[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
[Sexual Harrassment's "I Need a Freak"]
♪ In these times of hate and pain ♪
♪ We need a remedy to take us from the reign ♪
♪ I've been thinking of what I need ♪
♪ I need a freak to hold me tight ♪
♪ I need a freak every day and every night ♪
♪ ♪
Psst.
Excuse me, Judy.
Can you move your hair off my desk?
Oh, you mean my luscious fluffs?
Well, you're getting your dandruff
all over my worksheet.
You know you like it...
stud.
So long and perfume-y.
Seriously, move your hair.
[kisses]
[muffled laughter]
[ominous music]
[whispering] No!
♪ ♪
[snapping]
♪ ♪
[laughing]
[laughter]
♪ ♪
[lively music playing]
♪ ♪
[stands clattering]
Ahh!
Hi.
[grunts]
[students gasping]
Shoot!
I liked you, you fuckin' asshole!
I loved you!
♪ Praise ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Praise ♪
If I knew I could care for my family
during a terrifying and uncertain time
with just a bucket or two,
well, I would be running to my pocketbook.
Not only do Aimee-Leigh and I
want you to be safe,
the Lord wants you to be safe.
Jesus talked to me last night.
Jesus said,
"Eli, you better get them folks ready."
Y2K is real.
♪ ♪
It's coming.
And the church is gonna need help.
I agreed to talk with you
because you're from "TIME" magazine.
That's a periodical I respect.
Your church raised an enormous amount of money
by telling people that Y2K would bring the end of days.
It didn't, of course.
It was the grace of the Lord Himself
that prevented humanity from facing that disaster.
Indeed.
You seem pretty convinced it was happening.
Do you think it's unethical to scare people
and then benefit from that fearmongering?
Folks come to me
when they're trying to make sense of the world.
I just help as best I can.
So who was wrong,
Jesus or you?
[chuckles]
Amber, baby.
They love you.
You had them wrapped around your finger
at Parents' Weekend.
But this is different.
Bringing me to your mansion...
ugh, it's all so daunting.
Well, better get undaunted, baby...
'Cause one day, this crib will all be mine,
and I'm looking to have your fine ass by my side.
He cut my damn hair.
Tried to Samson my ass.
I wasn't just gonna take that.
You tell your teacher or your principal.
You stay out of it.
You don't act like a lunatic.
That's right.
Tell me about it.
I bring my "say, say, my baby" all the way here
to get to know my family,
and we are instantly dealing with
all this "he said, she said" bullshit.
Suck my dick, Jesse.
You suck mine, Judy.
I want a meal, boy.
Not no snack.
[laughs] That was good.
She's saying that you have a tiny little titi.
Fuck off, Kelvin.
At least I got a titi.
Not a tiny little doll pecker like you.
[blows raspberry]
Not even any hairs or nothing.
Enough!
We have a guest.
Boy, this is not the impression we want to give you, Amber.
My apologies.
It's a blessing to have you with us.
Where are you from, sweetheart?
Uh, Kentucky. [chuckles]
Just a small little town.
Is that human hair, Country?
You wearing a horse hair wig?
Um, it's...[chuckles]
Real hair.
Not a wig.
Oh.
Judy, why don't you slide
this chicken-fried steak with gravy
right up your ass?
I wasn't trying to be mean.
She's from the country, so I called her Country.
All the best girls are country girls.
Isn't that right, darling?
Don't you know it.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the girl from the Wendy's sign.
Y'all got running water where you're from?
Of course we do.
Well, I don't know your life.
[scoffs] Look at you.
Just regular-ass shopping mall clothes.
Your pants are nice.
Well, take a good look.
[tense music]
'Cause you couldn't afford this
if you sucked every dick
in the hills and hollers of Kentucky.
What is your problem?
I just know what you're up to.
[exhales sharply]
Impoverished girl with big dreams,
chasing all the riches and gold.
That is not what's happening here.
Jesse means a lot to me.
I call bull.
You don't love Jesse.
He's a fucking clown.
When you look at his dumb face,
instead of seeing eyes and noses and shit,
you see your ticket out of the sticks.
You are very rude!
[laughs]
And you have no idea what you're talking about.
[snapping]
Where you going, Wendy's?
I thought we were doing girl talks.
[door slams]
[footsteps receding]
[devious music]
♪ ♪
[lively fiddle music playing]
♪ ♪
[snake rattling]
It's our faith!
Our faith that protects us!
You said it! Yes!
Be not afraid,
for I am Daniel in the lion's den!
Amen! [all cheering]
[coins jangling] All right.
We'll see you next week. - Yeah, you too.
- Yes, ma'am. - Oh, good to see you.
- Good to see you. - All right.
Thanks so much for coming. - Thank you.
- Oh, sir. Hey. - Hi, Tom.
That's lovely. - Thank you very much.
Oh, what a sweetheart.
- Thanks for coming. - Thank you.
You guys are on donuts next week.
J1013 AM, Christian Talk,
mixing it up with the biggest names in faith.
Now back to the Skip Arness Show.
You hear the latest from the Gemstones?
Their church made a mint off the Y2K scare.
Millions.
Attendance is down for the first time
in their history,
and people are protesting outside their church.
[laughs] They deserve every criticism.
Did Uncle Eli do something wrong?
Well, your uncle was raised better,
but he's always been greedy when it comes to money.
Y'all know that.
Yes, ma'am.
I want to be rich like Uncle Eli when I grow up.
[slap]
Don't you ever say that again.
It is not something to aspire to.
You aspire to be good and wise like your daddy.
Right, Peter?
He's just a kid talking, May-May.
Dummy.
I--I was just kidding, Mama.
I love being poor.
[slap]
I still don't like that y'all got him buried out here.
It's a long drive for us.
Now whenever I want to spend time with Daddy,
I gotta get through your security guards.
There wasn't no more room left where Mama's resting.
I thought about bringing her here to put with him.
Oh, that's sweet.
Then you can just have 'em all, can't you, Eli?
Well, we can just have security
just flag y'all right on through
any time you want to come by.
Our home is your home.
Well, we appreciate that.
We don't usually have no problem getting in.
I made some sandwiches for the boys.
Might as well eat 'em before we go.
Well, you all are welcome to stay as long as you want to.
Okay.
[hard rock music]
♪ ♪
Nobody shit their pants,
but check out my newest toy.
♪ Redeemer ♪
♪ ♪
My Lord.
Holy moly.
Coke white.
This is yours?
Ah, basically mine.
I mean, technically, it belongs to the church.
But all I gotta do is use it in a sermon,
and then I can drive it whenever I want.
Can I drive it?
Hell no.
But I'd be happy to let you watch me smash some shit.
[upbeat country music]
♪ ♪
♪ Heaven ♪
♪ This must be heaven ♪
[crashing]
[indistinct shouting]
♪ Oh, me, oh, my ♪
♪ This must be heaven ♪
♪ Heaven can wait, I've got a date ♪
[revving, crashing]
[screaming, cheering]
[crashing]
♪ Higher and higher, people are talking ♪
- Yeah! - Go!
♪ Heaven can wait ♪
♪ Heaven, heaven ♪
♪ This must be heaven ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Oh my, take a look at those eyes ♪
♪ This must be heaven ♪
Hey, you know, I saw y'all on the news.
They were saying you conned everyone
with that Y2K nonsense.
[laughs] I don't know what kind of idiot
would have bought into that.
I mean, when the world ends, it will be because
the Lord has decided it's time,
not because of some computer malfunctions.
I never bought it for a minute.
Well, I'm just relieved it didn't happen.
That's all I keep thinking about.
Just counting our lucky stars.
Would have been a real nightmare.
Lord changed His mind, I suppose.
Or people just made it up to make money off it.
I mean, that's what the news is saying y'all did.
Ooh, it's times like these
I sure am glad my last name is Montgomery.
The way people would look at me
if my last name was still Gemstone...
no, thank you.
[laughs]
You know, I need a refill.
Peter, run out to the car and get me
that two-liter bottle of Fresca.
Oh, we got plenty of cold pop
inside in the refrigerator, May-May.
Uh, Sprite, I think.
No, I don't want Sprite. I like Fresca.
Peter. - Sprite or--
Car.
Run. - Yep.
Say, say, my baby.
[grunts]
I got the Sega Saturn.
Have you played it?
Mama don't let us play video games.
She says the devil's in 'em.
Inside video games?
Yep.
Just like movies, music, dancing,
cartoons, and Halloween.
We ain't allowed to do nothin',
except maybe go huntin', make some traps, catch food.
Not like you guys.
Y'all get to do everything fun.
Yeah, your parents suck.
They're strict as hell.
I couldn't survive under your roof.
I need my "TRL."
I can relate, Judy.
My grandma's real strict.
Never let any boys call the house or nothing.
Oh, you had so many boys calling the house
'cause of your gorgeous red hair?
Okay, Raggedy Ann.
Surprised they even have phones in the village you come from.
She don't come from no damn village, Judy.
Stop making fun of people for being from poverty.
Chuck and Karl are dirt poor.
It's rude.
Jesse, I'm so sick of you
showing out for your girlfriend.
Y'all don't make a good couple.
Behind your back, we're all laughing
at what a bad couple you actually are.
Hardy-har-har, dummy.
Why don't you go fuck yourself, Judy?
[high-pitched shriek]
What?
It's a sin to swear, Jesse.
No shit, Karl.
Watch me load up some more.
Judy, you wish you had a fuckin' boyfriend.
Don't be jealous 'cause somebody actually likes me
besides my own parents, unlike you.
No one likes your ass.
[soft music]
[grunts]
[screams]
♪ ♪
[can opens]
Hey, Peter.
Come on in.
[breathing deeply]
[grunts]
[sighs]
I'm in a bit of a pinch, Eli.
Is that so?
Yeah.
I got a damn warehouse full of Y2K buckets,
and nobody wants 'em.
Yes.
The only downside to society not collapsing.
[laughs]
I'm in over my head, Eli.
I told you not to buy more than you could afford.
You also told me that the world was gonna end.
It ain't my fault things changed.
I got no control over that.
Liquidate 'em.
Repackage 'em as camping supplies or somethin'.
Hell, if I could count the amount
of bad business investments I've made in my life,
we'd be here all day.
It's the nature of the beast.
You win some, you lose some.
Yeah.
Well, I lost a lot.
[sighs]
25 grand.
That's a lot of money for my family.
That's everything we had in savings.
[sighs]
Damn, Peter.
Why would you invest all your savings?
'Cause I trusted you.
I wanted to do what you were doing.
May-May is gonna kill me.
She's gonna kill me because we're broke.
She's gonna kill me 'cause I didn't tell her.
She's gonna kill you 'cause you did it with me.
♪ ♪
I've never asked you for money.
♪ ♪
I don't know what else to do.
♪ ♪
I could lose the house.
How about I buy your stock back?
♪ ♪
[sighing]
♪ ♪
I don't know what to say.
[sighs]
I just got so greedy.
You thought you were helping your family.
♪ ♪
I thought we were coming to the end of times.
♪ ♪
Did you really believe that too, Eli?
You think I'm just out there lying to people?
[shouting and clamoring]
Take us in through the service entrance, Walker.
We can drive right in through the loading bay.
You got it, Dr. Gemstone.
all: Where's my money? Where's my money?
♪ Redeemer ♪
[horn honking]
♪ Redeemer ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Redeemer ♪
Whoo!
♪ ♪
♪ Redeemer, redeemer ♪
That's the coolest thing ever!
And that is what you call a moist-maker.
My monster truck is the fucking tits.
Jesse, have you seen my ring?
Your ring?
My grandma gave it to me.
I wear it all the time.
I must have misplaced it.
When things go missing in this house,
it's usually one person responsible.
Who?
Judy.
You think Judy stole Amber's ring?
I don't know.
She's been stealing a bunch of stuff lately.
I went to the mall with her a few weeks ago.
I hate going to places with Judy.
Especially the shopping mall.
She steals music.
[upbeat music]
She shoplifts fancy fashions...
♪ ♪
Tiny trinkets...
♪ ♪
And some other stuff that I don't even know what it is.
♪ ♪
She threatened to cut my privates off
if I told Mama and Daddy.
[sobbing]
Judy will do it.
I know she will!
That bitch could steal from all the malls in America.
But steal from my woman, my queen,
my "say, say, my baby"?
She's gone one step too fuckin' far.
♪ ♪
We live in a world where material things...
Wealth, status...
it means something, don't it?
Mm. Amen.
That stuff don't mean nothin' to the Lord.
So why does it mean so much to us?
I think I know why.
Because of the people we love.
That's why.
It can be hard seeing others thriving,
living a life of wealth, comfort,
while you watch your own family,
your own children,
not able to live in the same way,
not given the same opportunities.
Oh, maybe we don't need those things.
But it can be hard not to feel like
you're letting down the ones that mean...
[clears throat]
That mean the most to you when you got nothin'.
Yeah.
You know what I'm sayin'?
[laughs]
- Amen. - Amen.
You changed up the sermon today.
I thought you were gonna be preaching about outreach.
Instead, you were talking about wealth.
Well, the message seemed important.
You've been acting funny lately, Peter.
The boys have noticed it.
Haven't you, boys?
Yeah, maybe a little.
[muffled] A bit quieter than usual.
Don't talk with your mouth full.
Peter, are you crying?
I made a mistake.
I made a bad investment.
Investment?
[sobs]
You tricked him.
You've been pulling this stuff since we was kids.
No, he--he didn't trick me none, May-May.
You're a fool, Peter.
Eli did this on purpose to punish me.
For what? What did I ever do to you, Eli?
You need to calm down, May-May.
- What? - I'm trying to help you all.
I'm the one that's gonna get stuck with all the overstock.
Over--overstock?
You think you're damn Sears Roebuck,
talking my husband into investing
what little we have into nonsense.
Complete nonsense.
That was the boys' college money.
He's gonna buy it back.
We're not gonna lose anything, May-May.
Eli's gonna help.
- No. No, no, no. - And he--
We're not taking a penny from you and your damn wife.
That money is evil.
It rotted your family.
I will not have it rotting mine!
We have to!
If we don't...
I could lose the house.
[sobbing]
I'm sorry.
Let us help, May-May.
We're family.
Don't you dare.
Don't you dare make me think you're doing us any favors.
You stand there in your pretty dresses,
singing your little songs,
pretending you don't know what's going on.
But I see right through you.
You enable his behavior.
You promote it.
You and your whole damn family!
You got the devil in you.
You're about to see him
if you don't get the hell out of my house.
Talk to my wife like that!
I look in your ugly face, and I think to myself,
I may be poor, but at least I got principles.
Shove your principles up your ass.
Ugh!
You're letting your kids go hungry
to prove a point, you dumb bag!
Thanks, Peter. - Yep.
[door closes]
♪ I'll be bouncing like a ball ♪
♪ When I say yes, y'all ♪
♪ If you don't rock with me, you won't rock at all ♪
♪ So check me out without no doubt ♪
♪ I'm guaranteed to rock and turn the party out ♪
[Morcheeba's "In the Hands of the Gods"]
♪ ♪
[soft piano music playing]
It's the way May-May has always been.
Always trying to make me out like I'm bad,
even since we was kids.
Now I gotta bail her husband out,
and I'm still somehow gonna be the bad guy.
♪ ♪
I just feel so ashamed, Eli.
I don't like being seen as dishonest,
and I feel like what we did was dishonest.
Not just you.
Me too.
Dishonest is a strong word.
I never believed it was really gonna happen.
Did you?
No.
[clears throat]
I mean, I guess I romanticized
the idea at first.
You know, not civilization ending,
but going back to a simpler way of life.
Worshipping God the old-fashioned way.
Raising our kids without the trappings
of all this wealth.
Sometimes I think that's the best idea for our family.
Growing up poor ain't all it's cracked up to be.
[somber music]
I think, no matter what you do,
you're gonna end up with kids
who don't listen to a word you say.
It ain't that way with May-May and Peter's kids.
You don't hear them mouthing off.
You don't see 'em smiling, neither.
They're scared.
They're afraid to speak.
You think I got heavy hands?
Whew!
I guarantee May-May smacks the shit out of 'em.
That's the way Daddy raised us.
Well, our kids ain't scared to speak, that's for sure.
No, they're not.
It's 'cause I only smacked 'em
half the time I felt the urge to.
[laughs]
Oh, Eli, I know they're spoiled.
But did we ruin 'em?
I wouldn't say ruined.
There's still hope.
Even for Judy?
Even for Judy.
She's just got some minor undiagnosed mental problems.
Nothing a rubber room won't fix.
[both laughing]
For her or us?
[both laughing]
[sighs]
Oh, she's a mess.
She is somethin' else.
[soft piano music playing]
♪ ♪
All right, get up.
I know we've knocked each other around,
but I've never hit you back.
But if you don't cough up Amber's ring,
we're gonna fight for real.
Understand my words?
[laughs]
Ooh!
I know you're not sleeping, Judy.
Stop playin'.
I ain't playin' like I'm sleeping, Jesse.
You're saying that. I'm just fuckin' laying here.
Well, face me!
I'm tryin' to have a fuckin' hardcore come-to-Jesus talk
with you right now, and you're being very rude
with your body positioning to me.
[grunting]
[crying]
[grunts]
Why are you cryin'?
Are Mama and Daddy putting you up for adoption?
Can you just leave me alone?
[sighs]
Did you steal Amber's ring?
She left it.
Finders keepers.
Well, her grandma, who is a dead person now,
gave it to her.
So you're not finders-keeping it.
It's trash anyway.
Not worth nothin'.
How do you know that?
I know because I took it to the pawn shop,
and Mars-Eye Larry said it ain't shit.
[scoffs] Jesus, Judy.
What is wrong with you?
I don't know, Jesse.
Wish I did.
[crying]
I've just been getting so bored here.
You're gone.
I'm stuck with baby dick Kelvin all the time.
And I just--
I get real excited sometimes.
I--I want to do things my own way.
And--and when it feels like my own way ain't workin'
or I'm startin' to look bad, somethin' goes off in me.
It--it just feels warm.
My ears get hot.
I figure, fuck it.
They want it.
Let's give 'em some.
Word.
My motor runs hot too.
It's that Gemstone temper we both got.
We get it from Daddy.
Kelvin is more like Mama that way.
He handles things more like a girl does.
Just "sensitivitively" and stuff.
But you, you're more like me.
You handle things like most men do.
Just you know, fuckin' mash everything.
[soft music]
I think it's actually kind of cool.
You don't think that makes it so people don't like me?
Weaks and wieners don't like you, Judy.
But who needs them?
♪ ♪
[sniffles]
The dreamboat who cut my hair, Trent...
♪ ♪
I liked him a lot, and he didn't like me back.
Made me feel so embarrassed.
Made me feel dumb for even trying.
Like, who is gonna like me?
♪ ♪
Someone will, all right?
God will make sure.
Just like he did for Mama and Daddy
and me and Amber.
No, Jesse.
You and Amber are not the same thing
as Mama and Daddy.
We're one true loves, bitch.
Ugh. Quit makin' me hurl, boy.
[both chuckling]
[shouting and clamoring]
Why the hell are they still out there?
Can't we have 'em removed?
Legally, we can,
but uh, it wouldn't look good.
They are members of the church, after all.
[sighs]
What do I do?
I suggest you talk to them.
Mm...
Yes.
[groans]
Whoever it is, come on out.
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat music]
[laughs]
♪ ♪
'Sup, Country?
Jesse said you were lookin' for a ring or somethin'?
Yes.
It went missin'.
Judy, my grandma raised me--
Yeah, yeah. I don't really care.
Is this it?
Found it in the toilet.
Yes.
It is.
How do I know for sure?
You could just be saying it's yours
'cause it looks like it's worth a bunch of money.
There's a tiny cross engraved on the underneath.
♪ ♪
Well...
what do you know?
♪ ♪
I actually do like your hair.
I wasn't making fun
when I was asking if it was real.
Oh.
Well, thank you, Judy.
Sweet. Sweet.
Don't get a big head about it, though.
[door screeching]
[tense music]
♪ ♪
[shouting and clamoring]
You crook!
You ripped people off!
How much money did you make swindling people,
Dr. Gemstone?
I never, never swindled nobody.
[scoffs]
Hey, if you all want to have a discussion,
I'm all ears.
If you're gonna cast aspersions,
I'll just go back inside.
Through God's grace,
we are not living in the dystopian world
that Y2K threatened us with.
Prayers and the Lord our Savior
have kept us safe once again.
My predictions were wrong.
I was wrong.
[peppy band music playing]
♪ ♪
The Lord sees all,
and we will answer to all of our sins.
That's just the way it goes.
You Trent?
Uh, yeah.
Who are you, Darkman?
[cymbal clangs] [students gasping]
[grunting]
♪ ♪
[buzzing]
[laughter]
[groaning]
♪ ♪
[smack]
[laughter]
It's hard to admit you were wrong.
But I'll do it, because the Lord knows,
so what's the point in hiding?
You think I'm more afraid of you than I am of Him?
The world didn't end.
If this church raised money
when people thought the world was going to end,
it's because they wanted God.
Well, I'm standing here, giving Him to you.
That's bullshit.
How are we supposed to believe you?
We will not lose sight of our mission,
and our mission is to serve you in a way
that is befitting of the Lord.
Put down your signs
and come back and worship with us.
♪ ♪
We are not your enemy.
We love you.
And we want to help you see the light in our savior.
♪ ♪
That is our purpose,
making sure we take as many souls with us
to those pearly gates as we possibly can.
Amen?
Amen.
♪ ♪
Put the gun down!
[gunshots]
[alarm blaring]
[people screaming]
- Who's that? - Run!
What's going on out there?
- What is happening out-- - Hold it!
Hold it there!
[gunshot]
What the hell is going on?
- I don't know. - Stay there!
[gunshots]
[glass shattering] [people screaming]
["Every Christian Lion Hearted Man Will Show You"]
♪ Oh solo Domini ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Oh solo Domini ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Oh solo Domini ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Oh solo Domini ♪
[siren wailing]
♪ ♪
♪ Take this in hand ♪
♪ Said he who stands ♪
♪ Behind the chair ♪
♪ A broken table there ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Every Christian lion-hearted man ♪
♪ Will show you ♪
♪ Every Christian lion-hearted man ♪
♪ Will show you ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Oh solo Domini ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Don't walk so tall ♪
♪ Before you crawl ♪
♪ For every child ♪
♪ Is thinking of something wild ♪
♪ Every Christian lion-hearted man ♪
♪ Will show you ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Oh solo Domini ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Oh solo Domini ♪
[bright tone]