1
00:00:12,990 --> 00:00:14,257
So, uh...
2
00:00:14,259 --> 00:00:18,027
are you just gonna let Lil Bev
keep crying like that?
3
00:00:18,029 --> 00:00:19,029
Yes, I am.
4
00:00:20,799 --> 00:00:23,533
She's learning to cry it out.
5
00:00:23,535 --> 00:00:25,869
So, if I'm stuck under a log,
screaming for help,
6
00:00:25,871 --> 00:00:27,670
you're just gonna let me cry it out?
7
00:00:27,672 --> 00:00:30,473
No, first, I'm gonna laugh.
8
00:00:30,475 --> 00:00:31,941
Then I'm gonna let you cry it out
9
00:00:31,943 --> 00:00:34,444
so you learn how to sleep
through the night under a log.
10
00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:38,882
Look, Becky told us
to let her self-soothe.
11
00:00:39,985 --> 00:00:41,417
Oh. Wait.
12
00:00:43,087 --> 00:00:45,288
See? It's working.
13
00:00:45,290 --> 00:00:46,556
And...
14
00:00:46,558 --> 00:00:47,757
...she's asleep.
15
00:00:52,797 --> 00:00:54,097
Hey.
16
00:00:56,368 --> 00:00:57,834
It's been an hour.
17
00:00:57,836 --> 00:00:59,569
She's got to go back to sleep.
18
00:00:59,571 --> 00:01:00,637
She's not a toy.
19
00:01:00,639 --> 00:01:02,305
No, no, she's not.
20
00:01:02,307 --> 00:01:04,173
She's a powerful, tiny woman
21
00:01:04,175 --> 00:01:06,276
whose whole foot fits in my mouth.
22
00:01:06,278 --> 00:01:07,510
Rowr.
23
00:01:07,512 --> 00:01:08,845
You know, when Becky gets home,
you're gonna have
24
00:01:08,847 --> 00:01:11,481
one foot in your mouth
and one foot upside your ass.
25
00:01:11,483 --> 00:01:13,883
Put the baby back in her crib.
26
00:01:13,885 --> 00:01:15,084
Oh, come.
27
00:01:15,086 --> 00:01:16,986
Otherwise, I'm gonna go
sleep on the couch.
28
00:01:16,988 --> 00:01:18,388
Mmm.
29
00:01:18,390 --> 00:01:21,591
Oh, but her head smells
so much better than your head.
30
00:01:21,593 --> 00:01:23,993
And your beard smells
like French onion soup.
31
00:01:23,995 --> 00:01:25,728
You really want to get into this?
32
00:01:27,933 --> 00:01:28,965
Oh.
33
00:01:28,967 --> 00:01:31,868
Oh, you are the best baby
in the world.
34
00:01:31,870 --> 00:01:33,770
Yes, you are!
35
00:01:33,772 --> 00:01:35,171
Aww.
36
00:01:35,173 --> 00:01:36,906
I want one just like you.
37
00:01:37,898 --> 00:01:44,113
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
38
00:02:15,337 --> 00:02:18,675
"The Conners" is filmed in
front of a live studio audience.
39
00:02:18,676 --> 00:02:20,609
Thanks for everything, Dad.
40
00:02:20,611 --> 00:02:23,212
Without you, we never would have
been able to open tomorrow.
41
00:02:24,681 --> 00:02:27,583
Well, thanks for paying me
with a hug.
42
00:02:27,585 --> 00:02:30,819
And, I assume,
a lifetime of free stew.
43
00:02:30,821 --> 00:02:33,455
How about a lifetime of free hugs
44
00:02:33,457 --> 00:02:34,757
and stew for a week?
45
00:02:34,759 --> 00:02:35,924
Sold.
46
00:02:36,993 --> 00:02:38,494
And thank you, too, Dwight.
47
00:02:38,496 --> 00:02:40,195
You've been a huge help.
48
00:02:40,197 --> 00:02:41,730
No need to fuss over me.
49
00:02:41,732 --> 00:02:44,266
I'm uncomfortable
being in the spotlight.
50
00:02:44,268 --> 00:02:47,536
I like to be the handmaiden,
not the queen.
51
00:02:47,538 --> 00:02:49,538
You're not sculpting the "David."
52
00:02:49,540 --> 00:02:52,508
You're chopping carrots, Barry.
Chop faster!
53
00:02:52,510 --> 00:02:54,843
Chop faster! Chop...
54
00:02:54,845 --> 00:02:56,211
Uh-oh. Oh!
55
00:02:56,213 --> 00:02:57,880
Oh, good Lord!
56
00:02:57,882 --> 00:02:58,881
Oh!
57
00:02:58,883 --> 00:03:00,582
Put that finger in milk!
58
00:03:00,584 --> 00:03:01,650
Ugh!
59
00:03:01,652 --> 00:03:02,918
We have an emergency, Dan.
60
00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:04,887
Can you drive our cook
to the hospital?
61
00:03:04,889 --> 00:03:06,522
How bad is he bleeding?
62
00:03:06,524 --> 00:03:08,323
Is he sitting in the cab
or the flatbed?
63
00:03:08,325 --> 00:03:09,525
Oh, this is flatbed.
64
00:03:09,527 --> 00:03:11,860
Oh, my God.
65
00:03:11,862 --> 00:03:13,896
Oh, my God, we open in 10 hours.
66
00:03:13,898 --> 00:03:16,131
- Ohh!
- Oh, my God! Oh!
67
00:03:16,133 --> 00:03:18,867
Becky, Becky, you got to be the chef.
68
00:03:18,869 --> 00:03:21,503
I don't know to cook
for a whole restaurant!
69
00:03:21,505 --> 00:03:23,005
Unless you want me to breast-feed
70
00:03:23,007 --> 00:03:25,174
the entire lunch crowd.
71
00:03:26,177 --> 00:03:28,410
That actually set my mind to wander.
72
00:03:29,379 --> 00:03:32,581
But maybe I can help out.
I used to do a little cooking.
73
00:03:32,583 --> 00:03:34,249
This is not a time to fool around.
74
00:03:34,251 --> 00:03:36,719
Do you have real restaurant experience?
75
00:03:36,721 --> 00:03:39,054
'Cause this isn't like grabbing a
squirrel by the side of the road
76
00:03:39,056 --> 00:03:42,091
and cooking it on your carburetor!
77
00:03:42,093 --> 00:03:43,992
The carburetor
doesn't get hot enough.
78
00:03:43,994 --> 00:03:46,295
It's the manifold.
79
00:03:46,297 --> 00:03:49,198
And I'll have you know, I used
to be a chef at Applebee's.
80
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,033
No way! Really?
81
00:03:51,035 --> 00:03:52,701
How come we didn't
know that about you?
82
00:03:52,703 --> 00:03:54,803
Oh, I think, with the hair and
the beard, people just assume...
83
00:03:54,805 --> 00:03:56,371
Nobody cares, Custer.
84
00:03:56,373 --> 00:03:57,773
Get in the kitchen,
85
00:03:57,775 --> 00:04:00,309
start prepping the stew
so it's ready in the morning.
86
00:04:00,311 --> 00:04:01,744
Is this gonna be
the kind of restaurant
87
00:04:01,746 --> 00:04:03,045
where people say "please"?
88
00:04:03,047 --> 00:04:04,513
Oh, for God's sakes.
89
00:04:04,515 --> 00:04:05,781
Please!
90
00:04:05,783 --> 00:04:07,516
Is this gonna be
the kind of restaurant
91
00:04:07,518 --> 00:04:10,285
where people take
- the Lord's name in vain?
92
00:04:10,287 --> 00:04:11,653
You might want to be the handmaiden,
93
00:04:11,655 --> 00:04:13,522
but I'm getting all kinds of queen.
94
00:04:18,429 --> 00:04:22,898
Behold the most dangerous baby
in the world.
95
00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:27,836
So dangerous that she must be
kept away from the populace,
96
00:04:27,838 --> 00:04:29,938
in a nylon cage.
97
00:04:32,375 --> 00:04:34,143
Oh, so, you're one of those
obituary guys, huh?
98
00:04:34,145 --> 00:04:35,277
Yeah.
99
00:04:35,279 --> 00:04:37,012
I always read them
hoping that somebody died
100
00:04:37,014 --> 00:04:38,147
that I owe money to.
101
00:04:39,550 --> 00:04:41,950
Just once, I'd like to see
a credit-card company in here.
102
00:04:44,688 --> 00:04:46,355
Hmm.
103
00:04:46,357 --> 00:04:48,857
Somebody in here I actually know.
104
00:04:48,859 --> 00:04:50,626
How? How much did you owe them?
105
00:04:50,628 --> 00:04:52,294
Are we having pizza crust and eggs,
106
00:04:52,296 --> 00:04:54,196
or are we going out for breakfast?
107
00:04:55,465 --> 00:04:56,765
My father.
108
00:04:56,767 --> 00:04:57,900
What?
109
00:04:59,302 --> 00:05:01,537
I'm sorry, Dan.
110
00:05:01,539 --> 00:05:02,771
Are you okay?
111
00:05:02,773 --> 00:05:05,674
Oh, I'm fine.
I haven't seen him in 20 years.
112
00:05:05,676 --> 00:05:09,611
And based on this,
I see that trend continuing.
113
00:05:11,714 --> 00:05:13,982
I'm sorry about your grandpa.
How are you doing?
114
00:05:13,984 --> 00:05:15,284
Oh, I'm okay.
115
00:05:15,286 --> 00:05:18,020
I mean, he was kind of a
deadbeat when my dad was young,
116
00:05:18,022 --> 00:05:20,088
and then as soon as he had
a second family,
117
00:05:20,090 --> 00:05:21,623
we never really saw him at all.
118
00:05:21,625 --> 00:05:23,559
I mean, I honestly didn't
even remember
119
00:05:23,561 --> 00:05:24,893
that he was still alive.
120
00:05:24,895 --> 00:05:26,595
Who was alive?
121
00:05:26,597 --> 00:05:28,096
Grandpa Ed.
122
00:05:28,098 --> 00:05:29,164
He's alive?
123
00:05:29,166 --> 00:05:30,266
No.
124
00:05:31,534 --> 00:05:32,801
Not anymore.
125
00:05:33,970 --> 00:05:36,371
So, what the hell happened
last night?
126
00:05:36,373 --> 00:05:39,041
I get home from work,
and you're on the couch,
127
00:05:39,043 --> 00:05:40,609
and I found Beverly Rose
128
00:05:40,611 --> 00:05:43,045
sleeping on Ben's chest upstairs.
129
00:05:43,047 --> 00:05:45,714
Well, uh, all the crying
made Ben's milk come in,
130
00:05:45,716 --> 00:05:47,416
so we didn't want to waste it.
131
00:05:50,220 --> 00:05:51,987
Ohh.
132
00:05:51,989 --> 00:05:53,055
Ohh.
133
00:05:53,057 --> 00:05:54,523
I'm sorry.
134
00:05:54,525 --> 00:05:56,158
I just wanted the baby
to hear a heart
135
00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:57,693
that's not made of stone.
136
00:05:59,395 --> 00:06:01,063
Eh, we're working on our words today.
137
00:06:01,065 --> 00:06:02,431
Is it okay if we go downstairs
138
00:06:02,433 --> 00:06:04,366
and learn the name of
everything in your room?
139
00:06:04,368 --> 00:06:06,835
Knock yourself out.
140
00:06:06,837 --> 00:06:10,472
But stay away from
the top drawer in my nightstand.
141
00:06:10,474 --> 00:06:11,940
It's only for Mommy.
142
00:06:15,812 --> 00:06:18,547
Your boyfriend wants a baby.
143
00:06:18,549 --> 00:06:22,284
Oh, you are out of
your pickled alcoholic mind.
144
00:06:23,586 --> 00:06:25,153
You know, he's never around babies,
145
00:06:25,155 --> 00:06:27,422
so he just thinks of it as a toy.
146
00:06:27,424 --> 00:06:31,627
As soon as he breaks a couple
parts off, he'll lose interest.
147
00:06:31,629 --> 00:06:32,895
I don't know.
148
00:06:32,897 --> 00:06:36,231
Let's check in on them, shall we?
149
00:06:36,233 --> 00:06:38,567
Uncle Ben worries that you're lonely
150
00:06:38,569 --> 00:06:42,237
and that maybe you could use
a little cousin to play with.
151
00:06:43,907 --> 00:06:46,575
It's a special burden
being right all the time.
152
00:06:48,177 --> 00:06:49,678
T-This is crazy.
153
00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:52,447
He's never said anything
about wanting a baby before.
154
00:06:52,449 --> 00:06:53,882
You need to talk to him.
155
00:06:53,884 --> 00:06:55,684
Yeah, I will, but this is stupid.
156
00:06:55,686 --> 00:06:59,221
I mean, even if I wanted one,
he knows I'm like 100.
157
00:07:00,590 --> 00:07:03,091
Hey, you might still have
a couple pterodactyl eggs
158
00:07:03,093 --> 00:07:06,061
rolling around in that
prehistoric womb of yours.
159
00:07:06,063 --> 00:07:07,462
Alright, I guess I deserve that
160
00:07:07,464 --> 00:07:10,098
for all the jokes I made
about your wrinkled uterus.
161
00:07:12,068 --> 00:07:14,970
You said my cervix was where
they filmed "Golden Girls."
162
00:07:16,606 --> 00:07:18,073
Oh, yeah.
163
00:07:18,075 --> 00:07:19,075
Ssss!
164
00:07:24,428 --> 00:07:26,796
Well? How's my stew?
165
00:07:26,798 --> 00:07:29,566
Jiminy Cricket on a cracker,
this is good!
166
00:07:31,068 --> 00:07:32,836
Well, you feel like you got this?
167
00:07:32,838 --> 00:07:34,337
- You bet.
- 'Cause it's opening day.
168
00:07:34,339 --> 00:07:36,387
And just remember,
you're the only thing
169
00:07:36,388 --> 00:07:38,421
standing between me
and sleeping on the street.
170
00:07:38,423 --> 00:07:40,456
And it's not just me...
it's Becky and her baby,
171
00:07:40,458 --> 00:07:41,858
and I'm pretty sure we're on the hook
172
00:07:41,860 --> 00:07:44,994
for a prosthetic finger for Barry.
173
00:07:44,996 --> 00:07:47,931
Uh, yeah, I put every dime
I've got into this place.
174
00:07:47,933 --> 00:07:48,998
It's all on you, buddy.
175
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:50,733
Go get 'em!
176
00:07:56,775 --> 00:07:58,074
Okay.
177
00:07:59,543 --> 00:08:00,843
Oop.
178
00:08:04,348 --> 00:08:05,982
Hey, Dad, where you going?
179
00:08:05,984 --> 00:08:07,984
Somebody called me to bid on a job.
180
00:08:07,986 --> 00:08:10,219
Can't it wait?
I mean, your dad just died.
181
00:08:10,221 --> 00:08:12,722
It takes time to process
something like that.
182
00:08:12,724 --> 00:08:13,890
You're right.
183
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:17,460
There, processed.
184
00:08:20,699 --> 00:08:22,065
Men are all over the map.
185
00:08:22,067 --> 00:08:23,633
My dad buries all his emotions,
186
00:08:23,635 --> 00:08:26,169
and you giggle like
a pothead watching SpongeBob
187
00:08:26,171 --> 00:08:27,570
when you're with the baby.
188
00:08:27,572 --> 00:08:29,238
Oh.
189
00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:31,107
Becky actually thought...
190
00:08:31,109 --> 00:08:33,009
you're gonna love this...
191
00:08:33,011 --> 00:08:34,911
that you want to have a baby with me.
192
00:08:38,515 --> 00:08:40,750
Come on, laugh along with me.
193
00:08:42,386 --> 00:08:44,387
Wouldn't you love to have a baby?
194
00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:49,192
God, no.
They're soul-sucking monsters.
195
00:08:50,794 --> 00:08:53,696
Okay, I can see you're on the fence.
196
00:08:53,698 --> 00:08:55,365
Ben, I-I-I'm broke.
197
00:08:55,367 --> 00:08:56,666
I've already got two kids,
198
00:08:56,668 --> 00:08:58,301
and we're trying to start a business.
199
00:08:58,303 --> 00:09:01,070
This is literally
the worst possible time.
200
00:09:01,072 --> 00:09:03,573
Oh, well, uh, you know,
10 years from now,
201
00:09:03,575 --> 00:09:07,043
when we regret not doing it,
will be a worse time.
202
00:09:07,045 --> 00:09:09,312
I'm willing to live
with your regrets.
203
00:09:10,881 --> 00:09:12,248
Come on!
204
00:09:12,250 --> 00:09:14,517
We could have a great baby.
205
00:09:14,519 --> 00:09:17,587
A baby that's half me and half you
206
00:09:17,589 --> 00:09:20,289
would be smart and funny and...
207
00:09:20,291 --> 00:09:22,458
whatever you bring to the table.
208
00:09:25,429 --> 00:09:28,264
Why are you dropping
this bomb on me now?
209
00:09:28,266 --> 00:09:31,467
I... guess I always knew
I wanted a baby.
210
00:09:31,469 --> 00:09:32,835
It's just that
now we're back together,
211
00:09:32,837 --> 00:09:35,271
and things are going so great
between us,
212
00:09:35,273 --> 00:09:37,273
having a baby would make it
that much better.
213
00:09:38,309 --> 00:09:40,109
That just proves you know nothing
214
00:09:40,111 --> 00:09:42,445
about how hard it is to raise a kid.
215
00:09:42,447 --> 00:09:44,547
I mean, you've never been dog-tired
216
00:09:44,549 --> 00:09:47,383
because the baby won't sleep
or worried out of your mind
217
00:09:47,385 --> 00:09:49,585
because you've never seen
a fever that high.
218
00:09:49,587 --> 00:09:51,487
And then there's
all the emotional stuff,
219
00:09:51,489 --> 00:09:53,056
when they're crying their eyes out
220
00:09:53,058 --> 00:09:54,524
because they were bullied
221
00:09:54,526 --> 00:09:57,593
or they weren't invited
to the cool party.
222
00:09:57,595 --> 00:09:59,695
Well, since it's half my kid,
223
00:09:59,697 --> 00:10:01,731
it's getting invited
to the cool parties.
224
00:10:04,301 --> 00:10:06,836
Ben... I love you.
225
00:10:06,838 --> 00:10:08,538
I-I just can't do it again.
226
00:10:09,506 --> 00:10:12,642
Okay, w-well,
can't we just talk about it more?
227
00:10:14,578 --> 00:10:15,611
I'm sorry.
228
00:10:15,613 --> 00:10:18,114
I can't go back to the beginning.
229
00:10:23,354 --> 00:10:25,054
Come on in!
230
00:10:25,088 --> 00:10:27,423
But if you're selling
something, we, uh...
231
00:10:27,425 --> 00:10:29,625
well, we probably already have it.
232
00:10:29,627 --> 00:10:31,494
Wow. Hey. Dan Conner.
233
00:10:31,496 --> 00:10:33,496
You called me about a drywall job?
234
00:10:34,932 --> 00:10:36,699
Yeah.
235
00:10:36,701 --> 00:10:38,000
I'm Ed.
236
00:10:38,969 --> 00:10:40,436
Did your cleaning lady
take the week off,
237
00:10:40,438 --> 00:10:43,806
or is she somewhere
underneath all this?
238
00:10:43,808 --> 00:10:45,641
Funny guy.
239
00:10:45,643 --> 00:10:48,611
It was my dad's house,
and he, uh, just died.
240
00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:53,015
Yeah, he was all...
screwed up towards the end.
241
00:10:53,017 --> 00:10:54,951
He was living in this.
242
00:10:54,953 --> 00:10:56,686
I'm sorry.
243
00:10:58,522 --> 00:11:01,557
When you get old,
you get a little eccentric.
244
00:11:01,559 --> 00:11:04,060
I got chickens in my backyard.
245
00:11:04,062 --> 00:11:07,330
I never thought I'd be that guy.
246
00:11:07,332 --> 00:11:09,999
No, I know
what kind of guy you are...
247
00:11:10,001 --> 00:11:11,367
bro.
248
00:11:12,536 --> 00:11:14,470
Is there a problem?
249
00:11:14,472 --> 00:11:16,239
You seem a little pissed off.
250
00:11:16,241 --> 00:11:19,308
I have the right to be... Dan.
251
00:11:19,310 --> 00:11:21,944
I'm Ed's son... Ed Jr.
252
00:11:23,113 --> 00:11:25,748
Got it now... big bro?
253
00:11:27,919 --> 00:11:29,652
Little Ed.
254
00:11:29,654 --> 00:11:32,889
It's been like 20 years.
255
00:11:32,891 --> 00:11:34,957
Why didn't you just
tell me that on the phone?
256
00:11:34,959 --> 00:11:36,626
Because I knew you wouldn't come.
257
00:11:36,628 --> 00:11:38,895
So you decided to ambush me instead?
258
00:11:38,897 --> 00:11:41,130
You didn't even know
our dad was sick.
259
00:11:41,132 --> 00:11:43,132
While you were off
living your carefree life,
260
00:11:43,134 --> 00:11:45,868
my sister and I dropped
everything to take care of him
261
00:11:45,870 --> 00:11:48,004
until the day he died with nothing.
262
00:11:48,006 --> 00:11:50,006
Looks like he died with everything.
263
00:11:52,477 --> 00:11:54,744
What do you want from me?
264
00:11:54,746 --> 00:11:57,780
I don't have enough money to fix
this place up so I can sell it.
265
00:11:57,782 --> 00:11:59,382
You're gonna help me fix it.
266
00:11:59,384 --> 00:12:00,383
You owe me.
267
00:12:00,385 --> 00:12:03,252
I don't owe you a damn thing.
268
00:12:03,254 --> 00:12:04,520
I don't owe him a damn thing.
269
00:12:04,522 --> 00:12:05,988
He was a lowlife son of a bitch
270
00:12:05,990 --> 00:12:08,658
who treated me and my mother
like garbage his whole life.
271
00:12:08,660 --> 00:12:11,661
That's exactly
what my dad said you'd say.
272
00:12:11,663 --> 00:12:13,796
Told me you were a liar
who only cared about himself.
273
00:12:13,798 --> 00:12:16,332
Well, he must've been looking
in the mirror when he said that.
274
00:12:16,334 --> 00:12:17,700
Oh, really?
275
00:12:17,702 --> 00:12:20,002
If you're such a great guy, how
come you never even tried once
276
00:12:20,004 --> 00:12:21,804
to get in touch with him or me?!
277
00:12:21,806 --> 00:12:24,207
I did! I did!
278
00:12:24,209 --> 00:12:25,708
Boy.
279
00:12:25,710 --> 00:12:28,578
I got to hand it to the old man.
280
00:12:28,580 --> 00:12:32,448
Nobody could sell a load of crap
better than that guy!
281
00:12:32,450 --> 00:12:34,450
You know something?
282
00:12:34,452 --> 00:12:37,420
I didn't feel anything
when I found out he died.
283
00:12:37,422 --> 00:12:39,522
Now I feel pretty good about it.
284
00:12:39,524 --> 00:12:41,123
You better shut your mouth,
or I'm gonna shut it for you.
285
00:12:41,125 --> 00:12:42,892
Are you threatening me?
286
00:12:42,894 --> 00:12:44,193
'Cause I can knock you stupid
287
00:12:44,195 --> 00:12:45,962
with about eight things
within arm's reach.
288
00:12:45,964 --> 00:12:47,063
Let's throw, old times.
289
00:12:47,065 --> 00:12:48,331
Bring it.
290
00:12:50,534 --> 00:12:52,368
You hit the king,
you better kill him.
291
00:12:56,139 --> 00:12:57,473
Not worth it.
292
00:12:59,776 --> 00:13:01,344
I didn't think so.
293
00:13:05,482 --> 00:13:06,716
You know what?
294
00:13:07,751 --> 00:13:10,653
I'm taking this microwave
'cause you wasted my time.
295
00:13:11,622 --> 00:13:13,022
And all the TV Guides inside.
296
00:13:18,330 --> 00:13:20,577
Dwight! Open the damn door!
297
00:13:20,578 --> 00:13:23,212
Go away, Jackie. I can't talk to you.
298
00:13:23,214 --> 00:13:24,447
He's still in there?
299
00:13:24,449 --> 00:13:25,681
If we don't get him cooking soon,
300
00:13:25,683 --> 00:13:26,849
people are gonna start leaving
301
00:13:26,851 --> 00:13:28,117
and we're not gonna get them back.
302
00:13:28,119 --> 00:13:31,053
Thanks for the tip,
master of the obvious!
303
00:13:31,055 --> 00:13:32,588
Let me try.
304
00:13:32,590 --> 00:13:35,324
Uh, Dwight, Jackie's gone.
305
00:13:35,326 --> 00:13:37,727
What's going on?
306
00:13:37,729 --> 00:13:39,262
I got the jitters.
307
00:13:39,264 --> 00:13:41,130
What's that?
308
00:13:41,132 --> 00:13:43,065
I'm sweating, my heart's pounding,
309
00:13:43,067 --> 00:13:44,700
and I feel like I'm fixin' to die.
310
00:13:44,702 --> 00:13:45,935
You know, the jitters.
311
00:13:45,937 --> 00:13:47,603
It's a panic attack.
312
00:13:47,605 --> 00:13:49,672
Okay, you go back out front.
I got this.
313
00:13:49,674 --> 00:13:50,873
Don't make me go out there!
314
00:13:50,875 --> 00:13:52,408
It's getting ugly.
315
00:13:52,410 --> 00:13:55,011
We've armed them
with forks and knives!
316
00:13:55,013 --> 00:13:56,512
Dwight?
317
00:13:56,514 --> 00:13:59,882
Dwight, you might not know this,
but I am formerly
318
00:13:59,884 --> 00:14:02,385
Lanford's number-one
professional life coach,
319
00:14:02,387 --> 00:14:06,122
and my clinical training
is in the jitters.
320
00:14:07,658 --> 00:14:09,225
Okay.
321
00:14:09,227 --> 00:14:11,761
Okay, first,
we're gonna calm you down.
322
00:14:11,763 --> 00:14:13,396
I want you to take a short breath,
323
00:14:13,398 --> 00:14:15,932
followed by a very long exhale.
324
00:14:15,934 --> 00:14:17,567
Good. Good!
325
00:14:17,569 --> 00:14:18,701
You keep doing that.
326
00:14:18,703 --> 00:14:21,304
Now, Dwight, what is going on?
327
00:14:21,306 --> 00:14:23,272
I don't think I can do this job.
328
00:14:23,274 --> 00:14:26,742
Why? Everything I've tasted
so far has been fantastic!
329
00:14:26,744 --> 00:14:29,045
It's not the cooking.
It's the baseball.
330
00:14:29,047 --> 00:14:31,414
Of course it is.
331
00:14:31,416 --> 00:14:33,249
Been anxious my whole life.
332
00:14:33,251 --> 00:14:34,784
Baseball was an escape...
333
00:14:34,786 --> 00:14:36,986
'til I got into the minor leagues.
334
00:14:36,988 --> 00:14:38,721
I was a pitcher
for the Midland Rockhounds,
335
00:14:38,723 --> 00:14:39,989
and I was so good
336
00:14:39,991 --> 00:14:41,891
that they scheduled me
to pitch on opening day.
337
00:14:41,893 --> 00:14:43,125
Uh-huh. Okay.
338
00:14:43,127 --> 00:14:46,095
Restaurant folding up outside,
but go on. Continue.
339
00:14:46,097 --> 00:14:48,397
Before the game, the manager says,
340
00:14:48,399 --> 00:14:50,533
"Everyone's depending on you."
341
00:14:50,535 --> 00:14:52,301
My head started spinning.
342
00:14:52,303 --> 00:14:54,604
And then when you said,
"It's all on you"...
343
00:14:54,606 --> 00:14:56,339
- Oh.
- ...started getting the same feeling.
344
00:14:56,341 --> 00:14:58,007
Oh, Dwight. I'm getting it now.
345
00:14:58,009 --> 00:14:59,842
- No, no, no. No, no! Exhale!
- No, no. I'm getting it now.
346
00:14:59,844 --> 00:15:01,377
Dwight. Dwight. Exhale.
347
00:15:01,379 --> 00:15:03,145
Dwight! Dwight!
348
00:15:03,147 --> 00:15:06,249
You're picturing yourself on a beach.
349
00:15:06,251 --> 00:15:09,385
It's quiet. You're alone.
350
00:15:09,387 --> 00:15:11,954
And no one needs anything from you.
351
00:15:11,956 --> 00:15:14,523
People are leaving!
352
00:15:14,525 --> 00:15:17,960
We're dying out here, Jackie!
353
00:15:17,962 --> 00:15:20,262
We're on a private beach, Becky!
354
00:15:27,372 --> 00:15:28,771
What do you want?
355
00:15:28,773 --> 00:15:30,072
I got to thinking
356
00:15:30,074 --> 00:15:32,074
about the quality family time
we spent together today,
357
00:15:32,076 --> 00:15:34,377
and I remembered
I had something at the house
358
00:15:34,379 --> 00:15:36,779
I always wanted to give to you.
359
00:15:36,781 --> 00:15:39,849
10 letters I wrote
to you and your sister,
360
00:15:39,851 --> 00:15:42,685
all sent to the last house
you lived in...
361
00:15:42,687 --> 00:15:43,853
all returned
362
00:15:43,855 --> 00:15:46,922
with "Not at this address"
written on them.
363
00:15:46,924 --> 00:15:49,458
Recognize the handwriting?
364
00:15:49,460 --> 00:15:51,127
Yeah.
365
00:15:51,129 --> 00:15:53,129
I guess it looks like my dad's.
So what?
366
00:15:53,131 --> 00:15:54,864
He wanted to keep us apart.
367
00:15:56,333 --> 00:15:59,335
I abandoned him
for what he did to me.
368
00:15:59,337 --> 00:16:01,504
But I never wanted to abandon you.
369
00:16:03,273 --> 00:16:05,741
I don't know what to do
with any of this.
370
00:16:05,743 --> 00:16:08,044
You want me to hate him
like you do, and I can't.
371
00:16:08,046 --> 00:16:10,913
He was a...
372
00:16:10,915 --> 00:16:12,748
He was a good dad to me.
373
00:16:14,618 --> 00:16:16,652
Hey, you're lucky.
374
00:16:16,654 --> 00:16:19,255
You can miss your dad.
375
00:16:19,257 --> 00:16:20,723
Doesn't feel lucky.
376
00:16:23,327 --> 00:16:24,427
Thanks for these.
377
00:16:24,429 --> 00:16:25,661
Yeah.
378
00:16:30,867 --> 00:16:32,601
Hey.
379
00:16:32,603 --> 00:16:35,738
There's about four years' worth
of "Happy birthdays" in there.
380
00:16:35,740 --> 00:16:40,076
I got to admit, I took out all
the scratchers and tried 'em.
381
00:16:40,078 --> 00:16:41,877
I won millions.
382
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,648
But I blew it all on private jets,
383
00:16:45,650 --> 00:16:48,818
dinners with Madonna.
384
00:16:48,820 --> 00:16:50,586
Chick eats like a horse.
385
00:16:52,789 --> 00:16:54,390
Madonna joke.
386
00:16:54,392 --> 00:16:56,058
Fresh.
387
00:16:57,327 --> 00:16:59,128
Hey, want to go grab a few beers,
388
00:16:59,130 --> 00:17:00,563
maybe get something to eat?
389
00:17:00,565 --> 00:17:01,630
You paying?
390
00:17:03,201 --> 00:17:05,000
I'm not trying
to act like a big shot,
391
00:17:05,002 --> 00:17:06,535
but you're looking at a guy
392
00:17:06,537 --> 00:17:08,571
who's getting free stew for a week.
393
00:17:11,908 --> 00:17:15,010
Dwight's back on the grill.
Sorry for the delay, everybody.
394
00:17:15,012 --> 00:17:16,212
Dessert's on us.
395
00:17:16,214 --> 00:17:17,279
How'd you get him out?
396
00:17:17,281 --> 00:17:19,982
Well, a panic attack
is a downward spiral
397
00:17:19,984 --> 00:17:21,016
of fear and panic.
398
00:17:21,018 --> 00:17:22,385
The more fear, the more panic.
399
00:17:22,387 --> 00:17:25,054
So one way to break the cycle
is you get them
400
00:17:25,056 --> 00:17:28,391
to mindfully focus on something
that holds their attention.
401
00:17:28,393 --> 00:17:29,658
So what did you do?
402
00:17:29,660 --> 00:17:31,827
I told him he was on a private beach
403
00:17:31,829 --> 00:17:34,029
that had a topless life coach.
404
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:38,167
You showed him your boobs?
405
00:17:38,169 --> 00:17:39,769
Uh... I can't say.
406
00:17:39,771 --> 00:17:41,537
Life coach-client privilege.
407
00:17:41,539 --> 00:17:43,172
But, uh...
408
00:17:48,545 --> 00:17:50,145
...he thought they were amazing.
409
00:17:52,817 --> 00:17:55,418
I want a hamster,
and Doctor Woofy agrees.
410
00:17:55,420 --> 00:17:57,620
Mary should have a hamster.
411
00:17:57,622 --> 00:17:59,255
I need your car! Quick!
412
00:17:59,257 --> 00:18:00,689
- Why?
- I got to get to work.
413
00:18:00,691 --> 00:18:02,658
Who cares? I have a unit test.
414
00:18:02,660 --> 00:18:04,927
Everyone else in the world
has a hamster but me!
415
00:18:04,929 --> 00:18:06,028
Just give me the keys.
416
00:18:06,030 --> 00:18:07,430
Alright, when was
the Battle of Antietam?
417
00:18:07,432 --> 00:18:09,432
1862. Ask me something hard.
418
00:18:09,434 --> 00:18:11,434
I'm gonna lose my job
if I don't go now!
419
00:18:12,537 --> 00:18:14,837
Food's coming, Beverly Rose.
Food's coming.
420
00:18:14,839 --> 00:18:16,505
Boy, you look like you're having fun.
421
00:18:16,507 --> 00:18:18,140
Yeah.
422
00:18:18,142 --> 00:18:19,742
Hey, I like a challenge.
423
00:18:19,744 --> 00:18:21,710
Uh, you know, you could've texted me.
424
00:18:21,712 --> 00:18:23,612
Could've. I didn't need to.
425
00:18:23,614 --> 00:18:25,981
I don't have time for this.
I got to get to work.
426
00:18:25,983 --> 00:18:27,283
Keys.
427
00:18:27,285 --> 00:18:29,218
I know you're not going
to work with those shoes.
428
00:18:29,220 --> 00:18:30,719
You're going to a party.
429
00:18:30,721 --> 00:18:32,354
Uh-huh.
430
00:18:32,356 --> 00:18:33,489
Here.
431
00:18:33,491 --> 00:18:37,159
Feed Lil Bev,
and I'll pay for your Uber.
432
00:18:37,161 --> 00:18:38,394
Good catch for an amateur.
433
00:18:38,396 --> 00:18:40,062
Mm.
434
00:18:40,064 --> 00:18:41,897
Alright, you two
are gonna go upstairs.
435
00:18:41,899 --> 00:18:43,999
You're gonna study.
I'll quiz you later.
436
00:18:44,001 --> 00:18:45,801
You're gonna write down
all 10 reasons
437
00:18:45,803 --> 00:18:47,603
why a puppet dog
would like a hamster,
438
00:18:47,605 --> 00:18:49,505
and then you're gonna
send it to your dad.
439
00:18:51,274 --> 00:18:52,641
Oh, man.
440
00:18:52,643 --> 00:18:55,544
You're right.
This is, uh... This is hard.
441
00:18:57,348 --> 00:19:00,349
But I, uh, think
I handled myself pretty well.
442
00:19:00,351 --> 00:19:02,084
You did... for 10 minutes.
443
00:19:03,754 --> 00:19:06,622
Try doing it by yourself
for nine years.
444
00:19:06,624 --> 00:19:09,124
But you wouldn't be doing
it by yourself this time.
445
00:19:09,126 --> 00:19:11,460
We'd be doing it together.
446
00:19:11,462 --> 00:19:14,063
Yeah, that's what David said.
447
00:19:14,065 --> 00:19:15,931
In case you haven't noticed,
448
00:19:15,933 --> 00:19:18,634
I'm made of tougher stuff than David.
449
00:19:18,636 --> 00:19:19,602
Alright?
450
00:19:19,604 --> 00:19:21,337
I don't run when things get hard.
451
00:19:21,339 --> 00:19:24,473
I walk slowly, like I'm leaving
the room to get something.
452
00:19:27,477 --> 00:19:29,912
And in case you need more convincing,
453
00:19:29,914 --> 00:19:32,314
you asked David to
watch your kids for a second.
454
00:19:32,316 --> 00:19:35,518
He went to South America
for nine years.
455
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,853
You cheated on me.
456
00:19:37,855 --> 00:19:39,455
You broke my heart.
457
00:19:42,058 --> 00:19:43,592
I'm still here.
458
00:19:47,397 --> 00:19:48,731
Mm.
459
00:19:51,602 --> 00:19:52,701
What's that?
460
00:19:52,703 --> 00:19:54,069
A contract.
461
00:19:55,639 --> 00:19:59,008
Says that I will think
about having a baby.
462
00:19:59,010 --> 00:20:00,042
Oh, my God!
463
00:20:00,044 --> 00:20:02,778
Well, this... this is fantastic!
464
00:20:03,915 --> 00:20:06,315
Now, I'm just gonna think about it.
465
00:20:06,317 --> 00:20:11,554
And only if you agree
that if we do have a baby...
466
00:20:11,556 --> 00:20:14,557
or babies, God forbid...
467
00:20:14,559 --> 00:20:18,394
and you bail,
then you get sole custody.
468
00:20:21,798 --> 00:20:23,399
Well, I will sign that.
469
00:20:26,369 --> 00:20:27,503
Uh, wait a second.
470
00:20:27,505 --> 00:20:29,405
You're giving me
Harris and Mark, too?
471
00:20:33,209 --> 00:20:34,610
That's right... punitive damages.
472
00:20:39,269 --> 00:20:43,143
Alright, our first day
is officially over.
473
00:20:43,144 --> 00:20:44,444
Becky, how'd we do?
474
00:20:44,446 --> 00:20:46,246
Not counting credit cards...
475
00:20:47,382 --> 00:20:49,282
...$1,100!
476
00:20:52,087 --> 00:20:53,653
Hey, everybody.
477
00:20:53,655 --> 00:20:54,787
This is Ed.
478
00:20:54,789 --> 00:20:55,922
Hey, everybody.
479
00:20:55,924 --> 00:20:57,123
Hey.
480
00:20:57,125 --> 00:20:58,124
Hi, Ed.
481
00:20:58,126 --> 00:21:00,059
Uh, are you working with my grandpa?
482
00:21:00,061 --> 00:21:02,795
Yeah, we're...
doing a little project.
483
00:21:02,797 --> 00:21:03,796
That's cool.
484
00:21:03,798 --> 00:21:05,798
So I'll probably see you around.
485
00:21:07,234 --> 00:21:09,035
Hey, Harris.
486
00:21:09,037 --> 00:21:10,003
Yes?
487
00:21:10,005 --> 00:21:11,704
You just hit on your great-uncle.
488
00:21:13,741 --> 00:21:15,842
Oh, my... Oh, my G...
489
00:21:15,844 --> 00:21:18,945
I-I-I'm so sorry.
490
00:21:18,947 --> 00:21:20,914
What's a matter, Harris?
491
00:21:20,916 --> 00:21:23,516
Yer kinfolk ain't good enough fer ya?
492
00:21:25,620 --> 00:21:26,880
You touch her, I'll kill you.
493
00:21:26,919 --> 00:21:29,722
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