COUGHING
Well, can you stop that?
Well, I've got a cold, Bob.
I haven't just got A cold.
I mean, I have got THE cold. Do you know what I mean?
And are you going to go on about it all day? Yeah?
I'm going to be milking it endlessly, yeah.
Hold up a minute, what are you doing?
Bob, what are you doing? You've got....
Well, I've got to park, haven't I?
Well, you've just parked in a field!
That cold's...that cold's making you insane!
You're the insane one, parking an executive vehicle in a field!
I park where I want.
Come on. Let's fish, Paul!
WATER GURGLES
Come on, Bobby.
Oh, Ted's keen. He's gambolling, isn't he, really?
Nice river! Beautiful river. Look at it.
This is the River Frome. You'd call it the "Froam".
And I'll continue to call it the "Froam".
I know you're going to... You are going to do that
the whole time, aren't you?
It looks like a chalk stream, Paul.
Well, Sherlock, that's because it is.
Have you ever called anyone Sherlock like that?
No, but you just have. Yeah, I know.
And you'll have to live with it. You'll have to live with that!
There's some very big grayling in this river.
Yeah. Trout as well, I imagine?
Some big trout in here as well, yeah. Absolutely beautiful.
I love the flatness of it and its gentle flow.
Yeah. That's how I like to view my life now.
Just gently flowing. Gently flowing.
Yeah. Not rushing whither and hither. Hey, so, Paul... Yeah?
You're incredibly equipped. Is this because of your cold?
This little rag here?
Is that to wipe your...? I wasn't going to mention my cold any more.
You're overequipped, Paul. Look at me. Svelte.
Oh, nothing there, is there? Yeah.
Twixt ear and ear!
Come on, we're going to go in and have a few casts, all right?
Like a wildebeest careering in!
Are you safe behind me there, Bob?
Yeah.
It's a lovely bend in the river just up there.
Yeah. Isn't it beautiful?
Oh, yeah. It is gorgeous.
Why is it so evocative, Paul?
Is it because you don't know what's around the corner?
Yes, I'm sure it's that, isn't it?
But there's also something about the movement of it as well.
Imagine if a monster came round there.
You see, you just don't know, do you?
Well, you know, I wouldn't want that, really.
Or a baby, but it's rowing.
PAUL LAUGHS Ah, a rowing baby!
Hey, Teddy!
Oh, he's rolling around in dirt.
Oh, look at him.
Ted, you dirty, dirty dog!
"Oh, shut it!"
I'm not really enjoying my casting here.
Should we...? Try another, better spot? Yeah.
I know we're grayling fishing, Paul,
but a big wild brown trout, a big one,
that would be something, wouldn't it?
I mean, I thought I did see a grayling earlier, Bob.
But it might have been my mind playing tricks with me.
Yeah.
I haven't really had anything here that I...
No. I bought a new dishwasher last week, Paul.
PAUL LAUGHS Did you?
You're not interested? Not really, no.
What if I was to tell you this?
Ten seconds after the cycle's finished... Yeah.
..it flicks the door open automatically.
Beginning to get interested?
I mean, it's never been that much of a struggle for me to open
the dishwasher door, Bob, but... THEY CHUCKLE
Now, that is a good cast.
Come on!
Well...
..there's not much doing here, is there?
Cup of tea... Yeah. ..is on its way.
Is it a medicinal tea?
Well, it's always a bit medicinal, a cuppa, isn't it?
It is, isn't it? Yeah. Puts a skip in me...
What is it, a skip in your...? Skip in your step.
I'd like to see you skip.
I can forward roll.
Can you? I can, well... Is it worth it, though, Bob?
There you go. Is there sugar? Yeah.
Oh, give us a chance! Do you know what, Paul?
You are suffering from irritable male syndrome,
which is a real thing. Oh, what, grumpy old men?
Well, I suppose, yeah. Well, you're becoming one.
I tell you, I am. It's very difficult, isn't it, not to be...
Good shot.
..uh, Meldrew. Isn't it?
I saw it in a newspaper.
What are the symptoms of irritable male syndrome?
Problems holding a conversation,
often stopping in the middle of a sentence,
forgetting what they were saying.
Sudden personality changes such as becoming angry,
irritable, and defensive.
Will you shut up! I can't think!
Paul, this is you.
Honestly, this is you.
Your face even looks a bit grumpy.
Why are you giving me another cup of tea?
I'm showing you my tea. Oh, wow!
THEY LAUGH
Oh, yours looks much better than mine! Yeah.
A backward roll or a forward roll?
Which one do you want me to do?
Do not attempt a backward roll, Bob.
Because? I don't really... Well, cos you'll break your back.
If I try a backwards one, will you try a forward one?
Mm. I think both things are really bad choices.
You introduced them! I did not!
Didn't you? You said, "I can do a forward roll," like that.
Go on.
HE INHALES
HE GROANS
Nearly!
Don't do it, Bob!
No.
It got a bit diagonal, didn't it? Yeah, it went sideways, mate.
Don't do a backward roll, though. You'll break the fishing rod.
No, I'm doing a forward roll. Oh, right. OK, go on, then.
Right, watch. Your legs nice and wide apart, yeah?
Forehead onto the ground.
Yep.
Don't do it, Bob.
Oh! Hey!
Voila! That was quite majestic.
I'm quite pleased about that. That was good. That was very good.
Probably be the last one I've ever done. Yeah.
Right, shall we go fishing? Yeah.
THEY LAUGH
What would you mark that forward roll at?
I thought it was an excellent... Give it an eight, you know.
Well, well. Thank you.
Because you emerged quite gracefully from it. I was surprised.
I love these birds. They're incredible.
These swallows and swifts.
Look at them. Look! All round us.
That's it, see?
Do you think it's a bit low?
Oh! He's in.
I'm in. You are. Nice, Bob.
Well done. Right, easy now.
Don't wind when you don't need to, all right?
Yeah. What do you think it is?
A little... Oh, is it a little?
I don't think it's that little, Bob.
THEY LAUGH
It's a trout, I think.
Yeah. It's a nice-sized big trout. It's a good trout, yeah.
No! Argh!
Yes! Yes!
Wahey! Wow!
That's a beauty, Bob, look. Look at his pink flanks.
And that blue sheen, look.
Look at him, Paul. He's a beauty.
I love this little steel blue bit. Yeah, the steel blue.
Wow!
Let's let him go. Let him go. Come on, then.
And away!
Well, that was a bit exciting, wasn't it?
Well, that's our first one. Oh, well done, Bobby!
Yeah, I know. I'm pleased with that. Not a grayling, but well done.
I thought it was a grayling, just for a few...
Yeah. ..few pulls. Very hard-fighting fish.
Yeah, wasn't it? Yeah.
Right, you're doing very well, Bobby.
You stay there, and I'll have a few casts from the bank.
Whoa!
Aerial battle to the death!
Yep. Arghhhh!
Oh!
Good fish. Oh, man. Awww!
Oh, I think he could have been a grayling as well, you know.
Don't tell me that, Paul.
Honestly. It's hard to say, but I just...
I don't know.
Got a swan coming. Big lad.
Oh, yeah. Aggressive as well.
Yeah, he's looking a bit lairy, isn't he? Got his hackles up.
Or she. Probably a he, the way he's coming at us.
PAUL CHUCKLES
Well, I'm annoyed with myself, Robert.
Come and join me, Paul, and I'll talk you down.
Oh, that would be nice. You give me some counselling?
Yeah.
That sawn bottled out pretty quickly, didn't it?
Yeah.
He saw Mortimer.
Come and tell me about the fish. Come on.
Well, I'll just feel a bit stupid, really, Bob. What happened?
Talk me through it. What actually happened?
Ineptitude on my part, perhaps, Bob.
You know like you never think anything is your fault, do you?
Well, I'd like you to give me an example of something
that's been my fault. Uh... Ahem!
Now I'm thinking about it, you might be right!
What, are you giving it to me? Yeah, have a go. OK.
I'd like you to get one. Ah. Oh, Bob, I'm an idiot.
I mean, I'm always saying it,
but you know that thing sort of saying...
it's not a particular day, there's nothing particular going on.
Yeah? A bit of friendship, some beautiful sunshine and that.
It's just an ordinary day.
But you have to say to yourself, these are the great days.
PAUL CHUCKLES
Well, it's funny you should say that. I had a conversation
with one of my girls recently, and we just decided, actually,
what you have to do is celebrate little moments like...
Oh, look. Look at that mayfly going off.
And we're watching it flutter off to procreate,
unless a swift gets it. Yes. And that's...
So that's a little moment, isn't it? Yeah.
There's a little leaf dropping. Yeah. Yeah.
I tell you what we can celebrate, Bob. Yeah?
Not that cast! No, leave it. Ooh! Oh, sorry. Sorry, sorry.
You liked it where it landed? No.
How about the sound of this water? The sound is beautiful, isn't it?
Isn't it? Nature's soundtrack. Yeah.
Remix that as many times as you want, you'll never get it better.
Calvin Harris! Yeah!
Cor, you'd would have expected a take by now, wouldn't you, Bob?
You really would have. Yeah.
We've got to go to the accommodation.
OK, mate. Um, is it a nice one?
Oh, it's a cracker.
Is it really?
I'm going to put my head on the block and say
I think it might be the best accommodation we've ever stayed in.
Really? Yeah, really.
I ain't kidding you, Paul. I'm not having you on.
Bob, I'm sorry I let you down with a big grayling again.
I mean, you nearly got one, Paul, you reckon? Yeah?
Yeah. Oh, I'm absolutely sure it was a grayling.
It twisted like grayling do.
Now, Paul, you're getting very near to the accommodation. Oh.
And I really like this one, Paul.
What is this you've brought me to?! Hee-hee-hee! Your Excellency!
Yeah. That's how it makes you feel, isn't it? Yeah.
And even better, it's got direct access to Chesil Beach.
This is incredible, Bob! What a place!
It's a yellow house!
I've always wanted to stay in a yellow house!
THEY LAUGH
It's this way, Paul. Eh?
We're in Short House, not yellow house. Come on.
You can't tempt me with a yellow house!
Yeah, well, I made the booking, so it's Short House!
Ooh! Oh, yeah. Nice, Bob.
Choose a bedroom! Choose a bedroom!
This is a nice one. "En-su-ite" as well, look!
Yeah. Lovely. Are you going to take this one?
Yeah, I'll have this one. Is that all right? OK.
Ah!
Yeah, you've got the best one. Have I? Yeah.
It's not en-suite, the other one. Oh, no. Do you want to swap?
Well, you could swap. You could...
No. No.
PAUL CHUCKLES
Well done, me. Well done, me!
Your beer, sire!
Thank you, Paul.
What do you want to do tonight? Uh...
Ted wants to watch Kung Fu Hustle.
What, again, Ted?!
How many times have you watched that?
"Oh, I love it. Every time, I see something different."
I don't want to watch Kung Fu Hustle again, Bob.
All right. Sorry, Ted.
Would you like to play the What Fruit game?
Oh, yeah. Go on, then. What is it?
Um.... Well, I've got some fruits here, yeah?
But are you willing to be blindfolded?
All right. Yeah, yeah.
Do you want to put that on, then, Paul?
I don't really, but I will.
I hope you look amusing.
BOB LAUGHS
That is ideal for Guess The Fruit!
I'm ready to play. Yeah. Get it in your hand.
What is it? Not by feel! Put it... Eat it.
What do you mean, "not by feel, you should put it in your hand?"
BOB LAUGHS
Well, it's an apple, obviously. Yeah, well, tell me...
Red. Go red? HE LAUGHS
Was it?
Yes!
Next one.
HE LAUGHS
Really?
BOB LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY
Green apple?
Green apple! Is it? There you go, yeah.
Blimey, I'm good at this, aren't I? Next one, Paul.
Fruit me! Come on. Yeah, all right.
I'm just having a bit of trouble getting it out of the bag.
Yeah, in your mouth. It's a pear, is it?
Maybe.
Oh!
That's an onion!
You vegetabled me!
Yeah, well done, Paul. You win, you win Guess The Fruit!
I don't think I do, though, do I?
What a treat for you, Bobby!
There you are, Bob. A nice cup of tea. Thank you, boss.
Have you sugared it? Yeah, I've put 11 sugars in.
No, you didn't. You wouldn't do that to me.
I've put a few in!
See the bunny rabbits there?
Oh, little wabbits! Yeah.
Oh, you scared them off,
your bloody face first thing in the morning!
Did you sleep well? Yeah, not bad, Bob. You?
Yeah, good. It's going to be a good day.
Spot on. It is, isn't it? Maybe we get that grayling.
The elusive big grayling, eh, Bob? Yeah.
Come on, let's go back to that beautiful chalk stream.
Yeah, but isn't this a nice cup of tea?
It's a cracker, yeah. A really good one, isn't it? I know.
I'm going to have a fried egg with it, I think, actually.
I haven't eaten. What, in the tea?
Yeah! BOB LAUGHS
So the menu today has got to run something like, "Go to Frome."
Yes. "Catch big grayling. Return." Yes.
And let's have a fish in the sea.
That'd be nice, wouldn't it?
Hey, I'm in a little lost world, Bob!
Amazing, isn't it? Yeah.
Can you see any fish?
No. Oh.
Come on. Oh, I just scared a fish off!
Oh! Damn!
It's just up there. Right. Come on.
How do you feel, deep down? When I'm not with you... Yeah.
..and you're gossiping about the fishing,
my lack of ability frustrates you.
I know, I always big you up, Bob.
I always say you've got quite a...
Well, I always say you've got very clever,
much cleverer than you let on.
Right?
And that you've got a good fishing instinct.
That sounds like something you say to a child!
"No, you've got a really... You've got really good instincts."
Oh, bloody hell. "You can't fish...."
You can't win with you, can you?
Huh? Can't win, can you, with you!
THEY CHUCKLE
GRASSES RUSTLE
This is tricky, tricky fishing.
There's one there, Paul, where you are. Hmm?
Did you see that little cut where the bank goes in?
That's it.
Come on!
Didn't want it, yeah?
Thought we'd have got one there, didn't you, Bob? Yeah.
You reckon this bit's done, Paul, yeah? I think so, Bob.
Slightly disappointed because it's a lovely little run, isn't it?
Yeah, it's beautiful. Should we knock it on the head?
Yeah. We'll have a nice drink. Cold drink.
All right, mate. Lovely. Thank you.
Ready? One, two, three, hup!
Yeah, you're up. Yeah. Nice one.
That wasn't the action of a pensioner, was it?
That was nice watching that, Paul. Well done.
You still haven't used your little hanky.
What is that for?
It's for wiping away my tears... Oh, your tears?
..when I don't catch a fish. Yeah.
Never mind, Paul. I've got iced lemon tea.
Cheers. Cheer me up.
Ooh, it's nice, actually.
It is nice, isn't it? Mm.
Some people have a bit of apple with it.
Would you like a bit of apple?
Can you break that in half like you did on Would I Lie To You?
Yeah. Go on, then.
You must have very powerful digits, Bob, is all I can say!
HE PUFFS
Get your pulse right. Come on, then.
I wonder what your blood pressure is?! It's going to do it!
Is it going to go? Yep.
Whoa! Wait a minute.
That's extraordinary! You did it! Isn't it?
Hold that a minute.
Le clunch.
It's a ripped apple!
Come on, Paul. We ain't going to top that!
Come on, let's pack up and get back to the beach.
I'm pinning my hopes on the mackerel off the beach.
Off Chesil Beach, yeah? Yeah?
Imagine, we could cook a mackerel on the beach.
Yeah. That's what Chris Rea would do, wouldn't he?
He'd cook it on the beach! PAUL CHUCKLES
Ah! Grab a rod. Follow me.
Ted! Teddy, come on! Come on, darling.
You're so ungrateful.
It's Monte Carlo or nothing with you these days, isn't it?
Come on, Ted, we go fishy! Come on.
Just going to start without you, because if nobody's fishing,
nobody's catching.
I like your attitude. Go get 'em.
PAUL CHUCKLES
The old man and the sea!
Do you just leave it?
No. You switch it back. And wind.
Bob, wind! I am winding!
DO wind!
You just get so many mixed messages from you!
PAUL CHUCKLES
You don't go too far out, Bob.
Shelves off pretty quick.
It's blinking freezing and all.
In, in, in, in! No!
In, in, in! No! In, in, in!
In!
No! Bob, I haven't even got my waders on!
BOB LAUGHS No!
Wow!
Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
What is that? A gurnard.
Bernard? Bernard the gurnard!
Let's get him back, Paul. Yeah.
A sensational looking fish in its own way, isn't it?
Yeah, they really are, aren't they?
Ooh! Ooh, ooh, Matron!
Ooh. That was a bit, wasn't it?
Wait for the wave.
And away!
Well done, Bob!
Do you know what, Bob? You look like a sea fisherman.
Do I really? Yeah. That sounds like quite a sexy bloke.
Quite rugged.
You've lost your hair, a little bit grizzled.
But, you know, a bit of beard growth.
I've only got one thing to say to you, Paul. What's that?
Get out!
Where'd it go?
Nobody knows.
It's pretty idyllic, isn't it, Bob?
Gorgeous, isn't it? Yeah.
Hey, Ted.
Oh, don't drink that, Teddy!
Whee-hee! Ted, don't drink it!
PAUL CHUCKLES
Ahhh! Ahhh!
Aaahhhh!
Bob!
Are you all right?
Ah, man! Are you all right?
Yeah.
It's cold, though!
It could have stopped your heart.
It's got it going, to be honest with you!
Are you all right? Oh, I just lost my balance.
It's not easy, is it?
When some of those waves come in.
Oh, man.
I'm going to get you some supper, Paul. Something to eat.
OK, mate. Thank you.
Just going to dry off a bit. OK.
Little bit of salsa on there for Paul.
He's a spicy sort of guy.
Hey, boss. Hello, Bobby.
Oh, we didn't get a mackerel, Paul.
But as you can see, I brought some along with me.
You did some prep, didn't you?
Cos you knew we weren't going to get a mackerel
here on glorious Chesil Beach. Chesil Beach, yeah.
Because you either get a mackerel or you don't.
They're here, or they're not. Well, look at it, Bob.
It's quite a big expanse of water out there, isn't it?
But it's been a great trip. Trout. No grayling.
Our quest for grayling failed.
But our thirst for life... Remains. ..remains vibrant.
Talking of thirst for life...
Yes, I do have a beer.
There you go.
Go on!
I know it's a bit naughty.
Quite like this sort of rustic grub, Bob.
Oh, that's delicious.
It is really good, isn't it?
Shall we just stay here, Paul?
What, here? Yeah.
Why would we leave, really?
Why would we leave?
Do you want to stay, Ted?
"Oh, well. Ah, go on, then." Go on.
Yeah, I was going to say no, I've got a briefcase appointment, but...
I'll open my beer then. Have you not opened it yet? No.
THEY LAUGH
would you want to do that?
would I want to do that?
wasn't I?
to see the light?
for these times