Man: ...the worldwide blow-molded plastics market is expanding
at a rate we haven't seen since the '60s.
Our projection... What's up with all the crypt keepers?
Robin's gonna present some of my ideas
to the Wellman Board of Directors,
and she said I could watch.
It's nice the old white guys
still have a place to hang out and Patriarch.
Hey, Robin's talking.
I am very happy to report
that production at the Lanford plant is up 20%.
Our team has come up with some very exciting ideas.
I am all about giving credit where credit is due,
so, Darlene Conner,
why don't you hop on and tell the board yourself?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's what you get for having ideas, Bride of Frankensuck.
Um, this is quite unexpected.
Thank you so very much, Robin.
Um, just give me a couple minutes to gather my notes,
and I'll be right back.
Oh, my God, I'm literally wearing sweats.
Relax.
They'll be too distracted
by the crushing poverty around you
to notice you're a slob.
We've got two minutes.
I've got to change, and we got to build a new house.
Emergency, everybody!
We have to find someplace in the house
that makes me look less poor.
Mark decorated his room so it almost looks middle class.
The fireplace. Rich people have those.
Oh, and books on the mantelpiece will make you look smart.
Hey, I need those. I'm studying.
Marry rich. It's less work.
♪ Here's a little song I wrote♪
I can't believe Dad nailed this singing fish to the wall.
[ Grunts ]
How do you get this thing to shut off?
It's motion activated. Just stop punching it.
That's a nice sweater.
Hey, what the hell?!
Your mom is pretending to have ideas.
She needs a costume.
Now, everybody, get out.
[ Both grunt ]
Too low.
Okay, you're gonna crush this.
And in three, two...
Hello, everyone.
I've never addressed a board before.
You caught me a little off guard.
Uh, I'm just at our lake house.
But I haven't forgotten my roots.
And my time on the line gave me insight
into how to make workers more productive.
I, um, asked my people what they thought
we could do better to motivate them.
Um, and they said small things,
like a gift card for coffee
or a...
like, a pinball machine in the break room.
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Whispering ] Are you okay?
My last thing that I'm gonna impart on you
is show the line workers that you care.
♪ Here's a little song I wrote♪
And -- And like my fish says,
tell your employees not to worry and be happy.
I-I got to go. Back to you, Robin.
Darlene, what's going on?
I don't know. I don't know.
I can't breathe.
And my heart's pounding like it's coming out of my chest.
I feel dizzy.
I think I'm having a heart attack.
I'm calling 911.
No, no, no, don't. We can't afford an ambulance.
You're gonna have to drive me to the hospital.
My license expired, and I haven't renewed it.
Can you drive?
Oh, oh, right, right, you're dying.
I'll drive.
♪
--Captions by VITAC--
We've been watching this same show for five minutes,
and the story's not going anywhere.
I think it's an infomercial.
Really?
You thought Chuck Norris working out was a show?
Hey, I don't need the attitude.
I'm as strong as that guy. [ Laughs ]
I could whip you.
No way. I was a cop.
What, did you carry the criminals to jail?
You want to go?
Let's go.
I hope you didn't need that arm, 'cause I'm taking it.
Ready? [ Grunting ] Go.
[ Grunts ]
[ Sighs ]
I know I should be surprised, but I'm not.
You guys know where Darlene is?
[ Grunting ] No. Damn it.
Got to find her. I need to talk to her.
I have a big problem.
Help Ben with his problem on three?
Okay.
One, two...
[ Both grunt ]
So what's the problem?
Oh, I just told my mom I'd run my dad's hardware store.
I don't know how to run a hardware store.
I've never even worked retail.
There's got to be somebody who can help you.
Well, my only shot is this guy, Mac,
who retired from the store not too long ago.
Oh, oh, yeah, Mac.
He used to help me and my dad
when we went to your dad's store.
Oh, yeah? Great guy.
But I think he's still dead.
Oh, I'm screwed.
[ Smacks counter, slams drawer ]
What the hell?
So...how was your day? [ Sighs ]
I got fired off a job.
What?
Contractor called me a liability.
Oh, my God, what happened?
Nothing.
Some jackass in a forklift
wasn't paying attention and almost backed over me.
Aren't they supposed to beep when you back up?
Oh, yeah, has to be on all heavy machinery.
I had one on my big rig back in the day.
I used to say, "If you hear me a-beepin',
you better be a-leapin'.
[ Laughs ]
I didn't hear it 'cause it's a damn construction site.
They got circular saws, hammer drills.
Dan, I told you, you need to get your hearing checked.
I didn't hear you say that.
And so what if they find out my hearing's shot?
Hearing aids are like 5 grand.
Oh, you need a hearing aid?
Ben is asking if you need a hearing aid!
No, I need a lock on the door you don't have a key to!
Well, there's kind of a weird synchronicity going on here.
Dan, you're gonna be out of work for a couple weeks,
and Ben needs help at the hardware store.
Oh, I really do.
Well, no offense, Ben, but I'm a subcontractor.
I've got my own business.
I'm not gonna throw on an apron
and help old ladies pick out batteries.
Hey, what if it was just for a couple weeks
till I find someone permanent?
Come on, Dan.
You're just gonna sit around the house, drink beer,
and fall asleep in your underwear.
Well, that was the plan, yeah.
Well, I guess I could help out.
We're back. Don't worry.
What were we supposed to be worried about?
About me having a heart attack.
What?
It wasn't a heart attack. She just had a panic attack.
Just a panic attack? I thought I was gonna die.
But you didn't.
That's so scary.
Why would you have a panic attack?
I don't know, probably because Robin,
without any prep,
made me pitch my ideas to the entire Board of Directors,
and your stupid fish went off in the middle of it.
[ Laughs ]
Man, that thing just won't quit.
W-What if the big wigs noticed and they think
that I can't handle the pressure of being in management
and then it ruins any chance I have of making more money
or having a better future for my kids?
Darlene, this family --
and I think I can speak for everybody --
never thought for a moment you had a chance.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, thanks, you guys.
I was getting too down.
You always remind me to keep a sense of humor about myself.
Honey, I'm pretty sure they were serious.
You feeling any better this morning?
Oh, yeah, much.
And Robin said the Board of Directors
did not even notice my little freak out.
But she did feel badly about throwing me in the deep water,
so she gave me a gift certificate for a massage.
Hey, if you'd started foaming at the mouth,
I bet you could've gotten a suite at the Sheraton.
Here, I made you lunch for your first day.
Aww. I am so proud of you.
I know it was hard for you to put the podcast on hold
to take over the store,
but you got my dad there to help you get started,
and you can do anything you put your mind to.
Well, come on, young Dan.
Today is your first day in the magical world
of washers and screws.
I hear there's plungers as far as the eye can see
and the streets are paved with duct tape.
Hey.
What you looking at?
Uh, my boss gave me a gift certificate to this spa.
Mm.
Yeah, they put rocks on this woman.
Must be a hell of a wind in there
if they need to do that to keep her down.
Oh, wow.
That's a super fancy place.
It says you got to pick between Reiki and Shiatsu.
So, that -- that must be those two masseuses right there.
Uh, no, no, it says those are two types of massages.
These women must be customers.
I guess they're there to relax
from the stress of being absolutely perfect.
You better take pictures
'cause none of us has ever been to a place like that before.
[ Chuckling ] I know. It's crazy.
Oh, my God, look.
They bring you champagne and strawberries.
Ugh, is it hot in here?
My chest hurts.
Well, just breathe deeply.
Is it a dull pain or a sharp pain?
I don't know. Why? I don't know.
I just heard people say that on TV before.
Is -- Is this like what happened before?
Yes.
Do you want to call the shrink
that they gave you a reference for at the E.R.? I don't know.
Don't ask me questions. I can't think.
Why can't you think? Don't ask me questions.
Why are you getting upset with me?
That's another question.
I'm sorry.
Uh, what do you want me to do?
Stop asking questions.
Get in your car and start it.
Got it. And then what?
Go someplace else and let me die in peace.
Here you go. Have a great barbecue.
And make sure that propane hose is tightened all the way
or you're gonna kill your family
and probably your neighbors, too.
Have a great day.
You know, I-I really didn't think
I'd like standing around talking to people all day... [ Bell jingles ]
...but it's kind of fun when you know everything
and they're clueless idiots.
Maybe I am a people person.
[ Laughs ]
Yeah, I'm kind of surprised at how much I know.
I guess just by osmosis and being around my dad
and hearing about hardware all the time.
You're the guy without the beard.
Oh, yeah. Uh, six feet back, please.
I'm sorry.
I'm supposed to ask you a question
about a paint problem I'm having at my house.
Uh, hi. I'm the owner.
Uh, who suggested that you talk to the man without the beard?
Just another customer.
He said be sure to talk to the man without the beard.
[ Laughs ]
Well, I know quite a bit about paint.
Uh, you cool? Knock yourself out.
Alright. How can I help?
Okay. I bought some paint,
and it's buckling on the wall next to my water heater. Mm.
Was I supposed to use a special paint?
[ Chuckles ]
Yes.
Uh, did you bring a little chip so we can match the color?
What you need there is a waterproof latex.
Or it might not be the paint at all.
No?
You cool? After you.
Yeah, it ain't the paint.
You have a pinhole leak in your pipe.
You need to open the wall, wrap the pipe,
patch the wall, and then you paint.
Mm. May I?
Indubitably.
Or you just put enough coats
of that waterproof paint on there,
and it pushes that bubble down.
My turn?
Yes, sir.
He's wrong.
You got water leaking into the wall.
It's gonna bubble the paint every time,
plus you're gonna have mold and wood rot.
Well, that makes a lot more sense than the paint.
Ben, while I'm getting the rest of her stuff,
why don't you go over there
and help her pick out a pretty paint color?
[ Bell jingles ]
You sure he knows what he's doing?
Uh, I learned colors in grade school.
I think we'll be okay.
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, Dan.
Look at you in your vest.
Don't push it, Dwight.
What do you need?
Guess I'm not in the place with the friendly hardware folk.
Just some painters' tape. Thank you.
Actually, I came by to tell you
I thought it was B.S. they tossed you off the site.
But I do get their side.
The way you stood there when the forklift kept coming
was like that guy in China standing in front of the tank,
if he was eating a Slim Jim and looking the other way.
Hey, Dwight. Ben.
Hey, Dan, we just had a big shipment dropped off out back.
I'm still dealing with the paint.
You grab a dolly and bring it in for me, will you?
Yeah, as soon as I'm done with Dwight.
I'm sure your little buddy can wait.
I can't have that stuff sitting in the alley.
I need you to do it now.
I'm gonna get going.
Don't be too hard on him.
At his age, he's probably sleeping while you're talking.
[ Laughs ]
What the hell was that?
What?
I asked you to work.
I can't afford to have your buddies coming by to chat you up
while there's stuff that needs to be done.
He was a customer.
Hey, I'm not some high school kid
hanging out with my friends.
I'm here saving you because your lucky ass
got handed a business you know nothing about.
Whoa. Hey, you got some issues working for me?
I can fix that for you.
You don't have to.
I'm taking sick leave.
'Cause I'm sick of your face.
I'm out.
Well, fine.
If I see you again, it's gonna be too soon.
And by that, I mean tonight at dinner!
And the second attack came
when I was checking out this fancy spa,
and it just really freaked me out.
My ex-wife loved spas.
Spent, uh, $120 on a seaweed wrap once.
Last I looked,
you can go to the ocean and get seaweed for free.
Is that why she's your ex-wife?
Uh, no, no.
Marriage dynamics are more complicated than that.
Didn't help, though.
So, um, why do you feel that something relaxing
like a massage triggered this reaction?
Maybe because the people in a spa like that are beautiful
and confident and they belong there.
Okay, "They belong there."
Let-- Let's explore that.
Well, it was the same feeling I got in the video conference.
Like suddenly they were gonna look at me
and say, "What are you doing here?"
And then all of a sudden I felt dizzy and I couldn't breathe.
Well, do you feel like you're not worthy
to be in a big meeting or a fancy spa?
I don't know.
I mean, I'd love to get a massage,
and I'm happy I'm in management.
I love doing well.
I-I just bought some underwear.
Only one in the package.
They thought enough of you to promote you,
so maybe you deserve more money and a fancy massage.
Or to treat yourself
to a $200 facial or Jimmy Choo sandals.
Those last two were not you.
Um...
Sorry.
But, uh, do I deserve it?
I mean, I'm dressing like I do,
I'm acting like I do,
but what if they realize they made a mistake?
Do you think they did?
Well, how would I know?
I mean, I thought I was a writer, and I failed at that.
What if I'm not a manager either?
I was always a wise-ass and made fun of everybody
because I felt like I was superior.
But what if it's not true?
You know?
I mean, what if I'm not special at all?
I mean, that'll make anyone panic, right?
You feel like an imposter at work,
so you're starting to doubt your own self-worth.
Yeah, that's it. I feel like a fraud.
And, I mean, you have to help me because it's paralyzing me,
and then I'm scared to death
I'm gonna lose the last chance I have
at giving my family a better life.
The Darlene that failed must've been a pretty great writer
because she's stuck a whole doomsday scenario in your head
about your future that you're choosing to believe.
Yeah. I mean, she is scaring the crap out of me.
She's the one that wants me
to keep buying big packages of cheap underwear.
So change the narrative.
You have the pen.
Rewrite the story to where you're capable
and you succeed and start believing that.
It may seem silly at first,
but eventually you'll start believing it.
And the panic attacks will subside.
Okay. Uh, I think I can do that.
Unless I panic while I'm trying.
Oh, my God, what do I do if I panic while I'm trying?
It takes practice.
And in the meantime, I'm gonna get you some anti-anxiety meds
for when you feel an attack coming.
Oh. I like the sound of that.
I'm gonna write a little story where Darlene loves these pills.
Oh, oh.
Too cold to deliver food on a bike.
I hit a patch of black ice,
skidded right past the house I was looking for,
so I just chucked the soup like a newspaper and kept on sliding.
That's quite a life you've carved out for yourself.
Well, someone's in a mood.
I'm sorry.
Ben and I got into a fight, and I quit.
He was acting like he owned the place.
Sure, sure.
Doesn't he own the place?
Look, I was fine quitting
'cause I thought I had another job to go to.
Then the contractor calls,
saying he heard about the forklift
and I was too big of a risk to bring on.
Hey, you're gonna work.
You're, like, one of the best drywallers around.
That's the thing.
I can't keep doing drywall.
What? Why not?
It's getting harder and harder for me.
They don't make ice packs big enough
to cover what hurts on me at the end of the day.
Oh, Dan, you're still a strong, vital guy.
They were right about the forklift.
I would've fired me, too.
I always thought when I stopped, I'd do it on my own terms.
Well, let's look on the bright side.
You got two options.
You can go grovel to Ben and beg for the job back, or...
Gee.
It sure seemed like there should've been something else.
Yeah.
You're gonna love me.
I don't see how, but go on.
I figured out what's wrong with you.
I looked up your personality online,
and I wrote down all your character flaws.
You're totally a narcissist.
I really don't think you can diagnose somebody online.
Well, not you,
because you're too complicated and important, right?
Narcissist.
I just came back from the psychiatrist,
and he helped me understand that I don't believe in myself
and I'm uncomfortable acting like a successful person.
So are you gonna be okay or what?
The shrink says that my new job is threatening
who I think I really am, so I have to figure out
how to keep some of the old me in the new me.
Maybe instead of dressing nicer for work,
you should wear what you normally do
and go as a tiny, self-loathing lumberjack.
Ah.
Look who's home.
[ Sighs ]
Really, man, I'm exhausted.
I'm sure you are.
You had a long day of telling people the wrong thing.
Are we still doing this?
Look. I'm sorry. It was my bad.
I've been my own boss for the past 30 years,
and I haven't had to listen to anybody.
Well, thank you.
And I really do appreciate you giving me the job.
Are you saying you'll come back?
Do you want me to come back?
Do you want to come back?
'Cause, you know, if you did,
I could probably be a little less threatened
that the customers all love you more than me.
They do love me, don't they?
You know, if you play your cards right,
you can get me permanently.
What about your drywall business?
Yeah, I think that's behind me.
Wow. Really?
Yeah. It's time.
So you're looking to become a permanent member
of the Olinsky chain of hardware store.
Hey, you know, even without you there today,
I learned something really important.
Tap the lid on the paint can closed with a hammer
beforeyou put it intothe violent shake-y machine.
You do learn quick.
[ Laughs ]
Okay, remember, this is my first time.
I had to mix the color myself.
Plus I was working with a lot of gray
and a very... temperamental client. [ Chuckles ]
Ooooh, somebody's turning back the clock
for her young boyfriend Neville.
No, Neville's a freak. He likes me old.
No, I'm doing this for my "Jeopardy!" audition video.
Alright, let's see it.
[ Laughs ] Oh, my God!
Huh?
What happened to the back?
I like it.
I think the green is unexpected.
What did you do to me, you little monster?
[ Laughter ]