**
This is the last of the sausage rolls.
I know it's against your nature, but try chewing this time.
[ Chuckles ]
I will decline in anticipation
of the cupcakes you hid in the pots and pans drawer.
So how long is Mary staying with you? Louise: About a month.
She's splitting her time between us and her grandmother
till DJ gets back from visiting Geena in Germany.
Yeah, having a spouse in the military,
that's gotta be hard on a marriage.
Right up there with hiding cupcakes. Call.
Yo! Ah!
Suck it, losers! Full house!
Oh! Damn it. Haven't won a game in 150 hands.
Maybe not, but you are lucky in love.
Yeah, yeah, love don't buy mama no Soda Stream!
[ Cellphone rings ]
Ugh. The coroner. That's a big "no."
Why is the coroner calling you?
When they find someone in a forest preserve
that's been chewed up,
they want me to identify the animal
by the bite or claw marks.
It's always a bear. [ Chuckles ]
I will call them back in the morning.
How can you be sure it's a bear?
Because if something has ripped the head off,
it's probably not a raccoon.
[ Cellphone rings ]
Neville, they are really trying to get ahold of you.
Neville Goldufsky. DVM. What do you got?
What?
Oh, my God.
Uh, yes. I'll be right down.
Thank you. I-I mean, I-I appreciate it.
Thank you.
What?
Our brother Aaron's dead.
Jackie: [ Gasps ] Oh, my God.
Oh. I'm so sorry.
**
-- Captions by VITA --
"The Conners" is filmed
in front of a live studio audience.
Come on. You're up. You can stare at it forever,
but you gotta pick a utility bill to pay.
Alright. You feeling lucky?
Every day when I wake up in the basement.
[ Sighs ]
Okay, the dryer's been broken for a month.
Let's go...gas bill!
Damn it! Electric bill.
Ah, yes!
I've been running my space heater every night for free.
Hey, don't get cocky.
The cellphone bill is still coiled up in there like a cobra.
Hey. Isn't your grandma coming in?
No, she says she's too old to be exposed to this "filthy house."
Last time she came in for coffee, she got pinkeye.
Yeah, I guess if you didn't grow up here,
you don't build up an immunity to our filth.
So, tonight we're gonna do all your favorite stuff!
We're gonna make s'mores and hot chocolate,
and after we're all twitchy from the sugar
we'll play Operation.
Mnh...ehr!
No, thanks. I'm kinda tired.
I'm just gonna hang out in my room and go to sleep early.
Something's going on with Mary.
The last few weeks she's been here, she's spent all her time
in her room with the door locked.
And now she doesn't even want to mainline sugar with you
and play her favorite game?
You're right.
She's antisocial, she's lethargic,
hates fun.
If she stops caring how she dresses, she's you!
Yeah, she's me at 14. She's depressed.
With all the pressure to fit in,
14 is brutal for a girl anyway.
Even for me, and I was
exceptionally popular and pretty.
DJ is traveling all the time,
her mom is still stationed overseas,
she's being shuttled back and forth between two homes.
I mean, what if she's in, like, a really dark place?
I-I'm gonna talk to her and help her get through this.
Just because you're depressed doesn't make you an expert.
I'm a Psych major.
I'm being trained to handle people in crisis.
I'll talk to her.
Why don't you stick to addiction? That's your specialty.
When she's guzzling cough syrup through a crazy straw
out of her pencil bag, you're up.
Fine. We'll both talk to her.
Feeling lucky?
Alright. Come on...
Senior Lifeline basic cable.
No Whammies!
Yes! Cable!
Uh -- Dad ordered the Sunday NFL Ticket.
Damn it!
**
Hey.
Oh, God. You read my journal.
I didn't do any of those things. I-I'm writing a screenplay.
No.
Louise and Neville's brother had a heart attack and died.
Neville and Jackie are bringing his son, Caleb, over.
I'm sorry. I didn't even know you guys had a brother.
It's okay. We weren't close.
Aaron was a drunken, lying degenerate that destroyed
everything he touched and drove us all away.
God rest his soul.
You can do all that and still get to God.
That changes my plans.
Caleb is obviously a troubled kid growing up with my brother,
but he's only 17, and they're gonna put him in a foster home
if he doesn't come live with me and Dan
or Jackie and Neville.
[Sarcastically] Oh, great. We're taking in an angry teen!
Normally we make 'em here and ship 'em out.
Are you sure this is a better environment than a foster home?
The criminals who come to live here
just become better criminals.
Well, it's only a year. You know, when he's 18,
he's gonna want to go out on his own.
I submit to the court exhibits A and B!
[ Door opens ]
Hey! Look who's here!
Hey, everybody. We're home with Caleb.
Caleb, this is your family, who all love you very much.
Very, very much!
And I love you...
ancient guy,
hot old lady, blondie...
flannel dude.
You forgot me.
No I didn't... Backwoods Jessica Rabbit.
Maybe we're all coming on too strong.
Let's start over.
I'm your Aunt Louise.
We know you're hurting and that all of this is very awkward,
but we just felt that we owed you
the option of being able to live with family.
This is your cousin, Darlene.
Come on. Give him a hug.
Sorry about your dad.
[ Sighs ] Not as sorry as the whiskey industry.
I'd like my hug back.
Hey. I'm cousin Becky.
I'm only hugging you
because you called my sister "flannel dude."
And this is my husband, your Uncle Dan. Oh.
You're with him? [ Scoffs ]
He must have a ton of life insurance.
[ Louise scoffs ]
He thinks I have life insurance. That's -- That's funny.
Where should I put my stuff?
We're all booked up on rooms,
so tonight you can sleep in the empty trailer out back.
Ah. Nothing says welcome to the family like sleeping outside.
Is that where you hillbillies keep the moonshine?
That's an unfair stereotype!
You can't miss it.
It's right through the kitchen
and then turn left at the chicken coop.
Oh, can we keep him? Please, please, please?
I want him so bad!
Louise: Wow.
I know he's been through a lot,
but what does he have against us?
Well, as Lanford's leading life coach, I don't know.
But...as the child of a monster
who somehow managed to be both abusive and negligent,
I'm pretty sure he's got some major trust issues.
Mm-hmm. Harris, he seems to like you.
Why don't you go talk to him?
Find out why he's being so hostile towards us.
Great, yeah. He's angry and creepy.
I would love to go into a tiny trailer with him.
If I don't come back, burn my journal.
It's not a screenplay.
Hey, Mary, could you come down here for a minute?!
Remember, when she comes down,
we are here to listen, not to judge or lecture.
Don't patronize me, Sister Golden Hair.
You don't know half of what I do about crippling sadness.
Ah, that's two out of two. Nice shootin'.
Hey, Mary, we just want to talk to you for a second.
Sure. What's up?
Uh, Aunt Darlene and I have noticed a few things
that we want to talk to you about.
Like?
Well, you don't seen to want to be around anyone lately.
I mean, I think it goes without saying
that none of us really wants to be here,
but it does seem out of character for you.
We're just worried.
Withdrawing from people, sleeping a lot,
losing interest in things you used to enjoy
are all signs of depression.
Okay. I knew I couldn't hide this from you.
Yes. I'm depressed.
I'm sure it's just a phase and I'll feel better soon.
Love you. Thanks!
Mary? Yeah?
You know, depression feels endless,
not like a passing phase.
Well, I'm new at it.
I'm sure it'll feel endless soon. Thanks.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Is that -- that a new dress you're wearing?
I think it is, and I love how her nails
match her lipstick, don't you?
[ Cellphone buzzing ]
And somebody's blowing up your phone.
I don't think you're depressed, I think you got a boyfriend.
No. I'm super miserable.
Mary, no depressed person puts on a dress,
nail polish, and lipstick.
A depressed person looks like this.
Okay, fine. I have a boyfriend.
Why didn't you just tell us?
Because you'll embarrass me just like Grandma Rose did
with your boyfriends.
Uh, no, you're lucky it's us.
She would have already shown him the video
of you falling down in the kiddie pool
'cause your diaper was too full to stand up.
Here's the deal.
We're not gonna embarrass you,
but we can't let you go out with somebody we don't know.
We're gonna have to meet him.
Fine.
Just be nice, okay?
"Be nice." Ha ha! [ Chuckles ]
Hey. Hey. What's up?
Well, Mary has been sneaking around with some boy,
so we told her she had to bring him over.
So what do you need?
Should I be sitting shirtless on the couch sharpening my knives,
or would you prefer me sitting at the table
in the dark cleaning a gun?
Well, as effective as those were at driving us
into the arms of the wrong men, we think we got this.
You got me all worked up to scare a kid.
Holler if you need me.
**
[ Door opens ]
To screwed-up families.
[ Bottles clink ]
Sorry about your dad.
I mean, even though you guys didn't get along,
it still must be rough.
It is rough. I'm hurting bad.
I'm just gonna go ahead and ask.
Ever had orphan sex?
Not happening.
I'm just here to find out what the beef is
with Neville and Louise. [ Scoffs lightly ]
They avoided my dad because they knew he was a nightmare.
But they didn't care I had to live with him.
It's not always easy to take a kid away from a parent,
no matter how bad they are.
They had their chance.
When I was 9, he went to jail,
and they called them to come get me.
No one showed up.
I had to live on my own for three months
until child services dropped a net over me.
That's weird.
I mean, Neville and Louise are good people.
Once, I saw Neville put eczema cream
on the little feet of a naked mole rat.
Well, that's super creepy.
Anyway, that was the end of me hoping someone would rescue me.
Now I feel like I'd rather do the foster-care thing
than live with people who bailed on a 9-year-old.
I'm sorry you had to go through that.
It all just hurts so bad.
[ Sighs ]
There's only one person who can save me from the pain.
You know what? I'm just gonna stop you right there.
Save it for hitting on your future foster mom.
**
So when his dad called you, neither of you guys came to get him.
I feel horrible.
Aaron lied so many times about needing bail money,
I just assumed the bastard was lying again.
It sounds like you've got a hole in your heart
that only taking him into your home would fill.
Yeah, well, you guys fight it out.
But if he's gonna stay here, I have to hide my stash better
because I have a feeling he won't hesitate
to look in a tampon box for weed.
Which is where it was until right now.
Oh, no.
I guess we should talk about Caleb living here.
We could put him on a cot in the hallway like a field hospital.
It'll be fun. Ohh.
Well, let's be honest here.
Neither one of you guys want him.
You're feeling guilty,
and you're some kind of weird child hoarder.
The best person to take him is me.
What?
When you say "me," you mean "we."
I don't understand why you would want to do this.
Louise was beating herself up
about not being there for the kid.
Let's help her finish the job.
Look, I know it's weird, but I just feel
a connection with the kid.
And I know you're not thrilled about this,
but you'd rather have him live with us
than live with strangers... right?
Y-Yes.
I-I want... I do...him...
...him to live with us. ...us.
Thank you.
Oh, crap. I just remembered.
The only thing that Harris is gonna find in that tampon box
is tampons.
That's why I shouldn't be a mom.
I steal drugs from children.
I hope you left room for some fresh baked cookies.
They're LL Cool J's favorite.
"Mama Said Knock You Out" for a chocolate-chip scotchie.
I'm still leaning towards foster home,
but keep the bribes comin'.
Damn it.
Oh, no.
I'm pushing too hard, aren't I?
I think letting him have our bed to sleep in tonight
is a little much.
His dad treated him like crap.
I want him to feel special, not like my mother.
When I wanted to sleep in her bed,
she said it made the bed smell like me
and she didn't need that constant reminder.
You do leave a scent, but I love it.
Aww! That's why I love you.
Because you remind me that I do matter.
And that's what I want for him.
Mm.
Can you run down to the convenience store?
We're almost out of milk for breakfast.
Yeah, sure.
Thank you, my love.
Aww. Hey. Have -- Have you seen my watch?
Hunh-unh. Should be right there. No?
Oh, duh. No, I dropped it off at the shop for cleaning.
Oh. Yeah.
That calf was coming so fast,
I really didn't have time to take it off.
Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
[ Chuckles ]
Caleb.
Yeah?
I think you might have mistakenly taken
Neville's watch when you were, you know,
looking for something to steal.
You shouldn't leave stuff laying around
if you don't want it stolen.
You don't need a watch. You need a plan.
I had a plan until you took the watch!
Sit down.
You know, a foster family would have called the cops on you,
and that's not gonna happen here.
You're stealing because you feel worthless.
Because you think that that's all you can do.
I know what that feels like.
That's why you have to live here.
Why do you care so much? You're not even my real aunt.
Oh, we're related in a different way.
You and I are both members of the horrible parents club,
and nobody who's not been through that can understand us.
You know the password to get into the clubhouse?
"You're the reason I drink"?
Ohh! That's like a hug.
[ Scoffs ]
We can't let their bitterness define who we are.
Anything you want to be or do, you can do that now.
There's nobody to tell you
that you're not good enough or smart enough.
See, you're lucky that your dad's dead
because that's gonna shave years off this whole process.
Well, then I'm glad I killed him.
Oh, wow. Okay. Wow.
Um, okay, well, I mean, I'm...
sure he deserved it.
[ Scoffs ] God, no. I'm kidding.
Oh, oka-- [Laughing] Okay!
Well, now you know what kind of love you're gonna get here.
Brayton, this is my Aunt Darlene and Aunt Becky.
Brayton: Great to meet you.
Mary told me how much she looks up to you both.
Oh, aren't you a little smoothie?
Alright. Tell us about yourself.
Interests, life goals, how many kids you have,
your favorite movies.
No kids yet. I'd like to get out of middle school first.
Um, my favorite movie is "Ant-Man,"
and I'm really good at math and science,
so I'm hoping to get a job at a private spaceflight company.
So do you believe young people going into space
should have sex before they get married?
Aunt Becky!
I don't know. I never really thought about it.
Oh. Come on, Brayton. That's all teenage boys think about.
And you better think twice before you pressure
a sweet, naive young girl into having sex.
Okay. We're gonna go.
Hold on. Hold on.
Look, Brayton, we don't know much about you,
but you are her first boyfriend.
Third. Third?!
We love Mary, and we want to make sure
you treat her right and with respect.
He does, and he will
because he knows what he'll get if he doesn't.
Come on, Brayton. We're going.
Can I finish my cookie?
Are we gonna have a good day or a bad day?
Apparently the Conner alpha lady gene
is getting stronger with each generation. [ Door closes ]
We were worried about her,
but now I'm kinda worried about Brayton.
**
Oh, hey. Hey.
Hey, we're just bringing some of my clothes
back here to store them again
because I'm hoping I might be able to make some room
in one of my closets for you.
Can we talk?
Sure. As much as you want.
So...I've decided. No foster home.
I want you and Neville to be my guardians.
Oh, my God!
This is great!
We gotta start looking at colleges right now.
You can get in anywhere. You can get in.
You're an angry abandoned orphan?
Easiest essay ever!
Okay, so, you know how you told me
I could do or be anything I want to now? Yes, I do.
And that I should forget everything my dad ever told me?
Absolutely. So what are we thinking?
Doctor? Lawyer?
I don't want to sway you,
but this -- this family could use a good lawyer.
Maybe somebody who specializes in, um,
tax evasion?
Um. Marine.
Biologist?
No, the other Marine.
I just thought, for once, it'd be nice
to be someone that people look up to.
But my dad always told me the Marines don't take losers.
So this morning I went down to the recruiting office
and I signed up.
The only thing is, I'm 17,
so I need you to sign this so I can enlist.
Well, hold on. What -- What about you living with us?
What about you going to college?
I wanted to help you.
You already did.
But I wanted it to take longer.
Hey. What's up?
I told Caleb he could do anything, and now he's doing it.
I mean, I want what's best for him,
but he says he -- he thinks he wants to join the military,
like, right away, and so...
Okay! I thought you'd probably w--
Kid's got a good head on his shoulders. I support him.
...take a few minutes to -- Ohh.
This isn't fair.
I just got you.
I'll send you a bumper sticker that says "My Son is a Marine."
Well.
That would make me proud.
Thank you! Yeah.
I'm gonna get this down to the recruiting office now.
[ Door opens and closes ] Oh...
You only had a day, but you did a great job raising him. Yeah.
By the way, did you take my wedding ring
to the jewelers, too?
[ Chuckles ] Son of a bitch.
Call! Let's see 'em!
Alright. I've been waiting for this moment.
Read 'em and
weep...the hell?!
You know, Becky, it's not enough to pull a bill out of the jar.
You have to pay it, too.
I put it back in the jar so somebody else would pull it.
Let's just call it a night.
No, no! Guys! Guys! No! Come here! Hey!
Hey. Look. I got a-a -- I got a light on my phone!
I got a light! See?
Guys, come on!
I got four kings!