♪♪
[ Sighs ]
Hey, honey, you're home early.
Wait. You finally realized that being a stay-at-home wife
and taking care of your man
is the greatest satisfaction a woman can have.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, you guessed it.
Now, sit down and enjoy your arsenic.
But what are you doing home?
Oh, the owners of Casita Bonita weren't taking me
and the other employees seriously about unionizing.
So, after lunch, we walked out.
Good for you. Yeah.
And they know that we're not gonna budge off of our demands,
so I think they're gonna buckle like an old pilgrim's shoe.
Huh. Was one of your demands
that you want more archaic references?
Did you ask for an extra fortnight of vacation
and, uh, increased medical coverage
for vapors and bad humors?
[ Laughter ]
Your contumely is not appreciated,
you gormless troglodyte.
Oh! [ Laughs ]
Smart people.
I don't think we've ever had two of them
in the house at the same time.
Don't you worry, young missy,
we'll bring 'em down to our level.
We're gonna make them watch "Parking Wars"!
Isn't it just a show about people
fighting over parking spots?
Just?
[ Scoffs ] What more do you want?
You guys -- You guys missed it.
Some idiot in a big SUV just took a tight compact space.
Now he can't open his doors. He's trapped.
No, he's not. No, he's not. Uh-oh.
He's squeezing out through the moonroof.
Uh-oh.
His kid is closing the moonroof.
Look at his eyes bulge. [ Laughs ]
Ben: Hey.
Is everything okay?
Uh, it's my job.
Dammit, I knew this was gonna happen.
They let you go?
Uh, no.
I got promoted again.
Alright! Whoa!
Well, that's great!
I guess when you're not used to good news,
you don't know what to do with your face.
No. Look, I'm happy it's more money,
but now I'm the VP of Public Relations.
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
I assume everyone else there died.
No, but that is the first thing I checked.
I'm really happy for you, Darlene.
Forgive me if I don't jump up and down,
but I just walked out over 75 more cents an hour
and a hand-washing station in the kitchen.
That sucks, Louise, and I'm sure I seem like an ungrateful jerk,
but I don't know why they picked me for this job.
I know why they picked you.
Because it's funny when people who look like children
say adult things.
No, because she's working class, she's a mom raising a family,
and people are more likely to listen to her
than some slick, corporate guy.
Yeah, I get that, but I've never done anything like this.
Ah, just do what men do.
Take the job regardless of being qualified
and you stay around long enough until you harass somebody,
and then they move you up in the company.
♪♪
-- Captions by VITAC --
"The Conners" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
Hey! You get a promotion like Darlene?
'Cause that's the face, right?
No.
The owners of Casita Bonita closed it for good.
The doors are padlocked.
I'm outta work.
Oh, wow, that's crazy.
I might have told a few people about that soap thing.
It wasn't about that, was it?
Did another cat give birth in the oven?
No.
They said they can't afford a union wage
because the cost of food has gone up so much.
Nobody wants to pay $16 for a burrito that's mostly potatoes.
Hey, I'm gonna miss that place.
It's where you and I found each other again.
Yeah. We had our first dates there.
I'm gonna miss it, too.
And Beverly Rose was conceived in the freezer there.
Can't find a romantic way to spin that.
To Casita Bonita.
Aww. Yeah. Yeah.
Ah. I just lost my wife's income,
so I'm gonna need a couple more of these.
Anyone? Well, I just found out
my buddy lost his wife's income,
so I'm gonna drink with him so he's not sad.
You know, Jackie, um, I'm --
I'm gonna be looking for another restaurant position.
Oh, that's gonna be a challenge. Good luck with that.
I know that we had our ups and downs
when I first joined the family.
Oh, man, did we.
But I-I feel like we're in a really good place now.
Do you? Good for you.
Jackie, she wants a job.
Do you mind?
Yeah, I want a job.
And it's a great idea.
I have all this experience, I can work any shift you need,
and we're family, so you can trust me.
Timing's right.
My only other server's part-time now
because she's working on her "psychology degree,"
which is causing problems.
Uh, the "other server" wants to know what problems.
Last week, you psychoanalyzed everybody based on their order.
What is it about a tuna melt that makes you a narcissist?
[ Laughs ] Everything.
And I supposed you believe that people order a hot dog
just because they want a hot dog.
It has nothing to do with their father.
Here's something I've been thinking about.
I've always wanted to try the "Buy a beer,
and if the Bears win, it's free" scam.
Oh, wow. Wow. I never thought of that.
[ Laughs ] Well, you must have at least done the drinking game,
where the customers do a shot every time the Bears fumble.
As soon as they get the ball, I start pouring.
Look at you with all the ideas.
Finally, a server who understands
the hospitality business.
I'm not just a server.
I-I was a manager.
Okay, well, maybe you could work for five minutes
before we start talking titles.
I'm just saying, I-I worked all these years to become a manager.
Uh-huh.
Hey, I got an idea for a drinking game, too.
We'll all take a shot every time you say "manager."
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
Ah. It's nice Wellman's shelling out a couple bucks
for Beverly Rose's school.
Do I look like the head of PR?
You look like a shaky little Chihuahua,
but you always look like that.
I'm bored.
How much longer do I have to stand here?
We're trying to be supportive of Aunt Darlene.
Believe me, I know it's hard.
Thank you for coming.
Uh, I am very proud to be representing Wellman Plastics
as we donate a year's supply of utensils, plates, and cups
to Lanford Public School's free breakfast program.
[ Applause ]
Hi, there. I'm Jimmie Pike from the "Lanford Gazette."
Oh. Did I blink in that photo?
I always do that, but it's worse
when I try to keep 'em wide open.
I look like Japanese anime.
I just want to know, is this event to distract
from the accusations from an anonymous whistleblower
that Wellman is polluting the groundwater in Lanford?
What?
Uh -- I don't know anything about that.
Company has no comment.
No, no. No, no.
I-I can't comment
'cause I really haven't heard anything about that.
You can ask me anything you want about the placemats
and the forks and the knives for the children.
Okay, is the toxic runoff from making the knives
and the forks for the children
killing the children?
Here at Wellman, we have a strict policy
against killing children.
Write that down.
Company thinks destroying the environment is funny.
Come on, Jimmie, give me a break.
This is my first day.
Look, I'll ask my bosses about it and then we can talk later, okay?
You take bad photos,
you don't know how to do your job.
I'm looking forward to it.
♪♪
This feels very weird.
I asked for a meeting, not like a big fancy dinner.
Well, I don't think it's weird.
I mean, this is how executives do things.
And, you know, they can write this whole thing off.
Lobster mashed potatoes?! That's fantastic!
In nature, those two things would never meet.
Just don't talk a lot.
Hey. Hey, Darlene. Good to see you.
Hi, Mr. Wellman.
Ben. Hi.
Wow. This is all so nice,
but it wasn't necessary for you to take us out to dinner.
Well, Bella and I just wanted to celebrate your promotion,
and go over the plan to publicize
our commitment to the community.
Oh, that's great.
Um, and -- and like I said in my e-mail,
I just want to know if there's anything
to what this reporter was talking about?
Absolutely not.
They're just fishing for a story.
We've done studies, and they all come back clean.
Oh. Hear that? Water's clean.
Let's celebrate with some oysters?
The doctor gave me vitamins.
I have a condition where I need to be happier.
[ Raspy ] I find they absorb better with Chardonnay.
Well, um, those studies make me feel a lot better.
So, if we are not contaminating anything,
would you mind just telling the press that?
That's exactly what you are gonna do.
Those are the dates for your media tour,
a list of, uh, difficult questions you might encounter,
and the talking points we'd like you to stick to.
Okay. Yeah.
Looks like there's some very vague things you want me to say.
"As a mom with two kids, I trust the Wellman family
to do what's right for our community.
We know we can live well with Wellman."
Well, a little stiff and awkward,
but that's how a real person would read it.
Yeah, I mean, that's -- that's what we want,
somebody from the community.
I mean, we all live in the same town.
Your, uh, media tour starts in about a week.
You'll do great.
Dress in that lumberjack thing you usually do
and whatever's happening up there with your hair,
just keep doing it.
I'm going to the restroom.
Would you mind escorting me while these two talk business?
When the Chard hits my vitamins, I get a little wobbly.
That's understandable.
Those vitamins have killed a lot of rockstars.
No, I think it's best if I escort you, my precious angel.
Here we go. Excuse us.
[ Scoffs ]
This is all corporate double-speak.
Something about this does not feel right.
Look, is there anyone that's been at the company a long time
and knows Bill Wellman enough to tell you
whether you can trust him or not?
Well, yeah. There's Robin,
but I don't want her to think I can't handle this job.
Oh, well, I think we've established
you can't handle the job, but look...
you trust Robin and see what she thinks.
Huh.
Did you know that your Wellman shampoo bottle
will be recycled into playground equipment
in slide-less communities?
Thank God for this company.
I'm getting truffle fries for the table.
♪♪
So, how do you like working here?
Well, I know everybody. I know the menu.
I feel like I've been working here forever.
[ Chuckles ] Me, too,
but in a way that makes me want to
slam my face into this cake.
So, how do you like my ideas for bringing in more business?
They're all the changes that those idiots
at Casita Bonita wouldn't even listen to.
I'm glad somebody's bringing in fresh ideas.
There haven't been any since I lost interest.
[ Chuckles ]
Clearly, she's forgotten about Stew-mendous Mondays,
uh, Stew Year's Eve, and Stew-Paul's Drag Race.
[ Chuckles ]
You know, as much as people love stew puns...
[ Laughs ]
...there's a whole menu of stuff here we can promote.
Yeah.
Yeah, but we're mostly about the stew.
Mm, that's your problem.
You need some high margin items,
like a-a fried chicken platter or skirt steak.
Okay, okay.
Well, if you think the average Midwestern working type
is gonna want, uh, fried chicken and steak, that's --
that's -- that's great.
Yeah, we'll roll the dice.
Hey. How's it going with Louise?
Um, well, I think she's starting to feel very comfortable here.
Not afraid to use her voice.
Hey, Robin. Hey, Jackie.
Um, I love your new Bears promotion.
Yeah. Yeah, genius.
And I'm the idiot who never thought of it.
Still hates herself, I see.
Well, thanks for coming. Mm.
Well, I'm always happy to, uh, drive across town,
where it's convenient for you.
So, you said you wanted to pick my brain, so have at it.
Thanks.
Um, is Bill Wellman a lying scumbag?
Well, let me ask you this first.
Is this for the company newsletter
or a birthday cake or what?
No, I-I was at my first PR event,
and this reporter told me that an anonymous whistleblower
said that Wellman is polluting the groundwater,
but Bill tells me that we have studies
that say that's not true.
Well, that's interesting.
That's not an answer.
I know. I'm being evasive.
Come on. Is he a liar?
Well, as your fellow employee at Wellman, I'd say no.
But as the anonymous whistleblower,
I'd have to say yes.
What? Why didn't you tell me that?
Look, in my defense, never in my wildest dreams
did I think they'd make you someone important.
Okay, but how can you still work there
knowing they're polluting our water?
Because I like to eat and live indoors.
And I'm only a year away from getting a pension.
Oh, my God.
Well, now, what am I gonna do?
Well, for starters, when you're taking a shower,
always keep your mouth closed.
♪♪
Dammit.
The company picked me to be their stooge
because they know I can't afford to quit.
And they're right, but if this is too much for you,
we'll figure something out. How?
I won't get unemployment,
the kids and I won't have health insurance.
We can't lose that.
I had like a month worth of rainy-day money saved up,
and then I stopped for gas and bought groceries.
Now we got like six hours.
Well, I say we get a pizza, see a movie,
and just go out in a blaze of glory.
Have you thought about asking for your old job back?
Yeah, maybe I should do that.
I'd still know the company's wrecking the environment,
but it would buy me some time to find a new job.
What if they won't?
Well, then I have to try to get myself fired.
You know, then at least, I could get unemployment.
Yeah, just grab Robin's ass and they'll get rid of you
for creating a hostile workplace.
That won't work.
Everybody already thinks we're a couple.
Well, visually, it makes more sense than you and Ben.
♪♪
Made any decisions about expanding the menu?
No. Not yet. Nope. Still thinking about it.
Okay.
How about, uh, changing the website?
It's impossible to use.
No. It's not. It's simple.
Right now, you look at a picture of the food, you click on it.
That takes you the old website that has the menu,
you look at what you want, you go back to the new website,
type in what you want and how many,
and then you give us a call
to make sure we're not out of anything,
you solve the riddle at the checkout page
for a free slice of cheesecake, and you're done.
Just...
a drunken monkey could do it.
You have to stop dragging your feet.
I'm not dragging my feet. I'm thinking.
Hey, what's the code to the bathroom?
What code?
Uh, I put a code lock on the bathroom door
so non-customers couldn't just wander in here
and use the restroom.
This is a family restaurant.
Everybody who comes through that door, I consider family.
Yeah, this feels like a discussion
you should have after I get the code.
1-1-1-2.
Oh, that's great. Oh, that --
O-Okay, a long list of random numbers
that's gonna be impossible to remember.
So, I can't believe --
Why did you do something like that without asking me?
I did it because every time I ask you to make a decision,
you get paralyzed.
No, that's not true.
That's not -- See? Moving!
Come on, Jackie.
You can't make any decisions, even if they're good for you,
like -- like the website.
Like landing on one career.
Like finally dating my brother.
Look, I'm -- I'm only trying to help you.
I don't need your help!
Stop telling me how to live my life, Roseanne!
Oh, my God.
That was an actual Freudian slip!
You read about it in textbooks,
but you never think you're gonna see one in person.
Could you get all unhinged again?
I wanna record it for class.
Uh, excuse me, Mr. Wellman.
Can we talk? Yeah, sure, sure.
What can I do for you, Darlene?
Um, look, I really appreciate the promotion,
but I would like to go back to my old job managing the line.
I'm just not comfortable being a public speaker.
Everyone feels that way at first. Stick with it.
You'll find your own voice using the words we provide for you.
Uh, Mr. Wellman, I'm having a lot of anxiety.
I really need to do this. Well, I'm sorry, Darlene,
but your old job has already been filled.
If you don't want the promotion, I guess you'll have to quit.
Okay.
Um, if you don't fire me, I'm gonna go to the press
because I found out the truth about the groundwater.
You do that and we will sue you and your family
for everything you're worth.
[ Scoffs ]
What else you got?
My family's been preparing for this moment for years.
Okay, well, how about this?
You go to the press, and I will bury you in legal debt so deep,
it'll keep your kids broke for the rest of their lives.
Okay. I quit.
Oh, please don't accept my resignation for two hours.
I gotta go to the dentist and the eye doctor
and see if I can squeeze in a colonoscopy.
♪♪
So, we should talk.
Not if you're gonna scream at me.
Sorry.
Um, today, when you were telling me
that I couldn't run my own life, suddenly, I was eight again,
and I was baking a cupcake in my Easy-Bake Oven,
and I could hear Roseanne saying,
"No, you're doing it all wrong.
Now I have to do it all for you."
And then my mom would come in and say,
"Don't upset Roseanne --"
I don't think you're incompetent, Jackie,
and I just got upset because you were dismissing me.
I only wanted to help.
Well, it's the way you helped.
Roseanne never listened to me.
She never cared about anything I had to say.
Well, I care about what you have to say,
because I know how that feels.
The owners at Casita Bonita would ignore me
every time I tried to suggest anything.
I thought you would at least appreciate my ideas.
Oh, I do. I do appreciate your ideas.
You just have to express them in a way that I can...
pretend they're mine.
That's all.
Wow.
Where do you come up with stuff like that?
Yeah. I don't know. I-I --
I don't even analyze it, you know?
You know, later on, we will go grab a glass of wine,
and I'll give you some other stuff you're gonna come up with.
Oh, you mean like ideas I've already had?
Still ahead of me.
[ Chuckles ]
You guys work everything out?
'Cause I was worried about you.
Aw, don't worry, Becky. I started dinner.
She thinks I'm her sister, you think I'm your cook.
Not just that.
You're also the nice lady
we're gonna dump our dad on when he's old.
Yeah.
Which is...
now.
Well...
I did it.
Quit my job.
Ooh. Okay.
Let's see what I taught you.
Dentist? Check.
Lady parts doctor?
Check.
Upstairs and downstairs?
Check, and grow up.
I'm gonna be in my bed for the next week.
Please take care of my children,
or, you know, sell them at a fair price.
♪♪
Why can't I be the manager? 'Cause I'm the manager.
I don't need another manager.
But you're the owner. So I-I should be the manager.
I like being the manager.
Yeah, but if I'm the manager,
it takes the pressure off you being the manager.
Mom, Mom, two more shots. Mnh-mnh.
She was out after the first five "managers."
Jackie: Oh, maybe you could be co-manager.
I'll allow it.