19 00:00:46,485 --> 00:00:48,186 I thought I asked you to fix all this. 20 00:00:48,220 --> 00:00:51,355 Hey, D.J., Mary, Mark, Harris... they're all gonna be there. 21 00:00:51,390 --> 00:00:54,125 Sure, but they're all boring. 22 00:00:54,159 --> 00:00:55,660 All right, fine, what about Odessa? 23 00:00:55,694 --> 00:00:59,130 She's not boring. She's a thief and a pot head. 24 00:00:59,164 --> 00:01:01,466 Nope. I banned her from the house. 25 00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:03,000 Oh, please. 26 00:01:03,035 --> 00:01:04,936 Just this one day, I really cannot take 27 00:01:04,970 --> 00:01:06,584 any more of Harris moping around here. 28 00:01:06,615 --> 00:01:08,263 Sure you can. 29 00:01:08,288 --> 00:01:10,045 The whole family spent the last 40 years 30 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,676 putting up with your moping. 31 00:01:12,951 --> 00:01:14,746 You know, I always thought if we had money, 32 00:01:14,780 --> 00:01:17,077 you'd be clinically depressed. 33 00:01:17,166 --> 00:01:20,101 Oh, God, that would've been sweet! 34 00:01:21,604 --> 00:01:23,838 Come on. Let Odessa come. 35 00:01:23,906 --> 00:01:25,239 You know, between the turkey and the weed, 36 00:01:25,274 --> 00:01:26,841 she's gonna be the first one to pass out. 37 00:01:26,875 --> 00:01:30,078 Then we can draw on her face with a Sharpie. 38 00:01:30,103 --> 00:01:32,547 - I do like that. - Then we are done here. 39 00:01:32,581 --> 00:01:34,849 Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 40 00:01:34,883 --> 00:01:38,119 No, we are not done talking about Jackie and Becky. 41 00:01:38,153 --> 00:01:40,288 Did you even try to patch things up with them? 42 00:01:40,322 --> 00:01:42,590 Yes. I sent them a really nice text. 43 00:01:42,625 --> 00:01:43,958 Let's hear it. 44 00:01:43,993 --> 00:01:45,226 Oh, sure. 45 00:01:46,662 --> 00:01:47,944 Um... 46 00:01:47,976 --> 00:01:49,069 "Hey, Jackie. 47 00:01:49,098 --> 00:01:52,300 I hate what this is doing to our family. 48 00:01:52,334 --> 00:01:54,268 I love you and Becky very much, 49 00:01:54,303 --> 00:01:56,304 despite your extreme lack of awareness 50 00:01:56,338 --> 00:01:59,140 that your stupid idea could keep this family in dire poverty 51 00:01:59,174 --> 00:02:01,609 for another 100 years. 52 00:02:01,644 --> 00:02:03,277 Sometimes, dreams are nightmares. 53 00:02:03,312 --> 00:02:04,786 Please come to Thanksgiving." 54 00:02:07,316 --> 00:02:09,283 See? Doesn't matter what I say. 55 00:02:09,318 --> 00:02:11,552 Come on. You knew that wasn't gonna work. 56 00:02:11,587 --> 00:02:13,821 Fine, but I have a right to be mad, too. 57 00:02:13,856 --> 00:02:15,957 Just because Grandma Bev gave me power of attorney, 58 00:02:15,991 --> 00:02:17,892 they're turning me into some kind of villain. 59 00:02:17,926 --> 00:02:20,061 Look, all we have to do is get everybody 60 00:02:20,129 --> 00:02:22,263 in the same room together. 61 00:02:22,297 --> 00:02:23,631 We'll have a couple of beers, 62 00:02:23,666 --> 00:02:25,600 we'll watch "Planes, Trains and Automobiles." 63 00:02:25,634 --> 00:02:28,503 By the time John Candy says "Those aren't pillows," 64 00:02:28,537 --> 00:02:30,171 we'll be a whole family again. 65 00:02:32,174 --> 00:02:33,641 That is an awful lot of pressure 66 00:02:33,709 --> 00:02:36,611 to put on a 30-year-old VHS tape. 67 00:02:36,645 --> 00:02:38,846 Well, until something better comes along, 68 00:02:38,914 --> 00:02:41,529 we'll just have to be thankful for what we have. 69 00:02:46,055 --> 00:02:47,555 Like our toaster brick. 70 00:03:26,146 --> 00:03:28,107 02x07 - Slappy Hollidays 71 00:03:30,013 --> 00:03:31,265 "The Conners" is recorded 72 00:03:31,300 --> 00:03:33,301 in front of a live studio audience. 73 00:03:33,335 --> 00:03:36,270 Hey, guys! What are you doing here? 74 00:03:36,305 --> 00:03:39,240 We decided to come see the baby on our way home from school. 75 00:03:39,274 --> 00:03:41,242 Isn't this pretty far out of your way? 76 00:03:41,276 --> 00:03:43,277 Yeah, but I was gonna take a picture 77 00:03:43,312 --> 00:03:45,246 of Beverly Rose for Grandpa 78 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:47,348 'cause he was saying how sad it would be 79 00:03:47,382 --> 00:03:50,852 if he died and never had a Thanksgiving with her. 80 00:03:50,886 --> 00:03:52,920 At least this way, he can look at her picture. 81 00:03:52,955 --> 00:03:54,952 Ohh. That would be sad. 82 00:03:54,977 --> 00:03:56,124 Wouldn't it, Becky? 83 00:03:56,158 --> 00:03:59,780 It would be, Jackie. So sad! 84 00:04:00,812 --> 00:04:04,398 Unbelievable, using the kids to guilt us. 85 00:04:04,433 --> 00:04:07,001 Okay, so, what's the next thing you're supposed to say? 86 00:04:07,035 --> 00:04:09,103 I don't know what you're talking about. 87 00:04:09,138 --> 00:04:12,607 I'm supposed to say that since my mom's in Afghanistan, 88 00:04:12,641 --> 00:04:15,510 I really need my whole family right now. 89 00:04:15,544 --> 00:04:18,312 But then I started to think about my mom not being there for real... 90 00:04:18,347 --> 00:04:21,516 and I'm really sad, and I can't stop crying. 91 00:04:21,550 --> 00:04:23,417 Grandpa Dan might have suggested the guilt, 92 00:04:23,452 --> 00:04:26,020 but the crying, that's from Darlene, isn't it? 93 00:04:26,855 --> 00:04:27,822 Yeah. 94 00:04:29,825 --> 00:04:31,459 We really do want you there. 95 00:04:31,493 --> 00:04:35,029 It sucks for the kids when the adults are fighting. 96 00:04:35,063 --> 00:04:36,097 Please? 97 00:04:38,667 --> 00:04:39,734 I think we gotta. 98 00:04:39,768 --> 00:04:41,269 All right, fine, we'll come. 99 00:04:41,303 --> 00:04:44,438 But you tell Grandpa Dan that using kids isn't fair. 100 00:04:44,473 --> 00:04:45,640 And I want you to say 101 00:04:45,707 --> 00:04:47,608 that Aunt Jackie deserves The Lunch Box 102 00:04:47,676 --> 00:04:50,244 and you're praying really hard every night that she gets it. 103 00:04:51,413 --> 00:04:53,481 Grandpa Dan gave us a dollar. 104 00:04:53,515 --> 00:04:54,949 What are you giving us? 105 00:04:56,084 --> 00:04:58,419 What about that stuff of Bev's we were gonna toss? 106 00:04:58,453 --> 00:05:00,288 You mean the treasures? 107 00:05:01,957 --> 00:05:03,758 Grandma Bev left some things here 108 00:05:03,792 --> 00:05:06,527 that we're keeping safe in a trash bag, 109 00:05:06,562 --> 00:05:08,729 but let's pretend that this is a mystery grab bag 110 00:05:08,764 --> 00:05:10,731 and whatever you pull out, you get to keep. 111 00:05:13,468 --> 00:05:15,403 - Ohh! - Ohh! 112 00:05:15,437 --> 00:05:17,605 You got the carved coconut pirate head! 113 00:05:17,639 --> 00:05:20,007 She holds that when she talks about her trip to the Caribbean. 114 00:05:20,042 --> 00:05:21,142 She's gonna miss that. 115 00:05:21,210 --> 00:05:22,276 Good pull! 116 00:05:25,380 --> 00:05:28,916 I can't believe you dug up our old yearbook. 117 00:05:28,984 --> 00:05:30,451 Look. 118 00:05:30,519 --> 00:05:32,119 Oh! Here's what I wrote to you... 119 00:05:32,154 --> 00:05:35,489 "2-Good-2-B-4gotten." 120 00:05:35,524 --> 00:05:37,358 Yeah, I was really impressed by the way you used 121 00:05:37,426 --> 00:05:40,399 the number 2 and the number 4 as words. 122 00:05:40,462 --> 00:05:42,884 I mean, Prince didn't start doing that until way later. 123 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:48,259 I just wanted people to have a "bitchin' summer." 124 00:05:49,404 --> 00:05:52,340 Oh, look. Here's what Roseanne wrote. 125 00:05:52,374 --> 00:05:54,575 "This girl is a woman now. 126 00:05:54,610 --> 00:05:58,512 See you in 2525 if man is still alive." 127 00:05:58,580 --> 00:06:01,148 Wow. 128 00:06:01,183 --> 00:06:04,218 Sounds like you guys had a pretty good summer. 129 00:06:04,253 --> 00:06:06,120 The best. 130 00:06:06,188 --> 00:06:08,222 Hey, what are your plans for today? 131 00:06:08,257 --> 00:06:10,791 Well, thought I'd drag myself to my sister's 132 00:06:10,826 --> 00:06:13,861 and listen to her brag about how loaded they are 133 00:06:13,896 --> 00:06:16,063 that they can rent a house boat 134 00:06:16,098 --> 00:06:18,366 on Lake of the Ozarks every year. 135 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,934 A house what floats on the water? 136 00:06:21,902 --> 00:06:23,504 I reckon you gotta be careful 137 00:06:23,538 --> 00:06:25,406 when you go to fetch your newspaper. 138 00:06:28,143 --> 00:06:30,077 Yeah, but I'm gonna get her back this year. 139 00:06:30,112 --> 00:06:33,581 I'm giving her all my clothes that I'm "too small for" 140 00:06:33,615 --> 00:06:35,549 right before dinner. 141 00:06:35,617 --> 00:06:37,585 "Enjoy your yams, Tiffany." 142 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:41,188 Hey, why don't you save that little gift for Christmas 143 00:06:41,256 --> 00:06:42,556 and join us for dinner tonight? 144 00:06:42,624 --> 00:06:46,327 Hmm. You want me at Thanksgiving? 145 00:06:46,361 --> 00:06:47,613 People will talk. 146 00:06:47,652 --> 00:06:49,430 Ah, let 'em talk. 147 00:06:49,464 --> 00:06:51,999 Besides, I could use an ally. 148 00:06:52,034 --> 00:06:53,668 Things are a little tense between the kids 149 00:06:53,702 --> 00:06:55,102 over The Lunch Box. 150 00:06:55,170 --> 00:06:58,172 Ah. So, I'm a buffer. 151 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:00,574 No, you're a friend! 152 00:07:00,609 --> 00:07:03,344 But as a friend, if you want to be a buffer, 153 00:07:03,378 --> 00:07:05,079 I'll support you. 154 00:07:05,147 --> 00:07:07,348 You know, I have a couple of pies in the car. 155 00:07:07,382 --> 00:07:08,883 I baked them for Tiffany, 156 00:07:08,917 --> 00:07:12,954 so the crusts are made of lard and I doubled the sugar. 157 00:07:12,988 --> 00:07:15,196 I can't believe how well this is turning out. 158 00:07:23,732 --> 00:07:26,200 I like how none of your plates much. 159 00:07:26,234 --> 00:07:27,301 Thanks, Odessa. That's what happens 160 00:07:27,336 --> 00:07:29,403 when you steal them from different restaurants. 161 00:07:31,039 --> 00:07:33,507 Set another place. Louise is joining us. 162 00:07:33,542 --> 00:07:35,209 Hey. 163 00:07:35,277 --> 00:07:37,478 So, Grandpa, where should Louise sit? 164 00:07:37,512 --> 00:07:39,780 By Odessa or next to you? 165 00:07:39,815 --> 00:07:40,826 Oh, yeah, Dad. 166 00:07:40,851 --> 00:07:43,284 Where do you want Louise to sit? 167 00:07:44,252 --> 00:07:46,053 Well, she comes with pie, 168 00:07:46,088 --> 00:07:48,155 so I want her next to me. 169 00:07:48,190 --> 00:07:50,624 And do you know what? We're gonna give her the good lawn chair. 170 00:07:50,659 --> 00:07:52,626 I'll hose it down for spiders. 171 00:07:53,729 --> 00:07:54,895 Wow! 172 00:07:54,930 --> 00:07:57,965 How am I gonna go back to my ordinary life? 173 00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,800 Well, it's 4:00. Turkey should be ready. 174 00:07:59,835 --> 00:08:03,070 Let's not make this any more unpleasant than it has to be. 175 00:08:03,105 --> 00:08:04,105 Ohhh! 176 00:08:04,139 --> 00:08:06,184 Great. You're here. 177 00:08:06,575 --> 00:08:09,254 Hey, Jackie. Nice to see ya. 178 00:08:09,285 --> 00:08:11,112 "Nice to see ya." Classic. 179 00:08:13,415 --> 00:08:15,783 We hate Darlene. This really isn't about you. 180 00:08:15,817 --> 00:08:17,685 Hey, Louise. 181 00:08:17,719 --> 00:08:18,819 Remember this? 182 00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:40,041 Huah! 183 00:08:40,075 --> 00:08:41,976 No, you don't remember it! 184 00:08:44,713 --> 00:08:47,314 'Cause nobody saw me do my rifle routine 185 00:08:47,382 --> 00:08:49,417 senior year, 1974. 186 00:08:49,451 --> 00:08:52,319 I didn't get to do the performance I worked on for weeks 187 00:08:52,354 --> 00:08:55,375 because your garbage band played too long. 188 00:08:55,724 --> 00:08:57,898 It's garage band. 189 00:08:57,932 --> 00:08:59,199 See ya at Christmas. 190 00:08:59,250 --> 00:09:00,594 No, what? No, wait, wait, wait. 191 00:09:00,629 --> 00:09:02,129 Please, please, please... hold on. 192 00:09:02,164 --> 00:09:04,098 Jackie, can I talk to you for a minute? 193 00:09:08,537 --> 00:09:10,738 Here's a hard truth you've needed to hear for some time now. 194 00:09:10,772 --> 00:09:13,307 Nobody wins a talent show twirling a toy rifle. 195 00:09:13,341 --> 00:09:15,737 Never happened. Never gonna. Move on! 196 00:09:18,713 --> 00:09:21,849 Fine. It's Thanksgiving. I'll play nice. 197 00:09:23,069 --> 00:09:24,185 Sorry, Louise. 198 00:09:24,219 --> 00:09:27,488 Didn't mean to insult your "garage" band. 199 00:09:28,757 --> 00:09:30,724 I appreciate that. 200 00:09:30,759 --> 00:09:33,727 You know, after high school, that band went pro. 201 00:09:33,795 --> 00:09:35,830 I made a living off it for 30 years. 202 00:09:35,864 --> 00:09:38,166 Yeah, well, we'll never know where I would be now 203 00:09:38,221 --> 00:09:39,433 if people had seen my rifle... 204 00:09:39,468 --> 00:09:41,535 - Jackie, no! - What? What?! 205 00:09:44,973 --> 00:09:48,209 Lean right. The left is mostly duct tape. 206 00:09:48,243 --> 00:09:50,611 Well, time to start drinkin'. 207 00:09:50,645 --> 00:09:52,746 Brought some Mexican social sauce 208 00:09:52,781 --> 00:09:55,249 if anyone cares to join me. 209 00:09:55,283 --> 00:09:56,617 - I'm in. - All right. 210 00:09:56,651 --> 00:09:58,719 See, Darlene, this is Bev's, 211 00:09:58,753 --> 00:10:00,254 and I'm in charge of it, 212 00:10:00,288 --> 00:10:03,157 but I'm still gonna share it, 'cause that's how it's done! 213 00:10:03,191 --> 00:10:04,925 Oh, that's a really good point. 214 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:07,595 A bottle of tequila is the same as an inheritance. 215 00:10:07,629 --> 00:10:09,230 You can flush both down the drain. 216 00:10:10,265 --> 00:10:11,365 Just for the record, 217 00:10:11,399 --> 00:10:13,834 I have never flushed tequila down the drain. 218 00:10:14,588 --> 00:10:15,696 You know what? 219 00:10:15,721 --> 00:10:17,338 If you guys are just looking for a fight, 220 00:10:17,363 --> 00:10:18,282 then you should just leave. 221 00:10:18,307 --> 00:10:19,940 Oh, no, no, I'm not gonna be the bad guy 222 00:10:19,975 --> 00:10:21,408 that bails on Thanksgiving. 223 00:10:21,443 --> 00:10:24,645 No, this is a time when families gather together 224 00:10:24,679 --> 00:10:28,182 to judge those who are selfish and self-centered. 225 00:10:29,951 --> 00:10:32,286 I'm in. You're selfish and self-centered. 226 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,755 You're an old, bitter rat in a curly wig. 227 00:10:37,859 --> 00:10:41,729 Sure would be a good time for turkey, Dan. 228 00:10:41,763 --> 00:10:43,931 It should be just about ready. Everybody, sit! 229 00:10:45,834 --> 00:10:47,902 Do you feel the tension? 230 00:10:47,936 --> 00:10:50,971 It's like something bad's gonna happen. 231 00:10:51,006 --> 00:10:52,740 It's fantastic. 232 00:10:54,309 --> 00:10:56,343 Uh, bad news. 233 00:10:56,378 --> 00:11:01,115 325 in a 40-year-old oven equals food poisoning. 234 00:11:01,183 --> 00:11:02,750 It's gonna be a couple more hours. 235 00:11:05,052 --> 00:11:06,386 There it is. 236 00:11:11,602 --> 00:11:12,945 Can I help, Daddy? 237 00:11:13,008 --> 00:11:15,190 Uh, no, this is really delicate stuff, honey. 238 00:11:15,261 --> 00:11:16,494 I think I got it. 239 00:11:19,136 --> 00:11:20,637 She could've done that. 240 00:11:22,373 --> 00:11:23,798 We don't have to watch 241 00:11:23,823 --> 00:11:26,275 "Planes, Trains and Automobiles." 242 00:11:26,343 --> 00:11:28,697 What about football? You don't need a screwdriver for that. 243 00:11:28,722 --> 00:11:30,313 Great idea! 244 00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:34,384 You know when a team is down by six touchdowns, 245 00:11:34,451 --> 00:11:36,619 you really gotta salute the few fans 246 00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:38,388 that are left in the stands. 247 00:11:38,422 --> 00:11:40,590 I don't know if my family is still watching, 248 00:11:40,624 --> 00:11:43,395 but here's a shout-out to my Meemaw. 249 00:11:43,420 --> 00:11:46,229 96 next week... still going strong. 250 00:11:46,263 --> 00:11:48,131 Aww! To Meemaw! 251 00:11:48,198 --> 00:11:50,764 Sounds like a woman who'd give her kid a restaurant. 252 00:11:52,836 --> 00:11:54,771 See ya. Back before the turkey's ready. 253 00:11:54,805 --> 00:11:59,068 Wow! Somebody smells like weed covered up poorly by Febreze. 254 00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:01,615 Oh, that's me. 255 00:12:01,685 --> 00:12:04,480 Kids, let's go in the kitchen and check on the turkey. 256 00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:06,783 Uh, where do you think you're going? 257 00:12:06,817 --> 00:12:08,451 Odessa's place? 258 00:12:08,485 --> 00:12:10,286 No, you're not. It's Thanksgiving. 259 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:11,810 And why would you go to Odessa's house 260 00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:13,089 when her parents are out of town? 261 00:12:13,115 --> 00:12:16,036 You know, they're out of town for, like, five years. 262 00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:17,660 What? 263 00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:19,429 Oh. 264 00:12:19,463 --> 00:12:21,631 W-What are you talking about? 265 00:12:21,665 --> 00:12:23,433 Okay, I'm gonna tell you. 266 00:12:23,467 --> 00:12:24,834 Odessa lives by herself. 267 00:12:24,868 --> 00:12:26,975 It's hard to believe. She's so personable. 268 00:12:28,584 --> 00:12:31,318 I didn't say anything because I knew you'd make a big deal out of it, 269 00:12:31,381 --> 00:12:33,342 even though there's absolutely no reason to. 270 00:12:33,410 --> 00:12:34,498 No reason? 271 00:12:34,529 --> 00:12:36,412 I let you spend the night there. You lied to me. 272 00:12:36,447 --> 00:12:38,715 You didn't know her friend lives alone? Good parenting. 273 00:12:38,749 --> 00:12:40,416 Shut up! 274 00:12:40,451 --> 00:12:42,019 Why do parents need to be there? 275 00:12:42,073 --> 00:12:43,352 What do you think we're doing? 276 00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:44,500 What are you doing? 277 00:12:44,525 --> 00:12:46,756 We make s'mores, braid each other's hair, 278 00:12:46,824 --> 00:12:48,291 and dance around in our underwear 279 00:12:48,358 --> 00:12:49,392 for men on the Internet. 280 00:12:49,426 --> 00:12:50,526 Problem? 281 00:12:50,561 --> 00:12:52,361 Hey, don't be a smartass. 282 00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:54,163 Odessa's a terrible influence. 283 00:12:54,198 --> 00:12:55,631 I didn't want her here to begin with. 284 00:12:55,699 --> 00:12:57,133 Well, I'll fix that. 285 00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:58,334 Peace out, bitches. 286 00:13:02,606 --> 00:13:03,773 Is leaving an option? 287 00:13:03,807 --> 00:13:05,341 I-I didn't... 288 00:13:10,380 --> 00:13:13,449 Apparently, leaving is only an option for strangers. 289 00:13:13,517 --> 00:13:15,485 If you're family, you're trapped here. 290 00:13:15,519 --> 00:13:17,353 Oh, good. You finally get it. 291 00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:20,456 I trust you, Harris. 292 00:13:20,524 --> 00:13:23,192 Then again, I'm not a psycho control freak. 293 00:13:23,260 --> 00:13:25,218 Hey, you know what? You got your own kid to screw up now. 294 00:13:25,257 --> 00:13:26,329 Stay away from mine. 295 00:13:26,363 --> 00:13:27,497 Hey, take it down a notch. 296 00:13:27,531 --> 00:13:29,999 Hey, don't yell at Becky 'cause you're in over your head 297 00:13:30,033 --> 00:13:31,367 in all parts of your life. 298 00:13:31,401 --> 00:13:32,902 Oh! 299 00:13:32,936 --> 00:13:34,704 Hilarious coming from you. 300 00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:37,406 No, you know what's hilarious, is the person 301 00:13:37,441 --> 00:13:40,176 who was sleeping around and neglecting her kids 302 00:13:40,244 --> 00:13:43,212 is the one telling everybody else how to live their life. 303 00:13:43,247 --> 00:13:46,015 Yeah, have another glass of water, Jackie! 304 00:13:46,049 --> 00:13:47,682 Dilute some of that tequila! 305 00:13:47,737 --> 00:13:50,553 This isn't tequila talking! This is the truth! 306 00:13:50,587 --> 00:13:54,167 You think you're the almighty decision-maker around here?! 307 00:13:54,192 --> 00:13:55,167 Huh?! 308 00:13:55,192 --> 00:13:57,128 You think you can replace Roseanne 309 00:13:57,153 --> 00:13:58,760 as the mom of this family?! 310 00:13:58,785 --> 00:14:00,730 - What a joke! - Jackie, enough! 311 00:14:00,798 --> 00:14:02,398 You want to talk about my mom? 312 00:14:02,432 --> 00:14:04,233 Let's talk about her! 313 00:14:04,301 --> 00:14:07,537 'Cause she spent her entire life trying to fix you, 314 00:14:07,571 --> 00:14:10,273 and every time she picked you up, you fell down. 315 00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:11,349 You know why? 316 00:14:11,374 --> 00:14:12,449 'Cause you're a loser 317 00:14:12,474 --> 00:14:14,710 and you were the bane of her existence! 318 00:14:15,846 --> 00:14:17,708 Don't you ever touch my mother! 319 00:14:22,521 --> 00:14:24,295 Why did they send us upstairs? 320 00:14:24,350 --> 00:14:26,318 We heard everything from the kitchen. 321 00:14:26,352 --> 00:14:28,146 I want to know what's going on. 322 00:14:28,188 --> 00:14:31,157 Get away from the door. You're not supposed to hear that stuff. 323 00:14:34,202 --> 00:14:35,629 It's really quiet. 324 00:14:35,663 --> 00:14:38,732 I hope my mom didn't kill Aunt Jackie. 325 00:14:38,766 --> 00:14:40,389 If she goes to prison, 326 00:14:40,443 --> 00:14:42,287 we'll be the family with the mom in prison. 327 00:14:43,639 --> 00:14:46,474 Which is weird, because most people have a dad in prison. 328 00:14:47,777 --> 00:14:51,613 All I know is, I think Aunt Jackie's going crazy. 329 00:14:51,647 --> 00:14:52,981 They're all crazy. 330 00:14:53,015 --> 00:14:54,049 They're all old. 331 00:14:54,083 --> 00:14:55,717 Their lives didn't turn out the way they thought, 332 00:14:55,751 --> 00:14:57,552 and now they're all hitting each other. 333 00:15:08,764 --> 00:15:09,798 Wow. 334 00:15:09,832 --> 00:15:12,500 Beer and tequila going from the house to the garage. 335 00:15:12,535 --> 00:15:15,437 It's the first time alcohol's ever flowed in this direction. 336 00:15:15,471 --> 00:15:18,406 Well, I think you made a wise decision. 337 00:15:18,474 --> 00:15:21,543 Call me crazy, but I don't think the alcohol was helping. 338 00:15:21,577 --> 00:15:24,285 Neither was the buffer. You suck at this. 339 00:15:24,348 --> 00:15:26,147 Hey, you don't need a buffer. 340 00:15:26,182 --> 00:15:28,716 You needed a riot cop and some tear gas. 341 00:15:30,286 --> 00:15:32,120 Would you be upset if I went home? 342 00:15:32,154 --> 00:15:33,755 Would you be upset if I went with you? 343 00:15:33,823 --> 00:15:34,923 Run. 344 00:15:36,625 --> 00:15:37,880 Go. 345 00:15:44,166 --> 00:15:47,402 Here's what you gotta remember when these things happen. 346 00:15:47,436 --> 00:15:49,270 Roll the beer back and forth 347 00:15:49,305 --> 00:15:51,272 so you don't get freezer burn. 348 00:15:54,243 --> 00:15:56,611 Look, I know I said some ugly things, 349 00:15:56,645 --> 00:15:58,813 but Jackie said some pretty ugly things, too. 350 00:15:58,848 --> 00:16:00,748 I mean, I can't believe she slapped me. 351 00:16:00,783 --> 00:16:02,283 Really? 352 00:16:02,318 --> 00:16:04,953 I can't believe she waited this long to slap you. 353 00:16:06,122 --> 00:16:07,789 - What? - Think about it. 354 00:16:07,823 --> 00:16:10,692 As far as she's concerned, you stole her inheritance. 355 00:16:10,726 --> 00:16:12,594 Well, that's her problem. 356 00:16:12,661 --> 00:16:13,828 No, it's our problem. 357 00:16:13,863 --> 00:16:15,321 The family's. 358 00:16:15,965 --> 00:16:18,199 And we're gonna work this out right now. 359 00:16:21,904 --> 00:16:23,304 Mark! Mary! 360 00:16:23,339 --> 00:16:24,973 Come on down from the top of the stairs. 361 00:16:25,007 --> 00:16:27,709 I know you're up there listening. 362 00:16:27,743 --> 00:16:29,811 I didn't want to spy, but Mark made me. 363 00:16:29,845 --> 00:16:31,713 So hit him. 364 00:16:31,747 --> 00:16:34,249 Nobody's hitting anybody. 365 00:16:34,283 --> 00:16:35,850 All right. 366 00:16:35,885 --> 00:16:37,752 In this corner, 367 00:16:37,820 --> 00:16:39,787 hailing from Lanford, Illinois, 368 00:16:39,822 --> 00:16:41,689 the Sultan of Slap, 369 00:16:41,757 --> 00:16:44,058 the Antagonizing Aunt, 370 00:16:44,093 --> 00:16:46,027 the Queen of Crazy, 371 00:16:46,061 --> 00:16:47,495 Jackieeeeee... 372 00:16:47,563 --> 00:16:49,531 "Open Hand" Harris! 373 00:16:49,598 --> 00:16:50,865 You're not helping, Dad. 374 00:16:50,900 --> 00:16:52,167 And in this corner, 375 00:16:52,201 --> 00:16:55,603 weighing in at 95 pounds soaking wet... 376 00:16:55,671 --> 00:16:57,205 the Vicious Vegan, 377 00:16:57,239 --> 00:16:59,340 the Nasty Niece, 378 00:16:59,408 --> 00:17:01,709 the Raja of Retort, 379 00:17:01,744 --> 00:17:05,146 Darleeeene... 380 00:17:05,214 --> 00:17:07,682 "The Darkness" Conner! 381 00:17:07,716 --> 00:17:09,651 All right, shake hands, no low blows, 382 00:17:09,718 --> 00:17:11,119 and come out apologizing. 383 00:17:11,187 --> 00:17:12,754 I'm so sorry, sweetheart. 384 00:17:12,788 --> 00:17:14,122 - Are you okay? - Yeah. 385 00:17:14,156 --> 00:17:16,758 It's just that when you were talking, I was hearing my mother. 386 00:17:16,792 --> 00:17:18,826 I was slapping her, not you. 387 00:17:19,929 --> 00:17:22,497 Yeah, it really felt like you put your hip into it. 388 00:17:25,401 --> 00:17:27,735 You know, I shouldn't have said those terrible things. 389 00:17:27,770 --> 00:17:28,774 I shouldn't have, either. 390 00:17:28,799 --> 00:17:30,672 And I shouldn't have enjoyed it so much. 391 00:17:32,908 --> 00:17:34,175 All right. 392 00:17:34,210 --> 00:17:35,877 You two want a restaurant. 393 00:17:35,945 --> 00:17:38,846 You want everybody to get some money when Bev goes. 394 00:17:38,881 --> 00:17:41,082 There's gotta be some kind of compromise here. 395 00:17:41,150 --> 00:17:44,919 I don't even care about some stupid inheritance. 396 00:17:44,987 --> 00:17:46,988 I just want everyone to get along. 397 00:17:47,022 --> 00:17:49,791 I don't care about the stupid inheritance, either. 398 00:17:49,825 --> 00:17:52,193 Look, I'll be honest... I could use that money. 399 00:17:52,228 --> 00:17:53,695 But it's not worth all this. 400 00:17:53,729 --> 00:17:55,230 All right. 401 00:17:55,264 --> 00:17:57,899 I'm willing to bet on Jackie and Becky 402 00:17:57,933 --> 00:17:59,734 because I believe in your ability 403 00:17:59,768 --> 00:18:01,502 and your desperation. 404 00:18:03,105 --> 00:18:04,405 I am desperate. 405 00:18:05,553 --> 00:18:06,708 Thanks, Dad. 406 00:18:08,143 --> 00:18:11,346 Well, I mean, if that's how you all feel, 407 00:18:11,380 --> 00:18:13,381 I don't even know who I'm fighting for... 408 00:18:13,415 --> 00:18:15,550 except me and Harris, and I actually look forward 409 00:18:15,618 --> 00:18:17,552 to telling her she just lost a lot of money. 410 00:18:18,954 --> 00:18:21,589 Majority rules. You got yourself a restaurant! 411 00:18:21,624 --> 00:18:24,492 I'm gonna make this work just to prove you wrong! 412 00:18:24,526 --> 00:18:25,693 Man, I hope you do. 413 00:18:25,728 --> 00:18:28,763 And I just want to say I really appreciate you rolling over 414 00:18:28,797 --> 00:18:30,865 because you were forced to by others. 415 00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:32,934 You are welcome. 416 00:18:32,968 --> 00:18:34,602 - Can I hug you? - If you must. 417 00:18:34,637 --> 00:18:36,938 Okay, I'm gonna come in slow on the left... 418 00:18:36,972 --> 00:18:38,447 ...and then tuck in 419 00:18:38,471 --> 00:18:40,125 on the right nice and easy. 420 00:18:40,150 --> 00:18:42,548 - Let me know how the pressure is. - Oh, God. 421 00:18:42,603 --> 00:18:44,245 This is worse than being hit. 422 00:18:46,382 --> 00:18:48,850 Promise me we'll never fight like this when we get old. 423 00:18:48,884 --> 00:18:50,752 Oh, I'm not getting old. 424 00:18:53,122 --> 00:18:54,789 Moving out. Bye. 425 00:18:54,823 --> 00:18:56,758 What? 426 00:18:56,825 --> 00:18:57,925 What are you talking about? 427 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,529 You guys are drunk and fighting and slapping each other. 428 00:19:01,563 --> 00:19:03,865 And you can't trust me to behave myself? 429 00:19:03,899 --> 00:19:05,800 Odessa just invited me to live at her house. 430 00:19:05,834 --> 00:19:06,768 I'm out. 431 00:19:06,802 --> 00:19:08,836 You can't leave this house till you're 18. 432 00:19:08,871 --> 00:19:09,937 Really? 433 00:19:09,972 --> 00:19:12,273 Because the only one fast enough to catch me is Becky, 434 00:19:12,308 --> 00:19:13,508 and she's on my side. 435 00:19:13,542 --> 00:19:14,776 Holler! 436 00:19:17,579 --> 00:19:19,013 I'm going to Odessa's. 437 00:19:19,048 --> 00:19:20,381 Okay, whoa, whoa. 438 00:19:20,416 --> 00:19:22,283 E-Everybody slow down, okay? 439 00:19:22,351 --> 00:19:23,651 It's been a bad night. 440 00:19:23,676 --> 00:19:24,715 Nobody's eaten. 441 00:19:24,740 --> 00:19:27,021 Apparently, there's not gonna be any turkey. 442 00:19:27,056 --> 00:19:28,489 30 minutes away. 443 00:19:29,958 --> 00:19:31,726 45 at the most. 444 00:19:32,728 --> 00:19:35,830 So, it's fine if you go to Odessa's tonight, 445 00:19:35,864 --> 00:19:37,365 but I want you back here in the morning, 446 00:19:37,399 --> 00:19:38,900 and we are gonna talk. 447 00:19:38,934 --> 00:19:40,001 Whatever. 448 00:19:40,803 --> 00:19:41,869 So that's it? 449 00:19:41,904 --> 00:19:43,838 You're just gonna let her walk outta here like that? 450 00:19:43,872 --> 00:19:45,206 She has a friend with an apartment. 451 00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:46,674 She might not come back. 452 00:19:46,709 --> 00:19:48,443 She just needs to make a point. 453 00:19:48,477 --> 00:19:49,811 I mean, we all come back. 454 00:19:49,878 --> 00:19:51,312 Right, Becky? 455 00:19:52,381 --> 00:19:54,682 Hey, I live with Jackie now! 456 00:19:54,717 --> 00:19:57,441 But I am... moving back in tomorrow. 457 00:19:57,519 --> 00:20:00,888 Let's go... eat the skin off that turkey! 458 00:20:00,923 --> 00:20:02,757 It should be almost done by now. 459 00:20:06,128 --> 00:20:08,863 Are you sure you're doing the right thing with Harris? 460 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:12,604 No. 461 00:20:14,069 --> 00:20:15,603 You know, for the first time in a long time, 462 00:20:15,637 --> 00:20:17,472 I wish you could drink with me. 463 00:20:19,208 --> 00:20:22,076 You've ruined one life tonight. Isn't that enough? 464 00:20:28,001 --> 00:20:30,538 Wow. I can't believe you came back. 465 00:20:30,625 --> 00:20:32,860 I didn't come back for you. 466 00:20:32,894 --> 00:20:34,294 These are my pies. 467 00:20:36,898 --> 00:20:38,117 How'd it go at your sister's? 468 00:20:38,142 --> 00:20:40,868 Well, my brothers got into a fistfight, 469 00:20:40,902 --> 00:20:42,336 took it out on the street, 470 00:20:42,370 --> 00:20:43,804 the cops came, 471 00:20:43,872 --> 00:20:45,606 and then they tased my aunt 472 00:20:45,647 --> 00:20:47,414 while she was trying to break it up. 473 00:20:49,310 --> 00:20:52,179 Wow! That's way better than us! 474 00:20:52,218 --> 00:20:55,170 You said there wasn't any pie left. 475 00:20:55,248 --> 00:20:56,982 There isn't. 476 00:20:58,461 --> 00:21:02,131 You're clearly having a dream. 477 00:21:02,221 --> 00:21:03,989 No, I'm not! I'm awake. 478 00:21:04,023 --> 00:21:05,991 My mom got slapped, and my sister left. 479 00:21:06,059 --> 00:21:07,993 I deserve pie. 480 00:21:08,027 --> 00:21:11,596 Oh, Mark, Marky, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark. 481 00:21:11,631 --> 00:21:12,731 Here's the thing about life... 482 00:21:12,765 --> 00:21:16,001 sometimes, bad things happen and you still don't get pie. 483 00:21:16,736 --> 00:21:18,937 Oh, come here! I'm kiddin'! 484 00:21:19,859 --> 00:21:21,062 Sit down. 485 00:21:21,148 --> 00:21:22,641 Watch me eat pie. 486 00:21:26,102 --> 00:21:31,102 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com