♪♪
How's the job hunt going, Mom?
Slow. It's the first time
I've ever applied for managerial positions.
The jobs I used to look for just asked
if I've ever been to prison
and to click on all the squares that have stop signs in 'em.
Well, I'd be careful about putting all
that personal information out there, Darlene.
What if you're sending your résumé to some nefarious creep
lurking on the Dark Web?
Well, if Thanos is looking
for a mid-level minion and he promotes from within,
I'd at least like to be considered.
I'm gonna go get everybody.
Have you gotten any responses yet?
You know, just the usual first wave of rejections,
but that happens when you apply for a lot of jobs.
Sorry. All that rejection must really hurt.
I mean, I don't know, 'cause I got my Whole Foods job
10 minutes after I applied.
Grandpa. That's for everybody.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize
we were in the middle of a famine.
Well, did you get a job yet?
Not since you asked two hours ago.
My dad always said,
"You don't quit a job till ya got another job."
Of course, he was a drunk who also said
nothing good ever came from educated women.
My point is, I bet you regret
leaving Wellman so quickly now.
[ Groans ] I know I regret it.
The company was destroying the environment, Ben.
I couldn't live with myself if I worked there for one more day.
Yes, I know, and I appreciate that,
but just for the sake of argument,
isn't everything a little bad for the environment?
No. [ Sighs ]
My dad left me cheap old paint from Nigeria with lead in it,
and I mix and sell that paint every day
and I sleep like a log.
Probably 'cause I mix paint with lead in it, but...
I know you're worried, but I'm going to get something.
I finally have a solid résumé that I didn't have to lie on.
What? No lies?!
Let's see this little bio of truth.
No. It's -- It's boring. You wouldn't want to hear it.
Yes, we would. And that's why I...
printed it out. Oh!
"I-I like to think of myself as a people person
who sees the good in everyone."
I do, you mean, empty-headed Barbie!
Uh, "I have a positive attitude, high energy..."
[ Laughs ]
"...and I believe overcontrolling managers
stifle productivity." [ Laughs ]
[ Southern accent ] Oh, I do declare,
I believe my productivity is bein' stifled.
[ Laughter ]
Jackie: Uh-oh, she gonna get it! She gonna get it!
[ Cheering ]
[ Laughter ]
Nobody tells the truth on these things,
or nobody would have a job.
[ Computer chimes ]
Oh. Oh. There you go, people.
My first interview.
With a company that makes acoustic ceiling tiles.
Alright. Dare to dream, everybody.
Alright!
Hey, uh, something just happened
that I need to talk to you guys about.
I was just with Grandma Bev.
The hell were you doing going to see Grandma Bev?
You've seen horror movies.
You're supposed to run away from the monster!
Well, I felt bad because no one goes to see her,
so I took her to a senior aqua-cize class,
and in the middle of it, she scared the hell out of me.
She didn't know where she was or why she was there.
I think she might have dementia.
Ugh. God. Here we go.
Somebody needs my attention.
I don't go see her for a couple of years,
because for once
I hold a boundary to take care of myself,
and now she's got dementia.
When my dad started losing it,
my half-brother urged me to go see him, and I said no.
I regret that.
Maybe it's not an act.
It's her pattern.
Dan, remember?
Last time she moved in with me,
she said it was because she was broke,
but actually they kicked her out of the senior home
for spreading VD.
I'll go see her, but, you know,
if this is somehow chlamydia-related,
I'm gonna be pissed.
♪♪
-- Captions by VITAC --
"The Conners" is filmed
in front of a live studio audience.
Uh, I looked it up, and I never realized
that acoustic ceiling tiles
are really the unsung heroes of our everyday lives.
Well, I must say, Darlene [clears throat]
your résumé does tick all the boxes
for what we're looking for in a production manager.
But I have to ask -- why did you leave Wellman?
Well, I achieved everything I wanted to there,
and I felt it was time to look for bigger challenges.
It's all in my bio.
"Achieved everything, likes to look for bigger challenges."
So, I did speak to your supervisor, Robin.
She was very complimentary.
But Bill Wellman called me about an hour ago.
Oh.
Uh, how's ol' Bill doing?
He told me that you weren't a team player
and you have a bad attitude.
Oh, yeah, we would joke around a lot like that.
He'd say, "You have a bad attitude, Darlene!"
And I'd say, "You're bald and a big liar, Bill!"
And we would just laugh and laugh.
Hm. Hey, look, I get that people hold grudges
when someone they're counting on leaves the company.
I'd love to hear your side of it.
Okay. Here's the truth.
Wellman is poisoning the groundwater,
and they wanted me to lie to the public.
Do you drink water?
'Cause Bill Wellman is trying to murder you.
Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?
Because it sounds crazy if I can't give you any proof.
Bill also said you were an overly dramatic
eco-conspiracy nut with no proof.
Well. [ Clears throat ]
I am not surprised he painted me that way.
Because the truth is...
Bill is in love with me.
I think it's safe to say
we're done here.
Agreed. When do I start?
Blink if I'm hired.
Blink if you validate.
♪♪
[ Knock on door ]
Hello! Jackie: Hi, Mom.
Well, you got me here, so let the show begin!
Kind of surprised that you don't have pants on your head
and you're yelling about aliens
and building a mountain out of mashed potatoes.
What are you going on about?
Nothing you say ever makes sense.
That's why people lose interest in you so quickly.
Okay, well, um, I stopped by for a wellness check.
You're still awful, so I will see you next time
when I'm here to identify the body. Bye.
Just stop your gibberish and come in.
I haven't seen you in forever!
Oi.
Nice circle.
You forgot to draw the pentagram in it.
These are all the things I need.
I was afraid that I would forget where I put them,
so I keep them all near.
Oh, I see. That's a nice touch, Mom, yeah.
So, you know, uh,
the real reason that I'm here is that
Harris said you didn't know where you were yesterday
when you were at the pool for your senior exercise.
Don't be so silly.
I know where I am all the time.
Hmm.
Harris who?
Darlene's daughter, Harris. She took you to the Y.
Just cut the crap.
[ Chuckling ] Mom.
Oh, you don't remember her?
Of course I do. Yes.
And that reminds me.
Could you tell Roseanne
that she needs to come by and visit me, too?
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about your sister.
Do you not know who your sister is?
Roseanne's gone, Mom.
She passed away.
What?
Oh, my God.
When did this happen?
You really don't know, do you?
It was years ago, Mom.
You don't remember any of this?
[ Exhales heavily ]
Okay.
Uh, let's...
Let's get you a-a check-up, and, um...
in the meantime, I'll just... spend the night here.
Yes.
That would be nice. [ Chuckles ]
I always know that I can count on you for comfort.
You know who I am, right?
Of course.
I'm Jackie.
Jackie. Right.
Yeah. Your daughter, Jackie.
I know you're my daughter. Stop slouching!
It makes your tiny boobs look smaller.
Oh, there's my girl.
Great. Bill Wellman is badmouthing me so much,
now I'm even being turned down by jobs I'm perfect for.
If you want, I can ask if there's any openings
at my grocery store.
There are some people who open boxes in the back.
They're strange, kind of feral people with no social skills.
You could be their queen.
You know, when I was in my 22nd hour of labor,
pushing a watermelon through a Cheerio,
I was kind of hoping for somebody more grateful.
He'd be more grateful if that Cheerio
was a portal to another family.
Hey, I got him a new dad.
Anyway, I-I already took a job with a food delivery service.
Dan: Food delivery?
They tip in advance. There's hardly any human contact.
This was practically made for you.
How did it go? Did you see Bev?
I spent the night. Harris is right.
I think she's starting to develop dementia.
I'm so sorry, Jackie. That's rough.
You know, if you don't have an active social life,
you have a higher chance of getting dementia,
and we left her alone a lot.
Yeah, well, because of the COVID.
Sure. Of course. The COVID.
That's our story, right?
They also say you have a higher chance of getting it
if you have a hearing loss. I missed that sign.
Damn woman never heard a word I said.
Look, I just, uh, wanted to let you know what was going on,
but I know it all falls on me, and it's just so damn unfair!
[ Refrigerator door opens ]
Morning beer, huh?
Well, if there was ever a time.
But they say if you drink alone, you have a problem.
Let me help you stay healthy.
Thanks. It is unfair.
That woman doesn't deserve to have you look after her
for the rest of her life.
That's not the unfair part, Dan.
I should've gone to her sooner.
Well, now that you know, you can be there for her.
I'm not talking about compassion.
I'm talking about revenge, man!
Now, when I finally get my life together,
she's all in and out of it.
I might never get the satisfaction
of telling her how wrong she was about me!
So, catch her while she's "in" and let her know
how you overcame all the damage she did to you.
I was afraid to tell her while she's so vulnerable,
but she never cared about my vulnerability.
I'm gonna do it.
Spent her entire life telling me what a failure I was.
I'm gonna shove my happiness right in her face!
That's what I always wanted to kill her, not dementia.
♪♪
This all sounds good, Darlene. I think you'd be a perfect fit.
I'll e-mail you an offer in a few.
Oh, that would be so great, Travis. Thank you.
What was that?
One of the people that Robin talked to
before Bill stopped her is offering me a job.
Yes! Ha!
It's a mid-level management position
at a ball-point pen manufacturing plant.
Ohh!
I'm feeling a happy dance coming on!
Yeah...yeah.
Ha-ha!
[ Computer chimes ]
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. Here's the offer.
Oh, crap.
He's lowballing me. Well, come on.
That's still more than you're gonna make delivering food.
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Well, speaking of, I have to make some deliveries.
But first -- You know what? No.
[ Keyboard clacking ] "I appreciate the offer,
but I need 50% more.
I'm willing to look past all my other offers for this one."
Come on. You really think now is the time to be bluffing?
You got a bird in the hand.
Look, I know you're scared, and I'm scared, too,
but I did the impossible.
I'm a Conner and I clawed my way into management
and a decent salary.
You know, if I take this offer,
I could end up working the rest of my life
and never make it back to where I was.
You're right.
Don't take a penny less than you deserve.
And get medical, too.
Oh, yeah. You know what?
You're right. I-I've earned that.
Yeah, we're gonna need it, 'cause I think I pulled
something in my groin doing the happy dance.
♪♪
Food delivery! It's Darlene with your food!
[ Chuckles ]
Darlene Conner?
From the job interview?
Well, of course.
Who else would this happen to?
This is classic.
I assume the other job offers you were talking about
were from Pizza Hut and Grubhub?
Um, look, this is awkward, obviously.
Uh, but I just didn't want to jump into
the wrong management position,
so I took a temp job.
But my qualifications haven't changed,
so if you are good with my counter-offer,
we split a six-foot sub,
and the people at the 12-step meeting
have to fill up on coffee and cigarettes.
I know this is a bad coincidence,
but let's be honest --
it doesn't make any sense for me to negotiate.
Okay. How about this?
I can go...
as low as that.
Oh. Look at that. It's one of yours.
My family is waiting for dinner. Do we have a deal or not?
Look, I deserve what I asked for,
and I just can't take any less.
You're making a big mistake.
No, you're making a big mistake,
because you could have a great employee,
but corporate guys like you are so greedy
that they have to grind the little guy for pennies
rather than pay them what they're worth.
And it's pretty messed up that you're taking advantage of me
because you think I'm desperate.
Well, I'm not desperate enough to sell my integrity
to some greedy bastard like you.
And you know what?
I ate your coleslaw, and it was fantastic.
♪♪
Hey, Mom. I saw the nurse. She said you had a good day.
Everything come back to you? You know who I am?
Of course I do, Jackie.
I hope this is good soup.
Not like that warm dishwater you serve
at that failing restaurant of yours.
Okay. Alright.
Well, now that I know the lights are on...
Uh, it's not failing. It's thriving.
Mom. [ Clears throat ]
You spent your entire life belittling me,
uh, making me doubt myself, hate myself,
uh, telling me that I'd never be happy or worthy of love,
and you were wrong.
Mom, I'm happy, I'm healthy,
and I found somebody who loves me,
and we got married, and we didn't invite you,
and he's a doctor, Mom!
And he thinks I'm funny and adorable,
and we are gonna hold each other tight
until the day we die!
Hunh! [ Laughs ]
Man, I've -- I've spent my entire life
trying to get your approval, and now I don't need it.
You understand? [ Chuckles ]
Do ya?
This is very important to me that you understand...
that I don't need your approval.
I have to not have it. Give it to me.
Al Harris is taking me
to the sock hop Saturday night.
I think he wants to go steady.
No. Wait. No.
Mom, don't do this to me.
Why am I even talking to you?
Where's my daughter? I wanna tell my daughter!
I'm right here! Mom, do you remember me?
Huh?!
I-I-I'm the loser who no sane man could ever love.
Who wouldn't love you?
I mean, I know we just met, but let me give you a hug!
Sure.
Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
You seem like a lovely person.
So...
why don't you sit down and...
[ Chuckles ]
Here. There you go.
And I'll just sit over here.
And, um...
I'll tell you about my mom.
Oh, God. She was a horrible person.
♪♪
Dinner's ready! It's Thanksgiving, people!
What's going on? Where's all the tasteless vegan stuff?
And is that a real turkey or is that
some sort of turkey-shaped mushroom?
Uh, no, that's a dead animal right there.
Lived, breathed, had hopes and dreams,
and now you're gonna eat it.
Thank you, Lord! Can't wait to put gravy on them dreams.
Uh-oh. The last time she cooked us meat
was to tell us that Dad left.
No, I just want you all to know
that I turned down a job yesterday.
I had to do it, but I'm sorry for any sacrifices
you'll be forced to make because of it.
We'll all just tighten our belts a bit for the near future.
But first, I'm gonna loosen mine,
'cause this'll probably be the last big meal
we're gonna have for a while.
You did the right thing passing on that offer.
You're smart, you do your job well,
something else will come along.
[ Door closes ]
You promise? Absolutely not!
Hello, family.
How'd your talk go with Bev?
Uh, I'm not sure.
Right after I finished, she said she was going to the sock hop
with my dead father.
Wow. It's like "Happy Days" with VD and a ghost.
I mean, she was just so in and out of it that I gave up,
and even if it registered,
she'd just forget it the next day. Yeah.
Maybe she's suppressing everything
because it's too painful for her remembering
how awful she was to you.
Wow, Harris. That's very profound.
Yeah, I don't know where that came from.
My brain must have needed the meat.
So, I found somebody part-time,
but now I've got to get a long-term caregiver.
Jackie, I give you a lot of credit
for stepping up to take care of her.
You're being very healthy about this.
Well, even after all the horrible things she did to me,
she's still my mother, but the sad thing is,
I think she's gonna be sweet to me from now on.
Would it help if we reminded you
once in a while that you're a slouching failure?
Aww! You guys!
You're the best!
To Bev.
-Yeah! -To Bev!
Now, I'm not the kind of person
who waits for a will to do something nice.
I wanna see the joy on your little faces
when I give you these things.
Aww. I'm -- I'm not sure we should take stuff, Grandma Bev.
You might change your mind. Shut up!
She wants the pleasure of giving. Let the old woman have it.
This is a very rare,
priceless necklace!
Ohh. Wow!
Made from your Aunt Jackie's umbilical cord!
[ Screams ] Unh!
Think about that next time you call me "old woman."