1
00:00:00,148 --> 00:00:02,859
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
2
00:00:04,766 --> 00:00:06,934
Look at this deformed little guy.
3
00:00:07,002 --> 00:00:09,604
I'm gonna name him Dexter.
4
00:00:09,671 --> 00:00:12,473
He's kind of built
like a guy I used to date.
5
00:00:12,541 --> 00:00:13,975
Which part of him?
6
00:00:14,042 --> 00:00:15,776
The part you don't want
shaped like this.
7
00:00:17,379 --> 00:00:19,480
Darlene, can I talk to you for a moment?
8
00:00:19,548 --> 00:00:20,881
Uh, excuse me.
9
00:00:20,949 --> 00:00:23,317
As union rep, I'd like
to know what this is about.
10
00:00:23,385 --> 00:00:25,319
When did you become union rep?
11
00:00:25,387 --> 00:00:27,922
When I got them to change the drug test.
12
00:00:27,990 --> 00:00:30,992
It was my reward for
watching everyone pee.
13
00:00:31,059 --> 00:00:32,526
It's none of your business.
14
00:00:32,594 --> 00:00:34,495
Okay, then. Carry on.
15
00:00:35,664 --> 00:00:39,333
So, Darlene, I have some good news.
16
00:00:39,401 --> 00:00:42,403
It's good?
Well, that's news right there.
17
00:00:42,471 --> 00:00:46,107
Your name came up recently with
some of the people upstairs,
18
00:00:46,173 --> 00:00:47,207
if you know what I mean.
19
00:00:47,275 --> 00:00:50,711
Oh, sure, yeah, the upstairs people.
20
00:00:50,779 --> 00:00:53,514
They want to make you a line
supervisor. Congratulations.
21
00:00:53,582 --> 00:00:55,950
Me? How come?
22
00:00:56,018 --> 00:00:57,351
Wait. Nobody else wanted it, right?
23
00:00:57,419 --> 00:00:58,619
No.
24
00:00:58,687 --> 00:01:00,388
The current supervisor is stepping down
25
00:01:00,455 --> 00:01:02,056
to take care of a bleeding ulcer.
26
00:01:02,124 --> 00:01:03,958
But don't worry. It isn't work-related.
27
00:01:04,026 --> 00:01:06,093
Although the drinking problem
probably is.
28
00:01:06,161 --> 00:01:08,362
Wow! God. Thank you.
29
00:01:08,430 --> 00:01:10,765
I-I couldn't have done this
without your mentoring.
30
00:01:10,832 --> 00:01:12,266
Yeah, you're right.
31
00:01:12,334 --> 00:01:14,802
Really is much more my victory
than it is yours, isn't it?
32
00:01:14,870 --> 00:01:16,937
Anyway, just come upstairs
after your shift
33
00:01:17,005 --> 00:01:18,906
and we'll talk about
compensation and benefits.
34
00:01:20,175 --> 00:01:21,075
Wow.
35
00:01:22,444 --> 00:01:24,145
What did she want?
36
00:01:24,212 --> 00:01:25,479
You know how you're always saying
37
00:01:25,547 --> 00:01:27,948
that my lousy people skills
would hold me back?
38
00:01:28,016 --> 00:01:31,652
Well, I'm your boss now, so suck it!
39
00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:34,055
Congratulations!
40
00:01:34,122 --> 00:01:37,491
You may be surprised to hear
this, but I'm a little bummed.
41
00:01:37,559 --> 00:01:39,260
We've been having fun working together.
42
00:01:39,327 --> 00:01:41,228
Oh, well, I'm still
gonna be on the floor.
43
00:01:41,296 --> 00:01:43,264
It's just now I can
make your life miserable
44
00:01:43,331 --> 00:01:45,299
- if you displease me.
- Right!
45
00:01:45,367 --> 00:01:47,101
And as union steward,
46
00:01:47,169 --> 00:01:50,571
one misstep on your part,
and I can shut down the factory.
47
00:01:50,639 --> 00:01:52,740
See? This is gonna be fun for everybody.
48
00:01:54,392 --> 00:01:58,969
3x09
Promotions, Podcasts and Magic Tea
49
00:02:30,649 --> 00:02:33,848
Come to Mama!
50
00:02:33,915 --> 00:02:36,150
Louise, you're killing me here.
51
00:02:36,218 --> 00:02:38,152
Gosh. Where did you learn to play poker?
52
00:02:38,220 --> 00:02:39,820
Ah, when I was doing gigs on the road,
53
00:02:39,888 --> 00:02:42,523
we'd play poker
breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
54
00:02:42,591 --> 00:02:46,193
There were games
that went 72 hours straight.
55
00:02:46,261 --> 00:02:47,995
Well, that's obviously an exaggeration.
56
00:02:48,063 --> 00:02:50,197
How could anybody stay up
for three nights playing poker?
57
00:02:50,265 --> 00:02:53,000
D.J... sniffy, sniffy.
58
00:02:53,068 --> 00:02:54,468
Ohh!
59
00:02:54,536 --> 00:02:57,705
How could you play well
when you're all jacked up on...
60
00:02:57,773 --> 00:03:00,074
...grape soda?
61
00:03:01,376 --> 00:03:03,210
Yeah, I'm not a grape-soda guy.
62
00:03:03,278 --> 00:03:05,513
I don't know how people could afford it.
63
00:03:05,580 --> 00:03:07,748
I'd have lost this house.
64
00:03:07,816 --> 00:03:09,350
Sooner.
65
00:03:09,417 --> 00:03:12,253
I love grape soda. Can I have
some before I go to bed?
66
00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:14,989
Uh, no, honey, grape soda
will keep you up.
67
00:03:15,056 --> 00:03:17,725
Not as much as grape soda.
68
00:03:17,793 --> 00:03:19,093
Come on.
69
00:03:19,161 --> 00:03:21,529
Before I go home, I'll tuck you in.
70
00:03:21,596 --> 00:03:25,432
So, Louise, now that we can
stop saying "grape soda,"
71
00:03:25,500 --> 00:03:28,269
what else did you do in your
crazy rock-and-roller days?
72
00:03:28,336 --> 00:03:29,503
Lots of stuff.
73
00:03:29,571 --> 00:03:31,272
Probably the weirdest one
74
00:03:31,339 --> 00:03:34,542
was we drank "herbal" tea with a Shaman.
75
00:03:34,609 --> 00:03:37,111
Oh. Psychoactive herbs, right?
76
00:03:37,179 --> 00:03:38,679
Yeah, I know some other vets
77
00:03:38,747 --> 00:03:40,247
who use that stuff in their practice.
78
00:03:40,315 --> 00:03:42,683
There was this one study
where they gave it
79
00:03:42,751 --> 00:03:45,920
to this sad, depressed
geriatric chimpanzee.
80
00:03:45,987 --> 00:03:48,189
I mean, she was a real tough case.
81
00:03:48,256 --> 00:03:51,692
I mean, she wasn't mating or
bonding with the other chimps.
82
00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:54,562
She just laid in her cage
and picked at herself.
83
00:03:54,629 --> 00:03:57,665
Oh, man. It's like there's
a camera in my bedroom.
84
00:03:58,867 --> 00:04:00,467
Well, it turned that chimp right around.
85
00:04:00,535 --> 00:04:01,902
- Really?
- Yeah.
86
00:04:01,970 --> 00:04:04,805
Yeah, I think it did help me
work through some stuff
87
00:04:04,873 --> 00:04:07,208
from my past that was holding me back.
88
00:04:07,275 --> 00:04:10,578
I wouldn't recommend it, though.
It's pretty rough on the body.
89
00:04:10,645 --> 00:04:12,413
Well, I don't care
how rough it is on the body.
90
00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:14,215
I'll take it if it gets me
through another day
91
00:04:14,282 --> 00:04:16,550
of shopping
for other people's groceries.
92
00:04:16,618 --> 00:04:18,719
I mean, i-it was fun at first,
93
00:04:18,787 --> 00:04:21,555
but, man, I need a creative outlet.
94
00:04:21,623 --> 00:04:23,157
I'm a storyteller.
95
00:04:23,225 --> 00:04:24,658
Really?
96
00:04:24,726 --> 00:04:27,962
'Cause this story just seems
to be about you whining.
97
00:04:28,029 --> 00:04:31,599
Hey, hey. I am grateful
to have a job, okay?
98
00:04:31,666 --> 00:04:32,933
But it's tough.
99
00:04:33,001 --> 00:04:34,435
Got chewed out today for not picking up
100
00:04:34,502 --> 00:04:36,937
gluten-free ice cream for a kid's party.
101
00:04:37,005 --> 00:04:38,806
I mean, so the kid farts
on his birthday.
102
00:04:38,874 --> 00:04:42,243
He can blow out the candles
any way he wants, right?
103
00:04:42,310 --> 00:04:44,078
- Hey!
- Hey.
104
00:04:44,145 --> 00:04:46,914
Guess who got promoted
to line supervisor today.
105
00:04:46,982 --> 00:04:48,849
- Ohh!
- Oh! Becky!
106
00:04:48,917 --> 00:04:50,317
Yeah, that would make more sense, right?
107
00:04:50,385 --> 00:04:51,452
But no.
108
00:04:51,519 --> 00:04:54,188
It's this charmless bag of sadness.
109
00:04:54,256 --> 00:04:56,156
- Aww.
- Yep.
110
00:04:56,224 --> 00:04:57,691
Get right with your maker, folks.
111
00:04:57,759 --> 00:04:59,293
It's clearly the end of days.
112
00:04:59,361 --> 00:05:02,529
Oh. Hey. Good for you, honey.
113
00:05:02,597 --> 00:05:04,932
About time one of us caught a break.
114
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,700
Hey. We got to celebrate this.
115
00:05:06,768 --> 00:05:08,335
Yeah. This is big.
116
00:05:08,403 --> 00:05:10,371
First Conner to chew her way
through the wall
117
00:05:10,438 --> 00:05:12,139
into the executive suite.
118
00:05:12,207 --> 00:05:15,676
They can patch up the hole,
but it's too late! We're in!
119
00:05:17,279 --> 00:05:19,546
Yay!
120
00:05:19,614 --> 00:05:22,449
To Darlene, moving up in the world!
121
00:05:22,517 --> 00:05:24,318
Yeah!
122
00:05:24,386 --> 00:05:26,854
That's right! Moving up!
123
00:05:26,922 --> 00:05:28,289
Congratulations, Darlene.
124
00:05:28,356 --> 00:05:30,457
Uh, I mean, I got a promotion,
and we didn't do squat,
125
00:05:30,525 --> 00:05:32,893
but this is still great.
126
00:05:32,961 --> 00:05:35,863
I got made union rep, and nobody
gave a crap about that, either.
127
00:05:35,931 --> 00:05:37,031
To Darlene!
128
00:05:37,098 --> 00:05:39,500
To my successful mom...
129
00:05:39,567 --> 00:05:41,735
who's gonna be using her raise
to buy me new boots.
130
00:05:41,803 --> 00:05:43,904
You've never had the chance
to buy my love before,
131
00:05:43,972 --> 00:05:45,372
but now you can.
132
00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:46,874
Yeah. Put your glass down.
133
00:05:46,942 --> 00:05:49,143
I'm gonna use the extra money
from the raise
134
00:05:49,210 --> 00:05:50,678
to try to catch up on bills.
135
00:05:50,745 --> 00:05:55,649
Well, I just want to s-say that, uh...
136
00:05:55,717 --> 00:05:58,252
this is a tremendous accomplishment.
137
00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:00,888
You mean standing up to speak?
138
00:06:00,956 --> 00:06:03,557
I am celebrating Darlene's promotion,
139
00:06:03,625 --> 00:06:06,260
and if you cared about her,
you'd be drinking, too.
140
00:06:06,328 --> 00:06:07,995
I'm an alcoholic.
141
00:06:08,063 --> 00:06:10,965
Well, you should've thought
about that earlier.
142
00:06:12,233 --> 00:06:14,868
And you are something else, you know?
143
00:06:14,936 --> 00:06:17,438
And it's not about
the money or the title.
144
00:06:17,505 --> 00:06:21,542
It's really about you being
rewarded for your hard work
145
00:06:21,609 --> 00:06:23,277
at a time when so many
146
00:06:23,345 --> 00:06:26,613
are feeling utter, bottomless despair.
147
00:06:26,681 --> 00:06:28,415
To despair! Yeah!
148
00:06:28,483 --> 00:06:30,217
I'll drink to that.
149
00:06:31,453 --> 00:06:34,088
- Hey.
- Hey.
150
00:06:34,155 --> 00:06:35,622
You okay?
151
00:06:35,690 --> 00:06:38,292
I am fantastic.
152
00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:40,127
Are you sure you need another drink?
153
00:06:40,195 --> 00:06:43,230
Well, well... yeah.
154
00:06:44,966 --> 00:06:47,301
Uh... listen.
155
00:06:47,369 --> 00:06:49,870
I know you're down
about your job lately,
156
00:06:49,938 --> 00:06:51,305
but, um, things can change.
157
00:06:51,373 --> 00:06:52,906
I mean, they turned around for me,
158
00:06:52,974 --> 00:06:54,441
and they're going to for you, too.
159
00:06:54,509 --> 00:06:56,076
Mm.
160
00:06:56,144 --> 00:07:00,647
That is right, and I know
what could turn it around.
161
00:07:00,715 --> 00:07:02,483
Podcasting.
162
00:07:02,550 --> 00:07:04,585
Paper media is dead.
163
00:07:04,652 --> 00:07:08,389
Radio is the future.
164
00:07:08,456 --> 00:07:10,090
Really? 'Cause I thought
talking pictures
165
00:07:10,158 --> 00:07:11,325
was the next big thing.
166
00:07:11,393 --> 00:07:14,428
No. Podcasts.
167
00:07:14,496 --> 00:07:18,232
And what are the most popular
podcasts about?
168
00:07:18,299 --> 00:07:21,602
Food and true crime.
169
00:07:21,669 --> 00:07:24,505
Okay. Yeah. You know what?
I guess that makes sense.
170
00:07:24,572 --> 00:07:28,409
You love to cook and you used to
have a mugshot magazine.
171
00:07:28,476 --> 00:07:31,345
Whoa! I hadn't even thought of that!
172
00:07:31,413 --> 00:07:33,013
But...
173
00:07:33,081 --> 00:07:35,149
But, hey, tonight is not about me.
174
00:07:35,216 --> 00:07:37,351
It is about you.
175
00:07:37,419 --> 00:07:40,020
And I am just so proud of you.
176
00:07:40,088 --> 00:07:42,856
Yeah, you keep saying that.
177
00:07:42,924 --> 00:07:44,925
How about we get you some coffee?
178
00:07:44,993 --> 00:07:47,828
Mnh. No.
179
00:07:47,896 --> 00:07:50,164
You're the big shot. Huh?
180
00:07:50,231 --> 00:07:53,200
I should be getting coffee for you.
181
00:07:53,268 --> 00:07:55,869
I'm gonna go look for some
in the back of your car,
182
00:07:55,937 --> 00:07:57,304
and if I don't find any,
183
00:07:57,372 --> 00:07:59,315
I'm just gonna wet myself and pass out.
184
00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:08,675
Hey, Dan. We have
the whole house to ourselves.
185
00:08:08,707 --> 00:08:10,967
Darlene and the kids won't
be back for a couple hours.
186
00:08:11,026 --> 00:08:13,460
I'm way ahead of you.
187
00:08:13,529 --> 00:08:15,566
We move out before they get back, right?
188
00:08:15,676 --> 00:08:18,445
H-Hey, Dan! Louise!
189
00:08:18,512 --> 00:08:21,448
Uh, hi, you guys.
You ever knock or call first?
190
00:08:21,515 --> 00:08:23,917
Well, here's the thing.
191
00:08:23,985 --> 00:08:26,913
Neville and I drank the tea.
192
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,121
Okay.
193
00:08:28,189 --> 00:08:30,757
The tea, Dan. The herbal tea.
194
00:08:30,825 --> 00:08:32,325
Oh, God. You did it?
195
00:08:32,393 --> 00:08:34,027
About 45 minutes ago.
196
00:08:34,095 --> 00:08:36,696
Uh, yeah, but you're not supposed
to do that by yourselves.
197
00:08:36,764 --> 00:08:39,499
You're supposed to have a Shaman
to keep watch over you.
198
00:08:39,567 --> 00:08:42,802
Yeah, that's gonna be you guys.
You're the Shamans.
199
00:08:43,671 --> 00:08:47,040
Gee, Jackie, I hope you don't
think I was recommending this.
200
00:08:47,108 --> 00:08:48,308
Well, you're the one that said
201
00:08:48,376 --> 00:08:50,043
it might've helped you
overcome past trauma,
202
00:08:50,111 --> 00:08:52,946
'cause I've tried everything
from therapy
203
00:08:53,014 --> 00:08:55,181
to voodoo to quit sabotaging myself,
204
00:08:55,249 --> 00:08:58,284
and nothing's worked, so I want
to be as happy as that monkey!
205
00:08:58,352 --> 00:09:00,286
Yeah, uh, you know,
206
00:09:00,354 --> 00:09:02,188
you shouldn't have just gone
and drank that tea.
207
00:09:02,256 --> 00:09:04,557
You have no idea how
you're gonna react to it.
208
00:09:04,625 --> 00:09:08,128
No, I can see how I'm reacting to it.
209
00:09:08,195 --> 00:09:09,796
There's a clarity to the universe
210
00:09:09,864 --> 00:09:10,997
that I've never seen before.
211
00:09:11,065 --> 00:09:14,668
I can actually feel the Earth spinning.
212
00:09:14,735 --> 00:09:16,236
I'm gonna throw up.
213
00:09:18,305 --> 00:09:20,306
Where should I throw up?
214
00:09:20,374 --> 00:09:21,708
Are you guys picky about it?
215
00:09:21,776 --> 00:09:23,977
Bathroom's that way, Neville!
216
00:09:26,914 --> 00:09:28,348
Hey, what's all this for?
217
00:09:28,416 --> 00:09:31,384
I am doing a podcast
about the top two things
218
00:09:31,452 --> 00:09:33,253
Americans are most obsessed with.
219
00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,922
Let me guess. Sex and money.
220
00:09:35,990 --> 00:09:37,023
And football.
221
00:09:37,091 --> 00:09:39,926
Uh, and... and pizza and squirrels
222
00:09:39,994 --> 00:09:42,996
who sit on little picnic benches
and eat tiny food.
223
00:09:43,064 --> 00:09:44,898
Sex and squirrels. Final answer.
224
00:09:44,965 --> 00:09:46,166
Wrong.
225
00:09:46,233 --> 00:09:48,435
It's about true crime and food,
226
00:09:48,502 --> 00:09:50,537
which is why I'm calling my podcast
227
00:09:50,604 --> 00:09:53,039
"Whatever Doesn't Kill You
Makes You Hungry."
228
00:09:53,107 --> 00:09:55,241
So what's the first episode about?
229
00:09:55,309 --> 00:09:57,877
Well, I have got a historian coming
230
00:09:57,945 --> 00:10:00,046
from the University of Chicago
who's done some digging
231
00:10:00,114 --> 00:10:02,015
into the Sweeney Todd legend.
232
00:10:02,083 --> 00:10:04,017
Hey! I know that!
233
00:10:04,085 --> 00:10:06,286
Johnny Depp plays a guy
who kills a lot of people,
234
00:10:06,353 --> 00:10:08,421
but they're happy to die
because it's better
235
00:10:08,489 --> 00:10:10,056
than listening to him sing.
236
00:10:10,124 --> 00:10:12,459
Well, it's close.
237
00:10:12,526 --> 00:10:15,729
It's about a barber who turns
his customers into pies.
238
00:10:15,796 --> 00:10:18,465
About the desperation
of lower-class London
239
00:10:18,532 --> 00:10:20,533
and how moral boundaries eroded
240
00:10:20,601 --> 00:10:23,403
to allow the most unthinkable of crimes.
241
00:10:23,471 --> 00:10:25,071
Wow.
242
00:10:25,139 --> 00:10:27,741
I love stories about
people who eat people.
243
00:10:27,808 --> 00:10:30,310
They're the luckiest people
in the world.
244
00:10:30,377 --> 00:10:32,812
Ah! Hey! You're back.
245
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:34,481
Hey. What's going on?
246
00:10:34,548 --> 00:10:36,549
Well, it's all here,
247
00:10:36,617 --> 00:10:38,585
all the stuff I need for my podcast.
248
00:10:38,652 --> 00:10:40,053
Oh, your podcast?
249
00:10:40,121 --> 00:10:41,988
I can't believe you even remember that.
250
00:10:42,056 --> 00:10:43,323
Are you kidding?
First thing this morning.
251
00:10:43,390 --> 00:10:45,391
I found all this equipment
on Craigslist.
252
00:10:45,459 --> 00:10:47,127
400 bucks.
253
00:10:47,194 --> 00:10:48,762
400 bucks?
254
00:10:48,829 --> 00:10:50,997
That's actually a really good deal.
255
00:10:51,065 --> 00:10:53,066
The guy was high as a kite,
so I took advantage of him,
256
00:10:53,134 --> 00:10:55,168
if it was even his stuff.
257
00:10:55,236 --> 00:10:58,171
Uh, hey, Becky, could you give
me and Ben a minute to talk?
258
00:10:58,239 --> 00:10:59,806
Sure. When the cops come,
259
00:10:59,874 --> 00:11:03,543
am I supposed to say I've seen
this equipment or what?
260
00:11:05,212 --> 00:11:08,114
Thank you for being
so supportive last night.
261
00:11:08,182 --> 00:11:10,316
I got to admit, I was
262
00:11:10,384 --> 00:11:13,019
a little rattled at your celebration,
263
00:11:13,087 --> 00:11:14,587
so I had to put on a brave face.
264
00:11:14,655 --> 00:11:15,922
It's all good now.
265
00:11:15,990 --> 00:11:17,924
I've got my thing,
you've got your thing,
266
00:11:17,992 --> 00:11:19,726
and we both got things.
267
00:11:22,429 --> 00:11:23,663
Okay.
268
00:11:23,731 --> 00:11:25,198
Yeah. Alright.
269
00:11:25,266 --> 00:11:27,200
You know, maybe if you've
got something fun to do,
270
00:11:27,268 --> 00:11:30,436
then it'll make going to work
a little easier.
271
00:11:30,504 --> 00:11:32,672
Well, that's the thing.
272
00:11:32,740 --> 00:11:36,509
This is going to be my work now.
273
00:11:36,577 --> 00:11:38,144
I quit Instacart.
274
00:11:38,212 --> 00:11:39,946
Wait. You quit your job?
275
00:11:40,014 --> 00:11:42,182
I know it's radical,
but I am telling you,
276
00:11:42,249 --> 00:11:43,550
this is gonna be great for us.
277
00:11:45,019 --> 00:11:47,387
Oh, if you see Neville,
278
00:11:47,454 --> 00:11:49,155
he's gonna tell you he's a butterfly.
279
00:11:49,223 --> 00:11:50,556
Don't disagree with him.
280
00:11:54,471 --> 00:11:57,094
I don't care what you say, Mom!
281
00:11:57,164 --> 00:12:00,172
Even if the milk is free,
they will buy the cow
282
00:12:00,305 --> 00:12:03,341
- because the milk is that good!
- Aw.
283
00:12:03,609 --> 00:12:05,943
You know, it's probably
hard for you to remember
284
00:12:06,011 --> 00:12:08,446
because you are out of your mind,
285
00:12:08,513 --> 00:12:10,581
but again, I'm not your mom.
286
00:12:10,641 --> 00:12:12,909
Oh. I wish you were my mom.
287
00:12:12,985 --> 00:12:14,885
Would it be okay
if I curled up in your lap?
288
00:12:14,953 --> 00:12:17,221
Oh, not even a little.
289
00:12:17,289 --> 00:12:18,653
Could you pet my head?
290
00:12:20,638 --> 00:12:22,005
I feel safe with you.
291
00:12:22,073 --> 00:12:23,674
I never felt safe with my mom
292
00:12:23,742 --> 00:12:24,775
because she was always telling me
293
00:12:24,843 --> 00:12:27,311
all the things that were wrong with me.
294
00:12:27,378 --> 00:12:30,180
Well, we don't all get great moms.
295
00:12:30,248 --> 00:12:33,650
My mom always said that I would
O.D. on drugs at 27.
296
00:12:33,718 --> 00:12:35,486
Joke's on her.
297
00:12:35,553 --> 00:12:38,222
I turned away from the light
just to stick it to her.
298
00:12:38,289 --> 00:12:40,724
Oh, my God.
299
00:12:40,792 --> 00:12:45,028
You didn't die because you were
supposed to be here now.
300
00:12:45,096 --> 00:12:46,697
Sure.
301
00:12:46,765 --> 00:12:50,100
It's all been building to this.
302
00:12:50,168 --> 00:12:52,236
Look, it's pretty clear
303
00:12:52,303 --> 00:12:54,571
that you've been trying
to find things from men
304
00:12:54,639 --> 00:12:56,340
that you couldn't get from your mother.
305
00:12:56,407 --> 00:12:59,843
Are you saying
that I wanted sex from my mom?
306
00:12:59,911 --> 00:13:02,679
Oh, my God! This is an awakening.
307
00:13:02,747 --> 00:13:05,783
Uh, no, no, no, no, no.
Let's try it this way.
308
00:13:05,850 --> 00:13:09,686
You see, there is a Jackie
inside that was created
309
00:13:09,754 --> 00:13:11,622
by things your mom said.
310
00:13:11,689 --> 00:13:14,258
Now, you know how you just
threw up a minute ago?
311
00:13:14,325 --> 00:13:15,692
Yeah.
312
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:18,629
You just threw up the damaged Jackie,
313
00:13:18,696 --> 00:13:20,631
the not-good-enough Jackie,
314
00:13:20,698 --> 00:13:22,933
the doesn't-deserve-
a-relationship Jackie.
315
00:13:23,001 --> 00:13:24,535
Oh.
316
00:13:24,602 --> 00:13:27,938
It looked like apple pie.
317
00:13:28,006 --> 00:13:31,809
No, it was the Jackie
that's been holding you back.
318
00:13:31,876 --> 00:13:34,044
All she was was words,
319
00:13:34,112 --> 00:13:35,813
and you just threw them up.
320
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:36,914
Oh, my God.
321
00:13:36,981 --> 00:13:39,650
I did. I see it now.
322
00:13:39,717 --> 00:13:41,985
And now you can create a new Jackie,
323
00:13:42,053 --> 00:13:44,488
and she can be anyone you want.
324
00:13:44,556 --> 00:13:49,426
A Jackie that's perfect
and deserves unconditional love?
325
00:13:49,494 --> 00:13:52,663
That's a question. Make it a statement.
326
00:13:52,730 --> 00:13:56,066
I'm a Jackie that's perfect
327
00:13:56,134 --> 00:13:59,903
and deserves unconditional love!
328
00:13:59,971 --> 00:14:03,040
I'm a pony! Yee-whoo!
329
00:14:04,342 --> 00:14:06,677
So, the doctor says, "Hugh, you
got holes the size of quarters
330
00:14:06,744 --> 00:14:08,478
in your lower colon.
331
00:14:08,546 --> 00:14:10,113
You just weren't built
for the high-stakes excitement
332
00:14:10,181 --> 00:14:11,248
of the plastics game."
333
00:14:11,316 --> 00:14:12,649
We love you, Hugh!
334
00:14:14,185 --> 00:14:16,486
The last thing I want to say
is don't trust management.
335
00:14:16,554 --> 00:14:18,922
They're a bunch of snakes. God bless.
336
00:14:21,426 --> 00:14:23,827
I'd like to introduce our newest snake,
337
00:14:23,895 --> 00:14:25,929
our beloved Hugh's replacement...
338
00:14:25,997 --> 00:14:30,100
Darlene "Cobra" Conner!
339
00:14:32,370 --> 00:14:34,805
Alright.
340
00:14:37,609 --> 00:14:40,777
Thank you, thank you.
341
00:14:40,845 --> 00:14:43,614
So, I've only had this job
for three hours,
342
00:14:43,681 --> 00:14:44,715
but I can feel the hatred
343
00:14:44,782 --> 00:14:47,517
shooting through your eyes already.
344
00:14:47,585 --> 00:14:49,486
Uh, we have a new policy...
345
00:14:49,554 --> 00:14:51,722
Hugh would've told you
if he had any guts,
346
00:14:51,789 --> 00:14:54,725
but apparently those are dissolving...
347
00:14:54,792 --> 00:14:57,327
that from now on,
348
00:14:57,395 --> 00:14:59,863
sick leave will be considered
vacation time.
349
00:14:59,931 --> 00:15:01,665
- What?
- So let's have some cake.
350
00:15:03,401 --> 00:15:04,701
Seriously?
351
00:15:04,769 --> 00:15:07,137
You're trying to take away
our vacation time?
352
00:15:07,205 --> 00:15:09,673
You do that,
and I'm organizing a walkout.
353
00:15:09,741 --> 00:15:12,175
Yeah!
354
00:15:12,243 --> 00:15:13,744
Congratulations on your first day.
355
00:15:13,811 --> 00:15:15,312
I think it's going really well.
356
00:15:17,215 --> 00:15:19,549
It's tough replacing someone
everyone loves.
357
00:15:19,617 --> 00:15:22,319
Especially when you're
somebody no one loves.
358
00:15:22,387 --> 00:15:24,388
Not in the mood, Becky.
359
00:15:24,455 --> 00:15:26,723
Ooh, trouble in SisterLand?
360
00:15:26,791 --> 00:15:28,492
SisterLand was shut down in the '80s
361
00:15:28,559 --> 00:15:30,727
after people were hurt on the rides.
362
00:15:30,795 --> 00:15:32,496
It's Ben.
363
00:15:32,563 --> 00:15:34,665
The minute I got this promotion
364
00:15:34,732 --> 00:15:36,767
and we could finally
put a few bucks away,
365
00:15:36,834 --> 00:15:38,902
he quit his job.
366
00:15:38,970 --> 00:15:42,773
He's seeking his fortune as
the podcast king of our kitchen.
367
00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:45,909
The poor guy's been floundering
ever since he lost the magazine.
368
00:15:45,977 --> 00:15:47,911
He's finally found
something he wants to do.
369
00:15:47,979 --> 00:15:49,713
No, it's not just that.
370
00:15:49,781 --> 00:15:51,882
He's being weird about my promotion.
371
00:15:51,950 --> 00:15:53,884
Yeah, some men get a little screwy
372
00:15:53,952 --> 00:15:55,752
when their partners start
making more money than they do.
373
00:15:55,820 --> 00:15:57,554
It's a thing, right?
374
00:15:57,622 --> 00:16:00,123
Husbands one and two
had a big thing about it.
375
00:16:00,191 --> 00:16:01,525
My career started to take off
376
00:16:01,592 --> 00:16:02,793
and they just couldn't handle it.
377
00:16:02,860 --> 00:16:05,595
Maybe calling them "husband one"
and "husband two"
378
00:16:05,663 --> 00:16:08,699
also affected their self-worth.
379
00:16:08,766 --> 00:16:11,001
That's why I call
husband number three "Carl."
380
00:16:12,136 --> 00:16:13,904
I've learned to just be supportive
381
00:16:13,972 --> 00:16:17,407
of whatever mindless,
idiotic stuff they come up with.
382
00:16:18,529 --> 00:16:21,445
Whatever happened to trying to
build a relationship on honesty?
383
00:16:21,512 --> 00:16:24,214
Look, honey, I've had
a 15-year relationship
384
00:16:24,289 --> 00:16:25,889
with a wonderful man,
385
00:16:25,950 --> 00:16:28,819
all built on a foundation
of little white lies
386
00:16:28,886 --> 00:16:32,456
and fantasies of me cheating
on him with Eric in accounting.
387
00:16:32,523 --> 00:16:35,158
So my only option
is to lie to boost Ben's ego
388
00:16:35,226 --> 00:16:37,494
and fantasize
about someone in accounting?
389
00:16:37,562 --> 00:16:39,896
Yes, but not Eric.
390
00:16:39,964 --> 00:16:43,800
It's bad form to have dream sex
with your boss's fake boyfriend.
391
00:16:43,868 --> 00:16:45,836
Thanks, Becky.
392
00:16:45,903 --> 00:16:48,305
Why don't you take
the rest of the afternoon off?
393
00:16:48,373 --> 00:16:51,775
I'm just kidding.
You're hanging by a thread here.
394
00:16:53,544 --> 00:16:55,245
Is that electrolyte stuff helping?
395
00:16:55,313 --> 00:16:58,415
Because you literally took it
out of the mouth of a baby.
396
00:16:58,483 --> 00:17:01,284
Was Beverly Rose tripping yesterday?
397
00:17:01,352 --> 00:17:03,587
I don't think so.
398
00:17:05,423 --> 00:17:09,259
Oh, look who's back,
Mr. Everything is Beautiful.
399
00:17:09,327 --> 00:17:10,927
You know what's not beautiful?
400
00:17:10,995 --> 00:17:13,597
This bath mat that was covered
in your revelations.
401
00:17:13,664 --> 00:17:15,032
Aw.
402
00:17:15,099 --> 00:17:15,999
Sorry about that.
403
00:17:17,335 --> 00:17:18,301
- Hey, Jackie.
- Hey.
404
00:17:18,369 --> 00:17:19,536
How you feeling?
405
00:17:19,604 --> 00:17:21,471
Oh, stronger by the minute.
How about you?
406
00:17:21,539 --> 00:17:23,607
Well, I didn't have a lot to purge,
407
00:17:23,674 --> 00:17:26,009
but I am more accepting
of my longer second toe.
408
00:17:27,512 --> 00:17:28,979
I just wish I could've been
there for you.
409
00:17:29,047 --> 00:17:30,313
Oh, no, that's okay.
410
00:17:30,381 --> 00:17:32,549
Louise was there for me,
and she helped me see
411
00:17:32,617 --> 00:17:36,353
that I really do deserve
something good in my life.
412
00:17:36,421 --> 00:17:39,489
Does that include me?
413
00:17:39,557 --> 00:17:41,992
Yes, Neville, I think
that that could include you.
414
00:17:42,060 --> 00:17:43,693
That's really fantastic!
415
00:17:43,761 --> 00:17:44,795
But I got to warn ya.
416
00:17:44,862 --> 00:17:47,464
I think a lot more of myself now, so...
417
00:17:48,866 --> 00:17:51,201
...I might be a handful.
418
00:17:55,973 --> 00:17:58,875
You can find all the recipes for
the dishes I talked about today
419
00:17:58,943 --> 00:18:00,577
on the website.
420
00:18:00,645 --> 00:18:02,045
Thank you for listening.
421
00:18:02,113 --> 00:18:04,347
And, uh, join us again next week.
422
00:18:04,415 --> 00:18:07,951
And remember, don't kill where ya eat!
423
00:18:09,887 --> 00:18:11,988
Huh? It's good stuff, right?
424
00:18:12,056 --> 00:18:14,024
Yeah. Can I talk to you for a sec?
425
00:18:14,092 --> 00:18:15,926
Sure.
426
00:18:16,994 --> 00:18:18,061
Alright.
427
00:18:18,129 --> 00:18:20,897
So, I was talking to Robin
today at work,
428
00:18:20,965 --> 00:18:24,267
and she was saying how it can be
challenging for a couple
429
00:18:24,335 --> 00:18:27,904
when the woman starts, you know,
achieving career goals
430
00:18:27,972 --> 00:18:29,840
and climbing the ladder,
431
00:18:29,907 --> 00:18:32,843
and the guy is, you know,
doing a podcast.
432
00:18:35,146 --> 00:18:37,714
Okay.
433
00:18:37,782 --> 00:18:41,017
So, she said
434
00:18:41,085 --> 00:18:45,088
that I should be sensitive
to how you feel
435
00:18:45,156 --> 00:18:47,791
and make sure to validate your choices
436
00:18:47,859 --> 00:18:51,061
and... Yeah, I'm not
gonna do any of that.
437
00:18:51,129 --> 00:18:54,698
Because unlike my boss, I cannot afford
438
00:18:54,765 --> 00:18:57,134
for a partner
not to be bringing in money.
439
00:18:57,201 --> 00:18:59,603
I know. I know. And I did the research.
440
00:18:59,670 --> 00:19:02,139
This is gonna pay off for us
in the long run.
441
00:19:02,206 --> 00:19:03,607
But it might not.
442
00:19:03,674 --> 00:19:06,042
I mean, you should've talked
to me before you quit your job,
443
00:19:06,110 --> 00:19:08,245
like at the party
where you were so proud of me
444
00:19:08,312 --> 00:19:10,280
that you got blind drunk.
445
00:19:10,348 --> 00:19:12,415
I am proud of you.
446
00:19:12,483 --> 00:19:14,818
I just haven't been proud of me.
447
00:19:14,886 --> 00:19:19,256
Watching you succeeding
reminded me that I wasn't.
448
00:19:19,323 --> 00:19:20,457
Well, I'm sorry
449
00:19:20,525 --> 00:19:22,993
that the one good thing
that ever happened to me
450
00:19:23,060 --> 00:19:24,628
made you feel bad about yourself.
451
00:19:24,695 --> 00:19:28,598
Well, me, too.
I don't want to be that guy!
452
00:19:28,666 --> 00:19:31,001
Look, I should have celebrated you
453
00:19:31,068 --> 00:19:34,171
and I should've talked to you
before I quit.
454
00:19:34,238 --> 00:19:37,107
Alright, well, can't you do
the podcast and your job?
455
00:19:37,175 --> 00:19:39,109
No, because the more I thought about it,
456
00:19:39,177 --> 00:19:41,144
the more I realized
how much time all of this takes
457
00:19:41,212 --> 00:19:43,079
with the writing and the promoting,
458
00:19:43,147 --> 00:19:44,614
getting advertisements.
459
00:19:44,682 --> 00:19:47,350
Okay, well, isn't there
something that takes less time?
460
00:19:49,987 --> 00:19:52,289
I need this, okay?
461
00:19:52,356 --> 00:19:55,458
I lost faith in myself
when the magazine went under,
462
00:19:55,526 --> 00:19:58,828
and I really think that this can work.
463
00:19:58,896 --> 00:20:03,400
And I need something to make me
feel good about myself again.
464
00:20:04,669 --> 00:20:06,236
I know you do.
465
00:20:08,272 --> 00:20:10,140
Alright.
466
00:20:10,208 --> 00:20:13,343
But I warn you... I am gonna
come home five days a week
467
00:20:13,411 --> 00:20:16,046
tired and grumpy and resentful.
468
00:20:16,113 --> 00:20:17,380
Okay.
469
00:20:17,448 --> 00:20:19,316
Well, that's two less days
than I'm getting now,
470
00:20:19,383 --> 00:20:21,117
so it's a deal.
471
00:20:24,222 --> 00:20:26,389
This is the part
where you carry me up the stairs
472
00:20:26,457 --> 00:20:28,158
into the bedroom.
473
00:20:28,226 --> 00:20:30,060
If you crush me, we won't have my salary
474
00:20:30,127 --> 00:20:32,629
to fund your ridiculous podcast.
475
00:20:32,697 --> 00:20:34,030
That's it.
476
00:20:34,098 --> 00:20:35,966
No more sex for you.
477
00:20:36,033 --> 00:20:38,546
That's fine. I can afford
to get it elsewhere.
478
00:20:41,909 --> 00:20:43,109
What are you guys doing?
479
00:20:43,179 --> 00:20:46,093
Well, while I was drinking
some herbal tea, it hit me.
480
00:20:46,180 --> 00:20:47,218
I should be on "Jeopardy!"
481
00:20:47,266 --> 00:20:48,870
Cool. I want to be on "Jeopardy!"
482
00:20:48,933 --> 00:20:50,634
Alright. I'll test both of you.
483
00:20:51,702 --> 00:20:55,338
"This long-running TV Western
starred James Arness."
484
00:20:55,406 --> 00:20:56,406
"Gunsmoke."
485
00:20:56,474 --> 00:20:57,507
What is "Gunsmoke"?
486
00:20:57,575 --> 00:21:00,577
That's right. One point for Harris.
487
00:21:00,645 --> 00:21:02,078
Next question.
488
00:21:02,146 --> 00:21:04,915
"This entertainer sang the
biggest-selling Christmas song
489
00:21:04,982 --> 00:21:07,250
of all time, 'White Christmas.'"
490
00:21:07,318 --> 00:21:08,618
- Justin Bieber.
- Bing Crosby.
491
00:21:08,686 --> 00:21:10,053
Who is Bing Crosby?
492
00:21:10,121 --> 00:21:11,121
Correct again.
493
00:21:11,189 --> 00:21:13,223
Wha... Damn it.
494
00:21:13,291 --> 00:21:16,293
"This cartoon
was said to be loosely based
495
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,795
on two characters
from 'Back to the Future.'"
496
00:21:18,863 --> 00:21:20,397
Oh, yeah, I bet
that's, uh, "Rick and Morty."
497
00:21:20,464 --> 00:21:21,562
Who the hell are Rick and Morty?
498
00:21:21,587 --> 00:21:22,966
I'll give you that one,
but watch the swearing.
499
00:21:23,041 --> 00:21:24,708
Yeah!