1
00:00:01,715 --> 00:00:03,383
♪♪
2
00:00:03,383 --> 00:00:06,845
Hey, Darlene!
I need a hand.
3
00:00:06,845 --> 00:00:08,472
I gotta go
to a memorial service
4
00:00:08,472 --> 00:00:10,557
for my high-school
English teacher on Sunday,
5
00:00:10,557 --> 00:00:12,309
and I don't know
what to wear.
6
00:00:12,309 --> 00:00:15,979
Uh, black and shoes
you wouldn't go camping in.
7
00:00:15,979 --> 00:00:18,607
Oh, I know black.
8
00:00:18,607 --> 00:00:19,942
But I'm gonna see
classmates
9
00:00:19,942 --> 00:00:21,568
I haven't seen
for over 50 years.
10
00:00:21,568 --> 00:00:23,070
I don't want
to look shabby
11
00:00:23,070 --> 00:00:26,782
'cause I'd at least like them
to ask how I'm doing.
12
00:00:26,782 --> 00:00:30,160
Then I can say "poorly,"
and we can move on.
13
00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:31,286
Alright, fine.
14
00:00:31,286 --> 00:00:33,997
Uh, what about the suit
you married Louise in?
15
00:00:33,997 --> 00:00:37,042
I don't want
to make it all sad.
16
00:00:37,042 --> 00:00:40,420
It's in the happy end
of the closet.
17
00:00:40,420 --> 00:00:42,464
You have happy clothes
and sad clothes?
18
00:00:42,464 --> 00:00:44,049
Yeah.
19
00:00:44,049 --> 00:00:47,010
Like I got a happy daughter
and a sad daughter.
20
00:00:47,010 --> 00:00:49,054
And here's the happy one.
21
00:00:49,054 --> 00:00:51,265
Hi!
It's a beautiful day.
22
00:00:53,433 --> 00:00:54,685
Let her help you.
23
00:00:54,685 --> 00:00:57,562
The sad one is busy
looking for work right now.
24
00:00:57,562 --> 00:01:00,232
Uh, "Must be upbeat and like
working with people."
25
00:01:00,232 --> 00:01:00,983
Next.
26
00:01:04,403 --> 00:01:06,280
What are you guys
doing here, anyway?
27
00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:09,157
Didn't I build you
a house?
28
00:01:09,157 --> 00:01:11,243
Well, Darlene is using
your Wi-Fi,
29
00:01:11,243 --> 00:01:12,911
and my mail still comes here
30
00:01:12,911 --> 00:01:15,414
so I can tell
the credit card company,
31
00:01:15,414 --> 00:01:18,041
"I would've paid it, but it
didn't come to my new place."
32
00:01:19,501 --> 00:01:22,212
What's the clothes problem?
33
00:01:22,212 --> 00:01:23,755
I gotta go to a funeral
on Sunday,
34
00:01:23,755 --> 00:01:25,841
and I don't have
anything to wear.
35
00:01:25,841 --> 00:01:28,218
I got a sports coat,
but it's kinda loud.
36
00:01:28,218 --> 00:01:31,221
My English teacher
would've said it's "gauche."
37
00:01:31,221 --> 00:01:33,348
She just made up words
like that.
38
00:01:33,348 --> 00:01:35,267
She was so cool.
39
00:01:35,267 --> 00:01:37,978
Here's something for you
from the bank.
40
00:01:37,978 --> 00:01:39,688
It says "time sensitive."
41
00:01:44,443 --> 00:01:45,944
Damn it.
What?
42
00:01:45,944 --> 00:01:47,904
My variable mortgage rate
blew up,
43
00:01:47,904 --> 00:01:50,198
and I owe 6 grand
I don't have.
44
00:01:50,198 --> 00:01:52,284
Oh, my God.
How soon do they want it?
45
00:01:52,284 --> 00:01:53,535
They want it now.
46
00:01:53,535 --> 00:01:54,745
[ Knock on door ]
47
00:01:54,745 --> 00:01:57,456
Darlene:
Can somebody get that?
48
00:01:57,456 --> 00:02:00,167
Sorry.
Delivery Girl Darlene's
49
00:02:00,167 --> 00:02:01,793
gotta finish
this job application
50
00:02:01,793 --> 00:02:05,881
before she drops off
some Italian food.
51
00:02:05,881 --> 00:02:07,382
Damn it!
I just wrote "chicken parm"
52
00:02:07,382 --> 00:02:08,884
under "special skills."
53
00:02:11,053 --> 00:02:13,263
Oh, my stars and garters!
Smitty!
54
00:02:13,263 --> 00:02:14,598
Hello, Dan!
55
00:02:14,598 --> 00:02:17,100
Good to see you,
brother.
56
00:02:17,100 --> 00:02:18,685
Girls, this is Smitty.
57
00:02:18,685 --> 00:02:20,187
I told you about him.
58
00:02:20,187 --> 00:02:21,855
He's a buddy
of me and your mom's
59
00:02:21,855 --> 00:02:24,399
who made a killing
in the pool supply business.
60
00:02:24,399 --> 00:02:26,985
Honestly, I didn't think
you'd show up for the funeral.
61
00:02:26,985 --> 00:02:29,655
Why hang out with us regular
folks after you made it big?
62
00:02:29,655 --> 00:02:32,741
'Cause showing the regular folks
how you made it big
63
00:02:32,741 --> 00:02:34,743
is the whole point of
making it big.
64
00:02:36,161 --> 00:02:38,622
Money doesn't bring
you happiness, Dan.
65
00:02:38,622 --> 00:02:40,832
But it makes other people
feel badly about themselves,
66
00:02:40,832 --> 00:02:41,667
and that makes you happy.
67
00:02:43,418 --> 00:02:45,170
Well, mission accomplished.
[ Chuckles ]
68
00:02:45,170 --> 00:02:49,424
I had to be in Chicago anyway.
I bought a hospital here.
69
00:02:49,424 --> 00:02:52,219
Hey, would any of you folks
get a triple bypass
70
00:02:52,219 --> 00:02:54,346
at a place called
Smitty General?
71
00:02:55,681 --> 00:02:57,891
Yes, I'd like one.
72
00:02:57,891 --> 00:02:59,768
Hi. I'm Becky.
Hi.
73
00:02:59,768 --> 00:03:02,062
Uh, I'm always looking
for a good place
74
00:03:02,062 --> 00:03:05,315
to have a mental breakdown,
if you offer those services.
75
00:03:05,315 --> 00:03:06,191
I'm Darlene.
76
00:03:06,191 --> 00:03:09,152
Hi.
You're Rosie's kids.
77
00:03:09,152 --> 00:03:10,320
I'm sorry about your mom.
78
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,447
She was a one-of-a-kind.
79
00:03:12,447 --> 00:03:15,534
I don't know if you know this,
but I was almost your dad.
80
00:03:16,868 --> 00:03:17,994
You still can be.
81
00:03:21,123 --> 00:03:23,333
We both had a thing
for your mom.
82
00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:25,669
And she chose Dan.
83
00:03:25,669 --> 00:03:26,628
Can't blame her.
84
00:03:26,628 --> 00:03:28,088
Hell of a guy.
85
00:03:28,088 --> 00:03:29,297
Anyway,
I just dropped by
86
00:03:29,297 --> 00:03:31,675
'cause I'm giving everyone
in our gang a little gift
87
00:03:31,675 --> 00:03:33,552
before we get together
at The Lobo tonight.
88
00:03:33,552 --> 00:03:34,344
Oh.
89
00:03:37,806 --> 00:03:40,475
"In Loving Memory
of Mrs. Willens.
90
00:03:40,475 --> 00:03:46,481
She always said I was going to
be someone special, and I am."
91
00:03:46,481 --> 00:03:47,732
Smitty Cusamano.
92
00:03:47,732 --> 00:03:48,942
[ Laughs ]
93
00:03:48,942 --> 00:03:51,278
Well, that's quite
a tribute to her.
94
00:03:51,278 --> 00:03:54,531
No, it's -- it's for me,
because I did so well.
95
00:03:54,531 --> 00:03:56,867
I --
Well, I think it's fun.
96
00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:01,538
I'll see you later on tonight
at The Lobo, Danny boy.
97
00:04:01,538 --> 00:04:05,208
And, um, we're gonna have
a free breakfast program
98
00:04:05,208 --> 00:04:07,377
at the hospital
for underserved communities.
99
00:04:07,377 --> 00:04:08,670
You should come by.
100
00:04:08,670 --> 00:04:11,214
Some eggs and a sausage'll
bring that color right back.
101
00:04:14,259 --> 00:04:35,697
♪♪
102
00:04:35,697 --> 00:04:36,907
"The Conners" is recorded
103
00:04:36,907 --> 00:04:38,575
in front of
a live studio audience.
104
00:04:38,575 --> 00:04:39,451
[ Clears throat ]
105
00:04:39,451 --> 00:04:41,745
Your attention, please.
106
00:04:41,745 --> 00:04:45,916
Next up on the catwalk, in this
season's hottest winter look,
107
00:04:45,916 --> 00:04:48,710
direct from Milan...O's Pizza...
108
00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:52,589
...Lanford's own Beverly Rose!
109
00:04:59,513 --> 00:05:03,391
Oh, wow!
Look at you.
110
00:05:03,391 --> 00:05:06,645
Pretty fierce, the way
you're rocking those Fuggs.
111
00:05:06,645 --> 00:05:07,813
They're real Uggs.
112
00:05:07,813 --> 00:05:10,023
Wow. Those aren't cheap.
113
00:05:10,023 --> 00:05:12,317
Don't worry. They're gonna get
plenty of use.
114
00:05:12,317 --> 00:05:15,070
When she outgrows them,
your mom can wear them.
115
00:05:16,363 --> 00:05:17,948
Ooh, burn on me.
116
00:05:17,948 --> 00:05:20,158
I don't have your big,
fat yeti feet.
117
00:05:21,660 --> 00:05:24,037
Go put your new shoes by
the door, sweet pea.
118
00:05:26,373 --> 00:05:28,208
Celebrate with me?
119
00:05:28,208 --> 00:05:30,377
I finally figured out
what I'm going to do
120
00:05:30,377 --> 00:05:32,128
with my psychology degree.
121
00:05:32,879 --> 00:05:34,130
I talked to my advisor,
122
00:05:34,130 --> 00:05:36,633
and I'm going to be
an addiction counselor.
123
00:05:36,633 --> 00:05:39,719
Is this your way of telling me
that I get high too much?
124
00:05:39,719 --> 00:05:40,762
Because I just took a gummy,
125
00:05:40,762 --> 00:05:42,764
and I'm getting
a little paranoid.
126
00:05:42,764 --> 00:05:44,850
No, it's about
how good I feel
127
00:05:44,850 --> 00:05:48,103
helping people I've sponsored
turn their lives around.
128
00:05:48,103 --> 00:05:50,564
Turns out all those years
I was getting blackout drunk,
129
00:05:50,564 --> 00:05:52,148
I was just doing research.
130
00:05:53,316 --> 00:05:57,153
The only downside is,
I gotta get my master's degree,
131
00:05:57,153 --> 00:05:58,947
which I can't afford to do
132
00:05:58,947 --> 00:06:00,866
unless I live with
Ben and your mom
133
00:06:00,866 --> 00:06:02,951
for two years longer
than we planned.
134
00:06:02,951 --> 00:06:04,744
Have you told them yet?
135
00:06:04,744 --> 00:06:06,955
No big deal.
I'll just move back in here.
136
00:06:06,955 --> 00:06:09,416
Nope. Louise turned the extra
bedroom into a music room,
137
00:06:09,416 --> 00:06:12,460
and Grandpa moved
his weed grow downstairs.
138
00:06:12,460 --> 00:06:14,963
Why? I thought he was growing it
in their closet.
139
00:06:14,963 --> 00:06:17,299
He was, but the pot
made Louise's clothes smell,
140
00:06:17,299 --> 00:06:19,259
and a drug dog
took her down in Walmart.
141
00:06:20,468 --> 00:06:22,262
♪♪
142
00:06:22,262 --> 00:06:25,515
So, why was this teacher
so special?
143
00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:26,933
She passed all the jocks
144
00:06:26,933 --> 00:06:29,811
so we wouldn't get
kicked off our teams.
145
00:06:29,811 --> 00:06:31,146
At my graduation, she said,
146
00:06:31,146 --> 00:06:33,273
"Some of you have
bright futures.
147
00:06:33,273 --> 00:06:34,733
Some of you don't know
your butts
148
00:06:34,733 --> 00:06:37,068
from a hole
in the ground...
149
00:06:37,068 --> 00:06:38,653
Dan."
150
00:06:38,653 --> 00:06:41,281
Nice shout-out.
151
00:06:41,281 --> 00:06:43,992
So, this is what
a room full of jocks
152
00:06:43,992 --> 00:06:46,786
looks like
50 years later, huh?
153
00:06:46,786 --> 00:06:49,539
Hey, I resemble that remark.
154
00:06:49,539 --> 00:06:51,791
So, I was never an athlete,
but Mrs. Willens,
155
00:06:51,791 --> 00:06:54,210
she showed the same grade
respect to the color guard.
156
00:06:54,210 --> 00:06:57,714
She used to love
to watch me twirl my guns.
157
00:06:57,714 --> 00:07:00,216
You got a lot of action
twirling those guns.
Yeah.
158
00:07:00,216 --> 00:07:02,177
That's when my brother
fell in love with you.
159
00:07:02,177 --> 00:07:05,764
Oh, yeah, everybody loves
the rifle girl.
160
00:07:05,764 --> 00:07:08,308
Odd thing is, though,
nobody remembers me.
161
00:07:08,308 --> 00:07:10,518
But I look
basically the same,
162
00:07:10,518 --> 00:07:13,730
so, uh, I guess that's
what's throwing people off.
163
00:07:13,730 --> 00:07:16,191
Louise Goldufsky?
164
00:07:16,191 --> 00:07:17,859
[ Chuckles ]
Oh.
165
00:07:17,859 --> 00:07:20,820
And
Jackie Harris.
166
00:07:20,820 --> 00:07:22,822
Okay.
[ Laughs ]
167
00:07:22,822 --> 00:07:25,075
So good
to see you again.
Yes.
168
00:07:25,075 --> 00:07:26,618
Hey, Smitty, come join us
at our table.
169
00:07:26,618 --> 00:07:27,827
I'll go get some drinks.
170
00:07:27,827 --> 00:07:28,953
How you doing, Smitty?
171
00:07:28,953 --> 00:07:30,747
How's he doing?
172
00:07:30,747 --> 00:07:34,042
How's he d-- This guy
went from blowing the whistle
173
00:07:34,042 --> 00:07:36,878
at swim meets to being
the biggest name in pool supply.
174
00:07:36,878 --> 00:07:38,546
That's how he's doing.
175
00:07:38,546 --> 00:07:41,216
Hey, you remember how I used to
watch you start the races?
176
00:07:41,216 --> 00:07:43,009
I'll say yes
if we can move on.
177
00:07:43,009 --> 00:07:45,929
Yeah.
Movin' on.
178
00:07:45,929 --> 00:07:48,181
Maybe if you watch me
walking away, you'll remember.
179
00:07:53,186 --> 00:07:57,065
So...I heard you and Dan
got hitched.
180
00:07:57,065 --> 00:07:59,150
Although I wouldn't know it
from the ring,
181
00:07:59,150 --> 00:08:01,069
'cause you can
barely see the stone.
182
00:08:01,069 --> 00:08:03,947
Oh, hello! Peekaboo.
[ Sighs ]
183
00:08:03,947 --> 00:08:07,701
You know, Smitty, um,
we're all really happy for you,
184
00:08:07,701 --> 00:08:11,162
but between us, could you
ease up on the money thing?
185
00:08:11,162 --> 00:08:12,872
Dan's going through
a rough stretch.
186
00:08:12,872 --> 00:08:14,249
I'm sorry.
What happened?
187
00:08:14,249 --> 00:08:15,250
Oh, you know.
188
00:08:15,250 --> 00:08:17,877
Bank loans,
interest rates going up.
189
00:08:17,877 --> 00:08:20,088
We got totally blindsided.
190
00:08:20,088 --> 00:08:22,298
You guys should
watch the TV.
191
00:08:22,298 --> 00:08:23,633
It's full of information.
192
00:08:23,633 --> 00:08:25,468
Here you go.
193
00:08:25,468 --> 00:08:27,512
So, Dan...
Milady.
194
00:08:27,512 --> 00:08:29,264
How much ya need?
195
00:08:29,264 --> 00:08:31,891
Enough to make me
feel pretty.
196
00:08:31,891 --> 00:08:34,352
No, I mean money.
Smitty.
197
00:08:34,352 --> 00:08:37,063
Hey, if you're behind on your
mortgage, let me help you out.
198
00:08:37,063 --> 00:08:40,275
Oh, uh...
199
00:08:40,275 --> 00:08:42,110
I appreciate it, man,
but we're good.
200
00:08:42,110 --> 00:08:45,155
Oh, come on.
I wouldn't even miss it.
201
00:08:45,155 --> 00:08:47,574
That's the thing about making
your first million, Dan.
202
00:08:47,574 --> 00:08:49,951
After that, the others
aren't that hard.
203
00:08:49,951 --> 00:08:51,786
It's like hamsters.
204
00:08:51,786 --> 00:08:56,499
The money just climbs
on top of each other
and makes more money.
205
00:08:56,499 --> 00:08:57,751
Well, let me put it
this way --
206
00:08:57,751 --> 00:09:01,212
If you were a millionaire,
you'd do it for me, right?
207
00:09:01,212 --> 00:09:04,340
Well, I don't know.
208
00:09:04,340 --> 00:09:06,509
After I built the arcade
and a Buffalo Wild Wings
209
00:09:06,509 --> 00:09:09,054
in my basement,
I might poke my head up
210
00:09:09,054 --> 00:09:12,307
once a year to see
if anyone needs help.
211
00:09:12,307 --> 00:09:13,475
Come on, Dan.
212
00:09:13,475 --> 00:09:15,143
When other people
need help,
213
00:09:15,143 --> 00:09:16,686
you're the first guy
to offer.
214
00:09:19,314 --> 00:09:20,690
Six grand,
and I'll pay you back.
215
00:09:22,358 --> 00:09:25,070
[ Sighs ]
You saved my ass, bro.
216
00:09:25,070 --> 00:09:27,489
Happy to do it.
217
00:09:27,489 --> 00:09:29,365
Hey, everybody!
218
00:09:29,365 --> 00:09:33,995
A toast to all my pals
who are here this evening.
219
00:09:33,995 --> 00:09:36,164
And especially
my friend Dan.
220
00:09:36,164 --> 00:09:38,541
I haven't seen this guy
for 50 years,
221
00:09:38,541 --> 00:09:41,628
and the first thing he does
is hit me up for six large.
222
00:09:41,628 --> 00:09:44,798
Can you believe the stones
on this guy?
223
00:09:44,798 --> 00:09:45,840
Huh?
224
00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:47,884
Well, cheers!
225
00:09:47,884 --> 00:09:50,095
[ All murmuring ]
226
00:09:50,095 --> 00:09:52,972
That was for Roseanne,
jackass.
227
00:09:52,972 --> 00:09:54,057
♪♪
228
00:09:56,935 --> 00:09:58,770
What the hell, Smitty?
229
00:09:58,770 --> 00:10:01,397
You loaned me that money
just to humiliate me?
230
00:10:01,397 --> 00:10:03,149
I thought you were okay
with the whole Roseanne thing.
231
00:10:03,149 --> 00:10:04,859
I thought I was.
232
00:10:04,859 --> 00:10:07,237
Till I got here and everybody
started laughing,
233
00:10:07,237 --> 00:10:09,989
remembering how I took
Roseanne to homecoming
234
00:10:09,989 --> 00:10:11,032
and you went home
with her.
235
00:10:11,032 --> 00:10:13,201
That was 50 years ago!
236
00:10:13,201 --> 00:10:15,995
You humiliated me, man.
237
00:10:15,995 --> 00:10:17,413
Payback's a bitch.
238
00:10:17,413 --> 00:10:18,832
You know what's gonna be
a bitch
239
00:10:18,832 --> 00:10:20,083
is putting your nose
back into place.
240
00:10:20,083 --> 00:10:21,417
Hey, Dan --
Ah.
241
00:10:21,417 --> 00:10:24,546
Always the big, tough jock,
right, Dan?
242
00:10:24,546 --> 00:10:25,880
Folks, listen up.
243
00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:28,466
Anybody got a beef
with Conner here?
244
00:10:28,466 --> 00:10:30,844
'Cause I got two grand
for anybody
245
00:10:30,844 --> 00:10:32,387
who'll take my place
in a fight.
246
00:10:34,556 --> 00:10:35,849
Hey, Danny.
247
00:10:35,849 --> 00:10:37,809
Bobo?
248
00:10:39,519 --> 00:10:42,647
What do you and your fat wife
think of my new hat?
249
00:10:42,647 --> 00:10:43,189
[ Laughs ]
250
00:10:49,529 --> 00:10:50,864
[ Thud ]
251
00:10:50,864 --> 00:10:52,198
I'll fight him for free.
252
00:10:53,366 --> 00:10:56,578
I just offered you
$2,000.
253
00:10:56,578 --> 00:11:00,123
This is why poor people
never get anywhere.
254
00:11:00,123 --> 00:11:02,000
Had my jaw wired shut
for three months.
255
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,418
I don't need your money.
256
00:11:03,418 --> 00:11:05,170
I'm not gonna fight you.
257
00:11:05,170 --> 00:11:06,629
This is between me
and Smitty.
258
00:11:06,629 --> 00:11:08,381
Well, then you're gonna
stand there
259
00:11:08,381 --> 00:11:10,383
while I punch you
like you sucker-punched me.
260
00:11:10,383 --> 00:11:12,969
Uh, Dan, you --
you cannot do any fighting.
261
00:11:12,969 --> 00:11:15,847
Oh, I never walked away
from one yet.
262
00:11:15,847 --> 00:11:17,098
Just hold this.
263
00:11:17,098 --> 00:11:18,850
With all the anti-coagulants
I got in me,
264
00:11:18,850 --> 00:11:20,518
I don't want to bleed
all over it.
265
00:11:20,518 --> 00:11:22,770
Whoa, Dan.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
266
00:11:22,770 --> 00:11:25,523
We're all here to honor
Mrs. Willens.
267
00:11:25,523 --> 00:11:27,483
This isn't how you do it.
268
00:11:27,483 --> 00:11:29,444
First off, I remember
your rap sheet
269
00:11:29,444 --> 00:11:31,779
from when I was a cop,
and you don't need this.
270
00:11:31,779 --> 00:11:33,740
No, ma'am, I don't.
271
00:11:35,325 --> 00:11:37,535
Louise, take Dan home
before something happens
272
00:11:37,535 --> 00:11:39,204
that everybody's
gonna regret.
273
00:11:39,204 --> 00:11:41,998
Come on, Dan.
It's not worth it.
274
00:11:41,998 --> 00:11:44,375
You know what?
Yeah, I took Roseanne home!
275
00:11:44,375 --> 00:11:46,336
And we had 45 good years
together!
276
00:11:48,171 --> 00:11:50,757
Then I married this woman.
We're gonna have 45 more!
277
00:11:50,757 --> 00:11:53,176
[ Exhales sharply ]
God forbid.
278
00:11:53,176 --> 00:11:56,846
♪♪
279
00:11:56,846 --> 00:11:58,348
Hey, can we talk
for a second?
280
00:11:58,348 --> 00:11:59,891
Sure.
281
00:11:59,891 --> 00:12:04,062
Uh, I know when we talked
about me moving in with you,
282
00:12:04,062 --> 00:12:07,023
we decided on
a couple years.
283
00:12:07,023 --> 00:12:10,026
I was wondering
what your definition is
284
00:12:10,026 --> 00:12:13,071
of "a couple years."
285
00:12:13,071 --> 00:12:17,659
Not one, not three.
286
00:12:17,659 --> 00:12:19,744
You're in college.
You got this, right?
287
00:12:19,744 --> 00:12:21,788
[ Sighs ]
288
00:12:21,788 --> 00:12:25,166
Look, I might have to live
with you and Ben longer.
289
00:12:25,166 --> 00:12:26,960
I want to be
an addiction counselor,
290
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:29,420
which requires
a master's,
291
00:12:29,420 --> 00:12:33,841
so I'm gonna have to live
with you for four years.
292
00:12:33,841 --> 00:12:37,011
It's just a couple,
but two of them.
293
00:12:39,055 --> 00:12:40,265
Wow.
294
00:12:40,265 --> 00:12:41,975
Four years.
295
00:12:41,975 --> 00:12:43,893
I mean,
I was fine with two,
296
00:12:43,893 --> 00:12:46,604
but waiting to be alone with Ben
that long is asking a lot.
297
00:12:46,604 --> 00:12:48,189
I know.
298
00:12:48,189 --> 00:12:49,774
But you were the one
who encouraged me
299
00:12:49,774 --> 00:12:52,944
to go back to school and --
and make the most of my life.
300
00:12:52,944 --> 00:12:55,697
Yeah, and I'm happy that
you found a direction in life,
301
00:12:55,697 --> 00:12:57,532
but I have to
start mine, too.
302
00:12:57,532 --> 00:13:00,159
I mean, what if you need
two more years after that?
303
00:13:00,159 --> 00:13:01,786
And then two more years?
304
00:13:01,786 --> 00:13:04,664
And then I'm stuck with you
for God knows how long?
305
00:13:04,664 --> 00:13:06,207
Right? I mean, that's what
we did to Mom and Dad,
306
00:13:06,207 --> 00:13:07,709
so I do know
how it works.
307
00:13:10,503 --> 00:13:15,258
Do you think I like having
to ask you to stay longer?
308
00:13:15,258 --> 00:13:18,678
I hate that I got so far
off track,
309
00:13:18,678 --> 00:13:21,306
but now I finally know
what I want to do with my life,
310
00:13:21,306 --> 00:13:23,433
and it's the only way
I can do that.
311
00:13:23,433 --> 00:13:24,642
Well, I get it,
312
00:13:24,642 --> 00:13:29,063
but it's gotta be fair
for me and Ben, too, right?
313
00:13:29,063 --> 00:13:31,649
I'm sorry.
Forget I asked.
314
00:13:33,067 --> 00:13:35,903
♪♪
315
00:13:38,323 --> 00:13:41,617
Look, look, I-I know you don't
want to talk about this,
316
00:13:41,617 --> 00:13:43,369
but I feel terrible.
317
00:13:43,369 --> 00:13:45,955
I never should've told that guy
our financial stuff.
318
00:13:45,955 --> 00:13:48,458
It's not your fault.
319
00:13:48,458 --> 00:13:49,876
Man, I should've
just ripped that check up
320
00:13:49,876 --> 00:13:51,044
and threw it in his face.
321
00:13:51,044 --> 00:13:52,628
I don't know.
322
00:13:52,628 --> 00:13:55,214
I would've lit it on fire
and shoved it down his throat.
323
00:13:55,214 --> 00:13:58,676
Now we're just quibbling about
differences in approach.
324
00:13:58,676 --> 00:13:59,802
It's not on you, Dan.
325
00:13:59,802 --> 00:14:01,387
The guy set you up.
326
00:14:01,387 --> 00:14:03,014
No.
327
00:14:03,014 --> 00:14:06,601
I set myself up
by needing the money.
328
00:14:06,601 --> 00:14:09,228
Maybe i-- if I'd have
worked harder
329
00:14:09,228 --> 00:14:10,813
or done something different
with my life.
330
00:14:10,813 --> 00:14:12,065
Oh.
331
00:14:12,065 --> 00:14:13,983
Oh, come on, honey, no.
332
00:14:13,983 --> 00:14:15,568
Everybody feels like that.
333
00:14:15,568 --> 00:14:17,653
Not Smitty.
334
00:14:17,653 --> 00:14:22,533
No, we both came from the same
circumstance, and he won.
335
00:14:22,533 --> 00:14:25,078
He got everything he wanted
out of life, and I didn't.
336
00:14:26,412 --> 00:14:28,664
Yeah, we've already dodged
two fights tonight,
337
00:14:28,664 --> 00:14:30,333
so I'm not gonna
take that personally.
338
00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:34,921
♪♪
339
00:14:34,921 --> 00:14:36,589
Look, I love my family,
340
00:14:36,589 --> 00:14:38,966
but I do not want them all
at the house.
341
00:14:38,966 --> 00:14:40,551
I just want to be with you.
342
00:14:40,551 --> 00:14:42,470
I don't mind if they visit,
343
00:14:42,470 --> 00:14:44,555
but I look forward
to standing in the doorway
344
00:14:44,555 --> 00:14:46,933
and waving and saying,
"Take care. Drive safely,"
345
00:14:46,933 --> 00:14:50,228
and then triple-locking
that door.
346
00:14:50,228 --> 00:14:53,064
And Becky comments every time
I take a drink.
347
00:14:53,064 --> 00:14:54,065
Can you imagine
when she's studying
348
00:14:54,065 --> 00:14:55,399
to be an addiction
counselor?
349
00:14:55,399 --> 00:14:57,318
Ben: Oh, yeah.
It's gonna be impossible.
350
00:14:57,318 --> 00:15:01,322
She'll be all like, uh,
"Ben, that beer will not heal
351
00:15:01,322 --> 00:15:04,742
the wounded child
inside of you."
352
00:15:04,742 --> 00:15:06,494
No, but it'll knock
that little sucker out
353
00:15:06,494 --> 00:15:08,121
long enough for me
to get hammered.
354
00:15:08,121 --> 00:15:10,998
[ Laughs ]
355
00:15:10,998 --> 00:15:13,167
Hey, how about this?
356
00:15:13,167 --> 00:15:16,379
We save part of Becky's rent --
don't tell her --
357
00:15:16,379 --> 00:15:18,756
and then, in two years,
we give it back to her
358
00:15:18,756 --> 00:15:20,341
so she can move out
when she planned?
359
00:15:20,341 --> 00:15:22,135
We can't do that.
I don't have a job.
360
00:15:22,135 --> 00:15:23,136
We need that money.
361
00:15:23,136 --> 00:15:24,554
Oh, you're gonna get a job.
362
00:15:24,554 --> 00:15:26,848
But in two years,
will you really be able
363
00:15:26,848 --> 00:15:29,100
to just toss her out
into the street?
364
00:15:29,100 --> 00:15:32,395
No, that's why
you're gonna do it.
365
00:15:32,395 --> 00:15:34,564
And I'm gonna say,
"Ben, what are you doing?
366
00:15:34,564 --> 00:15:36,858
That's my sister,
and I love her."
367
00:15:38,818 --> 00:15:41,445
Or...
368
00:15:41,445 --> 00:15:43,906
We give it to her
to save.
369
00:15:43,906 --> 00:15:46,742
No. She'll just blow it
buying Beverly Rose
370
00:15:46,742 --> 00:15:49,829
a diamond tiara to go with
her brand-new Uggs.
371
00:15:51,455 --> 00:15:54,250
Alright. Maybe we can
keep it a secret,
372
00:15:54,250 --> 00:15:55,751
but we should say something
373
00:15:55,751 --> 00:15:58,713
so she's not worried about it
the whole time.
374
00:15:58,713 --> 00:16:01,883
Hey, Becky, come down here
for a sec!
375
00:16:01,883 --> 00:16:03,134
Okay.
We'll keep the money a secret?
376
00:16:03,134 --> 00:16:06,429
Yeah, now that I think about it,
I love the idea.
377
00:16:06,429 --> 00:16:08,973
We hand her the cash,
we look super generous,
378
00:16:08,973 --> 00:16:11,601
she's indebted to us forever
for absolutely no reason.
379
00:16:16,314 --> 00:16:18,649
Listen, I am really sorry
about last night.
380
00:16:18,649 --> 00:16:20,902
It's okay.
You were right.
381
00:16:20,902 --> 00:16:23,779
It's my problem, and I have
two years to figure out
382
00:16:23,779 --> 00:16:26,282
where I'll be living.
383
00:16:26,282 --> 00:16:29,327
I think things
are gonna be okay.
384
00:16:30,578 --> 00:16:31,871
I hope so.
385
00:16:31,871 --> 00:16:37,501
All I'm saying is,
one way or another,
386
00:16:37,501 --> 00:16:42,465
I know you will be fine.
387
00:16:42,465 --> 00:16:45,259
Look, I let you
off the hook.
388
00:16:45,259 --> 00:16:48,054
You don't need to make yourself
feel better by saying
389
00:16:48,054 --> 00:16:50,056
I'm absolutely
gonna be fine.
390
00:16:50,056 --> 00:16:52,642
No, I never said you were
absolutely gonna be fine.
391
00:16:52,642 --> 00:16:56,229
I said I have a very,
very good feeling.
392
00:16:56,229 --> 00:16:58,272
You don't know!
393
00:16:58,272 --> 00:17:00,399
I could end up
in a refrigerator box
394
00:17:00,399 --> 00:17:03,069
behind a dumpster,
fighting rats for French fries!
395
00:17:03,069 --> 00:17:04,278
No, I do know!
I --
396
00:17:04,278 --> 00:17:06,113
Ben and I decided
to save some of the rent
397
00:17:06,113 --> 00:17:07,406
and give it back to you
so you can move out
398
00:17:07,406 --> 00:17:09,367
after two years.
[ Sighs ]
399
00:17:09,367 --> 00:17:11,744
Really?
Surprise.
400
00:17:13,913 --> 00:17:15,289
I think it's great that
you're gonna help people.
401
00:17:15,289 --> 00:17:17,583
Oh, thank you!
402
00:17:17,583 --> 00:17:20,628
And once I get a job,
I will pay back every penny!
403
00:17:20,628 --> 00:17:21,796
Mm.
404
00:17:21,796 --> 00:17:26,050
Here.
Oh, thanks.
405
00:17:26,050 --> 00:17:28,844
Someone's on their second beer
of the afternoon.
406
00:17:30,429 --> 00:17:34,642
♪♪
407
00:17:34,642 --> 00:17:36,686
Ray: Thank you all
for coming.
408
00:17:36,686 --> 00:17:38,938
Some of you may remember
an assignment
409
00:17:38,938 --> 00:17:40,815
that my wife gave you
where she asked you
410
00:17:40,815 --> 00:17:43,234
to write a letter
to your future selves.
411
00:17:43,234 --> 00:17:46,237
These were meant
for your 60th reunion,
412
00:17:46,237 --> 00:17:49,532
but the Lord rang the bell
and ended her school day,
413
00:17:49,532 --> 00:17:50,992
so please read them now.
414
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,204
Wow.
415
00:17:55,204 --> 00:17:57,707
It's addressed
to "Mrs. Donny Osmond."
416
00:18:01,210 --> 00:18:03,879
"I know the Mormons have
accepted you,
417
00:18:03,879 --> 00:18:06,173
and right now,
you're probably recovering
418
00:18:06,173 --> 00:18:10,177
from your whirlwind tour
of Asia with the guys.
419
00:18:10,177 --> 00:18:14,223
All the people in school
who never noticed you
420
00:18:14,223 --> 00:18:15,975
are gonna regret it.
421
00:18:15,975 --> 00:18:19,186
Please remember the teenager
who promised herself that,
422
00:18:19,186 --> 00:18:23,149
no matter how rich
she became...
423
00:18:23,149 --> 00:18:24,734
she'd never
help her mother."
424
00:18:28,070 --> 00:18:30,948
That's touching.
425
00:18:30,948 --> 00:18:33,993
"Dear future self,
you had a rough year,
426
00:18:33,993 --> 00:18:36,329
but things
are turning around.
427
00:18:36,329 --> 00:18:38,956
You're now president
of the Junior Achievers Club,
428
00:18:38,956 --> 00:18:41,709
and once you get a girlfriend,
everything will be perfect.
429
00:18:41,709 --> 00:18:44,211
But don't go after
Louise Goldufsky.
430
00:18:44,211 --> 00:18:47,381
I think she's gonna end up
in the roller derby anyway
431
00:18:47,381 --> 00:18:48,841
and be out of your league."
432
00:18:51,135 --> 00:18:53,220
What? You looked like
a roller-derby queen.
433
00:18:53,220 --> 00:18:55,931
Yeah, I kinda do.
434
00:18:59,852 --> 00:19:04,690
Uh, "Dear Dan, I know you're all
freaked out about the future,
435
00:19:04,690 --> 00:19:07,943
but you're gonna play D-line
in the NFL, so don't sweat it.
436
00:19:07,943 --> 00:19:10,988
It's easy for a Hall of Famer
to get a job.
437
00:19:10,988 --> 00:19:14,909
Just be good at what you do,
find a woman who loves you,
438
00:19:14,909 --> 00:19:18,829
and raise a family where you're
always there for your kids.
439
00:19:18,829 --> 00:19:20,998
Not like our dad.
440
00:19:20,998 --> 00:19:24,710
Be a stand-up guy, and that's
all you need to be successful.
441
00:19:24,710 --> 00:19:29,131
Oh, yeah, and get
a cool motorcycle."
442
00:19:29,131 --> 00:19:31,967
I did it.
443
00:19:31,967 --> 00:19:34,220
I did that.
444
00:19:34,220 --> 00:19:35,680
I even got the bike
in the garage.
445
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:39,016
And you never know
when the NFL is gonna call.
446
00:19:39,016 --> 00:19:41,644
Hey, Smitty,
I just realized --
447
00:19:41,644 --> 00:19:45,147
You didn't win.
I did.
448
00:19:45,147 --> 00:19:47,566
I am a success in everything
that matters.
449
00:19:47,566 --> 00:19:48,693
And I don't need
your money.
450
00:19:48,693 --> 00:19:50,027
[ Check ripping ]
451
00:19:50,027 --> 00:19:51,612
I'll figure it out.
452
00:19:51,612 --> 00:19:52,738
I always have.
453
00:19:55,783 --> 00:19:57,785
Took a lot of guts
to do that.
454
00:19:57,785 --> 00:19:59,328
Yeah, well,
that's who I am.
455
00:19:59,328 --> 00:20:02,331
Also, I cashed his check
this morning.
456
00:20:02,331 --> 00:20:04,125
That was a $2 rebate
from the cable company.
457
00:20:04,125 --> 00:20:05,292
♪♪
458
00:20:10,965 --> 00:20:14,552
You look really familiar.
459
00:20:15,553 --> 00:20:17,763
Excuse me?
460
00:20:17,763 --> 00:20:18,973
I know you, right?
461
00:20:18,973 --> 00:20:21,142
Oh.
I'm the King of Chlorine.
462
00:20:21,142 --> 00:20:23,561
You probably saw one of
my late-night commercials.
463
00:20:23,561 --> 00:20:25,146
Oh! Oh, yeah!
464
00:20:25,146 --> 00:20:26,480
Those commercials
kind of suck,
465
00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:28,607
and you're too old
to be wearing a Speedo, dude.
466
00:20:31,318 --> 00:20:32,737
What the hell do you want,
Smitty?
467
00:20:32,737 --> 00:20:33,821
Dan, I know I told you
468
00:20:33,821 --> 00:20:36,449
I wouldn't notice
if I gave you $6,000,
469
00:20:36,449 --> 00:20:38,409
but I did notice when
the bank cleared the check.
470
00:20:38,409 --> 00:20:39,785
Look, look, look.
471
00:20:39,785 --> 00:20:42,079
We could either stand here
and fight about what you did
472
00:20:42,079 --> 00:20:44,749
or what I did,
or you can come in here,
473
00:20:44,749 --> 00:20:49,128
say hello to the family
you could've had.
474
00:20:49,128 --> 00:20:51,964
I-I-I'm not here
for the money, Dan.
475
00:20:51,964 --> 00:20:54,550
I'm here to apologize.
476
00:20:54,550 --> 00:20:55,926
This may surprise you,
477
00:20:55,926 --> 00:20:58,637
but my rash behavior
has cost me a lot of friends.
478
00:20:58,637 --> 00:21:00,014
It's the Speedo,
dude.
479
00:21:00,014 --> 00:21:03,392
People are embarrassed
to be seen with you.
480
00:21:03,392 --> 00:21:07,021
Oh, come on.
Deep down, he's a good guy.
481
00:21:07,021 --> 00:21:09,774
Just nobody wants to dig
that far.
482
00:21:09,774 --> 00:21:11,859
Now that I don't have
to pay you back,
483
00:21:11,859 --> 00:21:13,027
you will always
have a friend here.
484
00:21:13,027 --> 00:21:14,236
[ Chuckles ]
485
00:21:14,236 --> 00:21:15,863
I-I'm sorry,
I can't forgive you
486
00:21:15,863 --> 00:21:17,907
for what you did
to my dad.
487
00:21:17,907 --> 00:21:20,326
However, if your hospital has
an opening in mid-management,
488
00:21:20,326 --> 00:21:22,119
I can switch allegiances
in a heartbeat.
489
00:21:23,996 --> 00:21:25,289
She really can.
490
00:21:26,832 --> 00:21:29,126
- - Captions by VITAC --