1 00:00:00,211 --> 00:00:02,859 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:03,219 --> 00:00:06,101 The winter at Valley Forge was harsh, 3 00:00:06,148 --> 00:00:09,093 and more than 2,000 soldiers deserted the army. 4 00:00:09,180 --> 00:00:12,049 However, the strong leadership of George Washington 5 00:00:12,083 --> 00:00:13,283 held the army together. 6 00:00:13,318 --> 00:00:14,685 All lies. 7 00:00:14,719 --> 00:00:17,933 Washington grew pot, and while the soldiers were fighting, 8 00:00:17,953 --> 00:00:21,756 him and Betsy Ross were off behind the flag getting baked. 9 00:00:21,790 --> 00:00:23,991 Shh! They can hear you. We're in class. 10 00:00:24,059 --> 00:00:27,100 Mark, stop bothering me and focus on your teacher. 11 00:00:27,186 --> 00:00:29,182 - Education's important, lad. - One of the most significant events 12 00:00:29,206 --> 00:00:33,901 at Valley Forge was the arrival of Frederick Wilhelm von Steuben. 13 00:00:33,969 --> 00:00:36,470 Is that blonde boy Henry? The one you think is cute? 14 00:00:37,906 --> 00:00:39,006 Thanks for that. 15 00:00:39,074 --> 00:00:42,243 I wasn't muted, so I guess the next move is Henry's. 16 00:00:42,277 --> 00:00:44,912 If Harris comes down, don't let her come in the kitchen. 17 00:00:44,946 --> 00:00:47,357 Ben and I are working on a surprise for her birthday. 18 00:00:47,432 --> 00:00:48,699 Oh, I have a surprise, too. 19 00:00:48,733 --> 00:00:50,234 I didn't know it was her birthday. 20 00:00:50,268 --> 00:00:52,703 Well, I tried to give you a heads up last night. 21 00:00:52,737 --> 00:00:54,371 Where were you, on another date? 22 00:00:54,406 --> 00:00:56,073 Yeah, and I should have known 23 00:00:56,107 --> 00:00:57,908 if he was wearing a mask in his profile picture, 24 00:00:57,943 --> 00:00:59,043 he was hiding something... 25 00:00:59,110 --> 00:01:01,078 a giant nose ring. 26 00:01:01,112 --> 00:01:03,314 He said that's where you attach the leash. 27 00:01:04,783 --> 00:01:07,751 Seems to me maybe you could hang onto one that way. 28 00:01:07,819 --> 00:01:10,387 I know my education doesn't mean anything to any of you, 29 00:01:10,455 --> 00:01:12,156 but I'd like to be the first person 30 00:01:12,190 --> 00:01:14,224 to make it out of this house by 40. 31 00:01:14,259 --> 00:01:16,527 It's not about getting out. 32 00:01:16,561 --> 00:01:18,395 It's about staying out. 33 00:01:20,665 --> 00:01:22,132 Oh, you're right. 34 00:01:22,182 --> 00:01:25,584 It's fun decorating a birthday cake Harris is gonna hate. 35 00:01:25,637 --> 00:01:30,107 "To our rainbow unicorn magic princess." 36 00:01:30,141 --> 00:01:34,178 That is pure evil. 37 00:01:34,212 --> 00:01:37,581 I love you so much right now. 38 00:01:39,017 --> 00:01:40,851 Why are my parents calling me? 39 00:01:40,919 --> 00:01:43,053 They're supposed to be having fun in Florida. 40 00:01:47,225 --> 00:01:48,626 Hi, Mom. 41 00:01:48,660 --> 00:01:50,461 Hi, Ben. It's your mom. 42 00:01:50,495 --> 00:01:53,197 Yes. I know. 43 00:01:53,231 --> 00:01:55,532 That's why I said, "Hi, Mom." 44 00:01:55,567 --> 00:01:59,036 Uh... I'm only seeing your ear. 45 00:01:59,070 --> 00:02:01,939 Hold the phone out so I can see your face. 46 00:02:03,208 --> 00:02:04,842 There you go. 47 00:02:04,876 --> 00:02:08,012 Ben, your father's dead. 48 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:10,214 What? 49 00:02:10,248 --> 00:02:13,250 He was playing golf on the 14th hole 50 00:02:13,285 --> 00:02:15,152 and he got into the golf cart, 51 00:02:15,220 --> 00:02:17,187 and his friends said he just collapsed. 52 00:02:17,222 --> 00:02:19,590 And he was under par. 53 00:02:22,294 --> 00:02:23,560 All right, um... 54 00:02:23,595 --> 00:02:26,130 Okay, I'll... I'll get there as soon as I can. 55 00:02:26,164 --> 00:02:27,698 I'll book a flight when we hang up. 56 00:02:27,766 --> 00:02:30,467 Oh, why, sweetie? He's already dead. 57 00:02:30,502 --> 00:02:32,202 Listen, I've got to get off the phone. 58 00:02:32,237 --> 00:02:35,005 I have a lot of arrangements to make. 59 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:37,641 O-Okay. Bye, Mom. 60 00:02:37,676 --> 00:02:40,210 Just call me if you need me. 61 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:44,880 Ben, I am so sorry. 62 00:02:44,905 --> 00:02:46,530 Are you okay? 63 00:02:46,593 --> 00:02:49,979 I don't know. Um... 64 00:02:50,021 --> 00:02:54,892 I mean, we weren't close, but he was still my dad, you know? 65 00:02:54,926 --> 00:02:58,262 Oh, of course. I'm sure it's still hard. 66 00:02:58,296 --> 00:03:03,434 I thought we'd have more time to work through some of our stuff. 67 00:03:03,468 --> 00:03:04,739 Yeah, I know what you mean. 68 00:03:04,764 --> 00:03:08,072 It's like you're always waiting for that right moment, 69 00:03:08,113 --> 00:03:10,948 and then suddenly, there can never be one. 70 00:03:12,233 --> 00:03:16,580 He was always so mad at me for something. 71 00:03:17,419 --> 00:03:20,150 I just felt like I was a disappointment to him. 72 00:03:20,185 --> 00:03:23,320 Oh. Yeah, but I-I'm sure at some point, 73 00:03:23,355 --> 00:03:25,656 he stopped expecting to be proud of you. 74 00:03:28,131 --> 00:03:31,161 Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not good at comforting. 75 00:03:32,488 --> 00:03:37,888 3x07 A Cold Mom, a Brother Daddy and a Prison Baby 76 00:04:11,336 --> 00:04:13,404 Thanks again for babysitting, Emilio. 77 00:04:13,438 --> 00:04:15,572 I'm not babysitting. I'm her dad. 78 00:04:15,607 --> 00:04:18,275 But if you want to give me 20 bucks, I'm not too proud to take it. 79 00:04:18,309 --> 00:04:20,944 And I'm broke enough to say no. 80 00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:23,680 That's okay. 81 00:04:23,715 --> 00:04:26,350 It's worth it just to look at how cute she is when she sleeps. 82 00:04:26,384 --> 00:04:28,852 Don't fall for it. It's a trick. 83 00:04:28,887 --> 00:04:31,588 That's how they get you to love them. 84 00:04:31,656 --> 00:04:33,524 How's Ben doing? 85 00:04:33,558 --> 00:04:36,360 Uh, as good as can be expected. 86 00:04:36,394 --> 00:04:37,961 His mom is coming to visit tomorrow. 87 00:04:37,996 --> 00:04:39,763 I don't know where we're gonna put her. 88 00:04:39,798 --> 00:04:42,332 Time to gussy up the chicken coop. 89 00:04:42,367 --> 00:04:45,436 So, you're home early. 90 00:04:45,470 --> 00:04:46,537 How was your date? 91 00:04:46,604 --> 00:04:47,871 It was a nightmare. 92 00:04:47,906 --> 00:04:50,040 Another bad one, huh? 93 00:04:50,075 --> 00:04:51,708 This guy was a nervous wreck. 94 00:04:51,743 --> 00:04:53,343 He sat across from me at the table 95 00:04:53,378 --> 00:04:55,279 and kept pulling out a temperature gun 96 00:04:55,313 --> 00:04:56,313 and shooting it at me. 97 00:04:56,347 --> 00:04:57,781 "Beep. 98 00:04:57,816 --> 00:04:59,383 97.1. 99 00:04:59,408 --> 00:05:01,286 Okay. Okay. Let's order." 100 00:05:01,311 --> 00:05:04,046 Five minutes later. "Beep. 101 00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:05,950 Oh, boy. 98.6. 102 00:05:05,975 --> 00:05:08,625 I gotta go. Can you cover the drinks?" 103 00:05:08,693 --> 00:05:11,695 Well, my last date was bad, too. 104 00:05:11,729 --> 00:05:14,798 I asked her if she wanted to go to a dinner or a drive-in movie. 105 00:05:14,833 --> 00:05:16,366 She said she wanted to go from store to store 106 00:05:16,401 --> 00:05:18,035 looking for disinfecting wipes. 107 00:05:19,724 --> 00:05:21,238 Oh. 108 00:05:22,273 --> 00:05:23,848 Well... 109 00:05:23,908 --> 00:05:25,109 I better get going. 110 00:05:25,143 --> 00:05:27,311 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 111 00:05:27,379 --> 00:05:28,312 No, stay. 112 00:05:28,346 --> 00:05:30,381 Finish watching the basketball game. 113 00:05:30,448 --> 00:05:32,249 - Really? - Yeah. 114 00:05:32,317 --> 00:05:33,984 Scoot over. Make some room. 115 00:05:34,019 --> 00:05:36,487 I'll go get some popcorn, and we'll watch the game together. 116 00:05:36,521 --> 00:05:38,756 Great. 117 00:05:40,458 --> 00:05:44,094 You know, people said our green card marriage wouldn't work, 118 00:05:44,129 --> 00:05:46,764 but I like talking about bad dates with my husband. 119 00:05:48,633 --> 00:05:52,736 Hey, Magic Unicorn Princess! 120 00:05:52,804 --> 00:05:55,339 Happy birthday! 121 00:05:55,373 --> 00:05:56,907 How's the cake? 122 00:05:56,941 --> 00:05:59,810 I wouldn't be eating it if there was anything else in the house. 123 00:05:59,878 --> 00:06:02,446 They ran out of frosting, so one layer is just saltines. 124 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:05,082 It does add a nice crunch where you don't expect it. 125 00:06:06,184 --> 00:06:08,185 I'm gonna grab some microwave popcorn. 126 00:06:08,253 --> 00:06:11,088 - We don't have any. - Let's see what Betty Crocker says. 127 00:06:13,224 --> 00:06:14,224 Oh, my God. 128 00:06:14,259 --> 00:06:16,093 We have secret microwave popcorn? 129 00:06:16,161 --> 00:06:18,328 You don't. I do. 130 00:06:18,396 --> 00:06:19,663 This is for me and Emilio. 131 00:06:19,697 --> 00:06:21,999 Hmm. He's staying? 132 00:06:22,067 --> 00:06:23,867 You usually boot him out as soon as you get home. 133 00:06:23,902 --> 00:06:25,602 Not tonight. 134 00:06:25,637 --> 00:06:27,304 We're hanging out and watching the game. 135 00:06:27,372 --> 00:06:30,207 Huh. Watching a game. 136 00:06:30,241 --> 00:06:31,708 Okay. 137 00:06:31,752 --> 00:06:34,187 Take your bra off in here. Saves time. 138 00:06:34,212 --> 00:06:35,813 Unless you like to watch them struggle. 139 00:06:35,847 --> 00:06:37,214 Sometimes that's good for a laugh. 140 00:06:37,248 --> 00:06:38,282 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 141 00:06:38,316 --> 00:06:40,667 - That's not what's going on. - Really? 142 00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:42,793 He's dating, I'm dating. 143 00:06:42,827 --> 00:06:44,261 He's totally moved on. 144 00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:46,638 Here's a tip, kid. 145 00:06:46,664 --> 00:06:48,490 There's a bag of beef jerky 146 00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:50,325 taped to the back of the toilet tank. 147 00:06:50,359 --> 00:06:53,395 That's disgusting. 148 00:06:53,429 --> 00:06:54,930 Upstairs or down? 149 00:06:54,964 --> 00:06:58,633 Upstairs is sweet, downstairs is savory. 150 00:07:01,537 --> 00:07:04,005 It's okay. It's okay. 151 00:07:04,073 --> 00:07:07,175 Mommy will be right back. 152 00:07:07,210 --> 00:07:08,310 She's making popcorn for us. 153 00:07:10,213 --> 00:07:12,581 I think Mommy's finally into Daddy. 154 00:07:12,615 --> 00:07:15,450 I know. 155 00:07:15,484 --> 00:07:18,253 When I heard it, I almost pooped myself, too. 156 00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:25,218 I should stop. 157 00:07:25,243 --> 00:07:29,264 Whatever this stain is, it's holding the fabric together. 158 00:07:29,332 --> 00:07:31,266 Darlene, relax. 159 00:07:31,334 --> 00:07:33,065 You don't have to impress my mom. 160 00:07:33,119 --> 00:07:36,024 Oh, and I told her that we're only living here 161 00:07:36,049 --> 00:07:38,040 until the escrow closes on our giant new house 162 00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:39,583 that we got from all the money we made 163 00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:40,960 from our successful magazine. 164 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,851 Wow. We're having a way better life than I thought we were. 165 00:07:43,918 --> 00:07:45,185 I just... 166 00:07:45,220 --> 00:07:46,987 I don't want to have to hear her criticism. 167 00:07:47,021 --> 00:07:49,323 Oh, yes, don't touch her. 168 00:07:49,357 --> 00:07:50,208 She's an ice queen. 169 00:07:50,233 --> 00:07:51,679 You know how in "A Christmas Story," 170 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,139 the kid gets his tongue stuck to the freezing pole? 171 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:55,496 It'll be like that. 172 00:07:55,530 --> 00:07:58,031 So don't put my tongue on her, got it. 173 00:07:58,066 --> 00:07:59,199 Mm-hmm. 174 00:08:07,049 --> 00:08:08,474 Mom. 175 00:08:08,517 --> 00:08:10,807 I'm really glad you're here. 176 00:08:11,980 --> 00:08:16,917 This is the house where you're staying while the escrow closes. 177 00:08:16,951 --> 00:08:18,998 You know, they bust into houses like this 178 00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:21,334 on that program "Cops." 179 00:08:21,790 --> 00:08:23,023 Mom, it's so good to see... 180 00:08:23,057 --> 00:08:24,358 Oh, it's okay. Don't. 181 00:08:24,392 --> 00:08:26,160 Uh, I've been vaccinated, 182 00:08:26,194 --> 00:08:29,842 but the plane was filthy even though I was in first class, 183 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,178 which is way better than coach. 184 00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:34,221 Your father would never spend the money, 185 00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:35,907 but on the way to the airport, 186 00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:38,734 I saw a billboard that said, "Just do it." 187 00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:42,605 And I decided that was your father's way of telling me, 188 00:08:42,639 --> 00:08:45,441 "I'm cheap and I'm dead. Fly first class." 189 00:08:46,643 --> 00:08:48,878 Oh, well, we have those billboards all over town. 190 00:08:48,912 --> 00:08:50,446 The last time I saw "Just Do It," 191 00:08:50,514 --> 00:08:52,281 I pulled over, and I got a burrito. 192 00:08:52,315 --> 00:08:55,150 But it was a big one, so it's kind of the same thing. 193 00:08:56,353 --> 00:08:57,812 Who's she? 194 00:08:58,488 --> 00:09:01,423 You know who she is. I've sent you pictures. 195 00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:02,958 This is Darlene. 196 00:09:02,993 --> 00:09:06,662 Oh. You're just a little itty-bitty thing. 197 00:09:06,730 --> 00:09:07,464 Mom. 198 00:09:07,465 --> 00:09:09,506 Uh, no, it's okay. I'm used to it. 199 00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:12,735 Grown-ups try to hold my hand at crosswalks all the time. 200 00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:17,139 Listen, I am so sorry about your husband. 201 00:09:17,173 --> 00:09:18,841 You don't have to feel bad for me. 202 00:09:18,875 --> 00:09:19,808 Or for my husband. 203 00:09:19,843 --> 00:09:21,944 He had a good, full life. 204 00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:23,746 Of course, he wanted grandkids, 205 00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:26,849 but that didn't happen for a variety of reasons. 206 00:09:26,883 --> 00:09:28,651 I'm not pointing fingers. 207 00:09:30,687 --> 00:09:31,754 Dropping this off. 208 00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:33,856 I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude. 209 00:09:33,890 --> 00:09:35,057 Oh, no, Jackie. It's fine. 210 00:09:35,091 --> 00:09:37,860 Mom, this is Darlene's aunt, Jackie. 211 00:09:37,894 --> 00:09:40,029 Well, she's normal-sized. 212 00:09:40,096 --> 00:09:42,031 Maybe you didn't get enough sunlight. 213 00:09:42,065 --> 00:09:43,165 Uh. 214 00:09:43,199 --> 00:09:45,034 I'm so sorry for your loss, 215 00:09:45,068 --> 00:09:47,336 or if you're relieved, I'm happy for your freedom. 216 00:09:47,370 --> 00:09:48,470 I've seen both. 217 00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:51,307 I'm somewhere in the middle. 218 00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:52,466 Yeah. 219 00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:54,777 Well, if you wouldn't mind dropping that off for Harris? 220 00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:56,045 The restaurant's got me hopping. 221 00:09:56,079 --> 00:09:58,514 It's cold. People want stew. 222 00:09:58,548 --> 00:09:59,682 Stew? 223 00:09:59,716 --> 00:10:01,183 Yeah. I own The Lunch Box. 224 00:10:01,251 --> 00:10:03,218 Lanford's only stew restaurant. 225 00:10:03,253 --> 00:10:04,320 Ah. 226 00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:06,622 Well, I guess if people want hobo food, 227 00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:08,657 they have to have a place to get it. 228 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,027 You remind me of somebody. 229 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:16,365 If you told me I'll never amount to anything, 230 00:10:16,433 --> 00:10:19,602 it would be downright eerie. 231 00:10:19,636 --> 00:10:20,662 Oh, listen, 232 00:10:20,687 --> 00:10:22,691 you must be exhausted 233 00:10:22,793 --> 00:10:24,911 - from all that alienating. - Okay. 234 00:10:24,975 --> 00:10:28,210 Why don't you sit and I'll get you a cup of tea, huh? 235 00:10:28,244 --> 00:10:30,012 Darlene, can you join me? 236 00:10:30,054 --> 00:10:31,888 Darlene... 237 00:10:31,915 --> 00:10:34,950 while you're in there, try to talk him out of the beard. 238 00:10:34,985 --> 00:10:37,353 It makes him look like a Bolshevik. 239 00:10:40,790 --> 00:10:43,058 This couch smells. 240 00:10:43,093 --> 00:10:44,460 Thank you! 241 00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:50,434 Holy crap. I thought you were exaggerating for effect. 242 00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:52,376 If anything, you downplayed her. 243 00:10:52,411 --> 00:10:53,444 Yeah. Here. I gotta go. 244 00:10:53,479 --> 00:10:55,713 What? Don't you dare leave me alone with her. 245 00:10:55,747 --> 00:10:57,115 It's the hardware store. 246 00:10:57,149 --> 00:10:58,249 What about the hardware store? 247 00:10:58,283 --> 00:10:59,701 I have jury duty. 248 00:10:59,902 --> 00:11:02,574 Look, I get it, you don't want to be around your mom, but you know what? 249 00:11:02,614 --> 00:11:04,611 She's your mom, not mine, so get your ass in there. 250 00:11:04,645 --> 00:11:05,979 No. Look. 251 00:11:06,013 --> 00:11:08,615 I am still processing all of this, okay? 252 00:11:08,649 --> 00:11:12,401 And not surprisingly, my mom is not gonna be a lot of comfort. 253 00:11:12,426 --> 00:11:14,654 So, I'm gonna drive by our old house 254 00:11:14,688 --> 00:11:16,823 and try to drudge up some good memories. 255 00:11:16,891 --> 00:11:18,491 Here. Just get a few glasses in her. 256 00:11:18,526 --> 00:11:20,059 She's actually fun if she's been drinking. 257 00:11:20,094 --> 00:11:22,896 - Really? - No. Stop making me lie. 258 00:11:24,873 --> 00:11:27,241 Are you sure you're gonna be okay if I leave early? 259 00:11:27,301 --> 00:11:28,668 Becky and I are having movie night. 260 00:11:28,702 --> 00:11:31,137 Oh, wow. Look at you, 261 00:11:31,172 --> 00:11:34,574 having specially named nights with Becky at the house. 262 00:11:34,642 --> 00:11:36,242 What's all that about, huh? 263 00:11:36,285 --> 00:11:38,619 We're hanging out with the baby. 264 00:11:38,646 --> 00:11:40,613 Last night we had a nice time watching TV. 265 00:11:40,648 --> 00:11:42,682 "Nice time." Gotcha. 266 00:11:42,750 --> 00:11:45,652 So, uh... what did you do last night? 267 00:11:45,686 --> 00:11:47,687 We made some pizza rolls. 268 00:11:47,721 --> 00:11:48,888 Okay, okay. 269 00:11:48,923 --> 00:11:50,690 "Pizza rolls." Yeah. 270 00:11:50,724 --> 00:11:52,859 Did you both reach for one at the same time 271 00:11:52,893 --> 00:11:56,157 'cause you were just both so "hungry"? 272 00:11:56,497 --> 00:11:58,631 Why are you making everything dirty? 273 00:11:58,666 --> 00:12:00,945 Because you kids belong together 274 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:03,168 and you're finally taking this to the next level. 275 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,405 I think so, too. 276 00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:06,474 Well, then, you need to make a move, man. 277 00:12:06,509 --> 00:12:09,143 Well, what kind of moves are you talking about? 278 00:12:09,178 --> 00:12:11,756 Well, next time, you watch something scary 279 00:12:12,047 --> 00:12:16,251 so then maybe she'll take your hand or cuddle up next to you. 280 00:12:16,285 --> 00:12:17,986 - Ahhh. - Ah. 281 00:12:18,020 --> 00:12:19,153 There's this documentary out 282 00:12:19,188 --> 00:12:22,433 about a daughter who brutally murders her mother. 283 00:12:22,725 --> 00:12:24,692 Uh, well, no, maybe not that one. 284 00:12:24,727 --> 00:12:27,295 That's more of a "feel good" thing. 285 00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:31,866 ...and, you know, when Ben was three, 286 00:12:31,901 --> 00:12:35,036 he used to go everywhere in his little Batman mask. 287 00:12:35,104 --> 00:12:37,872 But that was all, because he hated to wear clothes. 288 00:12:37,907 --> 00:12:39,207 It didn't matter where. 289 00:12:39,241 --> 00:12:43,378 He'd strip down in banks, supermarkets, church. 290 00:12:43,412 --> 00:12:44,913 He always looked like 291 00:12:44,947 --> 00:12:47,584 a tiny, naked Mexican wrestler. 292 00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:51,152 Well, he hasn't outgrown that. 293 00:12:51,186 --> 00:12:52,887 The second we're alone in the house, 294 00:12:52,931 --> 00:12:56,400 the clothes come off and it's "I'm Batman." 295 00:12:57,927 --> 00:13:00,461 You know, you are so easy to talk to. 296 00:13:00,529 --> 00:13:03,264 I understand why Ben's never been happier. 297 00:13:03,299 --> 00:13:05,233 Oh. Same here. 298 00:13:05,267 --> 00:13:07,135 Well, that's how it should be. 299 00:13:07,169 --> 00:13:10,605 I always wished Ben's dad had been a little more fun. 300 00:13:10,639 --> 00:13:12,907 Oh, here's something that I kept from... 301 00:13:12,942 --> 00:13:14,709 No, I can't talk about that. 302 00:13:14,743 --> 00:13:17,946 Oh. Well, you've known me for several hours. 303 00:13:17,980 --> 00:13:19,414 You can tell me anything. 304 00:13:19,481 --> 00:13:21,082 Okay. 305 00:13:21,116 --> 00:13:25,119 I once sent sexy e-mails to my first boyfriend 306 00:13:25,154 --> 00:13:27,322 through the Classmates website. 307 00:13:27,356 --> 00:13:28,690 Oh. 308 00:13:28,724 --> 00:13:30,058 Well, we've all got stuff. 309 00:13:30,092 --> 00:13:31,492 One time I had a few drinks, 310 00:13:31,527 --> 00:13:34,996 and I sent a sexy e-mail to Barack Obama. 311 00:13:35,030 --> 00:13:37,332 Next thing I know, there's two guys in black suits 312 00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:38,700 with earpieces at my door. 313 00:13:38,767 --> 00:13:43,237 Well, I went to the mall and tried on Spanx, 314 00:13:43,272 --> 00:13:46,207 and then breezed past the security guard 315 00:13:46,275 --> 00:13:48,776 looking three pounds lighter. 316 00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:53,848 Oh, and Ben's dad isn't his real father. 317 00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,235 What? 318 00:13:57,553 --> 00:13:59,420 I had a fling. 319 00:13:59,455 --> 00:14:00,955 Ben doesn't know about it, 320 00:14:00,997 --> 00:14:04,633 and Nate was humiliated, so I promised not to tell. 321 00:14:04,660 --> 00:14:06,494 Well, there's no point in going on. 322 00:14:06,528 --> 00:14:07,629 I think you won. 323 00:14:13,371 --> 00:14:15,535 I just want to check if the coast is clear. 324 00:14:15,573 --> 00:14:18,296 Is Bizarro Bev still in the house? 325 00:14:18,337 --> 00:14:19,353 No. 326 00:14:19,414 --> 00:14:22,655 She went on a walk after casually mentioning 327 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:25,515 that Ben's dad is not his real dad 328 00:14:25,540 --> 00:14:26,841 and Ben doesn't know. 329 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,367 Oh, wow. 330 00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:29,835 That's a good one. 331 00:14:29,895 --> 00:14:31,381 Well, good luck with that. 332 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,190 Come on, Jackie. 333 00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:37,843 Look, I feel like Ben deserves to know 334 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:40,512 the real reason that his father was so distant, 335 00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:42,281 but finding out now 336 00:14:42,315 --> 00:14:44,901 that both his parents lied to him his entire life 337 00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:46,518 could screw him up even worse. 338 00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:47,986 What am I supposed to do? 339 00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:49,187 Make her tell him. 340 00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:52,725 She's the one who was sleeping around, the Easy Ethel. 341 00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:55,027 You know what? I'm not gonna tell him. 342 00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:56,161 If she doesn't want to deal with it, 343 00:14:56,195 --> 00:14:58,063 maybe it's better that he just doesn't know. 344 00:14:58,097 --> 00:14:59,765 He's already come to terms with the fact 345 00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:00,999 that his father was distant. 346 00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:04,269 Yeah. Sometimes the truth only makes things harder. 347 00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:06,214 You remember how devastated I was 348 00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:08,974 when I found out that my mother was... you know 349 00:15:09,008 --> 00:15:11,843 actually my real mother. 350 00:15:14,213 --> 00:15:16,949 This documentary's freaking me out. 351 00:15:16,983 --> 00:15:18,951 - It's scary, isn't it? - Ooh. 352 00:15:18,985 --> 00:15:20,485 Listen to the music. 353 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,721 They're definitely gonna find the mom's body in here. 354 00:15:22,762 --> 00:15:24,964 It's body-finding music. 355 00:15:25,024 --> 00:15:26,558 Oh, oh. 356 00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,202 Don't open the freezer! 357 00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:30,996 Oh, my... 358 00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:34,333 What are you doing? 359 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,569 I thought maybe you wanted me to. 360 00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:39,271 Why would you think that? 361 00:15:39,964 --> 00:15:42,733 Because we were spending more time together. 362 00:15:42,881 --> 00:15:44,209 And we were having so much fun 363 00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:46,512 watching those kids murder their parents. 364 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,647 I just thought... 365 00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:51,509 maybe you were starting to look at me in a different way. 366 00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:53,353 Oh. No. 367 00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:56,321 I'm happy that we're sharing our crazy crap 368 00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:58,390 that we're going through, but... 369 00:15:58,424 --> 00:15:59,591 you're dating. 370 00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:01,126 I thought you moved on. 371 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:02,394 This isn't a date. 372 00:16:02,428 --> 00:16:04,029 Why not? 373 00:16:04,063 --> 00:16:06,365 We have such a good time together. 374 00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:08,367 A-A-And you're not meeting anybody great, 375 00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:10,102 and I'm not meeting anybody great. 376 00:16:10,169 --> 00:16:12,404 We're married, we have a baby together. 377 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,172 We should be dating. 378 00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:17,242 I like hanging out with you as a friend. 379 00:16:17,276 --> 00:16:19,211 Maybe I'm selfish. 380 00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:21,947 I'm sorry if I'm sending the wrong signals. 381 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,415 I don't want to be a friend. 382 00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:27,019 Okay, then think of me as... as a sister. 383 00:16:27,053 --> 00:16:30,139 A sister... that you had a baby with. 384 00:16:32,091 --> 00:16:34,602 - I think I should go. - No, you don't have to go. 385 00:16:35,479 --> 00:16:37,230 Yeah, I do. 386 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:41,833 And just so you know, once I go back to dating, 387 00:16:41,868 --> 00:16:43,201 I'm gonna be snapped up quick. 388 00:16:43,269 --> 00:16:45,570 Married, undocumented, short-order cooks 389 00:16:45,605 --> 00:16:47,532 do not grow on trees. 390 00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,941 Yeah, you think I'm the only desperate, 391 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,944 middle-aged alcoholic out there that would find you attractive? 392 00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:55,113 This is Lanford. 393 00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:58,784 You can't swing a handle of vodka without hitting one of us. 394 00:17:01,349 --> 00:17:02,816 I'll see you tomorrow. 395 00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:09,594 Hey. I didn't hear you come in. 396 00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:12,316 Uh, your mom's probably on her way back from her walk. 397 00:17:12,341 --> 00:17:13,508 I think if we're quiet, 398 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,742 we can hear the cloven hooves on the sidewalk. 399 00:17:16,836 --> 00:17:20,138 She's not taking a walk. She's heading back to Florida. 400 00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:21,831 - What? - Yep. 401 00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:24,476 But true to her half-assed parenting style, 402 00:17:24,510 --> 00:17:28,146 she left a note saying that she told you 403 00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:31,817 some very important and upsetting news, 404 00:17:31,851 --> 00:17:35,187 and that since the cat's out of the bag, she had to leave. 405 00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:37,456 So... go. 406 00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:47,799 Okay. Here it is. 407 00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:52,237 You were born in prison. You're a prison baby. 408 00:17:54,273 --> 00:17:57,109 What? My mom was in prison? Why? 409 00:17:57,176 --> 00:17:59,853 She jacked a car. She's a car jacker. 410 00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:03,748 Mom. 411 00:18:03,791 --> 00:18:05,625 I'm sorry. I-I shouldn't have left. 412 00:18:05,651 --> 00:18:07,486 I want you to know I feel terrible. 413 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:08,863 Oh, boy. 414 00:18:09,155 --> 00:18:12,057 Look, it was a long time ago. 415 00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:15,260 You were desperate and needed money probably. 416 00:18:15,294 --> 00:18:19,574 No. I did not charge him a cent, and I was not desperate. 417 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:21,500 I was young, I was beautiful, 418 00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,368 and he had a couple of eight balls 419 00:18:23,402 --> 00:18:25,504 and the first Boston album. 420 00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:31,676 W-What are you talking about? 421 00:18:31,744 --> 00:18:33,645 Well, that's when I got pregnant. 422 00:18:33,679 --> 00:18:36,348 I should've told you Nate wasn't your real father 423 00:18:36,382 --> 00:18:37,916 a long time ago. 424 00:18:38,553 --> 00:18:41,304 Oh, my God. Nate's not his father? 425 00:18:41,329 --> 00:18:43,088 This is terrible news 426 00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,890 after learning that your mom's a coke head 427 00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:46,158 and you were born in prison. 428 00:18:46,192 --> 00:18:48,059 This is too much for one day. You know what? 429 00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,561 You should leave or I should leave, 430 00:18:49,595 --> 00:18:51,696 because one of us is gonna pass out. 431 00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:56,234 So, wait. Dad wasn't my father? 432 00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:58,728 Didn't Darlene tell you? 433 00:18:58,753 --> 00:19:01,173 I got pregnant by another man 434 00:19:01,207 --> 00:19:03,909 and Nate agreed to raise you as his own. 435 00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:05,177 So Nate knew? 436 00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:09,915 So, who is my real father? 437 00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:12,117 He died a long time ago. 438 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,352 I-I came back because I knew 439 00:19:14,387 --> 00:19:17,055 you would have a lot of questions that needed answering 440 00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:18,957 if you were going to move on from this. 441 00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:20,225 I do. 442 00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:22,427 What was my real dad's name? 443 00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:25,898 - Richard something. - Oh. 444 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,167 Where was he from? What did he like? 445 00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:30,802 Uh, what did he do for a living? 446 00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:33,939 Look, all I know is he lived someplace cold 447 00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:36,158 because he had a heavy jacket. 448 00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:40,278 So, all you know about my real dad 449 00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:42,314 is that he had a heavy jacket? 450 00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:44,133 It was one night. 451 00:19:44,508 --> 00:19:47,319 What's important is that you understand 452 00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:49,421 that Nate found out I cheated on him 453 00:19:49,455 --> 00:19:53,325 and he was mad at me, but he took it out on you. 454 00:19:53,392 --> 00:19:54,759 I'm sorry. 455 00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:58,263 Y-Y... Do you have any idea how much this screwed me up? 456 00:19:58,297 --> 00:20:00,999 You let me go my whole life thinking that my dad hated me, 457 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:03,620 that I was some kind of huge disappointment to him. 458 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,971 Well, now, it was not your whole life. 459 00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:07,172 You're not dead yet. 460 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:11,476 If your life continues exactly as it is from this point on, 461 00:20:11,510 --> 00:20:14,079 then we will all know it was not my fault. 462 00:20:14,113 --> 00:20:16,815 Okay, I've got to go. My cab is here. 463 00:20:16,849 --> 00:20:18,183 Love ya, Mom. 464 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:21,086 Thank you. We don't say it enough. 465 00:20:25,942 --> 00:20:28,216 Well, at least now I kinda understand 466 00:20:28,272 --> 00:20:30,037 why my dad treated me like crap. 467 00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:31,354 Every time he looked at me, 468 00:20:31,355 --> 00:20:35,233 he saw some jackass my mom banged and hated me for it. 469 00:20:35,564 --> 00:20:36,798 Man, you were only a kid. 470 00:20:36,847 --> 00:20:39,238 He should have never taken it out on you. 471 00:20:39,328 --> 00:20:41,696 I mean, I treat Darlene like she's my own. 472 00:20:43,129 --> 00:20:44,685 If only. 473 00:20:45,418 --> 00:20:47,919 All right. We're here to say goodbye to Nate. 474 00:20:47,987 --> 00:20:52,357 Dad, thanks for always putting food on the table, 475 00:20:52,425 --> 00:20:54,659 and thanks for at least never calling me a bastard. 476 00:20:54,727 --> 00:20:56,127 Mm. 477 00:20:56,170 --> 00:20:57,703 To Nate. 478 00:20:57,730 --> 00:20:58,699 And... 479 00:20:59,398 --> 00:21:01,533 to dead Richard with the heavy coat. 480 00:21:01,567 --> 00:21:04,202 One day, I'll figure out who you were. 481 00:21:04,236 --> 00:21:06,666 To dead Richard with the heavy coat. 482 00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:08,540 Clink. 483 00:21:08,574 --> 00:21:11,109 There is one saving grace. 484 00:21:11,143 --> 00:21:12,877 I've got a family here. 485 00:21:12,912 --> 00:21:16,781 Thank you, boy, but you ain't family yet. 486 00:21:16,816 --> 00:21:21,196 You grab Miss Darlene-Sue here and make of her an honest woman, 487 00:21:21,197 --> 00:21:24,869 and I'll be your Pappy, teach you how to run hooch.