1 00:00:02,770 --> 00:00:04,405 ** 2 00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:07,007 This is the last of the sausage rolls. 3 00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:10,010 I know it's against your nature, but try chewing this time. 4 00:00:10,044 --> 00:00:11,412 [ Chuckles ] 5 00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:13,481 I will decline in anticipation 6 00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:16,284 of the cupcakes you hid in the pots and pans drawer. 7 00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:19,553 So how long is Mary staying with you? Louise: About a month. 8 00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:21,955 She's splitting her time between us and her grandmother 9 00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:24,958 till DJ gets back from visiting Geena in Germany. 10 00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:26,227 Yeah, having a spouse in the military, 11 00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:28,028 that's gotta be hard on a marriage. 12 00:00:28,062 --> 00:00:30,431 Right up there with hiding cupcakes. Call. 13 00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:32,866 Yo! Ah! 14 00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:34,635 Suck it, losers! Full house! 15 00:00:34,668 --> 00:00:39,240 Oh! Damn it. Haven't won a game in 150 hands. 16 00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:43,177 Maybe not, but you are lucky in love. 17 00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:45,879 Yeah, yeah, love don't buy mama no Soda Stream! 18 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,617 [ Cellphone rings ] 19 00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:54,021 Ugh. The coroner. That's a big "no." 20 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,823 Why is the coroner calling you? 21 00:00:55,856 --> 00:00:57,858 When they find someone in a forest preserve 22 00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,160 that's been chewed up, 23 00:00:59,193 --> 00:01:00,794 they want me to identify the animal 24 00:01:00,828 --> 00:01:02,963 by the bite or claw marks. 25 00:01:02,996 --> 00:01:05,333 It's always a bear. [ Chuckles ] 26 00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:07,835 I will call them back in the morning. 27 00:01:07,868 --> 00:01:09,002 How can you be sure it's a bear? 28 00:01:09,036 --> 00:01:10,638 Because if something has ripped the head off, 29 00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:12,072 it's probably not a raccoon. 30 00:01:13,207 --> 00:01:16,510 [ Cellphone rings ] 31 00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:20,981 Neville, they are really trying to get ahold of you. 32 00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:24,385 Neville Goldufsky. DVM. What do you got? 33 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,120 What? 34 00:01:26,154 --> 00:01:27,655 Oh, my God. 35 00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:30,291 Uh, yes. I'll be right down. 36 00:01:30,324 --> 00:01:32,360 Thank you. I-I mean, I-I appreciate it. 37 00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:33,627 Thank you. 38 00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:35,563 What? 39 00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,231 Our brother Aaron's dead. 40 00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:39,400 Jackie: [ Gasps ] Oh, my God. 41 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:41,902 Oh. I'm so sorry. 42 00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:54,782 ** 43 00:01:56,484 --> 00:02:03,491 ** 44 00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:08,496 -- Captions by VITA -- 45 00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:09,797 "The Conners" is filmed 46 00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:12,700 in front of a live studio audience. 47 00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:15,303 Come on. You're up. You can stare at it forever, 48 00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:17,037 but you gotta pick a utility bill to pay. 49 00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:20,808 Alright. You feeling lucky? 50 00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:22,410 Every day when I wake up in the basement. 51 00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:24,312 [ Sighs ] 52 00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:26,514 Okay, the dryer's been broken for a month. 53 00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:28,949 Let's go...gas bill! 54 00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:33,621 Damn it! Electric bill. 55 00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:35,323 Ah, yes! 56 00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:38,359 I've been running my space heater every night for free. 57 00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:40,294 Hey, don't get cocky. 58 00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:42,863 The cellphone bill is still coiled up in there like a cobra. 59 00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:47,801 Hey. Isn't your grandma coming in? 60 00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:51,905 No, she says she's too old to be exposed to this "filthy house." 61 00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:54,942 Last time she came in for coffee, she got pinkeye. 62 00:02:56,544 --> 00:02:58,178 Yeah, I guess if you didn't grow up here, 63 00:02:58,212 --> 00:03:01,282 you don't build up an immunity to our filth. 64 00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:05,152 So, tonight we're gonna do all your favorite stuff! 65 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,888 We're gonna make s'mores and hot chocolate, 66 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,790 and after we're all twitchy from the sugar 67 00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:11,325 we'll play Operation. 68 00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:13,026 Mnh...ehr! 69 00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:17,130 No, thanks. I'm kinda tired. 70 00:03:17,164 --> 00:03:19,199 I'm just gonna hang out in my room and go to sleep early. 71 00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:23,571 Something's going on with Mary. 72 00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:26,039 The last few weeks she's been here, she's spent all her time 73 00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:28,041 in her room with the door locked. 74 00:03:28,075 --> 00:03:30,411 And now she doesn't even want to mainline sugar with you 75 00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:32,480 and play her favorite game? 76 00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:33,714 You're right. 77 00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:35,549 She's antisocial, she's lethargic, 78 00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:37,651 hates fun. 79 00:03:37,685 --> 00:03:41,489 If she stops caring how she dresses, she's you! 80 00:03:41,522 --> 00:03:44,625 Yeah, she's me at 14. She's depressed. 81 00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:45,993 With all the pressure to fit in, 82 00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:48,629 14 is brutal for a girl anyway. 83 00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:49,897 Even for me, and I was 84 00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:52,666 exceptionally popular and pretty. 85 00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:54,568 DJ is traveling all the time, 86 00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:56,404 her mom is still stationed overseas, 87 00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:59,072 she's being shuttled back and forth between two homes. 88 00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:01,642 I mean, what if she's in, like, a really dark place? 89 00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:03,977 I-I'm gonna talk to her and help her get through this. 90 00:04:04,011 --> 00:04:06,547 Just because you're depressed doesn't make you an expert. 91 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,549 I'm a Psych major. 92 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,551 I'm being trained to handle people in crisis. 93 00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,286 I'll talk to her. 94 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,422 Why don't you stick to addiction? That's your specialty. 95 00:04:15,889 --> 00:04:18,292 When she's guzzling cough syrup through a crazy straw 96 00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:20,994 out of her pencil bag, you're up. 97 00:04:21,028 --> 00:04:22,830 Fine. We'll both talk to her. 98 00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:26,300 Feeling lucky? 99 00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:28,736 Alright. Come on... 100 00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:30,338 Senior Lifeline basic cable. 101 00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,806 No Whammies! 102 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,842 Yes! Cable! 103 00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:39,880 Uh -- Dad ordered the Sunday NFL Ticket. 104 00:04:39,913 --> 00:04:41,315 Damn it! 105 00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:43,684 ** 106 00:04:43,717 --> 00:04:44,718 Hey. 107 00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:48,288 Oh, God. You read my journal. 108 00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:51,959 I didn't do any of those things. I-I'm writing a screenplay. 109 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,461 No. 110 00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:56,196 Louise and Neville's brother had a heart attack and died. 111 00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:59,333 Neville and Jackie are bringing his son, Caleb, over. 112 00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:01,969 I'm sorry. I didn't even know you guys had a brother. 113 00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:04,638 It's okay. We weren't close. 114 00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:08,141 Aaron was a drunken, lying degenerate that destroyed 115 00:05:08,175 --> 00:05:10,911 everything he touched and drove us all away. 116 00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:13,246 God rest his soul. 117 00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:17,385 You can do all that and still get to God. 118 00:05:17,418 --> 00:05:20,153 That changes my plans. 119 00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:23,824 Caleb is obviously a troubled kid growing up with my brother, 120 00:05:23,857 --> 00:05:27,027 but he's only 17, and they're gonna put him in a foster home 121 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:28,629 if he doesn't come live with me and Dan 122 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,364 or Jackie and Neville. 123 00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:32,600 [Sarcastically] Oh, great. We're taking in an angry teen! 124 00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:38,038 Normally we make 'em here and ship 'em out. 125 00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:41,041 Are you sure this is a better environment than a foster home? 126 00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:42,342 The criminals who come to live here 127 00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:44,177 just become better criminals. 128 00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:49,016 Well, it's only a year. You know, when he's 18, 129 00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:51,151 he's gonna want to go out on his own. 130 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:54,488 I submit to the court exhibits A and B! 131 00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:55,856 [ Door opens ] 132 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,725 Hey! Look who's here! 133 00:05:57,758 --> 00:06:00,494 Hey, everybody. We're home with Caleb. 134 00:06:00,528 --> 00:06:04,031 Caleb, this is your family, who all love you very much. 135 00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:05,999 Very, very much! 136 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,537 And I love you... 137 00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:10,704 ancient guy, 138 00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:12,873 hot old lady, blondie... 139 00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:14,408 flannel dude. 140 00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:16,844 You forgot me. 141 00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,946 No I didn't... Backwoods Jessica Rabbit. 142 00:06:20,581 --> 00:06:23,283 Maybe we're all coming on too strong. 143 00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:25,018 Let's start over. 144 00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:26,687 I'm your Aunt Louise. 145 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:30,691 We know you're hurting and that all of this is very awkward, 146 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:33,126 but we just felt that we owed you 147 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:36,730 the option of being able to live with family. 148 00:06:36,764 --> 00:06:39,032 This is your cousin, Darlene. 149 00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:41,001 Come on. Give him a hug. 150 00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:45,973 Sorry about your dad. 151 00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:48,375 [ Sighs ] Not as sorry as the whiskey industry. 152 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,378 I'd like my hug back. 153 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,982 Hey. I'm cousin Becky. 154 00:06:55,015 --> 00:06:56,383 I'm only hugging you 155 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:59,553 because you called my sister "flannel dude." 156 00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:03,491 And this is my husband, your Uncle Dan. Oh. 157 00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:04,658 You're with him? [ Scoffs ] 158 00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:06,193 He must have a ton of life insurance. 159 00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:08,195 [ Louise scoffs ] 160 00:07:08,228 --> 00:07:11,031 He thinks I have life insurance. That's -- That's funny. 161 00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:14,001 Where should I put my stuff? 162 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:15,335 We're all booked up on rooms, 163 00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:18,539 so tonight you can sleep in the empty trailer out back. 164 00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:22,175 Ah. Nothing says welcome to the family like sleeping outside. 165 00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:25,345 Is that where you hillbillies keep the moonshine? 166 00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:27,715 That's an unfair stereotype! 167 00:07:27,748 --> 00:07:28,882 You can't miss it. 168 00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:30,450 It's right through the kitchen 169 00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:32,185 and then turn left at the chicken coop. 170 00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:40,360 Oh, can we keep him? Please, please, please? 171 00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:43,163 I want him so bad! 172 00:07:43,196 --> 00:07:44,331 Louise: Wow. 173 00:07:44,364 --> 00:07:45,733 I know he's been through a lot, 174 00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:47,300 but what does he have against us? 175 00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:50,571 Well, as Lanford's leading life coach, I don't know. 176 00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:54,307 But...as the child of a monster 177 00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:57,711 who somehow managed to be both abusive and negligent, 178 00:07:57,745 --> 00:08:00,313 I'm pretty sure he's got some major trust issues. 179 00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:02,282 Mm-hmm. Harris, he seems to like you. 180 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:03,817 Why don't you go talk to him? 181 00:08:03,851 --> 00:08:05,886 Find out why he's being so hostile towards us. 182 00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:08,221 Great, yeah. He's angry and creepy. 183 00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:10,558 I would love to go into a tiny trailer with him. 184 00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:14,361 If I don't come back, burn my journal. 185 00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:15,563 It's not a screenplay. 186 00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:22,002 Hey, Mary, could you come down here for a minute?! 187 00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:23,871 Remember, when she comes down, 188 00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:27,541 we are here to listen, not to judge or lecture. 189 00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:30,143 Don't patronize me, Sister Golden Hair. 190 00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:33,681 You don't know half of what I do about crippling sadness. 191 00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:36,884 Ah, that's two out of two. Nice shootin'. 192 00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:39,052 Hey, Mary, we just want to talk to you for a second. 193 00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:41,154 Sure. What's up? 194 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:44,792 Uh, Aunt Darlene and I have noticed a few things 195 00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:45,993 that we want to talk to you about. 196 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:47,494 Like? 197 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,730 Well, you don't seen to want to be around anyone lately. 198 00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:51,198 I mean, I think it goes without saying 199 00:08:51,231 --> 00:08:52,700 that none of us really wants to be here, 200 00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:55,736 but it does seem out of character for you. 201 00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:57,537 We're just worried. 202 00:08:57,571 --> 00:09:01,008 Withdrawing from people, sleeping a lot, 203 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:03,376 losing interest in things you used to enjoy 204 00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:06,279 are all signs of depression. 205 00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:09,216 Okay. I knew I couldn't hide this from you. 206 00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:12,019 Yes. I'm depressed. 207 00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:14,855 I'm sure it's just a phase and I'll feel better soon. 208 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,323 Love you. Thanks! 209 00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:21,561 Mary? Yeah? 210 00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:24,064 You know, depression feels endless, 211 00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:25,733 not like a passing phase. 212 00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:27,034 Well, I'm new at it. 213 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,469 I'm sure it'll feel endless soon. Thanks. 214 00:09:29,502 --> 00:09:31,805 Wait. Wait, wait, wait. 215 00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:34,708 Is that -- that a new dress you're wearing? 216 00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:36,677 I think it is, and I love how her nails 217 00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:38,846 match her lipstick, don't you? 218 00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:39,947 [ Cellphone buzzing ] 219 00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:42,215 And somebody's blowing up your phone. 220 00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,284 I don't think you're depressed, I think you got a boyfriend. 221 00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:46,887 No. I'm super miserable. 222 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,657 Mary, no depressed person puts on a dress, 223 00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:52,125 nail polish, and lipstick. 224 00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:54,161 A depressed person looks like this. 225 00:09:56,496 --> 00:09:59,566 Okay, fine. I have a boyfriend. 226 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:00,968 Why didn't you just tell us? 227 00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:03,236 Because you'll embarrass me just like Grandma Rose did 228 00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:04,337 with your boyfriends. 229 00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:05,839 Uh, no, you're lucky it's us. 230 00:10:05,873 --> 00:10:07,708 She would have already shown him the video 231 00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:09,209 of you falling down in the kiddie pool 232 00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:12,012 'cause your diaper was too full to stand up. 233 00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:13,380 Here's the deal. 234 00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:14,882 We're not gonna embarrass you, 235 00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:17,851 but we can't let you go out with somebody we don't know. 236 00:10:17,885 --> 00:10:18,952 We're gonna have to meet him. 237 00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:20,688 Fine. 238 00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:22,322 Just be nice, okay? 239 00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:24,892 "Be nice." Ha ha! [ Chuckles ] 240 00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:28,996 Hey. Hey. What's up? 241 00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:32,365 Well, Mary has been sneaking around with some boy, 242 00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:34,534 so we told her she had to bring him over. 243 00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:36,036 So what do you need? 244 00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:39,039 Should I be sitting shirtless on the couch sharpening my knives, 245 00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:41,408 or would you prefer me sitting at the table 246 00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:44,712 in the dark cleaning a gun? 247 00:10:44,745 --> 00:10:47,715 Well, as effective as those were at driving us 248 00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:50,784 into the arms of the wrong men, we think we got this. 249 00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:53,286 You got me all worked up to scare a kid. 250 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:54,888 Holler if you need me. 251 00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:56,890 ** 252 00:10:56,924 --> 00:10:58,391 [ Door opens ] 253 00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:07,200 To screwed-up families. 254 00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:08,435 [ Bottles clink ] 255 00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:12,740 Sorry about your dad. 256 00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:14,241 I mean, even though you guys didn't get along, 257 00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:16,476 it still must be rough. 258 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,746 It is rough. I'm hurting bad. 259 00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:22,149 I'm just gonna go ahead and ask. 260 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,583 Ever had orphan sex? 261 00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:26,619 Not happening. 262 00:11:26,653 --> 00:11:28,789 I'm just here to find out what the beef is 263 00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:31,158 with Neville and Louise. [ Scoffs lightly ] 264 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:33,827 They avoided my dad because they knew he was a nightmare. 265 00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:36,229 But they didn't care I had to live with him. 266 00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:39,066 It's not always easy to take a kid away from a parent, 267 00:11:39,099 --> 00:11:40,667 no matter how bad they are. 268 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,369 They had their chance. 269 00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:44,004 When I was 9, he went to jail, 270 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:46,874 and they called them to come get me. 271 00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:48,141 No one showed up. 272 00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:50,878 I had to live on my own for three months 273 00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:53,380 until child services dropped a net over me. 274 00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:56,616 That's weird. 275 00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:59,386 I mean, Neville and Louise are good people. 276 00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:01,621 Once, I saw Neville put eczema cream 277 00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:03,356 on the little feet of a naked mole rat. 278 00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:06,359 Well, that's super creepy. 279 00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:10,864 Anyway, that was the end of me hoping someone would rescue me. 280 00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:12,966 Now I feel like I'd rather do the foster-care thing 281 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:16,336 than live with people who bailed on a 9-year-old. 282 00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:18,171 I'm sorry you had to go through that. 283 00:12:19,672 --> 00:12:22,142 It all just hurts so bad. 284 00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:24,845 [ Sighs ] 285 00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:26,847 There's only one person who can save me from the pain. 286 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:29,817 You know what? I'm just gonna stop you right there. 287 00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:33,153 Save it for hitting on your future foster mom. 288 00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:36,056 ** 289 00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:39,059 So when his dad called you, neither of you guys came to get him. 290 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,461 I feel horrible. 291 00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:44,231 Aaron lied so many times about needing bail money, 292 00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:46,967 I just assumed the bastard was lying again. 293 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,636 It sounds like you've got a hole in your heart 294 00:12:49,669 --> 00:12:51,704 that only taking him into your home would fill. 295 00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:54,774 Yeah, well, you guys fight it out. 296 00:12:54,808 --> 00:12:57,177 But if he's gonna stay here, I have to hide my stash better 297 00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:58,511 because I have a feeling he won't hesitate 298 00:12:58,545 --> 00:13:01,114 to look in a tampon box for weed. 299 00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:03,650 Which is where it was until right now. 300 00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:05,819 Oh, no. 301 00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:08,889 I guess we should talk about Caleb living here. 302 00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:11,524 We could put him on a cot in the hallway like a field hospital. 303 00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:13,193 It'll be fun. Ohh. 304 00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:15,228 Well, let's be honest here. 305 00:13:15,262 --> 00:13:16,796 Neither one of you guys want him. 306 00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:18,165 You're feeling guilty, 307 00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:20,868 and you're some kind of weird child hoarder. 308 00:13:22,569 --> 00:13:24,671 The best person to take him is me. 309 00:13:24,704 --> 00:13:26,473 What? 310 00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:29,609 When you say "me," you mean "we." 311 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,945 I don't understand why you would want to do this. 312 00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:33,346 Louise was beating herself up 313 00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:35,315 about not being there for the kid. 314 00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:38,485 Let's help her finish the job. 315 00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:39,987 Look, I know it's weird, but I just feel 316 00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:41,955 a connection with the kid. 317 00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:43,456 And I know you're not thrilled about this, 318 00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:46,226 but you'd rather have him live with us 319 00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:48,761 than live with strangers... right? 320 00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:52,632 Y-Yes. 321 00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:55,235 I-I want... I do...him... 322 00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:57,170 ...him to live with us. ...us. 323 00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:01,374 Thank you. 324 00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:06,446 Oh, crap. I just remembered. 325 00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:08,982 The only thing that Harris is gonna find in that tampon box 326 00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:11,318 is tampons. 327 00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:13,153 That's why I shouldn't be a mom. 328 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:15,188 I steal drugs from children. 329 00:14:19,426 --> 00:14:21,661 I hope you left room for some fresh baked cookies. 330 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,897 They're LL Cool J's favorite. 331 00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:27,334 "Mama Said Knock You Out" for a chocolate-chip scotchie. 332 00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:30,670 I'm still leaning towards foster home, 333 00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:32,239 but keep the bribes comin'. 334 00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:35,475 Damn it. 335 00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:36,809 Oh, no. 336 00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:39,279 I'm pushing too hard, aren't I? 337 00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,949 I think letting him have our bed to sleep in tonight 338 00:14:41,982 --> 00:14:43,483 is a little much. 339 00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,686 His dad treated him like crap. 340 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:49,656 I want him to feel special, not like my mother. 341 00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:51,224 When I wanted to sleep in her bed, 342 00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:52,993 she said it made the bed smell like me 343 00:14:53,026 --> 00:14:55,162 and she didn't need that constant reminder. 344 00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:59,299 You do leave a scent, but I love it. 345 00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:02,535 Aww! That's why I love you. 346 00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,504 Because you remind me that I do matter. 347 00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:05,939 And that's what I want for him. 348 00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:07,374 Mm. 349 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,209 Can you run down to the convenience store? 350 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:10,677 We're almost out of milk for breakfast. 351 00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,179 Yeah, sure. 352 00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:14,681 Thank you, my love. 353 00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:16,816 Aww. Hey. Have -- Have you seen my watch? 354 00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:19,619 Hunh-unh. Should be right there. No? 355 00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:23,156 Oh, duh. No, I dropped it off at the shop for cleaning. 356 00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:24,624 Oh. Yeah. 357 00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:26,326 That calf was coming so fast, 358 00:15:26,359 --> 00:15:27,827 I really didn't have time to take it off. 359 00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:30,230 Yeah. [ Chuckles ] 360 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:31,498 [ Chuckles ] 361 00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:33,500 Caleb. 362 00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:34,801 Yeah? 363 00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:37,704 I think you might have mistakenly taken 364 00:15:37,737 --> 00:15:40,140 Neville's watch when you were, you know, 365 00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:43,176 looking for something to steal. 366 00:15:43,210 --> 00:15:44,644 You shouldn't leave stuff laying around 367 00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:46,779 if you don't want it stolen. 368 00:15:46,813 --> 00:15:49,282 You don't need a watch. You need a plan. 369 00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:50,683 I had a plan until you took the watch! 370 00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:52,685 Sit down. 371 00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:54,554 You know, a foster family would have called the cops on you, 372 00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,156 and that's not gonna happen here. 373 00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:58,058 You're stealing because you feel worthless. 374 00:15:58,091 --> 00:16:00,293 Because you think that that's all you can do. 375 00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:01,528 I know what that feels like. 376 00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:04,331 That's why you have to live here. 377 00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:06,533 Why do you care so much? You're not even my real aunt. 378 00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:09,102 Oh, we're related in a different way. 379 00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:14,507 You and I are both members of the horrible parents club, 380 00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:17,610 and nobody who's not been through that can understand us. 381 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:20,280 You know the password to get into the clubhouse? 382 00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,015 "You're the reason I drink"? 383 00:16:22,049 --> 00:16:24,384 Ohh! That's like a hug. 384 00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:25,718 [ Scoffs ] 385 00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:28,555 We can't let their bitterness define who we are. 386 00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:30,990 Anything you want to be or do, you can do that now. 387 00:16:31,024 --> 00:16:32,392 There's nobody to tell you 388 00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:34,694 that you're not good enough or smart enough. 389 00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:36,796 See, you're lucky that your dad's dead 390 00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:41,234 because that's gonna shave years off this whole process. 391 00:16:41,268 --> 00:16:43,170 Well, then I'm glad I killed him. 392 00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:50,310 Oh, wow. Okay. Wow. 393 00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:54,214 Um, okay, well, I mean, I'm... 394 00:16:54,247 --> 00:16:56,449 sure he deserved it. 395 00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:58,351 [ Scoffs ] God, no. I'm kidding. 396 00:16:58,385 --> 00:17:01,654 Oh, oka-- [Laughing] Okay! 397 00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:06,093 Well, now you know what kind of love you're gonna get here. 398 00:17:09,929 --> 00:17:12,365 Brayton, this is my Aunt Darlene and Aunt Becky. 399 00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:13,966 Brayton: Great to meet you. 400 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,169 Mary told me how much she looks up to you both. 401 00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:18,638 Oh, aren't you a little smoothie? 402 00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:20,773 Alright. Tell us about yourself. 403 00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:23,176 Interests, life goals, how many kids you have, 404 00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:25,478 your favorite movies. 405 00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:28,481 No kids yet. I'd like to get out of middle school first. 406 00:17:30,016 --> 00:17:31,384 Um, my favorite movie is "Ant-Man," 407 00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:33,320 and I'm really good at math and science, 408 00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:36,356 so I'm hoping to get a job at a private spaceflight company. 409 00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,391 So do you believe young people going into space 410 00:17:38,425 --> 00:17:39,859 should have sex before they get married? 411 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,027 Aunt Becky! 412 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:45,064 I don't know. I never really thought about it. 413 00:17:45,098 --> 00:17:48,335 Oh. Come on, Brayton. That's all teenage boys think about. 414 00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:50,470 And you better think twice before you pressure 415 00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,839 a sweet, naive young girl into having sex. 416 00:17:52,872 --> 00:17:53,973 Okay. We're gonna go. 417 00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:56,276 Hold on. Hold on. 418 00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:59,112 Look, Brayton, we don't know much about you, 419 00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:00,813 but you are her first boyfriend. 420 00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:01,748 Third. Third?! 421 00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:05,518 We love Mary, and we want to make sure 422 00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:08,388 you treat her right and with respect. 423 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:09,889 He does, and he will 424 00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:12,024 because he knows what he'll get if he doesn't. 425 00:18:12,058 --> 00:18:13,560 Come on, Brayton. We're going. 426 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:14,894 Can I finish my cookie? 427 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,929 Are we gonna have a good day or a bad day? 428 00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:22,969 Apparently the Conner alpha lady gene 429 00:18:23,002 --> 00:18:25,872 is getting stronger with each generation. [ Door closes ] 430 00:18:25,905 --> 00:18:27,106 We were worried about her, 431 00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:29,476 but now I'm kinda worried about Brayton. 432 00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:31,778 ** 433 00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:33,012 Oh, hey. Hey. 434 00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:34,781 Hey, we're just bringing some of my clothes 435 00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:36,649 back here to store them again 436 00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:39,152 because I'm hoping I might be able to make some room 437 00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:41,388 in one of my closets for you. 438 00:18:41,421 --> 00:18:42,655 Can we talk? 439 00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:44,056 Sure. As much as you want. 440 00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:49,229 So...I've decided. No foster home. 441 00:18:49,262 --> 00:18:50,997 I want you and Neville to be my guardians. 442 00:18:51,030 --> 00:18:52,832 Oh, my God! 443 00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:55,202 Oh, my God! This is great! 444 00:18:55,235 --> 00:18:57,136 We gotta start looking at colleges right now. 445 00:18:57,170 --> 00:18:59,839 You can get in anywhere. You can get in. 446 00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:02,975 You're an angry abandoned orphan? 447 00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:06,546 Easiest essay ever! 448 00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:08,615 Okay, so, you know how you told me 449 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:11,451 I could do or be anything I want to now? Yes, I do. 450 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:13,820 And that I should forget everything my dad ever told me? 451 00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:15,355 Absolutely. So what are we thinking? 452 00:19:15,388 --> 00:19:17,023 Doctor? Lawyer? 453 00:19:17,056 --> 00:19:18,791 I don't want to sway you, 454 00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:21,294 but this -- this family could use a good lawyer. 455 00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:25,232 Maybe somebody who specializes in, um, 456 00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:27,567 tax evasion? 457 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,502 Um. Marine. 458 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,505 Biologist? 459 00:19:32,539 --> 00:19:34,106 No, the other Marine. 460 00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:35,975 I just thought, for once, it'd be nice 461 00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,710 to be someone that people look up to. 462 00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:40,347 But my dad always told me the Marines don't take losers. 463 00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:42,014 So this morning I went down to the recruiting office 464 00:19:42,048 --> 00:19:43,216 and I signed up. 465 00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,885 The only thing is, I'm 17, 466 00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:48,054 so I need you to sign this so I can enlist. 467 00:19:48,087 --> 00:19:51,123 Well, hold on. What -- What about you living with us? 468 00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:53,526 What about you going to college? 469 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:54,961 I wanted to help you. 470 00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:56,796 You already did. 471 00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:58,898 But I wanted it to take longer. 472 00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:03,336 Hey. What's up? 473 00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:06,473 I told Caleb he could do anything, and now he's doing it. 474 00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:09,442 I mean, I want what's best for him, 475 00:20:09,476 --> 00:20:12,845 but he says he -- he thinks he wants to join the military, 476 00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:14,781 like, right away, and so... 477 00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:16,383 Okay! I thought you'd probably w-- 478 00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:20,052 Kid's got a good head on his shoulders. I support him. 479 00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:23,390 ...take a few minutes to -- Ohh. 480 00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:25,458 This isn't fair. 481 00:20:25,492 --> 00:20:27,827 I just got you. 482 00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:31,964 I'll send you a bumper sticker that says "My Son is a Marine." 483 00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:34,367 Well. 484 00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:37,003 That would make me proud. 485 00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:38,505 Thank you! Yeah. 486 00:20:38,538 --> 00:20:40,907 I'm gonna get this down to the recruiting office now. 487 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,611 [ Door opens and closes ] Oh... 488 00:20:44,644 --> 00:20:47,914 You only had a day, but you did a great job raising him. Yeah. 489 00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:52,452 By the way, did you take my wedding ring 490 00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:53,920 to the jewelers, too? 491 00:20:54,854 --> 00:20:57,223 [ Chuckles ] Son of a bitch. 492 00:21:01,694 --> 00:21:03,463 Call! Let's see 'em! 493 00:21:03,496 --> 00:21:04,331 Alright. I've been waiting for this moment. 494 00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:05,532 Read 'em and 495 00:21:05,565 --> 00:21:08,701 weep...the hell?! 496 00:21:08,735 --> 00:21:11,371 You know, Becky, it's not enough to pull a bill out of the jar. 497 00:21:11,404 --> 00:21:12,705 You have to pay it, too. 498 00:21:12,739 --> 00:21:15,775 I put it back in the jar so somebody else would pull it. 499 00:21:15,808 --> 00:21:16,943 Let's just call it a night. 500 00:21:16,976 --> 00:21:19,145 No, no! Guys! Guys! No! Come here! Hey! 501 00:21:19,178 --> 00:21:22,114 Hey. Look. I got a-a -- I got a light on my phone! 502 00:21:22,148 --> 00:21:23,282 I got a light! See? 503 00:21:23,316 --> 00:21:24,617 Guys, come on! 504 00:21:24,651 --> 00:21:26,185 I got four kings!