KELVIN GEMSTONE: What are we supposed to be thinking?
They just got up and waltzed away?
I think maybe what we've witnessed here
is nothing short of a miracle.
Maybe it was all just like a figment of imagination.
They certainly felt real when we drove over
what felt like their skulls.
SCOTTY: I've been thinking about what we should do next.
We have no leverage.
I got a backup drive, indestructible.
Brother Pastors.
We all have churches in Locust Grove,
and we're scared you're gonna run us out of our own hometown.
I finally figured out who the blackmailer is.
Johnny Seasons.
(GUNSHOT)
You want to mess with me?!
You did this.
It was me, I'm going home.
I'll get the money, okay?
If you don't, I will kill you.
-Hey, mama. -Gideon.
[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
[Gene Autry's "That Silver Haired Daddy of Mine"]
♪ ♪
[water running]
- ♪ In a vine-covered shack ♪
- Baby Billy!
- ♪ In the mountains ♪
- Baby Billy!
- ♪ Bravely fighting the battle of time ♪
- Baby Billy!
- ♪ There's a dear one who's weathered life's sorrows ♪
- Baby Billy, don't act like you can't hear me
when I'm hollering out your name.
- Sorry, darlin', I was lost in thought.
- Well, I brought you some warm milk.
- [exhales] Thank you.
[slurps]
Sweet ambrosia.
- Tell me about the church again, Baby Billy.
It's right in town.
- Oh, it's right smack dab in the middle of it.
Right where I belong.
Fun chain restaurants, name-brand clothing stores...
- Do you think they have streetwear?
- Oh, they got it all.
- And now they got Baby Billy Freeman.
[chuckles]
Your husband... [grunts]
is about to become the head pastor of his own church.
- I'm sure proud of you.
- I'm proud of myself too.
You haven't known me that long,
but this is actually more my normal mode--
being successful, that is.
Reminds me of the good ol' days,
back when my sister was alive.
- This seems too good to be true.
I still can't believe we're moving.
- Well, believe it, child.
'Cause you are about to enter a world
much larger than your own,
a world full of riches and glamour.
A world full of...
Gemstones.
- ♪ Praise ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Praise ♪
- We're gonna be late, damn it!
Homeboy moves to L.A.,
forgets how to use a flippin' watch, huh?
- Can I please just stay home?
- Everybody's going to church, God damn it.
- [whispering] Eyes on the prize.
To the still mind, the entire universe surrenders.
- Come on, Gideon! We gotta go!
- [whispering] I'm coming.
- ♪ Every day ♪
- You met Vin Diesel? - Who's that?
- From the "Fast and Furious" movies, Mom.
- I never heard of him.
- You're not gonna like "The Fast and the Furious" movies.
- She might. They're action movies,
but they're really more about family.
- It's not about family.
It's about people of various "ethnenticities"
pushing each other's buttons and racing around in vehicles.
You won't like it.
Besides, Vin Diesel's not even a big deal anymore.
- Well, I didn't even really meet him, anyways.
I mean, I just saw him at a grocery store once,
so it's not like we're best friends.
- I can't believe you'd come back here.
- I missed you guys.
- Aw, we missed you too, baby.
- When I was a boy, I met Telly Savalas in a bagel shop.
- Who? - Who's that?
- Telly Savalas! "Kojak"!
"Diners' Club"! Telly Savalas!
Okay, now we don't know who Telly Savalas is, okay.
- ♪ La, la, la-la, la ♪
♪ La, la-la, la ♪
[indistinct chatter]
- So the church is in a fuckin' mall?
- Yeah, Judy. Big whoop.
All across America, capitalism's crumbling.
That's when we step up.
Plant churches and shut down big-box stores.
- And what did this church used to be?
- A Sears, I believe? Hold up.
[sighs] I can't remember if it's past that Foot Locker
or over down by the Victoria's Secret.
- Do I have time to stop for an Orange Julius?
- No, BJ, Daddy's waitin'.
You know sugar before church gives you B.O.
- [hisses] Ah.
- Good mornin'.
Good mornin'. Thank you so much.
We think you're gonna like it here.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to the new Gemstone Center.
- Excuse--excuse me one second. Here, stand right here.
Can I talk to you for a second, Eli?
Just shake these people's hand.
Just say hello. Say hello.
- Hi! I'm Tiffany.
My husband's the star of the show.
- You got me opening a church in the middle of a mall.
Ain't too many pastors with my kinda pedigree
and experience would take a position like this.
Now, I'm used to headlining coliseums.
- You asked me if I had a position.
Are you telling me you don't want it now?
- Well, ain't nobody said they didn't want no position.
I ain't gonna be offended. We family.
I'm gonna do you this favor.
I'm gonna bring you that Freeman magic now.
- What do you say we go get the ol' ball rollin'?
- ♪ 'Cause if the flame stays lit ♪
♪ Then you know it's true ♪
♪ Let God be your light ♪
♪ New friends in Christ ♪
♪ God is the rock of our salvation ♪
♪ Let us sing a joyful noise ♪
♪ New friends in Christ ♪
[cheers and applause]
- Yeah! - Oh, my!
That was nice
to sing with family and you,
our new friends.
Let me introduce a feller that's gonna be the head pastor
here at our brand-new
Locust Grove Campus,
Baby Billy Freeman.
[applause]
- Ah, well thank you, Eli.
Thank you, that was a--that was a very formal introduction.
Eli up here acting like y'all don't know who I am.
I'm Aimee-Leigh's little brother.
As children, we had a singing duel.
♪ We would sing and praise His name ♪
Amen, amen. all: Amen.
- Toured all throughout the South.
The old Salwell circuit.
Yes, yes, I have been down the block a few times,
and I got the silver hairs to prove it.
Amen, amen. [laughing]
We are so grateful for this opportunity
to worship and praise His name
here in this place that used to be a Sears--
a place you could buy slacks or some power tools,
for all you men out there.
But now you can buy Jesus, amen.
[cheers and applause] You can buy Jesus, amen.
But you can't put him on layaway.
[laughs] My wife, Tiffany, she wrote that joke.
She has a wonderful playfulness she approaches life with.
I'd let her speak, but she ain't very good at it, so...
I'll just speak for the both of us.
- [giggles] - Gideon's looking tasty.
Staying in shape.
- He is. I mean, that's show biz, right?
You gotta keep a tight physique.
It's pretty much mand. That's mandatory.
- I mean, depending on what you wanna do.
If you wanna be behind the scenes,
you can be fat as fuck if you want to.
- I'm talking about stars, okay?
You gotta be a specimen.
You gotta be a straight unit in order to break through.
- Mm-hmm, I think Gideon's got potential for that.
He's got Mama's eyes. - Mm-hmm.
- All right, first off, he don't.
He's got Amber's eyes.
Second off, he ain't even trying to be a movie star.
He wants to be a flippin' stunt man.
Damn crash test dummy.
- Really? You're not at all happy he's home?
- No, I ain't happy he's home.
Motherfucker waltzes in here
like he's the damn prodigal son, everybody kissing his ass.
Before we shine him up too much,
let's not forget how he abandoned this family.
I mean, who does that?
A sociopath who only cares about himself, that's who.
- Your daddy has got a stick up his ass something deep.
- Yeah, well, that's how Daddy is since Mama passed.
All he is is just mean all the time,
never laughing, never having fun.
- Staring off into nothing like a fuckin' Zoloft commercial.
- Well, that saddens me to hear,
but I can't say that I didn't see it coming.
Eli's a weaker man than he lets on.
- Now I don't know about weak, now.
- I don't know, Jesse.
His slaps, they don't pack the same wallop they used to.
- Baby Billy, my tooth is hurting.
- Well, put some of that cream on it.
I told you we gonna get you checked out
once we get settled here.
- What, you got yourself a cavity?
- A cavity? What you talkin' about?
Your Aunt Tiffany is a perfect ten, a Bo Derek ten.
The looks, the bod.
She got the heart, but them damn teeth,
now, they something else.
But even with them old stained, crooked things,
I still love you with all my heart.
Come in here. both: Mm.
- Yes, yes, I am the luckiest man alive.
- Like, I know I'm younger than you all,
but I'm just gonna be a regular aunt.
Okay? - Yeah.
- So y'all just call me Aunt Tiffany.
- We don't need to mess with all that.
We'll call you Tiffany, 'cause we don't like formal stuff.
- No, no, that's what I want you to call me.
- Well, come on now. - Aunt Tiffany.
- Come on. She's been real excited about becoming an aunt.
Now, for old Baby Billy, y'all just call her what she wants.
- Okay. Well, yeah.
Whatever, no big deal. Hey, Aunt Tiffany.
- [gasps] - There you go.
How'd you like that? - All of 'em do it.
- Well? Now, come on.
Say it!
all: Aunt Tiffany. - Aunt Tiffany.
- There you go. - [laughs]
- Yeah, looky there now. Thank you, thank you.
Yes.
- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
[tense music]
♪ ♪
- Eli!
Who the hell did this?
- Seasons. [grunts]
- God, everyone was so happy to see Gideon at church.
- Probably talkin' trash behind our backs.
Bunch of gossips. - I wanna have a dinner.
I wanna get together everybody that's close to Gideon.
I want him to know that he's welcome here always.
- Oh, is that what we settled on?
I wasn't aware that was the deal.
- Jesse Gemstone, our son is back in our lives.
Isn't that only thing that matters?
- Well, he brought shame to us
and continues to bring shame to us.
But, yes, sure, let's throw him a dinner.
- I mean, maybe this is the perfect thing.
Maybe this is what he needed.
Maybe he'll be serious about his faith and he'll find Jesus,
like Paul on that road to Damascus.
- But is he Paul, though?
Or is he still Saul? - He's not Saul.
- Maybe he is. Hollywood Saul?
- He's not Hollywood Saul, okay?
He's sorry. He's sorry that he ran away.
He said that, and you need to give him
another chance because that is our boy and I love him.
He's such a good boy, and I'm happy that he's home.
- You know what'd make me happy?
- What?
- If I could chuck one of these wieners in your mouth.
[Uriah Heep's "Stealin'"]
[vocalizing]
- [chuckles] - Nailed it.
- ♪ Well, there's a hundred miles of desert ♪
♪ Lies between his hide and mine ♪
♪ Running, hiding, losing, crying ♪
♪ Nothing left to say ♪
♪ But my life ♪
♪ ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ I made my break and a big mistake ♪
♪ Stealin' when I should have been buyin' ♪
♪ All that running, hiding ♪
♪ Losing, crying ♪
♪ Nothing left to say ♪
♪ But my life ♪
♪ Life ♪
♪ Life, life ♪
♪ Life, life, life, life ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Whoo ♪
♪ ♪
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! What the hell, man?
- Yeah, fuck off.
- Don't nobody wanna see that penis.
- Then quit lookin' at it.
Well, well, well.
If it ain't poor little rich boy, huh?
Sweet bike.
I bet you missed all your cool toys.
Must be nice, living in the lap
of luxury again, spending time with the fam, huh?
Where's my fuckin' money?
- In there.
It's all the valuable stuff
I could identify in my parents' house.
- Glass figurines?
What are all these numbers next to the items?
- Well that's my guess at market value, see?
- Fuckin' Mickey Mouse shit, man!
Honestly! - Scottie, don't--
There's other stuff in there, man.
- That's stuff!
I want money!
Cash!
There's a lot of it that goes into that church, man.
And I wanna taste some of that fuckin' Gemstone loot.
- We can get it, okay? We can.
But my Dad doesn't trust me right now.
He's watching me, just waiting for me to slip up.
I need more time.
- Your family owes me.
I might've lost my ability to do fight sequences.
I have to double down on stunt driving.
[dark music]
♪ ♪
Fuckin' stunt driving! - Just be patient.
The deeper I get, the more I'll have access to.
You gettin' cold feet on me?
Okay, I can wait for the big score.
[marimba music]
♪ ♪
- Music has always soothed my vicious temper.
Chad knows that.
It's good to see you back, Chad.
Chad paid the ultimate price with his body,
and I paid for his medical bills.
- Thank you.
- Thank you for keeping your fuckin' mouth shut.
Now, then, I've brought you all here
because I have made a discovery.
- Could I interrupt for a moment?
- Gregory, I said I'm talkin' here, okay?
Just a moment.
I have a gift for you all
in honor of this alliance that's grown.
Coins that I made to signify our bond.
- You made coins? - To signify the bond.
Here you go. Okay.
Judy.
- Dang, that's got some weight to it.
- Yeah, these are nice. - "We did it"?
You made coins with our names on it that says "We did it"?
And we're trying to put what happened behind us.
You can't be making fucking souvenirs about it.
No, we're not doing coins.
No goddamn coins. Gimme them coins.
Give 'em to me. Gimme the coins, God damn it.
Gregory, you're an idiot, okay?
- It's the thought that counts.
- No, it's not the thought that counts when it can get us
in fuckin' jail for committing crimes, Gregory.
Now, then, through God's infinite wisdom I have
discovered who the perpetrator of this most devious plot is.
Shit was pretty well orchestrated, if you ask me.
Footage like that of us at our most...
vulnerable state?
That can only be done by somebody super close to me.
I mean, real close.
That brings me to the third man in the van.
His face was too pixelated in the video,
so we can't obviously tell who it is from that.
But dude definitely had a slender frame.
Walked with swagger.
Maybe he's used to being onstage, you know?
Confidence, razzle dazzle, show biz.
Levi...
you're a rock-and-roll dude.
I've definitely seen you swagger around on stage.
I bet you think you're pretty cool, don't you?
- I'm all right.
- Yeah, you're all right. Grab his ass.
- [shouts] What are you doing?
What are you doing, man? - Shit, Jesse.
- You're the one who picked up the whores that night.
- No, I didn't. You did.
- All right, well, you introduced me to 'em.
Maybe you also went up to that hotel room,
hid a camera in there, huh?
Did you do that? - I didn't do that.
- You don't wanna tell me the truth?
How 'bout I stick this blade in your handsome cheek?
Get in there and just do spinnies,
making that hole bigger and bigger.
I'll bet you'll tell me the truth then, won't you?
- Yeah, Jesse. Put it in his bottom.
- You want that? No, I'm not putting nothing in his bottom.
- Just put it a little bit in his bottom.
- Tell me the truth right now, God damn it.
Did you betray me? - No, Jesse!
- Was it you? - I didn't do it!
- Hey, Dad? - What's up, huh?
- What's going on? - Help!
- Shh. - What's up?
- Um, well, I just wanted to talk,
but if I caught you at a bad time...
- No, no, no, no, no. - Help. Help.
- This ain't a bad time. - Did he say help?
- No, he's not. Just go outside.
I'll be out there in a second.
I'm just gonna finish up prayer with these guys.
- Okay.
- [heavy breathing]
- Tell me the truth right now. Did you betray me?
Are you Judas Iscariot to me?
- I told ya, I didn't do it.
♪ ♪
- I believe you.
You are forgiven from my suspicions of you.
Let him go, guys.
Levi's cool now.
He's been tested.
Don't take it personal, man. I just had to know for sure.
- That's too far. - [scoffs]
I had to be sure, man.
Hey, no hard feelings.
Everybody, Levi's cool now, all right?
- You play too much.
[gentle organ music]
- Some people pray,
and what they're really doing
is asking for things.
"Make my life better, gimme some more money.
Let me have more stuff."
But God only offers one thing:
His love.
- This is the most boring sermon
I've ever experienced in my entire life.
Let me ask you something. - Hm?
- How long you been coming to this church?
- About two years. - Well, today's your last day.
You see this? - Mm-hmm.
- It's a brand-new church. Locust Grove.
I'm the head pastor.
You know where the Sears used to be?
- Yes, sir. - Well, that's where this is.
- Okay. - I'll see you next Sunday.
- Okay.
[twangy bluegrass music]
- This damn spoon they've got for the casserole's too small.
Shit keeps falling off.
I'm gonna swap it with this pudding spoon
this idiot stuck in the gravy.
Gravy needs a ladle.
This ain't no ladle. This is a pudding spoon.
- You're taking too much. Put it back.
People are lookin' at you. - Do you think I give a damn?
Nobody eyeballing my portion servings.
Leave me alone.
- Look at 'em over there, big-timing us.
Mr. Small Time thinks he's a somebody.
Well, I'm beginning to see
why your approach hasn't been working.
You have elitist tendencies, which are not pretty.
know how to speak to the common man.
Don't say nothin'. I'm gonna do the talking.
[indistinct chatter]
- Nice to see you here, Reverend.
- I'm gonna leave this here, now.
Don't touch it.
I might come back and get some biscuits.
- All right, now.
- Brother Pastor? - Yes?
- I just wanted to introduce myself.
Baby Billy Freeman. I'm your new neighbor.
♪ ♪
I heard that you and old hombre Eli got off on the wrong foot.
To be quite honest with you, he gets on my nerves too.
- I'd appreciate if the two of you fellas
get the hell out of my church.
I got nothin' to say to you.
- Well, you sure had something to say
when you were spreading lies about us.
- I do not lie, sir.
You or one of your boys or someone from your church
came to my house with weapons, batons.
My wife was at home.
- You be careful of what you're accusing us of, Johnny Seasons.
- Maybe you should be careful.
Locust Grove's gonna be nothin' but trouble for you.
- Oh, y'all just stop. Stop intimidatin' right now.
Now, look, Pastor.
Now, the fact of the matter is we're here now.
We in that Sears, and we ain't going nowhere.
Now I--I just think that we should
all live in harmony as brothers in Christ.
Now, why can't we do that?
- What is it you're lookin' for here, Eli?
How is it I can be content in only God's love,
and that's not enough for you?
You want more, don't you?
Why is that? Why are you so hungry?
♪ ♪
[crowd gasps]
- Here.
- Come on. Why you got to do that, Eli?
Just put this--put this in your pocket, Pastor.
That ought to cover it, now. Eli?
Eli, hold up.
Excuse me. Gotta get my friend.
[somber music]
♪ ♪
- So, um...
Okay, uh...
I was thinking, while I'm home,
I would like to work with Martin.
Shadow him.
Sort of see the ins and outs of running this place.
- Was this your idea, Martin?
- It was his idea, but I have no objections if you don't.
We could use the extra hands.
[laughs]
- Why do you care so much about how this place is run?
I thought that all that mattered to you was Hollywood.
- I mean, it would just be temporary while I'm home.
- Oh, and how long's that gonna be exactly?
If I'm gonna get drilled in the ass,
I'd love to know the size of the fella's dick first.
- Jesse!
- I don't know why the hell you two are even asking me.
Sounds like you got it all figured out.
[scoffs] Maybe Martin should be your dad.
- You're being ridiculous.
- No, what's ridiculous is you coming home,
trying to act like there's nothing wrong,
not apologizing or nothin'.
[scoffs]
Just do whatever you want.
Obviously what I think doesn't matter.
Hollywood big shot.
[tense music]
♪ ♪
- Now stop acting like this ain't a big deal!
I got to live in that town, Eli!
You over there making enemies.
- I'm done talking about this, Baby Billy.
Seasons is bitter we're about to eat his lunch.
What else could we do? I got my own church to run.
Well, I had him until you threw
a damn potato through the man's window.
- Wasn't working. - You know what's not working?
You. That's what's not working.
Now, your kids are worried about you, Eli.
I'm worried about you. - What did my kids say?
- That you were a walking Zoloft commercial.
Just a sad sack. Lost all your strength.
You--you're weak.
- Oh, you come into town and instantly try
to turn my family against me?
- Your kids offered their insights freely, big boy.
And my sister's gone, you over here drowning.
- Don't talk about Aimee-Leigh.
- I'll talk about her whenever I want to.
She's my sister, Eli.
You ain't the only one that misses her, you know.
I think about that woman every single day.
- Well, you shoulda done that while she was still alive.
You're trying to cash in on her name every chance you get
and were nowhere to be found when she needed you most.
- I had my hands tied, Eli,
with that whole Christian cruise ship thing.
I was at sea.
It was impossible for me to get back here for her.
- That nonsense never got off the ground and you know it.
- Well, I-I was busy pricing vendors.
- You're a two-bit con man. - Oh, a con man?
Then why did you invite me back in the fold then, huh?
- Because I felt sorry for you.
I thought that's what Aimee-Leigh would want.
I thought helping you would make me feel better.
I was wrong.
- Well, I ain't no charity.
I'm a commodity.
I'm a known name in this industry.
You lucky to have me.
How dare you see me as less than what I am!
You less! That's what it is, you less!
- I shoulda guessed this is what would happen with you.
You haven't changed a bit.
All these years, still as pathetic as you ever were.
- P-p-pathetic? Well, how 'bout this then, huh?
How 'bout that? I quit!
How 'bout that? Who's pathetic now, huh?
- You are. - You are!
You righteous Gemstone dick!
You pathetic.
Don't call me! I'll call you!
I'm gonna pack up my shit and get out!
[overlapping chatter, laughter] - What else did he do?
- Kind of a big deal.
- He does? - We got pads.
- He makes sure that you're okay?
Tell me something else real serious--
do you pray?
- Judy, Judy, why do you put lipstick on your teeth?
- I didn't put it on my teeth, Jesse.
God dang it, BJ, you're supposed to tell me
when I have that. - No, you look--
- But usually, because of my frame,
they actually have me doubling for women a lot.
It's something they call "wigging" because I'm--
- Wait, what'd you-- what is it?
- Because of my frame, they have me doubling
for women a lot.
It's what they call "wigging"
because I'm usually wearing a wig...
[laughter] - Isn't that interesting?
- To be pretend to be a woman?
- Uh, well, to do a stunt.
- 'Cause he's very manly.
- Gideon, that is fascinating. - Thanks, Judy.
- Not that fascinating in my eyes.
- Either way, I won't be doing it much longer.
Industry's kind of cracking down.
There's been, like, a big push in the community
for women to be represented differently now,
so there goes a lot of my work. - Well, look at that.
LA's got my son sad, 'cause he can't pretend
to be a woman for money anymore, damn!
- You know, representation of marginalized peoples
is a big deal in Hollywood.
So I'm sorry for your loss of work,
but I'm glad for the progress that it shows.
'Cause if a script calls for a woman to fall off a building,
then it better be a woman pretending to be a woman
pretending to fall off a building!
I get--I just get worked up about it.
- BJ's always thinking about other people.
- You know, I might be old school, but I think that it's
boys that should be falling off buildings, not girls.
- Amen. I mean, I also think that people at the dinner table
shouldn't be talking about Hollywood Agendas.
That's my-- my personal thing as well.
- Daddy, where's Baby Billy?
Wasn't he supposed to be here tonight?
- Baby Billy went back to Freeman's Gap.
- What? - Oh.
- He ain't around here no more.
- Well, how long he gonna be gone for?
Don't he got a church to run? - Nope. He quit.
I told him he was a con man, and I think that upset him.
[chuckles]
I know nobody you all like is around here anymore.
Your mama, now Baby Billy.
Guess y'all are stuck with me, man with a stick up his ass.
Walking Zoloft commercial.
If you all got something to tell me, say it to my face.
[somber music]
♪ ♪
- Pontius, why aren't you eating your food?
- I don't like this food, okay?
- "I don't like this food."
You don't like anything, do you?
- The macaroni's dripping wet,
like someone poured water on it.
- No wonder you're getting in so much trouble at school
with that fresh mouth of yours.
Pontius is trying to go for the world record
of who can get the most detentions.
- Shut the fuck up, man.
- Come again?
- [slowly] Shut the fuck up, man.
- Get upstairs right now.
- What, you don't wanna hit me in front of everyone here?
- I didn't even say I was gonna hit you.
Throw a pity party for yourself much?
Go upstairs. Now!
- [stifles laughter]
[laughs] - Stop laughing, Judy.
It ain't funny. - Sorry, that was a hilarious--
- It's not hilarious.
Sorry you all had to see him talking to me like that.
That's just how he's been acting
since his brother decided to run away.
Actions have consequences.
Because of one son's actions,
now the other son is a total asshole.
No, thanks.
♪ ♪
- Are you crying? - No, you dumbass.
I'm just trying to get my head clear.
Y'all just come out here to make fun of me?
- Kelvin did. - Oh, yeah?
So did you. - Stop, Kelvin.
- Daddy, I'm sorry you had to see that.
I'm just trying to raise my sons in a good,
Christian home, but all my sons wanna do
is just humiliate me over and over again.
- Sons can do that.
Apparently daughters can, too,
talking trash about me to Baby Billy.
- Daddy, the only reason we talked to Baby Billy
was out of concern for you.
- Yeah, nobody wants to see you sad, Daddy.
Uncle Baby Billy was worried about you too.
- Baby Billy's a sack of shit.
He always hated me for taking your mama away from him.
- Daddy, I'll admit it.
I pretend I like Baby Billy way more than I actually do,
but everyone seems to like him so much,
so I just go with it.
- Daddy, Baby Billy might be a sack of shit,
but I don't know, Mama always taught us
we should never turn our back on family.
- Yeah, maybe you should heed that advice.
- [laughing] Ooh. Daddy's right, Jesse.
You should heed it too.
- Get your fingers out of my face.
- Anyway, I wasn't that rude to him.
I just told him stuff he already knew.
- What, that he's a con man?
- Yeah, it coulda been a lot worse.
And I didn't say anything about his wife or her teeth
or her tooth or whatever she's got going in her mouth.
[laughter] - Aunt Tiffany's mouth.
Right, Daddy?
[laughter]
- Oh, maybe I was rude. I should go apologize.
I-I should apologize.
- And my fuckin' beautiful face would've made this church
a cultural phenomenon, but not now.
No, sir.
Eli and his big-ass ego, he gets none of it,
none of it!
- Well, you're gonna show him, Baby Billy.
- Well, don't think this doesn't mean,
we ain't gonna get your teeth fixed.
'Cause we most certainly still are.
I don't care if I have to sell
every fixture in this damn place.
You, get on away from me. Get on, get on.
I don't even want you next to me.
Take mine, what I'm gonna take.
[glass shatters]
Holy shit, we got a damn invasion!
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Come on!
♪ ♪
- Rip it all up, boys. Go to town.
♪ ♪
- Whoo!
♪ ♪
- Yee-haw! - [grunts]
- Ah, we got to run for our lives.
Let's go.
- Someone's here!
Get him!
- Come on!
♪ ♪
- Baby Billy Freeman,
from the bottom of my heart, in Christ's name,
I apologize to you and your wife.
What the hell?
♪ ♪
Whoa.
We got company.
♪ ♪
- Come out, come out wherever you are.
- Marco!
- You think you can hide?
- Here, behind these children.
♪ ♪
- We know you're in here!
- Dear Heavenly Father who art in heaven.
- Bring it down, boys! [glass shatters]
- You better pray good. - Hallowed be thy name.
- [whimpers] - Thy kingdom come.
- [grunts]
- Thy will be done on Earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread
- Hey, boys. Hey, over here.
- [sing-song] I see you.
- Come on out.
♪ ♪
- Drop them bats.
[bats clatter]
- That means you, Stretch. Drop it.
All right, everybody.
You line up here. Get up against them shelves.
Down!
- Thank God, Eli. You saved us.
- Get them masks off, so we can take a peek at y'all.
- Go on, take 'em off. Take 'em off, come on.
- What were your plans tonight?
Destroy a temple of the Lord?
- Look at you. Just a couple of country thugs.
Just thuggin' around, just nobodies.
All of you, every single one of you.
Just nobodies.
Tiffany, go flag down a cop.
- No, we ain't gonna call the cops.
These men are here on behalf of Johnny Seasons.
We're gonna send 'em back to Johnny Seasons with a message.
- Tiffany, I still don't want you here for this.
Now go on down to the food court and get you a Cinnabon.
- But I don't got no money. - Well, stand by the counter.
Maybe they'll give out free samples.
Go on, now. Go, this is man's work.
What you lookin' at? - Strip off them clothes.
- Pardon me?
- You heard me, Lurch. Get naked.
- Well now--now, hold on one second, Eli.
Now, I don't know what you got in mind here, but--
- Come on, you can move faster than that.
Them panties too.
Lemme see bare bottoms.
- Let's see them balls. Come on.
- The Lord has always been on the side of the Gemstones.
- Always.
- Our enemies will suffer His almighty wrath.
You understand?
Come on. Single file.
- Single file. - Come on, ducklings.
[woman gasps]
Now, you boys run on home just like that.
And tell Johnny Seasons what happened here.
Go!
I'm sorry I was an asshole.
- I know you've been going through a lot.
- I need someone I can trust to run that church.
- Okay, Eli.
- Oh, oh, oh! Oh, my God!
[Hank Williams Jr.'s "Jesus Loved the Devil Out of Me"]
[both laugh]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Jesus loved the devil out of me ♪
♪ Jesus loved the devil out of me ♪
♪ When he took me by the hand ♪
♪ Old Satan just gave up and ran ♪
♪ Jesus loved the devil out of me ♪
♪ No will to live, my future looks so cold ♪
♪ The devil stood there waiting for my soul ♪
♪ But just before I walked into his arms ♪
♪ I prayed to him, my king of kings ♪
♪ He touched my hand ♪
♪ And saved me from all harm ♪
Come on, people!
♪ Jesus loved the devil out of me ♪
♪ When he took me by the hand ♪
♪ Old Satan just gave up and ran ♪
♪ Jesus loved the devil out of me ♪
Sing it again.
♪ Jesus loved the devil out of me ♪
♪ Yes, my Jesus loved the devil out of me ♪
♪ When he took me by the hand ♪
♪ Old Satan just... ♪
[bright tone]
♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
SATANIC WOMAN: Hey, Keith.
SATANIC MAN: What's up, Keith?
Come to sink in with us, bro?
Keith, no.
-Oh. -That was close.
Yeah, it was.
Kelvin here specializes in youth ministry.
Is there anyway you could sit down with our daughter?
-Hey! How old are you? -How old are you, bitch?
-40? -No.
-40-year-old virgin. -(SNICKERS)
So what? I made a celibacy promise, big whoop.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Recently I broke into my husband's email.
-JESSE GEMSTONE: Say what? -She broke into Chad's Yahoo.
Good lord, that is wicked.
AMBER GEMSTONE: Some of the ladies thought
they may have been hacks.
Stuff about prostitutes, and ATL?
Whatever that is.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪