1
00:00:00,179 --> 00:00:03,399
<b>2x14 - Bad Dads and Grads</b>

2
00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:05,359
- Hey.
- Hi.

3
00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:07,319
How do I look for my date?

4
00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:09,819
I-I want my outfit to say
that I'm available

5
00:00:09,820 --> 00:00:11,649
but not too available,

6
00:00:11,650 --> 00:00:14,649
and that I'm 64
but I have the sex drive

7
00:00:14,650 --> 00:00:16,990
of a 40-year-old
who's newly married.

8
00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:23,109
You look great.
Just be calm and be yourself.

9
00:00:23,110 --> 00:00:24,819
If you have to choose one,
be calm.

10
00:00:24,820 --> 00:00:28,989
Okay. It's really
scary getting back out there.

11
00:00:28,990 --> 00:00:31,199
And you have to find
the right dating app.

12
00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:33,859
I started off with one that
I thought sounded appropriate

13
00:00:33,860 --> 00:00:37,199
for a woman my age...
Precious Little Time.

14
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:39,859
Which I thought meant that
you wouldn't waste time

15
00:00:39,860 --> 00:00:41,649
with people who
weren't right for you.

16
00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:43,779
But it turns out, it's
for the terminally ill

17
00:00:43,780 --> 00:00:46,529
who are still sexually active.

18
00:00:46,530 --> 00:00:49,899
Well, you know those people are
gonna want to do the freaky stuff.

19
00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:51,989
Nobody wants to die in
the missionary position.

20
00:00:51,990 --> 00:00:55,569
- Uh-huh.
- Hey-ey.

21
00:00:55,570 --> 00:00:58,319
What do you have for being
underweight and depressed?

22
00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:00,859
Wow, I guess somebody
got a glimpse of themselves

23
00:01:00,860 --> 00:01:03,439
in the window on the way over.

24
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:05,399
No, I was at Planned Parenthood,

25
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:07,569
which is a good place
to go if you're poor

26
00:01:07,570 --> 00:01:09,239
and actually planning
for parenthood.

27
00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:11,859
You and Ben are having a baby?!

28
00:01:11,860 --> 00:01:15,400
Smart move!
Lock that hunk of Grade A down.

29
00:01:17,030 --> 00:01:19,199
First of all, it was Ben's idea.

30
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:20,880
Second of all, we're just
talking about it.

31
00:01:20,881 --> 00:01:22,630
I just wanted to see
if I'm healthy enough.

32
00:01:22,631 --> 00:01:25,239
- And are you?
- Oh, God, no.

33
00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:27,859
I'm out of shape,
my blood is iron poor,

34
00:01:27,860 --> 00:01:29,739
and my vitamin levels
are too low.

35
00:01:29,740 --> 00:01:32,608
Is that from being vegan?

36
00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:36,819
No.
Healthy vegans are fine.

37
00:01:36,820 --> 00:01:38,399
But I'm a trash vegan.

38
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:41,439
It turns out coconut caramel
fudge swirl soy ice cream

39
00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:44,266
is not the building block
of a healthy diet.

40
00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:19,220
<i> sync & correction by f1nc0
<font color="cyan"> ~ Addic7ed.com ~ </font></i>

41
00:02:22,390 --> 00:02:25,939
<i>"The Conners" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience. </i>

42
00:02:25,940 --> 00:02:28,609
Hey. You guys left Grandpa Ed's
a few hours ago.

43
00:02:28,610 --> 00:02:29,859
What took so long?

44
00:02:29,860 --> 00:02:32,989
Well, I took him to that
abandoned mall parking lot,

45
00:02:32,990 --> 00:02:35,569
taught him how to do ice donuts.

46
00:02:35,570 --> 00:02:39,279
We skidded out of the parking
lot onto the sidewalk.

47
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:41,359
Scared the hell out of that
mom with that stroller.

48
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:42,960
Shh!

49
00:02:44,070 --> 00:02:46,649
Found a box of Dan's
childhood stuff at the house.

50
00:02:46,650 --> 00:02:49,300
Oh, wow.
I've never seen anything

51
00:02:49,301 --> 00:02:50,280
from when you were a kid.

52
00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:52,239
I can't believe
your dad held on to this.

53
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,859
I don't think he wanted
to hang on to it.

54
00:02:53,860 --> 00:02:55,989
"Anything in this box, 50 cents"

55
00:02:55,990 --> 00:02:59,606
gives you a pretty good idea
of his emotional attachment.

56
00:02:59,652 --> 00:03:02,180
I tried to give him the old man's
car, but he wouldn't take it.

57
00:03:02,204 --> 00:03:03,399
I don't want his car.

58
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,739
He treated the car
better than he treated me.

59
00:03:05,740 --> 00:03:07,239
This may come as
a shock to you all,

60
00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:08,529
'cause he hides it so well, but

61
00:03:08,530 --> 00:03:11,069
Dan didn't have the best
relationship with our dad.

62
00:03:11,070 --> 00:03:12,899
- What? What?!
- What? No!

63
00:03:12,900 --> 00:03:15,489
You got me there, Bub.

64
00:03:15,490 --> 00:03:17,530
You want a cup of coffee
and some cookies, Uncle Ed?

65
00:03:17,554 --> 00:03:19,399
Yeah. And you don't
have to call me Uncle.

66
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:21,066
Makes me feel old.

67
00:03:21,140 --> 00:03:23,635
Here's your coffee, Uncle Ed!

68
00:03:26,550 --> 00:03:30,695
Is this cookie
soft enough for your dentures?!

69
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:34,219
Have your fun. I'll pretend
to be the old uncle.

70
00:03:34,220 --> 00:03:36,839
Oh, he's confused again!

71
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:40,299
He doesn't know that
he's related to us!

72
00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:42,889
Hey! You guys
should knock it off.

73
00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,679
He's barely related to us.

74
00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:48,280
No, Harris, we talked about this.
You cannot date your uncle.

75
00:03:49,550 --> 00:03:53,129
I'm so sick of this family
and all of its crazy rules.

76
00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:56,099
What's this?
Can I have it?

77
00:03:56,100 --> 00:03:57,469
Stop being so rude.

78
00:03:57,470 --> 00:04:00,799
- I want it.
- What is it?

79
00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:02,880
It's nothing. That's mine.
I-It shouldn't be in here.

80
00:04:02,904 --> 00:04:06,049
Oh! That's not nothing.
It's your college diploma.

81
00:04:06,050 --> 00:04:08,179
You didn't mention
you went to college.

82
00:04:08,180 --> 00:04:09,839
It's no big deal.

83
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,549
- What'd you major in?
- Environmental Science.

84
00:04:12,550 --> 00:04:15,066
Ooh, I hope
the government brings that back.

85
00:04:16,510 --> 00:04:18,719
I hope those jobs pay good.

86
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:21,339
You got to be drowning in
student loans, huh?

87
00:04:21,340 --> 00:04:23,050
I'll be alright.

88
00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:28,250
Hey, do that thing when I'm old
again and I can't hear good.

89
00:04:28,274 --> 00:04:29,874
That was really funny.

90
00:04:30,180 --> 00:04:32,180
The old man paid for
your college, didn't he?

91
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:36,049
Yeah, he did.

92
00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:39,440
Good for you.

93
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:57,880
You think you would
be more comfortable waiting at the bar?

94
00:04:57,904 --> 00:05:00,570
Mm-hm. You can drop the
phony French accent, Pete.

95
00:05:00,594 --> 00:05:02,099
I don't know
if you remember this,

96
00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:04,799
but I used to babysit you
when you were, say, "cinq."

97
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,680
So you're not getting the table.

98
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,280
<i>Merci, garçon.</i>

99
00:05:15,260 --> 00:05:17,099
I can't believe how
rude they're being

100
00:05:17,100 --> 00:05:19,389
just because your friend
is a little delayed.

101
00:05:19,390 --> 00:05:20,929
Would you care to join us?

102
00:05:20,930 --> 00:05:22,639
Oh, no, that's very nice of you,

103
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:24,429
but my date should be
here any second.

104
00:05:24,430 --> 00:05:25,889
He's a teacher,

105
00:05:25,890 --> 00:05:28,759
so he's probably turning
some child's life around.

106
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:31,639
Of course.
But it'd be our pleasure.

107
00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:33,469
And you could
break the tie for us.

108
00:05:33,470 --> 00:05:36,099
We're having a debate about
that couple over there.

109
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:38,509
I say esteemed publisher
and aspiring young novelist.

110
00:05:38,510 --> 00:05:40,179
I say hooker and john.

111
00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:43,299
Oh, there's no way
that man's a hooker.

112
00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:48,969
Hey.

113
00:05:48,970 --> 00:05:50,509
Uh, ok...
Well, I-I don't know.

114
00:05:50,510 --> 00:05:51,990
I guess I could join you.

115
00:05:52,014 --> 00:05:54,719
This is the first time I've
tried using a dating app.

116
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:57,759
Oh, those apps have changed
everything, right?

117
00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:00,839
I can turn the light on
in my guest bedroom.

118
00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:02,719
Watch this.

119
00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:04,049
- Hmm.
- Uh-oh!

120
00:06:04,050 --> 00:06:05,679
I just opened the garage door.

121
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:06,929
Uh-oh.

122
00:06:06,930 --> 00:06:08,339
There go the cats.

123
00:06:09,341 --> 00:06:10,509
Fix this, would you, honey?

124
00:06:11,930 --> 00:06:13,509
Oh, crap. I started the car.

125
00:06:13,510 --> 00:06:16,794
Well, it's good
the garage door is open.

126
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:20,760
- You two are so cute.
- We are, right?

127
00:06:21,970 --> 00:06:23,339
By the way, I'm Ron.

128
00:06:23,340 --> 00:06:25,260
This is my lovely bride
of thirty years, Janelle.

129
00:06:25,284 --> 00:06:26,146
- Oh.
- Hi.

130
00:06:26,147 --> 00:06:27,009
Hi. I'm Jackie.

131
00:06:27,010 --> 00:06:29,010
And I want to buy both of you
another glass of wine

132
00:06:29,034 --> 00:06:31,339
for being so kind to me.

133
00:06:31,340 --> 00:06:33,799
Oh, they have my favorite
wine... "house."

134
00:06:35,260 --> 00:06:37,140
Alright, but if you're
gonna be buying the wine,

135
00:06:37,141 --> 00:06:39,461
then you're gonna have to join
us for karaoke after dinner.

136
00:06:39,485 --> 00:06:40,839
Oh, I love karaoke!

137
00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:42,509
I do a fantastic "Thriller."

138
00:06:42,510 --> 00:06:44,719
You know, not many people
do the dance moves.

139
00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:47,139
That's great!

140
00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:49,299
We finally have a third
for "Love Shack"!

141
00:06:49,300 --> 00:06:53,139
- Ohh!
- ♪ The love shack, baby, yeah ♪

142
00:06:53,140 --> 00:06:55,839
Love shack, baby!

143
00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:59,679
My God, is it just me, or do we
sound better than the original?

144
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,299
Just you.

145
00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:08,800
Thanks for keeping an eye
on Aunt Darlene.

146
00:07:10,890 --> 00:07:12,969
She's doing girl push-ups?

147
00:07:12,970 --> 00:07:16,049
I thought you had to be
a girl to do those.

148
00:07:16,050 --> 00:07:19,759
Tell Beverly Rose to get off my
ass. I'm doing the best I can.

149
00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:21,179
You know, if you
just tell your kids

150
00:07:21,180 --> 00:07:22,929
that you're thinking
about having a baby,

151
00:07:22,930 --> 00:07:26,429
you could work out in front of
the TV, like a normal person.

152
00:07:26,430 --> 00:07:29,599
It's not worth answering all
those questions until it's real.

153
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:31,139
Plus, I'm trying to
avoid junk food,

154
00:07:31,140 --> 00:07:33,719
and most of it's
in the carpet downstairs.

155
00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:36,549
Hey.
You got a minute?

156
00:07:36,550 --> 00:07:39,219
Hey, Harris.
What are you doing up here?

157
00:07:39,220 --> 00:07:41,259
I came to see which insurance
plan you have for me.

158
00:07:41,260 --> 00:07:43,509
I can buy one at work,
and I wanna see if it's better.

159
00:07:43,510 --> 00:07:48,200
Okay, well, you don't have
one here, so that one's better.

160
00:07:49,390 --> 00:07:52,339
What were you doing on the
floor? Were you exercising?

161
00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:55,389
- You never exercise.
- Hey, your mother was an athlete.

162
00:07:55,390 --> 00:07:57,969
When she was a kid,
she played basketball.

163
00:07:57,970 --> 00:08:00,219
You're 2 feet tall.

164
00:08:00,220 --> 00:08:03,091
Who would you play against,
Alvin and the Chipmunks?

165
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:05,679
Seriously, why are you doing this?

166
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:08,525
I... just want to get swole, dawg.

167
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:13,259
Ew. You'll tell me the
truth, right, Becky?

168
00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:15,139
Come on, Beverly Rose.

169
00:08:15,140 --> 00:08:17,786
Nothing good is gonna
happen here.

170
00:08:18,470 --> 00:08:20,070
Thank you, Becky.

171
00:08:22,890 --> 00:08:25,259
Alright, um...

172
00:08:25,260 --> 00:08:29,389
you're mature enough for me
to just put this out there.

173
00:08:29,390 --> 00:08:33,510
Ben and I are...
thinking about having a baby.

174
00:08:34,550 --> 00:08:36,150
How do you feel about that?

175
00:08:37,220 --> 00:08:40,599
You're old
and it's embarrassing, but...

176
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,760
I don't care, 'cause I don't
have to live here anymore.

177
00:08:44,050 --> 00:08:46,762
Let's always talk.
Just like this.

178
00:08:47,180 --> 00:08:48,840
If I'm not doing anything else.

179
00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:54,420
I know you took the good
bath towel to your apartment.

180
00:08:54,444 --> 00:08:55,469
Bring it back.

181
00:08:55,470 --> 00:08:57,929
You got
bigger problems than that.

182
00:08:57,930 --> 00:09:00,339
Mom and Ben
are gonna have a baby.

183
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:05,219
- What?! Why?!
- Because she's insane.

184
00:09:05,220 --> 00:09:07,510
She's like a thousand years old
and frail.

185
00:09:09,180 --> 00:09:10,969
Well, then I got to
tell her not to do it.

186
00:09:10,970 --> 00:09:12,509
She doesn't care what you say.

187
00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:14,429
Mom's having a new baby.
You're out.

188
00:09:19,450 --> 00:09:22,109
Wow! Are those
from the math teacher?

189
00:09:22,110 --> 00:09:23,869
No!
He stood me up.

190
00:09:23,870 --> 00:09:25,319
Oh, they're...

191
00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:26,990
they're from Ron and Janelle.

192
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,279
A nice couple I met
who let me sit at their table

193
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:31,989
so I wouldn't be humiliated.

194
00:09:31,990 --> 00:09:35,369
A couple sent you flowers?
That's odd.

195
00:09:35,370 --> 00:09:36,970
Where else did you sit?

196
00:09:37,950 --> 00:09:40,159
Oh, stop that.
They're nice people.

197
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,609
We had fun together.

198
00:09:41,610 --> 00:09:43,489
They sent you red roses.

199
00:09:43,490 --> 00:09:45,699
- That's romantic.
- Don't be ridiculo...

200
00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:47,409
They've been married
for thirty years.

201
00:09:47,410 --> 00:09:49,820
They're regular
one-person-at-a-time people.

202
00:09:51,070 --> 00:09:54,319
"Can't wait to visit
the Love Shack with you again"?

203
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:57,069
Sounds like pile-of-people-
at-a-time people.

204
00:09:57,070 --> 00:10:00,159
Oh, my God,
we sang that song at karaoke.

205
00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:01,869
And then we went
and got hot chocolate,

206
00:10:01,870 --> 00:10:04,779
and then we walked along
the Lanford River,

207
00:10:04,780 --> 00:10:06,409
and then they walked me
to my car,

208
00:10:06,410 --> 00:10:07,989
and they said they
had a wonderful time

209
00:10:07,990 --> 00:10:09,780
and that they'd like
to see me again.

210
00:10:11,570 --> 00:10:15,069
That's a date. They want
you to be part of a thrupple.

211
00:10:15,070 --> 00:10:18,090
What? No, they don't!
What is that?

212
00:10:18,610 --> 00:10:22,819
It's the fun of a threesome with
the drudgery of a relationship.

213
00:10:22,820 --> 00:10:24,869
Becky, I'm not gonna stand here

214
00:10:24,870 --> 00:10:26,369
and listen to you
jump to conclusions.

215
00:10:26,370 --> 00:10:29,109
I have to get ready to meet
them at dance class.

216
00:10:29,110 --> 00:10:31,490
The three of us
are going to tango.

217
00:10:35,910 --> 00:10:37,069
See ya!

218
00:10:39,370 --> 00:10:41,069
Hey, buddy.

219
00:10:41,070 --> 00:10:44,989
- Ready for a little piano lesson?
- No. I wanna talk to you.

220
00:10:44,990 --> 00:10:47,159
Why are you forcing
my mom to have a baby?

221
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:49,449
Whoa!

222
00:10:49,450 --> 00:10:51,989
I... don't know who told you that,

223
00:10:51,990 --> 00:10:54,909
but I am not forcing
your mom to have a baby.

224
00:10:54,910 --> 00:10:56,510
Is she forcing you?

225
00:10:59,070 --> 00:11:03,449
- Well, no.
- It had to be somebody's idea.

226
00:11:03,450 --> 00:11:05,199
Nobody just does that
kind of thing for fun.

227
00:11:07,410 --> 00:11:09,010
Ahh.

228
00:11:11,820 --> 00:11:15,029
All I can say is that
we love each other, okay?

229
00:11:15,030 --> 00:11:17,279
And we're just thinking
about having a baby.

230
00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:18,739
You're a liar.

231
00:11:18,740 --> 00:11:21,239
She's not gonna turn down
having a baby with you.

232
00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:22,870
You're the hottest guy
she's ever dated.

233
00:11:25,700 --> 00:11:29,029
Hey, the liar comment is hurtful.

234
00:11:29,030 --> 00:11:33,609
But... I can't argue
with you that...

235
00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:35,570
I am the hottest guy
she's ever dated.

236
00:11:37,410 --> 00:11:40,949
- It's weird when you say it.
- Okay, but, look, I am pretty sure

237
00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:43,190
that your mom does not want me
talking to you about this.

238
00:11:43,214 --> 00:11:46,449
But
I'm just gonna go on and...

239
00:11:46,450 --> 00:11:48,989
jump into the old "dad waters"
for the first time here.

240
00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:55,369
Uh... you're worried
that if we have a new baby

241
00:11:55,370 --> 00:11:57,409
that you won't have a place
in this family.

242
00:11:57,410 --> 00:11:58,779
But you will.

243
00:11:58,780 --> 00:12:01,029
You'll be a big brother,
hot shot.

244
00:12:01,030 --> 00:12:03,530
"Dad waters" is not a thing,
you idiot.

245
00:12:06,870 --> 00:12:08,470
Don't tell your mom we talked.

246
00:12:09,700 --> 00:12:12,559
Or that I said "dad waters."

247
00:12:15,660 --> 00:12:17,609
What are you doing here?

248
00:12:17,610 --> 00:12:20,529
You're supposed to be helping
Ed Jr. over at your dad's house.

249
00:12:20,530 --> 00:12:22,489
We pretty much
finished the drywall.

250
00:12:22,490 --> 00:12:26,409
He can handle it from there.
He's a smart kid.

251
00:12:26,410 --> 00:12:32,319
- He went to college.
- Oh, so, that's what this is about.

252
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:36,279
I saw your face when Ed Jr. said
Grandpa paid for his college.

253
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:39,699
You're so good at reading my
face, what's it saying now?

254
00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:44,029
It says you think you
got a raw deal.

255
00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:47,319
And your eyebrow
is telling me you want pie.

256
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:49,660
Eh, that's easy.
I always want pie.

257
00:12:50,910 --> 00:12:52,609
Nope.

258
00:12:52,610 --> 00:12:55,199
You can't eat your feelings
until you tell me what they are.

259
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:58,069
I don't have any feelings.
You know that.

260
00:12:58,070 --> 00:12:59,319
Uh-oh!

261
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:02,109
Looks like I have
a heavy whipped cream finger!

262
00:13:02,110 --> 00:13:06,279
Okay, okay! It would have
been nice to go to college.

263
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:08,489
You never talked about
wanting to go to college.

264
00:13:08,490 --> 00:13:10,279
There's a lot of things
I don't talk about.

265
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,660
I'm only talking about it now
because of the pie.

266
00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:17,910
- I wanted to design cars.
- Really?

267
00:13:17,911 --> 00:13:22,029
All through high school, I filled
up notebooks with my design.

268
00:13:22,030 --> 00:13:24,069
My art teacher thought
I really had something.

269
00:13:24,070 --> 00:13:26,779
But the old man
wouldn't give me a dime.

270
00:13:26,780 --> 00:13:28,699
Said I wasn't college material.

271
00:13:28,700 --> 00:13:31,989
- Like he'd know.
- So what?

272
00:13:31,990 --> 00:13:34,909
You're gonna punish Ed Jr.
every time you hear

273
00:13:34,910 --> 00:13:37,279
about something nice
your dad did for him?

274
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:38,909
'Cause that's not his fault.

275
00:13:38,910 --> 00:13:40,909
I know I should let it go,
but I can't.

276
00:13:40,910 --> 00:13:43,369
And if I don't, I'm gonna wreck
my relationship with the kid.

277
00:13:44,820 --> 00:13:47,989
The only way to let it all go is

278
00:13:47,990 --> 00:13:50,109
to get some kind of closure
with your dad.

279
00:13:50,110 --> 00:13:52,239
Yeah...

280
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,700
Man, it'd be so much easier
if he was still alive.

281
00:13:57,160 --> 00:14:00,449
I could sit down with him,
hear his side of it,

282
00:14:00,450 --> 00:14:03,109
and punch him right in the face.

283
00:14:06,810 --> 00:14:09,479
It was awful nice of you
to treat me to this.

284
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:11,480
I don't know when's the last
time I had a pedicure.

285
00:14:11,504 --> 00:14:14,439
They took off so much dead skin
I think I went down a shoe size.

286
00:14:17,020 --> 00:14:19,189
Listen, you guys have paid
for everything this week,

287
00:14:19,190 --> 00:14:21,559
and I'm starting to feel
like maybe I owe you,

288
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,020
hmm, I don't know, money.

289
00:14:26,060 --> 00:14:29,399
Nonsense. It's nice to
have someone to spoil.

290
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:32,099
Our kids are grown, and, well,
we don't like them.

291
00:14:33,770 --> 00:14:36,900
And we just can't imagine
not having you around.

292
00:14:38,940 --> 00:14:41,468
Oh, would you look at that.

293
00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:46,359
Jackie, this is awkward because
we've never done this before,

294
00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:48,019
so we're just gonna say it.

295
00:14:48,020 --> 00:14:50,149
We want to invite you into
our relationship.

296
00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:52,980
Which right now feels like the
most natural thing in the world.

297
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,960
Uh...

298
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:01,519
There's the other one.

299
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:03,809
So, we were looking for
the right person,

300
00:15:03,810 --> 00:15:06,479
and then, out of the blue,
you found us.

301
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:09,484
Oh. Well, I've never found
an "us" before, but

302
00:15:09,519 --> 00:15:12,133
here "us" is.

303
00:15:12,940 --> 00:15:16,399
- It's kind of a surprise.
- Really?

304
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,979
The red roses,
the Love Shack, the locket...?

305
00:15:18,980 --> 00:15:20,559
Oh, this is a locket?

306
00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:22,809
Oh, and it opens up!

307
00:15:22,810 --> 00:15:25,521
And there's the three of us.

308
00:15:27,190 --> 00:15:28,599
So, what do you say, Jackie?

309
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:30,189
Do you have room
in your life for us?

310
00:15:30,190 --> 00:15:32,649
Well, it's...
it's a big decision.

311
00:15:32,650 --> 00:15:34,559
Do I have a little time
to think about it?

312
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:36,649
- Of course.
- It's important to us

313
00:15:36,650 --> 00:15:38,559
that you want this
as much as we do.

314
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:41,399
Well, I will say, if I brought
you both home to meet my mother,

315
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,689
it would kill her, so

316
00:15:43,690 --> 00:15:46,149
that's a big check in
the plus column...

317
00:15:48,730 --> 00:15:50,649
Oh, you are so...

318
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:56,099
Hey, buddy.
Whatcha doing?

319
00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:58,485
Stress-ironing.

320
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,979
I talked to Ben, and he told me

321
00:16:03,980 --> 00:16:06,689
that you're worried about
a new baby coming into our lives

322
00:16:06,690 --> 00:16:08,099
and what that means for you.

323
00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:12,599
And I just want to tell you
that everything is gonna be fine.

324
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:16,520
- You're gonna die.
- What?

325
00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:21,649
Women in their forties
have the highest risk

326
00:16:21,650 --> 00:16:23,399
of dying in childbirth.

327
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,309
Strokes, kidney failure,
hemorrhaging,

328
00:16:25,310 --> 00:16:27,519
infections, pre-eclampsia...

329
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:30,195
Don't know what that is, but it
happens right before eclampsia.

330
00:16:32,690 --> 00:16:35,229
Alright. Slow down.

331
00:16:35,230 --> 00:16:36,359
Where did you get this?

332
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,899
There's a lot of crazy
stuff on the Internet.

333
00:16:38,900 --> 00:16:41,769
The Mayo Clinic, the American
Medical Association,

334
00:16:41,770 --> 00:16:43,560
and the National
Institutes of Health.

335
00:16:45,060 --> 00:16:47,607
Oh. Maybe I better
have a look at that.

336
00:16:48,310 --> 00:16:49,809
Well, what happens if you die

337
00:16:49,810 --> 00:16:53,269
and I-I hate the baby
because it killed you?

338
00:16:53,270 --> 00:16:56,149
And then I have to take care
of a baby that I hate?

339
00:16:56,150 --> 00:16:59,302
You think I'm gonna send
a kid like that to college?

340
00:16:59,940 --> 00:17:02,939
Mark, take a breath, okay?

341
00:17:05,770 --> 00:17:08,186
I'm not gonna die.
Alright?

342
00:17:08,221 --> 00:17:10,559
I'm a Conner.
We don't just drop dead.

343
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:13,559
We break down early,
and we linger

344
00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:16,479
so that we're a burden
to the next generation.

345
00:17:17,230 --> 00:17:19,559
Nana Bev is a burden
to Aunt Jackie,

346
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:21,729
your grandpa will be
a burden to me,

347
00:17:21,730 --> 00:17:26,174
and I will be a burden to you
for a long, long time.

348
00:17:26,860 --> 00:17:29,769
You can't guarantee that
you're gonna be okay.

349
00:17:29,770 --> 00:17:32,399
Mark, look, the numbers
say the odds of me

350
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:36,519
dying in childbirth are
one-hundredth of one-percent.

351
00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:39,859
- Guess that's not a lot.
- Yeah.

352
00:17:39,860 --> 00:17:43,939
You're totally worried
about the wrong thing. Okay?

353
00:17:43,940 --> 00:17:45,809
You don't need to
worry about me dying.

354
00:17:45,810 --> 00:17:49,779
It's much more likely that I'll
love the new baby more than you.

355
00:17:51,650 --> 00:17:52,809
Seriously?

356
00:17:52,810 --> 00:17:54,189
Look at me.
That's not possible.

357
00:17:54,190 --> 00:17:56,939
Uh, how do you know?

358
00:17:56,940 --> 00:17:58,359
We haven't seen the baby yet.

359
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:01,361
And Ben is the hottest guy
I've ever dated.

360
00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:06,559
Okay.
This was Dad's spot.

361
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,359
You gonna tell me why we drove all
the way out here in Dad's car?

362
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:13,979
I just wanted to see where he
used to come to sit and think.

363
00:18:13,980 --> 00:18:17,019
I get it.
It's so deserted,

364
00:18:17,020 --> 00:18:19,190
you could scream out here
and nobody'd hear ya.

365
00:18:21,310 --> 00:18:22,910
Okay.

366
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:27,979
Look, I know you're really mad
about the whole college thing.

367
00:18:27,980 --> 00:18:31,059
Yeah, I got to tell you,
it got to me.

368
00:18:31,060 --> 00:18:33,729
Every time I hear about all
the good stuff he did for you,

369
00:18:33,730 --> 00:18:37,729
all this rage and resentment
comes boiling up again.

370
00:18:37,730 --> 00:18:40,331
- I gotta put an end to it.
- Alright, look,

371
00:18:40,366 --> 00:18:42,019
it is not
my fault what he did for me.

372
00:18:42,020 --> 00:18:44,229
Alright, but if you wanna go,

373
00:18:44,230 --> 00:18:46,979
take your best shot,
but I'm a biter.

374
00:18:49,810 --> 00:18:51,859
I didn't come here to fight you.

375
00:18:51,860 --> 00:18:54,979
I appreciate you giving me
the car, man.

376
00:18:54,980 --> 00:18:56,689
Well, why don't we go
back into the car,

377
00:18:56,690 --> 00:18:58,399
where it's warm,
and talk about it?

378
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:01,899
No can do.
I already lit the fuse.

379
00:19:04,980 --> 00:19:07,182
What?

380
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:11,019
I loaded up the trunk with fireworks,
illegal stuff from Michigan.

381
00:19:11,020 --> 00:19:13,769
I got something called
a Patriot's Candle.

382
00:19:13,770 --> 00:19:16,554
It's basically just
a stick of dynamite.

383
00:19:17,230 --> 00:19:18,769
So, we drove all
the way out here

384
00:19:18,770 --> 00:19:22,089
with a trunk full of explosives?

385
00:19:25,150 --> 00:19:29,979
- Holy crap, that's really cool.
- Yeah, it was.

386
00:19:29,980 --> 00:19:31,580
I feel better.

387
00:19:32,940 --> 00:19:36,519
Just had to exorcise
some demons.

388
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,729
I had to get closure with Dad

389
00:19:39,730 --> 00:19:43,269
to keep him from screwing up
our relationship.

390
00:19:43,270 --> 00:19:45,949
And he loved that car.

391
00:19:49,310 --> 00:19:50,910
Hey.

392
00:19:54,150 --> 00:19:55,769
<i>Whoo!</i>

393
00:19:55,770 --> 00:19:58,439
What?
Stop!

394
00:19:58,440 --> 00:19:59,769
It's just me.

395
00:19:59,770 --> 00:20:02,899
Ron and Janelle paid for it,
but, uh...

396
00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:06,189
Becky, you were right.
They want a thrupple.

397
00:20:06,190 --> 00:20:08,059
I'm guessing that's a couple

398
00:20:08,060 --> 00:20:10,559
plus one person who's wearing
someone else's hair?

399
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:14,309
No. It's when three people
have an equal relationship,

400
00:20:14,310 --> 00:20:15,729
just like a couple.

401
00:20:15,730 --> 00:20:18,729
- Are you actually considering this?
- Maybe.

402
00:20:18,730 --> 00:20:21,269
I mean, they're fun,
they treat me with respect.

403
00:20:21,270 --> 00:20:23,059
When's the last time I had that?

404
00:20:23,060 --> 00:20:25,149
I think that Ron and Janelle

405
00:20:25,150 --> 00:20:28,166
might be the person I've been
looking for all this time.

406
00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,689
Are you sure you're ready for this?

407
00:20:31,690 --> 00:20:34,559
What happens when Ron wants
to have sex with you?

408
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:36,439
Or Janelle?

409
00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:40,059
- Or Ron and Janelle?
- Um...

410
00:20:40,060 --> 00:20:42,309
I'll deal with that when
we go up to our lake house

411
00:20:42,310 --> 00:20:44,714
in Door County next weekend.

412
00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:54,429
You know, it's a shame there's no pictures
of us together when I was a baby.

413
00:20:54,430 --> 00:20:57,219
I remember
the first time I babysat you.

414
00:20:57,220 --> 00:20:58,820
You were easy.

415
00:20:59,470 --> 00:21:02,389
D.J., see if there's any
frozen waffles in the freezer.

416
00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:07,679
Crystal's list didn't say
anything about frozen waffles.

417
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,349
That's because
she doesn't know the secret.

418
00:21:10,350 --> 00:21:12,099
There you go.

419
00:21:12,100 --> 00:21:14,849
Chew on this for a while, Little Ed.

420
00:21:14,850 --> 00:21:18,599
Yeah, that's gonna make
those gums feel better. Hmm?

421
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:21,929
Ugh.
He's slobbering.

422
00:21:21,930 --> 00:21:23,389
Well, that's why I use a waffle.

423
00:21:23,390 --> 00:21:26,470
It's got all those
built-in drool cups.

424
00:21:29,383 --> 00:21:31,644
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