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Look at this deformed little guy.
I'm gonna name him Dexter.
He's kind of built like a guy I used to date.
Which part of him?
The part you don't want shaped like this.
Darlene, can I talk to you for a moment?
Uh, excuse me.
As union rep, I'd like to know what this is about.
When did you become union rep?
When I got them to change the drug test.
It was my reward for watching everyone pee.
It's none of your business.
Okay, then. Carry on.
So, Darlene, I have some good news.
It's good? Well, that's news right there.
Your name came up recently with some of the people upstairs,
if you know what I mean.
Oh, sure, yeah, the upstairs people.
They want to make you a line supervisor. Congratulations.
Me? How come?
Wait. Nobody else wanted it, right?
No.
The current supervisor is stepping down
to take care of a bleeding ulcer.
But don't worry. It isn't work-related.
Although the drinking problem probably is.
Wow! God. Thank you.
I-I couldn't have done this without your mentoring.
Yeah, you're right.
Really is much more my victory than it is yours, isn't it?
Anyway, just come upstairs after your shift
and we'll talk about compensation and benefits.
Wow.
What did she want?
You know how you're always saying
that my lousy people skills would hold me back?
Well, I'm your boss now, so suck it!
Congratulations!
You may be surprised to hear this, but I'm a little bummed.
We've been having fun working together.
Oh, well, I'm still gonna be on the floor.
It's just now I can make your life miserable
- if you displease me. - Right!
And as union steward,
one misstep on your part, and I can shut down the factory.
See? This is gonna be fun for everybody.
3x09 Promotions, Podcasts and Magic Tea
Come to Mama!
Louise, you're killing me here.
Gosh. Where did you learn to play poker?
Ah, when I was doing gigs on the road,
we'd play poker breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
There were games that went 72 hours straight.
Well, that's obviously an exaggeration.
How could anybody stay up for three nights playing poker?
D.J... sniffy, sniffy.
Ohh!
How could you play well when you're all jacked up on...
...grape soda?
Yeah, I'm not a grape-soda guy.
I don't know how people could afford it.
I'd have lost this house.
Sooner.
I love grape soda. Can I have some before I go to bed?
Uh, no, honey, grape soda will keep you up.
Not as much as grape soda.
Come on.
Before I go home, I'll tuck you in.
So, Louise, now that we can stop saying "grape soda,"
what else did you do in your crazy rock-and-roller days?
Lots of stuff.
Probably the weirdest one
was we drank "herbal" tea with a Shaman.
Oh. Psychoactive herbs, right?
Yeah, I know some other vets
who use that stuff in their practice.
There was this one study where they gave it
to this sad, depressed geriatric chimpanzee.
I mean, she was a real tough case.
I mean, she wasn't mating or bonding with the other chimps.
She just laid in her cage and picked at herself.
Oh, man. It's like there's a camera in my bedroom.
Well, it turned that chimp right around.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah, I think it did help me work through some stuff
from my past that was holding me back.
I wouldn't recommend it, though. It's pretty rough on the body.
Well, I don't care how rough it is on the body.
I'll take it if it gets me through another day
of shopping for other people's groceries.
I mean, i-it was fun at first,
but, man, I need a creative outlet.
I'm a storyteller.
Really?
'Cause this story just seems to be about you whining.
Hey, hey. I am grateful to have a job, okay?
But it's tough.
Got chewed out today for not picking up
gluten-free ice cream for a kid's party.
I mean, so the kid farts on his birthday.
He can blow out the candles any way he wants, right?
- Hey! - Hey.
Guess who got promoted to line supervisor today.
- Ohh! - Oh! Becky!
Yeah, that would make more sense, right?
But no.
It's this charmless bag of sadness.
- Aww. - Yep.
Get right with your maker, folks.
It's clearly the end of days.
Oh. Hey. Good for you, honey.
About time one of us caught a break.
Hey. We got to celebrate this.
Yeah. This is big.
First Conner to chew her way through the wall
into the executive suite.
They can patch up the hole, but it's too late! We're in!
Yay!
To Darlene, moving up in the world!
Yeah!
That's right! Moving up!
Congratulations, Darlene.
Uh, I mean, I got a promotion, and we didn't do squat,
but this is still great.
I got made union rep, and nobody gave a crap about that, either.
To Darlene!
To my successful mom...
who's gonna be using her raise to buy me new boots.
You've never had the chance to buy my love before,
but now you can.
Yeah. Put your glass down.
I'm gonna use the extra money from the raise
to try to catch up on bills.
Well, I just want to s-say that, uh...
this is a tremendous accomplishment.
You mean standing up to speak?
I am celebrating Darlene's promotion,
and if you cared about her, you'd be drinking, too.
I'm an alcoholic.
Well, you should've thought about that earlier.
And you are something else, you know?
And it's not about the money or the title.
It's really about you being rewarded for your hard work
at a time when so many
are feeling utter, bottomless despair.
To despair! Yeah!
I'll drink to that.
- Hey. - Hey.
You okay?
I am fantastic.
Are you sure you need another drink?
Well, well... yeah.
Uh... listen.
I know you're down about your job lately,
but, um, things can change.
I mean, they turned around for me,
and they're going to for you, too.
Mm.
That is right, and I know what could turn it around.
Podcasting.
Paper media is dead.
Radio is the future.
Really? 'Cause I thought talking pictures
was the next big thing.
No. Podcasts.
And what are the most popular podcasts about?
Food and true crime.
Okay. Yeah. You know what? I guess that makes sense.
You love to cook and you used to have a mugshot magazine.
Whoa! I hadn't even thought of that!
But...
But, hey, tonight is not about me.
It is about you.
And I am just so proud of you.
Yeah, you keep saying that.
How about we get you some coffee?
Mnh. No.
You're the big shot. Huh?
I should be getting coffee for you.
I'm gonna go look for some in the back of your car,
and if I don't find any,
I'm just gonna wet myself and pass out.
Hey, Dan. We have the whole house to ourselves.
Darlene and the kids won't be back for a couple hours.
I'm way ahead of you.
We move out before they get back, right?
H-Hey, Dan! Louise!
Uh, hi, you guys. You ever knock or call first?
Well, here's the thing.
Neville and I drank the tea.
Okay.
The tea, Dan. The herbal tea.
Oh, God. You did it?
About 45 minutes ago.
Uh, yeah, but you're not supposed to do that by yourselves.
You're supposed to have a Shaman to keep watch over you.
Yeah, that's gonna be you guys. You're the Shamans.
Gee, Jackie, I hope you don't think I was recommending this.
Well, you're the one that said
it might've helped you overcome past trauma,
'cause I've tried everything from therapy
to voodoo to quit sabotaging myself,
and nothing's worked, so I want to be as happy as that monkey!
Yeah, uh, you know,
you shouldn't have just gone and drank that tea.
You have no idea how you're gonna react to it.
No, I can see how I'm reacting to it.
There's a clarity to the universe
that I've never seen before.
I can actually feel the Earth spinning.
I'm gonna throw up.
Where should I throw up?
Are you guys picky about it?
Bathroom's that way, Neville!
Hey, what's all this for?
I am doing a podcast about the top two things
Americans are most obsessed with.
Let me guess. Sex and money.
And football.
Uh, and... and pizza and squirrels
who sit on little picnic benches and eat tiny food.
Sex and squirrels. Final answer.
Wrong.
It's about true crime and food,
which is why I'm calling my podcast
"Whatever Doesn't Kill You Makes You Hungry."
So what's the first episode about?
Well, I have got a historian coming
from the University of Chicago who's done some digging
into the Sweeney Todd legend.
Hey! I know that!
Johnny Depp plays a guy who kills a lot of people,
but they're happy to die because it's better
than listening to him sing.
Well, it's close.
It's about a barber who turns his customers into pies.
About the desperation of lower-class London
and how moral boundaries eroded
to allow the most unthinkable of crimes.
Wow.
I love stories about people who eat people.
They're the luckiest people in the world.
Ah! Hey! You're back.
Hey. What's going on?
Well, it's all here,
all the stuff I need for my podcast.
Oh, your podcast?
I can't believe you even remember that.
Are you kidding? First thing this morning.
I found all this equipment on Craigslist.
400 bucks.
400 bucks?
That's actually a really good deal.
The guy was high as a kite, so I took advantage of him,
if it was even his stuff.
Uh, hey, Becky, could you give me and Ben a minute to talk?
Sure. When the cops come,
am I supposed to say I've seen this equipment or what?
Thank you for being so supportive last night.
I got to admit, I was
a little rattled at your celebration,
so I had to put on a brave face.
It's all good now.
I've got my thing, you've got your thing,
and we both got things.
Okay.
Yeah. Alright.
You know, maybe if you've got something fun to do,
then it'll make going to work a little easier.
Well, that's the thing.
This is going to be my work now.
I quit Instacart.
Wait. You quit your job?
I know it's radical, but I am telling you,
this is gonna be great for us.
Oh, if you see Neville,
he's gonna tell you he's a butterfly.
Don't disagree with him.
I don't care what you say, Mom!
Even if the milk is free, they will buy the cow
- because the milk is that good! - Aw.
You know, it's probably hard for you to remember
because you are out of your mind,
but again, I'm not your mom.
Oh. I wish you were my mom.
Would it be okay if I curled up in your lap?
Oh, not even a little.
Could you pet my head?
I feel safe with you.
I never felt safe with my mom
because she was always telling me
all the things that were wrong with me.
Well, we don't all get great moms.
My mom always said that I would O.D. on drugs at 27.
Joke's on her.
I turned away from the light just to stick it to her.
Oh, my God.
You didn't die because you were supposed to be here now.
Sure.
It's all been building to this.
Look, it's pretty clear
that you've been trying to find things from men
that you couldn't get from your mother.
Are you saying that I wanted sex from my mom?
Oh, my God! This is an awakening.
Uh, no, no, no, no, no. Let's try it this way.
You see, there is a Jackie inside that was created
by things your mom said.
Now, you know how you just threw up a minute ago?
Yeah.
You just threw up the damaged Jackie,
the not-good-enough Jackie,
the doesn't-deserve- a-relationship Jackie.
Oh.
It looked like apple pie.
No, it was the Jackie that's been holding you back.
All she was was words,
and you just threw them up.
Oh, my God.
I did. I see it now.
And now you can create a new Jackie,
and she can be anyone you want.
A Jackie that's perfect and deserves unconditional love?
That's a question. Make it a statement.
I'm a Jackie that's perfect
and deserves unconditional love!
I'm a pony! Yee-whoo!
So, the doctor says, "Hugh, you got holes the size of quarters
in your lower colon.
You just weren't built for the high-stakes excitement
of the plastics game."
We love you, Hugh!
The last thing I want to say is don't trust management.
They're a bunch of snakes. God bless.
I'd like to introduce our newest snake,
our beloved Hugh's replacement...
Darlene "Cobra" Conner!
Alright.
Thank you, thank you.
So, I've only had this job for three hours,
but I can feel the hatred
shooting through your eyes already.
Uh, we have a new policy...
Hugh would've told you if he had any guts,
but apparently those are dissolving...
that from now on,
sick leave will be considered vacation time.
- What? - So let's have some cake.
Seriously?
You're trying to take away our vacation time?
You do that, and I'm organizing a walkout.
Yeah!
Congratulations on your first day.
I think it's going really well.
It's tough replacing someone everyone loves.
Especially when you're somebody no one loves.
Not in the mood, Becky.
Ooh, trouble in SisterLand?
SisterLand was shut down in the '80s
after people were hurt on the rides.
It's Ben.
The minute I got this promotion
and we could finally put a few bucks away,
he quit his job.
He's seeking his fortune as the podcast king of our kitchen.
The poor guy's been floundering ever since he lost the magazine.
He's finally found something he wants to do.
No, it's not just that.
He's being weird about my promotion.
Yeah, some men get a little screwy
when their partners start making more money than they do.
It's a thing, right?
Husbands one and two had a big thing about it.
My career started to take off
and they just couldn't handle it.
Maybe calling them "husband one" and "husband two"
also affected their self-worth.
That's why I call husband number three "Carl."
I've learned to just be supportive
of whatever mindless, idiotic stuff they come up with.
Whatever happened to trying to build a relationship on honesty?
Look, honey, I've had a 15-year relationship
with a wonderful man,
all built on a foundation of little white lies
and fantasies of me cheating on him with Eric in accounting.
So my only option is to lie to boost Ben's ego
and fantasize about someone in accounting?
Yes, but not Eric.
It's bad form to have dream sex with your boss's fake boyfriend.
Thanks, Becky.
Why don't you take the rest of the afternoon off?
I'm just kidding. You're hanging by a thread here.
Is that electrolyte stuff helping?
Because you literally took it out of the mouth of a baby.
Was Beverly Rose tripping yesterday?
I don't think so.
Oh, look who's back, Mr. Everything is Beautiful.
You know what's not beautiful?
This bath mat that was covered in your revelations.
Aw.
Sorry about that.
- Hey, Jackie. - Hey.
How you feeling?
Oh, stronger by the minute. How about you?
Well, I didn't have a lot to purge,
but I am more accepting of my longer second toe.
I just wish I could've been there for you.
Oh, no, that's okay.
Louise was there for me, and she helped me see
that I really do deserve something good in my life.
Does that include me?
Yes, Neville, I think that that could include you.
That's really fantastic!
But I got to warn ya.
I think a lot more of myself now, so...
...I might be a handful.
You can find all the recipes for the dishes I talked about today
on the website.
Thank you for listening.
And, uh, join us again next week.
And remember, don't kill where ya eat!
Huh? It's good stuff, right?
Yeah. Can I talk to you for a sec?
Sure.
Alright.
So, I was talking to Robin today at work,
and she was saying how it can be challenging for a couple
when the woman starts, you know, achieving career goals
and climbing the ladder,
and the guy is, you know, doing a podcast.
Okay.
So, she said
that I should be sensitive to how you feel
and make sure to validate your choices
and... Yeah, I'm not gonna do any of that.
Because unlike my boss, I cannot afford
for a partner not to be bringing in money.
I know. I know. And I did the research.
This is gonna pay off for us in the long run.
But it might not.
I mean, you should've talked to me before you quit your job,
like at the party where you were so proud of me
that you got blind drunk.
I am proud of you.
I just haven't been proud of me.
Watching you succeeding reminded me that I wasn't.
Well, I'm sorry
that the one good thing that ever happened to me
made you feel bad about yourself.
Well, me, too. I don't want to be that guy!
Look, I should have celebrated you
and I should've talked to you before I quit.
Alright, well, can't you do the podcast and your job?
No, because the more I thought about it,
the more I realized how much time all of this takes
with the writing and the promoting,
getting advertisements.
Okay, well, isn't there something that takes less time?
I need this, okay?
I lost faith in myself when the magazine went under,
and I really think that this can work.
And I need something to make me feel good about myself again.
I know you do.
Alright.
But I warn you... I am gonna come home five days a week
tired and grumpy and resentful.
Okay.
Well, that's two less days than I'm getting now,
so it's a deal.
This is the part where you carry me up the stairs
into the bedroom.
If you crush me, we won't have my salary
to fund your ridiculous podcast.
That's it.
No more sex for you.
That's fine. I can afford to get it elsewhere.
What are you guys doing?
Well, while I was drinking some herbal tea, it hit me.
I should be on "Jeopardy!"
Cool. I want to be on "Jeopardy!"
Alright. I'll test both of you.
"This long-running TV Western starred James Arness."
"Gunsmoke."
What is "Gunsmoke"?
That's right. One point for Harris.
Next question.
"This entertainer sang the biggest-selling Christmas song
of all time, 'White Christmas.'"
- Justin Bieber. - Bing Crosby.
Who is Bing Crosby?
Correct again.
Wha... Damn it.
"This cartoon was said to be loosely based
on two characters from 'Back to the Future.'"
Oh, yeah, I bet that's, uh, "Rick and Morty."
Who the hell are Rick and Morty?
I'll give you that one, but watch the swearing.
Yeah!