1
00:00:01,710 --> 00:00:03,670
♪♪

2
00:00:03,670 --> 00:00:07,507
Oh, come on. How hard is it?
There's three letters left.

3
00:00:07,507 --> 00:00:09,384
"Walk in the pool".

4
00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:11,970
[ Ding ]

5
00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:14,264
"Walk in the park"?

6
00:00:15,599 --> 00:00:17,184
The club we were
playing at

7
00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:19,770
had bad electrical
and a-a leaky roof.

8
00:00:19,770 --> 00:00:21,230
Yeah.

9
00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:22,856
As soon as my bass player
started screaming,

10
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,816
I thought he was just
rocking out.

11
00:00:24,816 --> 00:00:27,653
Turns out he was
being electrocuted.

12
00:00:27,653 --> 00:00:29,780
No. No, he's fine.
He's fine.

13
00:00:29,780 --> 00:00:32,366
He kind of enjoyed it.

14
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:35,077
Okay, Mom, I gotta go.

15
00:00:35,077 --> 00:00:36,745
Bye. Bye.

16
00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:38,789
You had to be talking
to my mom.

17
00:00:38,789 --> 00:00:40,666
Your mom is dead.

18
00:00:40,666 --> 00:00:43,293
Still more likely to call you
than your mom.

19
00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:46,380
Yeah, it's like
once every 10 years.

20
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:48,340
But, you know, ever since
my brother Aaron died,

21
00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:49,758
she's been
reaching out more.

22
00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:52,094
Wish I'd gone first.

23
00:00:52,094 --> 00:00:54,763
Then she'd
be bugging him.

24
00:00:54,763 --> 00:00:57,599
I'm glad your tour brought you
home for a couple of nights.

25
00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:59,268
I've been missing you
the last three weeks.

26
00:00:59,268 --> 00:01:00,560
Yeah.

27
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,813
I can't believe
it's only half over.

28
00:01:02,813 --> 00:01:06,316
And the next eight weeks are all
these clubs in the boonies.

29
00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:07,985
Wow.

30
00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:10,571
I've never heard you complain
about the road before.

31
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:13,532
Usually, you come home
all jacked up from performing

32
00:01:13,532 --> 00:01:14,825
and try to have your way
with me.

33
00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:16,243
[ Sighs ]

34
00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:17,703
Where's that Louise?

35
00:01:17,703 --> 00:01:19,204
[ Chuckles ]

36
00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:21,290
She's burned out.

37
00:01:21,290 --> 00:01:23,625
You know, I still
love playing music,

38
00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:27,713
but being away from home
and driving all those miles,

39
00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:30,465
trying to get deadbeat
promoters to pay us --

40
00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:32,175
it's getting old.

41
00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:34,261
Doesn't sound like
any walk in the pool.

42
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:37,973
It's a very common
expression.

43
00:01:39,725 --> 00:01:41,476
Oh, God.

44
00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:44,104
I haven't seen you in weeks,
and I come in

45
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,189
and the first thing I do
is complain.

46
00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:47,983
Hey, honey, you don't
have to apologize.

47
00:01:47,983 --> 00:01:49,609
You've been out there
busting your ass

48
00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:51,778
most of
your adult life.

49
00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:53,488
Everybody hangs it up
at some point.

50
00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:55,324
Mm.

51
00:01:55,324 --> 00:01:57,367
Not Willie Nelson.

52
00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:02,956
Well, Willie doesn't even
know where he is.

53
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:05,042
He thinks there's 3,000 people
in his living room.

54
00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:06,335
[ Chuckles ]

55
00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:12,257
♪♪

56
00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:18,138
♪♪

57
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:24,061
♪♪

58
00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:27,356
-- Captions by VITAC --

59
00:02:27,356 --> 00:02:30,567
"The Conners" is recorded
before a live studio audience.

60
00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:32,527
Where'd you get
all these decorations?

61
00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:34,363
I stole them
from Dad's house,

62
00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:35,989
'cause that's what Christmas
is all about.

63
00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:40,369
It's the season of giving,
even if you don't know you are.

64
00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:42,621
Well, next time
you're at Dad's,

65
00:02:42,621 --> 00:02:45,374
steal something good for
Emilio's wedding this weekend.

66
00:02:45,374 --> 00:02:47,042
I haven't gotten him
a gift yet.

67
00:02:47,042 --> 00:02:49,002
Oh, well, do you think
his new bride

68
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:52,881
will like an old heating pad
or a chipped bowling ball?

69
00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:54,633
Look,
since you're going,

70
00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:56,426
just put my name on
whatever crap you find.

71
00:02:57,969 --> 00:03:01,473
Oh, but wrap it nice.
He's the father of my child.

72
00:03:01,473 --> 00:03:03,809
Just you showing up
should be enough.

73
00:03:03,809 --> 00:03:05,310
You got him
a green card and a kid.

74
00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:08,105
You're not gonna top that
with an air fryer.

75
00:03:08,105 --> 00:03:11,525
I'm sending Beverly Rose
to go without me.

76
00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,944
It's humiliating going to
your ex-husband's wedding

77
00:03:13,944 --> 00:03:15,404
without a date.

78
00:03:15,404 --> 00:03:18,115
If I did go, you know that
that bouquet

79
00:03:18,115 --> 00:03:20,909
would hit me right in the head
and everyone would say,

80
00:03:20,909 --> 00:03:25,080
"Maybe she won't die alone
after all."

81
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,916
I threw mine at you hoping
that they would say that,

82
00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:30,252
but all they said was,

83
00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:34,297
"The hot one should be marrying
Ben, not the sad one."

84
00:03:34,297 --> 00:03:36,508
People are
still saying that.

85
00:03:36,508 --> 00:03:38,802
Beverly Rose, come on!

86
00:03:38,802 --> 00:03:40,178
Time to go to school!

87
00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:43,140
[ Panting ]

88
00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:44,891
Why are you
dressed like that?

89
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:47,769
Woof! I'm a dog.

90
00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:51,148
And you're a cute one, but you
can't wear that to picture day.

91
00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:53,108
Woof!

92
00:03:53,108 --> 00:03:56,278
I'm serious, Beverly Rose.
You gotta go change.

93
00:03:56,278 --> 00:03:58,071
[ Growls ]
I'm not Beverly Rose.

94
00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,322
I'm Pancake.

95
00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:03,410
Aww, that is such
a cute dog name.

96
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:04,661
Good girl.

97
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:06,955
Stop that!

98
00:04:06,955 --> 00:04:10,292
Look, this is your first
school picture, sweetheart,

99
00:04:10,292 --> 00:04:11,835
and it's got to
tell the world

100
00:04:11,835 --> 00:04:15,046
that Mommy's doing
a great job raising you.

101
00:04:15,046 --> 00:04:16,965
Otherwise,
there's no point in it.

102
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:21,219
I thought the point is
that Pancake

103
00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:22,929
will have
an enduring memory

104
00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:24,639
that she can show her puppies
when she's older.

105
00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:28,185
Beverly Rose,
go change.

106
00:04:28,185 --> 00:04:30,187
[ Whimpers ]

107
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:32,981
Beverly Rose,
we're going to be late.

108
00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:35,400
Not her name.

109
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,652
Fine.
Come on, Pancake.

110
00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:41,031
Let's go for a ride.

111
00:04:41,031 --> 00:04:43,283
Open the window
so she can stick her head out.

112
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,285
They like to feel their jowls
flap in the wind.

113
00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:51,708
This was so nice.
Thank you.

114
00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:54,294
That candle smells
really pretty.

115
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:55,420
When did you get it?

116
00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:57,714
It's my bathroom candle.

117
00:04:57,714 --> 00:04:59,174
[ Knock on door ]

118
00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:02,219
Who the hell knocks on the door
at this time of night?

119
00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:04,638
[ Groans ]
If it's a burglar,

120
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,598
stall him until I can
get renter's insurance.

121
00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:09,434
Oh, my God.

122
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,269
It's worse than a burglar.

123
00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:12,687
It's my mother.

124
00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:17,108
Surprise!

125
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,570
Mom, what are you
doing here?

126
00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:23,240
You sounded so down
about your career

127
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,200
that I thought
you might just need

128
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:28,954
a little bit of Mom's famous
Apple Brown Betty

129
00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:30,247
to cheer you up!

130
00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:33,458
[ Chuckles ] Well, okay.
Uh, come on in.

131
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,963
Dan, this is my mother,
Doris.

132
00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:40,298
Uh, Mom, this is Dan.

133
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:43,760
He's the guy I married at that
wedding you didn't come to.

134
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,596
I wanted to, but your father
wouldn't let me.

135
00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:48,723
He said, "If we're gonna
drive all the way to Chicago,

136
00:05:48,723 --> 00:05:51,017
we're going to go
see the Bean

137
00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:53,019
and not Louise shacking up
with some drywaller."

138
00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:56,022
Charmed, I'm sure.

139
00:05:57,691 --> 00:06:00,735
It really is nice to
finally meet you, Doris.

140
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:03,196
And Betty and I
go way back.

141
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:07,284
So, Mom, w-what --
what's going on?

142
00:06:07,284 --> 00:06:09,536
You didn't drive all the way
from Wisconsin

143
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:11,204
just to bring me
dessert.

144
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,999
Well, I can't just
stop by?

145
00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:17,127
Uh, it's only
a few hours away.

146
00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:19,254
I know my night vision is
not as good as it used to be,

147
00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:20,922
but I find if I stay
to the right

148
00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:24,342
of the oncoming headlights,
I'm fine.

149
00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:27,888
What about pedestrians
and bicycle riders?

150
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,723
You feel any bump-bumps
on the way over?

151
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:30,891
[ Chuckling ] No.

152
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,893
I could drive over
a marching band

153
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,811
and not feel a thing
in that RV.

154
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:37,439
You and Daddy got an RV?

155
00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:40,108
I mean, you were having
so much trouble on the tour

156
00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:42,152
that I made him buy it
so that I could

157
00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:44,029
make your life a little bit
better on the road.

158
00:06:44,029 --> 00:06:46,740
You're giving me an RV
to drive on tour?

159
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,116
No.

160
00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:49,534
I'm gonna
keep you company.

161
00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:51,953
I'm driving
so you can relax.

162
00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:53,330
Oh.
Oh.

163
00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:54,873
Nothing more soothing
than a blind woman

164
00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:58,084
trying to keep a small house
out of oncoming traffic.

165
00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:01,087
Yeah, so, uh,
after all this time,

166
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:03,673
you and Daddy are finally
okay with my career?

167
00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:04,966
Well, I am.

168
00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:07,427
He's not.
I don't care.

169
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,971
After your brother died,
I did some soul-searching

170
00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:12,223
and I realized
I should have

171
00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:15,352
stood up to your dad
and supported you.

172
00:07:15,352 --> 00:07:17,687
And if he didn't like it,
too bad.

173
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:21,483
Just think,
no more crummy hotels,

174
00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:23,693
and you won't have to
worry about promoters.

175
00:07:23,693 --> 00:07:25,278
I'll make sure
you get paid.

176
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,405
[ Laughing ]
That's a sweet thought, Doris,

177
00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:29,824
but some of those club owners
can be pretty rough.

178
00:07:29,824 --> 00:07:31,201
How are you gonna get
the money out of them?

179
00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:33,703
[ Chuckles ]
No problem.

180
00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:36,414
[ Exaggerated elderly voice ]
"Oh, somebody help me.

181
00:07:36,414 --> 00:07:38,750
Oh, this man won't
give me my money,

182
00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:41,252
and if I don't have money
for my medicine,

183
00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:44,214
they're going to
take my foot."

184
00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:46,675
Whoa.
That was really good.

185
00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:49,636
I really thought she was
gonna lose her foot.

186
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:52,472
[ Chuckles ]
You know, this is crazy.

187
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:55,850
Dan and I were just talking
about me getting off the road.

188
00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:57,519
Yeah, Louise is
kind of over it.

189
00:07:57,519 --> 00:07:59,938
Unfortunate timing.

190
00:07:59,938 --> 00:08:01,856
Yeah, but if I could
just play and not hassle

191
00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:04,776
with all this other stuff,
it might go back to being fun.

192
00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:06,361
Y-You know
what's super fun?

193
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:10,490
Is caroling and
Christmas puppies and rum.

194
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,325
I could get a candle that
just stays in the living room.

195
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,495
You wanna see the RV?

196
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,955
Yeah, I do.

197
00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:19,374
Honey, don't worry.

198
00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:22,043
I'll take a break from the road
and come home for Christmas.

199
00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:25,380
This is crazy.

200
00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:27,716
I got my mom back, Dan.

201
00:08:30,802 --> 00:08:33,096
♪♪

202
00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:38,017
[ Knock on door ]
Hi.

203
00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:39,811
Oh, hey,
Jackie.

204
00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:41,521
[ Door closes ]
Wow.

205
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,231
Word of mouth really got out
about this place.

206
00:08:43,231 --> 00:08:46,401
Well, Lunch Box
is closed on Mondays

207
00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:48,111
and Neville's
at a vet conference.

208
00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:51,031
He's presenting a new tool
for expressing anal glands.

209
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:55,285
So if you still use your fingers
now, you're just a weirdo.

210
00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:57,287
What are you
doing here?

211
00:08:57,287 --> 00:08:59,330
I'm avoiding
our mother-in-law.

212
00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:02,333
Oh, man. Oh, she must be
some piece of work,

213
00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:04,419
'cause Neville would rather
squeeze a dog's ass

214
00:09:04,419 --> 00:09:06,046
in Des Moines than be here
while she's here.

215
00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:09,466
All I know is Louise has
only talked to her mother

216
00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:11,509
like four times
in three decades

217
00:09:11,509 --> 00:09:13,678
since they fought about
her music,

218
00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:15,972
then out of the blue,
the woman shows up with an RV

219
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:17,932
to go on tour with her.

220
00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:19,184
That's weird, right?

221
00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:21,019
Oh, yeah.
Something going on there.

222
00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:22,812
I don't know.

223
00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:24,856
I've seen you ever day for years
and you never get me anything.

224
00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,357
Some people would say
that's weird.

225
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,486
There you go.
Dry your eyes with that.

226
00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:32,989
Where's Beverly Rose?

227
00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:35,575
I got her a flower girl dress
for the wedding.

228
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:36,993
Look how cute it is.

229
00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:38,411
Yeah,
that's really sweet.

230
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:39,662
I don't know if
she's gonna put it on.

231
00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:41,331
She's still a dog.

232
00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:44,918
I think when she sees this, all
that dog nonsense will be over.

233
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:47,670
Pancake!
Come here, girl!

234
00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:49,339
[ Whistles ]

235
00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:50,590
[ Panting ]

236
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,300
Hey, sweetie.

237
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:54,260
Look what I bought you to
wear to your dad's wedding.

238
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:55,678
Isn't it gorgeous?

239
00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:57,764
[ Sniffs ]

240
00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,015
You want to try it on?

241
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:03,228
[ Growling ]

242
00:10:03,228 --> 00:10:04,854
Beverly Rose,
stop that!

243
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:06,272
Pancake! Leave it!
[ Growling ]

244
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:07,065
Leave it!

245
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:11,152
Sorry, I'm just trying to
work with what I got here.

246
00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:17,367
You cannot be a dog at
your father's wedding.

247
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:18,827
You're a little girl,

248
00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:20,912
and it's time for you
to act like that.

249
00:10:20,912 --> 00:10:22,831
It's enough now.

250
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:26,000
[ Whining ]

251
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,002
Anybody want a kid?

252
00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:31,047
She's been doing this for days,
and the wedding's this weekend.

253
00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:32,382
I don't know
what to do.

254
00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:34,676
Worst comes to worst,
she doesn't go.

255
00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:37,345
Tell people you left
the gate open and she got out.

256
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:40,515
Would you guys
knock it off?

257
00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:43,977
It's really upsetting when
you can't control your kid.

258
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,979
She could have distemper.
Has she had her shots?

259
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:48,648
[ Laughter ]

260
00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:53,736
Aw.

261
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:55,488
I think we might have
crossed the line.

262
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:56,865
Well, yeah.

263
00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:58,825
That's where all the fun is,
on the other side of the line.

264
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:02,996
♪♪

265
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:07,584
Boy, that is some beautiful
RV you got out there.

266
00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:10,545
That's a big investment
for eight weeks.

267
00:11:10,545 --> 00:11:13,214
You and Louise could go
for months in that thing.

268
00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:17,093
Mm-hmm.
From your mouth to God's ears.

269
00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:18,887
Every parent's dream.

270
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:21,097
I hope you don't mind, but
I got the keys from Louise

271
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:23,349
and went inside
and took a look.

272
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,143
I really like
that captain's chair.

273
00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:27,187
I felt like a white trash
Captain Picard.

274
00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:31,900
I also found something
interesting in there.

275
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:34,694
It's the registration
for the RV.

276
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,863
You said you and your husband
bought it together,

277
00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,698
but it's only got
your name on it.

278
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,575
It's the 21st century.

279
00:11:40,575 --> 00:11:43,912
Women are allowed to
own things, Hagar.

280
00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:46,956
Yeah, but why did you put
it in your maiden name?

281
00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:48,791
Oh, God,
tell me what's on your mind.

282
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:50,960
It couldn't take long.

283
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:54,047
You're lying to Louise.

284
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,716
You didn't come because you
wanted to support her music,

285
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,427
and you never stood up to
your husband.

286
00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:01,262
You're here because
you killed him.

287
00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:06,059
I love cop shows.

288
00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:08,478
I just always wanted
to say that.

289
00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,939
Seriously, what the hell's
going on, Doris?

290
00:12:10,939 --> 00:12:14,025
Okay,
if you have to know,

291
00:12:14,025 --> 00:12:18,112
my husband left me, and it's
none of your business.

292
00:12:18,112 --> 00:12:19,906
I know that you
and her dad splitting up

293
00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:21,783
is definitely
Louise's business,

294
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:23,534
and you got all up
in my business

295
00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:26,746
by trying to take my wife away
so you wouldn't be alone.

296
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,748
I'll admit it.

297
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:30,750
I tried to make
the wrong relationship work

298
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:33,753
and now I'm alone.

299
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:37,006
You've had her for
a few years, Dan.

300
00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:39,092
I haven't had her
for 30.

301
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,552
Can't you spare a few?

302
00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:44,764
I get being alone.
I lost a spouse.

303
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:47,642
But at my age,
time is precious,

304
00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:50,603
and I want to spend all of it
that I can with Louise.

305
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,480
At your age?

306
00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:56,109
Did you have your
third birthday party

307
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,653
ruined by
the Hindenburg disaster?

308
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:02,782
Did you ever try to get kids to
pin the tail on the donkey

309
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:06,619
when some yo-yo on the radio is
yelling, "Oh, the humanity"?!

310
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:12,875
Look, we both know
what's going on.

311
00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:14,085
Do the right thing.

312
00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:20,091
Hey.

313
00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:21,551
If you have
more jokes about

314
00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:23,636
what a terrible mother/dog owner
I am,

315
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:24,846
save them.

316
00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:26,180
I know.

317
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:28,308
Look, I just wanted
to let you know

318
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:30,393
that every parent goes through
something like this.

319
00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:32,228
I mean, Mom went through almost
the same exact thing with me.

320
00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:34,731
Remember when I kept barking
in fifth grade?

321
00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:36,024
Yeah, I remember.

322
00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:39,110
I kept asking people,
"Who's that weird only child

323
00:13:39,110 --> 00:13:43,156
that happens to share
my very common last name?"

324
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:47,243
Well, I remember Mom
asking me why I was doing it

325
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:50,788
and I said it was because I was
bored in class, but I lied.

326
00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:52,081
About what?

327
00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:55,293
Well, everybody had to get up
and give an oral report

328
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:57,587
on what their family did
for summer vacation.

329
00:13:57,587 --> 00:14:01,424
Was that the year that Dad
put the plastic liner

330
00:14:01,424 --> 00:14:03,551
in the back of the pickup
and filled it with water?

331
00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,970
Yeah, and then he drove it
to the park and said,

332
00:14:05,970 --> 00:14:07,722
"You kids
enjoy the lake."

333
00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:09,599
[ Laughs ]

334
00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:11,309
So I pretended
to be a dog

335
00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:13,644
to avoid having to get up
in front of my entire class

336
00:14:13,644 --> 00:14:16,355
to tell everybody that my family
spent their summer vacation

337
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:18,149
in the back of a truck.

338
00:14:18,149 --> 00:14:20,234
Okay.

339
00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:23,112
So what's
Beverly Rose avoiding?

340
00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:24,489
I don't know.
I just had the story.

341
00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:27,825
A good mom
would figure that out.

342
00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:29,827
Alright,
it wasn't school,

343
00:14:29,827 --> 00:14:32,038
because she went
and took the picture.

344
00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:34,665
Mm-hmm.
Um, she's never had
more playdates.

345
00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:37,794
The only thing that
she didn't like...

346
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:40,505
was the flower girl
dress.

347
00:14:40,505 --> 00:14:42,090
Holy crap.

348
00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:43,800
It's Emilio's wedding.

349
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,426
Hmm.

350
00:14:45,426 --> 00:14:46,677
She doesn't want to see
her dad get married

351
00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:48,221
to someone other
than her mommy.

352
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:49,222
Oh, my God.

353
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:51,974
It would kill Emilio
if she wasn't there.

354
00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:53,434
I got to talk to her.

355
00:14:53,434 --> 00:14:55,561
I gotta tell her it's okay
to have two mommies.

356
00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:57,605
One that loves her,

357
00:14:57,605 --> 00:15:00,191
and one that's Daddy's sad
little consolation prize.

358
00:15:02,443 --> 00:15:05,738
And that's when Louise
almost got on "Star Search".

359
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,240
[ Laughs ]

360
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:10,451
Wow, Doris, we have really taken
a stroll down memory lane.

361
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:13,663
But I would love to
hear that story

362
00:15:13,663 --> 00:15:16,290
you started
telling me earlier.

363
00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:18,334
Oh, that old thing?

364
00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:21,045
I-I don't think anyone's
really interested in that.

365
00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:22,380
Uh, I am.

366
00:15:22,380 --> 00:15:23,714
I could tell it,

367
00:15:23,714 --> 00:15:26,092
but I don't think I could
do it as good as you.

368
00:15:27,844 --> 00:15:31,430
Well, now that you've
built it all up,

369
00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:34,183
I don't think it could possibly
measure up to that hype.

370
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:37,937
Okay, um...

371
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,939
your father left me.

372
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,566
You know, Elvis
bought me a Coke once.

373
00:15:41,566 --> 00:15:43,276
W-W-Wait.

374
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:44,861
Mom, what are you
talking about?

375
00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:49,740
Dad left me for a woman
with both her original hips.

376
00:15:51,325 --> 00:15:54,078
She also does Pilates,
which is kinda slutty.

377
00:15:56,706 --> 00:15:59,292
Well,
w-when did this happen?

378
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,043
Last year.

379
00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:05,590
Yeah, but we've been talking
on the phone, and you --

380
00:16:05,590 --> 00:16:08,551
you've been here for two days
and you've said nothing.

381
00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:12,096
I-I was going to tell you
when we were out on the road.

382
00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:15,850
You mean in the RV you used
to trick me

383
00:16:15,850 --> 00:16:18,978
into thinking you were
supporting my music career?

384
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,647
I do
support your career.

385
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:24,984
And now that Dad's gone,
I've got the time to show you.

386
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,319
No.

387
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:27,778
This isn't about me.

388
00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:29,280
It's about you.

389
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,949
And now that Dad's gone,
you're lonely.

390
00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:33,618
That's the only reason
you're here.

391
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,667
Look, I know
I handled this badly,

392
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,419
but I believe that
you and I --

393
00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:46,672
You and I are nothing,
just like we always were.

394
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:48,716
Okay, why don't we
take a breath?

395
00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:51,636
I made a mistake.

396
00:16:51,636 --> 00:16:53,930
Can't we move past it?

397
00:16:53,930 --> 00:16:57,683
A mistake is, "Oops,
I spilled something on the rug,"

398
00:16:57,683 --> 00:17:00,436
not "I'm disowning
my 18-year-old daughter

399
00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:02,563
for wanting to play
rock 'n' roll."

400
00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:05,316
Here, let me
return the favor.

401
00:17:05,316 --> 00:17:07,652
Pack your stuff
and get out.

402
00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:09,362
Honey,
I know you're upset,

403
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,822
but do you really want to
throw your mom out?

404
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:14,158
What, now you're
taking her side?

405
00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:16,202
No, I'm remembering
how excited you were

406
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,995
when you thought
you had her back.

407
00:17:17,995 --> 00:17:20,456
You only get one mom.

408
00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:22,959
I regret to inform you
that that's her.

409
00:17:24,627 --> 00:17:26,545
Wow, Dan.

410
00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:28,256
I'm speechless.

411
00:17:28,256 --> 00:17:31,133
Maybe you go on tour together
for a few months and --

412
00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:32,969
and work everything out.

413
00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:37,890
[ Sighs ]

414
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:40,101
Y-You know what makes
your wife happy?

415
00:17:40,101 --> 00:17:42,061
Keep it G-rated.
Your mom's right there.

416
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:45,314
You.

417
00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:49,610
And I want to spend as much
time as I can with you.

418
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:53,072
But...you're right.

419
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:56,033
I'm gonna
finish the tour.

420
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:59,412
But then
it's you and me forever.

421
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,747
Oh, back off.
You're so clingy.

422
00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:05,293
And if you wanna
drive me around

423
00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:08,296
and cook for me on tour,
fine.

424
00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:10,798
But you're gonna have to
carry my amps, too.

425
00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:12,675
Sure.

426
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:19,849
If you're good,
I'm good.

427
00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:21,434
I'm good.
Yeah.

428
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,185
Maybe when you come back
for Christmas,

429
00:18:23,185 --> 00:18:24,729
you could
stay at the house.

430
00:18:24,729 --> 00:18:26,439
It's usually
a lot more festive,

431
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:29,358
but my daughter stole
all of my decorations,

432
00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:32,111
which is weird,
because she's an atheist.

433
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,071
They don't want
anybody to be happy.

434
00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:44,832
Oh, uh, I thought
you were at work.

435
00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:48,836
Ah, Darlene, this is Doris,
Louise's mother.

436
00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:50,379
Hi.
Hi.

437
00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:52,340
What's in the box?

438
00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:54,967
I brought you some
Christmas decorations.

439
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:58,304
[ Imitating Joseph Welch ]
Have you no shame, Senator?

440
00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:00,139
Nah, not much.

441
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:01,641
That's the beauty
of being an atheist.

442
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,517
I don't have to follow
your commandments.

443
00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:06,145
I can lie, I can steal, I can
covet till the cows come home.

444
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,152
Merry Christmas
and goodbye.

445
00:19:16,197 --> 00:19:19,200
I think I know why
you're a dog.

446
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:20,451
You do?

447
00:19:20,451 --> 00:19:22,286
Yeah.

448
00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:25,748
A dog can't wear a dress
and go to a wedding.

449
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:30,461
Are you upset about Daddy
getting married?

450
00:19:30,461 --> 00:19:32,254
Kind of.

451
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:35,466
Are you afraid that Gabriela
is gonna replace Mommy?

452
00:19:35,466 --> 00:19:37,551
No.

453
00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:40,179
Are you sure?

454
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,348
Because Mommy had
a big speech planned

455
00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:44,100
about how no one
can replace Mommy.

456
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:47,186
It's a great speech.

457
00:19:48,562 --> 00:19:50,773
No.

458
00:19:50,773 --> 00:19:52,942
Then why don't you want to
go to the wedding?

459
00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:56,195
Because I heard you say
you didn't want to go
to Daddy's wedding

460
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:57,905
because
it would make you sad.

461
00:19:57,905 --> 00:20:01,117
Oh, sweetie.

462
00:20:01,117 --> 00:20:03,536
I didn't say that.

463
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:07,039
I didn't want to go
because I don't have a date.

464
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:10,960
But the most important
thing is,

465
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,796
Daddy wants you to be there
on his special day.

466
00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:15,548
I'm not going
unless you go.

467
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:16,966
[ Sighs ]

468
00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:19,343
This is why people take dogs
back to the shelter.

469
00:20:21,929 --> 00:20:23,556
I'll go.

470
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:27,351
But you know what I want you
to whisper really loudly

471
00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:30,229
when Gabriela
walks down the aisle?

472
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:32,690
"You're so much prettier
than her"?

473
00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:36,068
I am
raising you right!

474
00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:41,699
Welcome to The Lunch Box.

475
00:20:41,699 --> 00:20:43,325
We're having a special
today for the holidays.

476
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:45,995
It's a sandwich that we call
the Ho-Ho-Hoagie.

477
00:20:45,995 --> 00:20:48,080
Jackie?

478
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,498
Yeah.

479
00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:52,376
I'm Doris.
I'm Neville and Louise's mom.

480
00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:54,003
Oh. Okay.

481
00:20:54,003 --> 00:20:56,464
Well, it's
nice to meet you.

482
00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:58,215
I don't know whether
Dan told you,

483
00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:00,468
but I'm going on tour
with Louise,

484
00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:03,846
and I thought when I'm done,
Neville might be interested

485
00:21:03,846 --> 00:21:06,557
in going on a road trip to
see all the zoos in America.

486
00:21:06,557 --> 00:21:07,975
Mm-hmm.

487
00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:09,810
Um...

488
00:21:09,810 --> 00:21:12,271
Don't you dare try and pull
that crap with me, honey,

489
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:14,565
'cause I have danced with
the devil in the pale moonlight.

490
00:21:14,565 --> 00:21:17,109
You mess with my marriage,
I end you.

491
00:21:18,736 --> 00:21:21,155
So, uh...

492
00:21:21,155 --> 00:21:23,115
you want me to
call you "Mom" or what?