**
[ Sniffs ]
Whoa! For once I come in here and something smells good.
[ Laughs ]
It's Beverly Rose's first day of kindergarten.
I wanted to do something special,
so I'm making her Cap'n Crunch pancakes
with whipped cream and strawberries on top.
Good idea.
Get her jacked up on sugar here
then hand her off to her teacher.
Where's the pack of frozen strawberries?
Oh, I was using it as a cold pack in bed
for my sore shoulder.
If you need a cold pack, use the frozen broccoli!
That's the only reason we buy it.
I don't like having broccoli that close to my mouth,
but okay.
So, the big day is finally here.
I have a little present for Beverly Rose.
Oh, my gosh. You're giving her a pencil case.
Yeah. It's my old one. See? It says, "Trust no one."
Wow. You looking to hit on the teacher?
'Cause that car-wash perfume says,
"Buy me a sandwich and I'm yours."
No. I just want to make a good impression on him.
And if he's rich and single
and only teaching to ease his guilt
about the money, that's a bonus.
Okay. So you're sucking up.
You know that sends a message to your kid, right?
There is nothing wrong with trying to be the teacher's pet.
You gotta work the system to succeed.
Is that why you always dressed like your teacher
when you were a kid?
First of all, I look great in knit separates.
And it worked.
She loved me so much, I doubled my wardrobe
after her husband left her and her new love became pie.
When's Beverly Rose coming up?
I'm here to document the big day.
Aww! That's so sweet! Yeah.
I want her to have good memories of her first day of school.
My mom said I was too plain to like,
so she told me to put on a skirt,
climb up to the top of the jungle gym,
and, that way, at least I'd be popular
with the boys on the bottom.
But it didn't work,
so she made sure I had a wad of dollar bills
I could pass out so the boys would talk to me.
So it was like the opposite of being a striper.
You showed them your underwear and gave them money.
You are correct!
I'm putting a note in Beverly Rose's lunch.
Aww.
I made sandwich in the shape of a heart.
Tell me if this is too much.
[Voice breaking] "When you eat this,
my heart will be in your tummy all day."
[ Camera whirs ]
You know, I knew this would be
a really emotional morning for you...
[ Jackie laughs ]
...so I cleared my schedule
so I could ride with you to school for support.
You're just trying to co-opt my moment.
I'm prepared for today.
Oh, my God! You're really going?!
I'm not gonna see you till noon!
I knew this would happen.
[ Camera whirs ]
So, just off the top of my head, you want a ride?
[Crying] Yeah.
**
-- Captions by VITA --
[ Humming ]
[ Chuckles ]
Ooh! Man.
Gah! Unh!
Aah! Unh!
You know, they sell ketchup in stores.
You don't have to make your own.
Don't make fun of the guy
holding the skillet.
I'm almost old enough to kill you
and not care about doing the time.
But you'd have to kill me with your left hand,
which I don't think you can do.
So, I see your bursitis is still acting up.
It'll be fine. Fine?
A tomato just beat you
in a fight, old man.
You know, I might be able to help you out there.
I've had some training in Reiki,
and they say that I have healing powers.
[ Chuckles ]
You're not gonna touch me, are you?
No, no. I'll just --
My hands will just hover over the area where it hurts,
and then I'll use my energy to remove the blockage
and so the healing can take place naturally.
Okay, but no touching! No, no.
No, you just close your eyes and try and relax.
Alright.
Now, my hands are just applying the vibration.
Right there. Okay. So...
Here we go. Hm.
[ Humming Reiki chant ]
Fbpht!
[ Humming Reiki chant ]
Fbpht!
[ Chuckling ] Wow! Whoa!
[ Laughs ]
Anything? No.
No? Allow it in, Dan.
I'm allowing it, Jackie!
Skepticism is the barrier to health.
Alright.
So...I'm just gonna have to extend
the frequency of my energy and dig a little deeper.
You're not gonna touch me though, right?
No, you big baby. I'm not gonna touch you.
Hey, guys.
[ Screams ] Ow! You touched me!
What are you freaks doing?!
Your grandfather is suffering from severe bursitis
in his shoulder, and I'm just trying to heal him.
I don't know why you boomers are waving your hands around
when you could just smoke some weed.
I do it every morning to loosen up before I exercise.
Then I don't end up exercising
and I just watch TikToks of people falling down.
But I still feel great.
He doesn't need more drugs.
No, his old veins, they can barely transport the blood.
And knock it off with the old-guy stuff.
I used to smoke weed in high school
when I hurt myself playing football.
I kinda forgot about it 'cause I used to smoke weed
in high school when I hurt myself playing football.
Yeah. That was then.
Now you drink like a fish. You eat like crap.
You don't need to throw any more trash
onto that landfill you call a body.
Well, the weed today isn't trash.
You can walk into a dispensary
and get carefully cultivated stuff.
It might help your pain, Grandpa.
We're going to the weed store.
Jackie: Oh, great. Yeah.
I'm going with ya. 'Cause you're gonna need
somebody from the streets who can speak the lingo.
Oh, that'd be nice, but I think Snoop Dogg's busy
making cupcakes with Martha Stewart.
I was talking about me.
You haven't even taken a toke of the jazz cabbage,
you can't follow a simple conversation.
**
Okay, Littles, now, what is this shape?
Triangle.
Thank you, Beverly Rose.
And this is a...
Rectangle.
She's kind of a chip off the old block.
Don't let the spaghetti stains fool you.
Honors Society. Three years running.
Massive underachiever.
And I really hope we can hear
from some of the other kids tomorrow.
Clean-up time!
Beverly Rose's mom, can I speak to you for a second?
I know what you're gonna say.
Beverly Rose does seem to be
mopping the floors with these kids.
But it's not a contest.
She's clearly very bright.
I know. And vocal.
Maybe too vocal.
I'm sorry?
This is supposed to be a time for the Littles
to not only learn, but to gain some self-esteem.
But Beverly Rose isn't giving any of the other kids a chance.
She only feels free to talk
because you have created such a safe environment.
And that is a testament to your teaching.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Teacher of the Year.
Unfortunately, I've had to move
Beverly Rose's clothespin from green to yellow.
Whether or not they turn it around is all about the parent.
Oh. Wow. Okay.
Well, you are looking at a parent
who is great at turning things around.
By the way, love the knit separates.
I am so proud of you
for having such a good first day of school.
I answered all the questions.
Yes, you did.
And that's what we're gonna talk about.
Even if you know all the answers,
it might be nice to give the other kids a chance.
But it takes so long for them to answer.
And then they do it wrong!
Well, it's okay to be wrong.
They can't help it if they're not as smart as you.
That's what I told them so they wouldn't feel bad.
If you don't let the other kids answer,
your clothespin is gonna stay on yellow.
And we don't want that.
You are a green clothespin daughter.
And I am a green clothespin mommy!
Okay.
Okay. I gotta get back to The Lunch Box.
Which is evidently
what a green clothespin gets you in life.
I have boobs and blond hair, and that just kills you.
Did you ever get a yellow clothespin? [ Door opens ]
Uh, well, I passed through yellow... [ Door closes ]
...on my way to permanent red.
Does it bother you that you got a yellow clothespin?
I guess so.
But...?
I like knowing all the answers.
Well, then you keep answering.
And if somebody tells you to stop, you do it louder.
Look, I love your mom like a sister, but...
...the clothespin thing is just a scam.
I mean, you don't feel like you did anything wrong, do you?
No, but when I say too many answers,
I don't get to go to the prize bucket.
Well, the prize is knowing that you rock
and those other kids are losers.
Now, speaking of losers,
you want to sit in on a meeting
of a bunch of really pathetic green-clothespin people?
Oh! I wasn't muted.
**
Whoa. Look at all this.
It's like Seth Rogen and Willy Wonka had a baby.
Kinda sad. It's so corporate.
There was something sweet about buying drugs in the park.
-Can I help you? -Easy, slick!
He may look like a decrepit old fool,
but he's got me with him, 'cause he is.
I just need something for pain.
The pain of living in an unjust world
where the planet's burning up
and we're losing our rights to fascist rule?
Or, like, a hurt foot?
The foot one, but it's in my shoulder. Yeah.
I used to smoke a little in high school.
Oh, yeah, we both did. A couple of hopheads, yeah.
And I tell you, we didn't get our grass
from some doobie warehouse like you softies.
We had to go to the other side of the tracks
to see the doodah man!
I've tried a lot of stuff with CBD in it,
and it just doesn't seem to be helping.
You're a pretty big guy.
I think you can handle some strong flower.
This is Nightmare.
It's, uh, very high in THC.
Or there's this one.
It's called Brain Bleed.
It's strong, but you can play tennis on it.
I just need something where I can't feel my shoulder.
This one's called I Can't Feel My Face, but...
...it'll probably work on the shoulder.
Do you want gummies or flower?
Candy!
Okay. That will be $40.
Holy crap. 40 bucks.
Don't you have a barrel where he can just bag
a couple of loose ones?
Sorry, ma'am. This isn't taffy,
and this isn't Coney Island in the '30s.
Listen, Harry Pothead.
I've destroyed more opportunities with drugs
than you'll ever hope to.
Oh, dude, you gotta be high.
**
Beverly Rose, go downstairs and wash your hands
and I'll make you a snack, okay?
We need to talk.
Alright. Fine. Hang on. I'm at work.
I agree with what Anne said.
[ Keyboard clicks ]
Go.
When I picked up Beverly Rose,
her teacher said that she was
twice as aggressive as she was yesterday.
"Aggressive" or "assertive"?
'Cause there's a big difference.
Before, she was just answering all the questions.
Now she's actively calling out the kids for being dumb.
And when her teacher threatened to give her a red clothespin,
she said it was a scam!
Well, that is very perceptive for a 5-year-old,
and you should be proud.
You told her that!
She asked me if I ever got a yellow clothespin.
And she asked me 'cause she didn't understand
why she was in trouble for being smart.
All I told her was to be herself.
It was none of your business.
You should have stayed out of it.
Well, Beverly Rose shouldn't have to hide her light.
You want her playing stupid all her life
just so people like her?
It's not playing stupid. It's being strategic.
Angry little ball-busters who alienate everybody
don't get rewarded in school, Darlene.
Uh, they made me crossing guard, Becky!
Yeah, on the most dangerous street
the farthest away from the school!
Don't you wonder why they never gave you the reflective vest?
They told me they ran out of them!
Asking Beverly Rose not to answer is wrong, Becky.
No, it's not. She needs to learn
how to get along with people in the real world.
Get along or know her place?
I cannot believe you didn't defend her.
You know, Mom had her problems, but she would have
gone down there and ripped that teacher's head off.
Yeah, and then you're the kid with the crazy mom.
How'd you like that?
Well, I wanted to crawl into a hole while she was doing it,
but it made me feel protected and more confident,
and that made me stronger.
You have to think about what kind of person you're teaching
Beverly Rose to become.
Yeah, you want her to be less like me and more like you,
and that's the last thing I want.
Oh, really? You think it's better for her to be like you?
You were so anxious to please
that you gave up your education and your family
so that you could move with Mark to Minnesota!
Wow. You have nothing else to say to me.
Get out of my face!
You know, maybe if you were easier to get along with,
they wouldn't make you work at home!
They don't make me! It's my option!
**
[ Door closes ]
What's going on? [Meekly] Nothin'.
Okay. How many gummies did you take?
I don't know.
I took one, and it didn't work,
so I took a second one.
Then the first one kicked in,
then I got hungry and I took a third one.
Don't ever take the third one.
Okay.
You're gonna sit down on the couch right here,
and everything's gonna be fine.
I can't walk. Huh?
My feet are on the wrong feet.
You mean they're not your feet?
No. What's wrong with you? Of course they're my feet!
They're on the wrong legs! They don't want to walk together!
Okay, well, I can help you with that.
I can just switch them back.
[ Speaks gibberish ] They're all back! Okay?
Now let's go... [ Chuckles ]
Go over to the couch.
[ Shouts gibberish ]
[ Laughs ]
Lie down.
Ohh. Ahh. How long were we walking?
For like an hour, right? Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Oh, God. You guys got the edibles, huh?
Yeah.
It's not candy, children! Get him some carbs!
Yeah. Hey.
Uh, let's put something on the TV for you, yeah?
Something soothing and familiar.
[ Crowd cheering ]
Go back. Go back to the first one.
That's the screensaver.
Stay there.
Okay. Don't tell me how it ends.
**
And which one of my Littles knows what animal this is?
A dog.
Good try.
Look at the picture. Read the word.
What does it say?
Dog.
Okay, everyone. Good job. See you tomorrow.
Hey, sweetie. How was your day?
We've got a green clothespin now.
That's great!
I didn't talk all day,
and the teacher said that was a good thing.
Wait. You didn't talk at all?
No, even when I knew all the answers, like you said.
It was really hard.
And now the teacher likes me,
and I got a yo-yo from the prize bucket.
Well, there's a Pavlovian nightmare.
Honey, wait for me in the hall, okay?
Oh, hi, Becky!
All my Littles got to talk today and it was a much better day.
Beverly Rose participated in a non-disruptive way.
What do you mean "participated"?
She just sat there shut down all day.
Oh, no. She was a very lively listener and observer today.
Good job, Mom!
Is that what we're raising here --
girls who are good little listeners and observers?
You're also teaching her that if she shows how smart she is,
she'll get punished!
She's learning from you right now that she should be a woman
who keeps quiet in the board meeting
even if the CEO is calling a cat a dog!
And I'll tell you another thing.
I don't give a damn whether you think
I'm a good mom or not.
My kid will decide that with her therapist in 20 years.
But right now she is going to answer whenever she wants,
and you will deal with it.
Oh, my God.
I just realized you're one of those Conners.
I remember your mom coming into my third-grade class
and losing it on the teacher
because your sister Darlene got a "D" on her diorama.
She said, "How could she get a 'D' on it
when Becky got an 'A' on it when she turned it in?"
Oh, yeah, you're right. You just got Conner-ed!
And the apple doesn't fall far from the tree,
so buckle up, buttercup!
**
Hey. How ya feeling?
Well, the pain's back.
Maybe I gotta face the fact
that at my age pains just don't go away.
You really just didn't know that you're old?
No, when I wake up in the morning
I'm still the same guy playing football in high school.
Then when I try to get out of bed,
there's a lot of rocking and screaming
until I get the momentum to stand on my feet.
It's a shame because it sounds like
the weed worked for the pain.
You could pick a strain that's not too strong
and grow it yourself.
You already own a water bed. It's the next logical step.
And I'd save 40 bucks a week.
Well, you could grow it in your closet.
I'll show you how.
Yes, I could move all my tuxedos and cashmere driving coats
to the washing machine in the driveway.
Okay. Let's do it.
Would ya like to grow drugs with your old grandpa?
[ Chuckles ]
Aw, shucks, Grandpa. That'd be swell.
Hee-hee-hee!
Go ahead and eat that in the kitchen, hon.
But don't let Grandpa see it, or the clogged artery monster
will come and get him in the night!
Okay.
Ice-cream cone right before dinner? [ Door closes ]
Bad day, Mom?
Horrible.
I found out Darlene was right about something.
And now I'm putting down my phone.
You had a point.
I didn't listen.
I was so anxious to please the teacher,
I made Beverly Rose scared to talk.
Oh, well, you don't have to apologize.
I didn't apologize. I said you were right.
Well, I shouldn't have gotten involved.
You know what I think you both learned?
Is that Beverly Rose shouldn't be you or you.
She'll figure out who she's supposed to be -- me.
Yeah, if you strip away all the layers of self-loathing.
And the crazy that chills you to the bone,
you have...
A shirt and a haircut that belong
on a sculpture in New Mexico?
[ Humming Reiki chant ] Fbpht!
**
Grandpa, I brought you an ice-cream sandwich.
I want to see the clogged artery monster come and get you.
Where did you hear that?
Mommy, Aunt Jackie, Aunt Darlene.
Were they planning something?
Because if they were hoping to see
the term life insurance monster,
I transformed him into a mortgage payment monster
and a new sewer line!
[Gravelly] And now I'm a new kind of monster.
Give me that ice-cream sandwich!
And you're awful sweet. I'm gonna eat you up, too!
[ Beverly Rose squealing, Dan growling ]