- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -
Okay, Harris should be here any minute.
Remember, she was just fired.
Her college dreams were crushed.
And by moving back in,
she's losing any shred of independence.
Oh, but don't make a huge deal out of it.
There's no reason to.
The kid had a rough break, but she'll bounce back.
None of us ever have, but I've seen it happen.
I've seen it happen in other families.
Mostly on TV.
I think we all agree we should stop thinking
of her as lost and hopeless.
Let's start thinking about her
as free childcare for my baby.
Uh, first, let me say I appreciate you exploiting
my suffering child,
but maybe you can give her a day or two.
Please, nobody say anything.
There she is!
Now, you might not realize this yet,
but nobody learns from their successes.
You only learn from failure.
So when you pull yourself out of this
dark pit of despair,
you're gonna be so much smarter.
I mean, if.
'Cause some people don't make it.
You can stop right there, Jackie.
You pretty much fixed her.
You know what?
You are gonna make it.
You just need a purpose,
like helping others.
And who needs more help than a baby?
Oh, God.
You know what?
I'm starting to think that a lot of our failures
are because of what happens right here.
"The Conners" is filmed
in front of a live studio audience.
Damn it!
Okay, there's no way I can afford daycare.
I thought Harris would watch the baby
now that she's home, but she won't get out of bed.
Let's tell her we found her mattress
on the front lawn after a tornado.
Maybe that'll get her out.
I even put the crib in her room.
But when she woke up, she put it back in the hall.
Why is this all on Harris?
I thought one of the big pluses of the Lunch Box
was that you could bring Beverly Rose to work.
I'm cool with it, but it turns out nobody else
likes a teething, screaming baby in a restaurant.
Look, I know you all are busy, but I'm screwed here.
Does anybody have any ideas how to help me?
I could take her to the jobsite with me.
There's a Starbucks next door.
I could put a cup of coffee and a laptop in front of her,
and apparently, she can sit there all day.
That's not helping.
Have you talked to Emilio about this?
He has family here. Maybe they'd help out.
I don't know.
Emilio and I don't really have a relationship.
Wouldn't it be weird to ask his family for free childcare?
Well, it's better than sticking her at the coffee place.
If the baby has to use the bathroom,
you know someone's gonna steal that laptop.
Alright, here it goes.
We're FaceTiming Daddy.
- Hey, Emilio! - Hey!
Hi, everyone.
I bought something for the baby I want to show you.
It says, "Forget about weed. Legalize my daddy".
I appreciate it, but I'm not sure
I want to be the face of this movement.
We wish you were here.
Look, I'm really struggling to find someone
to take care of the baby when I'm at work.
Jackie told me you have family here.
Do you think there's any chance
that they could help me out here?
Uh, hola, Emilio. Um...
Um... uh...
_
Um, what did she say?
Uh, she say that you were "nerviosa" about my "familia".
There were lots of clues in there.
My tías have been watching the family's kids
at their house for years.
I'm sure they would love to help.
And having my family involved would make me feel
more like I'm part of the baby's life.
Ohh. Wow.
This could be great.
Um, but what if your aunts don't like me?
They will love you.
Just be sure to cover your tattoo and wear a cross.
And if you want to get your roots done,
that would be good, too.
Hey, has Harris come out of her room yet?
No, not since I got here.
She's been in her room this whole time?
It's been like three days.
I just keep trying to think of things
that'll make her feel better, but I can't.
So I feel like a bad mom.
No, you're a good mom.
I'll tell you what a bad mom is.
My mother told me to go in a closet
and not come out until I was pretty.
I was 4.
And then she spent the next five years saying,
"What are you doing out here?"
So you just go and love on that girl
because life will beat you up,
and the only thing to protect you against this cruel world
is a mother's love.
I didn't have that, and it's taken me years
to get this emotionally... strong.
Um, Jackie, I only have so much love to give,
and I kinda need to give it to Harris.
Just say I'm pretty.
Hey, pretty girl.
Stop.
Look, I know what it's like to be depressed.
I haven't always been this bubbly and carefree.
When I was a teenager,
I went through a really, really dark period in my life.
Sorry, Mom. I'm not a 14-year-old girl
sad because Oasis broke up for the third time.
I'm 18, and I just had my entire future wiped out.
Alright, but we got to get you
out of this bed, okay?
Let's get dressed and do something fun.
There's nothing more depressing
than doing "something fun" with your mom.
Watch this.
We are gonna make a prank call.
My God, you're really doing this.
Hello?
Is my mommy there?
Who is this?
My mommy left this number, and she said she'd be there,
and someone's trying to get into the house.
Oh, my God, honey. I'll call the police.
Where do you live?
In Hell!
Okay, that was so weird
and needlessly cruel.
Now, if you think you can do better, go for it.
I got it.
Hello!
This is WUPA 93.8,
Lanford's number-one party station,
and the Wupa Money Car is about to drive by your location!
Just run outside right now and yell,
"I'm a money-loving fool! Wupa!"
and you'll win $500!
Oh, my God! I never won anything!
I'm running out to the car right now!
I'm a money-loving fool!
Wupa! Wupa!
Okay.
I yelled, but nobody gave me any money.
I think I missed it.
No, no, it's the next car. Hurry up!
Okay! Still in the game!
I'm a money-loving fool! Wupa!
I don't have anything to really be nervous about, right?
Right. Just be yourself.
Wait, where's your cross?
Oh. Right.
_
- Hi! I'm Becky! - Becky! We know!
Come in.
Ohh. Oh.
Ohh-ho-ho!
Ohh!
She looks just like Emilio!
But so skinny!
Where's the rest of the baby?
Actually, Beverly Rose is a very healthy baby.
She's in the 50th percentile.
It's so nice to finally meet you, Becky.
I am Emilio's Tía Elsie, and this is my sister, Ruthie.
It's nice to meet you, too.
- And, uh, this is my Aunt Jackie. - Hi.
In science, 50th percentile... it's right in the middle.
No, no, no, no.
Ahh.
This is a healthy baby.
Gordito.
100 percentile.
I remember him
from "Ghostbusters" when he destroyed New York.
Anyway I can't tell you how much I appreciate this.
I've been working double shifts,
and I can't afford daycare right now.
Um, this is a miracle for me.
I've been feeding her every four hours.
Four hours?
Are you trying to get her into a bikini?
But if you want to feed her a little more, that's okay, too.
You obviously did a good job with Emilio.
_
Eh.
_
Mm.
Excuse me. I don't speak Spanish.
Oh, we were just talking about putting
Beverly Rose in Gordito's playpen.
Yeah, don't do that. He might eat her.
Uh, we should go, Becky.
Bye, sweetheart.
Mommy will be back.
Thanks for everything.
I'm sorry.
It's just so hard to leave her.
Beverly Rose is gonna be okay, right?
Absolutely.
They seem to love the baby.
But... ?
They called you a "horny old donkey
who bewitched Emilio with her sex tricks",
and they called me "a welfare lesbian".
What? Really?
Yeah. What do you wanna do?
What can I do?
I don't have any options.
I can't confront them.
I need their help with the baby,
but I can't afford anywhere else.
Okay. You're gonna be okay coming here every day
and having them talk crap about you like that?
Um, you saw how they love the baby.
That's what matters.
If they want to call me an old slut,
then I'll just have to deal with it.
Come on. We gotta go to work.
Why does everybody go to "lesbian"?
Is it the haircut or just general vibe?
Come on, you've seen everything.
You're like a little old lady at Chico's.
Come on! The place just opened, and I want to look around!
Oh, look!
A helmet with a camera.
The family can sit around every year
and watch how I died.
I-I gotta get back to Harris.
What are you worried about? Harris is doing better.
Yeah, she's doing better because I've been there
cheering her up.
She's so down that she's letting me in.
I'm literally keeping her aloft with cheese balls
and motherly love.
Hey, I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.
So screw off, you old fart.
Well, I'll be damned!
Lord Tony!
Hey, good to see ya, Dan! Huh?
Wait. Lord Tony?
That was his nickname when we rode together
back in the day.
Tony, this is my daughter Darlene.
Oh, my God.
This is Darlene?
I'd come over, and you'd peek out from behind a wall
and start barking at me.
Well, yeah, you looked like a crazy person.
I was protecting my family.
So, Dan, you still ridin'?
Not as much as I'd like to.
It's tough in the winter
because I'm on blood thinners and I get cold.
But once it gets up to 80 or 90,
I just throw on a sweater and hit the highway.
You look like you're doing pretty well here.
I am. I just need to hire some help.
You got any free time?
Yeah, I do, but this isn't what I want to do with it.
On the other hand, I do have a granddaughter
that just got off her retail gig.
She could use a job, and I think she'd dig this.
What do you think, Darlene?
Um, I think, uh...
I think I should go home and ask her.
Cool. The sooner she calls, the better.
- Lord Tony? - Yep?
How much for these glasses?
Those aren't really for riding.
You can only see straight ahead.
That's perfect!
I just want to use them to block out my family
while I focus on the TV.
Hey.
Check it out.
Harris isn't lying in bed anymore.
She's lying on the couch.
You know... it's kinda nice having her around again.
Hmm.
Yeah, it is.
Hey, you got a minute?
Uh, yeah, a minute. What's up?
Emilio's aunts.
They love Beverly Rose. They don't like me.
Hmm.
I know my reasons. What are theirs?
They think I'm trapping him with my sex tricks.
You got tricks?
Why aren't we talking about that?
I don't have tricks!
Emilio and I were both drunk. We made a baby.
And now his tías are only blaming me for it.
They called me a "horny old donkey".
You should never have told me that.
I'm trying to make these women like me.
If Emilio was here,
he could stop them from treating me that way.
Yeah, I'm on my own, too.
David lives like five minutes away,
and I'm still dealing with Harris's problems by myself.
How did we both wind up raising kids alone?
I'm an alcoholic, and you married a loser.
Yeah, I was hoping for something
a little more uplifting.
Hey, Harris,
there's something I got to talk to you about.
Sit down. "Crossroads" with Britney Spears is on.
It's about her having sex for the first time.
It's the worst movie ever made. We have to watch it.
Get under the tent with me, like when I was little.
Ohh.
Um, I'm really enjoying this,
but we got to get you back out in the real world.
Can't do it.
Can't leave this island
because we're surrounded by hot lava.
Quick, lift up your feet!
Ooh! That was close!
Hey, thanks for helping me through this.
I love you, Mom.
And?
Oh, I love you, too, honey.
I'm sorry. I was in shock.
Oh, hey, uh, Grandpa mentioned something
you wanted to tell me about... some new bike shop you went to?
Shh. Britney's confusing sex with love.
Hey.
I'm making chocolate-chip pancakes for Harris.
You want one?
They're supposed to be smiley faces,
but the chocolate melted,
so they look like Alice Cooper.
I just got off the phone with Tony.
Harris never showed up. It's been two days.
What the hell is going on with her?
Oh, um... it's not entirely her fault.
I-I didn't tell her.
Why not?
She's not ready to go back to work yet.
Says who?
The whole reason she's depressed
is because she got fired and doesn't have a job.
No, it's deeper than that.
She had to grow up way too fast,
she got kicked in the teeth, and now she needs a break.
Aw, Darlene, she grew up way too fast for you.
You're still trying to hang on to your little girl.
There's nothing wrong with nurturing your kids
once in a while when they're hurting.
I mean, Jackie told me to love on her.
Oh, well, Jackie... the picture of mental health.
She's a person to listen to.
Did you have to tell her she was pretty?
That was a lucky guess.
Honey, honey.
The kid freaked out because she has no way
to support herself.
If you really want to help her,
give her a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Let Harris decide what she's ready for.
Fine.
Oh, but just admit one thing.
You were really happy when Becky and I came home
and you had your little girls back again.
Yes.
I would have hated to miss the developmental changes
that happen between the ages of 43 and 45.
So, listen, uh, I felt a little tension between us.
It made me nerviosa.
So I made you this photo album from when she was born.
Now, keep in mind she's tiny because she was premature,
not because I was starving her.
There's no tension. But thank you.
Ay, la cochina está... está tratando De...
Okay, let's get this out in the open.
I worked in a Mexican restaurant,
so I know that "cochina" means "slut".
And my Aunt Jackie is fluent in Spanish,
so she told me everything you said about me.
The lesbian speaks Spanish!
She's not a lesbian. It's just the haircut.
And I am not a cochina!
I don't know why you're judging me,
but I don't deserve it, and I'm not gonna put up with it.
If you can't treat me with respect,
I can't bring my baby here.
Of course. You're gonna make the baby
disappear from our lives like you made Emilio disappear.
What are you talking about?
Emilio got deported because of you.
I had nothing to do with that. Is that what he told you?
No. He's too nice.
He would never say anything bad about you.
- But we know. - Hmm.
What do you know?
He was taken by ICE.
Yes, because you make him work extra hours
so he could give you money for the baby.
He had two extra jobs,
and one of them was where they got him.
I didn't tell him to take an extra job.
That was his idea.
And I would never do anything to hurt Emilio.
You took the money. You knew he was undocumented.
If you had thought for a minute about his situation,
you would have realized
that you were putting him in danger.
Do you think I like not having Emilio here
to help me with my baby?
Then why don't you help him get back?
How am I supposed to do that?
Go to Mexico and marry him.
At least then he'll have a chance
to come back here in a year or two.
I didn't know that was a possibility.
- Hmm. - You're white.
Anything's a possibility.
He would never pressure you,
but we will.
So, what are you going to do?
Mm-hmm.
Uh... hold on.
I don't know.
This is a lot.
I'm gonna go.
You need to work.
We love the baby.
Leave her here.
You know we'll take good care of her.
Okay.
And just so you know,
we would have never said those hateful things about you
if we thought you understood them.
Hey. In honor of my new job and my 30% discount,
I say we all get a family tattoo.
Yes!
Something that represents who we are.
Something that says "Conner".
Here's a sinking ship.
Doesn't get more Conner than that.
The house on fire seems appropriate.
A mushroom cloud kinda says "us".
Hey, thank you so much for finding me this job.
Yeah, your grandfather thought you needed more time off,
but I knew you needed to get back to work.