1 00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:04,572 ** 2 00:00:04,605 --> 00:00:06,340 Hello. 3 00:00:06,374 --> 00:00:07,908 What? Are those moving boxes? 4 00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:09,143 Is somebody moving out?! Let me help. 5 00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:10,578 No. No. 6 00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:12,012 It's stuff I was storing here 7 00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:13,847 because I didn't have room in my apartment, 8 00:00:13,881 --> 00:00:16,150 but now since I'm moving into Neville's place, 9 00:00:16,184 --> 00:00:18,086 I got to figure out what to bring. 10 00:00:18,119 --> 00:00:19,620 No one ever moves out. 11 00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:22,923 Well, you make it too nice. 12 00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:24,392 Moldy shower curtains, 13 00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,727 four different kinds of soap chunks smashed into one. 14 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,429 Nobody's leaving that. 15 00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:32,032 Hey! You look nice. 16 00:00:32,066 --> 00:00:35,035 I'm meeting some friends at the bar for happy hour. 17 00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:37,205 Are they meeting you in your coat? 18 00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:40,274 'Cause it seems like that's where all the food and drinks are. 19 00:00:40,308 --> 00:00:42,876 Well, even happy-hour prices are kind of high. 20 00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:45,179 Usually, I'll flirt with a guy so he buys me drinks, 21 00:00:45,213 --> 00:00:47,681 and then I'll shimmy out the bathroom window and head home, 22 00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:49,450 but the place tonight is at a rooftop bar, 23 00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:52,420 and I don't want to fall 20 stories for a pumpkin pale ale. 24 00:00:55,123 --> 00:00:57,525 There's a lot of things you can take from this house -- 25 00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:59,627 books, vegetables, Jackie. 26 00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:02,930 But if you think I'm spending the rest of my night 27 00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:06,066 with these people sober, you are sadly mistaken. 28 00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:07,401 Gimme. 29 00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:09,036 Hm! 30 00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,205 Gimme. 31 00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:13,541 I guess I'm back to flirting for drinks. 32 00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:15,743 You're not getting any younger. I'd go. 33 00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:20,648 So how come it took you so long to move in with Neville? 34 00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:22,216 He's an old-fashioned guy. 35 00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:23,917 He felt like living together before marriage 36 00:01:23,951 --> 00:01:25,819 would make God cry. 37 00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:29,223 And yet he had no problem with all the premarital sex. 38 00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:31,325 Single guys have their own religion. 39 00:01:31,359 --> 00:01:34,828 Oh, I tell ya, I tell ya, God would be inconsolable 40 00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:36,497 if he saw what we were doing every night 41 00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:39,066 before I said bye-bye and headed home. 42 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:42,102 Are you excited to be moving in with your fella? 43 00:01:42,136 --> 00:01:44,104 Oh. Yeah. Absolutely. 44 00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:45,639 This is the first time I'm living with somebody 45 00:01:45,673 --> 00:01:48,008 because we want to be together, you know? 46 00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:50,411 Not because he stole my key while I was asleep 47 00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,913 and made a copy at Home Depot. 48 00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:55,115 Oh, my God. 49 00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:56,850 There's stuff from all different parts 50 00:01:56,884 --> 00:01:59,753 of my life in these things. 51 00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:01,289 [ Chuckles ] 52 00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:04,592 Oh, my God! My old service taser! 53 00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:08,128 I was looking for this the last time my mom visited. 54 00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:11,332 Wait! This was just sitting in the closet for years? 55 00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:13,301 Relax. It was in a box. It was taped shut. 56 00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:14,968 Oh, there you go. 57 00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:17,205 No kid has ever gotten through Scotch tape. 58 00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:19,507 That's why they use it on liquor cabinets and pool gates. 59 00:02:21,008 --> 00:02:23,377 Wow. Well, no wonder my box was so heavy. 60 00:02:23,411 --> 00:02:25,379 It's filled with books. 61 00:02:25,413 --> 00:02:27,281 Copies of the book I self-published, 62 00:02:27,315 --> 00:02:30,784 "Lessons from a Life Coach." 63 00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:32,386 How many of these did you sell? 64 00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:34,822 Oh, that's not important. 65 00:02:34,855 --> 00:02:36,224 If I helped one person -- 66 00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:37,525 Got it. One. 67 00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:43,063 Hey! You got Roseanne's plastic cow creamer. 68 00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:45,132 [ Laughs ] She spent like eight years 69 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,534 looking all over the place for this thing. 70 00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:48,669 I know. You know what? 71 00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:51,905 Sometimes I even helped her look for it. 72 00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:54,808 I was gonna slip it into her casket at the funeral, 73 00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:57,411 but then I thought I can't let go of that memory 74 00:02:57,445 --> 00:02:59,247 of watching her wander through the house going, 75 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:00,681 "Where is that damn thing?" 76 00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:02,483 [ Laughs ] 77 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:03,751 You know, for a former life coach, 78 00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:05,253 you're kinda sadistic. 79 00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:10,491 [ Door opens ] 80 00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:11,592 [ Television turns on ] 81 00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,595 Hey. Hmm. 82 00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,697 Why do you look so happy? You know where you are, right? 83 00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,499 [ Chuckles ] 84 00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:20,167 I also know where we're going tonight. 85 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,436 I got tickets to that new Italian movie. 86 00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:24,438 The one with the sex, huh? And the food? 87 00:03:24,472 --> 00:03:26,907 And the screaming and the smoking and the -- 88 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:28,776 Well, you know. An Italian movie. 89 00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:31,078 Yeah, if I wanted all that, I'd just hang out 90 00:03:31,111 --> 00:03:33,381 in the alley behind the high school. 91 00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:35,783 And to keep the international theme going, 92 00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:37,918 I got a reservation at the best French restaurant 93 00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:39,753 in Kane County -- Le Maître D'. 94 00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:41,522 You know why they call it that, don't you? 95 00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,357 The last restaurant was called Le Maître D' 96 00:03:43,391 --> 00:03:45,259 and they didn't feel like changing the sign. 97 00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,530 Well, that is so sweet, 98 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,465 but you don't have to do all that for me. 99 00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:53,534 Oh, come on. It's gonna be fun. 100 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,369 You know what else is fun? 101 00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:57,438 Getting cozy and snuggling up right here on the couch. 102 00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:59,206 And you know what? 103 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,942 We will take control of the remote for the whole night. 104 00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:03,777 Dan: No, you won't! Yes, we will! 105 00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:08,215 Alright, well, what about dinner? 106 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,717 I already took care of it. 107 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:13,287 At some point, Kenny will be dropping a contactless delivery 108 00:04:13,321 --> 00:04:16,657 of vegan enchiladas right at our doorstep. 109 00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:18,392 Oh, he's pulling out of a weed store, 110 00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:20,060 so we might not get all of our food, 111 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,929 but some of it's gotta get here. 112 00:04:23,331 --> 00:04:26,233 Well, we can still have an international night of sorts, 113 00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:29,236 I guess, and before we go to our Italian movie, 114 00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:31,639 Kenny will be high on Jamaican kush, 115 00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:33,907 and then we'll offend Mexico 116 00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:37,678 by eating what you pretend are enchiladas. 117 00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:40,781 I am down with all of that, 118 00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:43,517 except for one small tweak. 119 00:04:43,551 --> 00:04:45,252 We change going to a movie 120 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,421 to not going to a freakin' movie -- 121 00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:50,157 Pardon my French. Oh, wait. There's your international. 122 00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:56,464 ** 123 00:04:56,497 --> 00:05:03,103 ** 124 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:09,643 ** 125 00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:12,646 -- Captions by VITA -- 126 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,014 "The Conners" is recorded 127 00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,449 in front of a live studio audience. 128 00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:17,117 Hmm. 129 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:18,519 What happened? 130 00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:21,455 Uh, you fell asleep just as Mrs. Doubtfire's 131 00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:25,325 [laughing] fake boobs caught fire from the stove. 132 00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:28,529 [ Sighs ] I've seen that movie three times. 133 00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:31,699 Fiery boobs are funny maybe twice. 134 00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:33,801 Look, I can't waste my life 135 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,236 sleeping on this couch anymore, you know? 136 00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:40,173 I need some stimulation, some things that make me think. 137 00:05:40,207 --> 00:05:42,342 Geez. Since when did everything have to be 138 00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:44,545 so highbrow, artsy-fartsy for you? 139 00:05:44,578 --> 00:05:46,514 We've always sat around and vegged out on the couch. 140 00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:49,517 Yeah, but I -- [ Groans ] 141 00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:52,386 I need to be around creativity, you know? 142 00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:54,722 I-I-I don't write anymore, 143 00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:57,491 and I work at a hardware store all day long. 144 00:05:57,525 --> 00:05:59,493 And your dad went on the other day for 20 minutes 145 00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:02,362 about toggle bolts versus anchor bolts, 146 00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:04,364 and at one point, I looked over at the rat poison 147 00:06:04,398 --> 00:06:07,468 and I was like, "Oh, man! If only I had the guts." 148 00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:14,241 Well, I'm -- I'm so sorry. 149 00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:16,276 You know, I didn't know that you still missed 150 00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:18,579 the magazine so much. Yeah. 151 00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:21,014 Okay. How is this? 152 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:23,784 Let's check the guide for a foreign movie 153 00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,218 that we can watch tomorrow night, 154 00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:27,254 and we can eat a foreign snack. 155 00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:30,023 Popcornopolis. That's Greek, right? 156 00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:32,893 You're not listening to me, okay? 157 00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,528 There's things going on out there 158 00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,396 that I want to be a part of. 159 00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:38,231 Okay, fine. 160 00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:40,934 I-I mean, I want you to be happy, so pick -- 161 00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:42,603 pick something you want to do. Anything. 162 00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:44,772 Great. Okay. 163 00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,940 Uh, they're doing "Romeo and Juliet" 164 00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:48,876 at The Pickled Playhouse in Elk Grove Village 165 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,478 this weekend. Absolutely not. 166 00:06:50,511 --> 00:06:52,746 Every one of those words sounds awful. 167 00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:54,615 [ Chuckles ] Come on. It's fun. 168 00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:56,383 Look, one of the cast members 169 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:59,252 has to do shots every five minutes until they're drunk, 170 00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:02,456 and then they start screwing up their lines and improvising, 171 00:07:02,490 --> 00:07:05,225 and the -- the whole play becomes something else entirely. 172 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:08,562 Does it become something I want to watch? 173 00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:12,299 [ Both laugh ] 174 00:07:12,332 --> 00:07:14,935 Look, I'm going, with or without you. 175 00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:17,304 Okay. Fine. I'll go. 176 00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:19,439 But I don't understand why we can't just grab some beers 177 00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:20,641 and rent "The Lion King." 178 00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:22,610 That's like "Hamlet" with a gassy warthog. 179 00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:26,413 Neville: I really like that cow creamer. 180 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:29,182 Jackie: Yeah, I just hope it goes with the rest of the stuff 181 00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:31,685 that you got in the -- [ Pig snorts ] 182 00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:34,121 Well, the... 183 00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:36,990 cow's gonna fit right in. 184 00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,425 What's all this about? 185 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,928 These are guys that need extra care. 186 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,663 I usually stay late at the clinic for that, 187 00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,932 but I want us to be able to spend time together, 188 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,767 so I just brought them home. 189 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,503 Are any of these animals dangerous? 190 00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:51,772 Oh. Gosh, no. [ Chuckles ] 191 00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,474 Depends on what you mean by that. 192 00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:57,110 Well, like, is that gonna get out 193 00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:58,646 and try and eat me while I'm sleeping? 194 00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:01,181 No, no, no. These are all pets. 195 00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:03,316 Although the pig was pulled out of the slaughterhouse line 196 00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:07,888 at the last minute, so sometimes he screams at night. 197 00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:11,859 So, um, this is all probably gonna be for probably, 198 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:15,729 like -- like, probably like a week? 199 00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:21,835 Yeah, maybe, but now that we're living together, 200 00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:25,472 I want us to establish a good work-life balance, you know? 201 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,975 I know it's a little Doctor Dolittle-y, 202 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,578 but there will probably be some patients here 203 00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:31,745 for the foreseeable future. 204 00:08:31,779 --> 00:08:32,880 Oh. Okay. 205 00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:34,014 [ Pig squeals ] Wow. 206 00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:35,849 Hm. [ Chuckles ] 207 00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:36,984 [ Macaw squawks ] 208 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,586 Oh, there's that thing, too. 209 00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:41,555 Oh, man. Yeah. 210 00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:44,324 That'll probably go on all night [chuckles] 211 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:47,561 so I think somebody probably needs some codeine. 212 00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,196 Yeah. [ Chuckles nervously ] 213 00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:51,098 I think that's Mrs. Dolittle! 214 00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:59,907 Macaw: Where's my doctor? I need a doctor. 215 00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:03,276 Sounds like somebody lives with a hypochondriac. 216 00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:06,346 And you need to go...there. 217 00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:07,414 [ Pig grunts ] 218 00:09:07,447 --> 00:09:10,751 Hey, hey! I live here, too, okay? 219 00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:12,419 Oh, you want it over here? 220 00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:13,921 There. 221 00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:15,756 [ Pig grunts ] Give it a rest. 222 00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:17,557 You've been screaming all night long. 223 00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:19,793 We've all been through stuff! Move on! 224 00:09:19,827 --> 00:09:21,028 [ Knock on door ] 225 00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,263 Macaw: Where's my doctor? Uh-oh. I need a doctor. 226 00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:24,932 And suddenly it was night. 227 00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:28,301 Hey! Hey. 228 00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:29,803 I brought the rest of your life-coach books. 229 00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:32,806 Oh. I thought the sewer was backing up outside, 230 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:35,275 but the smell is coming from in here. 231 00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:37,477 Yeah, the vet tech guy who cleans up, 232 00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:38,879 he's running a little late. 233 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,614 I wanted to light a scented candle, 234 00:09:40,648 --> 00:09:43,350 but I think there's too much methane in this room. 235 00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:46,386 What is happening here? 236 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,922 Oh, it's actually kind of romantic. 237 00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:50,624 Neville's bringing home his patients 238 00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:52,059 that need extra care at night 239 00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:54,061 so he can spend more time with me. 240 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,429 Maybe it's worth spending a little less time with him 241 00:09:56,463 --> 00:10:00,000 not to have to watch that lizard eat the skin he just shed. 242 00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:01,669 Oh, no, no. It's not that bad. 243 00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:03,170 He's actually really friendly. 244 00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:04,938 Oh. Don't reach in, though. 245 00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:07,340 He's real attached to that dead skin. 246 00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:09,176 If you touch it, he moves like lightning. 247 00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:10,978 [ Gasps ] 248 00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:13,246 You have to put a stop to this right now! 249 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,248 You tell Neville this is your house, too. 250 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:16,650 Macaw: Uh-oh! I need a doctor! 251 00:10:16,684 --> 00:10:18,786 You're supposed to be asleep! 252 00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,788 [ Pig grunts, macaw squawks ] 253 00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:22,622 It's like living in a See 'N Say. 254 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,859 I'm just not comfortable telling Neville 255 00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:27,427 what he can do in his own house. 256 00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:30,030 I mean, you know, this happens all the time. 257 00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:33,533 You move in with a guy, and he's got an old recliner 258 00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:35,803 or a traumatized pig with night terrors, 259 00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:39,206 and, y-you know, you just live with it. 260 00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:40,607 Talk to your husband! 261 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,175 Yeah, I guess you're right. 262 00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:44,544 Hey, while you're here, I promised Neville 263 00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:46,446 I would give Betsy a suppository. 264 00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:48,515 I need you to hold her back legs. 265 00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:49,683 Which one's Betsy? 266 00:10:49,717 --> 00:10:52,019 If I tell you, you won't do it. 267 00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:57,791 Romeo: [ Slurring ] Thy kinsmen are no stop to me... 268 00:10:57,825 --> 00:11:01,995 Okay. Now, Romeo's had 14 shots in an hour. 269 00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:04,397 Now it's gonna get crazy. 270 00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:07,367 This is the high culture you were so desperately craving? 271 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,902 [ Laughs ] 272 00:11:08,936 --> 00:11:10,337 With love's light wings 273 00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:13,741 did I o'er-perch these walls, that -- 274 00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:15,308 That's it. I'm tapping out. 275 00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,376 [ Laughs ] 276 00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:17,878 We can tap out? Cool. Let's go. 277 00:11:17,911 --> 00:11:20,047 No, no. It's not over. This is the best part. 278 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,149 This is when he's gonna make some poor fool 279 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,550 take his place onstage. 280 00:11:23,583 --> 00:11:26,386 You're up, my good man! 281 00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:28,488 [ Applause ] 282 00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:30,090 Yeah! 283 00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:33,927 I shall not profess love to such an unworthy suitor. 284 00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:36,864 I've been on "CSI: New Orleans." I'm out. 285 00:11:36,897 --> 00:11:38,265 Oh. 286 00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:40,934 We need a Juliet! 287 00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:43,403 You! 288 00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:46,206 The one trying to make yourself as small as possible. 289 00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:48,441 You're Juliet. 290 00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:51,178 [ Audience chanting "Juliet!" ] 291 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,680 Oh, no, no, no. Pick somebody else, please. 292 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:56,249 Oh, come on. Loosen up. Come on. 293 00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:58,418 Be hilariously bad, and everyone will have a good laugh. 294 00:11:58,451 --> 00:12:01,088 Oh, now that I know I'll be humiliated, I'd love to stay. 295 00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:03,523 Oh, well, I'm sorry it's not as exciting 296 00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,625 as checking your Jitterbug for messages 297 00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:07,427 and falling asleep to "Blue Bloods." 298 00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:08,862 Oh, so I'm old now? 299 00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:10,397 You're becoming your father. 300 00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,065 No, my father would have never allowed himself 301 00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:13,400 to be dragged here. 302 00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:15,869 You said you wanted to make me happy. 303 00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:16,970 Yeah, well, that was a mistake 304 00:12:17,004 --> 00:12:18,405 that I will never be making again. 305 00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:20,407 You know what? I'm done going out altogether. 306 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,109 Look out, Romeo. 307 00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:27,314 Where is this opening?! 308 00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:32,886 Where's Ben? 309 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,155 Uh, he's staying at his place tonight. 310 00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:36,623 Ohh. 311 00:12:36,656 --> 00:12:39,259 Whatever it is, work it out. 312 00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:42,796 I'm not building you two a house just to destroy my health. 313 00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:44,731 My hammer hand is frozen into a shape 314 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,800 that only works for holding a beer. 315 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:52,172 I think we can both agree that you have a beer hand 316 00:12:52,205 --> 00:12:53,974 that occasionally holds a hammer. 317 00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:58,011 Yeah, but it's no good for cooking and cleaning, 318 00:12:58,045 --> 00:13:00,848 so I reckon you two squatters will have to help with that. 319 00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:03,984 Oh. 320 00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:11,558 Oh, reach me the remote, would ya? 321 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,629 Oh. Damn it. I got a crick. 322 00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:18,098 Oh. Lean away from it. 323 00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,032 Okay. 324 00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:23,103 There we go. Oh, yeah. 325 00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:25,005 Thank you. 326 00:13:25,038 --> 00:13:26,706 There you go. Okay. 327 00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:28,308 Man: ...had a hose that didn't kink 328 00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:30,677 and leak every time you tried to use it? 329 00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:32,812 Oh, you know, you can skip the commercials. 330 00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:34,814 I kinda like 'em. 331 00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:37,951 Yeah. Actually, I do, too. 332 00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:39,286 ...as soon as you turn the water... 333 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,621 Oh, I wouldn't mind having one of those hoses 334 00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,156 that shrivels up when you turn the water off. 335 00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,025 That's cool. 336 00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:48,896 I'd buy one if I could get two for the same price. 337 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,465 Wait for it. 338 00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:53,466 Two for the price of one! 339 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:54,935 Nice! Nice! 340 00:13:58,205 --> 00:14:00,040 Announcer: ...in the forecourt... 341 00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:02,675 Uh-oh. 342 00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:07,080 What? 343 00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:08,748 Well, Ben might be right. 344 00:14:08,781 --> 00:14:11,351 He says I'm becoming you. 345 00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:13,053 Oh, which me? 346 00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:15,722 The devil-may-care man about town... 347 00:14:15,755 --> 00:14:18,358 or the guy that coasts downhill to save gas? 348 00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:23,663 Well, he -- he thinks I'm getting old and boring. 349 00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:26,499 Oh, it sounds like the coasting guy. 350 00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,435 Look, there's no shame in that. 351 00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,570 You have a family, you work hard, 352 00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:33,006 and eventually, your couch becomes 353 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:36,176 your big, cushiony friend that really gets you. 354 00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:37,844 But, I mean, is that so bad? 355 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,846 Not if you're married to one of those anti-couchers 356 00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,548 that believes the hype. 357 00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:45,919 What hype? 358 00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:48,788 That there's a whole interesting world out there. 359 00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:52,459 Louise badgers me to get out and listen to live music 360 00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:53,927 or go to some art fair. 361 00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:56,463 I bitch about it the whole time, but the truth is, 362 00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:58,265 I'm really happy to have someone in my life 363 00:14:58,298 --> 00:15:01,368 to pull me off of this couch sometime. 364 00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:04,471 Wow. So you love Louise more than this couch. 365 00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:06,073 That is not where my money was. 366 00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:12,079 Otherwise, you realize life has passed you by 367 00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:14,914 and you're not really living it. 368 00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:18,551 ** 369 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,087 [ Television playing ] 370 00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:26,293 Oh. [ Chuckles ] I'll get him to move. 371 00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:28,395 Alfonso just does that to get my attention. 372 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:29,796 He's such a diva. 373 00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:33,967 Hey, Neville, how about 374 00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:36,303 let's turn off the TV and just talk? 375 00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:37,837 Sure. Yeah. 376 00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:39,472 While we are talking, 377 00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:43,043 I am going to give this guy a little me time. 378 00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:49,249 You know, ferrets are one of the few animals that can go 379 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:54,087 into a rabbit hole head-first and come out head-first. 380 00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:56,623 One conversation ends, another begins. 381 00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:02,129 Neville, um, I get that you're bringing all these guys home 382 00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:03,663 because you want to spend more time with me, 383 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:06,166 but you're not really spending more time with me. 384 00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:07,534 Oh. [ Scoffs ] 385 00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:09,169 Didn't we have fun cleaning the earwax 386 00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:12,639 out of that chinchilla together? 387 00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:14,974 Well, I thought Fernando was a little more bitey 388 00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:17,144 than appreciative, but the point is 389 00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:19,279 that we're spending a lot of time with the animals 390 00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:21,481 and we're not getting any private time. 391 00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:24,551 I know, but all this keeps life pretty interesting, doesn't it? 392 00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:26,019 Interesting is a puppy. 393 00:16:26,053 --> 00:16:28,388 All this -- This is a documentary that ends 394 00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:31,391 with the neighbors going, "Well, we saw that comin'." 395 00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:37,397 We don't need all of this to make our life interesting. 396 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:40,900 But maybe we do. 397 00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:43,236 I don't understand. 398 00:16:43,270 --> 00:16:46,306 When we were dating and we ran out of things to say, 399 00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:49,376 it was always just, "Goodbye. See you tomorrow." 400 00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:53,380 But you're the first person I've actually ever lived with. 401 00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:55,748 I -- [ Sighs ] 402 00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:57,550 I don't know if I'm interesting enough. 403 00:16:57,584 --> 00:16:59,352 [ Gasps ] Neville! 404 00:16:59,386 --> 00:17:02,189 I-If I run out of things to say, you're just gonna see 405 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:05,258 this kind of boring, awkward guy staring at you. 406 00:17:05,292 --> 00:17:06,726 Are you kidding me? 407 00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:09,062 You're, like, the most interesting person that I know. 408 00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:11,498 And do you honestly think that I would stop loving you 409 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,933 if there's a lull in the conversation? 410 00:17:13,966 --> 00:17:18,371 Well, not if there's an adorable ferret in my lap! 411 00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:21,941 Okay, you don't have to worry about silence with me. 412 00:17:21,974 --> 00:17:25,044 If you don't have anything to say, it's okay. 413 00:17:26,613 --> 00:17:28,948 See? I have nothing to say! 414 00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:31,351 Silence doesn't mean that there's something wrong. 415 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,120 It's like music, you know? 416 00:17:33,153 --> 00:17:35,255 There's the notes, there's the space in between, 417 00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:39,859 but you got to have them both to make a beautiful song. 418 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,361 You think we make good music? 419 00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,230 Yeah, I do, but we've got to get rid 420 00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:45,732 of all of these backup singers. 421 00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:51,104 And I called the office. 422 00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:52,705 Some of these guys are just being boarded. 423 00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:54,574 They're not even sick. Neville! 424 00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:57,277 You had me put a suppository in a duck 425 00:17:57,310 --> 00:17:59,646 that was, like, basically on vacation. 426 00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:04,451 She doesn't really need them. She just likes them. 427 00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:08,788 ** 428 00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:10,089 Ben: Hey. 429 00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:12,792 Hey. 430 00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:15,228 You sleep okay? 431 00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:16,763 Yeah, yeah. Fine. 432 00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:18,064 I just came by to get your dad. 433 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,333 We're gonna finish up some plumbing at the new house. 434 00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:23,436 We have a working bathroom now, but the walls aren't up, 435 00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:25,472 so if you're in the middle of things 436 00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:28,708 and you see a car coming, it's a lot of pressure. 437 00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:36,449 Okay. I'll just say it. 438 00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:39,118 Um, I'm sorry about what happened at the play. 439 00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,789 Yeah, after you left, they, uh -- 440 00:18:42,822 --> 00:18:46,593 they picked me to play Juliet. 441 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,861 And I played her more strong than pretty. 442 00:18:51,864 --> 00:18:53,833 I'm sorry I missed that... [ Chuckles ] 443 00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:55,968 ...is something you're supposed to say. 444 00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:57,537 [ Laughs ] 445 00:18:57,570 --> 00:19:00,173 Anyway, you're right. I-I -- Sometimes I need a little push 446 00:19:00,207 --> 00:19:02,475 to get out of the house, so thank you. 447 00:19:02,509 --> 00:19:04,977 Oh. I appreciate that. 448 00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:08,047 Alright. So how's this? 449 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:11,218 We commit to going out at least two nights a week. 450 00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:12,652 Mm-hmm. 451 00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:14,687 On my night, we do an activity 452 00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:17,457 that normal people do, 453 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,292 and on your night, 454 00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:23,363 we do some pretentious, insufferable artsy thing 455 00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:26,666 that makes me wish I was dead. 456 00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:29,402 Okay, so I get some creativity to feed my soul 457 00:19:29,436 --> 00:19:31,037 and it annoys the hell out of you? 458 00:19:31,070 --> 00:19:32,239 Oh, I'm so in. 459 00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:34,341 Okay. Don't get excited. 460 00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:35,708 I got some rules about your night. 461 00:19:35,742 --> 00:19:37,877 [ Groans ] Such as? 462 00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:41,381 No audience participation of any kind, 463 00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:45,184 only one thing a year with the word "festival" in it, 464 00:19:45,218 --> 00:19:47,354 no cover bands... [ Sighs ] 465 00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:49,956 ...and, no, I do not want to "see all the cool 'merch.'" 466 00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:55,895 But I love my "Hamilton" three-corner hat. 467 00:19:55,928 --> 00:19:57,564 And if you hadn't worn it to bed, 468 00:19:57,597 --> 00:19:59,566 we wouldn't be having this conversation. 469 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,904 Well, what if I wear it on my head next time? 470 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:11,644 ** 471 00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:01,561 [ Falsetto voice ] All are punished, then this 472 00:21:02,429 --> 00:21:05,164 of Juliet and her Romeo. 473 00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:07,066 Ohh! 474 00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,836 Hey, hey! That dagger's not as happy as we are, 475 00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:11,338 'cause you finally stopped talking! 476 00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:13,773 [ Laughter ] Yeah, hey! 477 00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:17,143 I was a better Juliet, and I have a beard! 478 00:21:17,176 --> 00:21:19,979 I had to help give a duck a suppository, 479 00:21:20,012 --> 00:21:21,548 and this is worse! 480 00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:26,185 [ Normal voice ] That's my family. They came to support me. 481 00:21:26,218 --> 00:21:27,119 Hey!