1
00:00:01,293 --> 00:00:04,880
♪♪

2
00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:11,345
Hello.

3
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:13,138
I'd like to know your name
because I'm going to have

4
00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:15,682
to tell the police
who I shot.

5
00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:17,434
I'm Kai.

6
00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:19,645
It means "ocean."

7
00:00:19,645 --> 00:00:22,564
I'm Dan. It means, "What
the hell are you doing here?"

8
00:00:22,564 --> 00:00:24,525
I'm a friend
of Harris's.

9
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:27,110
Actually, we've been seeing
each other for a few weeks.

10
00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:29,154
Grandpa, hey.
This is Kai.

11
00:00:29,154 --> 00:00:30,447
He needed
a place to stay,

12
00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:32,491
so I told him he could spend
a few nights here.

13
00:00:32,491 --> 00:00:35,244
Well, the place does give off
a "flop house" kind of vibe.

14
00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:38,914
But before I say yes,

15
00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:41,208
tell me something
about yourself.

16
00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:43,710
Well, I'm in a season
of growth and transformation --

17
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,712
Just the bullet points,
Ocean.

18
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:47,422
I grew up with money,

19
00:00:47,422 --> 00:00:49,216
but I found
it was corrupting me,

20
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:52,010
so I rejected it and turned
to a life on the road.

21
00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:54,012
I'm gaining
authentic experiences

22
00:00:54,012 --> 00:00:56,431
instead of trying to buy
my way to happiness.

23
00:00:56,431 --> 00:01:01,186
I'm not hearing "job"
anywhere in there.

24
00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:03,438
How can you afford
to travel?

25
00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:07,359
I meet a lot of good souls
along the way, like --

26
00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:10,487
like your amazing
granddaughter, Harris.

27
00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:14,825
And when I don't,
I hop trains

28
00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:18,078
and eat perfectly good food
that people throw away.

29
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:21,081
Okay, I get it.

30
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,625
You're a commie hobo
with a goofy hat.

31
00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:25,627
No.

32
00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:28,797
Kai is just a-a free spirit
who writes poetry.

33
00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:30,674
Actually, I met him
outside the tattoo shop,

34
00:01:30,674 --> 00:01:33,594
and he traded me a poem
for a tattoo.

35
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,971
Somehow you got screwed twice
on that deal.

36
00:01:37,889 --> 00:01:39,433
Louise, this is Kai.

37
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:41,143
He's gonna be staying over
for a little bit.

38
00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:43,854
Cool.
Nice to meet you, Kai.

39
00:01:43,854 --> 00:01:45,981
Help yourself to anything
in the fridge.

40
00:01:45,981 --> 00:01:47,941
Oh, except
the, uh, bologna log.

41
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,192
It belongs to this guy.

42
00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:53,989
He measures it every night
before he goes to bed.

43
00:01:54,906 --> 00:01:56,074
14 and 5/8.

44
00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:59,828
Here,
you should wear this.

45
00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:01,246
It's sunny,
but it's cold out.

46
00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:03,332
Where are you guys
headed?

47
00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:05,125
The forest preserve.
It's a nice day out,

48
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,669
so we're gonna go expose
our perineums to the sun.

49
00:02:07,669 --> 00:02:10,756
The perineum is an area that
doesn't get much sun exposure,

50
00:02:10,756 --> 00:02:12,633
yet it's a tender barrier
to parts of the body

51
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,176
that need vitamin D.

52
00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:18,722
Yeah. Can't you just go
in the bathroom

53
00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:21,308
and squat
over a flashlight?

54
00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:23,894
Okay, no family that gets
all of its vitamins

55
00:02:23,894 --> 00:02:26,521
from fortified Lucky Charms
is going to understand this.

56
00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:28,732
See you guys later.

57
00:02:28,732 --> 00:02:29,900
Have a magical day.

58
00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:37,783
♪♪

59
00:02:37,783 --> 00:02:39,910
What are you doing?

60
00:02:39,910 --> 00:02:41,370
I'm saging.

61
00:02:41,370 --> 00:02:42,913
There used to be
a funeral home here,

62
00:02:42,913 --> 00:02:45,332
so it's important to make sure
all the bad spirits are gone.

63
00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:46,667
Hold on.

64
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:47,834
Darlene?

65
00:02:49,419 --> 00:02:51,213
Yep?
It's not working.

66
00:02:51,213 --> 00:02:53,256
You're just driving the bad
spirits into the kitchen.

67
00:02:55,092 --> 00:02:57,219
Whoa, look at that.
What?

68
00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:58,553
It's your rent
going up.

69
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,099
Oh. The delivery guys
are coming.

70
00:03:02,099 --> 00:03:04,976
Yes!
The new couch is here.

71
00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:12,025
You can just put it there
right in front of the TV.

72
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,944
Bold choice.
Maybe that will catch on.

73
00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:18,740
Would you like us
to unwrap it?
No, no.

74
00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:21,993
Uh, it's my first new couch,
so I want to unwrap it myself.

75
00:03:21,993 --> 00:03:24,538
Slowly. Gently.

76
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:28,458
Maybe light a candle,
put on some music.

77
00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:30,752
She just tells me to,
"Lose the pants."

78
00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:35,549
Yeah!

79
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,426
Hey, let's break
this baby in, huh?

80
00:03:37,426 --> 00:03:39,636
I'll unwrap it,
you guys order a pizza,

81
00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:42,180
we'll take a little TV break
before we unpack anything else.

82
00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:43,974
I -- Unh-unh.
Oh.

83
00:03:43,974 --> 00:03:47,727
New rule -- no eating
or drinking on the couch.

84
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:50,313
And no sleeping in bed
or getting wet in the shower.

85
00:03:50,313 --> 00:03:51,606
[ Gasps ]
No sitting in chairs,

86
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:54,651
no standing
when you walk.
[ Laughs ]

87
00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:55,944
I'm -- I'm serious.

88
00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:57,821
Everything else in here
is stuff we already had.

89
00:03:57,821 --> 00:03:59,531
This is new,
so for once

90
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:01,741
let's not trash it up
the minute we get it.

91
00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:05,495
But we always eat
and watch TV on the couch.

92
00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:07,706
And now we're gonna do
what most families do.

93
00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:10,417
We'll eat at the table
and talk about our day.

94
00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:12,377
Ew.
Haven't you been
paying attention?

95
00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:13,545
Our lives suck.

96
00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:16,840
How about a compromise?

97
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:19,634
We'll eat on the couch
and you'll eat at the table

98
00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:20,844
and tell yourself
about your day.

99
00:04:20,844 --> 00:04:22,554
Show of hands?

100
00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:25,640
O-Okay,
here's my compromise --

101
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:30,061
no one eats or drinks
on the couch, ever...

102
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,565
And?

103
00:04:33,565 --> 00:04:36,943
...and Becky and Mark don't
have to go live under a bridge.

104
00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:41,364
And you do not have
to go with them.

105
00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:42,365
Hands?

106
00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:47,496
The people have spoken.

107
00:04:47,496 --> 00:04:49,039
All I can do is go along
with them.

108
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:59,007
♪♪

109
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:08,099
♪♪

110
00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:11,102
-- Captions by VITAC --

111
00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:12,437
"The Conners" is recorded

112
00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:15,232
in front of
a live studio audience.

113
00:05:15,232 --> 00:05:19,736
Alright, you and I need to have
a little talk about Kai.

114
00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,863
Why? What's up?

115
00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:23,740
Your man took the weed
that was drying out

116
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,992
in the basement
and left this --

117
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,702
"Sweet gange underground.

118
00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:29,454
A fertile crop
of friendship.

119
00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:31,873
A sweet new bud's bud."

120
00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:34,960
Ah. What the hell?

121
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,670
It's just a haiku.

122
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,046
Can I smoke it?

123
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:40,841
'Cause I really needed
that weed for my bad shoulder.

124
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:43,260
The weed is half mine anyways
because I grow it with you.

125
00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:45,011
So, let's just say
he took my half.

126
00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:46,513
We're dating,
it's really not a big deal.

127
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,225
I don't care
if she likes him.

128
00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:52,060
He's gotta go.

129
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:54,104
Not only is the weed
a problem,

130
00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:56,481
there's 1/8 of an inch
missing off my bologna.

131
00:05:56,481 --> 00:06:00,819
Yeah, I agree what the guy did
was sketch.

132
00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:03,738
But you gotta come at Harris
a different way.

133
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,448
I'll talk to her tonight
after band practice.

134
00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:07,117
Aw, you don't have to
do that.

135
00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:08,618
It's gonna be rough.

136
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,370
She's used to
being mad at me.

137
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,956
Harris and I are building
a relationship.

138
00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:15,625
And she'll be a lot less
defensive hearing it from me.

139
00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:17,627
Okay, you remember that guy
that thought he was building

140
00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:20,130
a special relationship
with the grizzly bears?

141
00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:22,674
He said,
"I'm your friend."

142
00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:24,217
What the grizzly bears
heard was,

143
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:26,761
"Pull my head off.
It's delicious."

144
00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:31,099
Chip me.

145
00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:40,775
Are you guys really gonna
keep doing this?

146
00:06:40,775 --> 00:06:43,737
Darlene's just treating
this couch like it's a new car.

147
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:46,448
After the first ding,
she'll chill out.

148
00:06:46,448 --> 00:06:48,366
No, this is different.

149
00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:51,119
Before she went to bed, she
said, "Good night. I love you."

150
00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:53,997
I was in the room, but I knew
she was talking to the couch.

151
00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:56,041
[ Vehicle approaches ]

152
00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:58,752
-She's home!
-Oh! Okay.

153
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:01,713
Uh, Beverly Rose,
this is not a drill.

154
00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:04,049
I need your beer, Grandpa.

155
00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:06,551
Grandpa needs it more,
sweetie.

156
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,804
You gotta lose the beer,
Dad.

157
00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:12,891
A drifter took my weed,
I'm keeping my beer.

158
00:07:14,643 --> 00:07:16,394
Oh.
Oh, hey, gurl!

159
00:07:16,394 --> 00:07:17,771
Hey,
what's shakin', bacon?

160
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:19,439
Where you gals been?

161
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:22,525
So, somebody left their Costco
card at The Lunch Box.

162
00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:23,943
We took it for a spin.

163
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,864
Darlene got some stuff
for the new house

164
00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:32,369
and, Dan, I got you that 25
pound wheel of Parmesan Cheese.

165
00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:36,456
Dad, I don't know
if you heard,

166
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:39,751
but I'm not letting my new couch
get trashed up, so...

167
00:07:39,751 --> 00:07:42,212
I have heard,
and I'm not doing it.

168
00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:44,297
Sooner or later
something's gonna happen

169
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:45,548
to this couch, Darlene.

170
00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:47,509
You need to accept that
now.

171
00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:49,594
Look,
my house, my rules.

172
00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:52,931
Ho, ho, ho.

173
00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:56,309
I said that to you kids
your entire childhood.

174
00:07:56,309 --> 00:08:00,647
Now it's my turn to say,
"You suck, and I hate you.

175
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:03,775
You're, like,
ruining my life."

176
00:08:03,775 --> 00:08:05,610
I'm not kidding, Dad.

177
00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,320
You better be.

178
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,114
I built you this house,
and now you're gonna tell me

179
00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:11,408
that I can't make myself
at home here?

180
00:08:11,408 --> 00:08:14,911
Yes. I've seen what it looks
like when you feel "at home."

181
00:08:14,911 --> 00:08:18,081
I-I don't want my house
to look like yours.

182
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,459
You know what?

183
00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:24,129
I don't need this.

184
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:26,172
I'm taking my friend,
Beer,

185
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:28,133
and we're going to go back
to my house

186
00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:30,552
where I can watch TV
the way I always have.

187
00:08:30,552 --> 00:08:33,263
Jackie, would you please
drive me home

188
00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:35,306
because I have enjoyed
four other friends

189
00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:36,850
on an empty stomach.

190
00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:41,938
♪♪

191
00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:43,064
[ Door closes ]

192
00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:49,404
Isn't it great we can both
watch a scary movie

193
00:08:49,404 --> 00:08:51,406
at the same time
on our phones?

194
00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:54,242
[ Whispering ] Yeah, the only
thing that's a little annoying

195
00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:55,952
is that it's not
at the same time.

196
00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:58,621
You're seeing it
three seconds before me.

197
00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:00,790
Oh, my God!

198
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,459
Two...three...

199
00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:04,711
And there's a human foot
in the freezer.

200
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,296
[ Scoffs ]

201
00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:08,673
It's ridiculous that Darlene
is doing this.

202
00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:10,175
You should be here
watching this with me.

203
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,135
[ Whispering ] Hey.

204
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:14,971
Gotta go, Dad.

205
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:17,515
Uh...
What the hell, Ben?!

206
00:09:17,515 --> 00:09:18,850
Here! Damn it!

207
00:09:18,850 --> 00:09:21,478
See,
this is what happens...

208
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,104
when you have to sneak
around your own house.

209
00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:26,733
Shh!
You're gonna wake Darlene up.

210
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,777
The stain
is not coming out.

211
00:09:28,777 --> 00:09:30,487
What are we gonna do?

212
00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:31,905
I don't see
any alternative.

213
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,323
[ Sighs ]

214
00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,658
We have to burn
the house down.

215
00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:36,826
No, no.

216
00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:38,203
She's just gonna run into
the flames

217
00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:40,497
to save the couch,
see the stain,

218
00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:42,749
and we're never gonna hear
the end of it.

219
00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:44,584
I say we pin it
on Beverly Rose.

220
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:48,588
Hey! That's my daughter
you're talking about.

221
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,548
And that's why I'm glad
you said it first.

222
00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:51,341
Let's do it.

223
00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:52,467
Okay, good. Good.

224
00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:53,760
So you just gotta help me
plan it out.

225
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,678
Uh, Beverly Rose
has been eating

226
00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:56,888
a lot of bananas lately,
right?
Yeah.

227
00:09:56,888 --> 00:09:58,056
Okay, so let's take
some of those

228
00:09:58,056 --> 00:10:00,308
and we'll smash them
into the carpet right here,

229
00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:01,935
'cause I don't want her
talking her way out of this!

230
00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:06,106
♪♪

231
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,483
Uh, where's Kai?

232
00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:10,068
He's at
a 24-hour printer

233
00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:12,403
getting his poetry
bound into books.

234
00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:15,448
Oh, it's so cute
how he leaves a poem

235
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:16,950
every time
he takes anything.

236
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,201
[ Chuckles ]

237
00:10:18,201 --> 00:10:19,577
I'm glad you like him.

238
00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:20,745
I do.

239
00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:23,915
And I think there's a way
to smooth things out

240
00:10:23,915 --> 00:10:25,834
between him
and your grandpa.

241
00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:29,295
If he just follows
a couple of house rules.

242
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:31,798
Oh, and maybe pays him back
for that weed

243
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:34,134
when he sells
some of the books.

244
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:36,845
Oh, he's not selling those,
he's giving them away.

245
00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:39,264
He believes art belongs
to the people.

246
00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:41,766
Yeah, usually after
they pay for it.

247
00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:46,146
How is he, uh,
able to print copies?

248
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,814
He doesn't have a job.

249
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:49,315
I gave him a little bit
of money.

250
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:51,985
How much?

251
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,487
I don't know,
100 bucks.

252
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:55,613
$100?

253
00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:57,157
Yeah.

254
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,075
I mean, I'm getting a lot back
in return --

255
00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:01,536
he's sweet and cool
and I haven't had that

256
00:11:01,536 --> 00:11:03,121
since I broke up
with Aldo.

257
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:08,376
You know, I dated
a lot of cool, artsy guys,

258
00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:12,422
and they tend to be
pretty irresponsible with money.

259
00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:14,424
Do you know the difference
between a drummer

260
00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:16,259
and a large pizza?

261
00:11:16,259 --> 00:11:19,220
A pizza can feed
a family of four.

262
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:21,097
What are you saying?

263
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:22,724
That he's taking advantage
of me?

264
00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:25,143
No, no, no, I'm just saying
that you might be overlooking

265
00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:26,686
some of the red flags.

266
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,939
You know, like -- like stealing
and taking money from you

267
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:32,233
without knowing
how to pay you back.

268
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:35,195
Uh, convincing you to pull
your pants down in the forest

269
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:36,654
so you could get
some vitamin D.

270
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:38,489
Oh, my God, stop.

271
00:11:38,489 --> 00:11:40,450
You're twisting everything
around to make him sound bad.

272
00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,243
No, no, I'm not
twisting anything.

273
00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:43,703
I'm telling you
the truth.

274
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,622
You don't know anything
about us.

275
00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:47,165
Plus, I don't need to be judged
by someone

276
00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:48,291
who didn't have
a real relationship

277
00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:49,459
till she was in
her sixties.

278
00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:52,670
Excuse me?

279
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:54,339
You heard me.

280
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:55,632
Fine.

281
00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:57,008
I'm out.

282
00:11:57,008 --> 00:11:59,469
But don't come crying to me
when he disappears

283
00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:02,013
and leaves you nothing
but a crappy book of poems

284
00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:03,890
that you paid for.

285
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:06,017
They're not just poems!

286
00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:07,518
Some of them are lyrics
to a rock opera

287
00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:09,062
he's letting me produce!

288
00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:15,860
♪♪

289
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:23,910
Beverly Rose.

290
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,411
Beverly Rose.

291
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:30,875
How did I get here?

292
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,127
What, you didn't
fall asleep here?

293
00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:34,671
No.

294
00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:36,631
Okay,
let's figure this out.

295
00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:38,591
What is the last thing
you do remember?

296
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,218
I was in my bed.

297
00:12:40,218 --> 00:12:43,221
And I had a dream
that Mommy was carrying me,

298
00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:46,057
and she talked to a wolf
that sounded like Ben...
Mm-hmm.

299
00:12:46,057 --> 00:12:48,601
...and the wolf smelled
like bananas.

300
00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:52,355
Ben?! Becky?!
Get in this living room!

301
00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:59,487
You should be ashamed
of yourselves.

302
00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:02,323
Well, we are.

303
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:04,534
About a lot of things.

304
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:08,496
Uh, I'd rather not be specific
until we know what you know.

305
00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:10,915
You clearly used
an innocent child

306
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:14,627
to cover your inability
to follow the simplest rules.

307
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:15,837
Oh, that.

308
00:13:15,837 --> 00:13:17,297
Yeah.

309
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,549
Um,
I wouldn't say ashamed

310
00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:22,468
so much as wishing
I'd done it better.

311
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:24,095
Come on.

312
00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:25,972
Good luck, Ben.
Yeah.

313
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,890
Well, if you don't see me
for a couple of days,

314
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:30,351
check the yard for
a meticulously dug grave

315
00:13:30,351 --> 00:13:31,936
with no crumbs on it.

316
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:34,272
God, you ruined my sofa,
Ben.

317
00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:35,857
Okay.

318
00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:38,568
See, "my sofa" is where
we have a problem,

319
00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:40,486
because it's my sofa,
too.

320
00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:42,739
And you bought a white couch
for God's sakes.

321
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:44,240
I mean,
you gotta get over this.

322
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:45,992
And I thought
you got a handle

323
00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:47,910
on your whole
control freak thing.

324
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:50,621
Look, we spilled because
you made us nervous,

325
00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:53,708
and then when we tried
to clean it, it made it worse.

326
00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:55,334
This is crazy!

327
00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:56,461
You know what?

328
00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:59,338
Why don't you
and your banana-wolf face

329
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:03,342
take all your purple juices
and your greasy snacks

330
00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:06,304
and your dark, sweaty pants,
and your --

331
00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:10,308
your pens that you cavalierly
leave the caps off of

332
00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:12,685
and go
to my dad's house,

333
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:15,897
because he has no problem
with people staining his couch

334
00:14:15,897 --> 00:14:19,233
because he's not "crazy"!

335
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:22,028
So the couch is more important
than me?

336
00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:25,573
You're gonna kick me out of
my own house over a couch?

337
00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:28,868
No, I'm kicking you out
because there was one thing

338
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,079
that was important to me
and you cannot respect that.

339
00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:32,371
[ Chuckles ]

340
00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:33,915
Fine, fine.

341
00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:36,501
I hope you two
are very happy together,

342
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:39,087
and, you know, I can't wait
to read your obituary --

343
00:14:39,087 --> 00:14:42,131
"She is survived
by her stain-free couch."

344
00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:45,093
And matching ottoman.

345
00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:50,264
[ Knock on door ]

346
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:56,395
I heard about
the spill.

347
00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:58,106
Don't you start too.

348
00:14:58,106 --> 00:14:59,398
Everybody thinks
I'm crazy

349
00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:01,234
for acting this way
about a couch.

350
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:03,986
Ben thinks I value it more
than our relationship.

351
00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:06,322
Well, uh, the couch
is still here

352
00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:09,200
and Ben's not,
so something's going on.

353
00:15:12,286 --> 00:15:15,206
I don't know how this blew up
into such a huge thing.

354
00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:17,667
All I wanted was to keep
my couch nice.

355
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:20,253
Why do you think
that is?

356
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:23,506
Jackie,
don't try to shrink me.

357
00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:25,633
I wouldn't dare,
you're small enough.

358
00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:32,223
But I think we need to get
to the bottom

359
00:15:32,223 --> 00:15:33,808
of why you're so obsessed
with this couch

360
00:15:33,808 --> 00:15:36,185
that you've driven away
your husband and your father.

361
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:38,062
I think obsessed
is a little harsh.

362
00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:41,107
Give me that.

363
00:15:42,859 --> 00:15:45,153
Okay, I'm obsessed.

364
00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:47,196
I don't know why,
though.

365
00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:48,948
It's like when I lived
in Chicago with the kids,

366
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,909
I literally pulled my couch
up off of the curb

367
00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:53,911
and it was okay.

368
00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:56,372
But I guess
I was just starting out,

369
00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:59,625
and I-I thought
I'd be a success

370
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:01,335
and that one day,

371
00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:03,588
there would be
this magical new couch.

372
00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:06,007
Yeah, and you got it.

373
00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:09,135
We're sitting on
a magic couch.

374
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:11,512
But what if it's
the last couch?

375
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:15,850
I mean, what if there is no more
magic furniture in my future?

376
00:16:15,850 --> 00:16:18,603
You know, when I made
manager at Wellman, I --

377
00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:21,189
I thought, "Well, this is what
life is gonna be like now.

378
00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:23,191
And I'm gonna
keep climbing."

379
00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:24,400
And then I lost
that job,

380
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,069
and I just cannot find
another one.

381
00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:29,822
So you're just worried
that this was all a fluke

382
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,033
and you're not worth
what you thought you were.

383
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,786
What if it's true?

384
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:40,124
Oh, my --
I actually got one.

385
00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:41,417
Oh, my God.

386
00:16:41,417 --> 00:16:43,211
I mean,
this is a deep-seated fear

387
00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:44,962
and that's really sad,

388
00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:46,714
but let's not lose sight
of the fact

389
00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,966
that I actually got one.

390
00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:53,304
Having a really hard time
being happy for you.

391
00:16:53,304 --> 00:16:56,140
Well, see, that's because
you're catastrophizing.

392
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:59,602
That's the old negative Darlene
popping up and telling you

393
00:16:59,602 --> 00:17:01,812
that just because
you lost one really great job,

394
00:17:01,812 --> 00:17:03,648
you're never gonna get
another one.

395
00:17:04,899 --> 00:17:07,235
So you do think I'm gonna get
another great job?

396
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:08,444
Of course I do.

397
00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:10,821
But you've got to fix things
with Ben,

398
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:13,616
'cause
I'm just gonna say it --

399
00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:17,161
everybody thinks that the odds
of you getting

400
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,372
another husband
that looks like him?

401
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,794
Slim to none!

402
00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:29,590
Hi.
Hey.

403
00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:30,675
Where are your books?

404
00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:32,093
I want to show Louise
how cool they are.

405
00:17:32,093 --> 00:17:34,053
Oh,
I didn't get them printed.

406
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,055
I was gonna, but I was
booking it down the street

407
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:38,641
on my skateboard,
racing a school bus,

408
00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:40,851
and then this little sign
came out that said "stop,"

409
00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:44,313
and my face did,
but my skateboard didn't.

410
00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:47,733
Anyways, I lost my earbuds
and had to buy new ones.

411
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:50,611
So you -- you spent the whole
100 bucks on earbuds?

412
00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:52,363
I wish
they were only 100 bucks.

413
00:17:52,363 --> 00:17:53,864
I had to take 40 more
out of your wallet.

414
00:17:53,864 --> 00:17:55,491
What?

415
00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:57,910
You took money
out of my wallet?

416
00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:00,538
Since when do you care
so much about money?

417
00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:02,498
I thought that didn't matter
with us.

418
00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:04,542
I'd give you
anything I have.

419
00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:07,336
Well, that's easy for you to
say, you don't have anything.

420
00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:08,838
I could've used that money
for rent or --

421
00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,715
or my share
of the utility bills.

422
00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:13,551
Fine.
I-I'll pay you back.

423
00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:16,012
Anger is like a cold wind,
chilling your bones.

424
00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:18,973
Anger is hot,
everybody knows that.

425
00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:20,683
Your poems suck.

426
00:18:20,683 --> 00:18:23,311
You stole from me
and took advantage of me.

427
00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:25,021
You gotta find
somewhere else to stay.

428
00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:26,397
This isn't working for me
anymore.

429
00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:27,857
You can't
just kick me out.

430
00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:29,692
Yes, I can.

431
00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:31,861
No, you can't.

432
00:18:31,861 --> 00:18:33,863
Legally you can't make
a guest leave

433
00:18:33,863 --> 00:18:35,740
without
30 days' notice.

434
00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:37,992
Alright, alright,
what's going on?

435
00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:39,493
You were right
about Kai.

436
00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:41,412
He stole money from me,
and now he won't leave.

437
00:18:41,412 --> 00:18:44,457
Finish your lunch, Kai.
You're leaving.

438
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:47,126
I'll leave
when I'm ready to go.

439
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,837
Unless you're gonna pay
for a motel.

440
00:18:49,837 --> 00:18:51,797
I'll get my checkbook.

441
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,382
I don't have
a checking account.

442
00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:55,134
Oh, it's alright.

443
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:56,093
I don't have a check.

444
00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:01,057
You're not gonna hit me.
You'll go to jail.

445
00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:05,561
What the hell, lady?

446
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:08,064
You're an intruder.
That was a warm-up swing.

447
00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:12,026
I'm not leaving
because I'm scared,

448
00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:14,945
I'm leaving because
the universe says it's time.

449
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,908
Don't let the universe hit you
in the ass on the way out!

450
00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:23,663
Oh, my God.

451
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,665
Thank you.

452
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:28,751
I'm all just kind of amped up
from threatening that guy.

453
00:19:28,751 --> 00:19:30,294
Whew.

454
00:19:30,294 --> 00:19:32,129
Idea -- how about we smoke
Grandpa's half

455
00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:33,464
of the weed
to level out?

456
00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:36,425
And we can write a crappy poem,
blame it on Kai.

457
00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:39,720
Well, if we're gonna do that,
we're gonna get the munchies,

458
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:44,975
so why don't we blame him for
14 inches of bologna log, too?

459
00:19:45,893 --> 00:19:49,522
♪♪

460
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:51,982
It's Darlene with
your food delivery.

461
00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:55,528
Oh, who's not getting
their pizza tonight?

462
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,071
No one.

463
00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:59,281
I bought it
because I feel bad.

464
00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:02,576
I'm sorry for acting so crazy
about the couch,

465
00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:04,704
but I talked about it
with Jackie,

466
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,706
and I figured out why.

467
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:08,749
And also,
I did steal that,

468
00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:12,628
so I probably should talk
about that with Jackie, as well.

469
00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:14,463
Anyway, I'm glad
Jackie helped you

470
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,257
work your way
through this,

471
00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:18,426
because it's not the worst thing
in the world

472
00:20:18,426 --> 00:20:21,053
if your couch gets stained.

473
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:23,472
Your mom and I looked at them
as memories.

474
00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:25,224
Mm.

475
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,476
Right there is where Becky cried
when she had a skinned knee,

476
00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:29,979
then she realized
she was made of tougher stuff.

477
00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:32,273
Over there is where I dumped
an entire beer

478
00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:34,442
watching the Bears
win the Super Bowl.
[ Chuckles ]

479
00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:36,902
And Ben's sitting where
your mom's water broke

480
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,195
when she had you.

481
00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:46,287
Might've mentioned that when
I was face-down napping there.

482
00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:57,798
Uh-oh, crumbs between
the cushions!

483
00:20:57,798 --> 00:21:00,301
No big deal.

484
00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:03,804
Oh, cheese dust
on my fingers.

485
00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:06,932
I get what you guys are doing,
and I'm not pretending.

486
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,685
I've made peace that the couch
is gonna get stained,

487
00:21:09,685 --> 00:21:10,603
and that's okay.

488
00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:12,104
Sorry, guys, I fixed her.

489
00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:13,856
I'm just that good.

490
00:21:15,816 --> 00:21:17,026
So proud of you.

491
00:21:17,026 --> 00:21:18,778
You really
worked through this.

492
00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:20,613
[ Door closes ]

493
00:21:25,743 --> 00:21:26,494
[ Dustbuster whirs ]