1
00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:07,708
Oh, thank God.

2
00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:09,877
Please tell me you picked up
my antihistamines.

3
00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:12,513
I love you.

4
00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:13,814
Damn it, Dan.

5
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,716
I'm sorry.

6
00:00:15,749 --> 00:00:17,885
I was over at the funeral home
with my crew,

7
00:00:17,918 --> 00:00:20,821
looking at what we
need for the demo and
rebuild for Darlene,

8
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:23,023
and I totally spaced.

9
00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:26,494
Look, I-I asked you yesterday,
I reminded you today.

10
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:30,030
Even Beverly Rose knew
I wasn't feeling well.

11
00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:32,266
She came over
with her toy stethoscope

12
00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:36,104
and listened to my lungs
and just shook her head.

13
00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:39,340
I don't think Beverly Rose
should making a diagnosis.

14
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,275
The Lanford Little Friends
is one of

15
00:00:41,309 --> 00:00:45,613
the worst-ranked toddler
med schools in the country.

16
00:00:45,646 --> 00:00:47,948
Hey, look, as soon as
the construction crew leaves,

17
00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:49,450
I'll run out
and get your medicine.

18
00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:50,784
No, never mind.

19
00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:52,353
I'll go myself.

20
00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:55,356
Something else will just come up
and you'll forget again.

21
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,292
But if I have a sneezing fit
and drive off a bridge,

22
00:00:58,326 --> 00:01:00,861
I'm gonna come back
every hay fever season

23
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:02,563
and haunt your old ass.

24
00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:06,367
Okay,
daughter number two,

25
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:08,236
the construction crew's
on its way over

26
00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:09,903
with a list of materials
you're gonna need.

27
00:01:09,937 --> 00:01:12,373
Wow.
I have a construction crew.

28
00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:14,074
It's starting
to feel real.

29
00:01:14,108 --> 00:01:15,243
What are you
working on there?

30
00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:17,811
Oh, I'm just going over
my finances.

31
00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:19,647
Even with
the construction loan

32
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:21,415
and taking over
Blansky's mortgage,

33
00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:23,417
my housing might
actually cost less

34
00:01:23,451 --> 00:01:27,155
than the rent I'm paying
to my current slumlord.

35
00:01:27,188 --> 00:01:28,822
I don't think it's fair
to call me that.

36
00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:31,959
Real slumlords
make money.

37
00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:34,262
I think you're
a great slumlord, Dad.

38
00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:36,897
I told you I needed a window
in my bathroom,

39
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:40,067
and you put a painting of
a window in there the next day.

40
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:43,271
Now I can see the Aegean Sea
from my toilet.

41
00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:47,608
Alright, just one
last calculation.

42
00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:50,077
I want to see what
my property tax is gonna be.

43
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:52,646
Holy crap.

44
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,582
It's gonna be like
$6,000 a year.

45
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:56,184
Taxes suck.

46
00:01:56,217 --> 00:01:58,018
But ever since I put down
11 dependents,

47
00:01:58,051 --> 00:02:00,354
my paycheck
is much bigger.

48
00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:02,490
Well, and don't forget about
all your insurance, too.

49
00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:05,959
You got your mortgage,
flood, fire, homeowner's.

50
00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:08,128
Oh, man, I didn't
figure in any of those.

51
00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:09,663
Dad, do you have
all that stuff?

52
00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:11,632
I wish.

53
00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:15,769
I gamed the system by
not having anything of value.

54
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:18,138
Okay, Becky, I held the line
on your rent control

55
00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:19,207
for nearly five minutes,

56
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,108
but it's time
to double your rent.

57
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,142
If you're gonna
gouge me,

58
00:02:22,176 --> 00:02:24,178
I might as well live
at the Ritz.

59
00:02:24,212 --> 00:02:26,614
You wanna live in
a fancy hotel, honey?

60
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:29,950
No,
I'll miss Grandpa.

61
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,719
If we're at
a fancy hotel,

62
00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:33,821
Mommy can find
a rich Grandpa to date

63
00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:35,489
who will
buy you a pony.

64
00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:36,757
Okay.

65
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,295
Ah, hey,
here they are, Darlene.

66
00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:42,696
Here's your
construction crew.

67
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,134
Of what?

68
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,337
The pyramids?

69
00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:51,472
These gentlemen
all gave me my start.

70
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:52,806
You remember everybody.

71
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,475
- Hey, guys.
- How you doing?

72
00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,477
Always went above and beyond
for these guys,

73
00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,312
and now they're gonna
return the favor.

74
00:02:58,346 --> 00:03:00,348
Yeah, we're more than happy
to help Dan's daughter

75
00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:02,750
get her dream home.

76
00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:04,752
Mind if I sit down?

77
00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:07,221
After a long day
of dialysis,

78
00:03:07,255 --> 00:03:11,225
that walk from the door
kind of took it out of me.

79
00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:13,026
You ought to try some of
my copper bracelets.

80
00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:14,928
They really
boosted my energy.

81
00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:17,197
I don't fall asleep
at traffic lights

82
00:03:17,231 --> 00:03:18,566
and wake up
to find myself

83
00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:20,668
rolling through
intersections anymore.

84
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,069
I'll tell you what.

85
00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:24,104
Why don't you guys head over
to Casita Bonita

86
00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:26,774
and we'll go over
the materials list there?

87
00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:28,208
Lunch is on me.

88
00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:29,943
Sounds Mexican.
No thanks.

89
00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:32,680
Last time I had chili,
it cost me two feet of my colon.

90
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,883
Boo-hoo.
I got a pig aorta.

91
00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:38,018
Come on.
Let's go.

92
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,387
See you over there.

93
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:44,725
Those guys
can't demo a house.

94
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:47,227
They can't even
digest food.

95
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:48,462
They're free.

96
00:03:48,496 --> 00:03:50,464
You can't afford
to be picky.

97
00:03:50,498 --> 00:03:52,199
Here's hoping
when the Grim Reaper

98
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:54,101
swings his sickle
at one of those guys,

99
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:57,305
he'll miss and knock
a wall down instead.

100
00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:59,740
Great, now on top of
all the taxes and insurance,

101
00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:01,709
I'm gonna have to hire
some younger guys?

102
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,110
I'm about to sign papers,

103
00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:05,579
and I can't afford to do
all the stuff we planned.

104
00:04:05,613 --> 00:04:07,415
I have to make
some more money.

105
00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:10,551
Well, you've been at Wellman's
for, what, a couple years now?

106
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,119
Go in there
and ask for a raise.

107
00:04:12,152 --> 00:04:14,622
Hey. Yes.
The time is right.

108
00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:16,924
You know, all these companies
are desperately trying

109
00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:18,792
to hang on to the employees
that they've got.

110
00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:20,127
Oh, yeah, that's true.

111
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,462
I mean,
I screw up all the time,

112
00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:23,063
and they still
keep me around at my job.

113
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,132
I told them I was taking
the trash out two hours ago,

114
00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:27,601
but really,
I just came here to get food.

115
00:04:27,635 --> 00:04:29,803
Oh, God. I gotta get back.
I'm gonna miss my lunch break.

116
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:33,173
Well,
under my management,

117
00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:35,943
production efficiency
went up 15%.

118
00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:38,346
Hey, that's pretty good.
Is that worth a raise?

119
00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:40,013
Yeah,
I think it's pretty good,

120
00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:42,316
considering there's no such
thing as production efficiency.

121
00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:47,955
{\an8}<i>Captions by VITAC</i> --

122
00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:24,625
Got a minute?
Yep.

123
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:27,294
Yeah. Fine.

124
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:30,297
We have got to do
something about Sleepy Kevin.

125
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,500
He dozed off in
a box of packing peanuts,

126
00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:34,201
woke up on a truck
halfway to Moline.

127
00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:36,303
He was this close
to being frozen

128
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,539
in the belly
of a FedEx plane.

129
00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:40,140
Okay. Okay.

130
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:44,144
I will put Cokehead Annie next
to Sleepy Kevin on the line,

131
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,647
and her mindless jabbering
will keep him awake.

132
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,315
Done.

133
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,384
That kind of creative thinking
deserves a raise,

134
00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:51,819
don't you think?

135
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:54,321
Well, sure.
But you're not getting one.

136
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:55,489
Why not?

137
00:05:55,523 --> 00:05:57,157
I've been here
for almost two years.

138
00:05:57,190 --> 00:06:00,594
I've increased
production efficiency by 27%.

139
00:06:00,628 --> 00:06:03,196
I haven't taken home any
toilet paper or bottled water

140
00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:04,598
in like a year.

141
00:06:04,632 --> 00:06:06,199
When I measured
the copy machine to see if

142
00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:09,537
it would fit in my car,
I knew I had a problem.

143
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:12,706
If it didn't fit in my car,
it's not gonna fit in yours.

144
00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:15,576
Look,
you deserve a raise.

145
00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:17,077
And so do I.

146
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:19,346
But the only people getting them
are the line workers

147
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,781
so they won't quit.

148
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,583
What, so I can't afford
to get a house

149
00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:24,552
because we have to hold on to
Cokehead Annie?

150
00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,119
She does the work
of four people,

151
00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:27,555
but she does it wrong.

152
00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:31,592
You coming in here
does give me an idea, though.

153
00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:34,562
If we go in together
and threaten to quit,

154
00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:37,264
they'd have to
give it to us.

155
00:06:37,297 --> 00:06:38,932
Whoa.

156
00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:40,534
Threaten to quit?

157
00:06:40,568 --> 00:06:42,235
What if they let us?

158
00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:44,772
They can't afford
to lose us both.

159
00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:47,908
After all, we've upped
production efficiency by 38%.

160
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:49,242
No, 27%.

161
00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:51,912
The number I made up
is better.

162
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:53,313
So, you with me?

163
00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:56,917
Well, I trust you
like I trust my family.

164
00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:58,285
That's not a good thing,

165
00:06:58,318 --> 00:06:59,853
so I'm gonna go
run it by some strangers.

166
00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:03,924
I'm gonna
test your reflexes.

167
00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:05,826
Okay, Doc.
Go for it.

168
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:10,931
Oop!

169
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:12,633
Your parts
are all mixed up.

170
00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:14,301
You know
what fixes that?

171
00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:17,270
A sip of
Grandpa's medicine.

172
00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:20,608
Mommy says beer
doesn't fix anything.

173
00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:21,975
She's right.

174
00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:24,077
Money fixes everything.

175
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:26,780
And for proof,
here's a dollar

176
00:07:26,814 --> 00:07:30,283
not to tell Mom I asked you
to hand me my beer.

177
00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:34,121
I just need
a minute to change

178
00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:35,923
and then I'll be ready
to go to the concert.

179
00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:37,124
I can't go, honey.

180
00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:38,458
What? Wh--

181
00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:40,127
I sent you a text.
Didn't you get it?

182
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,595
No.

183
00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:43,130
Hey, come on.

184
00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:45,132
We've been planning to see
Bachman-Turner Overdrive

185
00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:46,299
for over a month.

186
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:47,668
What's going on?

187
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:49,770
Becky's study group realized
they were working on

188
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,805
the wrong assignment
and they need to start over...

189
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:54,307
...so I'm watching
Beverly Rose for her.

190
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:56,677
I sent the text
to Chuck.

191
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:58,445
He wrote back,
"I spent the day with you.

192
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,548
I've gotten my fill
of old white guys."

193
00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:03,984
I was really
looking forward to this.

194
00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:05,719
Well, we'll see
BTO another time.

195
00:08:05,753 --> 00:08:08,155
We can't see
BTO another time.

196
00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:10,223
The only business
they're taking care of

197
00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:12,660
is getting their affairs
in order.

198
00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:14,528
We'll see another band.
It's fine.

199
00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:17,130
I'm upset, Dan,
and -- and you're just acting

200
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:18,298
like it's no big deal.

201
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:19,733
What do you
expect me to do?

202
00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:21,869
Drop my granddaughter off
at the fire station

203
00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:24,404
so I can go to
a concert?
I-I didn't say that.

204
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:25,505
Well, what the hell
are you saying?

205
00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:26,874
'Cause I'm saying
it's more important

206
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:28,542
for my daughter
to get a degree

207
00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:30,077
than it is for me
to go to a concert.

208
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,912
Uh, th-that's not fair.

209
00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:33,714
Well, no, what's not fair
is everybody

210
00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:36,316
needs something from me,
and I'm only one person.

211
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,552
You know what?
I am not getting into

212
00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:40,721
a screaming match
with you over this.

213
00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:42,856
We're still talking.
Where are you going?

214
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:51,264
She's mad at you.
You should give her a dollar.

215
00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:52,933
Unlearn that immediately.

216
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:54,234
Okay.

217
00:08:58,138 --> 00:08:58,939
Hey.

218
00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:00,207
You get the raise?

219
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,409
No.
The company's strapped.

220
00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:04,612
Robin wants me to
threaten to quit with her

221
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:06,614
because she says
it gives us more leverage,

222
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:08,548
but how can I
take that risk?

223
00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:10,117
I think I'm gonna
have to tell her no.

224
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:11,919
Risks are
a part of life.

225
00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:13,754
You have to be fearless.

226
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:15,122
Roseanne and I,
we took a big leap

227
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:17,190
when we opened
our loose meat place.

228
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:18,458
But that went bust.

229
00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:20,928
Well, yeah, but that's
your mother's fault,

230
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:23,096
because she's not here
to defend herself.

231
00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:27,601
This hurts to say,
but Jackie's right.

232
00:09:27,635 --> 00:09:29,937
You can't get ahead unless
you take some chances.

233
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:31,438
That's why I started
the bike shop

234
00:09:31,471 --> 00:09:32,940
when your mom and I
had nothing.

235
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:34,441
But that went bust, too.

236
00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:37,377
Yes, and I'd do it again because
I don't have to sit around

237
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,947
wondering whether I could've run
a successful bike shop.

238
00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:42,315
Now I know I can't.

239
00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:46,453
Hard to believe neither of you
is a motivational speaker.

240
00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:50,123
Honey, the point is,
if you're too afraid to try,

241
00:09:50,157 --> 00:09:52,392
you'll never know whether
you could've gotten the raise

242
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:53,794
or could've
gotten the house.

243
00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:57,264
God, I want that house so bad.

244
00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:58,799
Take it from
an old man.

245
00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:01,635
It's easier to live
with failure than regret.

246
00:10:01,669 --> 00:10:04,337
I wouldn't listen to these two
"Shark Tank" rejects.

247
00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:05,673
Robin's really smart.

248
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:07,675
If she thinks you can
get a raise, I'd go for it.

249
00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:09,442
Yeah, maybe.

250
00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:12,512
I mean, one of the Conners
has to succeed eventually.

251
00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:14,281
It's the law
of averages.

252
00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:15,783
Like going to
a tropical island

253
00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:17,951
and being killed
by a falling coconut.

254
00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:19,619
There's no reason that can't
happen to me, right?

255
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:23,957
Eh.

256
00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:25,693
You think Louise
is okay?

257
00:10:25,726 --> 00:10:27,527
I've been calling her.
She's not picking up.

258
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,629
Probably avoiding you.

259
00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:32,800
Uh, let me call.

260
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,634
I married you guys,
for God's sakes.

261
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:36,303
She'll answer for me. Mm.

262
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:40,774
Louise:
<i>Who is this?</i>

263
00:10:40,808 --> 00:10:42,976
It's the woman
who married you.

264
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:45,445
I never married a woman.

265
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:48,215
I-I mean,
I dabbled in the '70s.

266
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,952
Where are you, hon?
I'm worried.

267
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,520
I'm at the funeral home.

268
00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:56,957
<i>I just need
a little time to myself.</i>

269
00:10:56,990 --> 00:11:00,360
I'm gonna sleep here tonight.

270
00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:02,129
Good night.

271
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,964
Mm.

272
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,033
I'm going over there.

273
00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:08,135
We've never had a fight where
she just walked out on me.

274
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,170
Dan, she just told you
she doesn't want to see you.

275
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:11,404
You're just gonna
make it worse.

276
00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:14,374
I tell you that all the time
and it doesn't work.

277
00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:16,143
Well, I know
you don't mean it.

278
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,811
Oh, but I <i>do.</i>

279
00:11:17,845 --> 00:11:19,212
Get out.

280
00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:21,014
See?

281
00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:22,983
This is our thing we do,
right here.

282
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:30,157
Hey.

283
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:32,159
Oh, hey.

284
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,327
Uh, cremation, huh?

285
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,529
Might as well know
what you're in for.

286
00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:38,365
Even if my dad told you
you're gonna have

287
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:39,933
a really beautiful funeral,

288
00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:43,703
it was always gonna be fire
and a cardboard box.

289
00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:46,606
Did your dad send you over here
to apologize for him?

290
00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:47,941
No.

291
00:11:47,975 --> 00:11:51,044
I wanted to say sorry for
screwing up your date night.

292
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:52,612
Don't be mad at him.

293
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:55,115
He was just helping me out
'cause I was in a jam.

294
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:59,186
Look, I love that he's generous
and always wants to help,

295
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:02,790
but you don't seem to realize
he has a wife now.

296
00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:04,724
He does?

297
00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:06,760
I thought all the women's
underwear in the wash

298
00:12:06,794 --> 00:12:08,829
were thrown at him
by his fans.

299
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,965
We know he has a wife.

300
00:12:11,999 --> 00:12:13,400
Do you?

301
00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:15,903
'Cause every time one of you
needs something,

302
00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:19,773
you expect your dad to drop
everything and take care of you.

303
00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:22,776
And the thing
he usually drops is me.

304
00:12:24,311 --> 00:12:26,313
We're family, Louise.

305
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:28,415
I'm family, too.

306
00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:31,251
Then you should know that
when we're in crisis,

307
00:12:31,284 --> 00:12:33,320
we survive by
undercutting each other

308
00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:36,723
so that our crisis
gets taken care of first.

309
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,392
Babysitting
isn't exactly a crisis.

310
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:41,561
And now he's gonna be busy
building that house

311
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:42,629
for you and Darlene,

312
00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:44,331
I'm never
gonna see him.

313
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:46,666
Building the house
was your idea!

314
00:12:46,699 --> 00:12:48,468
I was being nice.

315
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:51,338
Well, you made a mistake!
Move on!

316
00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:53,006
I do not
want to fight.

317
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,108
I'm leaving.

318
00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:58,611
You cannot just walk out
in the middle of a fight!

319
00:12:58,645 --> 00:13:00,180
How are we
gonna know who wins?

320
00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:05,452
This is a huge mistake.

321
00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:06,920
Would you relax?

322
00:13:06,954 --> 00:13:08,621
We have to be
cool and confident.

323
00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:10,958
We deserve this raise.

324
00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:12,125
You know who doesn't
get a raise?

325
00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:14,427
The fidgety and sweaty.

326
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:18,966
I can't help it. My low
self-esteem is shooting
out my armpits.

327
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:20,600
You know, I'm going.

328
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,836
You have got to start
believing in yourself.

329
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:25,839
This is a pivotal moment
in your life,

330
00:13:25,873 --> 00:13:28,341
and you will never forgive
yourself if you walk out.

331
00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:29,642
Okay, you're right.

332
00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:32,279
I'm just terrified
I'm gonna say the wrong thing.

333
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:35,482
Just follow my lead, and try not
to sweat through the chair.

334
00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:41,621
So, what can I do
for you two?

335
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,390
Well, Marcus,
it's no secret

336
00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:45,893
that Darlene and I make
an effective management team.

337
00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:49,229
This year, we've increased
production efficiency by 54%.

338
00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:50,797
Isn't that what you said,
Darlene?

339
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:54,902
Uh...yeah.
Uh, 54% sounds right.

340
00:13:54,935 --> 00:13:57,304
Even I'm impressed
when I hear it.

341
00:13:57,337 --> 00:14:00,240
Together, we've created
a steadying influence

342
00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:02,175
during a time of
personnel upheaval.

343
00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:03,676
So much upheaval.

344
00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:05,812
Too much, really.

345
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:09,316
That's why we both would like
our first raise in years,

346
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,650
and if our request
isn't met,

347
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:14,922
we have no other choice
but to resign immediately.

348
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:17,857
Is that how you feel, too,
Darlene?

349
00:14:17,891 --> 00:14:20,260
Mm-hmm.

350
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:24,097
Well, I'm just
gonna say it --

351
00:14:24,131 --> 00:14:25,865
You both deserve a raise.

352
00:14:25,899 --> 00:14:28,335
Oh. Thank you.

353
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,503
And I really hope that
compliment holds you over,

354
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,672
because I just
can't give you a raise.

355
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:33,941
All the money's
been allocated

356
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,943
to keep the line workers
from quitting.

357
00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:37,744
What, so we can't get a raise
'cause you have to

358
00:14:37,777 --> 00:14:39,879
hold on to Cokehead Annie
at all costs?

359
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:42,082
She's the first one in
and last one to leave.

360
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,516
Well, yeah,
she lives here.

361
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,518
Her house
went up her nose.

362
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:47,620
Well, whoever's pee I'm testing
is coming back clean.

363
00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:49,189
Anyway,

364
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:53,060
I know you'll be an asset to
whatever company you work for.

365
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,794
Good luck.

366
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:56,763
Okay, alright.

367
00:14:56,796 --> 00:14:58,698
Yeah, now we've stated
our bargaining positions.

368
00:14:58,731 --> 00:14:59,967
Now it's time
to haggle.

369
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,769
No.
No haggling.

370
00:15:02,802 --> 00:15:04,771
Thank you
for your service.

371
00:15:04,804 --> 00:15:07,107
I think that's just for people
in the armed forces.

372
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:09,276
Well,
I didn't mean it anyway.

373
00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:12,445
So, please
see yourselves out.

374
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:18,385
Well,
that's step one.

375
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:21,288
Step one?
There are no other steps.

376
00:15:21,321 --> 00:15:24,257
He just let us quit.

377
00:15:24,291 --> 00:15:25,792
Oh, my God.

378
00:15:25,825 --> 00:15:27,127
What am I gonna do?

379
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:28,795
I don't have a job.

380
00:15:28,828 --> 00:15:30,097
I'm not gonna be able
to get that house.

381
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:32,765
I-I let my kids down
and my family,

382
00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:34,634
and this is all
because of you.

383
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,103
You told me
I was valuable.

384
00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:37,270
You told me to
believe in myself.

385
00:15:37,304 --> 00:15:38,938
What kind of
stupid advice is that?

386
00:15:45,245 --> 00:15:46,279
Look, I don't know how I'm gonna
save Darlene extra money

387
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:49,282
so you can go hire
younger guys.

388
00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:51,784
I'm already getting her
all the materials at cost.

389
00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:54,521
Maybe we skip
the eight-foot ceilings.

390
00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:56,423
She's a munchkin.

391
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,425
Seven-foot ceilings
will make her feel like

392
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,994
she's in
Westminster Abbey.

393
00:16:01,028 --> 00:16:02,829
What about Becky?

394
00:16:02,862 --> 00:16:04,197
She's regular
human size.

395
00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:08,301
Mm. Okay.
We're done.

396
00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:09,702
Go on. Beat it.
Scram!

397
00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:10,803
Yep.
Go!

398
00:16:10,837 --> 00:16:12,972
Alright!
Hi, babe.

399
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:16,309
Uh, Becky told me you were
on your way over,

400
00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:19,679
so I'm making a meal
for my special lady.

401
00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:21,448
Hear that, Ben?

402
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,550
You're special.

403
00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:32,125
Hey.

404
00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:34,161
I know I blew it
with the concert.

405
00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:35,628
I'm sorry.

406
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,297
Can't we put it
behind us?

407
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:41,334
Dan, it's never
gonna be behind us.

408
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:43,836
This is how you are
with the family.

409
00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:46,873
You are constantly
putting out their fires.

410
00:16:46,906 --> 00:16:49,709
And I don't want to have
to create a fire

411
00:16:49,742 --> 00:16:51,511
just to get
your attention.

412
00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:54,647
Are you really asking me
to stop helping my kids?

413
00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:56,683
Of course not.

414
00:16:56,716 --> 00:17:00,019
I just want to feel
like I'm as much a
priority as they are.

415
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,591
You are a priority.

416
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:05,925
Am I?

417
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:08,428
Did you ask Becky to try
to find someone else

418
00:17:08,461 --> 00:17:11,364
before you said yes
to watching her kid?

419
00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:13,032
No, I did not.

420
00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:14,201
Alright.

421
00:17:14,234 --> 00:17:15,868
So, look,
here's the deal --

422
00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:17,904
don't stop
helping your kids.

423
00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:21,608
Just change the equation
so that you factor me in

424
00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:23,276
more than you do
right now.

425
00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:26,879
If someone asks you to
do something, ask yourself,

426
00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:28,881
"Am I the only one
who could do this,

427
00:17:28,915 --> 00:17:31,251
or would I rather
get laid tonight?"

428
00:17:32,652 --> 00:17:34,221
Got it.

429
00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:35,355
The kids
are dead to me.

430
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:38,791
Not now.

431
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,300
You need to chill.

432
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:48,601
You're pacing so hard,

433
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:51,070
my smartwatch
is picking up your steps.

434
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,641
Marcus is probably meeting
with the partners right now,

435
00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:55,908
going over the numbers

436
00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:57,877
in order to make
our raises work.

437
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,279
Did you eat the worm?

438
00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:01,314
Right now, they are
going up and down the line

439
00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:04,451
looking for two people
who can pass a background check

440
00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:06,253
and a drug test
to replace us.

441
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:07,954
I hired
most of those people.

442
00:18:07,987 --> 00:18:10,089
I think we're safe.

443
00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:11,458
Ha-ha-ha.

444
00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:13,092
You think your jokes
are funny right now?

445
00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:14,961
Do you see me laughing?

446
00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:16,829
Now that you're no longer
my boss, I can tell you

447
00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:19,299
that I always laughed,
but your jokes were never funny.

448
00:18:19,332 --> 00:18:21,768
Well,
let me tell you that,

449
00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:23,236
now that I'm no longer
your boss,

450
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:24,471
I knew
they weren't funny.

451
00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:27,440
I just wanted to
see you suck up to me.

452
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:30,443
Alright, that's it.
I'm gonna cave.

453
00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:33,580
I'm going to beg for my job back
at my old salary.

454
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:34,981
You think you've seen
sucking up?

455
00:18:35,014 --> 00:18:36,949
That was amateur hour.

456
00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:38,285
Wait.

457
00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:39,786
We still have
all the leverage.

458
00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:42,955
You just need to show some
backbone a little while longer.

459
00:18:42,989 --> 00:18:44,624
If we had any leverage,
they would have

460
00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:46,293
given us the raise
in the office,

461
00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:48,461
or -- or on our way down
to the car,

462
00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:50,930
or the last two hours
that we've been here.

463
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,433
We're gonna be sweeping up hair
at Super Duper Cuts

464
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:54,667
a year from now
with you saying,

465
00:18:54,701 --> 00:18:57,003
"They're gonna be calling
any minute."

466
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:01,841
What? No ridiculous
overconfidence?

467
00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:05,212
No "We've got them
right where we want them"?

468
00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:07,347
Well, you've made
some good points.

469
00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:08,948
What? No!

470
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,650
No! Tell me
I'm hysterical!

471
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:11,818
Yes, okay, you are.

472
00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:14,321
I'm just saying you might have
something there.

473
00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:17,023
Alright,
I-I'm going to grovel.

474
00:19:17,056 --> 00:19:18,225
Are you coming?

475
00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:20,960
Seems like
the prudent thing to do.

476
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:22,395
Maybe if we go in
and beg together,

477
00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:23,696
we'll have more leverage.

478
00:19:23,730 --> 00:19:25,332
Shut up!

479
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:29,836
Ah. Here it is.

480
00:19:31,238 --> 00:19:33,306
They're giving me
the raise.

481
00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:46,185
Maybe it went
into your spam folder.

482
00:19:48,455 --> 00:19:50,823
No, it's just
hundreds of e-mails

483
00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:54,827
reminding me that I have
$6 in Old Navy Cash.

484
00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:57,196
Hopefully, I can use it
to buy food.

485
00:20:00,099 --> 00:20:03,236
Well, this is awkward.

486
00:20:03,270 --> 00:20:06,038
I hate you so much.

487
00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:07,674
You've destroyed
my life,

488
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:10,377
and I'm gonna spend
the rest of my waking hours

489
00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:13,513
hoping that you fail
at everything you do.

490
00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:22,689
Yes! I got it!

491
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:24,591
Yes!

492
00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:31,964
Now that
you are my boss again,

493
00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:34,200
I would like to say that
I-I actually do think

494
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,235
your jokes
are pretty funny.

495
00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:38,438
Shut up.

496
00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:44,777
Hey, Darlene! I didn't hear
your car in the driveway!

497
00:20:46,646 --> 00:20:49,282
I took an Uber.
Long story.

498
00:20:49,316 --> 00:20:51,083
Well, did you get
the raise?

499
00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:53,486
Okay.
Uh, I got it.

500
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:54,654
I got the raise.

501
00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:57,524
You got the raise?

502
00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:10,737
See?

503
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:12,605
We knew you got
the raise all along.

504
00:21:12,639 --> 00:21:15,107
Wow. I-I had a couple
dark moments,

505
00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:17,109
but it's great to know that
you guys had faith in me.

506
00:21:17,143 --> 00:21:19,979
Yeah.
Oh, that is so sweet.

507
00:21:20,012 --> 00:21:22,715
We wrote something
on both sides.

508
00:21:25,151 --> 00:21:27,420
All: Yay!