1
00:00:02,959 --> 00:00:07,050
♪♪

2
00:00:07,094 --> 00:00:09,270
Hey, have you seen Ben's
nose-hair trimmer?

3
00:00:09,313 --> 00:00:12,273
Oh, it's not really
a shareable tool, Dad.

4
00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:14,623
I'm not gonna
put it up my nose.

5
00:00:14,666 --> 00:00:17,234
I need it to trim
the little bumps off my sweater.

6
00:00:17,278 --> 00:00:18,670
I can't stop
playing with them.

7
00:00:18,714 --> 00:00:21,282
I-I'm gonna end up
making a hole.

8
00:00:21,325 --> 00:00:23,371
Hey, um,
come take a look

9
00:00:23,414 --> 00:00:25,373
at what I just found
on Mark's computer.

10
00:00:25,416 --> 00:00:28,419
You shouldn't be looking
at your kid's computer.

11
00:00:28,463 --> 00:00:30,291
But if it's porn,
it's not that big a deal

12
00:00:30,334 --> 00:00:32,641
to find sexy pictures
of some guy.

13
00:00:32,684 --> 00:00:34,208
Or Angie Dickinson.

14
00:00:36,210 --> 00:00:37,863
No, it's not that.

15
00:00:37,907 --> 00:00:41,954
It's a spreadsheet of his
top ten picks of colleges.

16
00:00:41,998 --> 00:00:43,434
Don't tell him
I was snooping,

17
00:00:43,478 --> 00:00:45,436
but there's eight that are
on the East and West Coast

18
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:47,960
and there's only two
that are close by.

19
00:00:48,004 --> 00:00:49,919
Well, I don't know
how youfeel about that,

20
00:00:49,962 --> 00:00:52,052
but I think it's great
he wants to get away from home

21
00:00:52,095 --> 00:00:53,096
and experience
something new.

22
00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:57,144
Yeah, that's what
I was thinking.

23
00:00:57,187 --> 00:00:59,189
Well, I'm glad
you see it that way,

24
00:00:59,233 --> 00:01:01,887
because the more you try
to keep your kid home,

25
00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:05,152
I promise you, that makes them
want to leave even more.

26
00:01:05,195 --> 00:01:07,850
Yeah. Why would I do that?
Leaving home is healthy.

27
00:01:07,893 --> 00:01:10,635
Exactly!
And you know what's even worse?

28
00:01:10,679 --> 00:01:13,856
Sometimes when you tell them
to stay, they do.

29
00:01:15,771 --> 00:01:17,903
You know what?
When you look at it --

30
00:01:17,947 --> 00:01:19,905
New York, Seattle,
San Francisco --

31
00:01:19,949 --> 00:01:21,603
these are all
fun cities.

32
00:01:21,646 --> 00:01:23,257
I don't quite
get Delaware,

33
00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:25,346
but I guess what happens there
stays there

34
00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:28,262
'cause no one really knows
where it is.

35
00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:30,220
What you guys doing in here?
Talking about me?

36
00:01:30,264 --> 00:01:33,136
You got something to say,
you can say it to my face!

37
00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:35,356
We weren't,
but you're annoying.

38
00:01:35,399 --> 00:01:37,358
There. You happy?

39
00:01:37,401 --> 00:01:38,707
I just heard voices
upstairs.

40
00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:40,230
I thought maybe
something interesting

41
00:01:40,274 --> 00:01:41,927
might be happening
without me.

42
00:01:41,971 --> 00:01:45,235
Nope. Darlene was showing me
Mark's list of colleges.

43
00:01:45,279 --> 00:01:47,063
Almost all of them
are as far away from Lanford

44
00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,586
as you can get.

45
00:01:48,630 --> 00:01:50,240
[ Quietly ]
And his mother.

46
00:01:50,284 --> 00:01:52,895
Oh. Ohh.
Is she okay with that?

47
00:01:52,938 --> 00:01:55,724
She says she is,
but I see a hugeasteroid

48
00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:57,204
hurtling towards us.

49
00:01:57,247 --> 00:01:59,554
Hey. What's going on?
I heard voices upstairs.

50
00:01:59,597 --> 00:02:01,164
I thought something
interesting was happening.

51
00:02:02,513 --> 00:02:04,341
That the last
pudding cup?

52
00:02:05,386 --> 00:02:07,301
Yes.

53
00:02:07,344 --> 00:02:09,346
Thanks for
bringing it up.

54
00:02:10,652 --> 00:02:12,306
So, Dan was telling me
about Mark

55
00:02:12,349 --> 00:02:14,699
picking some
faraway colleges.

56
00:02:14,743 --> 00:02:17,441
What? I didn't know he was
looking at out-of-state schools.

57
00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:18,616
You okay with that?

58
00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:21,271
I think it's great. Why?
Do you have a problem with it?

59
00:02:21,315 --> 00:02:23,317
Because it's what
nature intends.

60
00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:25,449
I mean, you wouldn't know that
because you don't have kids,

61
00:02:25,493 --> 00:02:27,712
but they're supposed to
leave the nest.

62
00:02:27,756 --> 00:02:29,366
It's a big, exciting world
out there.

63
00:02:29,410 --> 00:02:32,239
And don't stand
in his way, Ben!

64
00:02:32,282 --> 00:02:34,676
Phew.
What was that?

65
00:02:34,719 --> 00:02:37,244
The asteroid can now be seen
by the naked eye.

66
00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:41,770
Well, that made even less
sense than what shesaid.

67
00:02:41,813 --> 00:02:43,337
And you know what?
I deserve pudding

68
00:02:43,380 --> 00:02:45,339
as much as anybody else
in this house!

69
00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:51,475
♪♪

70
00:02:51,519 --> 00:02:57,394
♪♪

71
00:02:57,438 --> 00:03:02,443
♪♪

72
00:03:06,925 --> 00:03:08,100
"The Conners" is filmed

73
00:03:08,144 --> 00:03:09,363
in front of
a live studio audience.

74
00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:11,887
Hey. You have to
tell your family

75
00:03:11,930 --> 00:03:14,846
to stop using my nose-hair
trimmer for other things!

76
00:03:16,457 --> 00:03:19,416
Sneezed out something
navy blue yesterday.

77
00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:22,027
Hey, you guys, good news!
I got a job!

78
00:03:22,071 --> 00:03:23,072
Hey! Alright!

79
00:03:23,115 --> 00:03:25,988
Wow! A job?

80
00:03:26,031 --> 00:03:27,424
Huh! You went out
and got one on your own?

81
00:03:27,468 --> 00:03:28,904
That's unusual
in this family.

82
00:03:28,947 --> 00:03:30,340
Not, like, court-mandated
or anything?

83
00:03:30,384 --> 00:03:33,300
[ Laughs ]
Well, so, what's the job?

84
00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:34,997
What, are you a ticket taker
at the movies?

85
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,956
Paper boy?
A soda jerk?

86
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:39,784
I'm not a teenager
in the 1950s.

87
00:03:39,828 --> 00:03:41,830
Yeah.

88
00:03:41,873 --> 00:03:43,440
You do kinda dress
like one.

89
00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:47,183
I'm bagging groceries
at the Whole Foods

90
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,663
on the niceside of town.
Oh.

91
00:03:48,706 --> 00:03:50,447
All the customers
wear yoga pants

92
00:03:50,491 --> 00:03:52,101
and have tiny dogs
in strollers.

93
00:03:52,144 --> 00:03:55,409
Oh, yeah. You can tell
it was made for rich people.

94
00:03:55,452 --> 00:03:56,888
In the bathrooms,
they don't even put locks

95
00:03:56,932 --> 00:03:59,326
on their
toilet-paper rolls.

96
00:03:59,369 --> 00:04:00,979
Oh, they will after wehit 'em
a couple times.

97
00:04:01,023 --> 00:04:02,285
[ Laughs ]

98
00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:03,547
It's --
It's gonna be great

99
00:04:03,591 --> 00:04:05,070
for me to make money
for college,

100
00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:06,898
but I need to get
my driver's license.

101
00:04:06,942 --> 00:04:08,204
Wow.

102
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:12,252
College and driver's license
and a job.

103
00:04:12,295 --> 00:04:14,166
You're growing up a little fast,
aren't you?

104
00:04:14,210 --> 00:04:16,517
Or it's the exact right speed.
Beer?

105
00:04:19,868 --> 00:04:22,000
Yeah.
To growing up.

106
00:04:22,044 --> 00:04:23,306
If you're worried about me,
don't.

107
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:25,090
I'm gonna be a safe driver,

108
00:04:25,134 --> 00:04:26,614
and you just have to
practice driving with me

109
00:04:26,657 --> 00:04:27,876
so I can take the test.

110
00:04:27,919 --> 00:04:29,530
We can make it fun,
too.

111
00:04:29,573 --> 00:04:31,575
We can drive around
historical sites in the city.

112
00:04:31,619 --> 00:04:34,361
Yeah, that's a good three
or four blocks to explore.

113
00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:35,884
[ Silverware rattles ]

114
00:04:35,927 --> 00:04:39,409
Okay, driving buddy,
it's a date.

115
00:04:39,453 --> 00:04:41,455
Oh, I just gotta duct-tape
the side-view mirror

116
00:04:41,498 --> 00:04:43,805
back on the car, and then
we are street-legal, baby!

117
00:04:43,848 --> 00:04:45,415
Thank you.

118
00:04:45,459 --> 00:04:46,764
Hey.

119
00:04:46,808 --> 00:04:48,853
Somebody gave me tickets
to see Chicago tonight

120
00:04:48,897 --> 00:04:50,420
at Ravinia.

121
00:04:50,464 --> 00:04:53,249
They're down to three
original members, some randos,

122
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:55,425
and a 9-year-old girl drummer
who's an Internet phenom!

123
00:04:55,469 --> 00:04:56,992
Who wants to go?

124
00:04:57,035 --> 00:04:58,950
I'm...busy.

125
00:04:58,994 --> 00:05:01,257
Sorry, Becky. Ben and I
planned a date night.

126
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,606
Yeah, I'm out too.

127
00:05:02,650 --> 00:05:06,567
Neville bought a pottery wheel,
so we're gonna --

128
00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:09,570
we're gonna reenact
that scene from "Ghost."

129
00:05:09,613 --> 00:05:10,658
Ugh!

130
00:05:10,701 --> 00:05:12,399
What?!

131
00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:13,835
I get a night
with my man,

132
00:05:13,878 --> 00:05:16,359
you guys get a misshapen
fruit bowl for Christmas.

133
00:05:17,621 --> 00:05:19,623
Hey, why don't you
take a date, Becky?

134
00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:21,364
[ Doorbell rings ]So, in your mind,
I had a date,

135
00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:23,627
but I'd rather go
with you losers?

136
00:05:23,671 --> 00:05:25,237
[ Laughs ] Okay.

137
00:05:29,764 --> 00:05:31,722
Hey! What's up?

138
00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:33,637
You want to go
to a concert?

139
00:05:33,681 --> 00:05:35,639
It might give the remaining
three Chicago members

140
00:05:35,683 --> 00:05:38,425
a reason to live.

141
00:05:38,468 --> 00:05:41,950
I'd love to, but I'm just
stopping by on my way to work.

142
00:05:41,993 --> 00:05:43,821
I brought you
some good news.Oh, I could use some.

143
00:05:47,521 --> 00:05:49,000
These are
divorce papers.

144
00:05:50,959 --> 00:05:53,048
You got
your green card!

145
00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:55,050
I know.
Isn't that great?

146
00:05:55,093 --> 00:05:56,486
And now you don't
have to tell people

147
00:05:56,530 --> 00:05:59,184
you have a husband
while you're dating.

148
00:05:59,228 --> 00:06:00,447
Uh...

149
00:06:00,490 --> 00:06:03,580
Oh,
and look at this.

150
00:06:03,624 --> 00:06:07,497
A save-the-date card
for your wedding!

151
00:06:07,541 --> 00:06:10,413
Right inside
the divorce papers.

152
00:06:10,457 --> 00:06:12,284
It's kind of like saying,
"Get out of my life

153
00:06:12,328 --> 00:06:14,199
unless you're bringing me
a present."

154
00:06:14,243 --> 00:06:17,507
No, no, no, no. Gabriela
put on there "no presents."

155
00:06:17,551 --> 00:06:19,466
We feel blessed just
to have your company.

156
00:06:19,509 --> 00:06:21,424
You can bring someone
if you like.

157
00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:23,513
Uh, does it have to be a person?
Can it be a cat?

158
00:06:23,557 --> 00:06:25,385
'Cause that's kind of
where I'm headed.

159
00:06:26,821 --> 00:06:29,476
Anyway,
I hope you'll be there.

160
00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:32,000
Thank you.
But probably not.

161
00:06:32,043 --> 00:06:33,436
Your wife
would be jealous

162
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:36,265
because I'd be all hot
and everything.

163
00:06:36,308 --> 00:06:38,702
But I am gonna get you
a present.

164
00:06:38,746 --> 00:06:41,531
I already ordered
a one-of-a-kind fruit bowl!

165
00:06:46,580 --> 00:06:47,624
You're doing great.

166
00:06:47,668 --> 00:06:49,496
You mean
that merge, right?

167
00:06:49,539 --> 00:06:51,628
That was
one hell of a merge.

168
00:06:51,672 --> 00:06:54,457
Of course, this is Lanford.
Not a lot of cars to merge into.

169
00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:57,765
Not like, I don't know,
San Francisco.

170
00:06:57,808 --> 00:07:00,898
Hills, fog,
trolley cars,

171
00:07:00,942 --> 00:07:03,684
you know,
people diving off of bridges,

172
00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:05,990
hearts that were
left behind.

173
00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:08,340
Now you're just saying
a bunch of words.

174
00:07:08,384 --> 00:07:10,691
And why'd you pick
San Francisco?

175
00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:12,214
No reason.
It's just...

176
00:07:12,257 --> 00:07:15,478
an example of a big city
with a lot of traffic.

177
00:07:16,653 --> 00:07:18,525
Oh. Oh, oh, oh.
We're coming up to a stop sign.

178
00:07:18,568 --> 00:07:20,048
Are you ready?
Yes, I'm ready.

179
00:07:20,091 --> 00:07:21,571
Okay, if you're so ready,
why are you looking at me?

180
00:07:21,615 --> 00:07:23,617
Because you keep
talking to me.Mark, slow down!

181
00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:25,923
Slow down! Damn it! You just
rolled through a stop sign!

182
00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:27,882
If you'd have done that
in San Francisco,

183
00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:29,492
you could've rolled
right over a hippie!

184
00:07:31,712 --> 00:07:34,105
Why are you
yelling at me?

185
00:07:34,149 --> 00:07:37,326
Well, I'm sorry, but if you're
so anxious to be independent,

186
00:07:37,369 --> 00:07:38,893
then you have to
pay attention.

187
00:07:38,936 --> 00:07:40,416
People are crazy.

188
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,983
They're -- They're
watching TikTok videos

189
00:07:42,026 --> 00:07:44,594
and they're texting,
and then there are those guys

190
00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:47,336
that are dancing and
spinning signs on every corner.

191
00:07:47,379 --> 00:07:50,382
It's hard not to watch. Some
of them are really talented.

192
00:07:50,426 --> 00:07:52,559
I know, but you're
stressing me out!

193
00:07:52,602 --> 00:07:53,516
You have to calm down.

194
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,257
I am fine!

195
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:57,694
I am fine, okay?!
Now just drive!

196
00:08:02,394 --> 00:08:04,788
And remember that any mistake
you make in this car

197
00:08:04,832 --> 00:08:06,790
could be your last, okay?

198
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:08,705
And you could take someone
with you.

199
00:08:08,749 --> 00:08:11,578
[ Quietly ] I know who
I'd like it to be.

200
00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:12,753
If you're mumbling
death threats,

201
00:08:12,796 --> 00:08:14,929
then you're not focusing
on the road.

202
00:08:14,972 --> 00:08:17,409
♪♪

203
00:08:17,453 --> 00:08:20,543
Well, finally did it.
I joined a dating app.

204
00:08:20,587 --> 00:08:22,327
Oh, good for you.

205
00:08:22,371 --> 00:08:24,808
Whose dog are you holding
in your profile picture?

206
00:08:24,852 --> 00:08:26,549
Oh. I took that picture
down at the shelter.

207
00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:28,203
They let you hold them
and everything.

208
00:08:28,246 --> 00:08:29,857
It's a good way to reel in
the nice guys.

209
00:08:31,162 --> 00:08:32,990
And I'll adopt Lucky
if I find a guy with a house,

210
00:08:33,034 --> 00:08:34,775
but it's got to be
within three weeks.

211
00:08:34,818 --> 00:08:37,821
There's a bit of a clock
on Lucky.

212
00:08:37,865 --> 00:08:40,128
Worst
reality show ever.

213
00:08:40,171 --> 00:08:42,130
"Marry Me
or the Dog Gets It."

214
00:08:44,132 --> 00:08:47,309
But I am happy you're
finally moving on from Aldo.

215
00:08:47,352 --> 00:08:49,790
Yeah, it was hard,
but, uh,

216
00:08:49,833 --> 00:08:51,618
I've already been texting
with this one guy.

217
00:08:51,661 --> 00:08:53,402
He seems cool.
His name's Steve.

218
00:08:54,838 --> 00:08:56,361
How old is this guy?

219
00:08:56,405 --> 00:08:58,581
Late 30s. I think
I'm gonna ask him out.

220
00:08:58,625 --> 00:09:00,191
Well, I gotta go.

221
00:09:00,235 --> 00:09:02,193
I'm giving a woman
a tattoo of Todd Rundgren

222
00:09:02,237 --> 00:09:04,718
in a "Where's Waldo?" outfit
saying, "Hello, It's Me."

223
00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:08,765
We've got a problem.

224
00:09:08,809 --> 00:09:10,767
I know. Harris never
pays for lunch.

225
00:09:10,811 --> 00:09:12,769
No!

226
00:09:12,813 --> 00:09:15,729
I went out with the guy
that Harris likes online.

227
00:09:15,772 --> 00:09:17,687
I don't remember
exactly how it ended,

228
00:09:17,731 --> 00:09:20,124
but there was a lot of yelling
and it was really bad.

229
00:09:20,168 --> 00:09:22,997
Oh, crap. You gotta warn her.
Why don't you remember?

230
00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:25,303
Is that back
when you were drinking?

231
00:09:25,347 --> 00:09:27,654
I didn't black out
because I was too sober!

232
00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:34,399
I better check him out before
Harris gets in any deeper.

233
00:09:34,443 --> 00:09:36,619
Well, you know what I'd do
if I was you?

234
00:09:38,055 --> 00:09:39,840
I'd wear a wire.

235
00:09:41,537 --> 00:09:42,843
Why?
Do you think it's safer?

236
00:09:42,886 --> 00:09:45,106
Ah, not really.
I just wanna listen.

237
00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:48,631
♪♪

238
00:09:48,675 --> 00:09:49,850
Ben!
Hmm?

239
00:09:49,893 --> 00:09:51,373
Get in here.

240
00:09:51,416 --> 00:09:53,157
Where's my mom?

241
00:09:53,201 --> 00:09:55,595
Oh, she's at the new house
micromanaging the electrician.

242
00:09:55,638 --> 00:09:57,640
He's probably this close

243
00:09:57,684 --> 00:10:00,121
to sticking his tongue
in the electrical panel.

244
00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:04,081
I need you to take me
to my driving test.

245
00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:07,694
Oh, Mark, now, I know your mom's
been kind of intense lately,

246
00:10:07,737 --> 00:10:09,826
but being there
when you get your license

247
00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:11,523
is important to her.

248
00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:13,047
And I don't know
if you've noticed,

249
00:10:13,090 --> 00:10:16,746
but your mom's disappointment
rolls downhill.

250
00:10:16,790 --> 00:10:19,923
And so,
by the time it gets to me,

251
00:10:19,967 --> 00:10:23,405
that ball is covered
in goat heads and barbed wire.

252
00:10:23,448 --> 00:10:26,277
I-I know, but she'll
make me so paranoid

253
00:10:26,321 --> 00:10:29,324
and insane on the way over that
I'll freeze up and I'll fail.

254
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:32,370
Come on.
You gotta help me...Dad.

255
00:10:32,414 --> 00:10:35,547
[ Laughs ] Okay.

256
00:10:35,591 --> 00:10:37,898
Oh, we're gonna play
that game, huh? Okay.

257
00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:40,204
Well...look...

258
00:10:40,248 --> 00:10:42,859
my youngest...

259
00:10:42,903 --> 00:10:45,949
I am happy to deceive
your mother for a good cause,

260
00:10:45,993 --> 00:10:48,125
but how are we gonna
keep it from her?

261
00:10:48,169 --> 00:10:49,953
Okay.
Here's the plan.

262
00:10:49,997 --> 00:10:51,781
You take me to get my license
in the morning,

263
00:10:51,825 --> 00:10:53,174
and then both of you
take me

264
00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:55,567
to a different DMV
in the afternoon.

265
00:10:55,611 --> 00:10:58,048
You'll distract her while I go
outside for about 20 minutes

266
00:10:58,092 --> 00:11:00,268
and pretend to
take my driving test.

267
00:11:00,311 --> 00:11:02,836
Then I'll come back in,
say I passed because of her,

268
00:11:02,879 --> 00:11:06,753
and the goat-head ball rolls
past you and hits Harris.

269
00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:10,104
Ha. There is one thing
I can say about you Conners.

270
00:11:10,147 --> 00:11:12,410
There is not an honest man
amongst you.

271
00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:20,244
Oh, hey. What's up?
It's your day off.

272
00:11:20,288 --> 00:11:22,943
I texted that guy Steve.
He's meeting me here.

273
00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:25,728
Good idea. Vet him in person.
What'd you say to him?

274
00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:28,600
I told him I'm sober now,
working my steps,

275
00:11:28,644 --> 00:11:30,037
and I asked him
to help me

276
00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:31,473
fill in some of the gaps
from that time.

277
00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:32,909
Becky, come on.

278
00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:34,955
He's never gonna admit
to the bad things he did

279
00:11:34,998 --> 00:11:36,608
if he thinks
you don't remember them.

280
00:11:36,652 --> 00:11:39,742
Now, when I was
on the force...

281
00:11:39,786 --> 00:11:41,831
somebody wouldn't sing,
we'd take 'em in the back,

282
00:11:41,875 --> 00:11:43,833
uh,
turn off the cameras,

283
00:11:43,877 --> 00:11:45,879
make him read the phone book
with his ear.

284
00:11:48,229 --> 00:11:50,144
You know
what I'm saying?

285
00:11:50,187 --> 00:11:52,320
I do,
after you acted it out.

286
00:11:55,584 --> 00:11:58,108
Hey, Becky.
Steve!

287
00:11:58,152 --> 00:12:00,545
Thank you so much
for helping me out.

288
00:12:00,589 --> 00:12:02,852
I gotta say, I was kinda shocked
when you texted me.

289
00:12:02,896 --> 00:12:05,812
Oh. "Shocked" is an
interesting choice of words.

290
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:07,465
Why do you say that?

291
00:12:07,509 --> 00:12:09,685
Well, you know,
'cause it ended so badly.

292
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:13,297
Yep. Crazy night.

293
00:12:13,341 --> 00:12:15,169
But that's why
you're here.

294
00:12:15,212 --> 00:12:17,171
Uh, no judgment,

295
00:12:17,214 --> 00:12:20,522
but I'd like to hear
how youremember that night.

296
00:12:20,565 --> 00:12:24,221
Okay. Well, uh, after you drank
the half bottle of tequila,

297
00:12:24,265 --> 00:12:26,746
you went outside and knocked
over a line of motorcycles.

298
00:12:26,789 --> 00:12:28,878
When the bikers
confronted you, you said,

299
00:12:28,922 --> 00:12:30,575
"If you don't like it,
take it up with my boyfriend.

300
00:12:30,619 --> 00:12:32,403
He can kick
your pansy asses."

301
00:12:33,709 --> 00:12:34,884
Wow.

302
00:12:34,928 --> 00:12:37,104
You didn't do anything
to start that?

303
00:12:37,147 --> 00:12:40,498
Because I remember
you screaming at me.

304
00:12:40,542 --> 00:12:42,587
I was screaming,
"Becky, call the cops!

305
00:12:42,631 --> 00:12:44,459
They're breaking
my hand!"

306
00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:47,810
Okay. That was
the missing piece.

307
00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:50,291
Oh. I am so sorry.

308
00:12:50,334 --> 00:12:52,859
I can't believe
you even came here at all!

309
00:12:52,902 --> 00:12:54,904
I really liked you
before you got drunk.

310
00:12:54,948 --> 00:12:56,471
Now that you're sober,
I figured

311
00:12:56,514 --> 00:12:58,560
I'd give you
the benefit of the doubt.

312
00:12:58,603 --> 00:12:59,866
I-I hope now that you've
straightened your life out,

313
00:12:59,909 --> 00:13:01,215
you're happy?

314
00:13:01,258 --> 00:13:02,869
Are you married?

315
00:13:02,912 --> 00:13:05,219
Ha.
Funny you should ask.

316
00:13:05,262 --> 00:13:08,396
My second husband just served
me divorce papers yesterday.

317
00:13:10,137 --> 00:13:12,661
And the first one's dead.

318
00:13:12,704 --> 00:13:14,881
Sounds like I got off easy
with just a shattered hand.

319
00:13:14,924 --> 00:13:16,621
[ Laughs ]

320
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,104
Hey, uh,
what about a do-over?

321
00:13:21,148 --> 00:13:22,932
Any chance you wanna
grab dinner?

322
00:13:22,976 --> 00:13:25,805
Wow. I'm flattered,
but I wouldn't want to

323
00:13:25,848 --> 00:13:28,590
come between anybody you
were thinking of asking out.

324
00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:33,073
You know? A fresh start
instead of a retread.

325
00:13:33,116 --> 00:13:35,771
I'm texting a couple people,
but nobody serious.

326
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,686
Come on. I've had three
surgeries on my hand.

327
00:13:37,729 --> 00:13:40,776
You at least
owe me a meal.

328
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,473
Oh, I guess I do.

329
00:13:42,517 --> 00:13:43,692
Great.

330
00:13:43,735 --> 00:13:45,563
Uh, you know
what we need?

331
00:13:45,607 --> 00:13:47,435
Is some sugar.

332
00:13:47,478 --> 00:13:49,002
We haven't ordered
anything.

333
00:13:49,045 --> 00:13:51,526
Oh, and, um, coffee
to put the sugar in.

334
00:13:51,569 --> 00:13:52,396
Be right back.

335
00:13:55,617 --> 00:13:57,924
What's the verdict?
He a good guy for Harris?

336
00:13:57,967 --> 00:14:00,143
I don't know. I was the one
who caused all the problems.

337
00:14:00,187 --> 00:14:02,885
Mm. Okay.

338
00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:05,932
I'm gonna try and act surprised
and make you feel good.

339
00:14:05,975 --> 00:14:07,237
It was you?!

340
00:14:11,024 --> 00:14:15,985
There's that love and support
that helped me get sober.

341
00:14:16,029 --> 00:14:18,118
Anyway...

342
00:14:18,161 --> 00:14:20,990
I didn't really get a chance
to feel him out yet.

343
00:14:21,034 --> 00:14:24,428
He asked me out for dinner.
That's a bad idea, right?

344
00:14:24,472 --> 00:14:27,040
Harris is really vulnerable
right now.

345
00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:29,129
Look, just because you were
a bad person back then

346
00:14:29,172 --> 00:14:30,347
doesn't mean
that he's a good person now.

347
00:14:30,391 --> 00:14:31,653
You got to check him out.

348
00:14:31,696 --> 00:14:34,221
You got to help her
make a good choice.

349
00:14:34,264 --> 00:14:37,920
Oh, yeah. Good choices
are what I'm all about.

350
00:14:37,964 --> 00:14:39,835
I'm your gal!

351
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:43,012
♪♪

352
00:14:43,056 --> 00:14:45,145
I wonder how
the driving test is going.

353
00:14:45,188 --> 00:14:48,191
Mark was so confident
when he went out to take it.

354
00:14:48,235 --> 00:14:51,673
Well, that's on you for being
such an incredible teacher.

355
00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:53,109
Huh?

356
00:14:53,153 --> 00:14:55,982
If I was you,
I would feel proud.

357
00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:58,985
And nothing else
right now.

358
00:14:59,028 --> 00:15:01,074
Oh, crap.

359
00:15:01,117 --> 00:15:03,728
I just remembered
my left turn signal's out.

360
00:15:03,772 --> 00:15:04,991
I better let
somebody know

361
00:15:05,034 --> 00:15:06,731
so Mark doesn't lose
any points for it.

362
00:15:06,775 --> 00:15:09,169
No, no. Hey, hey. Don't worry
about Mark. He's smart.

363
00:15:09,212 --> 00:15:11,127
When he goes to put on
that turn signal,

364
00:15:11,171 --> 00:15:12,912
he'll just make that clicking
sound with his tongue.

365
00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:15,305
Tck-tck-tck-tck.
They'll never know.

366
00:15:19,962 --> 00:15:22,965
Excuse me. Um, my son is taking
his driving test right now,

367
00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:25,011
and I'm wondering --What's your son's name?

368
00:15:25,054 --> 00:15:27,056
Oh.
Uh, Mark Conner-Healy.

369
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:28,666
Okay.

370
00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:30,755
[ Keyboard clacking ]

371
00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:32,496
Says here that your son
took the test at 9:00 a.m.

372
00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:34,498
this morning
and passed it.

373
00:15:46,902 --> 00:15:47,990
How 'bout that, Ben?

374
00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:49,992
I'm such a good teacher

375
00:15:50,036 --> 00:15:53,430
that Mark passed his test
before he even got here.

376
00:15:56,477 --> 00:15:59,262
Before you do anything,
look around.

377
00:15:59,306 --> 00:16:01,438
There's a lot of cameras
in here.

378
00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:07,531
I passed! Thanks for
all your help, Mom.

379
00:16:07,575 --> 00:16:09,229
I couldn't have done it
without you.

380
00:16:10,665 --> 00:16:12,232
Ben, stop gesturing.

381
00:16:14,712 --> 00:16:17,237
I know you went to take the test
this morning with him.

382
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:21,023
God. You had one lie
and you fell apart.

383
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:23,504
I am sorry
I lied to you.

384
00:16:23,547 --> 00:16:25,332
I'm sorry I didn't lie
to her better.

385
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:30,728
I'm going to the vending machine
to eat my shame.

386
00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:33,122
Why did you ask him
to take you to your test?

387
00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:34,689
Because every time
I got in the car with you,

388
00:16:34,732 --> 00:16:37,387
you turned into
the "Whiplash" guy.

389
00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:39,433
It's like I was doing
something wrong.

390
00:16:39,476 --> 00:16:42,044
I'm just trying to
save money for college.

391
00:16:42,088 --> 00:16:44,090
Well, you better
get paid in euros,

392
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:46,788
'cause for all I know, your
safety schools are in Europe.

393
00:16:48,181 --> 00:16:49,791
What are you
talking about?

394
00:16:49,834 --> 00:16:51,619
I saw the spreadsheet
on your computer.

395
00:16:51,662 --> 00:16:53,273
Most of the places
you're applying to

396
00:16:53,316 --> 00:16:57,320
are as far away from me
as you can get.

397
00:16:57,364 --> 00:17:00,062
Is -- Is that why
you've been acting so crazy?

398
00:17:02,891 --> 00:17:06,199
Was I that horrible of a mom
that you just have to get away?

399
00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:10,116
No. No, no.
It's not about you at all.

400
00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:13,423
Mom, I'm a gay kid
in a tiny town in the Midwest.

401
00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:15,251
It's not about
getting away from you.

402
00:17:15,295 --> 00:17:17,079
It's about getting away
from here.

403
00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:20,039
Didn't you move away to Chicago
to get away from Lanford?

404
00:17:20,082 --> 00:17:23,042
Well, yeah, but my mom
wasn't as great as yours is.

405
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,915
And I always could
drive back on the weekends.

406
00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:29,222
I feel like
I'm never gonna see you.

407
00:17:29,265 --> 00:17:32,355
Mom, you know, you didn't just
teach me how to drive away.

408
00:17:32,399 --> 00:17:34,879
You also taught me
how to drive back.

409
00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:37,143
With flares and protective
weather gear in the trunk

410
00:17:37,186 --> 00:17:40,059
and bear repellent
in the glove compartment.

411
00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:42,626
Do you know how many people
get eaten by bears

412
00:17:42,670 --> 00:17:44,324
on their way to college
every year?

413
00:17:46,413 --> 00:17:49,155
Alright.
How about you drive us home?

414
00:17:49,198 --> 00:17:50,895
Okay!

415
00:17:50,939 --> 00:17:53,637
But if you start to make me
nervous, I will push you out.

416
00:17:53,681 --> 00:17:55,596
Do you know how many moms
get killed every year

417
00:17:55,639 --> 00:17:58,207
being pushed out of a moving car
by their son?

418
00:17:58,251 --> 00:17:59,165
All of them.

419
00:18:00,818 --> 00:18:05,084
♪♪

420
00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:11,264
Oh, hey, Aunt Becky.

421
00:18:11,307 --> 00:18:14,267
Sorry! Just going out!
Can't talk!

422
00:18:14,310 --> 00:18:17,313
You're going out now?
It's 11:00.

423
00:18:17,357 --> 00:18:20,055
He works
the graveyard shift.

424
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,666
At a fancy
Italian restaurant.

425
00:18:22,710 --> 00:18:24,451
Night night!
Wait.

426
00:18:24,494 --> 00:18:26,583
I wanted to talk to you
about that guy Steve.

427
00:18:26,627 --> 00:18:29,238
He started ghosting me. Why do
you think he would do that?

428
00:18:29,282 --> 00:18:30,631
I mean, we were
getting along great,

429
00:18:30,674 --> 00:18:33,416
and all of a sudden
he just stops texting me.

430
00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:35,157
I don't know
what I did wrong.

431
00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:38,639
Don't start
blaming yourself.

432
00:18:38,682 --> 00:18:41,424
Aldo's the only guy I've ever
had a real relationship with,

433
00:18:41,468 --> 00:18:44,210
so maybe only stupid guys
like me.

434
00:18:44,253 --> 00:18:46,125
[ Sighs ]

435
00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:47,691
Don't go there.

436
00:18:47,735 --> 00:18:49,563
Okay?
You're amazing!

437
00:18:49,606 --> 00:18:51,042
Maybe he met
somebody else.

438
00:18:51,086 --> 00:18:54,263
Maybe somebody
he has a history with.

439
00:18:54,307 --> 00:18:57,136
I'm sure you're better than
whoever he shared dinner with.

440
00:18:59,616 --> 00:19:00,748
Which was me.

441
00:19:01,792 --> 00:19:03,229
I'm sorry. What?!

442
00:19:03,272 --> 00:19:05,056
Steve and I went out
a long time ago,

443
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:07,189
back when
I was drinking.

444
00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:10,105
And I knew
it ended badly,

445
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,281
but I couldn't remember
whose fault it was.

446
00:19:12,325 --> 00:19:14,196
I swear, I had
the best of intentions.

447
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,198
Is that why
you're wearing a dress

448
00:19:16,242 --> 00:19:19,462
where your intentions are all
pushed up for everyone to see?!

449
00:19:19,506 --> 00:19:20,463
Screw you.

450
00:19:20,507 --> 00:19:22,552
You're gonna wake up
Beverly Rose.

451
00:19:22,596 --> 00:19:25,076
Aunt Becky stole a guy
that I was talking to online!

452
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,296
No.
You're absolutely wrong.

453
00:19:27,340 --> 00:19:29,211
Your aunt
only went out with him

454
00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:30,430
to make sure
he wasn't a bad guy.

455
00:19:30,473 --> 00:19:32,040
If you
did something wrong,

456
00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:34,477
now would be a really good time
to tell me.

457
00:19:34,521 --> 00:19:36,349
Harris is right. I shouldn't
have gone out with him.

458
00:19:36,392 --> 00:19:38,394
I am sosorry.

459
00:19:38,438 --> 00:19:39,656
What were you thinking?!

460
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,615
I wasn't!

461
00:19:41,658 --> 00:19:43,399
I got divorce papers,

462
00:19:43,443 --> 00:19:45,401
and I guess I was
feeling sorry for myself

463
00:19:45,445 --> 00:19:47,882
because everybody around me
is in love.

464
00:19:47,925 --> 00:19:49,666
Even Darlene,
for God's sake.

465
00:19:49,710 --> 00:19:53,279
You don't know what doing worse
than Darlene does to me.

466
00:19:54,497 --> 00:19:57,587
Harris, uh,
there's no alternative here.

467
00:19:57,631 --> 00:19:59,676
You're gonna have to
hate her forever.

468
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,417
I know what you're doing,

469
00:20:01,461 --> 00:20:04,464
and I'm not gonna
hate you forever.

470
00:20:04,507 --> 00:20:07,031
Life coach.
You don't lose those muscles.

471
00:20:09,425 --> 00:20:11,819
Look, if you want me
to stop seeing him, I will.

472
00:20:11,862 --> 00:20:13,473
No way.
I don't want him now.

473
00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:15,431
I'm not taking
your leftovers.

474
00:20:15,475 --> 00:20:17,564
Then what can I do
to make this up to you?

475
00:20:17,607 --> 00:20:20,610
That was a really crappy thing
you did,

476
00:20:20,654 --> 00:20:22,656
even if you are
old and desperate.

477
00:20:22,699 --> 00:20:24,048
So old, so desperate.

478
00:20:24,092 --> 00:20:25,354
And, I mean,
you see me

479
00:20:25,398 --> 00:20:28,052
and I'm so young,
I'm so beautiful,

480
00:20:28,096 --> 00:20:30,272
and I've got my whole life
ahead of me.

481
00:20:30,316 --> 00:20:31,404
And I'm at the end.

482
00:20:31,447 --> 00:20:33,493
I've got more yesterdays
than tomorrows.

483
00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:37,018
Tell me the truth.

484
00:20:37,061 --> 00:20:38,672
Am I missing out
on a great guy?

485
00:20:38,715 --> 00:20:42,632
Well, I don't know.
It was only one dinner.

486
00:20:42,676 --> 00:20:45,548
Fine.
Go out with him.

487
00:20:45,592 --> 00:20:47,289
It doesn't matter
to me.

488
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:49,117
I've got a few hits
on the app anyway.

489
00:20:50,553 --> 00:20:52,512
Did you go out
with him, too?

490
00:20:52,555 --> 00:20:53,382
No.

491
00:20:54,644 --> 00:20:56,255
Does he have a twin?

492
00:21:01,695 --> 00:21:03,262
[ Engine idling, door opens ]

493
00:21:04,611 --> 00:21:05,960
Drive, drive, drive!

494
00:21:06,003 --> 00:21:07,178
[ Tires squeal ]

495
00:21:07,222 --> 00:21:09,572
[ Breathing heavily ]

496
00:21:09,616 --> 00:21:11,835
[ Sighs ] Ohh.

497
00:21:11,879 --> 00:21:14,229
Oh, it's like a cloud.

498
00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:16,623
I have shirts
that aren't this soft.

499
00:21:16,666 --> 00:21:17,798
This is ourstash.

500
00:21:17,841 --> 00:21:19,452
The rest of the family
uses the one-ply.

501
00:21:19,495 --> 00:21:21,323
Oh, yeah.

502
00:21:21,367 --> 00:21:24,848
Just when you think you're out,
they pull you back in.

503
00:21:24,892 --> 00:21:25,893
[ Sighs ]

504
00:21:29,113 --> 00:21:31,115
--Captions by VITAC--